Wonder Woman 1984 - A Ridiculous Disaster

you know when you get proven rights about something but in retrospect you kind of wish you hadn't no me neither especially now that i've suffered through two and a half hours of wonder woman 1984 and come to the conclusion that this movie is just as bad as i predicted the warning signs were there right in the first trailer soaked in overplayed 1980s nostalgia and not much else it was enough to give me a bad feeling about the film's prospects see there it is then came the rumors of disastrous test screenings followed by hasty reshoots and if that wasn't bad enough we were hit by the unspecified virus of unknown origin that transformed our homes into our own personal prisons except that we had to guard ourselves and provide our own meals and more importantly we couldn't go to the movies anymore as the months dragged on and theaters remained shut warner brothers finally took the decision to [ __ ] this movie out onto hbo max like some kind of dirty secret they were reluctantly forced to admit to and believe me i can see why wonder woman 1984 is a cinematic disaster it's so bad that it almost makes justice league look [Music] good it's a long campy self-indulgent muddled confused and ultimately pointless mess that achieves absolutely nothing a movie that cost over 200 million dollars to make but somehow manages to look cheaper and more amateurish than your average comic book tv show in short it's pretty much the decomposing cherry on top of the [ __ ] covered chocolate cake that is 20 20. and when i think about it i suppose it's a fitting way to round out my movie reviews for the year anyway let's begin shall we the movie kicks off with a flashback to diana's childhood on thermiskira where the amazons spend their days preparing to one day get their asses kicked by steppenwolf anyway the elite warriors get to do a comically over complicated obstacle course to determine who's going to be the bestest amazon ever and for some reason diana's allowed to compete against them i'd like to point out that she's like 10 years old at this point the whole sequence is tedious and laughable and goes on forever which i guess is a pretty good microcosm of the movie as a whole anyway the point is that diana falls behind and takes a shortcut to regain the lead which provides an excuse for a really clunky lecture about the dangers of taking the shorter easier route to success i wonder if that might be relevant later flash forward to the year of our lord 1984 and diana has made a new life for herself in a cartoonish comically over the top version of washington dc anyway a gang of thieves go to their local mall and rob a jewelry store that turns out to be some kind of front for illegal antique dealing what but then diana shows up in her full wonder woman armor and foils their dastardly plot with a lazy fight scene that's not a patch on anything in the first movie seriously were these special effects done in the [ __ ] 80s too also didn't she basically disappear after world war one i thought that was the point of her character in batman vs superman that bruce had to put together the clues about her true identity now she's just stomping around in full costume foiling criminals saving innocent civilians and basically doing all the stuff she claimed not to have done later a hundred years ago i walked away from mankind from the century of horrors [Laughter] also i love how she still uses the name diana prince like nobody in the present day thinks to question how this woman hasn't aged a day in 30 years jesus even highlander was smart enough to come up with a solution for this [ __ ] anyway one of the items recovered from the thieves is this weird gemstone dildo thing which nobody can identify that's when this [ __ ] insufferable [ __ ] comes into play this is barbara but from now on i'm just gonna call her kirsten wigg because she's basically a female seth rogen at this point playing the exact same character in every movie that she's in in this case she's a goofy socially awkward dork that everyone overlooks because she's too shy and mousy to be fair if i worked in the same building as gal gadot i don't think i'd take much notice of kirsten wig either but kirsten wiggs certainly takes notice of diana who basically represents everything that she wishes she could be hmm i wonder if that'll become relevant later it's around this time that we meet the antagonist of the story this is max lord a flashy and relentlessly self-promoting oil tycoon that seems to have an interest in the dildo stone too anyway all is not as it seems with max his veneer of success and wealth is all just a sham his office is empty his oil wells are dry and his finances are non-existent he's nothing but a pretender trying to fake his way to success and now he's teetering on the brink of ruin if only there was some way to turn his fortunes around meanwhile kristen wiig discovers that the dildo stone is actually a dream stone which is supposed to grant one wish to whoever uses it so naturally she and diana end up using the dildo stone even though neither one of them believes in its power kirsten wig wishes to be like diana while diana wishes to be reunited with steve trevor remember him [Music] and wouldn't you know it they both get their wish kirsten wiggs suddenly becomes confident outgoing and attractive she can charm anyone and when she goes to the gym she finds that she can lift huge weights with no efforts diana on the other hand is at a party one night when a man approaches her claiming to be steve now this is kind of a weird one to explain so bear with me the best way to put this is to say that steve's consciousness is somehow downloaded into another man's body but we get to see him through diana's eyes so basically he looks exactly like chris pine the point is steve's alive again and diana begins to suspect that the dildo stone was responsible unfortunately before she can get her hands on it again max seduces kirsten wig and convinces her to give it to him why don't know i mean all he really needed was to hold it for a few seconds and a previous scene establishes that he knows where it's being kept already so why not just break into her office and take it nah who even cares so max takes the dildo stone and uses his wish to transfer its powers into himself which is basically the equivalent of wishing for infinite wishes you think there would be some kind of safeguard against this kind of thing but nope the dildo stone dissolves and its powers get transferred to him now he has the ability to grant the wish of anyone who touches him and in return he gets to take whatever he wants from them funnily enough overnight his oil company strikes gold his rivals get conveniently taken down and he soon rises to prominence as one of the most successful business tycoons in the world diana and steve realize he must have used the dildo stone as well so they traveled to egypt to intercept him by stealing a fighter jet that's on display at the smithsonian institutes because museums often keep military aircraft fully fueled and in perfect flying condition don't you know and somehow steve is able to fly the plane because he used to be a pilot so i guess flying world war one biplanes totally transfers over to modern day jet aircraft with computerized avionics [ __ ] off film but then diana remembers that radar is a thing while they're literally about to take off but it's okay because she also remembers that she has the power to make things invisible now oh god it's the invisible jets anyway they get to egypt and conveniently run into max by driving right past him randomly wow that was lucky a lesser movie would have had them piecing together clues about his location but now they just pass him on the road anyway finally there's an action scene of some kind but they fail to stop him then he escapes even worse diana gets injured in the crossfire what the [ __ ] something must be wrong with her it's almost like the stone took something from her to grant her wish no way meanwhile all is not well with max he's starting to lose his mind he becomes obsessed with granting more and more wishes as the stone takes hold of him and it slowly destroys his body but funnily enough granting hundreds of conflicting wishes has some pretty adverse side effects before too long the world's in complete chaos and poised on the brink of nuclear war i mean i'm pretty sure bruce almighty made the exact same point about trying to give everyone what they want but whatever clearly diana has to put a stop to this but she's in no shape to take on max and kirsten wig at the same time her powers have faded because the dildo stone takes something away from every person who uses it in kirsten wig's case it took away her humanity causing her to become increasingly violent and sadistic and in diana's case she lost her superpowers i mean to be honest her speed strength and durability seemed to swing all over the place from scene to scene but whatever so i think you can see where this is going the only way to undo this [ __ ] is to either destroy the stone or take back your wish which means losing steve again so it's goodbye chris pine hope you find a better franchise next time mates the stage is now set for the finale and what a finale it is max decides he wants to speak to the whole world at the same time and grant all of their wishes simultaneously so he takes control of a military satellite station and hijacks every tv on the planets because that's a thing you can totally do not to mention that the majority of the world's population don't even speak english and so wouldn't understand what the [ __ ] he's saying to them anyway never mind those are just details and details are for losers so diana realizes she can fly now even though she totally can't in the 21st century uh maybe she forgot her something and she arrives at the satellite station in time to stop max the problem is he's got himself a bodyguard now are you ready for this [Music] so the two women get into a literal cat fight which is genuinely one of the lamest fight scenes i've ever witnessed in a modern movie before diana electrocutes kirsten wiggin knocks her out then she tracks down max who stops her in her tracks by uh making it really windy i'd like to point out this is the same woman that can take a headbutt from [ __ ] superman anyway because she can't stop him physically she appeals to everyone around the world to renounce their wishes and put everything back to normal and somehow they do and that's it max realizes he was a bad boy so he runs away and kirsten wig goes back to normal and everyone lives happily ever after like none of this ever happens and that's it that's wonder woman 1984. what's a complete and total [ __ ] this movie is everything that was good or at least vaguely tolerable about the original has been completely obliterated here replaced by a hackneyed and overused premise nonsensical character motivations a plot desperately held together by a series of insane coincidences and terrible decisions unfunny attempts at humor powers and abilities that fluctuate depending on the needs of the moment and a completely wasted cast of talented actors the result is a bloated meandering self-indulgent and incoherent mess of a film that manages to waste just about everything that should be working in its favor for a start this movie is long almost two and a half hours long and by god do you feel every minute of it the original wasn't exactly sure either but there was enough intrigue drama action set pieces and fun character moments to stop it from dragon this movie has the opposite problem almost nothing significant happens in the first hour of the film it actually feels more like a romantic drama than a superhero flick just endless scenes of characters sitting around talking to each other or walking places or touring museums and offices and shopping malls honestly you could cut at least 30 minutes out of this film and lose absolutely nothing of value steve's reintroduction is also completely botched i mean this is a man coming back to life for the first time in 70 years emerging into a world he absolutely doesn't understand it should be fascinating to watch his first fumbling moments as he stumbles around in a strange body trying to wrap his head around what just happened to him instead he just kind of shows up in the middle of a party and starts talking to diana like nothing happens and it's implied that he's been back for a while by this point at the very least he had to travel across town from his host body's apartment to diana's place and from there to the smithsonian to interceptor the point being that he must have seen a fair bit of washington dc already but then the film tries to walk all of that back and have him act like a fish out of water amazed by everything he sees because i guess it's supposed to be funny to see a man from world war one trying to understand 1980s life you can't have it both ways i'm afraid and the scene where diana tries to dress him in 1980s clothes is just [ __ ] excruciating it goes on forever and it feels absolutely superfluous considering what's going on elsewhere that same scene worked in the original movie because of the clash between diana's warrior upbringing and the conservative male-dominated culture of first world war england's you knew she could absolutely force her will on anyone in the room but she plays along with it because she prefers to win their cooperation instead this time around i suspect the thinking didn't go much further than let's put stephen some dumb clothes because it makes my brain do a funny [Laughter] speaking of which steve is absolutely wasted in this film they obviously wanted to bring him back so that diana would be forced to sacrifice him near the end but the problem is that was basically all they had in mind and they had no idea what to do with them in between in the original movie steve and diana actually made a pretty good team they were both pursuing similar objectives by different means they each had their own agency and goals they were working towards which sometimes put them in opposition to each other and they had their own strengths and weaknesses that created an interesting character dynamic but here steve just gets dragged around like a piece of luggage aside from that one ridiculous scene with the fighter jet he has no unique skills or knowledge that can help them in any way and he just feels like a spare wheel when it's time for him to leave i didn't particularly care partly because he had nothing to do anyway and partly because the morality of this whole situation is pretty [ __ ] up when you think about it i mean what about the poor guy that steve's been wearing like a meat suit all this time this is an innocent man with a life friends family hopes and aspirations for the future you can't just snuff all that out because you want your dead boyfriend back and the fact that questions like this never enters diana's head makes me wonder what sort of person she really is the scene where she's forced to renounce her wish and say goodbye to steve is meant to be played as a heartbreaking sacrifice but all i could think was you had no [ __ ] right to do this in the first place on the subject of diana's character the idea of an immortal demigod suddenly having to deal with life as a regular human is actually pretty good and it's a natural if predictable solution to diana being overpowered as [ __ ] like imagine her trying to take on some street thugs and getting her ass kicked or trying to save innocent people and failing miserably because she doesn't have the tools anymore maybe those experiences could teach her humility or the importance of what she does or force her to be more resourceful and cautious or even help her to understand why people like kirsten wiig were so envious of her in the first place maybe it would cause her to question who she really is when she doesn't have all the strength and power she used to take for granted that could force a lot of interesting character development but instead the movie's like nah it'll be fine basically she's still stronger faster and more durable than any actual human could ever hope to be she can still use the lasso of truth and she even manages to pull entirely new abilities out of her arse like she can project force fields around objects to make them invisible when she was never able to do that before or after [ __ ] man she can even fly by the end of the movie where the [ __ ] is all of this coming from the point is that the script needed a compelling reason for her to sacrifice the love of her life again but it also wanted exciting set pieces where she gets to do lots of cool stuff so the end result is this weird undefined halfway house where you get the vague sense that she's more vulnerable than before but with no real understanding of her limitations and when you've got no idea of what your hero is capable of in any situation well it's kind of hard to care about what's happening to them the antagonists are another disaster in the making pedro pascal could turn in a great performance with the right material but he's been lumbered with an absolute dud of a character here max lord flicks constantly between manic hyperactive businessmen and sniveling frightened [ __ ] the moment he's put in danger i get that they were trying to make him more conflicted and nuanced than your usual comic book antagonist but the problem is that when he goes into world domination mode you at least have to make him look like he's capable of achieving it and despite the director's comments to the contrary i never really got a donald trump vibe from this guy if anything the script portrays him as pretty sympathetic he's a loving father from a poor background whose fear of failure desperation to prove himself and earn his son's respect ultimately leads him down a dark path he never does anything particularly malicious or evil preferring to let other people be the cause of their own undoing although it is kind of weird that he never suffers any repercussions for his actions at the ends i mean he almost destroyed the entire world i'm pretty sure he deserves some kind of punishment for that i guess kirsten wig is meant to represent the muscle in this equation someone who presents a more physical threat to diana and she does what she can to look menacing and angry which isn't all that much to be honest but their rivalry feels forced and contrived their fight scenes are boring and sterile and totally lacking in imagination and even gal gadot looks lost while it's going on the first movie made the most of gadot's limited acting range never demanding more than she could give but this time around the script really goes all in for the big emotional payoffs which means she needs to sell it hard to make it work and well i don't really think she has it in her the scene at the end where she has to make a heartfelt impassioned speech to the people of the world actually made me cringe because she looks awkward and embarrassed more than anything i mean i guess i should give the movie a tiny piece of credit for its central message about having to work hard and earn the things you want in life instead of just expecting them to be given to you imagine that eh but it's implemented in such a forced awkward ham-fisted way that i really can't say much more about it some of the character decisions are absolutely baffling as well like when max approaches the president of the united states in the middle of an international crisis and asks the man what he wants most in life and his answer is more nukes [ __ ] really like if you could have anything why not wish for a missile defense system or for the other side to have no nukes at all or for them to have no hostile intent towards america or for them to not even exist in the first place the point is he could have wished for literally dozens of things that would have radically improved his situation instead he chose the most bone-headed short-sighted wish possible in order to make the rest of the plot happen it's dumb and contrived and illogical and it basically sums up the entire writing process for this film i also get the distinct impression that this movie was butchered in the editing room obvious problems are introduced less than a minute before their contrived solutions characters are dropped in at completely inappropriate times with almost no setup and at one point diana and steve teleport from cairo to washington with no explanation for how they got there it's sloppy and rushed and it reinforces my belief that major reshoots were hastily worked into the script given all these problems it's hard to believe that this movie was made by the same people as the first film and it wasn't until i did some digging that i realized it wasn't the first movie was written by zack snyder alan heiberg and jason fuchs with patty jenkins doing direct in duty unfortunately the success of the first movie gave her the mistaken impression that she was a screenwriter and freed her up to take creative control of the sequel but the thing about creative control is that it can either unleash talent or in this case expose its absence patty jenkins is a good director and whatever is false the first wonder woman was a decent looking film but as this movie proves she absolutely doesn't know how to tell a coherent story considering the amount of time she's had to work on this we were all hoping for a triumphant sequel that would build on the unexpected success of its predecessor instead what we actually got was a long tedious confused melodrama that desperately reaches for big payoffs it didn't earn tries to push a message it doesn't really understand and squanders all the potential and goodwill generated by the first movie a film that was deliberately shot out onto hbo max to explain away the inevitable box office flop rather than face the unpleasant truth that it's just not very good and i want it to go on record that i [ __ ] called it anyway that's all i've got for today go away now

Channel: The Critical Drinker

Views: 3,281,615

Keywords: Patty Jenkins, review, Gal Gadot, Chris Pine, feminism, SJW, Diana Prince, Cheetah, Max Lord, Pedro Pascal

Id: PeieblTIw7A

Length: 21min 3sec (1263 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 28 2020