Re-thinking cheating - MY TAKE ON IT

hey guys and welcome back to my channel so today I'm not gonna be featuring any fan art because I have an ongoing poll I think there's a day left so please check it out if you haven't yet about what we're gonna do about the fan art situation I'll leave the link to that specific poll in the description anyways let's get on with the video I was sent this article by cosmopolitan by multiple people this article is called eight reasons why you should rethink your stance on cheating so I'm just gonna say it right here don't sue me Cosmo but for real what is up with the [ __ ] you've been posting lately the incense thing now this what why just why so your it says psychotherapist and a relationship expert Esther Perel thinks we'd be a lot better off if we weren't so hard on infidelity okay so basically this therapist pearl has heard a lot of people's experiences with cheating so she wrote a book about it okay cool so she recently sat down to answer some questions on her views and here are eight key reasons why we should all relax our views on infidelity a little bit from probably the foremost scholar on cheating that the world has to offer I have a feeling I'm about to get very angry we'll see if I end up being right but number one it affects probably everyone you know at one point during her talk pearl asked the audience to raise your hands if they've experienced infidelity any capacity nearly the entire audience raised their hands / l said acknowledging how common cheating is is an important step in breaking down the taboo that exists around it in US culture look I don't care what kind of study you're doing it does not matter that a lot of people are doing it to make it okay like there's a reason it's taboo it's because it hurts and arranges children trust I'm one of them and sometimes people come out unharmed from it whether it's your parents your seeing any other sometimes it [ __ ] you up a lot so let's not undermine that also there are a lot of people that go around murdering are we gonna try and take off the tembu from that - hmm number two cheating is way more complicated than most people think she said that you can't summarize it in black and white and that it can't be a good person in bad person this conversation is wrong she said that thinking that there's this right or wrong leads to a misunderstanding of cheating the narrative that a cheater is a bad person and the person who was cheated as a victim erases all the emotions and experiences that play into a decision to cheat and by better understanding all those things people are likely to take a compassionate approach to infidelity rather than prematurely cutting a person out of their lives because of it look if if you want a relationship where you can be with other people be in a polyamorous relationship the problem is that the term cheating implies that there was an understanding or an agreement that these two people are whatever amount of people in this relationship we're gonna only be with each other that's why it's called cheating because you set boundaries and someone crossed them so if you want to take away the taboo from cheating don't be a cheater and just being a polyamorous relationship so then you can have sex with whoever and it's not a big deal I don't understand why we're trying to change how the monogamous relationship works just being another type of relationship if you can't be monogamous I don't understand why we have to rethink cheating and honestly I'm kind of the type of person who thinks cheating is black and white I think also because I my parents had a whole thing with that I in me not seeing or speaking to one parent for over 15 years so as someone who's you know a child of a relationship where that happened I can say that it's [ __ ] horrible and it doesn't it's not black and white in the sense that one's a victim who never did anything bad and the other ones like the most horrible person in the world the only black and white thing is one cheated one dinner that's all I see I don't think that there's a huge moral judgment that I make about you if you cheat I'm gonna say yeah you [ __ ] up yeah you did some one thing wrong you probably destroyed someone's feelings you might give them issues trust in people I don't think you're the worst person in the world but I do think that you probably have some issues you need to figure out so three says treating cheating people with shame only hurts people more Pearl said the judgmental nature with which people in this culture approach cheating is ultimately harmful to the people who've experienced it people can tell you they're divorced they will not tell you that have experienced infidelity / Elson this becomes one of the most isolating experiences this is bad for a couple of reasons it hurts people who stand to benefit from talking about something happening in their life and it diminishes the possibility of working through infidelity as a couple I agree and disagree because okay I know that people are always telling me don't shame people for doing this don't shame people for doing that there has to be a line where we say this is not okay and you should be ashamed of yourself for doing it the same way that once someone murders someone I'm not gonna go out and be like hey don't shame them they murdered someone that hurts their feelings no I don't give a [ __ ] okay so if you cheated I'm not gonna say that you're the worst person in the universe do I think you should be ashamed of yourself for doing that for hurting someone's feelings for possibly hurting a child if there's a child in the mix yeah you should be ashamed of yourself however I do think that there shouldn't be shame for the person who suffered it cuz a lot of the times I do think that some of the blame is put on the person with that like the other person being like oh clearly you weren't doing X Y or Z for them clearly you weren't satisfying them in bed clearly X Y Z and I don't like that at all because when someone cheats they cheated they made that choice if they had a problem with something you did they have to come talk to you or if they want to sleep with other people they break up with you or you guys decide to be in a polyamorous relationship I do think that that's quite simple for cheating is hardly ever about sex I never thought it was only about sex but okay one of the big motivators / Elsie's for cheating has nothing to do with simply wanting to have sex with someone else because you think they're attractive she says that what you're doing is reconnecting with parts of your lost parts of yourself with a different version of you with a sense of aliveness even though you may have not gone about trying to figure out what you're missing in your relationship in the not-so kindest way that cheating could be an indicator of what it might be yeah definitely agree I think cheating is an indicator of what the hell you know is missing is wrong yeah I don't think you need to get to the point of cheating though to realize that something is wrong there are things like therapy there are things like taking a break and taking time to think there are things such as mature adult conversation to be like hey I feel like this do you feel this way what do you think it might be like it doesn't have to get to that extent so to say that like I think I feel like this is kind of positioning cheating as like oh it'll help you figure things out about yourself you don't need cheating to do that though so no if I have an affair can be without any sex at all yeah I also already knew that so okay pearl said that you have to rethink cheating when you're when you're what you're experiencing is an experience of desire she said affairs are not about sex Affairs are about desire for connection for intensity for physical touch for feeling alive you have a whole affair with no sex and it is just as intense as passion if you had actually had the act it is more enchantment than performance all the more reason not to judge someone else's situation just because you're not having sex it doesn't mean people can't judge your situation though I mean you didn't have sex but emotional I think honestly I think a lot of the times emotional fairs are a lot worse because there's like that connection whereas I feel like sex could just be like animal instinct or whatever you want to call it either of them are okay but I think I would personally be more hurt by an emotional thing just because you desire someone in a moment in multiple moments for a long time if you're about someone else it's just as simple as breaking it off or deciding to be polyamorous I don't know why if you know that you can't be with one person you would even be in a monogamous relationship but let's say you didn't know until you started dating this girl then you're like wow I'm feeling all this type of crap for Shelly well fine so you got to tell your girlfriend hey I want to bang Shelly and be with Shelly or you got to figure things out because effectively there is a way around cheating and it's called not be in a relationship being in a polygamous relationship being in an open relationship there's so many options so why would you get in a monogamous relationship and then be like oh yeah let's change the way we think about cheating just change the relationship you're in like damn I'm not about to change my views about cheating just because you want to be in a monogamous relationship and go bang everyone okay no by the way this has nothing to do with slut-shaming because I know that one person will pop up I don't care who you have sex with I don't care just don't hurt someone's feelings don't avoid it why not okay six jealousy and moderation isn't a bad thing pearl admits that jealousy is by no means a fun feeling but she takes issue with the idea that jealousy is an inherently traumatic experience that's absolutely to be avoided jealousy is part of the erotic self it's so intrinsic to love it reconnected it reconnect people with a part of their erotic self it is part of the erotic the darker corner the erotic completely agree I think that um it's normal to have a bit of jealousy because it is kind of the way that a lot of the times either you prove to someone or to yourself that you really care about them because you know you want them to be yours and obviously there has to be within bounds like it's not supposed to be extreme but a little bit yeah and I completely agree with that I'm not an extremely jealous person but for sure I can be jealous and I do think that that's kind of a way that I show that I do have love for that person seven monogamy can't and shouldn't be assumed Parral credits LGBTQ communities with carrying the conversation around non-monogamy and more realistic freeing approaches to dating she added that conversation around monogamy should be just that a conversation not an assumption who said it's an assumption though in every every relationship that I have heard of from my friends and I've only been in one so I can only speak about one there has been a very specific conversation about hey we're not gonna date other people or hey we're gonna date other people or hey let's just be transparent if we end up dating other people let's talk about it I've never ever heard of a relationship where people start seeing each other and it's assumed without saying anything that it's monogamous I've never heard of that but then again maybe these people are more common I've just never ever heard that ever eight getting over monogamy squeamishness allows people more room to breathe and that freedom can often lead people to feel more comfortable and happy in a relationship and less tempted to cheat or have an affair or lie Parral liken this to the way people only feel and seem want to leave a place when they feel enclosed in it just like no one feels like they need to get air when they're already outside people are less restricted by boundaries in a relationship feel less likely to get some air by seeking freeing experiences else so this is interesting because the whole article you're pretty much being an apologist for cheating and like why it's okay and it's not that big of a deal and you should all just chill yeah number eight you're also saying by stopping being squeamish cheating will be less of an issue which is kind of going against your argument because you're saying that cheating shouldn't be a big deal in the first place you see where the contradiction comes here because you're saying oh we could minimize cheating by doing this though it's just like if you want to minimize cheating then obviously you realize that there's something that's not okay about it right so I mean this comes from cosmopolitan you know like it's the dump of the internet at this point along with tumblr they should get married they'd have like the worst child ever let me know what you guys think about cheating to be quite frank I do have a very biased perspective because like I said I have um kind of been a witness of it in some ways I've had friends being cheated on so I do know what it is like for that person to be cheated on and to be broken and feel horrific so it's very hard for me to want to overly empathize with the cheaters now I can say people make mistakes I can say you know it doesn't automatically make you a [ __ ] person but it means you made a [ __ ] decision and you should feel bad for that [ __ ] decision if you were in a monogamous relationship anyways this always goes back to the argument of the thing that the world wants you to just blindly accept everything whether you think it's good or not and it's just like some things are not meant to be accepted like pedophilia it is not meant to be accepted cheating is not meant to be accepted if you specifically put yourself in a monogamous relationship so the kind this was annoying anyways guys let me know what you think about this let me know if you've experienced anything that is relevant to this and anyways I'll see you in the next video [Music] [Music] [Music]

Channel: READY TO GLARE

Views: 113,569

Rating: 4.967257 out of 5

Keywords: infidelity, cheating, cosmo, cosmopolitan, magazine

Id: AiO74ZgXKoE

Length: 13min 15sec (795 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 18 2017