r/AmiTheA**Hole For BLOCKING Abusive Birthmother Out Of Adopted Daughter's Life?

g'day there guys relying on my morning coffee for that sweet serotonin hit here back at it again with another episode of r slash am i the a-hole now if you love today's content sit back relax chuck a like on the video and tell me what you think of it down in the comments also if you're looking for another sexy australian voice to butter your bread then head on over to jay mick little pop-up on the top right of the screen should take you directly to his latest video posted by user smackdown 94. titled am i the a-hole for blocking my adopted daughter's birth mother [Music] i have an adopted daughter let's call her mimi she's 11 now and i adopted her when she was 7. she was a foster placement with me and my husband at the time since she was five my ex-husband and i have joined 50 50 custody of her and she has a wonderful stepmother and me and her father typically co-parent very amicably mimi's birth mother kelsey fake name lives nearby but has spent nearly all of mimi's life strung out to the point of total incoherency when we first adopted mimi we were very supportive of kelsey having supervised visitation and we made an effort to invite her to all of mimi's big events as mimi very much loved her birth mother and wanted kelsey in her life kelsey has proven time and time again that she either doesn't care enough about mimi to show up devastating my daughter or will show up high and become belligerent or pass out which is traumatic for mimi to witness two years ago kelsey disappeared mimi slowly stopped asking about her and it felt like our lives could move on last week we were contacted by kelsey's current boyfriend who told us kelsey wanted to visit with mimi i told her i would only allow it if kelsey contacted me personally and we could set up an official supervised visitation schedule through mimi's caseworker kelsey messaged me on facebook to call me a controlling [ __ ] who stole her daughter told me that i'm a racist piece of crap mimi is not the same race as i am and that i'm depriving mimi of knowing about her racial roots which is not true i blocked her and told my ex to block her as well and not entertain her my ex is saying that i'm an a-hole for riding kelsey off and that i am depriving mimi of a link to her ethnicity and her birth family i view it as protecting mimi from an unstable woman i have not told mimi and my ex wouldn't involve mimi she's too young but am i the a-hole for what i did no if she's not changed as a person and controlled her addictions and destructive habits that is no environment for mimi to be exposed to especially when she was abandoned by this birth mother the father the real father isn't in the picture and in most normal cases the birth mother would not have any contact really to the kid especially in the state that she's in it's so destructive to her op has been doing her a favor by letting her see the child she is doing no favors to this family she is doing no favors to this child by continuing to act the way she is and i don't blame opie for blocking her not the a-hole you don't need am i the a-hole you need a family therapist who specializes in foster care and adoption this is extremely complicated and you need and deserve professional support my instinct is that you've made the right call for now but should leave the window open for kelsey to get back in touch later on if she can demonstrate that she's in a better place we do see a family therapist mimi and i to work on some issues mimi has that are tangentially related to her adoption i have been reluctant to mention this to the therapist because i'm worried that if mimi knew she would get her hopes up and get her heart broken again but i will bring it up with our therapist privately and hopefully she can figure me out a path forward here and you're right my intention with blocking kelsey is more to preserve my patient's insanity and not to shut her out forever i think if she does really change for the better then it would only benefit mimi to see someone she loves changing to make mimi's life better that's exactly what i would suggest as a fellow foster parent i think you are doing a great job thank you it's been really difficult to make the right calls i always feel like i'm doing the wrong thing i keep telling myself that birth parents feel this way too but there's just this extra layer of uncertainty i was adopted older at five and my mum adopted mom but my mom allowed us visits with my paternal bio grandparents and it was great to have that connection to blood i could see i got my eye color from my grandpa had certain personality traits from so and so got to hear stories about how my great-grandparents came to america and it was great we would spend one to two weeks at their house every summer and i would cherish those moments but at the same time there's no way my mom would have been okay with us seeing our bio parents one being a severe alcoholic the other with intense schizophrenia that was her job to protect us from them later on when i was 16 she okayed my sister and died to meet our bio dad but only after she talked to him and found out that he'd been sober i decided not to meet but my sister did but wasn't okay with us seeing our bio mum because she was still so sick when my sister was 22 she decided to meet up but mom was right there with her to protect her if needed endure pieces your relationship with your bio grandparents sounds like what my ex and i initially hoped mimi and kelsey would have mimi really is a little clone of kelsey we were excited for her to have as many loving relationships as we could facilitate for her but it does seem like it might turn into a situation like you and your bio dad i don't want to bar kelsey forever i just want her to respect my ex and die as mimi's adoptive dads and be better for her bio daughter i want kelsey to be better the more people love my amazing daughter the better but i just don't want to put mimi in a situation where she's getting her heart broken over and over again updates am i the a-hole for blocking my adopted daughter's bio mother i want to thank everyone who commented on the original post to give me advice i was feeling unsure of myself after my ex sided with kelsey as when we were married he was always the more level-headed partner and i could let my emotions get the best of me i got a lot of reassurance that i was doing the right thing but a lot of people also said i shouldn't block kelsey out forever and if she really was taking steps to be better for mimi that i should allow her supervised visits i fully agreed with that and had been planning to unblock kelsey and facetime with her hoping i could better discuss my response before and we could hopefully talk face to face over face time not in person important notes i'm not a woman i'm a man i didn't mention it before because it literally didn't matter but it will matter so i thought i'd make that clear my ex and i are both bisexual cis men i am not currently dating anyone men or woman so kelsey did end up contacting my ex he texted with her because he was against blocking her out she was incredibly kind to him and their messages and seemed very level-headed and genuinely reformed from her old ways but after asking my ex if we could work out a schedule where she had supervised visits and then one day could have unsupervised visits she dropped a bomb that exploded her chances of ever being able to see mimi again she told my ex that i was an f got to my ex-husband said she preferred talking and dealing with him because he divorced me and married a woman my ex-husband may be thick-headed but he's not an a-hole so he blocked her then we met up that day so he could show me the screenshots and discuss our moves going forward and we were unanimous we won't allow our daughter who loves having two dads and a stepmom to be around a homophobic person so that's that i also privately brought up the issue with our family therapist and she helped me address the issue and my reasons with mimi in our session that week mimi was disappointed to hear what had happened but not surprised my heart breaks for my daughter and i wish none of this had happened but i'm astounded by her maturity and resilience she's such a strong young lady we are also looking into revising our custody schedule so that mimi can spend an extra weekend at her father's a month as she was interested in expanding the time spent with her stepmother who is the same race as mimi thank you again for taking the time to give me advice and well i guess in the end it didn't matter she made the choice easier by dropping a slur and showing her true colors what can you do it sounds like the birth mother is a toxic person which is certainly a reason to keep her away from mimi you tried to incorporate her into mimi's life but she obviously doesn't care about mimi great job op i really tried hard i'm always going to be hopeful that kelsey can continue to make more positive changes in her life i don't even ask that she reforms her opinion about gay folks though i wish she would i just need her to be able to refrain from bad talking mimi's dads in front of mimi at the bare minimum i wanted to work it out but she just made it really difficult i honestly feel like until she thanks you honestly she hasn't reformed i'm not just patting you on the back i mean if she honestly saw what she did was wrong then she would have understood what a bad environment she would have made for her daughter maybe have awareness of how bad that environment was for herself so mimi could have gotten really hurt if she realized that she would be saying she's glad you were there and someone who is willing to keep her in her daughter's life if she keeps showing any hatred or disdain for you then she sounds narcissistic and there is nothing positive she can give mimi you know i always counsel people not to block others blocking doesn't stop this kind of crazy it only channels it elsewhere i'd rather have this crazy woman send me the occasional message that i can respond to or ignore and at least be aware that she has resurfaced then to suddenly pull up to my house and she's camping in the backyard keep her out of your lives but make sure you have your eyes on her you're very right this is actually a huge fear of mine it feels a bit like damned if i do and if i don't kind of situation i will be keeping my eyes peeled though if you haven't yet make sure you get security cameras around your house and maybe warn mimi's school if and when she's there in person again also make sure your ex has them even if she's being nicer to him posted by user another wedding post titled am i the a-hole for not allowing my friends to bring her service animal guide dog to my wedding yes we've covered this but there's an update i 28 female will be getting married in september i have a blind friend who relies mostly on her guide dog the dog obviously has access rights to all places now i'm in a sticky situation and i can sense that i will be the a-hole i have three chronic illnesses that i take 23 pills a day for severe asthma and you guessed it an extremely severe dog allergy usually when i meet with my friends we meet in the open and i take two allergy pills however because of all the other medication i take these pills make me extremely drowsy to the point where i am officially not allowed to drive and i usually crash as soon as i get home from our get-togethers our wedding will be very intimate i.e we will be in relatively small rooms i feel horrible about this but i don't think i can let my friend bring her dog it just wouldn't work i talked about it with my fiance and some friends finally i talked to my friend about it explained the situation and said i would love for her to come but she can't bring her dog i said that four of our mutual friends had offered to be on a roster and desist her should she need it alternatively if she's not comfortable with this she could bring a person of her choosing to the wedding or i would pay for a professional aid for the day i think it's important to note that her dog is not for any additional issues like seizures or anything like that unfortunately she was less than happy with my suggestions she accused me of being ableist and thinking her disability can be switched off for the day i understand that what i asked was a lot and it is a difficult topic i told her to tell me if she changes her mind and i would be happy to make arrangements but i won't budge and i support opie in doing that they have given the friend so many different options and the friend is shooting them all down because she's steadfast on bringing the dog and it's in a closed environments where the dog is going to severely impact opie on her wedding day a very important day for op i feel like this is one of those situations where op has the right to not let that friend come to the wedding if she is going to be steadfast about the dog and the friend should just give up the dog for one day and accept help from someone else that can do just as much as the dog can as unfortunate as that is opie not the a-hole update am i the a-hole for not allowing my friend to bring her service animal guide dog to my wedding some of you may remember my post well since then i've gotten married we decided to get married sooner than we planned because the situation was good where we live and we didn't want to risk having to cancel if numbers spike before i took your advice and called my friend i explained how severe my allergies are once again and told her how i really want to be able to enjoy my wedding day i apologized for making suggestions and not simply asking her and said she is welcome to bring up any ideas that would help her being able to attend she told me she still wanted to that do not include her dog she was adamant that it was her dog or nothing while disappointed i was prepared for that and told her that that would not be possible and that she will be missed at the wedding we sent out the new invitations with the new date and simply didn't invite her so technically she wasn't uninvited one of our mutual friends that are in the wedding told me that she'd asked them not to attend in solidarity but luckily they all thought that was ridiculous we had a beautiful wedding and spent our honeymoon in the flinders ranges which i can only recommend as for my friends i'm open to reconciliation but she will have to make the first step so that's it while it didn't go as i hoped it would i'm still in a happy place now enjoying my life as a married woman just a question how are you able to be friends with her outside of your wedding if she has a guide dog surely it accompanies her wherever she goes were you exclusively friends online or via phone and opi says we've been friends long before she got her dog how do you even become friends with someone who has a guide dog if you're super allergic not trying to be rude just curious seems she would have it with her at all times we've been friends for a long time she's only had the dog for a little while x10 says i do remember your original post it did get me heated as someone with allergies i was very angry that somehow allergies that could kill someone were not as equal to a physical disability that required external assistance particularly because i also have a lot of allergies and have gone through many moments in life where people don't believe me fortunately mine is not near as dangerous as yours so happy to hear that your wedding went off without a problem i'm sorry your friend refused to see things from another perspective than her own it's good that you're ready to accept an olive branch should she choose to extend it but it is also fair in my opinion that she should be the first i do hope this friendship can be mended but maybe some friendships are simply not meant to be and perhaps it is safer that you do not possess a friendship that both endangers you and downplays the dangers of your own allergies congrats on getting married and best wishes for your future as a married woman posted by user am i the a-hole throw away and numbers that i'm not going to read titled would i be the a-hole for calling the cops on my mum potentially getting her deported hi reddits throwaway accounts because i don't want this linked to my main my mom 45 female came to the us from southern mexico with my dad 47 male when they were teens and a couple of years after that they had me 25 male because i was born here i am a citizen but my parents were still undocumented until they went to dhaka and obtained green cards one of the conditions of it is that you can't be convicted of a crime my mom has always been a narcissist making everything about herself i basically raised myself as she wasn't always there and my dad worked a ton to provide for us bless his soul when i was in high school i asked my mom to drive me and my girlfriend to senior prom and she agreed but backed out on the day of causing us to be an hour late when i got ticked she called me ungrateful and other names and that i didn't appreciate her this isn't the only incident but it's the one i remember the most when i moved away for college she demanded i called her every day and when i didn't she called the cops for a wellness check after that i went to minimal contact with her recently she called the cops saying that my current girlfriend was abusive which is not true because she never met her and i got extremely ticked off and told her not to contact me again now to the a-hole part i came home from work essential worker and my mom was sitting on my couch i demanded to know how she got in and she said she let herself in with the key under my doormat i told her to get the hell out pretty harshly and she told me dad lost his job and they're going to be homeless soon i told her that i didn't give a frick and to get out after she left i noticed my expensive watch was missing 150 usd my dad got it for me for my graduation and when i asked her about it she said that i owe it to her and that i was her son i demanded she give it back and she said she already sold it would i be the a-hole if i filed a police report on her for this behavior there is a very high chance that she would be deported back to mexico and not have a chance to come back here i don't have much to say on this one it's oh my god i think he would be in all honesty i don't think this is uh an okay situation to be reporting her for this but you do you op edits i have informed her that she has 48 hours to get my watch back or i will go to the police and report her she started crying and told me that she sold it and i told her that she needs to get it back asap she tried to say that their financial state is my fault but i shut her down and told her to get me the watch then i'm going to file a restraining order she started saying something but i hung up my dad later texted me and said that i hurt my mom and i told him that she brought this upon herself also i'll try to respond to comments but i can't get them all added too many people are suggesting i cut her off i've done this before and she found my new phone and address along with some social media i don't want to move because i live in a good part of town for a reasonable price i also can't get my locks changed per apartment rules but i'll try to do it anyway i've also been informed that my dad may have lied about his immigration status as they were too old for darker and it doesn't give green cards another user pointed this out and i texted my dad to call me when he has a chance so i can tell him updates would i be the a-hole for calling the cops on my mum potentially getting her deported hi guys a lot has happened and i've gotten a few requests for updates so here it is first i didn't call the police or request money for the watch but i did tell my mum and dad that if they contacted me again i would report them to the authorities they tried guilt-tripping me but i hung up and blocked them also i found out that my dad had been lying to me about their legal status and they were still undocumented i got mad that he had lied to me and that was one of the reasons i cut contact with him and my mom also to the people who dm'd me saying that my parents weren't bad the prom wasn't the worst part of my childhood just the one that i remembered most i learned how to make simple meals at age 8 as my mum would refuse to make me food also when i was younger and we had no food she would get mad at me when i said i was hungry also she would buy expensive clothes and makeup while i was hungry when i went to friends houses and didn't answer my phone she grounded me for weeks and made everything about her even if it had nothing to do with her some people told me to check if anything else was missing from my apartment and my key was missing to the people who told me to change the locks thank you so much i changed the locks but had to get landlord's approval and gave my neighbor who i'm friends with a key instead of putting one under the mat about two weeks ago my neighbor told me that she had seen someone trying to enter my apartment but the key didn't work i asked for a description of them and guess who it was i unblocked my dad and told him that i'd filed a restraining order against my mother and she had come to my apartment i didn't actually file a restraining order but i haven't seen or heard from them since thank you all for the support i'm probably going to log out of this account soon but thank you did you ever get your watch back i wish but i'd rather not go through the trouble and get them out of my life it's probably for the best i get that it's a gift from your father and it has sentimental value but as you stated i don't think it's worth the headache and by the way you handle the situation really well as another redditor said it's hard to convey what it's like to be raised by a narc neglectful parent especially when there are so many stories and it's a simple part of the backstory a colleague asks me why i don't speak to my parents anymore and anything i said or explained she reacted so patronizing towards really what i told her was so surface level because i've honestly blocked a lot of it out but it's super fudging insulting to be told that your parents weren't that bad when they don't have the full story and never experienced your life i hope things are on the up and up for you op it's really difficult to fully convey what it's like to be raised by a narcissist because they're so good at making you think that their mind games neglect and manipulation aren't as big of a deal as you think they are really glad you stood up for yourself and i hope that you can have some peace from now on i don't see why anyone would judge you as an a-hole in your previous post it sounds like you were trying to get away from parents that treated you like crap and expected to be worshipped in return in all honesty get a proper restraining order even if it means them getting deported they were not positive figures in your life so why give them a chance to especially after everything you've described they've made their bed they're going to lie in it and from a merciful standpoint the sooner the better the longer it drags on the more of a toll it will take on your mental health overall don't risk it on account of them being related by blood and using that against you to get what they want alright guys i hope you enjoyed this video today tell me what you thought of it down in the comments below i'd really love to hear what your opinions are sorry i haven't recorded an outro right now a lot of you guys are complaining about the bearded marquee in the previous episodes i understand that i'm just very lazy thank you for watching to the end though i do appreciate all the support the comments all the constructive criticism also i love it all and i hope you guys are having a good day night sleep whatever you're up to and i'll see in the next episode bye you

Channel: Markee

Views: 30,271

Rating: 4.9519291 out of 5

Keywords: aita, amitheasshole, r/aita, r/amitheasshole, aita reddit, markee, markee reddit, markee aita, markee amitheasshole

Id: LI4z1KLLAXg

Length: 26min 18sec (1578 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 20 2020