The Witcher: Blood Origin - Everything Wrong With Modern Media

wow 2022 really hasn't been a good year to be a Witcher fan not only has the Netflix show stumbled through two disastrous seasons of a story that it doesn't have a clue how to tell made by people who seem to actively hate the source material but the tail end of the year also brought the crushing news that Henry Cavill probably the only good thing in the entire production and apparently the only person on set who seemed to care about the lore had finally had enough and was quoting his role as Geral after the third season but hey I guess Christmas really is the time of Miracles and so on December the 25th we retreated to a four-part mini-series set a thousand years before the events of The Witcher an epic story of seven estranged Warriors who come together to fight an Unstoppable Empire bring humans and monsters to the world via the conjunction of the Spheres and create the very first version of a Witcher I know this because mini driver in her botoxed face told me this in literally the first five minutes of the first episode because truly there's nothing more telling than a Storyteller who literally summarizes their entire story before it even begins but let's get down to business dear viewer is The Witcher blood origin actually any Goods [Music] you serious no no it isn't what it is is [ __ ] A shockingly amateurish clumsily written horrendously acted ridiculously contrived insult to the work of Andre sapkowski infused with so much intersectional identity politics that you honestly could have convinced me the entire project was intended as some clever satire on Modern storytelling [ __ ] it is quite simply a disaster from the first teeth grittingly irritating scene to the Final calamitous Act and one of those rarest of projects that seems to have United fans and professional critics in their absolute contempt for its existence and since I'm still desperately trying to hold on to the last shreds of my Christmas cheer let's get this over with quickly so the story is set about a thousand years in the past before the arrival of humans in the worlds elves are the dominant species here although since they're not Immortal and have got no particular powers or abilities that are unique to them they're functionally identical to humans anyway so whatever anyway the world's divided between the three main Elven kingdoms that have been at war with each other for the past Thousand Years [ __ ] really a thousand years like how why how the hell could a medieval economy maintain a state of constant Warfare for a thousand years wouldn't they run out of supplies weapons resource people anyway the king of centria has brokered a peace deal between the three factions marrying his sister off to one of the other factions to seal the deal unfortunately he didn't count on her being a strong female character and so instead she stages a military coup that wipes out all of the royal families and promptly proclaims herself Empress of a new United Empire wait what so he convinced most of your senior generals and officers to prevent a treaty that would have brought peace to your world so that you could merge all the factions into one Empire and bring peace to your worlds not a great plan oh and apparently the commoners are really happy about this for some reason because they hate the royal families that led them into war and are totally willing to follow an empress insteads I think the writers really need to look up the word Empress in a dictionary because I don't think it means what they think it means also I love the fact that everyone who's in on the conspiracy very publicly walks out of the signing ceremony before it's been concluded and nobody thinks that this is even slightly unusual now I'm no expert but if you're at a high stakes negotiation with hostile factions that have been at War for 10 centuries and a number of senior Personnel suddenly start leaving the room without warning that seems like a very obvious red flag that something very bad is about to happen anyway the upshot here is that strong female character is now in charge of a unified empire although she's not really in charge because the Mastermind behind the plot was actually Lenny Henry laughs seriously is this dude just available for any [ __ ] fantasy series you fancy making these days now whatever Lenny Henry's an evil sorcerer who wants to use a bunch of ancient Terror things to open portals to other dimensions so that they can lead an army through and conquer them I'm not entirely sure why he thinks they'll be successful since they were barely able to take charge of their own world but who cares the point here is that help is at hand in the form of strong diverse female character who used to be one of the most powerful warriors in the world because you know of course she did but she's since turned her back on a war-like ways and become a traveling singer instead although [ __ ] knows why because 10 seconds of listening to her mango the Black Rose was enough to make me resent the very concept of music and I'm not kidding within about two minutes of her introduction she saved a young serving girl from a toxic white male crippled two of his mates with throwing knives got in a hearty Round of Applause from the ethnically diverse crowd and admiring looks from the young girl who wants to grow up just like her this is the kind of [ __ ] that happens when Rich liberal Californians that have never been in a fist fight or a working-class pub in their entire lives have to write a scene with both it feels a bit as believable and authentic as Steven Seagal's hairline anyway wouldn't you know it she ends up getting arrested later because it turns out the stabbing people and beating them unconscious doesn't go down too well with the local law although on that subject I love how this Village consists of about half a dozen mod huts with maybe 30 people and yet it seems to have taverns law enforcement and even a brothel does it also have a five-star hotel with Spa facilities this is the kind of stuff you would find in big towns with affluent populations not tiny little settlements at the ass end of nowhere anyway and that's when she runs into dumb white male character who got excelled from his clan for sleeping with strong female princess and ended up here insteads so they have a fight and of course she gets the better of him despite him being about twice her size but then he gets billed out of jail because apparently his father wants him to come home in time for the peace treaty well that was lucky talk about good timing how exactly did his father know where he was when he'd been exiled from his homeland and could have ended up literally anywhere how did he expect this Messenger to find him and bring him back across thousands of miles of Open Country in a matter of days don't know but before he can leave the island strong diverse female character escapes from her prison because this girl don't need no man and then she conveniently runs into her sister who also wants her to come home well do these people have like a Find My Phone app or something but anyway she gets killed by a group of Assassins who obligingly emerge from cover when it's time to take down strong diverse female character and then obligingly attack her one at a time so that she can fight them off again I think the writers need to look up the word assassin because I don't think it means what they think it means anyway wouldn't you know what she ends up joining forces with dumb white male character and together they seek out strong diverse female character number two because I guess we don't have enough of them already in this story and together these three stereotypes have to recruit a diverse team of Warriors to take on the might of the Empire defeat the bad guys and save the universe what's an absolute unmitigated Calamity of a show this is it's so bad that it almost makes The Witcher seem good by comparison every single aspect of it from the contrived story where everyone just runs into the exact person they need at the exact time to the hammy performances from actors who look embarrassed to be there the lazy fight scenes straight out of rings of power and dialogue that feels like it was written by a 12 year old that just discovered the word [ __ ] it's also crushingly weak rushed and dull then it genuinely makes me question who this show was even supposed to appeal to oh yeah modern audiences everything that was bad about The Witcher is 10 times worse here probably because there's no one even remotely competent keeping it on track remember how I complained before about how difficult it was to get a sense of the geography of this world because every location faction and race looks the same as every other so that you never have any visual or culture or Clues to help you tune in well it's good to see that they've learned absolutely really [ __ ] off from that the action Zips back and forth between huge fortified cities isolated island Villages and small Market towns with absolutely no sense of where they are or how they fit into a wider worlds and it's not like the casting helps much either tell me what exactly does a member of ravenclan look like are they white black Middle Eastern or Asian don't know because all of them show up at various times what exactly does your average citizen of zintreya sound like Scottish Irish English again no idea because instead of each faction and location having a distinct ethnic and cultural makeup what you get instead is a confusing mishmash of different actors from every possible ethnicity and region just kind of thrown in together it's exactly the kind of [ __ ] that they pulled in rings of power and it works just as well as you might imagine here and the thing is it didn't even have to be this way you could just as easily have decided that the centurions would have been played by white English actors the Christians would be Middle Eastern and the darwines would be black the then you could have all the diversity you could ever dream of but still give your audience something to help them understand what each faction is supposed to be but not the writers live in a diverse 21st century Metropolitan bubble and instead of taking a moment to consider how believable this would be in a medieval world without widespread immigration they naturally just assume that every time and place throughout history has always been this way don't question us just accept what we tell you and move on man I'd love to show this to a Pub full of Witcher fans in Poland it would be [ __ ] wild and it all looks so cheap and tacky as well from the sets to the costumes and the battle scenes whether it's dilapidated Villages or huge palaces everything looks like it was built about five minutes before shooting star AIDS there's no sense of this being a real lived-in world with a rich history character outfits are completely inappropriate for the locations they're using them and supposedly epic fight scenes look more like a couple of dozen not particularly enthusiastic extras swinging plastic swords at each other making a prequel that's come compelling and interest enough in its own right to bring audiences in is difficult enough even when it's based off a popular show but the problem is that The Witcher wasn't even that popular even with Henry Cavill in the lead role speaking in which I'm beginning to understand why the guy basically lost his mind trying to work with the absolute morons behind the scenes make no mistake blood origin is The Witcher show that they always wanted to write where they don't even have to pretend to care about the lore or the source material because there isn't any and they have total creative freedom to tell the story they want to tell a boring trite simplistic wish fulfillment story weighed down by tedious helpings of intersectional feminism and nonsensical diversity and inclusion quotas where the color of your skin what you've got between your legs and who you like to [ __ ] is more important than your actual character and personality it's not often I use the word woke to describe anything because like so many other words it's been overused to the point of redundancy these days but in this case I really can't think of anything more appropriate describe this absolute cancer of a show The Witcher blood origin is yet another woke disaster in a year that's practically been defined by them it's what happens when people with an ax to grind instead of a story to tell are put in charge of a massively popular IP built by far greater minds than their own and it's yet another reason why Henry Cavill is probably thanking his lucky stars that he was able to put This calamity behind him don't feel bad about it Henry you were far too good for them anyway that's all I've got for today go away now

Channel: The Critical Drinker

Views: 2,336,787

Keywords: Henry Cavill, critical drinker, review, funny, best, feminism, feminist, diversity, geralt

Id: O0qc-lm4VD0

Length: 11min 57sec (717 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 27 2022