Ron Burgundy's EXCLUSIVE Stand-Up Comedy Debut On The Late Show

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FOLKS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW HIM AS THE FORMER ANCHOR OF SAN DIEGO'S AWARD-WINNING CHANNEL 4 NEWS TEAM, AND HE SPECIFICALLY ASKED ME TO MENTION THAT HE'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL. PLEASE WELCOME, PERFORMING STANDUP, RON BURGUNDY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) >> OH, MY GOSH! WOW! THANK YOU SO MUCH! WOW! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOW! WOW! WOW! HOLD ON HERE! HOLD ON! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU! WHAT A CROWD! WOW! PLEASE, I GOT TO GET TO THE JOKES, FOLKS. ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY WHEN THEY'RE SCREAMING TOO LONG, RIGHT? YEAH. ( LAUGHTER ) WHAT A CROWD! WOW! GIVE YOURSELF A LITTLE CREDIT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES, THAT'S MORE LIKE IT! GO AHEAD, RIDE THE WAVE! GO AHEAD! YEAH! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY, NOW START BOOING YOURSELVES. ( BOOING ) THERE YOU GO! COME ON! OH, A REAL BRONX CHEER! ANYWAY, HOW'S EVERYONE DOING TONIGHT? GOOD? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH? DO WE HAVE ANY PARTIERS HERE TONIGHT? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES! I ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT THAT MEANT WHEN SOMEONE WOULD SAY, HEY, DO YOU LINING TO PARTY? YOU MUST BE A PARTIER! LOOK OUT! TED LIKES TO PARTY! RIGHT? WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN? DO YOU LIKE TO THROW PARTIES? WHICH, IN A WAY IS A REALLY NICE COMPLIMENT, YOU KNOW? MEANS YOU CARE ABOUT PEOPLE AND YOU LIKE TO PLAN. ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S GOING REALLY GOOD. IT'S GOING REALLY GOOD. ( LAUGHTER ) HOWEVER, PEOPLE USUALLY COME OFF MORE AGGRESSIVELY. YOU KNOW, TONIGHT WE'RE GONNA PARTY! I WANT TO PARTY! WE ARE GOING OFF! ( LAUGHTER ) WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? ( LAUGHTER ) TO GO OFF? TO GO OFF WHERE? ( LAUGHTER ) TO GO OFF AND FIND A PRIVATE NOOK TO PLAN A PARTY? ( LAUGHTER ) TONIGHT WE ARE GOING OFF TO FIND A QUIET AREA AND PLAN AN ELEGANT SEND-OFF FOR MY COUSIN DENISE! ( LAUGHTER ) SHE WILL BE DELIGHTED BECAUSE OF THE CARE AND FORETHOUGHT! WHOA! ( LAUGHTER ) ANYWAY, THAT'S THE LINGO THESE DAYS. IN MY DAY, IT WAS A MUCH SIMPLER TIME. WE WOULD JUST SAY, HEY, I'M GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. AND BY "A GOOD TIME," IT JUST MEANT YOU GET DRUNK AND YOU FIGHT THE FIRST PERSON THAT LOOKS AT YOU SIDEWAYS. ( LAUGHTER ) MAN OR WOMAN. ( LAUGHTER ) REAL OR IMAGINED. ( LAUGHTER ) ANIMALS WERE NO EXCEPTION. ( LAUGHTER ) I FOUGHT A LOT OF PET BIRDS AND DOGS BACK IN THE DAY, AND I DON'T MIND TELLING YOU, MOST OF THE TIME, I CAME OUT ON THE LOSING END. BUT THAT'S WHAT WE CALLED "HAVING A GOOD TIME." NEW YORK CITY, THOUGH, IS -- IT'S A GREAT DRINKING TOWN. WHENEVER I COME HERE, I JUST WANT TO ORDER A COCKTAIL, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? HARVEY WALLBANGER. THAT'S A WEIRD NAME FOR A DRINK, RIGHT? A GUY NAMED HARVEY, USED TO BANG WALLS. BURGUNDY RIM SHOT! ( RIM SHOT ) ( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU. I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT. BECAUSE THAT WOULD LOOK TERRIBLE IF YOU WEREN'T READY TO DO THAT. SO THANK YOU. ( LAUGHTER ) RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU'VE HEARD OF A DRINK CALLED THE RUSTY NAIL. YES. OH, ALMOST EVERYONE. ( LAUGHTER ) A RUSTY NAIL IS SCOTCH AND DRAMBUY AND THE FIRST SIP TASTES LIKE YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S UNDERPANTS, BUT AFTER THE SECOND SIP YOU'RE ORDERING TWO MORE. NEXT THING, YOU'RE IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM GETTING A TETANUS SHOT BECAUSE YOU END UP SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE FOOT WITH A NAIL GUN. THAT'S A RUSTY NAIL. ( LAUGHTER ) NO JOKE, THOUGH, YOU SHOULD GET CAUGHT UP ON THOSE TETANUS SHOTS. WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON? WHAT ELSE? TRADE WARS, RIGHT? EVERYDAY ALL WE HEAR IS TRADE WAR, TRADE WAR WITH CHINA, TRADE WAR WITH MEXICO. WE EVEN HAD A TRADE WAR WITH CANADA. WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT? YEAH, BOO! I'M WITH YOU. I I H HATE CANADIANS. ( APPLAUSE ) NO, THANK YOU, IT'S REFRESHING TO SPEAK YOUR MIND WITH AN ANTI-CANADA AUDIENCE. ( LAUGHTER ) GOOD, GOOD, WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE. ( LAUGHTER ) TRADE WAR WITH CANADA, WE AREN'T GOING TO GIVE YOU ANY MORE CARS TILL YOU LOWER THE PRICE OF CANADIAN BACON? ( LAUGHTER ) TO HELL WITH THE TRADE WARS, I SAY TRADE PEACE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH! THANK YOU. THANK YOU. HEY, I GOT SOMETHING WE CAN TRADE -- HOW ABOUT WE TRADE A DOOBIE BACK AND FORTH AND FIGURE THIS WHOLE THING OUT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES, BECAUSE I'M GETTING SICK OF HEARING ABOUT IT. SPEAKING OF DOOBIES, DID YOU KNOW THAT MARIJUANA IS NOW LEAGUEL IN MOST STATES? THAT'S JUST CRAZY TO ME BECAUSE, BACK IN MY DAY, EVERYONE HAD A DEALER NAMED MARCUS OR JULIUS. ( LAUGHTER ) OR PACO. AND THEY WOULD MEET YOU IN LA VON'S PARKING LOT WITH A DIMEBAG OR A LITTLE PIECE OF TINFOIL WITH WEIRD SHAVINGS OR TREE BARK OR GOD KNOWS WHAT IT WAS AND YOU WERE HAPPY TO HAVE IT. ( LAUGHTER ) THESE GUYS BECAME A REAL PART OF YOUR LIFE. YOU INVITED THEM TO YOUR WEDDING. ( LAUGHTER ) THEY WENT ON VACATIONS WITH YOU. ( LAUGHTER ) PACO AND JULIUS WERE YOUR BEST FRIENDS UNTIL YOU COULDN'T PAY. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN THE KNIVES CAME OUT, AND IT WAS HARSH, BUT YOU FELT ALIVE! ( LAUGHTER ) NOW YOU JUST WALTZ IN AND BUY A BAG OF GUMMY BEARS AND TRIP BALLS, YOU KNOW? ( LAUGHTER ) WHERE'S THE DANGEROUS? WHERE'S THE ROMANCE? ( LAUGHTER ) I MISS PACO AND JULIUS. THEY'RE BOTH DEAD, BY THE WAY. ( LAUGHTER ) WHAT ELSE? ( LAUGHTER ) OH, YOU GUYS EXCITED ABOUT THE NEW "STAR WARS," HUH? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH? IS THERE A NEW "STAR WARS"? I HAVE NO IDEA. I JUST SAY THAT AND PEOPLE GO CRAZY BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF CHUMPS. CANADIAN HATING CHUMPS. BUT I LOVE NEW YORK. I REALLY DO. THE OTHER DAY I WENT TO ELLIS ISLAND TO TRACE MY FAMILY ROOTS AND I HAVE TO SAY IT WAS VERY EMOTIONAL. I LOOKED UP THE BURGUNDY FAMILY TO SEE WHERE WE HAD ORIGINALLY COME FROM, AND I WAS LOOKING AND LOOKING AND PORING OVER THE RECORDS AND, FINALLY, FINALLY I FOUND BURGUNDY. JOSIAH AND RHONDA BURGUNDY. COUNTRY OF ORIGIN, AND SOMEONE HAD DRAWN SOME INTRICATE MALE GENITALIA. ( LAUGHTER ) SO THAT WAS -- SO THAT WAS A BUMMER. THAT'S NOT SO MUCH A JOKE AS A CAUTIONARY TALE. ( LAUGHTER ) SO IF YOU GO TO ELLIS ISLAND, PEOPLE, BE PREPARED THERE'S SOME MEAN PEOPLE OUT THERE WITH A SHARPIE DRAWING PENISES WHERE IT SAYS COUNTRY OF ORIGIN. SO TRUE STORY. ( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S ONE I'M GOING TO LEAVE YOU WITH, TWO GUYS WALK INTO A BAR, A GAY GUY AND A STRAIGHT GUY. ( LAUGHTER ) THE GAY GUY SAYS TO THE BARTENDER, I'D LIKE TO ORDER A DRINK. THE BARTENDER IS A MEXICAN GUY AND HE SAYS, WHAT'LL YOU HAVE? MEANWHILE, DOWN THE BAR IS A CHINESE LADY. ( LAUGHTER ) JUST MINDING HER BUSINESS, BUT BEFORE ANYONE CAN ORDER, IN WALKS A BLACK GUY, AND HE WALKS RIGHT UP TO THE BAR ALL CALM AND COOL. NOW, THE STRAIGHT GUY TAKES A LOOK AT WHAT'S GOING ON AND HE TURNS TO THE TABLE BEHIND HIM, WHICH IS A TABLE FULL OF JEWS AND A CATHOLIC BRE PRIEST. NOW, IF YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO THE A RACIST JOKE, YOU HAD ANOTHER THING COMING. THIS IS NEW YORK CITY, FOLKS, AND WE'RE ALL HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME MY NAME IS RON BURGUNDY, I HOPE TO SEE YOU AT THE BAR! THANK YOU! >> Stephen: RON BURGUNDY, EVERYBODY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) RON, COME ON OVER! YEAH! THANK YOU SO MUCH! REALLY GREAT. REALLY FUNNY STUFF, RON. I'M A LONG-TIME FAN OF YOUR WORK, BUT HOW LONG HAS RON BURGUNDY BEEN DOING STAND-UP? >> HOW LONG? >> Stephen: YEAH, HOW LONG. ABOUT 20 MINUTES. HOW LONG WAS THAT SET? TWELVE? >> Stephen: YEAH. I REALLY ENJOY IT. >> Stephen: CLEARLY. I WRITE MY OWN MATERIAL. IT WAS ALL WRITTEN BY ME. >> Stephen: MY UNDERSTANDING IS YOU WERE ON TONIGHT, ON EVERY SINGLE LATE NIGHT SHOW IN ONE NIGHT. >> ALL IN ONE NIGHT. TONIGHT, AUGUST 8. ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YEAH. HOUSE OF YOUR SUMMER, BY THE WAY? >> WHICH IS A JOYOUS SUMMERTIME -- IT'S THE HAPPIEST DAY TO HAVE THE SUMMER. >> Stephen: EXACTLY. I HAVE ANY SUMMERTIME SCARF ON AND MY CASHMERE TURTLENECK. >> Stephen: IT'S SO IMPORTANT IN AUGUST TO KEEP THE THROAT WARM. >> OH, MY GOSH, AND I'VE HAD IT ON ALL DAY SO THIS IS WREAKING. ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU HAVE BEEN ON ALL THE SHOWS. >> YES. >> Stephen: ALL THE SHOWS TONIGHT SIMULTANEOUSLY. WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE? >> MY FAVORITE LATE NIGHT HOST, AND IT'S GOT TO BE CHRISTIANA NAPOR. SHE'S SO FUNNY AND VERY HIGHLY INTELLECTUAL. >> Stephen: SURE. BUT YOU'RE IN MY TOP FIVE, STEPHEN. REALLY APPRECIATE IT, YEAH. >> Stephen: SURE, SURE. SO SPEAKING OF HOSTS, EVERYBODY -- THE KING OF THE MOUNTAIN FOR ALL TIME IS JOHNNY CARSON. >> YES. >> Stephen: DID YOU KNOW JOHNNY AT ALL? DID YOU GO DRINKING WITH HIM? >> DID GUY DRINKING WITH JOHNNY CARSON? >> Stephen: YEAH. O JOHNNY CARSON FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW WAS THE HOST OF ""THE TONIGHT SHOW," 32 YEARS, AND HE USED TO HAVE A WELL-KNOWN POKER GAME AT HIS HOUSE I WAS SOMETIMES INVITED TO. >> Stephen: DRIVE UP TO SAN DIEGO. >> SACKEDO PAST CARLSBAD TO HIS HOUSE IN ENCINO. >> Stephen: SURE. AND I WOULD BE INVITED, AND THEY LIKED TO DRINK, THEY LIKED TO DRINK THERE. YOU NAME IT. YOU NEVER KNOW WHO YOU WOULD SIT NEXT TO. BURT REYNOLDS, JOEY BISHOP, MARTY FELD BEEN. PETE BARBOODI AND BROTHER DERK. >> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK? >> I WOULD LOVE ONE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DRINKING WASN'T ILLEGAL BACK IN THOSE DAYS. IN FACT, I REMEMBER ONE NIGHT IT WAS JUST JOHNNY AND I AND DEBBIE REYNOLDS, AMERICA'S SWEETHEART, AND IT WAS ABOUT 4:00 IN THE MORNING -- AND I'M TRAILING OFF NOW BECAUSE I REALIZE I CAN'T TELL THAT STORY. ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT'S AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU HERE. IT'S FASCINATING. >> IT IS FASCINATING. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A COMMERCIAL BREAK, YOU KNOW, FROM THE BUSINESS. >> I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN STICK AROUND. GO AHEAD, GO TO COMMERCIAL, AND IF I CAN STICK AROUND FOR THE SECOND SEGMENT, I WILL. IF NOT, IT WAS GREAT TALKING TO YOU. >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, GREAT. ( LAUGHTER ) SO WE'LL SEE YOU IN ABOUT THREE OR FOUR MINUTES. >> I HAVE A GOOD FEELING ABOUT IT. >> Stephen: YEAH. ALL RIGHT, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH POSSIBLY MORE RON BURGUNDY,
Info
Channel: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
Views: 934,194
Rating: 4.5037332 out of 5
Keywords: The Late Show, Late Show, Stephen Colbert, Steven Colbert, Colbert, celebrity, celeb, celebrities, late night, talk show, comedian, comedy, CBS, joke, jokes, funny, funny video, funny videos, humor, hollywood, famous
Id: kn-6yvCjVDQ
Channel Id: undefined
Length: 13min 42sec (822 seconds)
Published: Fri Aug 09 2019
Reddit Comments

Not enough folks are getting the bit. He's deliberately bombing and it's fantastic.

👍︎︎ 17 👤︎︎ u/GeeknDestr0y 📅︎︎ Aug 09 2019 🗫︎ replies

ITT a lot of people that don't understand anti-humor.

This is pretty good, but its hes no where near as good at being a bad comic as Tim Heidecker or Neil Hamburger.

Quick edit: Cant leave out Norm MacDonald the king of meta stand up.

👍︎︎ 22 👤︎︎ u/HDoomsday 📅︎︎ Aug 09 2019 🗫︎ replies

I'm a little tired of properties being constantly warmed over and served up again and again. Anchorman is 15 years old.

👍︎︎ 9 👤︎︎ u/jedrekk 📅︎︎ Aug 09 2019 🗫︎ replies

Unfortunately this just isn't good

👍︎︎ 11 👤︎︎ u/africakitten 📅︎︎ Aug 09 2019 🗫︎ replies

We're still doing this, Will?

Really?

👍︎︎ 4 👤︎︎ u/micahhorner 📅︎︎ Aug 09 2019 🗫︎ replies

AWESOME.

👍︎︎ 1 👤︎︎ u/YOUREABOT 📅︎︎ Aug 09 2019 🗫︎ replies

He was on Kimmel and Seth Myers last night too.

👍︎︎ 1 👤︎︎ u/mattevil8419 📅︎︎ Aug 09 2019 🗫︎ replies
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