WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. THE NATIONAL CONVERSATION
CONTINUES TO BE, HOW DO WE KEEP OUR CHILDREN SAFE FROM GUN
VIOLENCE. EVERYONE KNOWS THIS IS A CRISIS,
SO, FOR THE PRESIDENT, FOR THE REPUBLICAN MAJORITY, FOR THE
N.R.A., EVERY OPTION IS ON THE TABLE-- EXCEPT FEWER GUNS. WHERE TO START? YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP HELD
A LISTENING SESSION WITH TRAUMATIZED STUDENTS, TEACHERS,
AND PARENTS AT THE WHITE HOUSE. IT'S A GOOD PLACE TO START, BUT
IT WAS CLEARLY A TEST OF TRUMP'S ABILITY TO LISTEN, BECAUSE HE
BROUGHT ALONG A CHEAT SHEET THAT INCLUDED: "I HEAR YOU." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) I MEAN, PEOPLE HAVE CHEAT
SHEETS, BUT IT IS A LITTLE UNSETTLING THAT
THE PRESIDENT NEEDS A CHEAT SHEET FOR REACTING TO OTHER
PEOPLE'S EMOTIONS. I CAN IMAGINE THE NOTES HE USED
WHEN HE LEFT HIS WIVES. "HELLO... 'WIFE'S NAME.'
IT'S OVER. YOU WERE A NINE AND NOW YOU'RE A
HIGH SEVEN. THANK YOU, AND I HEAR YOU, BUT I
DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU ." WELL, WE HERE AT THE "LATE SHOW"
GOT THE ACTUAL LIST. LOOKS MUCH BIGGER WHEN HE'S
HOLDING IT. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, THE REASON WE COULD SEE
THOSE QUESTIONS IN THE PHOTOGRAPH IS BECAUSE HE WAS
LOOKING AT THE OTHER SIDE, WHICH SAYS, "DO THIS." HE DID HIS BEST. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT LISTENING IS NOT ENOUGH. TRUMP KNOWS YOU HAVE TO TAKE
ACTION, AND HE'S GOT A LOT OF IDEAS. >> AND THERE ARE A LOT OF
DIFFERENT IDEAS. I CAN NAME TEN OF THEM RIGHT
NOW. DOES ANYBODY HAVE AN IDEA AS TO
HOW TO STOP IT? WHAT IS YOUR RECOMMENDATION TO
STOP IT? >> STEPHEN: OH, HE COULD NAME
TEN SOLUTIONS, BUT HE DOESN'T WANT TO HOG THE SPOTLIGHT. "I COULD NAME TEN, AND IT WOULD
BE FIXED, BUT YOU GO FIRST, AND I'LL TELL YOU HOW MANY OF MINE
YOU GUESSED. OH, THAT'S ONE OF THEM. THAT'S ONE OF THEM. THAT'S NOT ONE OF THEM. N.R.A. WON'T LET ME DO THAT, BUT
I HEAR YOU." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) DONALD TRUMP ACTUALLY DOES HAVE
A SUGGESTION TO DEAL WITH THE NUMBER OF GUNS. HE WANTS MORE OF THEM. >> A TEACHER WOULD HAVE A
CONCEALED GUN ON THEM. IF YOU HAD A TEACHER WHO WAS
ADEPT AT FIREARMS, THEY COULD END THE ATTACK VERY QUICKLY. I THINK IT COULD VERY WELL SOLVE
YOUR PROBLEM. >> STEPHEN: YES, ARM THE
TEACHERS! I'M SURE IT'S IN THE BUDGET. "SORRY, YOUR SCHOOL CAN'T AFFORD
ENOUGH COPIES OF 'TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD,' BUT, GOOD NEWS,
WE'RE GIVING YOU SOMETHING THAT CAN KILL ANY BIRD." ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) YEAH. NOW, TRUMP'S IDEA DIDN'T GO OVER
GREAT WITH LAW ENFORCEMENT, TEACHERS, AND PEOPLE WHO ARE
CHILDREN. SO THIS MORNING, HE TOOK TO
TWITTER TO CLARIFY HIS POSITION, AND DOUBLED DOWN. "I NEVER SAID 'GIVE TEACHERS
GUNS.' WHAT I SAID WAS TO LOOK AT THE
POSSIBILITY OF GIVING 'CONCEALED GUNS TO GUN-ADEPT TEACHERS WITH
MILITARY OR SPECIAL TRAINING EXPERIENCE'-- ONLY THE BEST." YEAH, TRUMP NEVER SAID TO GIVE
GUNS TO TEACHERS WILLY-NILLY. CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT THIS
COUNTRY WOULD BE LIKE IF ANYONE COULD GET A GUN? ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT WAS ACTUALLY HARD TO READ. TRUMP TWEETED ON, "IF A
POTENTIAL 'SICKO SHOOTER' KNOWS THAT A SCHOOL HAS A LARGE NUMBER
OF VERY WEAPONS-TALENTED TEACHERS-- AND OTHERS-- WHO WILL
BE INSTANTLY SHOOTING, THE SICKO WILL NEVER ATTACK THAT SCHOOL. COWARDS WON'T GO THERE. PROBLEM SOLVED." YEAH, THAT'S WHAT SICKOS ARE
KNOWN FOR: LOGICAL REASONING. AND WHAT DOES HE MEAN, "WEAPONS
TALENTED?" THAT'S NOT A PHRASE THAT I WANT
TO ASSOCIATE WITH TEACHERS. "BOY, JIM, YOU SURE ARE HANDY
WITH GUNS. HAVE YOU CONSIDERED WORKING WITH
CHILDREN?" ( LAUGHTER )
HE FINISHED, "MUST BE OFFENSIVE, DEFENSE ALONE WON'T WORK!"
OH, SIR, I THINK YOUR SUGGESTION IS OFFENSIVE ENOUGH. ( APPLAUSE )
AND, THIS AFTERNOON, TRUMP MET WITH STATE AND LOCAL OFFICIALS
TO TALK ABOUT SCHOOL SAFETY, WHERE HE TRIPLED DOWN ON THE
IDEA OF ARMING TEACHERS. >> FRANKLY, YOU HAVE TEACHERS
THAT ARE MARINES FOR 20 YEARS. THEY RETIRE AND THEY BECOME A
TEACHER. THEY'RE ARMY, NAVY, AIR FORCE,
COAST GUARD, PEOPLE WHO HAVE WON SHOOTING CONTESTS AND, YOU KNOW,
THEY'RE FOR WHATEVER. ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: IF THERE'S ONE THING THAT REASSURES YOU AS A PARENT
ABOUT THE SAFETY OF YOUR CHILDREN IS WHEN THE PRESIDENT
SAYS, "WHATEVER." ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
I HAVEN'T GIVEN IT MUCH THOUGHT. SO, SHOOTING CONTESTS OR
CONTESTS FOR WHATEVER. "I SAW A GUY AT THE CARNIVAL
WITH A BIG MALLET DO THE BANGY THING, GOT THE LI'L BISCUIT WAY
UP THE POLE. MAYBE HE COULD KNOCK THE BAD
GUYS OVER THE HEAD. PROBLEM SOLVED. EVERYBODY GETS A STUFFED ANIMAL. I HEAR YOU." ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE HAS ONE
SPECIFIC GUY IN MIND FOR THE JOB. >> I'M WATCHING JOHN KELLY,
GENERAL JOHN KELLY. SO HE'S A FOUR-STAR MARINE. HE'S A TOUGH COOKIE. IF HE WAS A TEACHER OF MINE, I
WOULDN'T MIND HIM HAVING A GUN. BECAUSE THEY KNOW GENERAL KELLY
IS THE HISTORY TEACHER. HE'S TEACHING ABOUT HOW WE WIN
WARS, OKAY? AND HE'S GOT A CONCEALED WEAPON,
BUT THEY'RE GOING TO KNOW HE'S GOT A CONCEALED WEAPON BECAUSE
WE TELL THEM THE BULLETS ARE GOING TO BE FLYING IN THE OTHER
DIRECTION. >> STEPHEN: SO, PARENTS, YOU CAN
RELAX. BULLETS WON'T BE FLYING IN ONE
DIRECTION. NOW BULLETS WILL BE FLYING IN
ALL DIRECTIONS. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT HE'S A BUSINESSMAN, HE KNOWS YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR. >> AND WHAT I RECOMMEND WE DO
IS, THE PEOPLE WHO DO CARRY, WE GIVE THEM A BONUS. WE GIVE THEM A LITTLE BIT OF A
BONUS. >> STEPHEN: I'M SURE ALL THAT'S
IN THE SCHOOL BUDGET, TOO. "SORRY, KIDS, WE HAD TO CUT THE
MUSIC PROGRAM, BUT YOU CAN STILL WATCH MR. HUTCHINSON POLISHING
HIS GLOCK IN THE DARKENED BAND ROOM." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: OH, MY GOSH! >> Stephen: OR HE CAN PLAY
THAT THING. YEAH. >> Jon: HE CAN PLAY IT, HUH. >> Stephen: HE CAN PLAY THAT
GLOCK. AND AGAIN, THESE TRAGEDIES CAN
NEVER BE BLAMED ON THE 310 MILLION GUNS IN AMERICA. THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO BE BLAMED ON
SOMETHING ELSE, LIKE THE SAD FACT THAT TOO MANY OF OUR
SCHOOLS ARE NOT BUILT TO WITHSTAND THE ZOMBIE
APOCALYPSE. >> WE HAVE TO HARDEN OUR
SCHOOLS, NOT SOFTEN THEM UP. A GUN-FREE ZONE, TO A KILLER, OR
SOMEBODY THAT WANTS TO BE A KILLER, THAT'S LIKE GOING IN FOR
AN ICE CREAM. THAT'S LIKE, "HERE I AM, TAKE
ME." >> Stephen: DOES DONALD TRUMP
IMAGINE ICE CREAM SAYING THAT TO HIM WHEN HE EATS IT? DONALD, I'M HERE, TAKE ME. ( LAUGHTER )
PUT ME IN YOUR WEIRD LITTLE MOUTH. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, ALL OF THIS SOUNDS PRETTY GRIM. BUT DON'T WORRY. DONALD TRUMP HAD A MESSAGE OF
HOPE. >> I THINK WE NEED HARDENED
SITES. WE NEED TO LET PEOPLE KNOW, YOU
COME INTO OUR SCHOOLS, YOU'RE GOING TO BE DEAD. >> STEPHEN: SURE. ( LAUGHTER )
SURE. THERE YOU GO. YEAH, WHY NOT? ESPECIALLY ONCE YOU ARM THE
TEACHERS AND YOU RIG ONE OF THE JANITORS TO EXPLODE ON CONTACT. WHICH ONE? YOU'LL NEVER KNOW. AND NEITHER WILL HE. KEEPS EVERYONE ON THEIR TOES. OH, AND MAYBE CHANGE THE MASCOT
TO GUNNY, THE GUN-TOTING GUN. THERE'S A HAPPY IMAGE OF
AMERICA'S FUTURE. AND TRUMP WASN'T THE ONLY ONE
LISTENING TO VICTIMS OF GUN VIOLENCE LAST NIGHT. CNN HOSTED A TOWN HALL ON THE
AFTERMATH OF THE FLORIDA SHOOTING. IT INCLUDED SOME OF THE MOST
OUTSPOKEN SURVIVORS, AND PARENTS, BUT THE REAL STAR OF
THE SHOW WAS FLORIDA SENATOR AND MAN WHO JUST RECEIVED HIS CASH
FROM THE N.R.A., MARCO RUBIO. NOW, THE CROWD WASN'T EXACTLY
WITH MARCO RUBIO LAST NIGHT. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: "IF
THEY'RE NOT WITH YOU, YOU'RE MARCO RUBIO." ( LAUGHTER )
HERE HE IS, TRYING TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE SEES AS THE PERILS OF
BANNING SEMI-AUTOMATIC WEAPONS. >> ON THE ISSUE YOU'VE RAISED
ABOUT YOUR BACKGROUND CHECKS, RELATED DIRECTLY TO WHAT YOU
SAID ABOUT THE ASSAULT WEAPONS BAN, IT'S NOT THE LOOPHOLES. IT'S THE PROBLEM THAT ONCE YOU
START LOOKING AT HOW EASY IT IS TO GET AROUND IT, YOU WOULD
LITERALLY HAVE TO BAN EVERY SEMI-AUTOMATIC RIFLE THAT'S SOLD
IN AMERICA. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FAIR ENOUGH. >> Stephen: THAT IS A GUY WHO
CAN NOT READ THEçó ROOM. ( LAUGHTER )
LOOK, WE'D HAVE TO GET RID OF GUNS AND THEN IT'S A SLIPPERY
SLOPE TO DEAD PEOPLE. OH, YOU WOULD LIKE THAT? FAIR ENOUGH. GUESS IT TAKES ALL KINDS. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GIVING RUBIO CREDIT FOR EVEN BEING AT
THIS TOWN HALL. >> IT WAS BRAVE OF RUBIO TO SHOW
UP. >> CREDIT TO RUBIO FOR SHOWING
UP LAST NIGHT. >> I COMMEND SENATOR RUBIO
GOING. >> HATS OFF TO HIM FOR SHOWING
UP. >> STEPHEN: HERE'S THE THING. JUST SHOWING UP ISN'T THAT
IMPRESSIVE! HE WORKS FOR THOSE PEOPLE. IF YOUR BOSS CALLS YOU INTO
THEIR OFFICE, YOU CAN'T SAY, "YES, I HIT A CUSTOMER, TURNED
THE BREAK ROOM INTO A SEX DUNGEON, AND I'M CURRENTLY VERY
HIGH... BUT I SHOWED UP EVEN THOUGH I KNEW YOU'D BE MAD. I SHOULD GET SOME CREDIT FOR
THAT. WANT TO GET HIGH?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THEY DO. THEY GET HIGH! I KNOW THE FEELING. FIGHT IT. FIGHT IT. THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE EVENING WAS
WHEN RUBIO CAME FACE-TO-FACE WITH CAMERON KASKY, ONE OF THE
TEENAGERS WHO SURVIVED THE PARKLAND SHOOTING, AND CAMERON
HAD A PARTICULARLY POINTED QUESTION FOR THE SENATOR. >> SENATOR RUBIO, CAN YOU TELL
ME RIGHT NOW THAT YOU WILL NOT ACCEPT A SINGLE DONATION FROM
THE N.R.A. IN THE FUTURE? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: OH, THAT'S GOING TO LEAVE A MARCO. ( LAUGHTER )
OH. MAYBE A SKID MARCO. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT RUBIO HAD AN ANSWER TO THE IDEA THAT THE N.R.A. PAID HIM TO
FOLLOW THEIR AGENDA: >> NO MORE N.R.A. MONEY? MORE N.R.A. MONEY? >> THAT-- THAT IS THE WRONG WAY
TO LOOK-- FIRST OF ALL, THE ANSWER IS, PEOPLE BUY INTO MY
AGENDA. THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION IS
THAT PEOPLE BUY INTO MY AGENDA. YOU CAN ASK THAT QUESTION, AND I
CAN TELL YOU THAT PEOPLE BUY INTO MY AGENDA. >> STEPHEN: "YES, PEOPLE BUY
INTO MY AGENDA. I DON'T ASK WHO, OR WHY, I JUST
TELL THEM TO LEAVE THE MONEY ON THE DRESSER."
