Dating Strategy to Help You Manage your Moods, Expectations, and BPD

hi i'm dr fox licensed psychologist in state of texas an expert in the area of personality disorders and in this video we're going to talk about borderline personality disorder and dating now dating is a complicated maze for everybody and particularly for those bpd now there are so many moving parts when you consider meeting somebody else being attracted to them liking them and wanting more from the connection now in this video we're going to discuss dating and bpd and the challenges involved in doing so as well as the guidelines i use and discuss with my clients that help them manage newly formed relationships that increase the probability of dating and relationship success so i hope you'll check it out and like share and subscribe and here we go all right so for those with vpd it's common for them to feel an instant connection to someone else and for that connection to turn to a sense of intense emotional need right that initial spark and they're like oh forest fire forest fire forest fire right because they want it to be this intense emotional connection and this is often in response to that common core content of emptiness now i talk about core content and surface content a lot of my other videos and what that means briefly what it is core content it's these things that you have inside you that drive your surface content which is your surface structure behavior thoughts images that are that are in your mind okay that come out of that core content so that's kind of the nutshell of it all right so now this connection which is attraction quickly becomes distorted and powerful right so you meet somebody you're like oh wow they're really cute they're really fun you know whatever it is and that attraction becomes almost like a need almost like a drug or it becomes quick to be a dependency component now those with bpd want to go deeper than the relationship is typically ready for and they often reveal a lot about themselves early on in the first day or in the early part of the relationship now this is called the honeymoon phase right when you first meet somebody it's really interesting you're like wow they seem really cool they seem really nice and all this other stuff that's the honeymoon phase now everyone has a honeymoon phase the whirlwind part of the meeting dating exploring each other and so on now this is like a high for many people and it's here that those with attachment issues and strong emotional needs build a perceived dependency to and on that other person though the foundation is new so it's not really solidified so everything is kind of like on glass but it's very thin glass because but you want it to be heavy you want it to be intense because of that internalized component of emptiness you're hoping that this person will feel that sense of emptiness and that this connection this relationship will be the end all be all and that will solve those internal struggles and pains that you had whether it's from your past experience or current current experiences that you're having or whatever it may be and it's that intensity that comes with it that's a big component of bpd and how they see that codependency as well codependency is not a requirement for bpd now some folks with bpd also have tendencies for codependency i hate that word but but that's kind of what it is i can do a video on codependency and bpd if you're interested leave that in the comments i can certainly do that for you now in many cases right when you push the relationship become deeper than it is the other person may go along for the ride for a little while right because those are the high times everything's great it's a honeymoon phase right but soon after when the curtain gets pulled back when actual intimacy starts to build the relationship becomes off balance right like that okay and the other person right is at a higher likelihood to leave that imbalance of the relationship it creates an imbalance in the other person it creates an imbalance for you all those maladaptive you know patterns beliefs thoughts the images in your mind are being pumped out so fast that you're like oh this person you know can be all of this to me and all of that and they can help me here and i want to be with them and also and it's intense but that disproportion increases the probability of the relationship failing now it's important to realize right that initially when this relationship seemed to have everything right that you needed in it when it ends your core content of abandonment gets activated which triggers emptiness which sets off other maladaptive patterns and symptoms of bpd now you may have been through this cycle many many times but there's something that you can do about it you need to treat your approach to dating and your self-disclosure like a book okay now we're going to call the bpd dating book of love right something kind of fun right but using this will help you right understand that intimacy build that sense of intimacy not in a rapid fire way but in a way that it slowly builds depth and security which is what a lot of folks along the bpd spectrum feel like they're missing that they're struggling to get and that's totally understandable because part of a major part of the disorder is abandonment and emptiness and struggling with that and dating and meeting someone new this sort of glowing excitement that some of the answers may be out there really gets folks attached to it it's completely normal it's not something to beat yourself up about it's not something to shame yourself or hold self contempt for this is part of that bpd component and we're going to talk about a more adaptive way that when you meet someone and you're building intimacy that there's a more adaptive way to do that and your bpd dating book of love has four chapters we are going to go through each chapter right and you're gonna go through each chapter with this person right that you just met hey as though you're reading a great book chapter by chapter and you're not going to skip to the middle where you know all the characters and the plot thickens and the drama is highest because if you do this this sends you back to the old bpd dating cycle and you're trying to break it if you're watching this video you're you are challenged by it's creating dissonance that distance is driving you to spend your time watching me which is great but it's about doing things differently and that is what what we want to do now going chapter by chapter this as i mentioned helps you build intimacy makes your love story deeper more genuine and more heartfelt that's exactly what bpd folks want that's what they're going for a lot of them are lovers and romantics right they're things like that they have these very lofty romantic views and ideals and things like that they're just you know mired with all of this dependency and fear and doubt because in many times because of their past experiences because of what they've been through because they've gotten that sense of abandonment throughout their life because they hold on to this component of emptiness and you know the way i phrase that doesn't mean that it's a choice for them it's something they feel inside you know so let's let's keep going forward okay so when you do this when you go chapter by chapter you're more likely to get your affectional needs met your attachment is more likely to be stable that's we want we want to move more towards a secure attachment and you can build a greater sense of control over yourself and the course of your relationship and that's what we want so let's get started let's read our book of love here we go so chapter one this is the meet and greet chapter right here is where you engage in small talk i'm sure you hate small talk but it's important a lot of my clients like small talk sucks it's so disingenuous and all this stuff but recognize small talk has has its components it has a need to it it serves a purpose okay now it slowly opens both of you to learning about each other right if you jump to chapter four it's too much too soon and the whirlwind begins that's not what we want right a lot of folks that i work with they're like i don't even know how to do small talk well i'm gonna help you how to do small talk let's go all right what you want to do is you want to ask questions here's some basic small talk questions and some of the answers may actually be kind of interesting right such as what are your favorite books movies vacations like where do you always want to go why would you want to go there that's cool you know whatever it is right wherever they want to go learn more about it find out more about it whatever their favorite book is what is it about that book if you haven't read it say oh maybe i should check that out you know and so on and so forth now you're learning about each other exploring each other right where did they grow up where did they go to school resist that inner voice critiquing you as you talk see that little voice kind of pops out and says you're so boring i don't know if yours goes but right but it goes you know you know he or she is so disinterested in you you know how could you ask such a banal question first of all it's not it's about learning about folks don't get caught up in that inner voice that inner voice is your ppd talking to you and tricking you into thinking that this is a negative interaction it is not it is a healthy and appropriate one and chapter one is an appropriate place to be now as that voice kind of pops out you want to focus on the person you're talking to not that inner voice push that inner voice away push it into the into the background right you know find a hole in your mind and just drop it in there you don't need to listen to it right now get out of there right avoid one-word answers and elaborate and stay on topic a lot of times a lot of folks with bpd will shut down or become over-sexualized right but when they shut down they start giving one-word answers because now they have that inner voice it's critiquing them and now they're getting nervous and now all of this these maladaptive beliefs behaviors and patterns are kicked off i want you to fight and resist that listen to the person speaking to you you know try to connect with them doing this small talk talking about what they're interested in learning about them that's so so important also in chapter one you don't talk about your trauma you don't talk about negative topics right people are things you hate or your family a lot of folks with ppd if they start talking about their family goes down a pretty dark road pretty fast okay so don't do that don't talk about those negatives talk about more positive things also don't talk about your triggers and emotional buttons don't talk about those things avoid telling stories of hard times struggles and those who did you wrong right this is small talk small talk is keeping it simple and easy breezy that's chapter one you're gonna keep it easy breezy right you don't have to go into you know all the deep darks aspects of your life you don't have to right and you know that person doesn't have to either this is the easy breezy chapter all right go to chapter two this is a character exploration and here you wanna know more about the other person their greater depth about them and you can share more about yourself here as well now this is a great time to go on that date right or have an experience together such as like a walk a hike coffee whatever it may be i assume people still do that i haven't dated in over 20 years so i don't know if it's the same but maybe it is okay so right now some chapter two questions right did you make a date or were they there on time right do they seem to do what they say and say what they do consistency is important here you want to know that if you're going to spend your time which is valuable is this person showing you those basic positive components which is right i do what i say and say what i do do they seem to be blowing you off do they seem to make backhanded comments things like that now recognize that your bpd is going to be receptive to those backhanded comments they're going to be receptive to you being put on the periphery or secondary things like that and you have to resist that you deserve someone's attention you deserve someone who does what they say and says what they do i'll get it out okay so don't and don't talk yourself out of it now it doesn't mean like things can't happen right it doesn't mean like you know the person on the way you know to pick you up they get a flat tire people get flat tires or that you know they couldn't call you because they were late because their cell phone ran out of batteries cell phones are not our battery okay so it's important to remember those things but do they apologize do they seem sincere do they value your time your opinion that is so important and you're in chapter two this is where you're doing that character exploration is this person worth more of my time also what's important is can you disagree about the little things without it getting going really south without getting way out of control and really really messy right can this other person manage their temper really important right what did what did their stories tell you about him or her right are their stories really pessimistic are they very negative are they very hateful are they what's the theme of their stories is it about i've always been rejected is it about i've always been hurt is it about remember you don't have a cape at least i don't know if if you wear a cape i don't know why you're wearing a cape but um but right you're not a superhero your job is not to save them or change them it's not your job that's their job as adults if we want to change we have to do it someone else can't do it for us okay so also right we're looking at themes is it kindness is it dreams is it hope loss fear hate neglect what is it that's what we want to know what is their theme okay and what they talk about tells you who they are what are their themes that tells you about them take this data explore this data you're just in chapter two right we've got two more chapters to go okay also right do you have to justify their statements to make them into the person you want do you say oh well such and such didn't mean this you shouldn't be having to make excuses for these folks in chapter two right you shouldn't have to make excuses for anybody but in chapter two particularly you just met this person right you're just kind of building that intimacy hey for example let's say they hate dogs you love dogs and you say well he's not met my dog yet don't make excuses to be close to them now that you know write their character don't do that right now that you know their character let's say that it's working out right they seem nice they seem cool they're respectful they do what they say and say what they do right let's see how you connect and this is where chapter three where it gets physical all right i don't know if you ever heard that olivia newton-john song if not you can google it on youtube and it's called let's get physical by olivia newton-john and uh that's chapter three let's get physical all right i'm not going to sing for you you're welcome so physical connection is so important now does the other person accept your desires interests and peccadillos without judgment everybody's got a peccadillo everybody's got a little strange thing that you like that you're into or anything like that and that's fine you shouldn't be judged for it right and if they're judging you for it you need to close your book and return it to the library because this isn't somebody for for for you to spend your time with you you don't deserve to be humiliated by the things that that you like particularly if they're not hurting anyone else that's really really important right do you feel safe and comfortable with this person right if so why if not why we want to explore that are they good to you physically do they pay attention to your physical needs as well physical contact is a two-way street right and a lot of times folks with bpd are tend to be more of physical givers and not physical receivers so it's important though to recognize that it is a two-way street okay that part of those healthy relationships is that two-way street and you want to be true to yourself right true to yourself is priority number one and just because you make it to chapter three doesn't mean you have to finish the book it doesn't mean that you have to be with them for the rest of your life it doesn't mean that and not every relationship is going to be successful you are going to have more relationships that are unsuccessful than are successful that that's that's just that's just life that's just how it is that's how it goes for everybody and it's important to realize that okay resist that fear of abandonment try to manage that sense of emptiness these core content issues that drive a lot of that surface structure behavior try to manage these things as best you can now let's say that your chapter three is boring hurtful and doesn't really fit it's okay like i said to return it to the library right then you don't need to hang on to it right don't sell yourself on the idea that because you've been with this person for so long that you have to finish it because you don't right and it's important that your time is valuable right we never get to relive another day or experience so we want to make it as positive as we can as strong and emphasizing of who we are and to help us move forward and manage our stuff so when we get to chapter four which we're going to talk about now this is the intimacy level intimacy is more than physical closeness it's building a sense of knowledge about the other person and yourself and where you fit into their life and where they fit into yours you shouldn't have to change who you are to fit into their life that's not healthy that's not what we want bpd folks do that a lot is that what they try to do is they try to bend and squeeze themselves into someone else so they fit into a relationship that hopefully will fix their sense of abandonment and emptiness but that it doesn't work that way that that's not how it works in all of my clients the way we deal with abandonment emptiness and other core content issues is for them to be empowered for them to challenge that in chapter four this intimacy this is about right accepting yourself respecting yourself your past experiences your hurts your pains and things like that this is something that if forced cannot be sustained you can't sustain fake intimacy it just doesn't last it all dissolves to dust sooner or later right now our world is crying out for intimacy absolutely okay and we confuse it with chapter three we confuse the sense of intimacy with physical connection and what happens is you think well if we can be more physical then we'll be more intimate then we'll be more connected and then i won't feel abandoned i won't feel empty that that that isn't true that that's not how this works and you know you may have experienced that you may have wondered that as well it is important that we foster connection acceptance disagreement disagreements gonna happen right how do you manage those disagreements particularly people that you're intimate with that you're connected to you're supposed to disagree how do you disagree is it healthy is it unhealthy does it turn violent does it turn aggressive does it turn dismissing right if you don't agree with them or like well get out of here you know stuff like that that's would be really scary if you have an internal issue of abandonment and emptiness and that person that you have to agree with them all the time otherwise they say get out of here i mean that that's not healthy because then you're constantly getting your core content triggered which is driving you to engage in maladaptive patterns that are unhealthy and self-destructed but that is part of what bpd does that's why this book of love these steps are so good and so healthy for you to do and the last thing that i want to say in regards to chapter four is that you shouldn't have to make excuses for them rationalize their behavior and wish they were someone else or that you feel that you can change them as i said earlier you're not going to change anybody it is their choice to change and they have to genuinely want to change even if they're on the narcissistic personality or spectrum even if they're on the borderline personality sort of spectrum or any other spectrum that's out there they have to make the choice to do things differently you can't do it for them and i hope that you found this helpful i hope you enjoyed the four chapters that we discussed you know if you want you know listen to this video a few times incorporate these things you know add it to your perspective for when you meet somebody and see how it works and please leave some comments you know it would be really great i did start another channel if you want to go check that out it's more on optimism it's on options on creating positive things in your life and how to do that so check that out that would be great and please like share and subscribe and i wish you all the best thank you very much take care bye

Channel: Dr. Daniel Fox

Views: 76,854

Keywords: bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, borderline relationships, bpd, bpd relationships, bpd symptoms, bpd treatment, depression, dr fox, dr fox personality, mental health, mental illness, narcissistic personality disorder, personality disorders, psychology, treatment for bpd, borderline, toxic relationships, better relationships, stages of dating, dating mistakes to avoid, dating mistakes, love, dating, dating advice, dating tips, online dating, book of love, passion

Id: 4xa28ECKnys

Length: 21min 8sec (1268 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 23 2021