Relationship Rupture and Repair Pattern of Destruction and Restoration BPD NPD

hi it's dr fox licensed psychologist and state of texas expert near personality disorders and in this video we're going to discuss two common and related issues that i call rupture and repair which also equates to what's called secondary thinking now each of these issues makes relationships more difficult and increases the probability of acting out behaviors towards yourself or someone else as always after we explore these issues i'll give you some tips on how to manage them and do them differently remember that change is possible when knowledge is empowerment you can totally do it right please like share and subscribe i do have a new channel please go and check it out and subscribe to that that would be great it is about creating options for yourself seeing things in a more optimistic and positive way and a way to do things differently for yourself so hopefully you'll check that out but let's get into rupture and repair and let's also see where that secondary thinking comes into play as well now rupture and repair is when you do or say something that ruptures the relationship and then you engage in behavior to repair it now this occurs in not just romantic relationships but with family co-workers friends even in public things like that i mean it happens right all relationships have ruptures in it ruptures are on a continuum everything's really everything's on a spectrum right some ruptures are major some ruptures are minor and what happens i think for some folks that are along the bpd spectrum is that they see every rupture as a major and what happens is that then that can kick off abandonment emptiness loneliness fear other types of issues that they have and that they're struggling with and when this happens that it makes it hard for them to repair because sometimes the people in their life in order to repair that rupture they have to be put on an aggravation installment plan which is that they have to be put through the paces and the pain enough before that other person will allow them to have a sense of forgiveness right and that is a really painful and difficult process to go through and what happens is that that sort of conditions them to see all ruptures as major all mistakes as major failures and that becomes immediately internalized and that person takes those ruptures internalizes them right particularly the bpd individuals and they really use that to engage in self-hate self-doubt fear and then they start spinning and they spin and they spin and they spin and they spin at so such a rapid rate that they fall or they engage in these maladaptive patterns to stop the spin but you can engage in adaptive behaviors to stop the spin as well so we're going to talk about that we're going to keep exploring that so that that's what that rupture and repair means now initially right when that rupture occurs this typically begins with the perception of or actual insult right that activates the fear of abandonment or harm or something else that activates your core content this could be abandonment loneliness worthlessness invisibility whatever it may be and it could be something really small it could even be something that you didn't do like it's not something that you willfully did to create a problem it's just that it is perceived this way by someone else they turn it and then they put it back on you as a failure on your part when that happens that that's that rupture right still a rupture in the relationship it's not about who created the rupture it's that the rupture is there now it's important though to recognize right to resist that urge to go through the paces of pain in order for that person to accept you now everybody's got different life circumstances everybody's got different issues and stuff going on and i totally understand that but it is important that you recognize and you empower yourself with choice do you need to go through these paces because i think that you you would be surprised to know that a lot of people will conform to your view now that doesn't mean that if you make a mistake that you shouldn't own it right that sometimes repair is appropriate sometimes we have to repair these relationships right that we've done something wrong part of it is owning that should you be penalized for it no right sometimes we do have to make up for it whatever that may be but you shouldn't have to suffer for it right is that you explain what you did i think that you if it's a heartfelt apology it's something that is sincere and then you don't do it again i don't think that you need to be put through the paces repetitively or severely in order for you then to be forgiven i think that's a very unhealthy and maladaptive relationship and i know that a lot of folks particularly those on the bpd spectrum do have folks in their life that do that to them and i think that that's where your choice comes into play that is this a choice for a relationship to continue do you want this relationship to continue is it healthy for it to continue and i can't answer that for you you know you can go to a mental health provider or a psychologist or somebody you know who can help you work through it i wouldn't talk to somebody who might be invested in that relationship one way or the other because obviously they're invested one way or the other so it's nice to have that objective party now let's just take a step back for a second let's talk about that rupture right now let's say that you did something to rupture the relationship you said something or something occurred or whatever it is and this activates this instance this instance right that whatever happens is activates this inner turmoil like anxiety agitation that drives second guessing which is the woulda shoulda coulda mighta kinda stuff that's at secondary thinking and a lot of folks fall into that not just those along the bpd spectrum is that something occurs and then afterwards you continually rehearse what happened but you rehearse it or you review it from a perspective of how did i mess this up that's not a balanced view that's a distorted view you're looking for your errors you're looking for your failure don't do that because if you look for it you're going to find it a lot of times ask yourself right that how did i feel immediately right after that occurrence that tends to be the honest and accurate perspective what happens is after over time that little voice in your head right starts to say you mess this up right and you did this wrong this is what you should have said this oh my god you look stupid oh my god you looked foolish oh my god you're a oh my god you're you're a gigolo my god you're this you're that and you're just getting bombarded internally bombarded and you're rehearsing it but what's happening is it's getting skewed towards the negative it's getting skewed towards self recrimination towards self-contempt because you're feeding that core content you're strengthening that bpd lens you are enhancing that negative concept of self so what i want you to do is if you're doing that second guessing if you're doing that rehearsing slow yourself down and say all right i'm going to put on my authentic view glasses and actually in my workbook there's a whole chapter on this about about how to use your authentic view and use your authentic view to see situations and to see yourself to see it realistically and you have to block out the that negative tendency for it to be skewed towards the negative that's not what you want you want it to be evenly balanced maybe you made a mistake okay own it right work on that repair maybe there was a rupture then you repair it if you didn't rupture anything you have nothing to repair but really look at your part in this and then look at the value of the relationship is that something that you want that second guessing is going to cause you to spin and spin and spin and spin and spin in spiral and spiral until you engage in maladaptive pattern which then can sometimes be something really bad right and we don't want that so what happens is right so you get that initial rupture right we'll take a few steps back and just kind of revisit and the reason why i'm going back to revisiting this concept is because it's important that that you hear what i'm saying this is a different way of perceiving situations perceiving others perceiving those situations and managing those situations don't let your bpd default behaviors and patterns determine how you manage your relationships if you are watching this channel you want to grow beyond it and you can so what happens is right as this rupture right this rupture occurs right and as you're second guessing this builds inside of you this activation drives you to engage in those maladaptive patterns as i said that causes the rupture and you engage in these behaviors in an attempt to manage the situation inside and outside yourself as well this can include cursing someone out right throwing things violence acting out right and then after the rupture so the rupture occurs and then now you have the second guessing and the guilt the shame the doubt the self-contempt usually follows this is where you put yourself on a self-punishment plan that may include hurting yourself isolation self-ridicule whatever it is a lot of my clients along the bpd spectrum that they engage in these self-recriminating patterns until they feel low enough then they feel like they can bounce back that they can come back that they can stand up but what if you make the choice to not go through all those paces and you resist that urge and instead you say wait how can i turn the tide on this and then you engage in right that repair phase if you did cause the rupture this is where you say or do something to restore that relationship in many instances you feel validated by the ability to repair the relationship because it means it's not all falling apart and your significant other or whoever that other person is is not going to leave you however the unhealthy component is when you sell yourself out in order to restore that relationship is that that significant other puts you through the paces right causes that's that sense of of self contempt to be amplified and they say see you should feel terrible see you should do this you should feel that you are this and that maybe they're a part of it too don't forget right it takes two to tango so what's their part in it as well that doesn't mean that you're not taking responsibility for your part because you have to because that's part of it that's part of being an adult that's part of managing that bpd is recognizing the responsibility responsibility is so important and it can be empowering sometimes it stinks but is so so important to embrace that sense of responsibility but if it's a relationship issue it's probably not a hundred percent all you that other person may want you to feel that way but that's probably not the reality of it and if you made a mistake then you own it right you work on repairing that relationship and then you move forward it shouldn't be brought up it shouldn't be thrown in your face things like that that's not fair that's not just and that's not somebody who wants you to succeed right i want you to succeed i'm not going to keep throwing something into your face i don't throw things into the face of my clients i don't tell them well yeah but this was good but you know you got 700 other things where you failed come on i mean that's crazy right no way so what you want to do is you want to enhance those successes you want to build those successes you want to be strong and go forward and keep doing it and once you repair that relationship it's repaired and you go forward and then you recognize it and you don't go back and re-rupture it that same way are there going to be other ruptures yes right will that cause some second guessing yes are you going to work to maintain that second guessing yes are you going to work on focusing on the authentic view and how you see things absolutely and you totally can and it is possible slowing down resisting that urge those default behaviors and patterns that are related to your maladaptive patterns and behaviors and all of these things that cause you to go backwards cause you to feel stuck right with those issues and ruptures and that going through those those painful pieces in order to try to repair and restore that relationship and remember right unhealthy tests those tests those things that you put through that erodes the relationship it doesn't help you you know gather that sense of self build that that sense of positivity to manage that bpd to not engage in those maladaptive patterns and to rise above it so first things first right is you want to identify your core content and you want to do this before these things start what is your core content right when you feel this way where is this coming from where inside of you is this activation where is this coming from know your triggers right know what sets you off right what really gets under your skin what really causes you to spiral know these things put parameters in place around your life to balance those things as best you can and if there's certain people sometimes you have to make the choice to lessen that person's exposure to you hard to say but sometimes you know that that's the reality we have to do for our own mental health that doesn't mean cast out everybody i'm not telling you to do that i'm telling you to manage those in your life that spin you towards the negative now you can also you know have those conversations with them and say hey you know when you say this this causes me to feel this way right or when i hear this i feel this way and you're not blaming them right you're not expecting them to repair those feelings for you you have to repair those feelings and you can when you are empowered with choice you're asking for their help and that's great if they want to help you then they'll participate if they don't then you know sometimes there's a natural consequence to that which is sometimes distancing yourself from them and it's it it's hard it's it's a hard thing to do but it's important to realize that and also i want you to be aware of what those go-to emotions are what are those go-to emotions what are those things guilt shame doubt uh self-recrimination self-contempt whatever it is what are those emotions what are those patterns that you go to those go to's that help to lock into place those bpd maladaptive beliefs behaviors and patterns i call them default beliefs behaviors and patterns because they're negative it's what you go to becomes instinctual you can change those over time it's redoing the habit of going to those things resist the tendency to self-sabotage that's the last component a lot of folks along the bpd spectrum again because they have a rupture perhaps they caused it that rupture then they have to pain themselves enough to where either they engage in repair sometimes it's repair for themselves right they have to repair that relationship with themselves but they self-sabotage the relationship they self-sabotage their success because part of them believes that they don't deserve it now i can certainly do you know another video on that self-sabotaging that the self-destructive behaviors and things like that but resist that urge to self-sabotage that second guessing that increases that anxiety and increases that sense of emptiness and abandonment and resist it and one of the best ways to do that is to have that sense of control slow yourself down increase your sense of self-awareness and you can do it differently it is possible ruptures are going to happen then engage in repair and move on it's important to make those choices and the relationships in your life sometimes we have to make choices about them too and that's not those are not always easy so we want to balance those relationships too i'm telling you to throw everybody out right that's certainly not what i'm saying saying that we have to evaluate those relationships are what what are healthy and which ones are not and that that's a hard decision but it's a decision that that you can make and you can make the choice to determine the course of your life and where you go and your level of success you don't have to sabotage yourself and you don't deserve an installment pain plan in order to be okay with someone else so i hope that you found this video helpful and please like and share and subscribe check out my other new channel as well that'd be cool and thank you very much please take care bye

Channel: Dr. Daniel Fox

Views: 95,378

Keywords: bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, borderline relationships, bpd, bpd relationships, bpd treatment, dr fox, dr fox personality, mental illness, narcissistic personality disorder, personality disorder treatment, personality disorders, psychologist, self destructive, treatment for bpd, npd, relationship problems, relationship advice, npd relationships, emotional abuse, narcissist relationship, rupture and repair in relationships, mental health, bpd symptoms

Id: i7nOHHM5zis

Length: 16min 58sec (1018 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 06 2021