How to Deal with Uncertainty - Without Self-Sabotage

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Imagine this: you are wired to an  electric shock device. And which one   would make you more anxious? You get told  there is a 50% chance of getting shocked,   or you get told that you're going to get  shocked no matter what. Researchers found   that participants felt far more anxious if  they were told that there was a 50% chance   of getting shocked than the participants  who were told that there was a 100% chance   of getting shocked. Our brains hate uncertainty  more than physical pain. So what's up with that? [Music] When we aren't certain what will happen, our  nervous system perceives that uncertainty as a   potential threat that we could maybe do something  about. So it's like, "Oh, something bad might happen,"   so it kicks on this activated state trying to  spur us into some action to prevent bad things   from happen. And this feels like uncomfortable  anxiety sensations. Now, most of us feel really   uncomfortable with uncertainty. So for example,  how do you feel in these situations? Will this   relationship work out, or should I leave before I  get hurt? This world feels out of control. Should   I bother with a college degree? Should I invest  money in the stock market? Should I buy a house?   Or how about this: should I apply for that job if  I might not be qualified and I get rejected? Now,   just like those real people in the research study -  because uncertainty is so anxiety-provoking - a lot   of people would rather have pain than uncertainty.  So they break up with their girlfriend or they   quit college or they don't apply for the job  because that feels safer than the uncertainty   does. Now, most people don't like uncertainty,  but the people who can't tolerate uncertainty   the most are more likely to experience anxiety  or depressive disorders. They're more likely to   struggle in relationships and not reach their  potential in work or school. But here's the   thing: it's not actually uncertainty that's the  problem; it's our attempts to avoid uncertainty   that usually interfere with our lives. We love  certainty to such an extreme degree that we   often self-sabotage instead of tolerating  the uncertainty. We would rather fail than   risk success because risking success comes with  uncomfortable feelings of anxiety. So we quit a   sport if we're not sure if we'll be good at it, or  you never ask her out because you're uncertain if   she'll say yes, or you break up with him before he  breaks up with you. If we're afraid of being fired,   we quit or we don't give our best efforts so we  don't feel invested. Um and then we can just tell   ourselves, "Oh, well, you know, I never really liked  that job anyway." Right? We never really commit in   an attempt to protect ourselves from feeling  hurt later. But by never committing we remove   the uncertainty of success and we guarantee the  certainty of failure. Our nervous system prefers   a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven. And  we are all experts at doing mental gymnastics   to try and prevent disappointment and uncertainty.  So have you ever said anything like this, you know,   "I'd rather expect the worst and have something  good happen than expect the best or hope for the   best and be disappointed." This is an attempt to  control uncertainty, but it also shuts down our   options. If we expect the worst we will miss out  on a lot of opportunities, like asking that girl   out or putting our our whole heart into a tryout  or giving our all in a relationship or in our   job. And there's like a bunch of other mental backbends  we do um if the future is uncertain. We might   worry and overthink in an attempt to control  the outcome. We ruminate and run through all   the possible scenarios trying to force certainty  onto an uncertain world. We're trying to control   and suppress our emotions of sadness or regret by  endlessly thinking through scenarios. And we worry   and worry and procrastinate so much that we fill  our present with anxiety. And if we never commit   to an uncertain course we eventually sabotage  our future too. So let's talk about other forms   of self-sabotaging, uncertainty-avoiding things  that we do. So the first one: reassurance seeking,   um micromanaging, over-checking, procrastinating. Like  procrastinating is an attempt to wait to make a   decision until you have all the facts or you have  all the control that you need. Um it's like saying,   "Oh, I'm not going to try until I know for sure  that there's going to be a payout." So these are   all like a bunch of weird mental strategies we use  to avoid uncertainty. But the thing is, uncertainty   was never the problem. It's all the stuff that  we do to try to make uncertainty go away. That's   that's what makes us sick. So just go ahead and  comment below: what are some of the things you do   to avoid uncertainty? And what have you missed out  on in an attempt to kind of protect yourself from   being hurt? Now, the cool thing is you can develop  the skill of accepting uncertainty, of creating   space for it in your life so that you stop  self-sabotaging. And this - like when we stop doing   all these mental backbends to avoid uncertainty,  it actually can decrease your depression and   anxiety and lead to you taking risks that actually  lead to more success. So how do we do it on a   practical level? How do we get better at handling  uncertainty? You can create internal certainty   around uncertainty by, number one, like just being  honest. Life is uncertain, and you are certain there   is nothing you can do about that. Uncertainty  is part of living a quality life. Uncertainty   is part of loving, caring, striving, competing, uh  trying. It's it's an essential part of the best   sports or the most exciting games. Uncertainty  is essential to creativity, to relationships, to   productivity, uh not to mention the best hobbies,  like rock climbing and gardening. And I say that   because I'm never certain if what I plant is  going to grow. So so stop resisting reality and   stop trying to force your feelings to go away. And  instead, let's create room to hold those feelings   while we strive for the life that that we dream  of. Um I recently read an example of this in in the   New York Times. So this woman said um, "A close  friend's daughter was getting married during   the pandemic. 'We can't invite our friends to the  wedding in order to keep it small and safe,' my pal   told me. But she did invite friends, I learned from  a Facebook post. Just not me. Feeling humiliated,   I initially kept quiet. But being together grew  awkward, and I sensed a growing distance. And when   I tried to discuss the widening rift, she called  a pause in our relations by text and stopped   reaching out for a year. My first thought was to  consider the friendship ended. Something in her   tone felt so final like a breakup, case closed. But  after a time I asked myself if I really knew what   had happened and what she had meant by excluding  me. Perhaps there was more to the story. Despite my   hurt I tried to keep the problem and my own mind  open. I discovered what Rebecca Solnit calls 'the   spaciousness of uncertainty,' a realm of possibility.  When at last my friend broke her silence by text I   was ready to reconnect and move forward, even if  I couldn't get an answer to all of my questions.   Meeting her rejection with sureness gave me  perspective and courage not to shun her in   turn. In our craving for certainty we often cut  off the things we actually care about. It would   have been easier for this woman mentally to just  break up with her friend than to hold that space   for uncertainty, but she would have lost that  friendship forever. In order to live a happy   life we have to stop trying to create a sense  of safety that demands on controlling outside   circumstances or controlling them mentally, right,  cutting ourself off from them. And instead we need   to do step two, which is strengthen our internal  sense of safety. So if uncertainty is perceived   danger, the antidote is internal safety. Remind  yourself that you can handle having feelings. You   get really good at having feelings. So instead of  putting all your energy into resisting uncertainty,   put your energy into building internal resilience.  So let's say, for example, if you're uncertain about   an upcoming trip, if you're anxious about it, if  you're worried that it's going to be a stressful   disaster, after a reasonable amount of planning,  stop trying to predict everything. Stop trying to   control everything to make sure that it goes  perfectly. Instead you could foster internal   beliefs like, "Oh, even if things don't go perfectly  I can get through it. It's only a couple days. It   might be uncomfortable, but it won't be the end of  the world. And and these internal beliefs build up   your sense of safety. And that's going to keep you  from just endlessly trying to control and predict   everything. To build up your sense of safety adopt  a mindset that like, "Oh, trying new things and doing   stuff that's hard and taking risk is good for you."  So what you're doing is you're creating emotional   space to feel uncertain. And another word for  this is willingness. Like I'm willing to feel   uncertain about this relationship in order  to see where it will go. I'm willing to feel   unsure about whether YouTube will like my video,  but I'll make it anyway. This is a skill you can   develop with practice. Your ability to tolerate  uncertainty without self-sabotaging is a muscle   that you can develop. You strengthen it through  practice. So do things that make you feel uncertain.   Order something new at a restaurant or go to a  completely unknown restaurant. You can practice   tolerating uncertainty by trying a new class or  traveling somewhere you've never been before or   delegating a task to others without micromanaging  them. Uh you could try an activity that you've been   avoiding, like karaoke or dancing or improv.  Uh you could talk to someone you don't know or   go hang out with a group of people you don't know.  Uh wear a type of clothing that you don't normally   wear. And as you do these things, don't focus on the  emotion because you're probably going to feel some   discomfort. Focus instead on the experience. Did  you learn something new? What did this experiment   do for your confidence, right? Like what did you  learn from this? Did you strengthen your sense of   self? With all forms of exposure therapy, gradual  repetition is the key to real success. So just   keep putting yourself in uncertain situations  over and over, and practice like creating more   emotional space to handle that anxiety instead of  trying to control and manage and predict and cut   yourself off from failure. And the more you do this,  the better you'll get at it. Like that emotional   muscle will get stronger. You are worth investing  time and energy in building up your capacity to   handle tough stuff. And if you'd like to work with  a therapist to build up those skills at facing   uncertainty, um may I recommend BetterHelp. Uh  BetterHelp is an online therapy provider. They'll   connect you with a licensed professional therapist  from the comfort of your own home. Uh you can meet   with them on your phone or on your computer, and  they'll help you find healthier ways to manage   all of the big uncertainties that come with  life. So for 10% off your first month, check out   the link in the description. Okay. Step three: stop  ruminating and take some dang action. Our brains   are so big. They are our best defense mechanism. But  they get in the way when we constantly analyze and   overthink and ruminate over every problem or  every possible situation. So if you're not sure   about your future in the job market, channel that  anxious energy into taking some classes or getting   certified in something new. Channel the emotionally  activated energy of anxiety toward movement. So you   take some action. You create some new opportunities.  And and I'm not saying like frantically run amok.   I'm saying like intentionally say, "Oh, I feel  nervous about my prospects at this job. Okay.   I'm going to make some new network connections.  I'm going to, you know, build up some new skills,   get some new certificates." If you want to be happy  you have to be willing to invest in life. You have   to be willing to commit, even when you're not  certain. Life is uncertain. You can choose to   struggle against that and self-sabotage in order  to create a sense of certainty, or you can go out   and plant the tree. Even if you won't be there to  watch it grow up, you're still making the world   a better place. So um on a practical level, what  do we do? Um it can be really helpful to write   these things down. You can start with the locus of  control exercise, which I talk about all the time.   You take a piece of paper, you draw a line down  the middle, you divide it into two sides: what can't   I control? What can I control? And then you ask  yourself, "What do I really care about? What good   can I do? How can I educate myself?" And you just  spend less time on the things you can't control   and more energy on the things you can control. Um I  would also say like watch less media about things   that are far from you. When you get caught up in  the things that you can't control, just write them   down and then redirect your attention to what  you can control, and then take some dang action.   Now, this is a skill you can get good at. Like, you  got this. As you build your capacity to handle   uncertainty you're going to make better choices  that lead to better outcomes. You'll stop blowing   up relationships. You'll stop self-sabotaging,  and you'll be more willing to take risks with   rewards. And in the long run you'll be healthier  and happier. K. If you'd like to learn more skills   for working through big uncomfortable emotions in  a healthy way, check out my online course How to   Process Emotions. The link is in the description  below. Okay. Thank you for watching, and take care. [Music]
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Channel: Therapy in a Nutshell
Views: 93,550
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Keywords: therapy in a nutshell, emma mcadam, mental health, depression, anxiety, overthinking, social anxiety, uncertainty, self-sabotage, self-sabotaging, self sabotaging behavior, how to stop self sabotage, stop sabotaging yourself, overcome fear
Id: aiXMlJKlFzw
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Length: 14min 43sec (883 seconds)
Published: Thu May 16 2024
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