FOLKS--<i>
( CHEERS )</i> WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I BEGAN MY DAY AS I OFTEN DO, BY CHECKING DONALD TRUMP'S TWITTER
FEED TO SEE HOW FAR THE CRAZY HAS SPREAD. AND TODAY, I REALLY THINK HE'S
OFF HIS BEDS, BECAUSE TODAY HE WENT FROM CRAZY TO CRUEL,
TWEETING: WHAT? WHAT WON'T YOU ALLOW? SOCKS WITH SANDALS? DANCING? ( LAUGHTER )
PLEASE TELL ME IT'S NOT ALCOHOL. I NEEDS MY DRANK! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I GOTTA HAVE IT. WHAT COULD IT BE! WHAT COULD IT BE! IT TOOK HIM 10 MINUTES TO TELL
US WHAT IT WAS. WHAT COULD IT BE. 10 MINUTES LATER HE TOLD US WHAT
HE WON'T ALLOW INCLUDES "TRANSGENDER INDIVIDUALS TO
SERVE IN ANY CAPACITY IN THE U.S. MILITARY. OUR MILITARY MUST BE FOCUSED ON
DECISIVE AND OVERWHELMING..." VICTORY AND CANNOT BE
BURDENED WITH THE TREMENDOUS MEDICAL COSTS AND DISRUPTION
THAT TRANSGENDER IN THE MILITARY WOULD ENTAIL. THANK YOU." THANK YOU? (BLEEP). ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE DOESN'T SAY IT. SORRY. WHY THE HELL WOULD HE DO THIS? THIS ISN'T EVEN ONE OF HIS
CAMPAIGN PROMISES. BACK IN THE CAMPAIGN HE TWEETED
THIS: WHAT THE WILL DOES HE THINK THE
"T" IN L.G.B.T. STANDS FOR? TRUMP? TOMATO? "I'D LIKE AN L.G.B.T. SANDWICH,
HOLD THE MAYONNAISE, AND NO GAY STUFF, OKAY." ( LAUGHTER )
THE WHOLE THING-- THE WHOLE THING TOOK
TRUMP-SUPPORTER CAITLYN JENNER BY SURPRISE. SHE TWEETED:
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CAITLYN, I DON'T KNOW IF I'M THE
FIRST PERSON TO BREAK THIS TO YOU, BUT HE'S A LIAR. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) I KNOW-- I KNOW-- I KNOW HE SAID
HE WAS YOUR FRIEND, BUT HE WAS USING YOU, GIRL. YOU DESERVE BETTER! ( LAUGHTER )
AND THOSE 15,000 TRANSGENDER TROOPS, WHO VOLUNTEERED TO SERVE
OUR COUNTRY, WERE MINDING THEIR OWN BUSINESS, PROTECTING OUR
FREEDOMS, WHEN THEY ALL GOT FIRED BY TWEET. THAT'S LIKE YOUR WIFE DIVORCING
YOU BY COOKIE BOUQUET. ( LAUGHTER )
AND KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS WHAT REALLY STINGS-- THEY ARE BEING
REJECTED BY A RICH GUY WHO DURING VIETNAM SIDESTEPPED THE
DRAFT WITH FOUR DEFERMENTS AND A MEDICAL DISQUALIFICATION
FOR BONE SPURS IN HIS FOOT. >> Audience: BOO! >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH, I
KNOW, BUT THEY WERE MANLY BONE SPURS IN A POWERFUL DUDE FOOT,
OKAY, THAT JUST GOT ALL OUCHY WHEN HE PUT IT IN A BOOT. AND SOME TRANSGENDER VETERANS
ARE NOT TAKING IT, LIKE FORMER NAVY SEAL KRISTIN BECK, WHO
SAID: ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S A NAVY SEAL. I WOULDN'T HOLD MY BREATH IF I
WERE YOU. I DOUBT HE'S GOING TO SHOW. WHAT WITH THE FOOT AND ALL. AND LET'S TALK ABOUT THOSE
TREMENDOUS MEDICAL COSTS. IT'S ESTIMATED THAT HEALTHCARE
FOR TRANSGENDER PERSONNEL WOULD ADD BETWEEN $2.4 MILLION AND
$8.4 MILLION PER YEAR TO THE MILITARY'S HEALTHCARE BUDGET. TO PUT THAT NUMBER IN
PERSPECTIVE, THE MILITARY SPENDS FIVE TIMES AS MUCH ON VIAGRA. AND IF YOUR ERECTION LASTS FOR
MORE THAN FOUR HOURS, THAT'S TOO BAD, BECAUSE YOU'RE STUCK ON A
SUBMARINE FOR THE NEXT SIX MONGST. SO CLEARLY-- WHY SO MUCH VIAGRA? IS THAT WHY THEY DON'T USE
BAYONETS ANYMORE? THEY JUST PUT AN EDGE ON THAT
THING? JUST SHARPEN THAT THING UP TO A
MIRROR POLISH. PUT THAT ONE OVER THERE. OVER THERE. SO, CLEARLY, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE
MONEY OR THE MILITARY, BECAUSE THE PENTAGON SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN
UNAWARE THAT TRUMP HAS DECIDED TO BAR TRANSGENDER PEOPLE FROM
THE MILITARY. SO, THE PENTAGON DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW. WAIT A SECOND, TRUMP SAID HE
CONSULTED WITH "MY GENERALS." I KNOW, THAT MUST BE A TYPO. HE MEANT MY GENITALS. DAMN YOU, SIRI. DAMN YOU, SIRI. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S NOT HIS FAULT. IT'S NOT HIS FAULT. SO WHY IS HE BEING A JERK? OTHER THAN PRACTICE? PROBABLY TO TRY TO DISTRACT
EVERYBODY FROM THE FACT THAT REPEAL AND REPLACE IS GETTING
ASS AND KICKED. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OKAY, YOU GUYS REMEMBER YESTERDAY-- WE WERE TALKING
ABOUT THIS YESTERDAY. YESTERDAY-- YOU GUYS MIGHT WANT
TO WATCH YESTERDAY. YESTERDAY WE WERE TALKING ABOUT
HOW THE SENATE REPUBLICANS CELEBRATED NARROWLY
VOTING TO OPEN DEBATE ON THEIR OBAMACARE REPEAL BILL. WELL, THAT VICTORY IS ON LIFE
SUPPORT ALREADY, BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, THEIR PLAN TO REPLACE
OBAMACARE LOT OF 43-57. BUT BECAUSE THE REPUBLICANS HAD
A BACKUP PLAN FOR THEIR BACKUP PLAN, IT WASN'T OVER BECAUSE
TODAY THE SENATE VOTED ON AN AMENDMENT THAT WOULD
REPEAL OBAMACARE BUT NOT TAKE EFFECT FOR TWO YEARS, GIVING
LAWMAKERS TIME TO COME TOGETHER ON A REPLACEMENT PLAN BEFORE
PEOPLE LOSE THEIR HEALTH CARE. "GOOD NEWS, HONEY,
I KNOW I PROMISED TO RE-DO THE BATHROOM. I COULDN'T AGREE ON HOW TO DO
IT, SO I TORE OUT THE SINK AND THE TOILET 3
NOW, DON'T POOP FOR TWO YEARS." THEY HELD THE VOTE TODAY-- THIS
AFTERNOON-- THEY HELD THE VOTE TODAY AND THEY LOST AGAIN 45-55. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT-- THAT'S FIVE TIMES. THEY LOST FIVE TIMES. BUT DON'T WORRY. THEY HAVE A BACKUP-BACKUP-
BACKUP PLAN, THE SO-CALLED "SKINNY REPEAL,' WHICH I THINK
IS MADE WITH SOY MILK.
