S07 Ep08: Facing the Fear of Man, Intimidation & the Fear of What People Think

hi everyone and welcome to this episode of transformed you a mark - hey Suz here with my amazing wife and co-host Melissa and we're gonna get into some more areas on the subject of fear of taking your fears and turning them into places of tremendous victory and we want to get into the subject of the fear of man intimidation the fear of what people think worrying about what people think we're gonna do our best to share our own stories our own journey and help you get free from this trap because if you want to experience the life and the freedom and the empowerment that's available to you you're gonna have to face this issue at not just one time but multiple times in your life but it can be a very fruitful experience so welcome to the show if what we're talking about here makes a difference in your life and journey check out the book that I've written called I will not fear at the second edition it will talk about some of the things that we're talking about today and we're gonna try to use stories or use analogies and use our own journey to add to it but man this will really help you to understand everybody faces the fear factor and we got experience freedom and facing it and if you love our videos or content and resources articles things like that please consider becoming a supporter you can do a one-time donation or you can become a monthly supporter and join our transformational tribe so where do we begin when addressing this issue fear of man okay so I think fear of man can be you know I'll just speak from my own journey of it so for me coming to terms and understanding kind of giving it a label of fear of man I think most of my life I thought well I'm just insecure which there is an very big element of that right we're don't really know how to be secure in ourselves to be confident so when it comes to dealing with people whether it's getting on a stage and having to look at somebody having an issue in your family you need to confront a spouse a child we all have a lot of insecurities around what other people think of us and to me this hits so many areas and I think you know growing up I didn't know that's what it was I just always felt so out of place when I would get in front of people I would awkwardly over talk and not say what I really wanted to say and let things go for me I think yes fear of man is in so many areas of my life but the thing that it stands out the most for me is where I've needed to deal with an issue and been so scared to death to do it right and and God has created us as his messengers to use the most powerful tool we've been given which is our voice and everybody listening to this watching this god is giving you a voice the Bible calls your tongue a rudder the the the message of the gospel the message of transformation whatever God is doing in people's lives has to take place through the exchange of words through someone's voice so you don't even have to be a public speaker or someone who's doing a podcaster or putting videos together or teaching it doesn't even have to be that I can be in your home where you're talking to your husband or talking to your wife or talking to your kids talking to your mother-in-law or talking to a neighbor there is a confidence that God wants us to operate in and a boldness not to not to just you know just boldly say whatever you want to speak with power love and a sound mind but if you if you notice that scripture where in 2nd Timothy Paul says to 2 Timothy who's his spiritual son in the faith he says listen stir up the gift that's in you that remember we laid hands on you there's giftings God has birthed into your life and stir that up for God's not giving you the spirit of fear the whole context of that verse is speak be confident step out and who you are and when fear comes no it's not from God but that fear wants to entrap and block and keep doorman what's inside of you and who you are but what God has given to you is power he's giving you love he's giving you a sound mind and those three are amazing aspects of God's nature that really equip us when you when you live in power there's confidence there's there's a boldness there is a steadiness but it's it's clothed in love you know the power doesn't just operate by itself it needs love truth needs love everything that God does needs love and God's like I'm I'm working with that with you and a sound mind in those moments where you're like speaking the truth or you need to say something and it's a tough moment I find for me the thing that gets attacked is the power aspect not only love but then the sound mind it's like you lose that clarity right like you start going blank sometimes you panic sometimes you oh my goodness my words aren't coming out correctly I had it all planned out and now it's it's a stroke because that's that's the warfare that's the battle is to keep those three areas from from being effective in your life but the point that I want to make up front is that your potential in what God can do in your life I believe a lot of it stands on your journey of learning to develop your confidence in being able to speak out the things that need to be talked about say the things that need to at times be said and we if we're honest we spend a lot of our time skirting around so instead of maybe having a conversation with the person we need to talk to we talk to everyone else about it and we just kind of build our case or we wait till we're violently angry to get the like righteous I need to do this violent anger that's bubbling up inside of us and then that really never goes well anyways that's what usually we wait for is that moment of the surge where we go I know I can finally do it now I have the he's an old term gumption to do it you know and really that's a lot of the time just not the best mode to enter into those things with it's in that place of soundness having peace inside of you walking more surely in who our and then out of that you can capture your words you have clarity of thinking which seems to go away like it for me goes right out the window like boom or I think I'm walking into a situation and I'm like I'm feeling good I'm gonna just shout I'm gonna talk to this person it's gonna be great and the next thing I am like over-talking hyper talking spun out and then which we'll get into in further episodes the OCD spiral of analyzing everything I've said so it insecure spirals me out into such an OCD spin so this thing is it's it's a it's a big thing that I think most people can say yeah I understand that and I I want to break through that because I want to be more comfortable when I'm interacting with people when I have to get up and speak I want to you know be the kind of person that if a word needs to be brought I have confidence to do that and not care what other people think and I think what you mentioned the over-talking right those times you feel insecure into you kind of can contend can tend to over talk out of the fear of man to make things better right you want you want to feel better so like let me just kind of keep talking because you're wanting that person to give you a sense of acceptance shake of like yeah I get what you're saying so then so then many swing into another place which is a passivity where we don't bother at all and we just don't speak we don't talk we don't say what needs to be said and we just let that issue just hover and then what happens is that the nature of fear is it's all smoke and mirrors you know the fear is a liar it wants to magnify what could go wrong and and your life ending and you could die and all these things and just intimidate you but it wants to just keep building its case the more we we don't act on something the bigger it becomes so the more you don't have that conversation it just becomes this big you know monster that just that just kind of keeps growing and then it it dominates over the situation and that's why some people can use the term even in spiritual warfare teachings use a term Jezebel ik because Jezebel in her relationship with Elijah and a hab her husband it shows the dynamics of how intimidation works because she threatened Elijah with just a message all she did was send him a message like basically so help me I'm gonna do to you as as you did you know I'm gonna I'm gonna rough you up buddy you know kind of thing and it really caught Elijah at the knees like it made him spin out he's depressed he's spiraling he's by himself he's like oh I'm all alone I can't even do this it all came out of just one sentence of intimidation from her right well in order for that kind of bullying work to take place and it doesn't just happen in females it happens in males too so just understand that but in Jezebel's case her passive husband makes way for that to flourish to keep growing to keep happening it thrives so in churches businesses the the fear and intimidation that keeps people from being free to speak out who they are in God and and walk boldly in that there is a work of intimidation that that keeps people in a passive mode so if I was if I looked at any church that has like a church split issue or a problem this fear of men is there and there's a passivity of not just truly addressing what needs to be addressed because we're gonna shake the tie there's or we're gonna shake this person or that person has been an elder for a long time and so politics comes in and it happens in our work in our corporate and our families our families could be the hardest because family how do you really get away from family we need to have birthday parties we all need to be around each other right right hand and yeah at the same time God has put in all of you listening to this he's giving you a message he's giving you your story that he's doing in your life and please understand that the gates of Hell want to pull everything possible to cause you to be passive discourage disoriented spin out nicely overthink isolate to just not go like like like God said to Jeremiah don't be afraid of their faces because I'm with you and God always always said that he use a two-handed thing don't be afraid whatever you do just don't be afraid people are so worried about doing the wrong thing and I gotta get it just right and I gotta say it right and do it God's like just don't be afraid and secondly because I'm with you cast your cares I mean because I care for you do not be afraid for I am with you the Lord is my help I shall not fear what can man do to me so so it's a hand-in-hand thing that we have to realize there's an exchange that God wants to do with us he wants to walk with us in relationship he's not sending you out jumping off the cliff by yourself he's with you the whole time but he's gonna teach you and for me I think I have learned some of the biggest areas of growth by facing the fear of man and I've had to face it in major levels at different areas to to really discover the confidence it's available and discover the work of God that that can show up whether it's been and what I write about in my coaching work show some a lot of my coaching work because you know you want to help people and you want them to be you want them to have a good experience and then there's the most moments where you have to have the tough conversations of like this is you've got some decisions you gotta make and I have to face to face realize this person could never want to speak to me ever again and I have to be ok with that because I can't let fear be my dominant motivator that's so good sure yeah no I think you know when I think about this it's really heavy I think in most people in their lives because it's causing susat such a disruption from us having healthy and whole relationships and we're so afraid you know even as you're saying the Scriptures it's challenging thinking and I think for most people it's challenging me and I think for most people it should challenge you like what's gonna happen what's gonna happen you're still gonna be safe you know what if you confront things and if you start healing these areas in your life where then you now are able to stand up in front of a crowd and give that speech you want to give or you need to have a conversation with a sibling that you haven't had that you don't like how they're treating you you know what's gonna happen the truth will be out you'll overcome something and you're moving towards wholeness I have all these thoughts in my head so it's getting jumbled but like we we we want to move towards because relationships are suffering so bad because of these things sorry I'm I'm double talking but relationships are suffering at the at the core of this like our hearts are too everyone wants to have better relationships and this thing is is right there in the middle of so many things in our lives and I just want to encourage you to take that step today like there may be some confidence some greater confidence you need to walk in and this goes to actually I had a beginning thought that you are so good at bringing when you coach people into being easy on yourself and it's okay if you fail and like taking those steps in what you need to do to face that fear sorry it took all those words to say that to face that fear in that area that you're looking to overcome and then if it doesn't go good I'd like you to talk to that like if it doesn't go good and you don't feel good about it after how to be easy on yourself and love yourself through it yeah because the answer to the fear of man is we could we could talk about ten steps and these things and all that but the answer is really you have to face it and you have to face it while shaking in your boots yes thank you yeah and celebrate the fact so so for example fear of man has come about in my life and a number of areas in having honest talks with family members in my pastoral work when I was on staff and doing youth ministry dealing with parents who didn't like some way I was doing something in the youth group worship ministry oh my goodness the fear of man was huge in that you're dealing with the disapproval of people they're liking your music style your songs the way you do things who you picked to sing you're looking out in the congregation you're seeing people not participating you're attempted to take it personally you have these people that come in like duds like like why are you even here you know anything you have to like guard your heart then then pastoring our own own church and and dealing with people leaving and just not even your you take the the heard of of what you're talking about and preaching and teaching and and and feeling that disapproval of people feeling the betrayal the moments of betrayal that come about then there's the the years of hundreds and hundreds of people that I've that I've coached over the years now personally and some of those times where there's a marriage and it's abusive and you have to like you have to bring out this is not right and I'm not gonna pattycake this or did I mention enough examples yeah so and so at all those levels I even remember there was a season where I did a little bit of traveling speaking and I go somewhere man I just I'm like filled up to my neck with I'm a new guy speaking these people never heard me and I can remember personally some of my biggest moments of deliverance so to speak like really epic moments where I could feel something in my heart like literally breaking off and and there is a significant war in this area if you don't believe in warfare I I don't know you you face this stuff because it's there and I remember I remember one time driving you know to New Jersey having a like just I all-out war on this thing and even at one time just like yelling at the top of my lungs in my car like fear you're not gonna win you know and I remember sometimes those moments where when when I would like face that fear in my prayer time that sometimes that shout or that stance like I'm just not gonna be bullied by this right then there's other times where it's the it's the nurturing calming work of love that says don't be afraid because sometimes the warfare stance can make you a little edgy and it makes me a little like so I would talk to the person but there's a little bit of an edge to me that you know I mean there's a little harshness I'm coming across a little angry I don't mean to and that's my insecurities and stuff coming across but then over the years I learned now it's not in that that warfare that that that boldness that that kind of needs to be done like in your personal but when you actually interact with the person you want to be clothed with love seasoned with grace really tough it's so hard because you're overanalyzing I do this a lot like you overanalyze everything you're saying you want it to come out right you want it to sound right like in any of those scenarios you laid out which is where I was thinking before and trying to get my words out because I'm like all these scenarios are whipping through my mind of we could go on so many tangents when it comes to fear of man right like a lot and you know like being able to walk into peace and knock it like riled up inside and not have that edge that is really really hard and it goes back to really like all the other podcasts we've done like all this is such a culmination of our healing journey and you know coming together and then when you have that moment where you're like okay I'm gonna talk to this person I've been wanting to talk to him about this and it goes good and you're like oh my gosh all this work I've been doing it's working I feel good about myself and it didn't matter how they responded or I stood up in front of the crowd and you know what they stared at me and I'm I'm okay and I'm I love myself over it like I think I think I think the first thing I learned about the fear of man beyond my public speaking because I I was doing that since I was young and have had years and years of like working that out but really let's kind of put that aside for a second because day to day life realizing my relationships are usually one very honest conversation away from becoming a great relationship and I think that people that are listening to this in your marriage in your relationship with friends co-worker or people that you value where that relationship has the potential to move into more of a covenant relationship right there's different levels of relationship you know you got your you got your acquaintances you got your people you just see every now and then people you work with then you have like people that are closer then you have like the patina the core or the potential core those are like covenant people we're like you potentially go the long distance with I find the limitation is on the level of honesty like how honest can you be of hey you know when I call you four times you never get back he never acknowledged it it hurts and I want a better relationship can we have a better relationship I'd really like that where we can we come and try to reason together not just like poor are all our wounds out on the table but I come in and reason with each other and and and talk through in a way that's the end goal is I want a better relationship that I think is where the fear of man traps us the most because what we do is in the name of love we just tolerate what everybody does and we just we're constantly just just just just pushing aside pushing aside which is fine because love covers a multitude of sins you know there is um there isn't a power and overlooking an offense and and just I'm not gonna I'm not gonna get hung up on that but I think there is a there's a time where we need to go you know what I just really want a better relationship and you know I know you've you've you've experienced this a lot where you've met with someone who's a friend and we were you're like I just want to call the relationship to a new level and if it doesn't go there it doesn't go there but I see the potential there and I want to at least try to have a conversation and then if it does and then like you said earlier in this episode is that if it doesn't work out I need to be okay with the fact that I gave it a shot that I that I put myself out there because there's times where I put myself out there and it just didn't go well right so that's I I remember I remembered specifically a guy I was I was working with and it wasn't ministry work I was I was earning money while we were building our ministry and I remember he was a guy was working for and I I just opened up my heart and I had a moment and it was like crickets when I shared my journey my stories my stuff I've been through and I started to like I started like crawl into a hole and I'm driving on the way home and I called you and I'm like oh my goodness like that was just awful sharing that with him and your response was no you need to you need to celebrate the fact that you gave an opportunity for there to be a another level of real interaction and communication and you're gonna have those times where it's just not received and and that's that's the thing that I've had to learn and facing the fear of man is releasing the results in God's hands I can't maybe I didn't say it the best way or maybe maybe a little bit of my anger came through or maybe I was confused or maybe I didn't say what I really meant and I but I gave it a shot and I'm trying and I'm learning and god I know you're working with me give myself that grace and then I give other people that grace - mm-hmm well I actually wanted to talk about that because there's a couple verses I think even one in Hebrew about Hebrews about you know basically don't give in to fear God is with you because what can man do to you well he can reject you he can not hear you he can turn away there's a lot of things and it's not to get Oh Debbie Downer on that but working through that when it doesn't go well I think I think that verse what can i what what can man do to me that's it Hebrews 13 16 yeah so the NIV says so we can say with confidence the Lord is my helper I will not be afraid what can what can mere mortals that's great the New Living Translation so we can see with confidence the Lord is my helper so I will have no fear what can mere people do to me there's something about that like mere mortals or that like it puts in perspective so I think that verse is so much easier said than done I'm saying I think it's it's it's preached it's talked about it's screamed about it's declared we get social memes does it mean or BEM I think memes but you can let us know but it means so I think that it's the rubber meets the road in really understanding I have to experience in the moment to live out this is not something you're gonna get just praying about it it's something you're gonna get in the activation in the moment oh my god I'm going to trust you're with me what you say is the most important thing in my life now here's what makes it challenging do we say so we are confident to say in the Hebrew right says we're confident to say boldly say in other translations people don't have that confidence of God's having having our back and being with us in that kind of deep reality that's why we deal so much with the father image and the father's love and understanding I've got your back I'm with you dealing with because in the moment of trying to have that conversation or trying to say something all our issues back to childhood come to the surface right which produce a lack of confidence and you're not going to fully have all your confidence and then say it or then have the conversation or give the message right so you could potentially walk into a situation with good confidence and you think to yourself even in the moment while this is going good and then at the end it doesn't my bigger thing which I think a lot of people you know it's it's twofold is the recovery when it doesn't and you walk into it thinking God's got my back I'm good I'm confident I know what I need to say you say it and then at the end it doesn't go good and now the confidence goes bye-bye and what's the recovery from that you bring up a great point and I don't think I've ever heard anyone talk about that and in a setting like this or in a teaching setting is the after effect of the hard conversations I think that that's where the devil does the most work image right it's not in the conversation it's afterwards because when you leave it there's a replay you replay the interaction and there's all kinds of twisties and things that come in and self insecurities it's just said this is it that and then we're translating what people said or didn't say and their eye language and their brain and so the narrative of what happened so now we're developing a story of what happened that isn't exactly accurate right and we now could be either avoiding somebody who literally just needed time to maybe take it in and process it and wants to have a conversation and on their end they're spinning out we always just take our own feelings and write create create a story of what we think they're thinking and then usually we don't stay in the game we avoid we don't call we we do stuff that removes us for safety reasons I don't and I do this I have done this a lot I'm gonna be the first to admit it I don't want to feel that again so I'm not going there I don't want to feel that again I'm not gonna do that or I'm going to avoid that person or whatever right and then that and then you you you want to say you I don't mean just you people in general you you lick your wounds you you go forget it and then God comes to us and goes I want to get you back in the game because I don't it's like when he went to Elijah and said what are you doing here I don't believe God was just saying in this geographic location I think he was saying what are you doing in this predicament I wanted and it's funny because this is this is one of my favorite stories because there's so much about mental health and emotional health in this moment with Elijah in first Kings what is it 17 18 19 in that arena read it and let it but an immersive work Elijah's like his his power gets stripped from him because of this intimidation and he loses who he is in that moment and we all have those moments where we get like we get hit like it just you you go and you have a conversation you think it's gonna go great and all of a sudden it goes terrible and you you did not see that coming or there you know all these things that go wrong the recovery is critical because we make these vows and agreements and forget it and you know Peter denies Christ and he's like I'm going fishing you know basically forgot and Jesus you know shows up to him and has to like really speak back into his identity because out of certain like dynamic moments that the enemy brings the aftereffect punch just as we're like in that struggle as we're walking out of the ring he gives a cheap shot mm-hmm while you're on your way out beating yourself up maybe it right when you go to lay your head to sleep and you're thinking you're like I'm good and then right the replay the instant replay happens that good so III think the point of this episode that I would like to bring home and you could tell me if you think otherwise is is what what is the conversation or the area that you keep avoiding that if you face it could do two things at least one of them if not both bring about a greater relationship potential not don't don't start throwing stones at people accusing some of them you know we all need like conflict resolution skills you know what I mean but to say things in a way that is is is seasoned with grace where it's like I want the relationship to be better where that potential is there but it's kind of sitting dormant and you're maybe one really good conversation in your marriage with your kids with with somebody you work with or just a good friend or relative but that - there's a greater you that needs to rise up and it's not going to be in I'm gonna get the confidence and then do it you build your confidence as you take the step and the step is the courageous thing so it's not really about confidence it's about courage it's about taking the step Wow fearful and being okay with that I'm fearful and I'm giving it a try and then the after effect of celebrating the fact that I work through this and I can learn from it now yeah that's really good and if I could I want to just go a little bit deeper in it too and it's the thing that for me with this that I've had to confront when I look at all these scenarios when I ask what can man do to me really the answer for me is they won't love me and accept me and it's confronting that part inside of me really I think boils down to so much when it comes to fear of man they're not gonna love me in whatever state I'm in and accept me and really that goes back between me and God and having grace and love of myself and receiving that from him cuz when you have that in play or you can grasp it a little to me it's made my recovery from these lucky moments a lot better in recognizing that cuz I have a couple of those big ones that still try to pick at me when I'm wake up in the middle of the night and I have a girlfriend of mine from years ago my last interaction with her to me because there was some where I wanted to really prove to her no I'm not the old Missy anymore and it didn't go the way I didn't get the reactions from her I wanted and it still plays over and at the end of the day I had to confront oh I wanted her to tell me something that I should be receiving from God and being settled inside of myself and I think that's that's a big piece of this for a lot of people when it comes to this really well said and I I can the fear of man will tie into rejection mm-hmm you know so that this is the segues into the rejection route as well too because I would feel the need to over explain myself and because I I want the person I thought well if I just explain myself they'll understand they'll see they'll agree with me therefore like me and I'll feel okay and then when it doesn't that I'm spinning in it spinning in and spinning in it so part of the breakthrough of the fear of man is also letting go of people needing to be a core source of love and people how do you do that and it's working it out because in the end you were you were designed to be loved to set you up for greater confidence in God you were designed to be in healthy tribes and healthy circles relationally that will impart to you and equip you and build you up to send you out and to do - to encourage the confidence in you well we all have screwed up areas of that in our life and in our journey so god is looking at us and he's going okay I want you to have safe relationships but that's not the main thing the main thing is I need to become a real presence in your life and you see I don't have anybody and I was orphaned or I was abandoned or my my parents were nuts or my family's so dysfunctional or I had a church that was abusive or I write and God is saying in that area I want to become more real than ever so we want to be open to the interactions but I found I had to let go of the idolatry because that's what it becomes the idolatry of I need this person because when we when we hold that then it becomes a it becomes a god it becomes a driving force to my decisions and my motives when I let go of that and put that person off the pedestal then I I can begin making some better decisions it doesn't just all of a sudden make the fear go away like I said I've had many many layers of breaking through this I've had a few just recently they've been great they cleared my mind out right but it's it's it's it's work so this is a assignment for those who want to be you know they want to really touch hearts and and carry a heart of Elijah that God says in the last days I want the heart of Elijah to restore the fathers to the sons you say I want to help people with their emotions or their relational issues I want to help restore families well help marriages wherever that looks you're in Elijah ministry right and this thing's gonna come at you and slap you down and discourage you and make you want to quit and go this what's the point of this and spin out and then God goes and comes and says what are you doing here what are you doing here I have I have thousands of people waiting for you and and what was when God said that to Elijah and he said would he say I have 7,000 people waiting for you what was he saying he saying they're waiting for you awake to who you are and I could go into all kinds of different avenues of of that story but I think that the goal that we're trying to bring out in all our talks is enhancement of relationship you God how you see yourself and how you translate that into your family to your world to your interactions to your calling and just look at the place where where have I been more passive that I need to speak my mind there are times were it wasn't until I got angry that then I you know and sometimes that's what it takes you know Jesus flipped a few tables sometimes it takes that I wasn't my favorite way for it to come out I'd prefer to be like just all nice and rosy but there are times where it's like man I need to I can't let that stuff just sit inside of me because it will cause me to go dormant bitter and angry and all that stuff will pent up inside of me so anyway I I hope this is this is speaking to somebody's life into someone's journey and the the book I will not fear will help deal with this in different avenues in different ways we just have a newest book come out which I'm so excited about if you're gonna go where do i i want to delve into the heart healing journey i want to start working on the issues of my heart where do I start people write to me all the time I ask that where do I start get the cop get a copy of the heart healing journey paperback audio ebook and soon to be video online course I'm gonna be I'm really excited about the online course and what that's gonna look like it's gonna take it into some more ways where you can connect to the message of it please consider a one time donation supporting supporting us and consider partnering with us we're doing our best at produce and create quality materials that will speak to your heart and insightful and practical ways but we hope we found yourself in our conversation today we hope that you find where you are in your journey could take where what we've experienced and walk to some new levels awesome you know I think it's good yeah we love you all thank you so much for the the great comments a great feedback for the most part the feedback on our materials has just been really really positive and the ones have been negative we bless you anyway take care and we pray that you'll experience just greater healing and freedom in your life until next time live live the life that God's called you to live from your heart full of his love and what he sees in you and may it change all your relationships so thank you everyone

Channel: Mark DeJesus

Views: 3,377

Rating: 4.9788361 out of 5

Keywords: Fear of Man, Fear, Anxiety, Relationships, I Will Not Fear

Id: BkZVTazeJ0s

Length: 38min 24sec (2304 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 04 2019