Series 12, Episode 1 - 'An imbalance in the poppability.' | Full Episode | Taskmaster

[Music] [Applause] this is [Music] [Applause] [Music] hello one and all i'm craig davis and i am the task master and this is taskmaster it's a brand new series with a brand new cast and a brand new set of tasks but i'm not brand new quite the country i'm a living relic an almighty deity resurrected time and time again i'm not as good as god but i sure am once guy so who are the five so desperate to get their hands on my golden goblet that they would go against the explicit advice of their agents well let's cast our eyes across five faces of fear and please welcome alan davis graduate match guys robinson and victoria mitchell and now to my assistant usually i introduce him in a derogatory way but for a change i thought he could read the introduction i've written for him over to you my name is alex and in interviews i pretend greg and i are friends in real life but in truth we barely know each other also i've got a little winkie [Applause] do you want to play game of who's face am i sitting on yes because i know this is the pre-prepared banter you've got for us i thought you'd enjoy this whose face am i sitting on greg i don't know alex you can have 120 guesses okay i can do an impression of them okay oh would you like a present father christmas yes father christmas yeah that was really good you can't sit on father christmas face oh yes you can right same old prize task is it yes way jose and for this first episode they've been asked to bring in the thing that if you put it in a bag and sit on it it would feel the nicest there are five enormous points available for the best thing that would feel the nicest when sat on in a big bag and the winner of tonight's episode will win all five things and therefore require an even bigger bag and a much bigger bottom this task to me feels fraught with dangers but i know i'm going to start with a mature man who i know won't have gone route one alan davis welcome to the show what have you brought in it's an inflatable cushion okay which i have for the kids in the car but it's an optional extra an electric toothbrush i can't see it in a toothbrush you probably would put the toothbrush inside the cushion it's got a little zip then you turn it on and of course it it buzzes and vibrates and that's always a bonus in the in a seat do you imagine the toothbrush to be lengthways of course or sideways i expect questions but come on there's a level of common sense you'll have to recharge it so there's a limited amount of time for you to enjoy the vibration of your seat alan and that my friend is where the whole thing falls down that's right the most comfortable thing i think on planet earth are boobs and you can't put human boobs in a bag because sick but you can get a replica of those in a bag so what we got were those chicken cutlets that like replica yeah those little guys yeah they go bloop right and they feel boob like in a bag there's a bunch of boobs for you okay static boobs no variety no variation no rotation well i mean you can go to a couple different shops if you want and get different boobs all right to be honest they can all laugh but we've managed to get guys home with them yes you haven't managed to get any guys home with them in a bag because what have you brought i bought a chair and then i put it in a bag here is the chair it's the same one as he's sitting on at the moment right so he didn't bring a chair he's just no am i about you don't know it's important that you and i form a bond of honesty at this stage in the series so i ask you this now last minute did you think i'm just going to say i brought this chair yeah a little bit right good last place what have you bought i brought in a spinning washing machine but it's got to be on spin not just any old washing machine but it's got to be you know on vibrate for the last bit and we can see it spinning right now greg okay see there it goes that's gonna yeah yeah i've got i've got a same bit less subtle i think more ghana but i put it to you excuse the uncomfortable seat i just think it's a bit i mean i'm not saying i want to spend all night on it how long how long do you want to spend on it 5 10. [Applause] i think it's going to give me a bum problem do you really think he's going to tighten everything up it isn't i think it's going to do the opposite i think it's going to work things out that i wouldn't want work victoria yes you've got a nice fitting thing diamonds interesting all this soft things and squishy things and vibrating things all very well i'm looking for the greater comfort of long-term financial security so these are the diamonds that the winner is going to sit on quite a few you brought those in victoria no of course not i if i had that many diamonds i wouldn't be here so what you're offering up is the concept you asked what if you put them in a bag and sat on them would feel the nicest and i say diamonds as a rule i don't enjoy this kind of attitude there's an overconfidence to it that i've stamped out of alex thank you here are my judgments in last place guess who girls you're in the lead currently obviously uh the washing machine the second laziest thing here two points controversially oh no this is interesting it's the diamond bum girl three points above a lifetime supply of diamonds i'm gonna have a vibrating toothbrush for four points and five points to desiree congratulations [Applause] what's first on our agenda okay we are starting with a new non-non-contact sport [Music] where's alex is he off sick cheeky cacti strike alex with a ball alex may not run hide or leave the taskmaster grounds fastest wins so i've got to find the little bastard and time starts now but do i have to find the ball there's alex a sneaky task greg why is it sneaky well they had a little camera there yeah and i could see what the camera was showing on my little screen here so i could see where they were moving but they didn't necessarily know that i could see that well i don't want to mess around i just want to get going who we seem first the first two people we're going to see share their names with old men it's dez and vic um uh where the hell what a ball would probably be in here [Music] hello hello do you have a ball with you no why why am i looking in here this doesn't make any sense okay abort abort abort [Applause] i don't need two do i wait i thought we couldn't it says you can't hide this is this is a ball all right where's the alex but you can't hide out there okay well this is ridiculous are you watching all this on camera and knowing where to go cause that is horrible this is hiding if i can't see you it's hiding [Music] [Music] i'm so sorry okay where the hell haven't i looked oh hello i should have run but i saw you stop doing the thing i know you're doing me [Applause] you're running you're running i'm not allowed to run [Music] that is the most exercise i've done since i was at school that's right there's a book of task master quotes and uh stop doing the thing i know you're doing he's going immediately into it desiree spent the longest looking for the ball we didn't expect that to be tripping what i enjoyed though is your natural anger towards alex yes and for you to feel rage this early bodes very wealthy now it seems to me victoria you were baffled by the rules of the game and you sought to impose your own rules if i can't see you it's hiding is everyone you can't see now hiding from i thought that i'd found him okay there he is great now i'll get the ball and then i came back and he wasn't there that is hiding i haven't moved that's true how did they both do victoria was the slower of the two seven minutes 24 but only 63 seconds quicker over here six minutes and three seconds is in the lead at the moment there we are six minutes spent looking for the ball yeah yeah we've learned that desiree and victoria prefer not to travel above walking pace but are alan and gus more ophe with urgency let's find out i think i'll find a ball first [Music] oh it's annoying because i saw him when he's gone but he's not hiding he just moved [Music] yes i've looked in all the bits alley hello hello hello hey [Music] hello guys is there any way you can go is there upstairs yes [Music] [Applause] [Music] i was calling you pictures of alex for the ball [Music] [Applause] two um very different energies and i have to say that normally when we do a series it it takes a few episodes for the tired middle-aged contestant to make themselves [Laughter] very different energy from guzz it seemed to me that you wanted to um murder alex yeah i asked somebody as well have you got any heavier balls than this like i really wanted to do you did want to hurt him some substantial damage yeah this is good thank you thank you okay so who did better the uh psychopath was in pursuit of you or my lovely uncle bearing in mind we thought victoria's time was slow allen was three minutes slower than victoria 10 minutes 22 but gus was also five seconds slower than victoria so uh seven minutes twenty the benchmark for sloane what we found out is i moved quite fast that's what we've established nice who's left it's time for the morgana show ready ready ball balls [Music] does anyone know are there any balls anywhere i mean i've got to find a ball i know where a ball is [Music] i've just seen in the little fuckabish [Music] what [Music] [Applause] now now we're talking now we've got some spirit bit of verve quite ducky run though haven't i which i wasn't aware of a slightly ducky run i thought you looked like a primed athlete victoria under her breath during it said so athletic yeah yes that was great i'm sitting next to victoria i barely give them out i think there's been a handful of occasions across 11 series i'm gonna give morgana a bonus point for her attempt before we even give her a score why are you giving morgana a bonus point you would think it was because you sat a trap for alex which i really enjoyed and thought i'm going to give her an extra point for that so clever but it's not it's because you called alex a little [ __ ] point yep yes you are setting quite a precedent there for future yeah and i probably said quite a few in the show actually yeah well let's watch those points rack up listen i can't fault it it was a spirited attempt was it a good time though it was five times faster than uncle alan two minutes and four seconds yes well alan only gets one point then it was guzz then victoria then desiree morgana i mean this is unprecedented gets six points i don't have a six function on this but like five plus one so morgana wins the task let's have a scoreboard okay well guys and alan are at the bottom and desiree is at the top with nine points what's next it's a creeping task for our creepy cast [Music] hello welcome alan this is a creeper please can you lie down on it now yes i don't feel like i've got full range of movement in this outfit no belly do you want me to go belly fast no black first yes please oh all right it's called a car creeper is this how you get underneath cars to fix them yes it is little head the rest is on the little black pillow comfortable i mean i've been more comfortable here he comes paint the most flattering picture of the taskmaster in action on the canvas in the lab okay the canvas will either be six inches or six feet above you you must lie flat on your back on the creeper at all times you have 10 minutes to off [ __ ] yeah your time starts now and you must tell alex if you want the cameras to be six inches or six feet above you within the next 10 seconds i think i want it six uh damn it but if it's six feet how would i reach it good question with a very long paint brush six stitches six inches i think uh i think i'll go six feet six feet yeah there we go all right six inches i'll go six feet good luck thank you you must stay lying down there [Music] now i'm not gonna make a feature of this throughout the series because it would become very tiresome but i will point out that everybody agonized over the height of the canvas above their heads apart from alan who when he said i think i'll go six feet may as well have said what does it matter i'll be dead soon i found gus card absolutely adorable for one beat during that introduction he became a ten-year-old boy and i wanted to hold him yes i can i think i've got the beat here here it is black first yes please oh yes cute little thing right alex there's the six footers allen and victoria and the six inches morgana desiree and guzz here's how all of them got on i don't really know where the lab is where am i going whoa whoa okay take this with me this is the most bizarre unnerving experience am i in the lab yet whoa [ __ ] okay sorry oh i feel like i'm in an mri well this is way closer this is six inches guys i always think this is six inches this is five i tell you what six feet is further than i thought it would be what can i do it with i provided you with some paints and that will what about if i was gone past then this is a joke [Music] oh [ __ ] kind of position i'd like to be in brother when i'm at work you know what i mean this is not ours this is a nightmare where i see oh this oh my god oh look at all this [ __ ] okay ah oh lovely okay have you got any brushes on poles paint brushes where were they yeah i feel like this is the first taskbar uh i really feel zen like you know what you've done is reduced the ability for me to cause chaos you know i mean [Music] what are these big pencils it's just a stick oh i'm exhausted seeing any brushes guys this is a wine oh here on bastards i genuinely wouldn't mind if you extended this task to three and a half hours let's get some features on this blob [Music] it's just disappointing the way this has been organized to be honest with you i'm just going to concentrate on eyebrows it's a gold throne isn't it that he sits on i've got no [ __ ] goals you've got six and a half minutes oh no no no no no there wasn't a time thing on the actual thing there was [Music] i wish i'd done six inches anyone can paint from six feet well this is too long this is not how painting should be done i've straightened every muscle in my we still got body time if there's some kind of bowel movements from me it's natural part of life in it [Music] 20 seconds oh come on 20 seconds to give a man a soul to fix the problem with the paintbrush is not uplifting for people ah this is awful guys did you expect the first time in your life to find inner peace listen absolutely not you learn something new about yourself every day but it was uh a very nice break from running around like a [ __ ] all day i just want to say though i was covered in pain and i had to go two and a half hours back to cove and the brother that was driving me back said i don't want to have any paint on my car so the whole zen-like thing didn't last that no it was well sort of sistine chapel vibes well now let's imagine you know yeah it's very michelangelo yeah unlike does ray who uh shouted whoa [ __ ] that's right when she got to her campers and there's a fight feeling to you morgana i feel watching you that at any minute you could just smash everything up and run away but it was very contained it was composed i don't think that victoria knew what show she was signing up to alan you'll be pleased to know you've made it into the tusk master heritage book of quotes with oh come on 20 seconds to give a man a song and i can't wait to see my soul well i thought it'd be nice to see the six inches first so we can compare and control five five a gentleman's six well desiree tried to get some faces on the blob that was her quote and this is what she did yeah i love that um emerging from the sea is it a reflection of him at the top there was a sort of uh myth of narcissus thing going on with uh your reflection rippling in the water that you've just destroyed because you were in action just really bullshitted that one oh yeah that's great we've got guzz next yes good did that i think it's very excellent obviously in my spare time i do enjoy smoking a big reefer what are the hand prints kind of like a signature why'd you call it a signature signature yeah it's got your bags doesn't they greg under the eyes yeah yeah i know i noticed them i was giving him the benefit of the day right the last six intro is morgana here we go oh that looks like a majestic deer you're playing football by the way yes oh am i yeah that's there's a ball and a net on the left there you've just scored a goal but you're still a little bit pissed off so hence the eyebrows oh they're eyebrows a couple of quotes from mcgonner he's basically all eyebrows he's got a pointy nose he's nostrily and angry he's he's basically all eyebrows alex thanks who's next well alan said you've got a dark soul you're red in the face and you're piggy eyed and he did this picture i liked it up to the last second you didn't have any eyes at all and it really looked terrifying yeah but i really have given you a soul there and now who wouldn't want that man he was making the rage of taskmaster that was his title well the rage of taskmaster comes through i like the face okay there's one left this is the minimal approach this is victoria's painting oh here we go come on victoria you've gotta dig deep we're here for ten weeks i don't know if my self-esteem was going to survive this series i disarrayed the myth of narcissus i couldn't do a face that would be more like me if you just fallen into it okay well here are all five for you greg unfortunately yep even though i'm worried about her i'm going to give victoria one point one point well done victoria i'm grateful for that i'm gonna give morgana two points and it's basically because desiree really bullshitted a weight of three points [Music] so it's between girls and allen then for the first time and that is tough because alan really did check in with my soul i guess gus just knows me five points to go on correct congratulations girl right i think we should have another task you messy little boy i think we should too and this one involves me running my very own shop [Music] pop the balloon what balloon ah you must stay behind the rope at all times this ah this rope here let's not move the rope you may buy the tools you need with time that's shakespeare you may buy the tools you need with time it is shakespeare you're right fastest wins my time starts when alex has shown me his tool shop awesome okay hello ellen hello this is my tool shop nice i can offer you a slingshot and a bucket of stones for one minute okay the pebbles cost you one minute 30 per pebble [Laughter] you okay i just i'm getting the concept yeah okay two minutes per fork or the darts are two minutes third of course the rubber ducks are free alan we've also got these nice pork collar scissors and that costs you eight minutes and with them you snip the string behind you and see what happens but that's the only time you're allowed to touch the string but is it gonna take eight minutes of the time that will take you eight minutes yes then brother this is not sensible [Laughter] alex yes i'm very excited to see your pop shop in action i really love this one we're going to start with more guzz karna more ghana and guts hello sir what would you like okay can i have some darts please i'm just going for some darts please how many dots would you like you have two two dots okay well that will cost you five minutes one dart is two minutes and thirty seconds would you like one dart this is a rip off this shop that was all she's gone in the concrete it's church concrete we're gonna be repaired yeah i'll have that repaired [Music] can i try one more dock yes [Music] oh so close you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna have another dot can you explain to me how the slingshot works if you're using the slim truck we both have to wear goggles [Music] can i touch one of those ducks the ducks are free the ducks are free what sort of shop is this it's good aggressive welcome back [Music] [Applause] that deserved to pop there is a imbalance in the probability of the balloon you're good at that can i have a refund no that'll be seven minutes 30 please you don't have to even say a word okay because i've been at school again [Music] [Applause] for [ __ ] sake [Music] can i have the scissors please that'll be eight minutes [Applause] [Music] i've stopped the clock there's a word i've never used it before in life it's called hindsight why have you never used the word hindsight before just not in my it's amazing that you're asking to look back look back should i tell you sometimes oh here we go guys eight minutes without the time penalties it was a total of 36 minutes 58 you could have listened to the theme tune to last the summer wine 53 times morgana 84 last of the summer wine theme tunes that's 56 minutes altogether because of 13 darts four pebbles scissors and actual time as well lovely would you like to see queen victoria the second all by herself yes please here she is i'll have a dot please okay the dart will cost you two minutes 30. thank you madam thank you i'll have another dog oh welcome back yeah that will cost you two minutes 30 tutorials [Music] ah hello hello how can i help you a dot [Music] you think again why would it do it but i can't even hit the thing duck duck out of three ducks any particular ducks i don't mind duck i'm using the ducks to practice saying okay i'll have a dart please i don't that will cost you two minutes dirty [Music] i've already used more than eight minutes haven't i quite a lot more i think the move might be to just take the scissors in the first place ah [Music] [Applause] i've stopped the clock that's so satisfying that was so worth it i don't care if it had taken three days that was so worth it [Applause] lovely now we're cooking you enjoyed that one right i did enjoy it you didn't bank on um victoria using ducks to practice her reign didn't you i did not it was a nine dart finish 25 minutes 30 was her total time which puts victoria in the lead by miles oh well that's nice last up it's alan d and desi b yeah yeah i'm gonna i i'm not confident i can hit that with a dart first time there is a slingshot i would love to purchase one right cost you one minute i'm quite tempted by the scissors and that will make it drop on it yeah i think that's the one i wanted you'd like some scissors yeah okay this will cost you eight minutes okay here we go [Music] [Applause] oh eat it okay you know what um i'm gonna go ahead and buy some scissors oh you can buy the scissors oh okay you know what um you know what i just i think i'm gonna come for some ducks oh right hi there how can i help you i would like to purchase those three darts three dogs yeah nope god no ding-dong hi let's go ahead and buy three-fourths why not six minutes [Music] hello there i think i'd like to get another thing no the slingshot okay what is wrong with your rocks [Music] you keep hitching it with the stones now this is getting ridiculous yeah ding dong oh hello madam i would love to get another set of darts no maybe definitely not ding dong one fork and six ducks [Applause] ding dong i think i would love to get some forks well it's got a bucket of forks here how much is the bucket that'll cost you an hour that's an hour well spencer got yourself a deal enjoy your food thank you so much i think you know how to throw forks [Music] hello madam ding dong sir how can i help you you know what can i get some scissors some scissors if you've got one pair left they cost eight minutes in your own timer okay right [Music] i stopped the clock that was very enjoyable [Applause] oh it would have been great if i could have aimed the scissors [Applause] does the clock still have time inside of it let's nearly run out thank you guys ray thank you [Applause] right well before we get to the main course let's deal with the starter uh what happened there alan have a snack you wanted to go and eat there's no way i'm gonna hit that balloon from here that's what i thought very efficient eight minutes a minute thinking so a minute plus eight nine minutes for alan so he is the winner of the task five points well done now okay look for the record when i got up there my my head went get the scissors it's worth the time but i was like that is not the game that is not the show that's boring and i was like yeah if i just win it that's boring whatever that attempt was it wasn't boring and it looked like we'd set up that portcullis not to work but it was genuine wasn't it the port colour was meant to work but it had lost the will to live and listen i'm going to call it in 12 series that's the worst attempt we've ever seen any task the time it's an entire series of last of the summer wine two hours 57 minutes so desiree gets just the one point morgana two guzz three victoria four and alan davis five points there you go it's not always about being entertaining quick look at the scores then yes it's a close one all five of them could win with one task to go but allen is in the lead at the moment with 14 points wow here we go all right then everyone please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show [Music] hello hello greg hello everyone who will you be choosing to read up the task young fellow malad victoria write down a cool hobby a fun animal and a famous person you have 30 seconds and those 30 seconds start i'll repeat them for anyone struggling it's a cool hobby it's a fun animal lovely it's a famous person thanks guys how are you getting on with the picking up not great i hurt my back a little bit oh my god greg i've got news there's a second part to the task oh what you trickster strike oppose to represent first your cool hobby then your fun animal then your famous person you will have 10 seconds to strike a pose and must then hold the pose until the end of the round the taskmaster will attempt to guess what each pose represents you may not make a noise or movement when posed and just so you know i am notoriously bad at these games please strike a pose to represent your cool hobby oh god oh my god okay what do you think alan is doing i think alan is um making um a model i can't give you that he's doing surf gaming it's surfing with origami seth garmi okay no points for alan so far what do you think desiree is doing i think desiree is in a cool bowling alley yes yes aj correct yay what cool hobby is guzz khan pretending to do oh i was going to say trampolining and that's a mid-air trampolining pose it's not right it's a bobsleigh ting oh of course it's a bobsley team it's morgana's turn now she is currently representing a cool hobby table tennis correct nice wow finally victoria cory mitchell okay i think she's on the wall of death on a motorbike no i don't she's kayaking she's doing ice sculpture all right of course it was eyes cool it was a literal cool thing okay please pose as your fun animal you have animals [Music] alan is one funky orangutan unfortunately not he's gone for a zebronkey it just might be a really fun rabbit oh it's the rabbit's cousin the hamster that famous hamster pose now then gus has used his clothing what animal is that i think that is a duckbill platypus it's an aardvark oh the beak of the aardvark quacking away what animal is she she's a fun puppy but i'd like to know what breed you think she is oh she's a fun little labrador she's a sausage puppy look how long are you yeah you're long you are long is it half a point for puppy yeah yeah yeah so what do you think victoria cory mitchell is representing he's got to be a lovely fun cat it's more fun than the cat it's an otter oh they are fun as well so fun you've got 10 seconds to pose as your famous person okay [Applause] okay so they've all posed good luck with this greg well he's an artist of some kind which one he's salvador dali he's tony hart of course he's totally not all right let's move on to desiree birch it's a film star witch film star it's macaulay culkin oh it's will smith oh so close now then guzz khan my initial feeling is it's it's hugh edwards the news presenter give me a minute it's the big jc isn't it it is the big jc it's jesus christ oh wow it is without question madonna morgana is a different pop star sees cheryl cole i was thinking vogue no for [ __ ] sake and finally victoria what can it be with two hands out like that and no tangible expression well i mean that's pretty accurate it's neville chamberlain actually not that far off it's john craven hey well done everyone come back down here and we'll add all that to the final score [Applause] [Music] here we are oh that was exciting it's lovely to have john craven and jesus on the show and you did some good guessing you got one of desiree's right she got one of guzzi's right i did but one and a half of morganas hey so she takes the full five points well done morgana well done there's also one point each to victoria and alan for coming last and three points each for guzz and desiree there you go something for nothing which means the final scoreboard it's been a tight opening episode i'm very excited i genuinely don't know who's won the winner with 17 points is morgana robinson there it is robinson wins please go and have a celebratory sit on your prizes so what have we learned today well we've learned that life is a continuous struggle but if you apply yourself you can learn new skills make new friends and do great things we've also learned you should never borrow ellen davis's toothbrush see you for the second installment but for now our first winner is morgana robinson [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] for more taskmaster subscribe now [Music] you

Channel: Taskmaster

Views: 1,775,413

Keywords: Taskmaster, Alex Horne, Greg Davies, Frank Skinner, Josh Widdicombe, Romesh Ranganathan, The Horne Section, Tim Key, Dave Channel, UKTV, Red Dwarf, Would I Lie To You, 8 out of 10 cats, Taskmaster full episodes, james acaster

Id: KJrEaJqejwo

Length: 45min 35sec (2735 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 23 2021