S05 Ep08: Healing Rejection in Your Relationships

if you look at all your relationship frustrations in the areas that really bug you about dysfunction toxicity and your relationship interactions I guarantee you that a rejection mindset is in there somewhere and we're gonna talk about how these patterns that keep happening over and over again can be a sign that it's time to heal a rejection root in your life hello everyone I'm mark DeJesus here with my wife Melissa welcome to transformed you if you've been enjoying our content please subscribe to us on youtube check out my website at mark Descamps this show is also supported by those who are generously donating to the work you can do a one-time donation or you can consider become a transformational tribe partner in doing that you get access to some partner only materials and ways that you can be blessed in your transformational journey also we love to recommend audible all our books are available on audio and you can take advantage of those for your transformational journeys so we get into the subject of rejection right and I feel like in the years and years and years of working with my own relationship patterns and and doing a lot of work in helping people helping groups in different settings I don't feel like relationships stand a chance when a rejection root is having an influence the problem is rejection influences most of our relational patterns and if people find themselves saying why is it that the data keeps happening hmmm I think it's time to look at where is rejection having a root in my mindset in the way that I approach relationships yeah in the relationships I draw in in the relationships I move towards it it really I find if you look at this and look at this honestly it can do a complete renovation but it takes some sobriety take some some honest assessment yeah I think you know what to when you can see it and start to go oh that person when I interact with them has these kinds of patterns and then you can look at yours like it kind of takes a two-fold approach of like watching how other people react and then going wait do I do that understanding it can be confusing I think for some people so if you can like I feel like a two-fold approach of understanding the people you're interacting with getting up you know a better idea of where they're like yucky junk is pinging with your yucky junk you can kind of look at both both people in the relationship it helps don't you think totally I think it really helps and I think that one of the things I notice is that rejection steals your self-awareness ability so so you don't know how you come across you don't realize how you're taking in the filter your perceptions are all seen as fact true and accurate so you don't stop and go wait a second the way that I'm seeing that person is this really accurate is this really healthy is this the way that I should be right which that's where I think it can help when maybe even you're talking with somebody that understands rejection and you can say okay look at that person do you see how they do this this and that do you see that in yourself because I think it helps when you can see it outside yourself sometimes and then you go oh I do that right because it's a hard once I'm like you're saying it's hard to self identify it sometimes like you could be in total denial because you're like no how I feel is right this is how I see it this is how I feel your name yeah and and that's why in Chapter three of exposing the rejection mindset I talked about a lot of different examples that that people seem to manifest when it comes to you know rejection root issues because it spawns everywhere right and it causes me to have a lens when I approach relationships and I think that it takes it takes first of all a sense of like okay I've got some goofy patterns yeah so for me I can admit that we do right so for me it came up in relationships even in dating relationships where it's like wow okay you go around the mountain a few times and then you kind of go oh it's the problem is not everyone else because typically in relationships when you run into problems the first response is there something wrong with that person they don't listen to me they ignore me they're rude to me they don't do this they're toxic they they and and and and you you know you typically have the same themes that go on right and so sometimes the response from people and I have to help them walk through this is when we talk about a rejection route in their relationships they take it as though I'm doing something wrong that's why these things are happening right so it's like becomes a self accusing thing right so like people like a lot like certain people have like patterns where people are abusive towards them and it keeps happening he was happening keeps happening patterns where people don't listen patterns where people twist your communication all the time right and so when you bring out rejection do they they hear it because it messes up our hearing and what we're hearing they take it as blame I did something wrong to like maybe deserve this and it's like know what you need to realize is the enemy takes your patterns of hurt he'll take one you know usually going back to childhood he takes the ones that have been running in your family takes the ones that erupt in your childhood and now he wants to keep that going and building so that he builds a case in court right in the courts of heaven so to speak to it like keep accusing you and keep drawing these situations to where you out to get you to come into agreement with rejection so it's recognizing what's following you and being aware of the internal agreements that keep you aligned with that yeah and it helps to understand when other people are operating in it so then you can then know how to deal with it because once someone else rejection pings off and you of it like bye-bye everybody in the scenario like we're and really that's the goal of rejection is to keep everybody out of healthy relationships you know so let's walk through some of the things that are traits when it comes to rejection in relationships like things that manifest yeah and I think that if we can just be self aware that I I noticed early on as I as the light bulb came on because you'll have a light bulb experience it's like taking the pill in the matrix it's like once you once you see it you can't go back cause you'll see now how the world operates we're like the first level I mentioned is you just don't have a self awareness so it's like this it's like the guy who just keeps over talking and won't stop talking and everyone in the room goes man every time he just won't stop talking he just hijacks the conversation he's not aware of it right it's kind of like a good example is like Michael from the office when Jim would look at the camera and be like correct he just is so self unaware yeah Michael from the office is a great example of right of of rejection in work in so many forms like like the birthday episode when it was his birthday and he couldn't you know this is a good example of neediness we're like he can't get it out of his head that it's my birthday and I want everyone to recognize my birthday and and and Kevin is going through being diagonally to being diagnosed with skin cancer and Michael's mad because that trial that he is taking the attention away so that's another rejection issue is like you have a neediness that when it's drawn to someone else like you can't handle it you get mad yeah because really you want the attention on yourself and grant so I think that it takes like honest feedback of like yeah I'm starting to I'm starting to realize this and and even hearing from somebody else that's like yeah you you know why don't you lay back a little bit the problem is is that what if anyone brings up something connected to your rejection issue get ready for Ankur to kick up right so like I would I would I would venture into this with people I'm like alright god I'm gonna take the jump and this could either go really bad or we're about to have major breakthrough because it would happen over and over again in our in our in our pastoring work yeah and it's like it would all come to a head and I'm like alright and like one one two phrase that I would say because there was there was some people who would like excessively look for attention in different ways yes yeah and I would say this way I would say you know you I want you know you're so loved you're so accepted valid it is a safe place nice after time this wasn't like first me I you have to earn the rises years right I just want to encourage you you don't have to try so hard mm-hmm that's that's that's what I would alright because what would happen is the neediness would cause them to over talk over over attention and it would wear on people and then people would be weird like avoid withdraw so therefore needs that even more so therefore they would reject the person which then feeds their history keeps them stuck so I was like I try to look at positive ways to reinforce you know this issue rather than you know because you don't want to make people feel shame but sometimes it's very difficult to avoid it yeah so it's like you have to try so hard and I could see the anger rising up and I'm like just hang in there just hang in there you're loved you're loved and some people would break through it's like you could see something lift off and they're like yeah cuz they realize I'm worn out and frustrated I'm exhausted and then others would go he doesn't love me and they would listen to rejection because that what rejection says rejection wants to be rejected and it wants to convince you of a case that person doesn't love you and it wants to because if the enemy can do that get you in a case where that person doesn't love me I now lock them out and over the years you lock more more people out more more people out then you're isolated and in the isolation you're now opened up for losing your mental health your opened up to to darkness your open up to the dangers of emotional isolation yeah well rejection is such a twisted thing because it's an insatiable need to want to feel it pings that your wounds of wanting to feel loved safe be seen be heard and but what you're doing it's you want it so bad but yet it's doing the opposite it's it's such a nasty twisty yeah right because the end goal is that you be rejected that you just convinced yourself I'm rejected I'm not loved right and at first it just uses little references and it just causes you to look for that it's interesting how people can walk into a room and oh and and there could be you know 97 people that love you of the hundred people and you just remember the three people right now isn't it interesting how like I remember like it might when I would lead worship we would have these amazing moments or God's presence would be with us and and I'd be tuned into the two people with their arms folded right instead of just being like this is great and most of the people are loving it and beings cuz it really goes to the core of you being totally secure in who you are that's the ultimate goal that's it but we're not no yeah so I I started to notice this in my life and for me I felt like when the light bulb came on I said it's everywhere and I feel like if you can start with that where you can go rejection is everywhere and that's that's where you kind of exhort a lot of people right I say that I'm like listen when you're gonna tackle this thing you have to you have to know that it's in every pattern of everything you do throughout the day you have to you have to re-examine and I've used this extreme example like how you get up and set your day and get the paper and get your coffee and where you go to have security in what feels good like you have to look at the whole tapestry of your so true so true it's in everything once it's there it's there I found that when I when I got that it's not like to overwhelm you with darkness right but it's just to help you to realize no I want God's love to invade all these areas that's the goal of uprooting rejection there is no separation I'm loved he's here he's with me he loves me and I can trust I can let my guard down and if and if and if I get hurt I can rebound with God and get back into the game I have tools now to walk this out I don't have to be a victim now of what people do to me but then I began to realize in my now this goes way back in my early pastoral work this goes back to like youth ministry days music production ministry days and worship is I noticed there were certain people that when you would sit down and talk with them I would just know this is my heart my heart is oh we can solve this if we just sit down and talk right and any pastor that's watching this is chuckling right now because they're like yeah that doesn't that doesn't solve everything but I had a sense of like it if you'd if you just understood me then we'll be fine and I realized that then the more I talked the worse it got and then the more amplified it got and then it would start triggering stuff in me we're like I'm losing my centeredness right you're like I need to email them and over-explain I need to call them and say did you understand what I meant like so that you're ultimately at the end of the book the goal is to then go oh I'm at peace with how this person feels with me right so then it would bring up then it would bring up my rejection issues of I don't like that we're not good right and and and and so which would lead me into I feel like I got to do something to solve this when a lot of times you just gotta just like like don't panic just let it sit the worst thing in that is to be okay to do nothing right right totally and so so going back to what I was sharing is that I would you would end up with three hour meetings that went nowhere nowhere like seriously - and a lot of pastors talk about this and and and you know I say pastors cuz that's my history many of you you know you could be in business executive board meetings it's it's everywhere you sit down yeah you've got the high maintenance person right if you name any high maintenance person in your business it's all rejection its rejection rooted stuff so I found that I felt once I saw this I'm like no I'm not doing these exhausting conversations like when I feel it goes nowhere it's like we've got to let God bring some healing everything in the most perfect way you could validate somebody you could if they even receive any of it it's momentary and you're just spinning out like you're never going to say when you're dealing I'll take it from the standpoint of dealing with someone with rejection you never going to say it right there never it's never going to land properly right and then you have the land of the twisties right which is okay so in general when you're having conversation with people you just need to know this about yourself are you ready you don't hear what's being said you hear a filter of it even if you're healthy you hear a filter of it because if you understand your brain your brain can only compute so much so all day long it's like for example when you get in your car and you're driving your brain doesn't go right foot hit pedal you know turn wheel your brain doesn't go head down this road unless you have no idea where you're going then your GPS or whatever you typically you're an autopilot when you're driving you're an autopilot actually driving the car and you're thinking about something else and you're kind of your brains constantly like filtering down to you what we call a focus what you focus on when you're listening to somebody talk it's hitting your filter what they're saying is hitting your filter so you're filtering in how you what you think they mean by it now that filters based on your how many years of history you've been living and you're picking up on certain signals like am i safe with this person my not what do they mean by this you're tuning out some stuff they're saying like you ever talk to somebody and there's like lights are on because nobody's home they're not really paying attention well because I think the stuff that you just said is more subconscious what's at the forefront is people are already thinking about what they're not hearing what you're saying they're thinking about their position in it their stand on it and what they want to say to you so that's the biggest that's the biggest forefront so yeah so I went down to the bottom came up to the surface that's what's in the front it's like we're we're really not listening you know the Bible says be quick to listen slow to speak slow to wrath we're we're we're quick to get teed off we're quick to talk we're so slow to listen right we would like our narrative out and that's it right cuz rejection says I need to be heard right and that's what we live in in the culture right now is the culture of the need to be heard and we have all these avenues now we're like 20 years ago if I was mad I would just tell you and I guess that's it right I'll call a few friends now it's like Facebook coming in Instagram I can't we put a passive-aggressive I can write a blog I can podcast about this I can do that I can make a video I could do all these things now that we can go into where the right to be heard I must be heard so now a rejections doing is it's in flaming the wound and it's it's it's it's encouraging if you're offended you have the right to be offended and you have the right to communicate this and it's like wow we're losing our ability to reason so going back to the twisties so we're in this whole thing where we're not really hearing what's being said so therefore we respond and talk out of what you said we already have something we want to say we're not really listening and understanding the other person so then they hear our twisted hip back and then they're responding to that so now we're having relationship dodgeball where we're just like throwing stuff at each other and and then it gets to the point where you don't even really know where you're going this is classic and Mary Mary's right right I mean how many times have we gone through this where it's like you know then you start to feel insane then crazies come and everyone's spun out right that's right news right and I feel like veal I feel like the only way that you and I have been able to break through this it's like we got to work on our own rejection issues right you have certain nerves that get hit and I have certain nerves that get hit yeah we have to be aware of them personally but also be aware of them relationally so when we talk like oh I'm hitting that I'm hitting that wound okay let me backpedal I'm sorry um this is what I meant right this is my heart and that's really how maybe we can talk about how to defeat this rejection issue in relationships and then we can kind of go more into more examples so that makes it yeah let's do that okay so I learned this when some really challenging relationships I was working through and I was in the midst of really uncovering rejection in my own life I'm like God how does this work and I was brought to the passage of Scripture where Peter James they both talked about it humble yourself under the mighty hand of God and he'll lift you up resist the devil and he will flee and I just saw this picture of sometimes we try to resist the enemy and we we don't humble ourselves right there's certain relationship problems that only get healed through humility not in being right not in winning the argument not and even like being understood and that's the problem we have culturally is we want to be right and we want to be heard that dominates the narrative so no healing happens right and so I said alright god I gotta let down I gotta let down my my need to like explain win this I just humble myself so if I talk to them again it's like my my a munitions down and I found in like one particular interaction the posture of humility one the relationship now did all the little details of all the things get resolved not necessarily but I learned to like as the proverb writer says I forget the actual wording but it is it's the glory you think it's a glory of a man to overlook an offense right in other words like it's empowering to go I'm not gonna hang on to that right because really it's kind of like in a way how we relate forgiveness it's not about the other person it's about you because even if you start to recognize rejection in your own life it really doesn't mean the other person's gonna stop doing it and so that's gosh at the end of the day that's kind of it can feel the feeding a little bit because now everybody's gonna recognize and you're you're not gonna have like amazing interactions with everybody all of a sudden once you recognize this but the the end goal of it is you then walking away keeping your peace and not going insane and not being spun out and this stuff right because it's it's once you start seeing it you go okay wow I see it everywhere and it you can be get a little disheartened because it's like man everybody's a mess Ryan McKay yeah because you can you get discouraged everyone's such a hot mess right there a hot mess and they're not realizing they're a hot mess and they're blaming it on you shutting you out and it's like man we could have had something great right right so I just want to you know I think I think that we have we live in a culture that is highly offended okay let's write let's just kind of back off from like the news culture and all that because that's you know it's really intense they're just in a local like church body local level interaction Emily's family we're so highly used the word triggered so easily set off easily offended that we don't we don't take time to realize wow I need to deal with this why do I keep getting hit in this area in a way that's destroying my relationships yeah you know and so we write people off and then it's like that's it that person's the devil that person you know yeah yeah I my heart can go into so many different directions when it comes to this topic because the end of the day I feel like it's just hitting as you're talking anyways let me rewind my sentence there for a second it's making me think about just even as a child and walking into a room and I have my dad and I have actually talked about this when I was a teenager I tried out for cheerleading and I didn't practice because I was wreck and obsessiveness and all kinds of stuff so when I went to to tryout I did not I froze and I didn't do good so I came home humiliated embarrassed so so heartbroken about myself and like what is wrong with me why okay so I come home and my dad is in the backyard and he's I'll never forget I can see it like it just happened he's at the back picnic table and he's doing like he's cutting something he's cutting wood he's doing something on the on the back table and he's not looking at me and I came in the backyard and I needed him to talk I needed him to say hey what's wrong to turn to me and look at me in a fir me and let me talk out my pain and he didn't he just what's going on so because I might need to like wanna get affirmed in it or be told something I tell him what happened and he never looked up at me oh that's too bad and he just kept doing his woodwork stuff and that fed in me a need of know like of needing love of needing affirmation and you didn't know in the moment you know you don't realize in the moment this is what I need this what I'm not getting what you do in the moment is you just cope and survive right so that's why which then developed yeah so god that's why it's important for people to mature you need a healthy look back in your history Christians have historically been bad at this we don't we just want to shove it down you know tender to the blood don't wanna think about it's like no this is helpful to look back because you didn't have the ability to know in the moment how this affected you right so that pattern of wanting to be loved and Express a weak vulnerable hardship now you have a pattern that follows you yes because it built something in my brain that brain connection was not made as a teenager of like oh the man in your life that you look to you're not safe you're not loved you're not valued enough to be looked at so that need built inside of me to get that from people when I interacted with them and I would just like awkwardly stay in conversations to try to feel better and if someone gave me somewhat of something like like a dog panting like do you want to be my friend do you wanna be my friend like oh you know that thing grew and grew and grew and like you're saying it's good to look back and stand and recognize where this thing came from because ultimately rejection is highlighting your deep need to want to be affirmed loved feel safe and just okay with yourself right it's really good it's very very good and if we can recognize this it's gonna improve our marriages gonna improve our relationships to realize okay God how can I learn what's what's the what's the the narrative theme that I keep bumping into and and I and I tell people this a lot you can find it when you have problems in relationship what do you kind of go to do you avoid like any conflict right that's a big one you become a peace keeper versus a peacemaker right a peacemaker is somebody who engages and helps create peace a lot of people say well I'm a peace maker you're peace keeper right like don't don't rustling cowardly to be right right it's turned by fear and all that kind of stuff and and and and I think that that's what will help us all grow is when we all do self-reflection and self-awareness and go god heal this in me because even if let's say you're in you know people do this all the time you're in a church and you want to point to the people that bug you or seem to hurt you and all that kind of stuff it's like okay that may be true but do an inventory what what agreements do I have you know and this is really tough especially if you've been around abusive people it's it's important that if you've been around abusive people you don't create agreements that encourage that or cause you to go in a complete opposite direction of everybody's abusive right right because you can go one of two ways you kind of just get used to abuse and you would you drawn to abusive people and you kind of just tolerate it right that's one thing and then you're like woe is me God rescue me and it's a victim mentality and then there's another extreme where it's like that hurts like man I will shut off and you're never getting near me right and and and it's being aware of like which pendulum do you go on do you find yourself continuing the patterns or do you find yourself going into a whole other pattern that then shuts you off from the potential that God has for you because all our potential is relational it's not just like financial or successful or whatever people think it is it's all relational whether it's a calling whether it's your family all your breakthrough is relational if you can look at it that way then you can see all right here's where I can go and here's where I can improve it's in my relationship grid how do I and you start with what's the grid I have when I first approached a relationship it's it like am looking forward to get to know this person you know and and and and we'll see why we're great talking if not it's alright we typically do some answers person gonna like me I'm nervous and so and which is fine it's fine but it's like be aware of those things in a fruitful way so you work through them with God otherwise you're just gonna blame everybody else and then I've noticed a fascinating trend is that the pattern of woundedness from your childhood typically follows you and creates what I call the rejection setup I want explain it yeah so if you've been if you were ignore it as a kid you have like certain moments you can you talk about this a lot yeah yeah you enter situations and people just tend to ignore you and you tend because you're used to it it becomes a familiar pattern that you kind of lean into so ignored as a child growing up and you're now in a business meeting and there's a group of you there you'll lean towards the seat that's farthest away you'll kind of pass yourself in a way that doesn't invite people to ask what you think you won't you know sit in a way that's engaging right you'll kind of cower back have a more quiet posture it feeds no one wants to hear what I want to say you leave the meeting no one even asks you anything and you don't say it out loud it's just conscious subconscious Lee there's an agreement of people don't really care what I have to say right you know we noticed this a lot too there if there's a specific instance that it just came to my mind especially when we were pastoring and I said to you there was somebody that there was kind of like a ping with ping pong all the time and I said to you do you notice that you ignore that person and you didn't even realize it you had no and this is what we're talking about in understanding the rejection setup and I said to you you ignore that person you were like I do right and that's that's the thing there's a setup I was defensive at first I was like that's like I'm not ignoring them and you're like watch the next time you interact and sure enough the person came up and my body went like this and it's like something controlled my my posture like my body's turning right and I had to like I'm going to not give in because it's true we fall into patterns and the person who gets ignored we kind of just we feed it realize you're feeding it most of the time you do not real we don't realize it like that person you're avoiding or they make you feel awkward or like stop and go what is going on here and then at times were like when we would have meetings and the person that typically would never say anything would go hey what do you think and you'd hear them talking you'd go whoa that was good right you're like you need to talk more right because the devil knows because them because everybody right because then then let's go the opposite direction the person who has a rejection need to be heard and they respond to it by always over talking they're the ones who always ask the questions always always like they have no no regulator nests they have no self-awareness that they're even doing right yeah you know like when you when you write a golf cart they have like a they call it like a governor on it that like keeps the speed you know from going to they don't have one it's like that's broken in there a hint so they just keep going and going and and they need to sit back and listen because they're talking doesn't allow them to receipt right and and listen in great relationships the people have the best relationship are phenomenal listeners yeah and so in order that you know what it'll be a phenomenal listener you got to work on your filter and lurk and work on okay I'm not here to get all my neediness fulfilled I'm here to bless the relationship or to fill somebody else's neediness because I think I do that I we joke about this a lot like and we've celebrated where you go out to coffee with somebody and there's a moment of silence and you just sit through the silence yeah you want to challenge your rejection issues if you have to fill in that space and you have to over talk because you feel awkward like that's a good place to start but you are not comfortable enough in yourself to sit there in silence yeah you and I would do that a lot oh my gosh because we would sometimes talk with people that weren't very like engaging and they're wanting stuff from us they just want it right yes or in the silence you're like yeah so I hey I was able to bring this book the other day is and you walk away going why is my voice tired and Mike my chest is tired like my head hurts right and we were like yeah we're trying feel the need to fill this and try so hard and like felt like it was crazy we celebrated where we come home from people and we're like guess what there was silence and I didn't do anything right and yeah we would try to practice like Jedi level right like being okay with yourself it's like yeah yeah I practiced it and I didn't force myself to have to carry it I let let the relationship interaction just organically flow all right so I'm gonna throw a scenario I you okay so say you have a person you know like it's so bad okay they are just standing there either at events or wherever you are and they just want to talk to you like they are looking at you like just talk to me hey I have something to say to you they're like a little dog in heat like a puppy that's like hey hey hey hey can I talk to you and you see the rejection you're like do you feat how do you deal with that when you're dealing with somebody so like you're alright I'm starting to recognize this I see where I fed it how do you start to healthily deal with people who manifest that stuff I think well my pattern is not necessarily what I think everybody needs to do because historically I would just activate my wrap it up skills as quickly as moths right so then just kind of wrap it up and move on then I realized no I I need to you know as I began to experience heart healing realize this this is a broken person that just just wants to be heard so I would I would write because it's giving love with boundaries right so I would I would first I would first go do I really need to like rush on from this person to the next thing right so that that then dealt with my busy got to do my next thing yeah that's one of the things I like about living down here where we live now is that whenever there's an interaction like somebody comes over to and everybody loves Jesus down here sorry just doesn't the electrician does in your anyone does like pest control or they're coming to like fix something you know you're gonna have a minimum to 30 minutes of just talking yes they love to chat it up and they're Cilic yeah hey it takes as long as it takes everybody and then it that would rub against my kind of New England like okay yeah you were gonna be here at 1:00 it's 3 o'clock move on move on to the next thing we'll know it when they're here it's like a move on to the next thing go go go and now it's like no relationship interactions first so so maybe this is an opportunity to to bless someone and so to go back to your example it's like maybe this is an opportunity for me to just do I really need to rush to the next thing let me just take a moment and just shown attention and care it doesn't have to stand here for three hours right because a lot of the time and I just made me kind of laugh to myself like you start to almost have a panic attack get this tightness across your chest like I know if I can handle this person how do I get off how do I not right and really there's a call like you're saying there's a call to a higher level of relationship engagement it doesn't mean you have to be besties and hang out with these people but when we're getting down to the core of it to heal our lives we're in we need to help heal each other and that means you being safe and loving and kind it doesn't mean you're like like I said doesn't mean you're like hey let's go have a party together and let's hang out and let's do something every day that's not what I'm saying but there's an element of your presence in the body of Christ within your family within certain things where you can start to bring out and be a standard and example because we need them it has to start somewhere for then everybody else to look at and go oh wait a minute what do they have that I that I want and I need it goes back to when we when we always say yeah it goes back to when we we always said like if you know someone's story and you know what they and you know what they've been through it helps to explain why they talk and won't shut up it explains why they withdraw sit in the back row they don't say anything it explains why they are fabricated right and they have this personality that's just like fake and you're like man this isn't really that are exhausted by it right and you understand there's a story there or maybe you explain it it just seems like they're just always so angry all the time they're like we're it or they're disconnected to their feelings there's a story and there's a history that built up to that they didn't just one day decide I'm gonna be this way there's like a whole process that led them to that point so then it leads you to relationship first I want to be compassionate how can I be compassionate in this moment it doesn't mean I need to be their best friend or take abuse or be put and it doesn't mean that we're not saying that it gives a license to that no but it can like you're saying back to the compassion understanding stories is everything so to summarize it okay the way you deal with rejection issues in relationship is you you have to first assess what's the level of intimacy we have is this is this is this a guy I just met in CVS that I'm talking to you know and his over talking and I have to I have to go is this somebody I see every week at church but I'm not really friends with it's a guy I work with or lady I work with is this a family member is this a best friend is this somebody I'm married to is this a leader I'm really okay so the level of intimacy determines the level of approaching it the the lower the level of intimacy it's like just for that moment it might be good to just pause acknowledge the person and do your best like I I try to extend my my moment with the person yeah just a little bit beyond my comfort zone like okay I feel like I I want to walk away from this this guy's talking about way too much let me just extend it a little bit further to stretch my patience and my grace yeah cuz it can be very very small right yeah so then but then if it's like if it's like a close relationship yeah you need to have that but then cultivating that love relationship where it's like shown you love and then as you move closer and closer the issues come to the surface let's talk about this and grow that's that's what I the pattern Jesus had like he knew Judas was a betrayer right he knew it right it's not like it's not like all of a sudden like Oh at the last minute Judas how'd you do this to me he knew it what did he do got closer and closer and goes hey let's have communion guys right closer because that's what covenant does so in those closer relationships in the tightness as you build relational credibility you earn the ability to in kindness speak like hey I feel like this is something that I've observed it's just just something and you find you find ways to speak about it that's empowering right it will it's an exception yes because then it's an invitation to the person are you gonna then join in covenant relationship with me or is this just gonna die out which then brings you to making boundaries in your life because really ultimately the biggest thing of dealing with rejection in your life is you really getting love for self it brings security it brings safety it bring um the security enough to look at somebody and say listen I love you and I want relationship with you but I can't have this be toxic how many of us wish we had that kind of security and power in our own voice in our life if I had that in my life which to me always brings me back to the most basic scripture but is the most powerful scripture make your yes yes and your no be no if I knew that and had the confidence in that my entire life my whole life would I had a completely different trajectory right completely different because it would be like yeah no I don't want to do that or yeah you know what I'm gonna do that and I'm gonna do what I have to do tonight because then it creates clarity and communication where we often live in like that yeah so we'll see and like you know I mean if you want me to go I guess I'll do it right and then your four-hour spun out your home your exhaust you have no time for your kids and you're like oh my gosh why couldn't I just get up and walk away so get a hold of the rejection mindset that's that's I think that's really the the the endgame application that we've been talking about in this series the good news is it's available in paperback in audio in Kindle and also have an e course a lot of groups and people are watching through it together answering the questions doing the prayers that are included and it really will do a number of healing in your relationships because instead of feeling like you have to point out everybody's issues like just think about try to go through it as a couple go through it as a family and and and work on me work on yourself and bring that to the discussion it'll really change how you guys do life together so um take the time to to invest in that resource again you can get it on audiobook and you can get by going to Mark de he's calm forward slash audible AUD ible you can use that it helps support the work that we're doing again consider becoming a tribe member that helps support this show you can also do a one-time donation as well but we thank you guys so much for taking the time to to list or to watch please take the time to subscribe on YouTube and get out our mailing list as well and you can do that by going to marked ASIS calm and really click anywhere because there's all kinds of places where you can even get a free ebook and be blessed in your journey so thanks so much thanks for having that discussion just being vulnerable and we pray that this will bless you in your life and your journey see you next time everyone thank you ever

Channel: Mark DeJesus

Views: 3,751

Rating: 4.9041915 out of 5

Keywords: Relationships, Rejection

Id: GTe1kmY-694

Length: 44min 53sec (2693 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 24 2019