What are the 10 BPD Dos and Don'ts you need to know!

hi my name is dr fox licensed psychologist in the state of texas the expert in the area of personality disorders and in this video we're going to talk about the bpd do's and bpd don'ts and what this is this is a list that i created in working with my clients over the years things to focus on things that individuals with bpd just kind of need to remind themselves of as they go along are these going to be earth shattering to you maybe maybe not but these are just things to consider things to take with you and things that i hope are really helpful so let's get started so first thing is just kind of the layout so we're going to do a do and then we're going to do a don't and then we're going to go back to ado and then back to a don't so we're going to go back and forth a little mix up okay so let's start first let's start with those bpd do's and the first one is you want to make sleep a priority do make sleep a priority you need a sleep routine because sleep is critical and there's been actually a lot of research that has shown this individuals with bpd that when they are sleep deprived it is much more difficult for them to control their urges they tend to fall into those old maladaptive patterns easier the emotional control that is often needed for individuals who have bpd tends to be harder to to contain to manage and it is often more difficult for individuals with dpd to implement new and adaptive strategies because of that level of sleep deprivation because they're more fatigued it's harder to utilize what's called so self-monitoring it's harder to use that because you're so exhausted because you're so tired and it wears you away wears your strengths and abilities away so that first do is right do makes leap a priority and it's important to have a sleep routine and that sleep is critical okay so in that routine what you want to do is you want to try to go to bed every night as best you can around the same time have a ritual right a lot of folks what they do is you know first they may brush their teeth or brush their hair or do some daily hygiene is really good before you go to bed and then go to sleep try to avoid watching tv playing on your ipad or your tablet try to avoid those things because what the tablets do is that their light particularly is designed to keep you awake to keep you attended to the screen and that's not what we want before we go to bed so you want to make sure that you're slowing down reading a book is good reading a workbook is good just throwing that in there reading something can be good as well but trying to stay away from some of those screens and allow yourself to fall asleep okay and that's our first one that's our first do now let's go to our first don't now the first don't is don't give in to those old reflexive maladaptive habits and what that is is that when you feel that activation something happens maybe it's a thought a feeling a belief maybe it's from interactions with a particular person and when you experience that activation you immediately goes into those old habits and these are those maladaptive beliefs behaviors and patterns that you fall into so let's say that you felt rejected in a circumstance or by someone that is important to you so that rejection kicks off core content of abandonment and if you're not sure what core content is i have a lot of videos that discuss it you can check those out but it activates that core content right that sense of something inside you that fear of abandonment that can also sometimes kick off that sense of emptiness and then what happens is then it ignites or follows through with an activation of surface structure behaviors which are those maladaptive beliefs behaviors and patterns that actually support your bpd so what happens is that you experience or you perceive rejection activates core content of abandonment also emptiness then those maladaptive bpd beliefs behaviors and patterns belief is sometimes that you're worthless less than behaviors could be sometimes self-harm could be sometimes isolation could sometimes be aggression okay and then the pattern is what do you do how does it play out is it that you first attack the person you feel rejected from is it that you go inward and you attack yourself what is that belief behaviors and patterns so the first don't is that we don't want to give in to those old reflexive maladaptive patterns and instead we want to utilize adaptive strategies beneficial adaptive and healthy strategies what can you do well there's other do's and don'ts right that we're going to go through they can help you utilize also have a workbook that has a lot of adaptive strategies in it also helps you explore those issues it's really important to build insight that's really important for a lot of folks with bpd so that's our first don't let's go to our second do our second do is do practice pause all the time and by practicing pause what that is is that very similar to what our first don't is is that that sense of activation what you want to do is you want to press pause before you engage in behavior before you get enveloped by those thoughts those overwhelming bpd thoughts is that you want to pause whoa just slow down a minute press pause now your bpd is going to tell you that this is an emergency it has to be dealt with right away oh my god oh my god oh but the reality is is that 99 of our life is not an emergency and only one percent and those one percent are exceptionally rare obviously it's about one percent of our life right but we misinterpret individuals with bpd are at a higher probability of misinterpreting the environment they're misinterpreting signals they're misinterpreting feelings thoughts behaviors of themselves as well as others so what we want to do is we want to press pause slow down and don't act just stop don't fall into your thoughts right don't fall into those things stay present right so when we press pause we're going to think about okay where am i and what am i doing that's it get really centered be mindful of where you are then while you press pause re-evaluate what's going on and that activating event or instance and it's using that that reevaluation that can help you have greater control over it and that's what we want to do that's how we control bpd and its beliefs behaviors and patterns that are associated with it so that second do is do practice pause all the time don't do it selectively nothing like that folks with bpd need to practice pause all the time slow down now number two don't is don't abuse substances alcohol and drugs regretfully there's a high comorbidity between substance abuse which includes alcohol and drugs obviously right and bpd and a lot of times that's because it is a maladaptive coping strategy that sort of overlays or kind of wipes out a lot of those bpd components and that's really problematic because what happens is is that obviously addiction can ensue which is much more complicated with a bpd with a personality disorder borderline personality in particular and it complicates the treatment process it slows the treatment process in many cases it will stall it or completely throw it off track in other instances as well so you want to really monitor right alcohol and drugs abstain as best you can and if you need help in doing that it's okay to reach out for help to do that it's better that you have more sources of control in your life than that you have less sources of control in your life so it's really important to do that so that second don't is really important right don't abuse substances alcohol and drugs let's go to number three of the dues number three of the dues is do always practice radical acceptance now radical acceptance comes from dbt dialectical behavioral therapy and it is actually one of the foundational components of dbt which is acceptance acceptance is exceptionally hard right because think about it folks with bpd want what acceptance folks with bpd want what to be understood which is a component of acceptance but what we need to do for individuals with bpd and with my clients what we try to do is that we try to learn and embrace this sense of radical acceptance radical acceptance in a nutshell is that you may not like the situation you're in but you kind of have to accept it because you're in it and it doesn't mean that you just give in to it it doesn't mean that you just allow it it's just that you accept that it's happening another component of radical acceptance is that we don't have time machines man it'd be really cool if we did but we don't so we can't go back in time and redo our history we have to accept our history as it is and recognize also that it is up to us as to how we interpret it in the present and how it impacts us that determines what we will do with it going forward if you've had a particularly dramatic history we can't go back and undo that so we have to accept where we are at the present recognize that it occurred but what we do in the present impacts what will happen in the future so we have to remember that no time machines so we have to accept that the present is the situation we're in which we can certainly influence right that's where we have the most power that's where we have the most influence and when we utilize adaptive beneficial positive strategies we increase the probability of positive outcome down the road when we use self-destructive violent hurtful strategies maladaptive strategies we increase the probability of negative outcomes so we have to recognize that it's that part of acceptance accepting ourselves for who we are the situation we're in what we've experienced and implement that today to impact how we live our life and to go forward to make positive changes we want to increase the positive probabilities that want to increase the probability of positive outcome so number three of the don't is don't accept the belief that you're less than a lot of individuals a lot of my clients that they grew up in home environments or they grew up in different type of environments through different types of experiences that they were told that they weren't good enough they told they were told that they were broken they were told that everything they do wasn't sufficient enough they were told that they don't think correctly act correctly or function correctly as a human being and what happens is this becomes internalized as this feeling of being less than and what's the metric a lot of times folks don't think about okay so what am i comparing myself to less than what and that happens a lot with with bpd is that when we try to compare to others we don't have a metric we don't have that balance so it's just this generalized sort of fear concern uncertainty about whatever we're comparing ourselves to and if this is confusing it kind of should be because if you don't know what you're comparing to how do you know if you're more than less than or equal you don't so that's the problem with with bpd it confuses you to compare yourself to something that isn't there that isn't well defined it's ill-defined we don't know what it is so we want to you know get away from that right so we don't want to accept the belief that we're less than what we want to do is we recognize that and this goes with our last do as well all of these are interrelated if we accept our passes is that it occurred right we accept that our certain certain current situations that we're in right that this is where we can enact the greatest influence but believing that we're less than increases the probability of engaging in maladaptive behaviors that are so self-destructive we get stuck and it starts to wear away at our life and how we live it and the relationships we have and the connections we have to others so it's this belief that less than as we hold that belief and we may have all these memories of things that happened in the past and you may have people in your life that are still present that really kind of activate this sense of being less than and what you want to do is you want to push back on that idea push back on saying i'm not less than right what are your talents what are you good at and if your immediate reaction is nothing that's not true everyone is good at something it may not be painting the 16 chapel right but it may be something maybe you're kind maybe you're patient right maybe you love pets maybe you know you want to help kids whatever it is but it's those things that define you not this nebulous cloudy idea of being less than that so many folks with bpd do hold on to and it really encourages these maladaptive patterns so number three is we don't want to accept the belief that you're less than number four of the dues number four of the dues is do find and support your sense of meaning and purpose one of the most important things that that i do with all of my clients whether they're on the bpd spectrum or not is that we try to find purpose and meaning in their life what is your purpose and meaning what drives you so when i was seven years old i really loved watching other people just loved it and i was always fascinated by other people about what they were doing and how they were interacting with different people even the same person you know i remember coming out of a movie and you know i was sitting in my family and i don't remember what we were doing we just sitting there you know and we're watching people come out of the movie and i'm watching these different people and it was interesting i remember thinking it's interesting how the same person interacts and reacts to others differently so there's so much variability but that gave me a lot of of meaning and purpose to try to understand this what is this what is going on and is there a way to understand these folks and what they do lo and behold psychology provided a nice framework to do that then that sort of drove me to identifying folks who really have trouble finding meaning and purpose and that falls into the pd category and folks with bpd i think have a particular particularly difficult time doing this because that sense of meaning and purpose is clouded by feeling less than by not accepting where they are by utilizing alcohol and drugs by not sleeping well right by not having a good routine right by not practicing pause by having these reflexive maladaptive habits see how it's all coming together so yeah it's pretty good right but what is your meaning and purpose it doesn't have to be grand it doesn't have to be all encompassing but what is your meaning and purpose find that meaning and purpose and you don't need outside validation for it what is your meaning and purpose and that's something personal to you right you don't have to ask mom dad brother sister cousin friend husband neighbor whoever say oh you know what what do you think about it who cares what they think about it if this gives you a sense of meaning and purpose then follow it if it helps you grow helps you develop helps you believe in yourself that's what we want to do that's our meaning and purpose and grab onto it and nurture it you know when when i was seven years old i expressed what i'm expressing to you right express it to my dad and and he was like okay so he took me to a bookstore and he said okay you know pick out a book that you think kind of relates to that so i picked out this book by barbara tannen it's called please understand me and i remember right i gave it you know to my dad okay this this is a book i want it's a title i mean come on right there right meaning and purpose please understand understanding others and their behaviors and the actions and reactions and stuff like that and he said to me he said i don't think you're gonna understand this book i don't think that this is a good book for you and i said yeah yeah well i'm gonna read it right i was just dead set on reading it right because i found this meaning and purpose that this was so fascinating to me i wanted to learn more about it so i convinced him he bought it for me i didn't understand it at seven so but i read the book much much later and it really is a fascinating book i think that it at what i needed at the time to provide this sense of meaning and purpose to help me understand a little bit about why folks do the things they do how and what motivates folks to do the things they do and it was really good but you know i was fortunate that you know even though maybe i hit a little roadblock but eventually he was like yeah okay here all right here try it out and he was right but eventually though i did read it and i did get a lot from it and maybe someday i'll be a psychologist oh i am so that's our number four do's right do find and support your sense of meaning and purpose number four don't is don't give in to the negative belief that you deserve to feel pain to be okay self-punishment is a hoax a lot of folks with bpd hold on to this belief that once i've suffered enough then it's okay to feel good it's this internalized idea this false belief that if i make myself feel bad enough i'll do good things human beings do not operate that way you will not shame someone else enough to then be successful we just don't work that way because what happens is just as we talked about number three don't don't accept the belief that you're less than what happens is if you deride someone on a continual basis if you continually point out what they're doing wrong they get stuck in what they're doing wrong they embrace what they're doing wrong and they internalize it and they begin to believe that they are wrong that they are broken that they are malfunctional right in some way so don't hang on and give in to this negative belief that you deserve to feel pain to be okay that's that's a hoax that's completely not a reality that is a and often a belief a self-defining belief from a lot of my clients that are along the bpd spectrum is it well i did this and i need to be punished so i punish myself until it's okay no don't you don't need to do that you don't need to go through that this goes back to the issue of radical self-acceptance and radical acceptance says okay look you made a mistake you gotta own it sometimes that sometimes that hurts all its own right you made a mistake you gotta own it but you own it you accept that you did it and you move on that's it right if you feel like you have to engage in reparations you don't have to make yourself feel horrible to repair that rupture you don't need to do that right what you can do is is you accept that it occurred you may need to apologize you may need to engage your reparations but then you let it go right and then going forward you make sure that you don't do it again right you apply adaptive healthy strategy so that you don't do it again and you move forward so that's our number four of don't is don't give in to the negative belief that you deserve to feel pain to be okay and remember self-punishment is a hoax there is no benefit that comes from it and then number five our last do is that do find kindness and compassion for yourself and live it so many folks with with bpd with with my clients when we're working together you know i often see this this outline and this frame and the silhouette however you want to say right of this kind compassion person this often very creative often very insightful often very driven person that is mired by this false envelopment of negativity this false sense and internalized belief that they are bad that they are broken that they are worthless all of these things that actually turn out not to be true and part of the work that i do with them is to clear out that confusion so they can see that kindness and compassion inside themselves and then how can they express it as they're living their life what is kind and compassionate about you your bpd right as soon as you hear that your bpd is going to tell you nothing that is absolutely not true and that's your bpd talking because your bpd is this little you know manipulative thing inside you right that tells you all these negative things tells you all these hurtful things that are 99.9 of exceptionally false because they're in the extreme and our lives are not in the extreme right you're always right a loser you're always mean you're always worthless things like that right you will always you know those extreme identifiers always you know must stuff like that so it's these extreme terms that we know that's false because our lives aren't we don't live them as the extreme right so find that sense of kindness and compassion and live it and express it and as you do that you'll find that you're more in touch with your authentic self and there will be some pushback right your your bpd is like this straight cat as you feed it it kept coming around coming around coming around and you made that stray cat really fat it's a fat cat so then when you stop feeding it's gonna push back right because it's really hungry and it's like give me give me give me give me but we're gonna stop feeding it and as you find that kindness and compassion in yourself you'll find and then that it's better to live it that you have more positive outcomes that you have more healthy relationships so it's finding that kindness and compassion in yourself and living it and our last don't our last don't is don't believe your bpd lens it's tricky and false you want you want to live an authentic life this means that you're actually living in shades of gray the world is not black and white the world is not a split and your bpd lens wants you to over simplify your world because what happens is when you over simplify it and you live at the extremes it can then tell you these things that encourage maladaptive patterns increase the probability of utilizing alcohol and drugs that makes you feel less than right that encourages this negative belief that you deserve pain to be okay so it's all of these things played together and it's this bpd lens that distorts the reality of your life not only how you see yourself but how you see others and you have to push back on this bpd lens and see the world in a more authentic fashion and you can do it you can do it by incorporating the five do's that we just talked about being aware of the five don'ts that we just talked about and living your life by the dues don't get caught up in the don'ts i'll leave the a list of the do's and don'ts in the comments section or in the information section right for this video i hope that you enjoyed it and please let me know how it goes let me know which dudes you live and which don't you live as well okay so thank you so much for your time i appreciate it and please take care and live by your dues not by your don'ts i wish you all the best take care bye

Channel: Dr. Daniel Fox

Views: 97,920

Keywords: borderline personality disorder, bpd dos and don'ts, mental illness, bpd, borderline, borderline relationships, bpd relationships, dr fox personality, fox, psychologist, dialectical behavior therapy, dbt, bpd disorder treatment, borderline personality disorder treatment, dr fox mental health, dr fox borderline personality disorder, dr fox bpd, dr fox favorite person, dr fox splitting, dr fox core content, bpd need to know, dos and don'ts, bpd disorder symptoms, bpd depression

Id: q8MxJcqykHg

Length: 25min 18sec (1518 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 17 2021