Rabid Fox Loose at the Capitol, Biden Punishes Russia for War Crimes & Don't Say Gay in Ohio!

i'm jimmy i'm the host of the show thank you for watching thank you for joining us i see everybody expressed um very casually tonight because it is brutally hot outside it's very hot in hollywood it got up to 90 degrees here today it's april it's not supposed to be 90 in april i'm not ready for bikini season yet are you here mo no no yeah jim my body is not prepared you know there's a lot of activity outside our theater the paparazzi is at defcon one because the kardashian jenners are here tonight this is uh chris courtney kim chloe kendall and kinko is there a kinko the is are here of course to catch us up on uh the ongoing conflict in ukraine and to talk about their new show on hulu their old show as you know was called keeping up with the kardashians the new ones just called the kardashians which is good because i was having trouble keeping up to be honest the old show was on e for i looked this up today 20 seasons which is nuts i mean you can ask anyone at any rate that's too long to be on e also with us tonight future football and party bus hall of famer rob gronkowski is here my plan if all goes well by the end of the night who knows maybe we'll have a second rob in the kardashian family chloe is single right maybe we'll have a chloe gronkowski you know you know kendall's boyfriend devin booker put an end to the laker season last night the suns beat the lakers the super team the lakers assembled to win everything they beat them in phoenix which means they are now officially eliminated from playoff contention which they've lost seven games in a row it's embarrassing laker fans have been wearing their birken bags over their heads for the last two weeks it's been an exceptionally disappointing season at this point really the only thing they could do is claim the season was rigged declare themselves champions and wait for jfk junior to come back from the dead and give them their rings right or maybe and i'm not an expert but since the rest of the season is pointless why not field a team of basketball playing dogs for the rest of that would be fun right all right in washington you know there was a rabid fox on the loose outside the capitol and while it looks pretty happy and friendly six people it bit one woman had to get medical attention until they finally uh got the fox into a cage and shipped it off to guantanamo bay it was quite an event the capitol police tweeted they wrote we have received several reports of aggressive fox encounters on or near the grounds of the u.s capitol for your safety please do not approach any foxes or friends one of the one of the unfortunate invitees was a congressman who said it i felt something lunge totally unprovoked right at the back of my leg and he said it's been the most unusual day on the hill in 10 years and with the exception of all those nut jobs trying to hang mike pence but this was a strong number too but so with this box with rabies running around the bite administration today announced a new new round of sanctions designed to punish russia for their war crimes against ukraine i'm surprised they have any sanctions left this one targets russian banks and two of vladimir putin's adult children would it be something of what finally got putin stop this is his daughter going dad they cut off my credit card you got to do something and can you imagine vladimir as a da as a data mirror i mean it seems like he'd be a very strict father when his kids misbehave instead of their rooms they get sent to siberia [Music] president biden wants russia to be removed from the g20 he's indicated he will not take part in any meetings with them at future summits and no ipad time unless they shape up yesterday joe welcomed his old boss to the white house and that seems to have lightened his mood i mean it's just so outrageous that two trillion dollar tax cut the last guy what was his name anyway the last cop i forgot it he never showed up for the inauguration but anyway god all kidding aside i shouldn't kid obama comes back for one day all of a sudden biden turns into billy crystal he's yucking it obviously please don't leave barack i'm too i hate it here so obama has been busy he's got a new netflix series called our great national parks it came it comes out a week from today and he seems to be having fun with that hey everybody it's your old pal obama join me in this celebration of our planet's greatest national parks and wilderness i know you're going through a lot and i haven't really been in touch but come on look look at these cute animals alpacas huge oh flying monkey super cute i mean come on look at these little guys there's a hippo he's not worried about nuclear war i call this one mitch mcconnell get it because of the net yeah you get it look i won't sugarcoat it the world is going to in a paint bucket but animals aren't worried i mean if that isn't adorable i don't know what it is listen america i'm sorry everything blows but hot damn this otter is precious so join me in this celebration of our planet's greatest national parks and wilderness before everything's on fire and all that's left is strip malls and abandoned blockbuster video stores hey look ted cruz and he looks great twitter yesterday uh i don't know if you heard twitter announced a plan to test something they should have done like 10 years ago which is adding an edit button that way when you're ted cruz and you accidentally post stepmom porn you can add the word oops to the end of it and you'll be fine you know spirit airlines may have a new uh owner soon but in february spirit announced plans to merge with frontier airlines but yesterday jetblue swooped in with a better offer jetblue wants to buy spirit for 3.6 billion dollars plus 55 extra for carry-on luggage but jetblue ceo said customers shouldn't have to choose between a low fare and a great experience and jetblue has shown it's possible to have both and spirit airlines have shown that it's not um spirit in real estate terms is what you call a fixer-upper this would be a clash in cultures for sure spirit is a budget airline no frills you ever fly spirit and then jetblue's got like free wi-fi snacks drinks they have a real bathroom instead of a bucket that everyone passes around but senators elizabeth warren and bernie sanders said they're worried about the merger worsening customer service a spokesperson for spirit they asked about that just started laughing hysterically until they had to carry her out of the room but i know it's kind of a bummer for me if there's no spirit anymore who are we going to make fun of look out allegiant you're on deck this is a weird story you know you hear a lot about life imitating art but rarely do you hear about death imitating it the trial of romance novelist nancy brophy as she's accused of killing her husband in 2018 in the goose hollow neighborhood abrophy is the author of the 2011 essay how to murder your husband well they they do say right what you know so there's an amazing discovery that uh came out of the university of the west of england whose researchers say fungi like yeasts molds mushrooms etc communicate with each other similar to the way humans communicate mushrooms i learned from reading this are not plants or animals they're like their own thing and when they prodded them with electrodes they exhibited spikes of cognitive activity that resembled vocabularies of around 50 words like an eric trump level vocabulary and they were able to determine that mushrooms say hello goodbye and for the love of god please stop eating us to get high ironically you would find the story most interesting is people on mushrooms right isn't that crazy a mushroom might actually be a fun guy and we could i mean anyone speak shiitake republicans in the state of ohio are very busy with the important business of trying to pass their own version of that don't say gay florida law this is the controversial bill that prevents schools from teaching students about lgbtq plus and gender related issues on monday ohio state representatives mike loichick and gene schmidt introduced a similar bill imagine stealing your horrible ideas from florida plagiarizing a state that leads the world in murders on pontoon boats it doesn't make sense and it's especially on the gene schmidt this one would be the one i introduced this considering the fact that she and ellen john shop at the same over skies scarf store oversized scar it's hard to say oversized scarf story and one more thing you know as many of you know we uh do the show in hollywood on hollywood boulevard we decided to have some fun the other day with machine gun kelly mgk i call him he he is a very popular music artist he's got number one album in the country that doesn't mean he doesn't have detractors he does and so we helped to put him in a disguise as a mild-mannered reporter we sent him out on the street to ask unsuspecting pedestrians questions about him [Music] i feel like this is what the profile picture of all the people that hate me look like uh how do we feel about the oscars uh it was very dramatic yeah yeah real dramatic oh we've got an accent where are you from oh i'm from england this is my first time in l.a have you seen any famous people yet famous no unfortunately not how do you feel about machine gun kelly um not a huge fan um yeah i think yeah i think his new direction's a little forced but do you think machine gun kelly looks like ellen ellen degeneres no i don't see it how about now hear the bangs it's the bangs for me it's a couple beautiful ladies right there machine gun kelly love him or hate him machine gun kelly uh i like his music i find the whole blood drinking thing a bit unusual but super weird he was watching to say say something to him right now uh i'd say congratulations on the wedding please don't sacrifice a goat at it how would you describe michigan kelly in three words um maybe you want to be emo blonde um yeah look at spider-man solving crimes spider-man you're supposed to respect secret identities how do you feel about machine gun it's cool i do i really dig the the last album do you know what machine gun kelly i figured that out a little bit what was it the mustache uh the height i don't know if you remember but i'm the guy who jumped off the roof in venice oh my god you're him yeah [Music] dude you're like you won mvp of that whole show i appreciate that beyonce one through ten ten come on it's queen b yeah yeah a little dark one through ten ten machine gun kelly one through ten nine do you think that machine gun smells no by me and i don't know but i would hope not give it a whiff wait what no tell me right now if i smell or not come on come on pretty good my god thank god thank god i'm going to give him a 10 out of 10 on 10. that's how he gets to 10. that's how he gets to 10. thank you so much came out here expecting a lot of hate but uh a lot of love so thank you internet [Applause] [Music] [Applause] thanks for watching remember every time you click the subscribe button one of your enemies gets destroyed

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 1,407,534

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets

Id: z8f498qnkss

Length: 12min 55sec (775 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 07 2022