r/StoriesAboutKevin - The most UNLUCKY man alive...

all right arena and cheese welcome to daily dose of reddit this is your host zach in today's subreddit stories about kevin okay so it's called hey why don't we promote the special kid i was messaged and told one story would not suffice this week evidently a few of us had great mondays myself included i thought my last story was going to be short though i thought the sage advice from my father echoes in my ear that thought thought he farted but he really spooped his pants thanks dad this story is about hawk hawk is hands down to this day the dumbest soldier i have ever had the pleasure of serving with he should have been swallowed how far before we reach that fallopian tubes it's gonna be a while we just passed the tonsils that there should have been hawk's life story but somehow this benevolent bastard clawed his way to adulthood hawk was in trouble all the time when he first arrived the growing pains of being a freshly minted private in the united states army these growing pains never stopped though the punishment did to a degree not because hawk adapted to the army life but because eventually you start to feel bad for punishing someone who is truly that oblivious to their errors his father was a hard-charging full bird colonel hawk was the complete opposite by the grace of god and power of grace go hawk eventually climbed his way to the prestigious rank of specialist we were are a country at war and the cracks for people to slip through had become a bit wider little did we know those cracks would transform into canyons and hawk was about to slip through another we were about three months into our iraq deployment when the announcement came i don't have the 5ws about said announcement but it came all soldiers eligible for the sergeant promotion board will go there are always soldiers eligible for the board but that does not mean you send them my oldest is eligible by law to drive my car so long as there is a willing adult with a death wish riding shotgun simply eligible does not mean it's a good freaking idea we received the news scratched our heads and then did everything in our power to prepare this humanoid for the sergeant promotion board the guy that had no shh poop which means it's true left his grenade bandolier in the porta potty so many times the local national iraqi who cleans them knows which outside door is closest to his room we were in deep with hock fast forward one month the day is upon us now i should mention one thing i was previously a radio telephone operator or an rto but had been promoted to sergeant as a result of my promotion i was also moved to a fire team leader position i just inherited hawke he was no longer a novelty i laughed at he was now my soldier i would be his sponsor for the board super non-army military folks the sergeant promotion board is basically a question and answer or q a each of the company first sergeants are present about five humanoids and the president of the board is the command sergeant major the sponsor typically walks into the board and describes why this soldier should be promoted and the command sergeant major typically reviews his counseling package good bad events or monthly reports now i had been to a sergeant promotion board but i have never sponsored anyone the rest of my teammates were out on an overnight mission but i needed guidance i went to my first sergeant he will be sitting on the board and i figure he would provide me sound advice my first sergeant is an ex-delta operator doing his diamond time before heading back his advice was simple be honest easy enough the board i am not even going in for promotion but i am nervous the other board candidates are going in and back out at a steady pace it is now game time the personnel finance clerk opened the door to the tent and instructed me to go in good to see you again sergeant-o-p how you doing doing well sergeant yourself can't complain now tell me why hawks should get promoted promoted command sergeant major now has a puzzled look on his face he shouldn't get promoted now he's just plain angry then why in the flippity dude is he at my board i was told all eligible specialists had to be boarded his eyes tell me that command sergeant major remembers the all part tell me about hawk well i've only been his team leader for the stoic prick says briefly tell me about hawk picture a room with no windows and only one door now in angry screaming brick stop this better be good it's better lead somewhere sergeant-o-p let him finish sergeant major this could be good i think picture a room with no windows and only one door i could put hawk in that room with one cat and one dog i would give him very explicit instructions hawk i will be back in five minutes make sure the dog doesn't eat the cat sergeant major you could go back in that room 30 seconds later and there would be no cat no dog a dead freaking elephant and hawk won't have a clue about how the frick it happened that is hawk sergeant major i was not prepared for the earth shattering scream send hawk in and get the fornication under consent of the king out of my board typically the sponsor stays in the board during the entire ordeal i would not experience that luxury i was john wick and excommunicato i returned to my room and just sat on my bed just replaying the entire event and wondering if i would be in trouble i know how my sponsor acted in the board and i know he didn't get kicked out the minutes continued to pass and hawk was not back yet maybe the board was going well then first sergeant walked in opie nickname that was the funniest crap i have ever heard in my life we were all laughing hysterically really i didn't get that impression you have to be professional opie nickname after you left command sergeant major had tears in his eyes how did hawk tell you it went what i am now a bit irritated with hawk i thought he was still in there at least until i seen you i told him to report to me immediately after the board i don't know where the hell he is how'd he do [Laughter] hawk walked in saluted and did well with the drilling ceremony marching then came the questions i was the first to ask the questions he had the answers to my questions huck what is the maximum effective range point target of your assigned m203 grenade launcher with a high explosive dual purpose hedp nothing he was just staring at me i repeat the question you know what that lover said it's his weapon system that i can only imagine he said i'm sorry for sergeant i was not paying attention no i'm sorry can you can you repeat the question [Laughter] i was not paying attention i have no words there are thoughts in my head but my my brain refuses to communicate with my mouth hole he was kicked out immediately afterwards he was only in the board for a couple of minutes suppose you should go find him first sergeant leaves and i continue to sit on my bed i ponder where i should begin to look the base was extremely small but we're talking about hawk here that happy-go-lucky that happy-go-lucky intellectually disabled individual could very well be the greatest hide-and-seek champion of the world it sounds like something he'd do unintentionally i start with the barracks no look it has been lunchtime throughout this entire ordeal i checked the chow hall he was not there either the only two places i could think to check next were the internet cafe and the phone center again no luck i then went building by building until i was approached by the recon medic hey opie nickname you in blank company yeah you have a guy in the aid station for what he got bitten by a dog i go to the aid station hawk is just finishing up the physician assistant is telling him just make sure you're careful with the stitches and keep the wound clean what the fire truck hawk meet me in the team room when you're finished i return to the team room and wait patiently for hawk then i continue to wait he comes strolling into the team room with a to-go plate from the chow hall he didn't come straight back this asshat went to the chow hall first meanwhile my stomach is growling and now the short bus window licker is sitting beside me how did the board go i think it went well just freaking baffled really i thought you got kicked out with a goofy freaking smirk oh yeah i just sit there head in hand staring at the ground so when i get promoted sergeant you got kicked out of the board that is a pretty surefire way to not get promoted should we ask sergeant major no freaking no don't ask anyone just sit there and feed your face also why the hell were you in the aid station i got bit by a dog how after i left the board i cannot describe the level of anger and frustration but hawk is dumb i just want answers hawk i understand you got bit by a dog how did this transpire please describe in great detail how this happened after the board i went to the chow hall for lunch i took my scraps to the front gate where the dogs hang out and i was trying to feed them then one bit me i think it was just really hungry utter shock just plain freaking shock this is your second lunch you're eating lunch number two are you serious hawk freaking serious i was hungry after i got bit sergeant sargent yes hawk am i going to the board next month if you ever met this kid just remember what mark twain said never argue with an idiot they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience hawk is that idiot cheers that was a good one okay i really really like this story you know what screw it plus ultra imma say it plus ultra right here god damn this is a good story um i don't really have much to say other than that there is yet another hawk story that uh this user his name it what is it ah user sloppy ice cream yeah he has another hawk story however that hawk story is very very long and it would make for a very long video so if this video get let's throw a crazy number out there if this video can get 15 likes i know a little bit of wishful thinking there if this can get 15 likes then i'll read it but then if we reach 15 likes and i don't think it's enough then the next the next highest thing in a thousand there fifteen or a thousand depends on the mood all right now let's bring it on back to stories about kevin with kevin screwed himself over this particular kevin is more of an irate booty hole who tends to run off at the mouth he's also one i'm stuck working with you see kevin is one of those people who just complains and moans about just about everything for context he's a forklift driver and complains about having to do it despite the fact that he asked to do it kevin thinks everyone is also an idiot despite the fact that everything he says is straight up ignorant and stupid he also can't count to save his life either and gets irate when someone tells him his counts are way off anyway i've been working my current job for the last three months i naturally started as a temp and was getting along with pretty much everyone and was making a good impression on everyone around me about my third day was when i had my first run-in with kevin a fellow co-worker had moved a box of plastic to the end of the aisle and went to find a spot to put it away in kevin came barreling down the aisle on his forklift and ran into it he starts cursing and asking who the frick put it there all the while continually bashing into it with his forklift over and over i happened to be right there at that moment and was willing to move it out of the way if he'd stop bashing it with his forklift my other co-worker had come back and yanked it out of the way before kevin completely destroyed it kevin looks at me and screams at me and you just freaking stand there like it's my fault it's there to begin with and i should have risked getting hurt trying to move it while he's hitting it with a big ass forklift i just rolled my eyes and said whatever you say dude after that i made it a point to just avoid him all together i have little patience for stupidity or buttholes much less a stupid bottle i'm so sorry i'm immature unfortunately such a person tends to insert themselves into any given situation they see fit so if it came to pass that last week the company i worked for decided to promote me to full time and asked me to come in an hour early for orientation i did so and arrived about 10 minutes early kevin was at the door standing on the steps i walked past and opened the door to go inside kevin in his usual disgruntled manner asked what the frick i was doing mind you our company does temperature checks at the door due to the modelo pandemic just inside the door i turned around and explained calmly that i was told to be in at that time and i would hail somebody from inside for my temperature check before proceeding to my orientation kevin proceeded to go off on a tangent saying i don't freaking care who you are or why the hell you're here you ain't out here like the freaking rest of us god damn i'd finally had it but kept it as mild as i could alright alright calm the hell down jesus christ and back down the stairs someone came to the door shortly after and took kevin's temp and then mine i made it in on time and kept what happened to myself kevin however couldn't keep his mouth shut he was in the break room and was running off at the mouth about the incident and happened to do so in front of the hr lady doing my orientation kevin apparently told her i was trying to cut him in line mind you he was just standing like he was chilling and trying to bypass getting my temperature check so she questioned me about it because when she asked who it was kevin said some freaking top so she put two and two together i explained what had happened and what was said as she wanted verbatim what kevin said in my response i simply told her that given this wasn't the first time my response wasn't exactly cordial either i was just trying to get in on time and make sure that i got someone's attention so i could get to my orientation on time as i was told she was pretty understanding of my response and none too happy about kevin's stating it poorly represented a hospitable work environment especially on my first day as a full-timer i even told her that i wasn't going to make a big deal about it she said no need kevin did that himself this isn't the first time kevin has started something like this with somebody and specifically temps but since temps are usually disregarded on basic principle in regards to complaints against full-timers they kinda just get pushed to the side however i was now a full-time employee and it brought validity to all those former complaints individually both hr and my supervisor pulled kevin into their offices and ripped him a new one kevin has been giving me dirty looks for the last week like i snitched him out despite the fact that he couldn't keep his mouth shut at some point kevin walked by me and whispered snatch i just turned around and said kevin i didn't say crap about what happened until they came up and asked me about it because you ran your mouth off about it you can blame me all you want but it's your mouth that got you into that mess a hundred percent so maybe now it might be the best time to shut it and turned and walked away kevin wisely keeps his mouth shut around me now but he's not exactly learning that lesson with everyone else because a bunch of people are making complaints about him being that way to them i don't see kevin staying there much longer so the lesson to be learned here don't be that idiot running off at the mouth and quit while you're ahead and don't be an idiotic booty hole if you're gonna be a butthole just be ironic about it or claim to be ironic about it like i do like i insult people all day and night and they think it's a joke it is it is see that that was what i'm talking about it was a joke like you know i like you if i'm constantly insulting you over stupid things like wow you're so bad at tying your shoes look at that knot you're so dumb go back to go back to the freaking womb you you fetus brain don't forget to like subscribe and hit that bell to never miss an episode

Channel: Daily Dose Of Reddit

Views: 7,554

Rating: 4.9666319 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% True stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, reddit funny, daily dose of reddit, daily dose of internet, daily dose of memes

Id: x9NF33JmwWA

Length: 18min 9sec (1089 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 14 2020