WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." LADIES AND GENTLEMENT, I'M YOUR
HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU CAN FEEL THAT. YOU CAN FEEL THAT. THAT'S AMAZING-- THAT'S--
THAT'S-- ONLY A LIVE SHOW IS LIKE THAT, RIGHT THERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S IT. BECAUSE THE TRUTH SLOOK AT THAT,
WE ARE-- WE ARE LIVE RIGHT NOW, AND BARELY CONSCIOUS FOLLOWING A
90-MINUTE SPEECH. THERE WERE SOME BRIGHT SPOTS IN
THIS SPEECH. THERE WERE REALLY SOME
HEARTWARMING MOMENTS. SOME AMAZING PEOPLE THERE WERE
IN THE GALLERY. CONGRESSMAN STEVE SCALISE, WHO
SURVIVED AN ATTACK ON THAT SOFTBALL FIELD. A POLICE
OFFICER WHO SAVED A BABY, A YOUNG BOY WHO'S PUTTING FLAGS ON
SOLDIERS' GRAVES, AND FAMILIES WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH
UNSPEAKABLE TRAGEDIES. HONESTLY, SOME OF THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL, MOST IMPRESSIVE AMERICANS YOU COULD IMAGINE. AND THE PRESIDENT WAS THERE,
TOO. ( LAUGHTER )
GOING INTO THIS, GOING INTO THE EVENING, THE BAR, THE BAR FOR
SUCCESS WAS PRETTY LOW, OKAY. HE JUST HAD TO STAY ON SCRIPT,
NO MATTER WHAT. AND HE DID, WHICH WAS
IMPRESSIVE, CONSIDERING EVERYTHING DEMOCRATS DID TO
DISTRACT HIM. THERE HE IS. NOW, GO TO THE OTHER ANGLE, JIM. THAT'S NOT FAIR. THAT'S NOT FAIR. HERE'S ONE UNUSUAL THING WE
FOUND OUT RIGHT BEFORE THE SPEECH-- THE FIRST LADY TRAVEL
TO THE SPEECH IN A SEPARATE CAR. I GUESS MELANIA DIDN'T WANT
ANYTHING FROM THE BURGER KING DRIVE-THROUGH. I COULD GO FOR SOME ONION RINGS. BUT WHEN THE PRESIDENT ENTERED,
THE CAMERAS CAUGHT MELANIA LOOKING RADIANTLY... HAPPY? THE NIGHT BEGAN WITH ONE HUGE
SURPRISE-- TRUMP WAS ABLE TO LIFT A GLASS WITH ONE HAND! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AS PART-- AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SPEECH, HE LISTED SOME OF
THE NATURAL DISASTERS WE'VE ENDURED THIS YEAR. >> WE HAVE ENDURED FLOODS AND
FIRES AND STORMS. >> Stephen: AND STORMYS! DON'T FORGET HER
( LAUGHTER ) SHE WAS ONE OF THE MOST
EXPENSIVE DISASTERS FOR YOU, PERSONALLY. AND HE REACHED OUT TO THOSE
STILL RECOVERING. >> TO EVERYONE STILL RECOVERING
IN TEXAS, FLORIDA, LOUISIANA, PUERTO RICO, AND THE VIRGIN
ISLANDS-- EVERYWHERE-- WE ARE WITH YOU, WE LOVE YOU, AND WE
ALWAYS WILL PULL THROUGH TOGETHER, ALWAYS
>> Stephen: THAT IS GOING TO BE A COMFORTING MESSAGE TO PEOPLE
OF PUERTO RICO, ONCE THEY HAVE ELECTRICITY TO TURN ON THEIR
TVs. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STILL A MILLION PEOPLE, RIGHT? A MILLION PEOPLE IN PUERTO RICO
STILL DON'T HAVE POWER. AND HE FOLLOWED UP ON THAT INN
SEPARATIONAL TONE. >> IF THERE IS A MOUNTAIN, WE
CLIMB IT. IF THERE IS A FRONTIER, WE CROSS
IT. IF THERE IS A CHALLENGE, WE TAME
IT. IF THERE IS AN OPPORTUNITY, WE
SEIZE IT. >> Stephen: "IF THERE'S A
BURGER, WE EAT IT. ( LAUGHTER )
IF THERE IS A PORN STAR, WE BONE IT. ( LAUGHTER )
IF THERE'S AN IMMIGRANT, WE DEPORT IT. IF THERE'S AN INVESTIGATION, WE
UNDERMINE IT." ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "I BELIEVE THAT. I BELIEVE THAT WITH ALL
WHATEVER'S IN HERE." AND HE BOASTED ABOUT CREATING
MINORITY JOBS. >> AFRICAN-AMERICAN UNEMPLOYMENT
STANDS AT THE LOWEST RATE EVER RECORDED. >> Stephen: WELL, THERE WAS ONE
TIME WHEN AFRICAN AMERICAN UNEMPLOYMENT WAS AT ZERO, BUT
ONLY HALF OF TRUMP'S BASE WANTS TO GO BACK THERE. BIT-- I SAID HALF! -- BUT-- WITH STATS LIKE THAT,
YOU HAVE TO IMAGINE AFRICAN AMERICAN LEADERS MUST HAVE BEEN
PRETTY IMPRESSED. AND I STAND CORRECTED. ALL RIGHT, MY MISTAKE. THE SPEECH WAS A HUGE HIT WITH
REPUBLICANS. JUST LOOK HOW EXCITED MITCH
McCONNELL WAS. ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT FAIR. I BELIEVE WE DO HAVE FOOTAGE OF
McCONNELL MORE EXCITED. ( LAUGHING )
>> Stephen: SO HAPPY! SO HAPPY! JUST DANCING A SHOE! JUST DANCING WITH A SHOE. HE'LL FIND CINDERELLA
EVENTUALLY. ( LAUGHTER )
AND TRUMP TOOK TIME TO BOAST ABOUT HIS NEW TAX PLAN. >> TO LOWER TAX RATES FOR
HARDWORKING AMERICANS, WE NEARLY DOUBLED THE STANDARD DEDUCTION
FOR EVERYONE. ( APPLAUSE )
NOW THE FIRST $24,000 EARNED BY A MARRIED COUPLE IS COMPLETELY
TAX-FREE. >> Stephen: A BENEFIT TRUMP WILL
BE ENJOYING FOR A FEW MORE WEEKS, AT LEAST. ONCE AGAIN, ONCE AGAIN-- WHO
KNOWS. THEY'LL MAKE IT TO APRIL 15. ONCE AGAIN, HE INSPIRED WITH HIS
SOARING WORDS. >> ALL OF US TOGETHER AS ONE
TEAM, ONE PEOPLE, AND ONE AMERICAN FAMILY CAN DO ANYTHING. >> Stephen: YES, "ONE" AMERICAN
FAMILY CAN DO ANYTHING: PROMOTE YOUR SHOE BRAND, USE YOUR
RELATIONSHIP TO THE PRESIDENT TO SELL REAL ESTATE IN CHINA--
ANYTHING. PLUS, PLUS--
( APPLAUSE ) YES. GIVE IT UP FOR THE TRUMPS. GIVE IT UP. FAMILY VALUES. PLUS, HE WENT TO AN OLD AMERICAN
FAVORITE: >> WE ALL SHARE THE SAME HOME,
THE SAME HEART, THE SAME DESTINY, AND THE SAME GREAT
AMERICAN FLAG. >> Stephen: REALLY? BECAUSE DOWN IN CHARLOTTESVILLE
I SAW YOUR SUPPORTERS CARRYING TWO OTHER FLAGS. ( LAUGHTER )
I'M PRETTY SURE. I SAW THAT. I SAW THAT, DIDN'T I? >> Jon:
♪ YEAH, I SAW IT ♪ >> Stephen: ONE OF THEM HAD A
SPIDER ON IT OR SOMETHING. I'M NOT SURE. IF
BUT TRUMP GAVE IT UP FOR THE AMERICAN WAY. >> IN AMERICA, WE KNOW THAT
FAITH AND FAMILY, NOT GOVERNMENT AND BUREAUCRACY, ARE THE CENTER
OF THE AMERICAN LIFE. ( APPLAUSE )
OUR MOTTO IS "IN GOD WE TRUST." >> Stephen: YES, THAT'S THE
FIRST HALF. THE SECOND HALF IS "OH, GOD,
MAKE THIS STOP." AND I PRAY-- I PRAY, LORD. WHAT DID WE DO? WE'RE SORRY. AND HE TOUTED HIS FOSSIL FUEL
ENERGY POLICY. >> WE HAVE ENDED THE WAR ON
AMERICAN ENERGY, AND WE HAVE ENDED THE WAR ON BEAUTIFUL,
CLEAN COAL. >> Stephen: "GOD, IT IS SO
BEAUTIFUL. THAT COAL HAS A HIGH, TIGHT,
SAA. I TELL YOU, IF I WEREN'T BURNING
IT, I MIGHT BE DATING IT." BUT CIRC SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY,
SIR-- WAR ON CLEAN COAL? YOU CAN'T START OR END A WAR ON
SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T EXIST. "SOON WE'LL END THE WARS ON
SASQUATCHES, UNICORNS, AND MODERATE REPUBLICANS." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"ANYBODY FIND ONE? DID YOU FIND ONE? NO? PUT DOWN A LITTLE TRAP WITH,
LIKE, A MUFFIN IN IT." ♪ ♪ ♪
THE PRESIDENT THEN RENEWED-- THANK YOU, JON-- RENEWED HIS
ATTACK ON GOVERNMENT WORKERS. >> SO TONIGHT, I CALL ON THE
CONGRESS TO EMPOWER EVERY CABINET SECRETARY WITH THE
AUTHORITY TO REWARD GOOD WORKERS AND TO REMOVE FEDERAL EMPLOYEES
WHO UNDERMINE THE PUBLIC TRUST OR FAIL THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. >> Stephen: WHOEVER THEY ARE,
BE THEY THE DIRECTOR OR THE ASSISTANT DIRECTOR OF THE F.B.I,
EVEN A SPECIALPROSECUTOR-- OUT." >> Jon: OH, WOW, WOW. >> Stephen: YOU KNOW I'M
IMITATING HIM, RIGHT? ( LAUGHTER )
WE'RE ALL-- WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE. I THINK. FOR NOW. AND HE HIT ONE OF HIS FAVORITE
THEMES ON HEALTHCARE. >> ONE OF MY GREATEST PRIORITIES
IS TO REDUCE THE PRICE OF PRESCRIPTION DRUGS. >> Stephen: OH, GOOD. DRUGS WOULD HAVE REALLY HAVE
HELPED ME GET THROUGH THIS SPEECH. AND HE CALLED-- AS WE KNEW HE
WOULD, AS WE KNEW HE WOULD. DRUGS! WE LOVE DRUGS! AND HE CALLED FOR MORE JOBS,
JOBS, JOBS. >> WE WANT EVERY AMERICAN TO
KNOW THE DIGNITY OF A HARD DAY'S WORK. >> Stephen: "THEN THEY CAN TELL
ME ABOUT IT WHEN I GET HOME FROM GOLF. I HEAR EYE HEAR GREAT THINGS
ABOUT WORK." AND HE LAID OUT-- HE LAID OUT--
HE LAID OUT WHAT AMERICANS DESERVED. >> AMERICANS LOVE THEIR COUNTRY,
AND THEY DESERVE A GOVERNMENT THAT SHOWS THEM THE SAME LOVE
AND LOYALTY IN RETURN. >> Stephen: "AND IF THEIR
GOVERNMENT ISN'T THAT LOYAL WITH THEIR LOVE, THEY GET
$130,000 TO KEEP QUIET ABOUT IT." I'M NOT SURE, DOES THE LOVE--
ALLEGEDLY, ALLEGEDLY. AND HE LOOKED BACK ON HIS
ADMINISTRATION'S WORK OVER THE PAST YEAR. >> FOR THE LAST YEAR, WE HAVE
SOUGHT TO RESTORE THE BONDS OF TRUST BETWEEN OUR CITIZENS AND
THEIR GOVERNMENT. >> Stephen: WELL, BETTER LUCK
NEXT YEAR. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT, IN THAT VEIN, TRUMP DID TRY TO UNIFY. >> SO TONIGHT, I AM EXTENDING AN
OPEN HAND >> Stephen: GOD, WOMEN! GET OUT OF THERE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! OPEN HAND. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND TRUMP LAUDED HIS IMMIGRATION POLICIES AS GOOD FOR EVERYONE. >> STRUGGLING COMMUNITIES,
ESPECIALLY IMMIGRANT COMMUNITIES, WILL ALSO BE HELPED
BY IMMIGRATION POLICIES THAT FOCUS ON THE BEST INTERESTS OF
AMERICAN WORKERS AND AMERICAN FAMILIES. >> Stephen: YES, TRUMP
UNDERSTANDS THE PROBLEM FACING STRUGGLING IMMIGRANT
COMMUNITIES: TOO MANY IMMIGRANTS? I DON'T... LET'S MOVE ON. ( LAUGHTER )
AND HE OUTLINED JUST WHO HE DOESN'T WANT IN AMERICA. >> UNDER THE CURRENT BROKEN
SYSTEM, A SINGLE IMMIGRANT CAN BRING IN VIRTUALLY UNLIMITED
NUMBERS OF DISTANT RELATIVES. ( BOOS )
UNDER OUR PLAN, WE FOCUS ON THE IMMEDIATE FAMILY. >> Stephen: YEAH, BOO... FAMILIES? I'M NOT SURE, BUT I THINK
TRUMP'S IMMIGRATION PLAN IS HOT SINGLES ONLY! AND HE SPOKE--
>> Jon: OH, WOW. >> Stephen: HE SPOKE-- SOME
SINGLE PEOPLE HERE TONIGHT. SOME HOT SINGLES IN THE HOUSE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WAITING FOR YOUR CALL. AND HE SPOKE OF THREATS AROUND
THE WORLD. >> AROUND THE WORLD, WE FACE
ROGUE REGIMES, TERRORIST GROUPS, AND RIVALS LIKE CHINA AND RUSSIA
THAT CHALLENGE OUR INTERESTS, OUR ECONOMY, AND OUR VALUES. >> Stephen: "AND WE WILL STOP
THEM ANYWAY WE CAN, EXCEPT IMPLEMENTING THE RUSSIA
SANCTIONS YOU GUYS VOTED FOR. HI, VLAD." ( LAUGHTER )
"I KILLED IT. I KILLED THE WHOLE THING, 98-2,
I CUT IT." BUT HE SPOKE OUT STRONGLY
AGAINST TERRORIST ACTORS. >> TERRORISTS WHO DO THINGS
LIKE PLACE BOMBS IN CIVILIAN HOSPITALS ARE EVIL. >> Stephen: WHERE DOES HE FIND
THE COURAGE TO CALL PEOPLE WHO BOMB HOSPITALS EVIL? TRULY, TODAY, DONALD TRUMP
BECAME PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. ( APPLAUSE )
AND HE GOT TOUGH WITH THE TERRORISTS. >> WHEN POSSIBLE, WE HAVE NO
CHOICE BUT TO ANNIHILATE THEM. WHEN NECESSARY, WE MUST BE ABLE
TO DETAIN AND QUESTION THEM. >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, AFTER WE
ANNIHILATE THEM. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S OUR MOTTO: ANNIHILATE FIRST, REALIZE WE CAN'T ASK DEAD
GUYS QUESTIONS LATER. AND HE SPOKE TO AMERICA'S
COLONIAL PAST. >> IT WAS THAT SAME YEARNING FOR
FREEDOM THAT NEARLY 250 YEARS AGO GAVE BIRTH TO A
SPECIAL PLACE CALLED AMERICA. IT WAS A SMALL CLUSTER OF
COLONIES CAUGHT BETWEEN A GREAT OCEAN AND A VAST WILDERNESS
>> Stephen: "WITH NO PEOPLE IN IT. JUST WAITING FOR REAL ESTATE
DEVELOPERS. OKAY. I DON'T KNOW WHY THE ARAPAHO
DIDN'T PUT UP CONDOS. BEAUTIFUL LAND. COULD HAVE PUT UP A CASINO
THEN." OF COURSE, TRUMP DID NOT MENTION
THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION. HE HOPES THAT GOES AWAY. BUT, I MEAN, EVEN IF THE
PRESIDENT AND HIS CAMPAIGN AIDES MEMBERS OF HIS FAMILY,
WERE CONVICTED OF CONSPIRACY WITH A HOSTILE FOREIGN POWER,
WHERE WOULD WE SEND THEM? >> IN MANY CASES, FOR THEM, IT
WILL NOW BE GUANTANAMO BAY. >> Stephen: OH, GOOD. AT LEAST HE'S GOT A PLAN. WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
