Stand-up comedy: Aisling Bea. Not viewable in UK/Ireland. Apr 2015

you ready for your first act ladies and gentlemen please get up and show our laughter Ashley B [Applause] [Music] [Applause] oh I'm delighted hydrolyzed to be here only because I actually haven't been well recently but if you insist and I really haven't thought so that's why I'm delighted to get here today I was rushed to a near a well I've done all problems just hideous pains all up and down my tummy and around my sides and I was rushed to A&E and for about three hours I thought and anyone here who ever read a magazine as a teenager will know what I mean especially the girls I taught that I was about to have a surprise baby stories in the magazine yard well everything was normal nothing was different everything was rankeillor well then I went to the toilet and I looked in the toilet and there was a baby in the sole and that's when I thought it was but and you'll be happy to know that actually it was a I'm bringing sexy back I got infection infection but the worst part of the of the whole situation was that the doctor in A&E was really really handsome and I just I think doctors who were handsome should be struck off I really do I wanted someone with a sort of mashed potato head that I could feel at one with but instead this man was really handsome he said to me Oh what seems to be the problem and I was like well doctor my problem is is that I'm too cute I mean how could I tell him that I thought I was having a surprise baby or else I was waiting for a poo I mean you know and once we find out which one it is do you want to go for a drink but by the way you might notice that I talked quite fast and if I'm honest it's not really going to slow down too much you all have to sort of jump on the van Gogh bus of enthusiasm and beep the horn with this one I think that the reason I talk quite fast is because I was brought up in the countryside in the deepest darkest countryside where there was no one from miles and miles around just as giant expanse of land would know what to talk to and was very very lonely enough no one to speak to during the day I mean a very backwards existence lads like are our clothes are made of mud our hats were made of leaves we had no access to things like pot noodles we just had to sort of pour boiling water on top of bird's nests backwards existence and crows everywhere crows in the city there's pigeons everywhere but in the countryside there's crows everywhere and it makes everything you do seem really ominous you'd open the window and I'd be like seems a bit ominous you know you'd be standing innocently over a dead body in a field this solid seems the gurram honest and but the reason that I think I talk quite fast is because I'd have no one to talk to during the day and so some days the only person you'd have to talk to will be a passing car flying along the road so you have to learn to talk fast if you wanted to talk to anyone you'd be like hi how's the board oh my god come back it up to me you like my new dress stay be my friend somedays be waiting for a tractor to come along because you get more time out of a tractor you see you get to talk to them for longer you'd be like hi how's the cord you like Sesame Street I like Sesame Street oh you do like Sesame Street sometimes I think Big Bird might not be a big bird but he might just be a man in a suit I know it sounds bad but I have my suspicions good bye come back also we talked quite a lot and I don't really notice myself doing it the words come out and I don't sort of see them happening it's a symptom I like to call secret talkers which I based on the Channel 4 show secret eaters for those of you who haven't it's basically well someone comes along and goes oh what oh no what call it lose anyway all of the old days eat less and they put a camera on them then for a week and then they go to the mass words they go you know what it is now do you know every time you have lettuce you have a gateau Nina oh that's probably what yeah I actually suffer from a terrible disability which prevents me from doing any exercise which is where I can't and I can't be arsed I can't be honest I just kinda can't be and I would love to be arsed I would love to be one of those people who's naturally asked to do things but I just sort of can't be and I mean my disability affects me in so many ways my ability to clean the bottom of the ribbon bring my auntie's back at Christmas I would love to but I just sorta can't be ours too I mean I just don't like moving too much I would sort of rather sit on the couch and waste away than move I don't really like moving too much I don't even listen to sad music in case I'll be moved and I think the reason that I don't like exercise is because the school I went to didn't have much money so the sports facilities weren't great and so a lot of the sort of Sport and Exercise we used to do used to leave us really pregnant really pregnant well I did get tricked into going to Pilates class because I thought it was pronounced pilots 15 minutes I wonder why they're going to let us fly the planes my friend Broner suggested that I do something social like ping-pong table tennis ping pong - I mean I just the ball moves too fast I can never see it to me ping pong just looks like two perverts spanking a ghost I'd love to have like american-style confidence you know like a mirror are there any Americans in look at that I love the American style confidence Americans just have this confidence from the absolute gut of their culture they just backed themselves Americans took men and they sent them as far away as the moon in Ireland were like Jays lads it's a long long way to tipperary long way to go I mean I don't think we could make it there I don't think they could make it anywhere oh by the way I'm Irish the families in the mr. Perron somewhere to park the van but yes I was going to use it as a surprise reveal at the end I'll tell you now I am actually Irish but but yes it's the most confident American I ever did see was the rapper Kanye West not to be confused with a Nobel laureate Kanye West and he did he gave a couple of weeks ago where he was so confident that in the middle of his gig he stopped the song and said everybody stand up everybody stand up he said it in his own accent not in an Irish accent but he's like everybody stand up and he for refused to do the song until everybody stood up including two people in wheelchairs online and apparently he was so confident that even the two people in wheelchairs we're looking at each other going I mean maybe we should just give us a goal maybe what's been holding us back all this time has been a lack of confidence you know when I get a buzz out of sitting down [Music] I do I love sitting down I even tried to do this gig sitting down but they said they couldn't legally classify as a stand-up and well yes I really do love sitting down you know the way you always hear those stories and the tabloids about those men who were found sat down in a chair dead and alone and they hadn't been found for days and they were sat there covered in their own way oh no those stories never mentioned is the smile on that man's face but my mother my mother said to me she's like Ashley if you don't start to an exercise then you could end up becoming fat ten I said Jesus Mary and Joseph and all of his carpenter friends what is fat thin Aisling I read about it in a women's magazine a women's magazine the only targets of women's magazines or other women fat thin is where your PIN but you're secretly fast with your door to any exercise you can also be pinned fat fat fat tenpin too fat too thin thin in the wrong place pin in the right place fat in the wrong place back in the right place no matter what you do no matter what you try you are definitely wrong as if I don't have enough problems in my life trying to walk down the street at night and not get raped trying to live in a society where 25 year old women are stickin plastic and poison in their faces so but the time they get to the 40s and 50s they've nothing to do themselves but pull out their eyeballs and stick baby's eyeballs and instead the tragedies die young throughout popular stuff to make us live longer but nobody wants to do anything as a naturalist look older pompona stuff to make us live longer but look younger so by the time he died aged 100 in a box we look like we've died tragically young the way they weren't when they have to fill up telephones without plugs not consent a picture of a cache from one side of the world to the other side of the world and under a second and they are still trying to go put faster telephones it's still after two hundred thousand years of the humanity we have not come up with a better way to have a baby child than to push something the size of a bowling ball Oh I said go showed up your flu mother I didn't actually tell my mother to go and shove it up her Floop I agreed to go to a Zumba class gentlemen you've been absolutely lovely [Applause]

Channel: Ovid

Views: 1,339,121

Rating: 4.7354198 out of 5

Keywords: live at the apollo, Aisling Bea

Id: YLU6m1D_uWs

Length: 10min 59sec (659 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 10 2018