BPD and Toxic Relationships: What You Need to Know

hi this is dr fox licensed psychologist in state of texas and in this video we're going to discuss toxic relationship when you saw the topic you probably thought i was going to talk about only interpersonal relationships and that's the relationship between you and someone else but i'm not i'm also going to talk about intra personal relationships this is the relationship you have with yourself and i think you'll be surprised how similar in pain and process these two aspects really are so let's get into it and like share and subscribe and here we go relationships can often feel like a double-edged sword you want to be close and open but you're afraid to so you push the emotions and or the other person away but when they start to dissolve or step back your rejection sensitivity gets activated and this is followed by fear and frustration which causes you to engage in those maladaptive beliefs behaviors and patterns that keep your bpd symptoms in place keep them active so we want to go whoa right this cycle will tire you out and i'm sure that you've experienced that right the back and forth the push pull relationship cycle i have a video on that and just how exhausting that can be time and time again and over time that push-pull pattern can turn the relationship you once had so much hope for into a toxic one and this isn't just an external issue but an internal push-pull relationship with yourself that happens as well and that is what we call toxic it can be an intra personal toxic relationship or an inter personal toxic relationship and you can have a toxic relationship with yourself and before we talk about how to deal with it let's really get into and see what it is because that's really really important and generally a toxic relationship is one that makes you feel unsupported misunderstood demeaned or attacked right and essentially it's any relationship that makes you feel worse rather than better now do we think this is only external and cannot be internal as well right that's definitely a no right it's definitely both now i'm going to talk about the 10 common factors that makes a toxic internal and external relationship now i want you to grab a piece of paper i want you to draw a line down the middle on one side i want you to write me m e and on the other side write the name of the person you think you're in a toxic relationship with as i go through these 10 common factors i want you to write in the me side or the other side or even both columns right because you can have it both right you can have it on both sides you can have an internal and an external toxic relationship right and what this exercise is about is about it's building really good insight and this is a good exercise to help you do that because it's so important for us to build insight into relationships particularly for those people that have bpd because sometimes the need for those relationships and the dependency cycle is so intense that sometimes people are like yeah it's toxic relationship but i'll be in it anyway and sometimes what happens is that that can really feed this negative feedback loop and that's what we don't want to do so we're going to build insight we're going to help you out and we're going to get into it right so let's get into it and let's foster knowledge because we know knowledge is empowerment all right let's get into it number one and this is a lack of support this is not supporting yourself and others don't support you either right that's an internal and external component and it's important to have both in a healthy relationship in those toxic ones it is that lack of support that you experience right so if you have that internal as it relates to me you you know right the me column right then you would write one lack of support if you're in a toxic relationship with someone else and you don't feel that sense of support right lack of support on the other so you can have enough both you can just have it on one either side number two is a toxic communication and this is saying mean and discouraging things to yourself and others saying hurtful comments or judgments now think about that right is that i think folks with bpd tend to have this internal dialogue that is fed by what's called this family in the head and it's this toxic communication you have with yourself but externally right that interpersonal relationship that you have with someone else is that toxic as well are you guys really kind of mean to one another you know are you discouraging with your partner but it doesn't have to just be your partner it could be co-workers it could be friends it could be family members remember toxic relationships isn't just romantic relationships it can also be family friends co-workers any kind of relationship that you may have now number three is resentment yep you can resend parts of yourself as well as other people in your life showing bitterness towards these other people show bitterness towards you on a routine basis but are you showing bitterness towards yourself as well do you resent yourself for various aspects right of how you live your life how you are planning your life the things the regret you may have for things that you did or didn't do and that can be an inter intrapersonal component an interpersonal component right would be with your significant other or anyone you have a relationship with and that you have this resentment towards them now next number four is dishonesty this is lying to yourself and others others being dishonest with you right that would be that interpersonal so you would write dishonesty right on either column and it's so important for us to be honest with ourselves what we really want and i think that a lot of folks with bpd contend with this dishonesty because they don't feel worthy of having an honest sense of value and an honest communication with yourself and honest communication isn't just identifying the positive and ridiculing yourself for it no no no no no no no right i'm going to tell you to stop that right now it had honest communication is a combination of the things you do well and the successes that you've had right and noticing some of the things maybe that you didn't do well some of the things that maybe you've done or are doing that don't make you feel good about yourself that's part of that honest communication but toxic relationship with self or other is dishonest and we want to be honest in that component right now number five is patterns of disrespect this definitely relates to yourself and others right what fosters your self-respect this could be saying no when you mean no and i think a lot of folks with bpd often say yes when they wish they had said no right or know that they're going to get themselves into a negative situation but they say yes in order to try to please the other person right or they're afraid of that rejection sensitivity abandonment than possible ensuing emptiness so they say yes in those situations and we don't want to do that you want to say no when you mean no you want to say yes when you mean yes that's part of self-care right and it's also respecting yourself and then we have to ask ourselves about those interpersonal relationships right relationships you have with others are you treated with disregard and contempt by that other person because that's a component of toxic relationships number six is you feel unsafe and don't trust yourself or the other person and this is so central because i think that it is one of those inherent components to bpd that doesn't get talked talked about a lot and that is that you don't trust yourself right we go back to some of those other components right that you don't honestly communicate with yourself you say a lot of negative things to yourself you don't support yourself and that bpd that feeds that bpd right that maladaptive patterns and we don't want to do that so then it creates this feeling of of on feeling unsafe right this lack of safety how about with your interpersonal relations right with your significant other where your co-workers with your family members do you feel safe with them can you trust them that when you're down they don't kick you when you're down that they try to lift you up that they're able to see the positive in you right because that fostering that sense of unsafety on that feeling of unsafety i'll get it right is really that is really toxic and it can certainly be with yourself and with others number seven is that you feel neglected or exploited by your own actions that encourage your self-perspective of low value and the other person treats you and supports this negative aspect of yourself right so you already feel negative right you feel exploited inside right and you you encourage this low value again with those other things that we've talked about that's that not feeling safe that disrespecting yourself being dishonest with yourself you know that you resent yourself all of these things and then we end up saying things that encourage us to keep these things really solidified inside you what about in those relationships right does the other person say things do things that creates this sense of feeling neglected and exploited and treated unfairly and that those negative aspects in you are constantly brought up constantly identified even when you succeed even when you do something well they're like well i mean but you remember this failure and this failure and this failure okay that's a component of a toxic relationship now the next number eight is you feel lost you don't know who you are now this can often be a reason you attach to someone else and you resist that sense of self-exploration sometimes we're afraid of what we may find if we stop and look at ourselves but it's really important to do that to genuinely and honestly explore yourself what's important to you what your values are and you try to define yourself through someone else and this is one of those classic symptoms of bpd which is that unstable self-image is that you're not really sure who you are so again you know you go back is that you know you go back to that old pattern of attaching to someone so that you'll have a sense of self but that sense of self can't be external we have to stop and we have to explore ourselves and know ourselves and know what we believe and i know that that can be scary but it is so so critical to to do that and number nine and this is you feel belittled and ashamed and you do this to yourself through negative and toxic self-talk right and you are spoken to that way by the other person in the relationship as well right so you belittle yourself you shame yourself and you create this this shame spiral for yourself and you just shame shame shame and it's intense self-shaming that that other person in your life kind of grabs onto right and they're like oh let me shame him or her you know then because when you feel low and you feel little then you end up capitulating to what that other person wants and number 10 is that judgment instead of open-mindedness and when you think or hear something right you attack it as though it's stupid useless or proof of your ineptitude and what that means is that you do yourself not just that other person but you're doing it to yourself as well right so if you think of something different if you hear something that's out of the ordinary or that may encourage your sense of growth you dismiss it and you say well that's stupid you would never be able to do it that goes to that that internal speak right that that family in the head that's telling you these things and then the other person that you're in the relationship with says and does things to foster your negative judgment and close-mindedness right so they encourage those walls inside yourself they encourage that lack of growth and staying low and those are the things that we want to challenge and push back against now some of these may have been really hard to hear and acknowledge and write down but it's important for your growth that you do it and you may need to listen this video a few times to get through it or go through it a few times and do the exercise at various times throughout the year right and as your relationship progresses it can be really important to do that and when you look at what you wrote down did you end up with more on the me column or the other person column or was it both knowing if it's a toxic interpersonal or intrapersonal relationship or not can help you to determine if changes need to be made to the relationship or if it's time to end the relationship with the other person and really get into strengthening that relationship you have with yourself and detoxify it well let's talk about what to do about a toxic relationship with yourself or someone else first if you have an internal toxic relationship you have to join your own team don't be your own worst enemy encourage and fight for yourself to be well and engage in adaptive and healthy behaviors learn adaptive strategies to build yourself up and encourage your own growth therapy can be a great place to do this and i know a lot of folks can't afford therapy or struggle with it that's why i've made these books back here right so that maybe that they can help you too and hopefully these videos have helped you do that as well so it's therapy it's workbooks that help you it's these videos or videos that help you grow and develop and enhance that positive sense of self so that you can challenge those negative aspects and i think that we really have to you know join our own team and i think with others think about how you can align with them how can you align with that other person right in your life who's so important and what can you do to make it work if you stop and think about your relationship with that other whoever was in that that column right what can you do to make that relationship work recognize that some relationships with others just aren't going to work and this means you have to weigh your costs and benefits to stay or go and i know that that's tough i know that that's hard and when you talk about change is the other person willing to take you seriously work in your best interest or are they only interested in their own it's an important assessment to make on every relationship and to be able to discuss it how you feel and genuinely look at that with an authentic view don't let that bpd lens distort your perception of self and other we want to push back against that we want to see the authenticity in the relationship and in yourself now can you both join the common goal of growth or not realizing the relationship is toxic and that the other person is not willing to help and expects only you to do the work or they're happy with the status quo of you being belittled neglected and shamed illustrates that toxicity and you need to go back to the cost and benefit analysis this is tough for people with bpd due to abandonment fears rejection sensitivity and often low sense of self-worth the illogical but common thought that no one will ever love me perpetuates so many individuals with bpd and it is oftentimes this fear and it keeps folks locked in to those maladaptive bpd beliefs behaviors and patterns and you have to recognize and deal with the internal toxic relationship first you have to heal inside then your power is marshaled right to make those long-term changes now i'm not going to tell you to stay in a toxic relationship and i'm not telling you that at all right i'm saying explore inward know that you deserve compassion and kindness and have people in your life that treat you with respect and want you to grow that's what these videos are about that's what i'm trying to convey to these thousands and tens of thousands and maybe hundreds of thousands i don't know be nice right but right that that's what i'm trying to do for you to get that sense that there is someone out there that's what these videos are for to help you build that sense of self-respect build that sense of compassion to help you grow and develop and manage that bpd and the lessening of the internal toxic relationship is the first critical step it's so important and therapy is a great place to do this and couples therapy right can also be great for you and your significant other to learn how to do your relationships differently i really hope that this video was helpful for you please leave any comments about it or what you've done not only work on yourself but also in those relationships that you have and what have you done to help detoxify your relationships so like share and subscribe and thanks for your attention please take care bye

Channel: Dr. Daniel Fox

Views: 61,162

Keywords: BPD and Toxic Relationships, borderline personality disorder, bpd, bpd relationships, depression, dr fox personality, mental health, mental illness, narcissistic personality disorder, depression and BPD, cptsd, major depressive disorder, daniel fox personality disorders, dr fox bpd, mental health awareness, dr daniel fox borderline personality disorder, bpd emptiness, complex BPD, complex borderline personality disorder, toxic relationship, toxic relationships tiktok

Id: puaRw6Lgcc8

Length: 18min 0sec (1080 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 06 2022