Series 12, Episode 9 - 'Nothing matters.' | Full Episode | Taskmaster

[Music] [Applause] this is [Music] [Applause] [Music] hi hello welcome to each and every one of you to task master i'm greg davis and i've kept my puppy fat into middle age to make me one cuddly tower of mum beef i'm not here to spoon you i'm here to pass judgment our five brave warriors are reaching the end of the competition now and they're coming out the other end with a better understanding of themselves thanks to this show as one of them put it to me backstage hold me i feel like i've been alone my whole life here they are then for the ninth time alan davis desiree a bit lost when we're off air and passes the time by setting himself tasks tasks like try and make yourself look like a blow-dried otter cry when you go to the toilet for a number two because you still don't understand what's happening and show off to girls by pretending you're modest and nice little alex hello greg i've got a business proposition for you oh wow a proposal great i will offer you 25 of everything i've got if i can come around to your luxury pad yep and that's it i just want to visit once oh no no no i'm afraid 50 of everything i've got no i don't want anything i could come around for 20 minutes you can have percent of everything i own no i i don't want anything to do with you yes worth the trial wasn't it it was really good right what's the penultimate prize task alex well greg you demanded they bring in 40 things that are all the same and can all fit on a towel and are the best that's correct i did the best same 40 things that fit on the towel will be gifted five huge points and the winner of today's episode will take home all 200 things and will even throw in the towel i knew you'd pick on me french fries okay yes here are my gardeners 40 chips carbohydrates they're the building blocks of society you're a very charming woman but good luck are you serious exactly chips are dope anytime hot cold sunny riviera skegness oh my god i think mccain are ringing chips are dope anytime [Laughter] victoria yes apart from one absolute flash of inspiration you've traditionally done terribly in this round i put it to you you're going to struggle to do worse than a handful of fries yeah well i i think i've done better because i've also brought food should we have a look yeah they are cherry liqueurs i think they are the best thing just as an absolute some people say that's you know penicillin or you know the internal combustion engine or joyce's ulysses i say no sharing the cures are the best thing sorry do you think that cherry liqueurs are better than the internal combustion engine because you could say the internal combustion engine has ruined the planet oh it has and i like but it sort of drags a bit off to chapter 17. but these they are perfect so it's chocolate or chips so far okay that's right what did you bring in 40 tiny trophies on a towel inside of each trophy you've also got a pound coin because nothing beats money right like when you get a card from your mom you're like yeah thanks when there's a fiber in it you're like holy crap mom right so holy crap right that is absolutely delicious she's swept in for the big points hey guys tell you what i bought in 40 tennis balls on a massive towel oh girl here they are here they are let me explain let me explain see tennis balls now yeah you just think they're for tennis no they can immediately turn any situation into a competitive situation look i've got tennis ball here bow hit it's got osteoporosis roll it to your nan or do you want to get aggressive and she's quite fit and healthy just love it look at the whole gay teen did i hear you right if your nan's got osteoporosis [Laughter] roll it to a bum yeah like gently to her right alan the pressure's on for you to beat everybody nearly everybody i sort of focused on the towel really and i managed to find a commemorative towel from your hometown whem clever and atop it i have 40 tiny glasses of fizzy blue nun my favorite why wow that land of my father i'm ready to make judgement chips one point to morgana this is really controversial i think i think i'm going to get in trouble for this two points to victoria because i really want this towel full of colored tennis balls i haven't even got a man so two to victoria yeah right three to goes uh dezrey you almost took it but he's tapped into personal sentimentality for me and ego but you came very close four points to desiree five points to allen and when [Applause] there forever is okay what's first alex we're going to have a bit of a chin wag and some idle chit chat [Music] [Applause] [Applause] oh is it like an advent calendar what do you mean hi do you have a favorite number one i'm going to say seven but yeah quite like 12. what do you think of five excellent versatile prime number so happy alone or with friends oh my god have the longest telephone conversation without the other person knowing you are trying to have a long telephone conversation understood this is awful during the call you must not mention television or taskmaster this is awful every minute you must reveal and carry out an action from the board oh oh if the person you call says any of the key words you must hang up immediately oh this is awful this is awful you must call someone within two minutes from now all right victoria i've got no idea who to read i think i'm gonna call my mum mrs morgana actually i'm gonna call my dog it doesn't have it doesn't have a phone does it um oh it's not fair just awful my best friend my comrade and i know you this time sorry you're gonna get there one day not now i want to ring the water board because they've recently sent me an absolutely enormous bill for a leak that wasn't my fault i could ring no okay okay [Laughter] given that you can contact anyone why is this such a hard it was awful i'm not a practical joke person i find practical jokes aggressive and oh look let's crack on let's have a look we're going to get victoria's shame out the way oh add to it with a little bit of guzz here we go victoria and gus [Music] off we go right so hello hello how are you i'm all right yeah sorry i was on the phone who are you on the phone too blood uh supplies no it's really urgent but that's why it's really ugly it's the sign i really need to convey to because this serious situation sorry blood man flipping you know you're crying been getting sleep but i've been stressed very stressful this life better life we're getting older what if what [Music] [Music] sorry i'm sorry i don't know what i'm sorry i am i haven't been doing afternoon drinking and you know what i haven't been drinking that much because i had a weird thing with the dentist and um weirdly i had a problem with my tongue i'm not even gonna tell you about that now but so i've been drinking a bit less but have you have you been like uh hey you've not been giving me the kind of attention that i deserve of late of reason i feel like a spiritual connection has gone brother [Applause] me and you are never not going to be what we're supposed to be and what me and you supposed to be bill is his brothers his brothers and we know that lady can't wait hold on yeah i should have um well that won't be a problem you're gonna get real serious now [Music] [Applause] but it's nice that you went out though it's because it's been weird forever don't put pressure on me i'm trying to express myself in different ways bro we've known each other 25 years and you ain't never heard me do this before [Music] it sounds like i'm playing what i'm working on you have to hang up but there was a lovely rainbow did you see that no i must have missed the rainbow oh i'll call you later i'll call you later okay i forgot they had to notice it i can't believe he said harmonica he didn't even he didn't even get any gcses and he knows what a harmonica is what a guy this is absolutely one of my favorite tasks ever you did a lovely bit of work with the tongue thing you very quickly moved on from the subject this guaranteeing that he wouldn't repeat it but i think he helped you throughout by something pretty down i wrote down a couple of things oh it's been a terrible year it's a tough world it never gets easier so he was filling your silences nicely you don't even see your friends for months and times a bad period of time we just weren't seeing our friends so you ring it really means something they're always lovely to hear from you and what they want is what were you there what weird whether all my tongue stranger conversation i think it probably gave him a lift it's a good job it's your best friend girls that you rang because you went in pretty hard on it when you were blowing that harmonica to say don't put pressure on me we've known each other for 25 years and i'm trying to express myself in different he did go unfortunately in the second minute one minute 46 was the length of his phone call oh no oh compared to three minutes 41 till victoria's friends said rainbow so it said it felt like a thousand years so victoria is in the lead so far next up it's time to learn how alan davies speaks to people on the phone hey hello hi hi bert how are you hmm [Applause] i'm going to have to text her i haven't texted her for a couple of years i haven't seen her since i went to a wedding in 2015. oh i better ring back oh okay thanks helen wow i mean it couldn't have gone worse i don't think i can't remember ever talking to her on the phone so she must have thought this is a bit weird for alan davis to ring me someone must have died finally it's the garrulous desiree and the loquacious morgana what oh god i don't even know what i'm doing should we just do it good luck good morning how are you doing [Music] gotta work that out hello hello how are you oh i'm okay i'm okay we're just having very late lunch oh my god i know so late i was just like oh my god hey how's it going our dog is fine and i thought you know when you're doing your tasks when you sit down and talk about what you're doing you can bring your name [Music] i actually wound up getting this lovely um company uh delivered food but one of the things just like i don't know if it's a new allergy it just made my tongue swell up and i was like yeah i think it might have been the cranberry sauce which is weird because a cranberry is supposed to be so good for you but you know i guess it gets rid of utis and gives you um other lovely problems [Music] did you have a terrible vegan thanksgiving actually tasty we got to have like the official thing with turkey mashers and you know mac and cheese coffee and all the stuff which was great and then it was good i was thinking this morning about how many different people you get to be you know in in one lifetime i mean it's weird because while you're doing the ceremony imagine you might be quite isolated i mean it's kind of not as bad as getting drunk i mean it was yeah like it was a really good learning experience um have you ever seen a rainbow this is a sure question no i mean just have you ever seen a rainbow you know like it is it's kind of both there and not there um damn we were so close we almost had it all dave fine that was that was come on that's two ones in a row now the good news greg for morgana is that it still wasn't nearly as bad as alan it was 53 seconds compared to 20. that's right uh who did you ring was it a friend yes it was my best friend dave so yeah he will accept me in any condition so i knew it was going to be a long one when you uh opened by yawning at dave and he simply yawned back it just seemed like two friends who were in really comfortable in each other's companies you played the right game you avoided the words beautifully but then after a certain point you just sounded like you were both stoned eight minutes 27 very impressive from desperate so island gets one point two to morgana three two guys with his one one at 46. four points to victoria but five to desiree with eight minutes 20 seconds there it is thank you dave hey let's see a scoreboard then in this episode they've all got multiples of three morgana on three victoria garden allen all on six deserts in the lead with nine points marvelous give me more sure yes more here we go this one is a discombobulating game of hide and seek [Music] [Applause] oh hello there how's it going this is not nothing makes any sense quite restricted peripherally you're restricted peripherally yeah i don't like a superhero strike the soldier with your throwing paint which apparently is a thing i have are you the soldier no [Music] the soldier will say your name every five seconds you may not remove or tamper with your helmet fastest winds my time starts when i'm correctly wearing my helmet you're wearing half the helmet alan am i that's the other half that should help you find the soldier okay i could barely see as it is oh my goodness oh weird oh god this is horrible huh what can you say guys oh i see you're cheeky you're a cheeky man alex i can see oh well that's wait this is ridiculous you're talking to me from i guess here and i'm seeing you there i can see uh behind me great so i'm holding your throwing paint yeah i've also got a big stick called a nipper and if you bump into anything i'm going to prod you with it to stop it happening is it electric i don't think so okay they look like so i'm starting the clock and you're there i'm starting the clock and the soldier will say your name every five seconds victoria victoria victoria a classic eyes in the backyard game it is eyes in the back of the head time we're going to see desiree and gus first of all desiree [Music] this is the beginning of a very weird horror film okay i see you guys who said my name all right homie i'm coming [Music] [Music] you really take your eyes for granted until everything's backwards oh is that it oh wait i should just about to hit it was that him i'll put it back up guys who is that [Music] is that a soldier or a walkie-talkie what wait oh well how was that supposed to help me wheezy man dude where are you i think he can only say dead right [Music] hello why am i taking this with me surely that's not going to help wow [Music] alex see the technique i'm using yeah you're pressing the button to make noise yeah is there any more danger oh yeah the danger right in front of you oh there's that's a big left hand yeah that's right is this the door that's right yeah where are you mate i'm coming for you [Music] guys why is this attached to you brother what is that i'm just gonna tell you where i need to go no you worry because you're coming desiree desiree [Music] yeah there is a pond ahead of you now yeah it's a pond yeah there's a little pond [Music] you have struck the soldier with the paint desert worked out that walkie-talkie was a red herring and she often walked backwards which makes sense because her eyes are in the back of her head girls you went for a slightly different technique [Laughter] you went for walking forwards and occasionally taking up an aggressive ninja stuff the thing is he's not the best person to be with if impending danger is around the corner yeah you could have stopped that sentence way earlier [Applause] he was laying on it and i could see him in that camera in it and had a little smile on his face when i was about to bump into something and he'd just tell you about the last second oh be careful i mean he wanted you to hurt yourself yeah i didn't want to i just didn't i didn't want to nip him too early if the knit was unnecessary then sometimes i was too late 12 minutes 54 and what was destroyed eight minutes 30. pretty swift so far the fastest next it's good old old alan and victoria um oh i heard someone say my name came from that direction oh this is really strange [Music] it's all right i know i'm coming i can they say something else i didn't see where my hand is is that him standing on the [Music] why pillar they keep saying victoria [Music] oh that didn't help did it ah you got us somewhere else what shall i do then what do you think you should do turn it off make it stop i'm coming upon another walkie-talkie he's got something attached to it what's that doing i can't see a soldier what oh that's outside oh my lord should i go outside i don't even really understand where that door is never mind the voice i can't tell i feel there's a door there is a door directly behind you now what's the here is this a direction oh so it means it's here right what is there the door that i just saw well there's another walkie-talkie do you think we should turn it off like we did the other one oh you can't look where you're going but well i can't can i tell you as i can yeah okay yes what that was a person where was it where is it hello hello i feel like i could have fallen is this thing in the middle of the path like a well it's a pond why would i just walk blindfolded towards a pond you're not blindfolded you can see okay i think i found a soldier alan have you found a soldier well i don't know this little christmas tree is [Music] you know for two people who are pretty well known for being intelligent it was incredible to watch i mean victoria until she got outside never at any point considered walking backwards i mean would you say that not wanting to walk backwards blindfolded towards a pond it's not a sign of intelligence but when you were indoors never any point did you think i should use this cameras on the back of my head never occurred to me literally until i saw you do that never crossed my mind and just to go to the next level at one point alan tried to speak down a walkie-talkie through his camera so i think it's fair to say there was a level of confusion i'm expecting incredibly slow times victoria was only a minute slower than it does 13 minutes 30. but compare that to islands 19 minutes 20. we were going around around those corridors for quite some time lovely finally yes finally it's morgana more oh that's really tough [Music] oh this is a good idea actually isn't it is it oh [Music] give me my stuff [Music] ah morgana [Music] i mean that was lightning fast wasn't it she walked backwards for a little bit but largely it was just fearless she uh went the right way which helped and then she was passing the door when the soldier spoke whereas girls just carried on down that corridor at that point to be honest i mean i've got to tell you this i could see a little bit because i think it's because my eyes are bulgier than everyone else's so i could see there wasn't any like like immediate obstacles but i mean what i would say if you're gonna saddle a horse up make sure you saddle it up right but don't blame the horse oh hang on a minute i put this huddle on the horse yeah oh well disqualified so no i'm joking i'm joking you're not disqualified it's not your fault there's only one person to blame for you being able to see and that's the person as you quite rightly pointed out i'm so sorry for fitting the equipment and he'll be punished off-camera in the traditional way not the tradition yes the traditional way um well done she takes the points well she did do it in one minute 39 she was moving so much swifter than anyone else so i think it would have happened anyway i'm pretty sure ratified well with that ratification it means that allen was the slowest he gets one point then victoria gets two guzz three four to desiree but five swift points to morgana robinson lovely then i should like one more please i won't let you down and this one sends shivers down my spine [Music] hello hi alan hi guys get goosebumps your goosebumps must be revealed in the lab fastest wins what's the last one what what's the last line oh okay this one starts now great let's get into it let's see who got goosebumps there are lots of types of goosebumps obviously there's a series of books called goosebumps which were in the caravan but let's see how these guys did it here is a bit of birch a clip of carn and some more more ghana haven't they got to do with temperature in it i don't know the best place to get goosebumps i don't think this is going to work is anything happening here nothing i can't see any case man extreme heat to stream cold i'm going to show you in my sleeve yeah let's get cold extreme heat coupled with extreme cold if i just [Music] that's warm can you can you blow in my neck is that a thing i can ask you to do i think i might just stand outside and then come run back in sure that's not worked is it working i don't i feel as moist i don't feel anything bumping i let's check i feel cold in there have you got any yeah it's reading in there but it's no good hold on a minute you've got to shock yourself [Music] i don't know how to manufacture them bumps i mean being scared but i don't know like i'd have to be like petrified like in a are there any ghosts in this house how i just why do you try and shock me boo boo oh i mean who better be better 20 scary ghost videos you won't watch right now yes you scared yet no show me them ghosts ah again no stop it's not scary though this is terrible it has to come at me or something [Music] [Applause] it's not worth it i've stopped the clock some bumpage i'm not crazy look at those follicles they're definitely inflamed i've stopped the clock here's the only other idea i had this chicken was trying to shag a goose outside so it contracted goosebumps you can confirm it feel that feel that there what is that that's a bump huh it's an apple you weren't supposed to take it out isn't it it's a bump isn't it it's an apple did you want me to stop the clock after finding the apple in the chicken probably yeah i've stopped the clock the mistake you made was to employ the services of alex because he's the least scary person on earth he can't bear any kind of uh physical closeness so you asking him to blow on your neck was hell for alex you'll notice he had to go and get a pipe and a fan to distance himself from you his poor wife it's awful we've got a lovely pipe at home it's a bit more colorful in that one you've got your romance pipe it's any consolation gus you putting ice down your back and then it dripping into your ass crack gave me goosebumps what we actually saw was you running outside and then returning with goosebumps and i've i filled in the narrative and i'd say everybody stay inside and then i ran out and i literally stripped off and i and i got my all my bare skin and i sort of hugged the dome yeah right okay it worked i've got goosebumps again she got her goose bumps visibly in two minutes 49 wow so it's pretty speedy wow that's right did she get some bumps she did yeah they weren't massively visible but i'm sorry my goose bumps aren't big enough to satisfy you but you know the pipe didn't really get me there alex it was difficult but it was 24 minutes 30 of desperation that got us there what about oh drippy crack well it depends if you accept that there was a bump on that goose i categorically do not accept that well in that case he gave up after ten and a half minutes what were the wise old sages alan and victoria come up with it's so cold and now it's it's sort of warm oh i can leave the room can i leave the room oh all the information's on the task [Music] do you think it's goosebumpy do you think it's your right in hand or your non-writing hand how long do goosebumps take to arrive this is a very thick jumper i've got on mm-hmm maybe i should take that off i realised that plan wouldn't work because it's too warm in here so i've drawn them on oh i've stopped the clock is that what you wanted me to do yes okay i hope you go and get what oh right a warm job i mean at the moment i'm getting more sort of frostbite and chill planes i'll go outside for a minute [Music] sitting outside on a winter's afternoon in a t-shirt with your hands in a bowl of ice how can i add to this someone else's goosebumps a goose [Music] there's a chicken legs they've got bumps on can we stop the clog i've stopped the clock you've got goosebumps your hands your hands are red i'm going to put them under a hot tap [Music] heartbreaking i mean it's a tasker thing make yourself look like a plague victim it's absolutely rough well it's up to you did these guys get goosebumps victorians wait had someone gone to the caravan and got the books called goosebumps and brought them in would you have accepted that yes or shown us a clip on youtube of the movie goosebumps that would have counted so it didn't have to be literal goosebumps figurative goosebumps were acceptable yes therefore ones created by arts and crafts acceptable yeah if they look like goosebumps i think that is the problem yours were well not bumps or do the books the goosebumps look like goosebumps no but they're called goosebumps they do those i call them goosebumps but you're not known nationally as old goosebumps are you so you can't just say that oh yeah it's a good point retrospectively so if she gets the nickname old goosebump arm you'll give her a point if i see evidence on the internet that the name old goosebump was stuck for you then i will retrospectively award you points it would make her win this task she was 58 seconds to get her old goosebump alan you had very cold hands it was really cold and then you in a fairly lackluster way brought in a packet of chicken legs empty tusk yeah goosebumps are called goosebumps because they resemble the skin of a foul including chicken thighs he was also very slow 13 minutes 51 so so it doesn't matter well nothing matters but i don't have time for an existential price it looks like the chicken bringer it's uh garnet some points right sum it all up okay well we're saying that guzz and victoria did not get goosebumps in the end uh gus and who oh sorry [Music] we're saying that they didn't get any goosebumps and so they also don't get any points correct desiree was actually the slowest to get these tiny little goosebumps 24 minutes she gets three points chicken bringer gets four points with his 13 minutes 51 whereas morgana the dome hugger gets five points after two minutes 49 seconds scores update please in this episode we have a leader by three points it's desiree 16 points okay it's that time again please make your way to the stage you know why it's the final task of the show [Music] guys please can you read the task get the highest score by sliding your ducks each team will slide a pair of ducks three times the duck slider must smirk at the taskmaster while sliding their docks the winning team will receive five points per person the losing team will get zero so greg it's a team task the team of three you're gonna have one go each you two one of you will go twice who wants to go twice victoria or allen i think allen should go twice alan will go twice both teams start on zero we're going to start with des repo come on please slide yourself wow [Applause] just check over the four whoa [Applause] [Music] okay who's next alan davies for his first of two right get your smirk on come on alan it's working lovely smirk and that's a clear four point four points not bad take your time alan i think you put too much energy into the smurfs i always laugh and i'm nervous terrible affliction you'll get me so much trouble in torture conditions that duck's legs are in the divided by two caterpillars cruel the team and two are on two points okay next up is [Music] oh babe it's okay suddenly it's two nil you can do this [Music] [Applause] oh sorry it's it's old goosebumps the old goosebump palm is ready for action get that smokehog [Music] well it is my weaker arm well it's not it's not a disaster just check those are going in the two yeah well done that's good that has drawn the scores level oh yeah [Music] it's divided by two it's better than minus k yes it is sorry allen okay so they're four it's been divided by two they're on two the team of three are on four it's the final goal it is this is the team of three's final shots i believe in you profoundly stop it no crash that sounds scary i'm gonna push okay yeah that duck is a four yeah [Applause] it's a times by 2. [Applause] [Music] okay greg it's 16 plays two but we've got swap scores here oh anything could still happen alan please take the duck for the final time [Music] thank you oh it's a solid start it's the times by two i just needed a few more inches there this is it alan oh no i can't watch [Music] [Music] i'm afraid as your human var i can confirm it's only times [Applause] the final scores two were eight to the team of two but sixteen's the team of three stop me what a scorcher come right now and without those the final scores [Applause] or swap there's ever been yeah and yeah no cigar so victoria and alan don't get any points desiree goes and more gonna get five points each and that means victoria remains rooted to the bottom of the table and 108 desiree on 140. alan 142 goes one four five morgana 150. but in this particular episode we do have one clear winner with 21 points it's desiree bird wins five towels and 200 things please go and get them tiger so what have we learned today we've learned that if you happen to be driving past a house in coventry and you see an old woman bouncing around the room after some tennis balls don't panic it's just ghost khan trying to keep his nan flexible right next time is final touch next time is final time exciting times but for now it's des race time goodbye [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] for more task master subscribe now [Music] you

Channel: Taskmaster

Views: 1,035,083

Keywords: Taskmaster, Alex Horne, Greg Davies, Frank Skinner, Josh Widdicombe, Romesh Ranganathan, The Horne Section, Tim Key, Dave Channel, UKTV, Red Dwarf, Would I Lie To You, 8 out of 10 cats, Taskmaster full episodes, james acaster, guz khan, victoria coren mitchell, desiree burch, morgana robinson, series 12, full episode

Id: Bgi01v9CVJc

Length: 45min 33sec (2733 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 18 2021