BPD Splitting and How to Manage It

[Music] hi my name is dr. Daniel Fox and I'm a licensed psychologist in the state of Texas and an expert in the area of personality disorders and today I wanted to make a video on splitting now this is something that is often only attributed to borderline personality disorder but the reality is that you actually do see it in individuals that have narcissistic personality disorder as well as antisocial personality disorder now when we see it in narcissistic personality disorder usually see it in the split is usually that the individual with the narcissism tends to see themselves as superior and great and wonderful so that's the extreme and they see everyone else as stupid so that's where that split is for antisocial folks you tend to see the antisocial individual well they tend to see themselves as very powerful and then everyone else is very weak so that's that's typically where you see the split in that case but this video is going to specifically address splitting in those with borderline personality disorder okay so let's get started so what splitting is is that it is a protective mechanism that folks with with borderline personality disorder that they tend to fall into or use when they get a sense of rejection or fear so they use this splitting to avoid being hurt okay they tend to see things as all good or all bad people are either angels or demons saviors or torturers and this viewpoint tends to vacillate a lot so it can change for example with a lot of the clients that I work with that follow along that borderline personality disorder continuum there are times that they really hate me and they can't stand me and and and they tell me and that's fine because I recognize that it is part of the process and then there's other times where they love me and they appreciate me and they and they really idealize me so so that's where that split is for these folks is how they see others and how they tend to interpret certain moves that the individual makes or failure to follow through on expectations so in individuals of the word life personality disorder they tend to be very hyper focused so they're very hyper focused on verbals and nonverbals and anytime that someone else may stray from that expectancy of what they expect that other individual to do whether it's a therapist friend mother sister brother cousin whoever it may be when that doesn't fall doesn't meet those expectations they tend to see that person is all bad and then when that person does follow through on those expectations they tend to see them as all good so they're the angel or they're the demon but it causes a lot a lot of problems and issues and were going to talk about that we're also going to talk about techniques on how to manage this and deal with this as well so the problem with splitting is that it distorts how you see the world right so because what it does is instead of seeing the world like this it makes it very narrow and you can imagine that it is a protective device that that would make sense right so if I can simplify all of the variables down to two which is trying to read someone trust them all and understand someone manage behaviors but if I can break it down to two that might make me feel safe in a way it's empowering for a lot of folks but also confusing and if you know someone or perhaps you have been diagnosed with borderline personality order that makes a lot of sense and then I feel a sense of power but yet confusion so the confusion makes me feel powerful but the powerful isn't the same type of powerful that makes me feel safe because I feel unsafe and this tends to make a lot of sense to to my clients who fall on this on the spectrum and perhaps it does for you as well so by limiting limiting this you write they tend to lose different opportunities and this view and the part of why it why it is there if I just just address that again is that because you're only seeing through that limited view and the view is typically sort of distorted by certainly the borderline personality order but other components as well anxiety fear anger sadness and what happens is is that it distorts your beliefs your thoughts and your feelings and you become overwhelmed and then it feels easier to just split okay to say that everything is all good and everything is all bad and what happens is that all this anxiety is its building up and pushing you forward and pushing you and you're splitting these individuals how you perceive them different situations things of that nature with all that anxiety what happens is if built it builds this bubble and that bubble eventually pops and when the bubble pops that's when a depressive state typically occurs right because human beings cannot maintain that high level of anxiety so once we have that at level of anxiety for so long it pops and then we end up in the depressive state so you see this sort of go over and over again and splitting can it can be a really a main component of this and what also happens in relationships with individuals that have borderline personality disorder is that the relationships end up sort of breaking up prematurely in treatment I've seen splitting has ended therapeutic relationships prematurely now sometimes those individuals will will sort of realize you know well well maybe he's not that bad you know they may go to another therapist and realize you know what comparatively he he really wasn't that bad in some cases they may they feel that way and then splitting right what the splitting want you to do is it wants you to think that all mistakes are intentional okay and we know that that isn't true splitting also wants you to think that it is directed to cause you some type of pain okay that that the reason why people aren't meeting your expectations doing what you expect them to do and the reason why you see them is so malicious is that it's that sense and loss of safety and control and that splitting fees into it and the reason why that I sort of referred to it as a separate entity is because I like my clients to see it as something separate it may feel part of your borderline personality disorder but when I work with folks what I want to do is I want them to develop this sense of personality the sense of self outside of their borderline personality because sometimes folks they get really locked into that sense of self and they define themselves by their borderline personality and that's a hard thing to do because if you see yourself as borderline personality it's hard to see yourself any other way and in in my clients we work to do that we work to grow beyond that borderline personality this were and I hope that that makes sense to you but what I what I want to do is I want to challenge you a little bit is to ask yourself what if all behavior has a probability of success and failure that instead of splitting and that everything is black or everything is white but that there's a shade of grey that everything has a probability of success and failure now there are certain things that we can do to increase that probability of success and there are certainly things we can do to increase that probability of failure as well so what can we do but when we get into that viewpoint of splitting we lose sometimes we lose our sense of self sometimes we certainly do lose control of the situation okay and it causes us to lose that to utilize our thoughts feelings alright thoughts feelings and behaviors and we lose control of those things and sometimes we end up losing relationships pre prematurely so one of the things that I like to do with with my clients that have a tendency to engage in splitting behaviors is the first thing I want to do is to ask them are you willing to challenge that the belief and that in the world it's not all angels and all demons yet people are not either all good or all bad now I've had some clients let's say absolutely not that's how I function that's how I want to function and I'm not I'm not going to do that it's easier for me to go the other way when I respect that choice that means that you're not at a point where you're ready to challenge that and it's something that we'll revisit as we continue to go to go through the course of treatment and perhaps you know you're you're not willing to do that because part of that may feel unsafe so there are some things to do and if you are at that level that point where you're like well I'm not really ready to challenge my spliting yet because even though it's linked to a lot of anxiety and maybe relationship issues and other types of problems but even sort of those maladaptive patterns still feel safe we still feel connected to them so they're not ready to do that but even so I want you to keep going I want you to keep listening to the video because maybe you'll change your mind as you hear about the technique maybe it's something you'll try once or twice so just just just stick with me and let's let's just keep going so in asking my clients oh can you accept that the world is a shade of gray and if they say well I'm willing to entertain the idea I love it I'm like okay so what we want to do then we want to challenge those thoughts beliefs and emotions right that it is a shade of grey and I like to use chocolate as an example I try to use as much chocolate as I can big chocolate person loved a lot of chocolate so you say okay so if you love chocolate you love everything about chocolate chocolate is all good okay how would you feel about chocolate-covered grasshoppers now some people that have traveled the world have had chocolate-covered grasshoppers and they're okay with it but the majority of folks are a little hesitant about chocolate-covered grasshoppers but can you still have good things with chocolate yes but you may not like chocolate-covered grasshoppers so that's that shade of grey so it's kind of having that understanding if that sounds weird it's just something that I want you to think about next time you see a chocolate bar in the grocery store or you're about to eat one or you're eating something that chocolate say okay this is on my gradient of all good or all bad so something to realize but we're not done we're gonna keep going so what I want you to do is write is that when you get this sense that you're about to split I want you to stop and assess your perceptions assess what's going on around you before you take them is all true or all false be aware of those splitting terms that that that are in your head all none never the extreme terms okay that we all hold on to and those that have attempted to split use them every day multiple times so when you hear those those extreme terms I want you to stop and evaluate the situation try to get try to take off those splitting glasses and see the world does it really is see it as that shade of grey see it the chocolate is a wonderful thing but maybe you're not into chocolate grasshoppers try to see it in that way okay now there's we're gonna take another step further with this and I want you to think of a situation right that you tend to split in right and determine whether it falls on this continuum and this continuum right which I'll show here which is all good or all bad and where does this fall very few things fall at the far end of of this extreme so when you're assessing a situation right I want you to take in those factors it's in the environment that supports it but also what negates it yeah so if you're like well you know dr. Fox is all good and that's great if you think that but right so if I'm all good but what are some factors right that maybe I'm not all good that I'm a fallible person that sometimes I may I may make mistakes and this is stuff that my clients and I that we talk about and that we process and it's something that we work on and it's something so someone who you feel is all good or all bad what would move them more towards the center what would move them more to that shade of gray away from that sensation of splitting okay so when we do that we want to evaluate these situations as much as we can and as clear-headed as we can okay so before we're triggered catch those words all right catch those extreme splitting words that are that are in your head okay slow down and reevaluate the situation and what I'm going to do is I'm going to put a PDF as well as a picture of this of this scale that's all good to all bad so that you can download it maybe put it on your phone print it out keep it at work keep it anywhere to remind you about staying in that shade of grey about that continuum that's there there's also some questions that I put on there as well one is right about where do your beliefs thoughts and feelings fall so you can reassess that what makes them less good and all bad okay and then explore with a clear mind so a little reminder okay for you for you to have as well okay that that clear mind is going to help us see that what is in in that middle that middle part of the world in which we live that shade of gray okay I do recognize that splitting becomes a habit and that hold habits are hard to grow out of I certainly understand that and you know like splitting it's gonna be hard to get out of that habit but you can do it by slowing down recognize it just the techniques that I just mentioned using this scale that you can do that and get yourself this continuum of balance and this continuum cessation of giving yourself this greater sense of control because I know that you can do it it's possible that you can do it okay and what you'll find is that you'll have more balanced thoughts feelings beliefs and behaviors over the course of time okay and what what I want to do with all my clients is empower them with a sense of growth and encouragement or they can grow beyond their BPD it's not something that they have to carry with them forever that it's something that they can shed like a skin and grow beyond it Hey so keep cute I want you to keep this continuum with you I want you to download it check it out use it as much as possible please be patient this is a skill you're unlearning splitting it may have been with you for a long period of time so it may take a little while for you to grow beyond it for you to develop another skill and it's something that you can do this is something I've had great success with with a lot of my clients and working on lessening the frequency of splitting challenging some of those splitting thoughts beliefs that that the folks have to grow beyond it and something that you absolutely can do thank you I appreciate you taking your time to listen and watch the video I'd love to hear any comments that maybe you've had with splitting and how you manage it how it appears in your life because I've noticed that other people are reading comments on my videos as well and I think that it is helpful for other folks to see that as well again thank you very much please subscribe to my channel if you like the videos that I'm putting out there and I appreciate all your time as always and please don't forget that you should have hope about your borderline personality disorder that you can grow beyond it that you can empower yourself and make good and healthy choices you really can so I want to say thank you again and I hope you have a great day thanks bye-bye

Channel: Dr. Daniel Fox

Views: 400,191

Rating: 4.9402509 out of 5

Keywords: bpd, personaity disorder, borderline personality, borderline personality disorder, splitting, therapy, black and white thinking, bpd splitting, borderline, quiet borderline personality disorder, living with borderline personality disorder, impulsive, mental health disorders, mental illness (disease or medical condition), manage splitting, daniel fox personality, daniel fox personality disorders, bpd splitting cycle, bpd splitting relationships, bpd splitting how long does it last

Id: _iTin96PdX8

Length: 17min 5sec (1025 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 04 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/PdexpertPhD]

Citation: Oldham, J.M, et al. (2010). Practice Guideline for The Treatment of Patients with Borderline Personality Disorder. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.

[u/hultgrenyo]

Thank you for this!

[u/[deleted]]

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