SHE IS PREACHING! WHY MANY WILL NEVER FIND PARTNER. - Lori Gottlieb

gloria is here she is the author of mary him making the case for settling for mr good enough the book is based on a survey where men and women were asked if they got 80 of everything they want in their ideal mate would they be happy with that and women said no that's settling and men said 80 percent i'd be thrilled that's a catch and so 80 to the women you surveyed is settling that's settling because you know the question is what actually makes us happy in long-term romantic love and you know that's the question that i explore in the book and i'm a journalist so i went out and i asked neurobiologists about chemistry and i asked behavioral economists about demographics and i asked marital researchers what are women too picky about here well i'll tell you i'll tell you men and women were asked what would be a deal breaker for going on a second date and men named three things they said she has to be cute enough she doesn't have to look like angelina jolie she just has to be cute enough she has to be warm and kind and she has to be interesting to talk to those seem like really valid criteria ding ding ding ding ding pretty simple right okay reasonable right the women came back with 300 things that would rule out a guy for a second date and we're talking about like another two hours and maybe a free dinner and they wouldn't do it and there were things like he wore a brown belt with black shoes or we were having a really good time and i thought he was cute and he was interesting but then he went he did this austin powers impression and i just can't get that out of my mind and i can't go out with him again austin powers guy could be the love of her life if he does these impressions on the second date okay don't go on a third but maybe he was just nervous the guys who are bad first daters might be great life partners you don't know bars i ain't got nothing to say let me just let her pray she just she said she hey hey you got nothing to say here let me make the other argument you have to have a list lori you have to you just can't run around dating any tom dick or harry you you have to develop a list and you have to have you have to have the right things on your list they have to be the right things um you know the character things the you know do we is he kind um do we have the same life goals do we have the same values the fundamentals do we enjoy each other how do we communicate with each other you know somebody said to me you know this woman that i was really interested in wouldn't go out with me because i didn't read the same books that she did but she's madly in love with this guy who reads the same books but he doesn't call her when he says he will what are your thoughts i just ain't got [ __ ] to say i mean it's just that it's it's what i see it's what i see in in some of my my girls friends uh some of my friends some of my girls friends and whatever we sit down and we talk oh yeah i got my dating pro man i'm like yeah girl sit down yeah but he did this and he did that and then i'm like girl you're gonna be alone for the rest of your life like if you keep on going like that for little stuff you know there's people that if you look at them they don't go together right as a matter of fact if you look at me and my wife we don't technically for what most people would look for we do not go together like i like loud ass music she doesn't i like bass i like people she doesn't i like motorcycles nope we don't watch necessarily the same shows but raising a family ain't about the shows you watch it ain't about the motorcycles you watch and anybody all you know so you know what it's funny because when people talk about compatibility they talk about oh we share the same hobby oh we like the same shows but we can't talk that's fine for when you're dating but when you think about doing something long-term your compatibility should not basically yourself on that should be a matter of values it should be a matter of a vision me and preach are nothing alike in terms of personality every on every point on every point name them we are polar opposites on everything girls we like on what we drive on how we eat on what we eat on everything yeah maybe music and even then there's a bit of overlap but really not but you know where we do have compatibility it's values yup me and preach both value integrity me and preach both value work and consistently mean preach both value speaking our minds right there's one thing i've never questioned about you it's your integrity you know if you ask me yo is this some [ __ ] going on yeah we sit down we talk about it we chop it up right that's it if we think about it i'm not like mad that we're not friends i can't even see it because we're so not alike no we're not but you know what though i think when it comes to a work of partnership it's perfect in a way it's perfect in a way because what we are saying is important between the two of us to have is what matters for this to work it's the foundational aspects of this it's not like we both like dancing and all this it has nothing to do with that no is that when it comes down to the difficult parts i know i can count on your character because we're both going to handle this difficult situation probably similar right and we have we have the same goal as well the goal is the same the values are the same the personality polar opposites exactly when we say people should settle it doesn't mean settle on ideas like foreign it means that people are being picky about things that are not important to what a longevity of a marriage or anything like that is right we say settle it's settled for the super fluid stuff and people are not capable of doing that you put all the same oh my god he matches his like a brown a black belt with brown shoes come a brown belt and black shoes ain't gonna raise a family as a matter of fact maybe a brown belt and black shoes will raise a family but it doesn't help anywhere else yeah yeah people bring this all kinds of stuff that doesn't even matter no to the longevity well um he's not the hottest guy so eventually you guys are gonna stop being attractive well you know what he's not the best in bed guess what most married people don't have the wildest sex life for the most part no you can you can learn you get you could learn together you could you know but it's not as long as you got your moment it's like like when you whenever we we took that that life on instagram and that guy was like i think i'm boring no maybe you're just not complicated that's not your thing we don't have hobbies we don't do anything are you good yeah then you good then those are just bonuses those are just bonuses that if you have that great but they're not necessary those are privileges those are luxuries yeah but he doesn't like lil yachty like i like lil yachty who gives a so so and and we bring this up or people like well i'd rather i'd rather be alone than be in a toxic relationship let's be clear about something a lot of people who are in quote unquote toxic relationships i question how you marry somebody who is unbelievably toxic did you not know who this person was when you lived with them did you not who know who this person was when you were starting to get with them when you guys were making your vows did you not know this person what changed after you got married and what you come to realize is that it's not generally relationships that are toxic it's not marriages that are toxic it's the expectations going in people find out that the quote unquote uh labor that you have to put in is not fun it's not roses it's not the wedding ceremony me as a woman i don't think that i was necessarily prepared or in the mindset to know that it's almost like once you get into it then you're like oh shoot like this is what i'm to have to keep up with us speaking as 36 year old people know that now your wedding is one day yup your marriage is the rest and the marriage is labor the wedding is that one day i when the cake is cut the dress is worn and the flowers are faded you have marriage and now you have to work on that that day is gone yep you have to work it's work it's work don't sit there and think that it's not working everything is easy you got to work you got to be able to you have to be willing to put the work that and that's the thing that's a lot when you stop putting the stop putting the effort that's when it's just like yeah if two people come in and say they're gonna put in the effort they're gonna put in the labor right and they're not disillusioned about what i think one of the biggest disservice that we have in our society today is that married people and our parents generation didn't give us a very honest look at what marriage is supposed to look like they let the media fill those ideas in for us because often times their parents were either divorced or more concerned with their own interest in their own well-being right so the media filled in our ideas of what a marriage is supposed to look like because most of us a lot of us didn't grow up with that example in our lives that's why people who come from married households where things were relatively healthy are far more likely to be married than people who didn't right yeah because their example is based off of something firm they saw their parents so if you take people from third world countries right most folks from like south asia are going to end up married and stay made for most of their life why because of what they saw when they were growing up they had a real look at what it was supposed to look like you know what i'm saying yes everyone else when i talk to people about marriages and and what like a lifelong commitment supposed to look like they talk about love and they talk about you know happiness and all these other things and i'm like but do you understand that's just a byproduct or reward of something do you know that's a byproduct of of of duty of responsibility of labor do you not understand like that's the things you should be thinking about not the reward you should be thinking about the process you know they're talking about like there's responsibilities like a duty within like uh marriage to to to sex and all this stuff with another black couple yeah i remember yeah like me at 24 i didn't know what a marriage entailed i didn't know what it would be like to raise kids i didn't know what like giving birth how it would affect my body all these things and it makes you realize most people are never given these real examples and it's they don't know they don't think about that and it's not talked about no it's not talked about they don't know about it they just oh yeah no you know what i'm gonna go into this and it's all flowers and everything and stuff especially that's 25. you know it's a status you like the status hey i'm married yes i got a husband i got a whole ring you should have put a ring on it if you like it or whatever the hell she thinks yeah it's the status and at 2425 it really sounds good but it's much more than the status it's more than that it's work you got to work you got to be able to be willing to work and you have to know that a lot of things change it's not going to say like that the whole time you know women are usually the ones who leave the marriages sort of like the men are happy in their marriages and women don't realize that they're the ones who are often dissatisfied and when this researcher that i spoke to looked at people who were getting divorced it turned out that the women rated their marriages as you know seven not not like three or four as seven they would say things like i love him but i'm not in love with him anymore and the men were devastated because they thought the marriage was just fine right because they're they're not asking for as much right well they have high expectations but they're realistic about well that's right yes i think the individual has lost sight of what it means to be part of a collective and has lost the ability to understand that like sometimes my little wants i have to take a backseat because i'm striving for something bigger you know like preach if i was trying to stay axed and fixated on everything i wanted out of my work life you and i would never be working together and vice versa vice versa i got my advices you know what i'm saying i got my vices but you sometimes have to put your wants on the back burner because you guys as a collective as a unit are striving for something bigger i just know this that i'm more powerful with other people i know that you know what i mean on my on my flag is written false which the union is our power and that's what it is so i'm ready to that you know what keep game that word settling it has such a bad rap it's people whenever the when you hear settling you know what they hear they hear give up when they say no you didn't you should settle you said oh i gave up that's what they hear in the back of their head that's what they hear when you say to someone oh yeah you're settling down i didn't settle me nev they hear you gave up it has a bad rap in the in the in the connotation of people's brain and the way the words work settling down has a bad bad rap so whenever you say you should settle down no i'm never going to give up that's what they hear and that's what it is that's the problem is the perception that they have of what settling is settling is just a thing it's not a good thing it's not a bad thing it's a thing you know okay and then after that how you settle and the context which is very important is going to determine whether it's good or bad but it's not inherently good or bad it's just a thing but people you say settle automatical bad you gave up and i think people have this idea that if they're going to settle they're going to be inherently unhappy it's like no yeah because they gave up you know some of the greatest things in life come from compromise some of the greatest things in life things that you have to say you know what i'm gonna just swallow my pride let me see where this thing goes i'm gonna put in the work and you come out on the other end and it gives you benefits and rewards that you never could have had otherwise without having to sacrifice some things you know maybe my partner isn't the best looking partner i could have had but guess what when i come home at night this person holds me down when i'm doing successful thing they always there yeah do you think what i'm saying it's okay it's okay the the best things in my life has always come from settling in compromise it's not for me i will never you gotta compromise that doesn't mean you compromise on everything but on the things that are really not that important if you're being honest with yourself which are just linked to your ego at some point you have to be honest like why am i holding on to this thing it's not even necessary but i'm pretending and treating it like it is and it's holding me back i will not work at a job that doesn't have the prestige but it pays better than the job that has the prestige yeah i won't work there all right then then don't but don't you know maybe you can't brag about it to your friends like your doctor friend can't but guess what me that job would have been happier gave you more flexibility more autonomy more juices over what you wanted to do but you won't do that because of your ego is that something to be respected to be revered you know one thing i loved about being where i'm from is like you settle all the time because it's a survival thing you can't afford to have this i got my standards in this like but you got food to put on the table for people you feel what i'm saying you better marry this person they may not be the best looking but they come from a good family okay and they and they got their priorities set and they will they will get you through and your family through whatever you got to do you know what i mean that's right and they stay married they stay married my daddy my daddy always told me this he wanted he came here and he went to school and stuff and he always wanted to work in the laboratory he wanted to be able to make tests and stuff like that but my sister was underway yeah so he became a nurse don't sit on your dreams listen he had a kid coming and the second one and the second one was a fat one that's right and was eating all he needed to put food on the table he settled but he's got what he's got now he's good now you see you you see you seen my dad and if i look at him today i'm like i hope i get to be like him when i'm older i'm not even i'm not your friend i see your dad sometimes but i'm like i want that to be me chilling chillin yo genuinely bro very big inspiration i'm a big fan i remember when i was looking at him in haiti and just watching him enjoy the little things and i'm like this man's figured it out yeah yeah he had to sacrifice yeah maybe he didn't love all of his choices but when you look at where he's at you know in the latter stage of his life you can tell he's like i'm good with the choices i made and it was good for the people around me yeah my dad my dad likes you too actually he really hey come on you invited to the house anytime you want because i was like yeah yeah yeah okay and sometimes he's reassured he's like okay oh you're gonna be with abba all right you yeah you guys are good you guys good he knows he knows anything and he's seen what we've accomplished and [ __ ] like that so yeah my i think is there's reciprocity here where my dad is like no no all right let's do let's do the cool dude you're a cool dude yeah my mom just wants to you're here so so she wants to know like is he is this is that right now he's chilling don't even worry about that abba is chilling he's he's not me mom chill yeah yeah and and and there's something to be admired there there's something to be admired there to the priority like gum that they put on on the group in the family unit like the idea of like doing things for the greater group like there's something i really appreciate about that because i think you know grown up in the west it's always about the individual what are your thoughts what are my needs i really want a child what does that mean to have a child to bring in this world it's just something i feel is good you will never hear them talk about legacy you never have to talk about like generational wealth you never know about like family traditions none of that everything is about me and there's a certain level of selfishness that comes in which i think permeates to marriages and that's why i think we fail so often because we're like what i want and even i've fallen guilty to that my own decisions in some of my absolutely and and i catch myself and i'm like whoa uh but i think through putting like like having to humble myself in certain circumstances i've realized there's something bigger than me and when i invest in it it's far more rewarding than anything i could have done for just myself uniquely definitely and and that's and that's the thing like people think that by preaching like that we we put ourselves in a stance where we think we're better than y'all whatever we're not no no we [ __ ] up we [ __ ] up and if we say stuff like that right now and if we're both to film like that it's because we had to learn sometimes from the hard way we've been like that we recognize what we say it's not like yeah you know look at them these peasants no we recognize these behaviors in us as well and me and we're constantly learning i mean i've learned so much about you you know like i'll say this and i say this very comfortably like in terms of like learning about relationships and friendships like you've been one of the biggest sources of information and uh knowledge in that realm but you know that takes a certain level of humbleness and to like be like oh man this perspective okay there's something that he's doing that i'm not that i can take away from because i see how it's rewarded his life and the people around him and it's helped me to be better in my relationships better my friendships better with people around me and i think knowing that it's like oh i get to undo a lot of the societal conditioning that i've had that's made me inherently selfish in some ways to bring it back to the topic man i i did this yeah i think settling has such a negative connotation but i think if people huddle build themselves they realize they can grow so much from from just accepting less and then realizing there's so much more to pull from it yeah definitely you know except less initially to get more later you know and um and and i think if people don't learn that lesson if they don't make that investment in their lifetime they're going to be missing out on one of the best lessons in life that sometimes you just gotta take what's given to you and work with it yeah and sometimes you can make some that's far exceeding anything you could have envisioned for yourself you know and it's not because your partner was more amazing than you imagine or anything that but the labor that you put in helped you craft something from yourself that you couldn't have imagined so um i would just tell people to think about that and understand that these ideas don't have to be negative they've just constantly told you that they are all right so that would be the main thing that i'll take away from this absolutely that's pretty much it we want to hear what you guys think in the comments below let us know your thoughts we want to hear from you guys um that's right [Music] oh [Music]

Channel: Aba & Preach

Views: 578,299

Rating: 4.9790869 out of 5

Keywords: aba preach, reaction

Id: uBdk16dbXBU

Length: 22min 47sec (1367 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 27 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/apx_rbo]

did you just repost my post XD

[u/SirYourself]

Great video!