Mark: I'm incredibly stupid. Jack: I told you guys! Bob: Oh, that's the ticket...that is the ticket...actually that's not bad...
Jack: Oh fuck.. Jack: OH FUCK... Mark: Well, I'm not even playing right now...wait, who's playing? Bob: That's...this...
Wade: Uh...Jack and I are playing. Bob: This might really work out Wade. I think you've got a winner here. Wade: I think...I think this IS a winner. Mark: This is...like I said, there's no way...
Bob: Oh Jack...oh my god... Mark: We're going to be able to find ANYTHING in here...
Bob: You didn't walk past him or anything... Bob: ...but you just have no fucking chance in hell.
Jack: Yeah, WHAT THE FUCK? Wade: Really?
Bob (laughing): This place is huge! Mark: Yeah...
Wade: Oh...
(Bob continues laughing) Jack: Oh god...
Mark: But it's open, so technically you can see a lot of it. Bob: Yeah maybe, maybe this should be acrobatic practice. Jack: Um, OK, tell me, hot- hot or cold? Bob: Uh, where *you* are...almost as cold as you can be. Jack: Okay...
Wade: I would say you're pretty cold, but I ship it. (Bob laughs)
Mark: What?
Jack: Whaa? Mark: What does that mean?
Wade: What do you mean, "What does it mean?" Bob: He likes your ass, jack. That's what he means. Wade: Yeah...Jack stood up for me last game.
Jack: Am I warmer?
Bob: Uh, you're warmer than you were...warmer than you were... Bob: Uhh.. you're getting colder again though... Wade: I saw you for a second, Jack. Mark: Oh wait, I see 'em. I see 'em.
Wade: Oh, hey Jack. (Cue Grenade)
Mark: I see 'em.
Bob: You see 'em? (BOOM) (Gun repeatedly shoots) Bob: Oh, were you moving around, Wade?
Wade: No, I CAN'T move! I'm stuck. Jack: He's stuck, and he won't die!
Bob: He's gonna getcha! Wade: Jack, come in! Get in for a a ride! Pirate Jack: Yo ho ho!
Mark finally understands: OHH, "I ship it!" ohhhh! Bob: Yeah, we were trying to give you clues and stuff.
(Gun fires)
Wade: Wheeee... Jack: Are you free? Wade: You have 1 health?! Oh, you have 10% health.
Jack: I'm stuck! (laughs) Wade: I still cant believe...
(Bob Laughs)
Jack: HA!
Wade: Agh! Mark: All right, Jack...
Bob: Shoot him! Mark: Let's not be a fool...
Wade: I just want the whole world to know that for about 20 seconds, Jack...was inside of me. (Wade ships himself with Jack, ya'll.) Mark: Yeah, sure.
Bob: Hot.
Jack: Heh..."Yeah sure, whatever. Fuck you." Jack: Bob, what are you doing? I hear banging. Mark: You don't hear nothing! I'm on your team, stupid fool! Jack: Oh yeah - Mark, what are YOU doing? Mark: Nothing! Jack: Oh-kay Bob: Yay, we're free!
Jack: We should bring back the "no sitting still" rule for like a minute or over a minute. Mark: What happens if you're stuck? How 'bout that? Jack: Oh, then you're fucked. Bob: You have to flail around...
Wade: Give us lots of clues. Mark: Well, it'll probably be obvious when you find me... ...but maybe not, 'cause you don't know the map. Wade: Yeah...
Mark: But PROBABLY. Bob: Also... Bob: Is it THIS? Bob: No, that's not this.
Wade: That's a BOX. Bob: Also, it's *us*. I'm awful at this. Wade: So far, other than knocked over vending machines, everything looks as it should... Bob: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Jack: One of you just walked over me! (laughs) Bob: Huh? what?
Wade: What? Jack: Oh God, I left now, but one of you walked on top of me -- literally walked ON me. Bob: Well, *that's* not good...
Wade: Bob, the only thing *I* walked on was this scaffold-thing, so I think it must have been you. Bob: Well, I just jumped down off a ladder when he said that so he...unless he like...way -- Jack: No no no, it was before that. I left. Wade: Oh, it was a little...I guess it was...Okay, so it could've been either one of us. Jack: I was a tiny little box and you walked on top of me. Mark: So the rule is if you're a small object you must keep moving around, is that the thing? Jack: Yeah...well...
Wade: Yeah...
Bob: Sure. Jack: Oh, there's a whole other section! Bob: Ah, Christ... Wade: Yeah there's- this map is never-ending. Mark: Not a...not a WHOLE...
Bob: Mark are you in the section...are you in the section that Wade was in last time, or...
Mark: I'm in the MAIN section...
(Grenade explodes) Jack: OWW!
Bob: Wow... Mark: I SAW that!
Jack: Jesus! Scared the shit out of me! Jack: How have you not SEEN him!?
Mark: Yeah, how have you not seen me? You're both...bunch of idiots! (Gunshots)
Mark: You're...you're ugly, you're stupid... (Gunshots)
Jack: Big, fat, be-...penis-faces!
Mark: OW...Also...losers! (Gunshots)
Jack: Big anus-faces! Stup -- Yeah, there you go.
Mark: You'll never have happiness...YOU'LL NE -- ugh. Wade: Oh...That didn't stand out THAT much. I mean, I guess a little. Bob: It DID stand out once i looked at it. Jack: Yeah, he was clipping through the other one. Bob: He was the wrong kind of box and he was IN another box halfway. Wade: Oh, okay. Jack: See what I mean?
Mark: Just a little off... Jack: See what I mean? See what I mean? You got it.
Bob: All right, I got this. Wade: Nooo!
Jack: Oh, those are good sounds for us. I like this.
Mark: Wade? Did something happen? Horrible? Wade (anguished): Ohhh! it's meshing with meee!
(Jack laughs) Jack: He's right here.
Mark: Let me see. Let me see the horror. Wade: Where you at?
Wade: It... it wasn't LIKE this! Wade: Things were goood...
Jack: B-...uh...near...near... Jack: Is it where YOU were? No, it's not. Mark: Oh, I see you. I see you. Okay, hang on.
Jack: Oh god, now I'M fucking stuck in you!
Bob: Um... Wade: YES!
Jack: There we go. (Laughs)
Mark: Oh! Oh, *there* you are. Wade: Woooo!
Jack: Why did you even *attempt* that? Mark: Why- yeah, why'd you do that?
Wade: Because I wanted to drive around! Jack: OK, let's leave him in his pain. I'mma go find Bob. Bob: Wade...did you and I have the same idea, Wade? (Laughs) Wade: Oh God...
Mark: This is gonna take a while...wait, if I charge you up with my stun baton -- oh no, wait... Mark: ...this is a different game mode. I don't have that.
(Sounds of crowbar hitting Wade)
(Jack laughs) Jack: Okay...
Mark: You're almost out! you're almost out! you're moving! Jack: There's no way you're THIS one.
(Bob laughs) Wade (to Mark): I don't even think you're hitting the right one! Mark: go for it! Be free!
(Gunshots)
Wade: OW! Wade: Okay, SOMEONE'S hitting the right one!
(Gunshots, Jack laughs) Jack: Is it ME?
(Gunshots)
Wade: AAAAAH! (Gunshot)
Wade: Ohhh...Marthaaaa...
Mark: THERE we go... Mark: All right! Okay... Bob: I think mine's gonna be fine.
(Wade snickers) Mark: That doesn't sound fine.
Jack: Yeah. Wade doesn't have much confidence in you. Bob: it's gonna be fine, okay?
Wade: I *think* he's gonna be fine... Bob (singing N'SYNC's "It's Gonna Be Me"): "It's gonna be ME!" Jack: "It's gonna be ME!" (Laughs) Jack: Have we walked past you yet? Bob: I...I was moving around for a long time until I... Bob: ...made it so that I cannot move around.
Wade: You're getting pretty close to him, I'd say. Jack: Whoa, I just teleported! Jack: That's fuckin' weird.
Mark: It's okay. I lag too. Wade's crappy connection... (Bob laughs)
Wade: Yeah. my terrible Internet must
be to blame. Jack: Jesus... Bob (imitating jack): Ah, Jesus. Jack (in a thick Irish accent): JAY-zuss!
Mark: Okay, I'm trying to get a good vantage point... Bob (whispering): Oh God yes...
Jack: Have you got any clues where he is? Bob: Uh, I can see both of you currently. not that means you're terribly close to me, but... Bob: I CAN see you.
Jack: Yeah. that doesn't mean any-...
Mark: wait, we're opposite sides of the map, so if you can see both of us, that means... Jack: Means you're up top...
Mark: You're probably... yeah, up top and... Bob: *Or* I'm clipping the wall. Mark: Let's see... in the *last* part he mentioned there was a horse... Mark: He *must* be THE HORSE! Jack (laughing, sarcastic): There's only one option! Mark: I've DEDUCED it! I've de-DUCED it!
Bob: I actually became the horse's penis and I'm running around now. Wade: Oh NO! Jack: I'm gonna push the horse over the edge. Bob: Oh my God, you can move the horse? Holy Christ!
Jack: I'mma do it! I'mma do it!
Wade: Nooo!
(Jack and Bob laugh) Mark: Yeah, take that, BOB! That's what you GET!
Bob: Horsey, nooo! Jack: Did you...is he dead now?
Bob: Horsey... Jack: Get him! Yeah, sit on his face! Teabag him!
(Mark laughs) Bob: I lifted him up when he was down...
Wade: Is this a *glue factory*?! Mark: Aaaagh...
Jack: Okay...we're gonna need a hint. Mark: Uh, we win, right? Bob: Uh... I, um... Bob: I lift things. Mark: Ohhh...
Jack: So you- are you a forklift? Bob: I tried to be a forklift but I uh, may or
may not have succeeded. Mark: Wait - oh, found him.
(Gunshots)
Bob: Oh come on! No, wait! Hang on! Mark: Okay all right, whoa, what up? What up? What up? I'll trust you...
Jack: Wait, wait...Wha, wha? Mark: Woah, woah, woah, don't run, don't run...
Bob: Wait... you got me... you
got me sincerely, but... ...I really want to know if you can become this crane thing in the middle. so I want to, like... Jack: So you were just fucking lying? Bob: No, I was I was a yellow pushy dolly thingy. I- Mark, *you* know, *you* saw what I was, didn't you? Jack: Oh yeah...
Mark: Yeah, he was a dolly. He was a dolly he switched to a bucket. Bob: I just- I freaked out when Mark found me.
Mark: Wait, do the- try to be the horse. Try to be the horse. Bob: Try to be the horse? (Bob and Wade yell) (Mark laughs)
Bob: Oh, help me!! Jack: Are you stuck?
Bob: Oh God! Jack: Wait...wait...
Wade: Stop turning!!
Bob: It's so BAD! (Jack laughs) Wade: Nooo...
Jack: Here. Here...here, take the co -- OHHHH! (Wade screams, Mark laughs)
Jack: WHAA, A LEVITATING HORSE! Jack: WHAT'S IT DO-? KILL IT! KILL IIIIT! (Gunshots, Mark screams)
Jack: KILL IIIT! (Grenade explodes, gunshots continues, Bob laughs)
Jack: AAAAAAH! IT KILLED *ME!* IT KILLED *ME!* Jack: Ohhh! That was TERRIFYING! (Bob and Mark laughing)
Jack: Jesus Christ... Mark: Please, just end my pain. (Gunshots, Jack laughs) Bob: "Kill meee...Please kill meee..."
Jack: There he goes. Were the two of you shooting him? Bob: Yes.
Mark: Yeah. Took TWO to murder. Bob: All right...
Mark: Oh! That -- that's clever, Jack! That's clever.
Jack (close to panicking): No it's not! No it's not! Mark: Clever! that's *clever.* Mark: You're a *clever* boy!
Wade: "Clever"...Is "clever" a clue? Mark: *Clever* boy! You're uh...you're clever!
Wade: Are you a clever LEVER?
(Gunshots, Jack laughs) Bob: He's a...c-LEVER...Wait a second. I have a question... Jack: What?
Bob: Oh my god, Wade... Jack: Is there a -- whaaaat!?
Bob: You see what I just what I just did? Wade: How did you...
Bob: There a rope that you can...hang on...
Jack: There's a *banana* up there! Wade: Oh my goodness...
Bob: AAH! I fell. But...
(Jack laughs) Mark: There's a *banana* up there!
Jack: Yeah, there's a banana! Mark: There's a *baby* up there! Niiice!
Jack (in a vaguely Italian accent): There's-a banana! There's-a banana! (Jack starts laughing, grenade launches) (Grenade explodes, Jack laughs) (Mark laughs)
Wade: I SAW you, Jack! I saw movement over there! Bob: Wait, you saw him? I was like, "Oh no, I feel like he's laughing at me". Mark: Uh, Wade...er, Jack, that was NOT a good move. Mark: It's time to stop, Jack! (Gunshots)
Mark: It's time to STOP!
Jack (laughing): Yeah! (Mark laughs)
Jack: Thanks, Frank. Thanks. Bob: Hey, were you a clock? Jack: I was *then*.
Wade: He was *something,* and then I shot and blew up all the boxes, *Then* he was a clock. Jack: I was a palette. You were standing *on* me. (Wade groans)
Mark: You guys were, like, dancing on his face. It was awesome. Bob: Goddammit. Mark: Okay -- Woah. What?
Jack (laughing): Hi. (Gunshot)
Jack: Hi...
Bob: Hang on, hang on, hang on... I'm just experimenting... Bob: I'm assuming it's *me* that you're seeing and saying "hello" to, yes, hi. Jack: What're you DOING?
Bob: I'm experimenting. Hang on. Jack: "Experimenting"?
Bob: Oh no, there's not one down here. Shit...hang on... Jack: Mark, are you seeing this?
Bob: let me go to the other end. Let me go to the other end. I'll stay T-form. (Gunshot)
Jack: Oh! Sorry! Shot by accident.
Bob: Do I play this game wrong? I feel like I play this game wrong. Mark: What are you trying to do, Bob? Bob: I want to see if I can become the crane still, and I can drop down on top of it from here. Mark: I don't *think* you can...
Jack: I highly doubt that you can
become the crane. Mark: Yeah... Bob: Egkh! (Gunshot)
Mark: "Egkh! My elbows!" Jack: OK, you can go hide again. I'll go find Wade.
Bob: OK. I'll go... I'll go try to find a ...spot. Mark: Someone's up there, someone is, but... Jack: And he's *awfully* quiet... Bob: *I'm* not awfully quiet. *You're* awfully quiet.
(Grenade explodes)
Mark: Oh, shit. (Gunshot, Jack laughs)
Bob: Goddammit. Bob: I was --
(Gunshots, Mark and Jack laugh)
Wade: AAH! NO! AGH! Jack: So it was WADE who was in T-pose!
Mark (to Wade, laughing): I shot you right in the head execution-style! Bob: No, *I* was T-pose!
Mark: They were BOTH T-pose! Wade: So...Bob and I had the same idea to start the round? (Everyone laughs) Wade: We both went for the same thing!
Bob: Oh, is that what... Bob: Were you behind me when that happened? Is that why you said that? Wade: I was *trying* to be, and then I just dropped down and ran! (Bob laughs)
Jack: You fuckin' assholes...
Wade: While they were is looking at you, I maneuvered around them to get to the back room!
Jack (frustrated): Agh!
(Bob laughs) Bob: Apparently we need to mix up the strategies a
little bit, Wade. Mark: Oh, wh-wha-NOOO! (Bob laughs)
Jack: Oh, come on, man! Mark: Aww...But...It's...I...What *else* was I supposed to do? Bob: Not die like a asshole?
Jack: Ugggh...Now I'm alone!
Mark: Goddammit! (Mark groans in frustration)
Jack: I'm all alone! Mark, why?
Wade: I have a feeling the rope is going to kill a lot of us... Mark: Hey, how did that song go that I was singing earlier?
Bob: Oh my God! Can you become...this? Jack (tries to sing the song, fails): No... Mark (laughing): Yeah, I can't remember how it went.
Jack: Shit! Bob: Were you singing The Lord of the Rings song, or were you singing something else?
Mark: No no no...it was: Mark, with Jack joining in: Aaai-aai-AAAI-oh-AI-ai-yaai...
(the start of the chorus from Enigma's "Return to Innocence") Jack: *There* it is! Bob: Oh. Is that that Enya song? Mark (laughing): Something like that. The Grumps, like, were doing it on their most recent episode and I just... I haven't been able to *stop* doing it ever since then. So... Mark (singing, with Jack joining in): Aaai-aai-AAAI-oh-AI-ai-yaai... Mark: Jack, you're gonna... (sings) Diie-iie... Jack: OHH! Nooo! Why??
Mark: Aw... (laughs) Mark: You done fucking goofed, bro. Mark: You did the same thing I tried to do. It's hubris.
Bob: You see him, Wade, or... Mark: I don't know how you can't NOT see him! Jack: Jesus, guys... Wait... Bob: I don't understand Jack: I don't think any of them are near me. Where did all the *tiny* props go? Mark: Jack, I don't like your disg-
(singing, with Jack joining in) -uiii-uii-UIII-oh-UI...
(Mark and Jack laugh) Bob: Oh. Hey, Buddy.
(Mark laughs, gunshots) Jack: Come on! Give me another chance! Mark wasn't here.
Wade: Oh, is he over in the corner? Mark: Nah, nah, nah. Don't give...No, no, no, don't do it.
Bob: You want something? You want something? Jack: I can't even *see* anything!
Bob: Here. Here, friend. Here. Bob: Here.
Jack: I don't know if I can grab anything. I'm pressing "E" everywhere. Mark: Yeah, you can't do it, Jack.
Bob: Here... here!
Wade: There's a box right in front of you. Bob: Here -- I'll put it... I'll put it on top of youse so yah got it... Woah, it's inside you. Sorry. Jack: No, I can't... I can't change.
Mark: Yeah, just end his pain. End the suffering, end it...
Bob: I didn't mean to penetrate you, Jack. Jack: OW!
Mark: Oh...wow. Jack: WHAT??
(Bob laughs)
Mark (laughing): What the hell happened?
Wade: You killed him with a BOX! Jack: Fuck's sake!
(Bob continues laughing)
Mark (at a loss for words): *Wow*... Jack: I'll survey -- Oh, I see one of them! They're tiny. Bob: Nope...
Mark: Where at?
Wade: I wanted so badly to swing on the rope... Bob: Oh, hey! (Grenade explodes, Bob screams)
Wade: ...and come in like a wrecking ball but it didn't work. Wade (realizing Bob died): Oh...
Jack (to Bob): Sorry. I had to. Bob: Goddammit. I keep trying stuff that's not working! This map is really frustrating. Jack: I got a Lucky Ball that says "You got a
suicide bomb". Bob: Well...
Wade: Bob, whatever you were, don't feel bad that I lived longer than you. Bob: It's actually not a bad spot, Wade. I don't know if they're ever gonna look there. Jack: Bob, I'm sorry for shooting you so quick. I get paranoid that I'm not gonna find you again and I don't- I want to win. (Laughs) Bob: I mean I *was* a tiny little can but I, I did not intend to run around. I was trying to get on top of the shelves of...of...uh, of boxes, but you can't get on or in those *anywhere*. Mark: Hmm...
Wade: You know, if they *do* look here, Bob, I think I blend in very well. Bob: yeah I think you're really, uh...you're really camouflaged. Mark: You something small or big?
Jack: We...we got it Mark? Jack: Surveying the area...Where is that Wade? Where's that Wade?
Bob: You've got a good...you got a good, uh...suit of armor. You got a real thick skin. Mark: Scanning the environment...
Jack: He's got thick skin... Bob: Think *meaner.* (Wade laughs)
Mark: Dat...dat THICK tho? Jack: "Fat?" (Bob laughs)
Mark: Oh! (pause) Aw...I saw that banana fall down and was like, "HAH!" Jack (laughs): Sorry.
Wade: Was it a THICK banana?
Bob: Yeah, you...You *get* that banana! Mark: Yeah, you *know* that banana thick. Jack: I got dat B. Mark: That's actually funny because I went to the store, and I wasn't gonna buy a banana, but this banana was hybrid *double* banana... (Jack laughs)
Mark: It was super...like, thick and uh, extra girthy, so I bought it... Bob: For, uh...?
Mark (clears throat): And...um, uh...that's the end of my story!
Jack: For *practice.* Jack (as he lands): OHH!
Wade: Yeah, don't...please, stop right there! Mark: oh wait...woah, I saw something...
Bob: You know what? You moved out to LA, you became a huge success... Bob: Then you drop that huge double banana story on us? It's like... (Mark and Jack laugh)
Bob: I don't even know who you *are*
anymore, man. Wade: You've *changed,* Markiplurr. Mark: Yeah. Uh...I...uh...That banana changed *me*... (Jack laughs)
Mark (in a strained voice) In more ways than one...
Wade: I bet it *would!* Jack: That's a life-changing banana. Bob: Don't talk about how girthy something is and then say...
Mark (finding wade): Oh. HI! (Gunshots)
Wade: Ow! Why!? Can't we TALK?
Bob: Wait...wait!
the out hang on he'll sell me out Jack: Where is he?
Bob: Wade can sell me out! Hang on -- He'll sell me out. Wade: Yeah I'll tell -- I'll take you to Bob! Jack: Bob's DEAD!
Mark (laughing): Bob's dead! (Gunshots)
Bob: No I'm *not!*
Wade: Ow! Well...You *thought* Bob was dead, but... (Wade laughs)
Jack: Where ARE you?
Mark (puzzled): Why can't I kill you?
Bob: It was all a clever trick! (Gunshot, Wade screams)
Mark: There you go!
(Bob and Mark laugh)
Jack (realising where they were): Ohhhh. Jack: Ohh.
(Gunshot)
Wade: Now do you get why I said I was as Bob would describe me? Mark: You THICK, tho... you THICK... Jack: What WAS he? Mark: He was a...
Wade (acting sad): I was a bald old man! Mark: He was a bald man with thick...something! He was d-...I mean DAMN! Jack: Aw, shiteballs... Wade: Hey, Bob, I found one. (Bob laughs)
Mark: What are you talking about? Actually, what *are* you talking about? It's making me nervous. Wade: There's one of them in this corner right behind you Bob. Bob: Oh, interesting.
Wade: There were boxes bouncing around all over the place. Mark: Wait, no there weren't! Nuh-UH! Mark: Hey, look at me! Look at me!
(Jack laughs) (Grenade explodes)
Jack: FUCK it!
Bob: Got 'im! (Bob laughs)
Mark: Dammit...I tried to distract, Jack... Jack: Ah...You *tried,* Mark.
Mark: It just didn't work. Jack: Oooh!
Mark: I tried...Yeah. (Jack laughs)
Mark: Man...Aw man...(sniffs)...Ahh, you guys smell so good! (Jack laughs)
Mark: I lo-...I just...I love watching you guys work! Mark (laughing): It's just an inspiration!
(Bob mutters incoherently) Jack: You're *soda* close to him! (Mark laughs)
Bob: See, now you're just *mixing* hints. Now you're just...now you're just saying *different* hints.
(Gunshot) Wade: He said "soda" again!
Jack: Well...you think so? (Gunshot, Jack and Mark laugh) Wade: What was he, Bob? Wade: Your distraction appears to be a...
Jack: Underneath the horse! Jack: There's a Chinese, ah...delivery box.
Bob: Yeah, yeah, I *am* underneath the horse. Jack: He...he's...
Mark (laughing): And a wheel coming up the side! (Jack, Mark, and Bob laugh, gunshots)
Wade: What? Oh! AH! (Grenade explodes)
Wade: Nooo!
Mark: Oh shit...
(Gunshots) Mark: Agh...I fucked it...I fucked it up, Jack. I fucked it up. Mark: Ah, shit...
Jack: I still see him. He's a box. Mark: God damn it... Jack: Hi.
(Grenade explodes)
Bob: God...shit! Dammit! Bob (angrily): Why can't you go under shit!? (Jack laughs) (Gunshots)
Mark: Can you hear the gentle humps? (Gunshots)
Wade: Yeah, and I feel the gentle bullets penetrating my rear. (Mark laughs)
Jack: He was a vending machine. Wade: I wasn't...I...Is it the *turtle* that everyone keeps trying to grab? Mark: Yeah. The turtle's a trap.
Jack: Yeah. It turns you into the vending machine. It's a decoy. Wade: Yeah. Yeah, I fell right for that trap. (Gunshot) Bob: All right.
Jack: Ah God... Mark: We are *gooood* at this... Jack: Yeah, this map looks...tiny. Wade: It *is* tiny. Bob: Oh, you can go inside in, eh... in several different locations, though. Mark: Why do I seem...Why do I seem so *short* right here? Wade: I don't know. Mark (laughing): Is that just my normal existence and I'm just not used to it here?
(Jack laughs) Jack: You're just short?
Wade: I mean, that's how *I've* always known you. (Mark laughs)
Mark: I mean, it was just, like, the way that this... Mark: ...patio was built, I thought it was like --
Wade: Oh, hey, bottle! Where you going? Mark: I thought I was very short.
Jack: Nowhere. Bob: Nowhere. Nob ottle's going nowhere, Sir. Mark: Bottles!?
Wade: Wait, did you just...did you hide in the *snow?* Jack: No! (laughs)
Wade: Or did you run *around*... Jack: No, I kept running! Mark: Oh shit, there's a downstairs -- there's a *sewer*! Jack: Yeah. Mark: Ohh...
Wade: And there's a bottle down here somewhere. Bob: Oh God...
Mark: Well, we'd better go in this sewer and inspect!
Wade: The bottle went down the other side... Mark: C'mon, Wade!
Jack: The sewer...the sewer loops around; you can get back out the other side, Wade. {laughs} Wade: I *know.*
(Bob gasps) Wade: And you're right *there.* Wade: Hey, Jack.
(Bob mutters incoherently)
Bob: Oh hey...wait...I got one...
Mark: Uh-oh...uh-oh... Wade: There's a bottle! Mark: There's a bottle on the run!!
Wade: C'mere, Jack!!
(Gunshots, Jack screams) Jack: Aaaah, stop shootin' me, you dicks!! (Grenade explodes)
Mark: Ahhh, we got 'im!
Wade: Aw, Mark got you before I fired that.
Jack: What...? Jack (sounding lost): Wuh...deh...fuh...
Mark: That was a good one. That was a good one. Mark: Good job, Wade. Good job Wade. Job well done.
Wade: Yeah, that was a good find.
Jack (whining): Using grenades is not faaaair... Mark: We'll get donuts later, Wade.
Wade: Yeah! Mark: We got one more criminal on the lose...
Jack: Oh, nice, Bob!
Bob: Right? Wade: Extra chocolatey?
Jack: NICE, Bob!
Bob: RIGHT? Wade: Bob, are you the garbage can
just on the other side of the fence? Bob: Yeah, I'm the garbage can that's running around. That's your clue. (Laughs) Mark: What the hell is that? What -- Wade: I don't trust Bob as far as I can throw him. Jack: You trust *me,* though! (Laughs) Bob: You can throw me...pretty far. You can throw me pretty, pretty far, you know. Wade: Throw him pretty far... Bob: If you were... if you were *strong* enough.
Wade: Are you a wiener in a bun? Jack: They're called hot dogs, Wade. (Laughs)
Bob: Uh...probably not. You'd have to be pretty strong. Mark: Oh. Wade, we're being made a fool of! Emergency! Emergency!
Wade: I *know*! Mark: We're being *played*!
Jack: Let's say Bob is very *present* in his current scenario. Wade: Oh God! There's so many presents everywhere...
Mark: Oh God...Wait a minute. Wade -- wait! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Mark: Did we not even think about this...Wade! Hang on... Bob: You know what, I'm gonna go talk to Mandy. I'm so confident about this I'm just going to leave it... Bob: ...and I'll be back in a minute. You guys have a minute to find me.
(Jack laughs) (Gunshots) Mark: Wait...oh God...oh God! Oh NO... Jack: Um...he's not a present. (Laughs) (Mark and Wade yell in frustration) (Jack laughs) Jack: Come on, dudes! Mark: Where? Jack: He's in the area you're in, Mark. Mark: Wh- (screams, grenade explodes) Jack: Nooo...He was a washer/dryer thingy! There's a chair on top of him!
(Mark laughs) Mark (baffled): Whaat...? Jack: Bob dro-...er, Mark...WADE dropped a chair on top of him! Wade: Oh, COME ON! Jack: He's, ah, he's like a washer...a washer/dryer thingy. Mark: Gah...Oh my God...Is Bob still gone? (Laughs) Jack (laughing): Yeah. Wade: Yeah, Bob's definitely still gone... (Laughs) Jack: He would have been cheering if he knew he won. Jack: It's a pretty good spot. Bob: So we won, yeah? Jack: Yeah!
Wade: Yeah, you...
(Jack and Bob laugh) Bob: I...I literally just walked off
camera and just came back. Mark (laughing): Well...
Jack: Mark was in the same area. I told him he was in the area, he fired a grenade and died. (Laughs) (Mark and Bob laugh) Jack: Bob, where are you?
Bob: I lost him! Bob: I was in the stairwell on the side and Wade was a tiny hot dog and he got away from me. Jack: Wade, did I walk by you coming in here? Mark: Wade, go go go!
Wade: Yes, you did. Jack: Damn it!
Mark: Wade, GO! Mark: I saw you, Wade -- for a split second! You passed right by me. Wade: Mark, would you like a piece of my soggy buns? (Jack laughs)
Mark: No, I'm just wallowing in desperation as I usually am. Mark: Just leave me to my own. Jack: What da fuck ARE you? Mark: Nothin'. Bob: Oh, there he is.
(Grenade explodes)
Wade: Oh nooo... Jack: Oh, I got an Easter Egg! (Laughs) (Grenade explodes)
Mark (laughing): You'll never find ME...unless you have the *guiding light!* Wink! Wade (laughing): That is so creepy! Mark (laughing): I know right? I know! Bob: So he's a T-pose in a dark fucking corner somewhere... Mark: Well, *that* would be a weird guess! Jack: Oh Jesus Christ! (Laughs)
(Mark laughs) Jack: He's here! Look! (Mark laughs)
Jack: Jesus, fuck!
Bob: Oh God! That's -- Dude, with no flashlight, that's brilliant! Mark: Yeah! Jack: Yeah! All I could see is the glint
in your eyes! Mark: I know, I was noticing that too!
Bob: No wait...Jack...Jack...Don't watch, Jack. Mark: Wait! Hang on...wait! I have an idea!
Jack: Ok...Wait! What...what are you gonna do to -- what are you going to do to Fido!? Mark: Wait -- don't kill me yet...
Jack: What are you going to do to Grandpa?? Mark: Don't kill me yet, just...
Bob: Okay... Mark: All right, I'm cooperating...ah...ah... Jack: DOWN TO THE GROUND! DOWN TO THE GROUND! (Mark screams)
Mark: I'm so scared!
Bob: Are we American police or European police? Mark: American. Bob: Okay.. (Shoots Mark)
Wade: BOB!! (Mark laughs)
Jack (laughing): You have *guns,* don't you? (Gunshot)
Bob: Do European police not even get guns? Jack: Nah, it's just the...Wait...*Here* we don't; have I don't know about the U.K. Bob: What happens when the bad guys have guns? The police are just like, "Hey, you stop it!"?
Jack: We have... Jack: We have better gun laws than you guys do. Bob: Yeah, but still, bad guys can get guns, like, illegally, like...it's not like, impossible for them to get guns. Jack: True...
Bob: Presumably... Wade (laughing weakly): Yeah, all they gotta do is call America. (Jack laughs)
Bob: Yeah. (Jack laughs)
Mark (laughing): Who's behind the dumpster? Mark: Who's behind the dumpster?
Jack: Nuh...No one! Nuttin'! Bob: Hang on...let me see if I can get in here...
Mark (laughing): Who's behind the dumpster? Bob: Really? It's just not going to work?
(Grenade explodes) Jack: AGGH, I was just about to MOVE! I was in the middle of moving! Fuck!
(Mark laughs) (Bob and Mark laugh) Jack: Son of a bitch... Mark (laughing): That was a clinched round! Jack: Fuck... Mark: See, *your* mistake, Jack, was being a *green* present. Anyone would have spotted that a mile away. Jack: I *had* to be thematic!
Bob: Uh, obviously. Obviously. Jack: What was I *going* to be? RED? Jack: They lost already. They just don't know it yet. (Mark's girly scream)
Mark: What the...!? What HAPPENED!?
(Wade laughs) Jack: See?
Bob: We just got to hang out and wait for them to kill themselves. (Gunshot)
Jack: I told you! We're just so good,
gravity kills them! (Gunshots)
Mark: I didn't *fall!* That's the thing! I just walked into something else and it *killed* me! Bob: Well...well...
Mark: What the hell happened!?
(Grenade explodes) Jack: Sorry. I...I was suicidal. I was suicided.
Bob: You know, Mark... Bob: You know, Mark, lesson learned, you know? Jack: According to the game, I suicided.
Mark: What did I... Mark: What did I do WRONG? Jack: Uh...life?
(Gunshots) Mark: Aww man... (Gunshots)
Jack: Bob, you could just try and picking them up or walking into them. Bob: Yeah... (Jack laughs) (Grenade explodes)
Wade: ACK!
Jack: Ahh! (Everyone laughs)
Jack: "Draw! Everyone loses!"
Wade: The angle on my screen... Bob: Oh well. Bob: Is that you, Jack? Jack: Me? Bob: Yeah, the red present that I can see behind the dumpster moving around? Jack (playing along): Well, if it's moving around, what do you *think*? (Laughs) Jack: Now I'm gonna have to leave! (Laughs) Mark: Naw, this is -- that's a -- that's a trick!! It's a dirty trick! Mark: There's something...something they're -- they're just fucking with us! I know that for certain! Jack: How do you know? (Chuckles)
Bob: Yeah, how do you know anything really? Mark: Because it seems like...
Jack: You might be closer than you think. Mark: Uh-huh...hey...
Wade: Are you the presents on top of this car? Wade: Nope...
Bob: Ah...well, we're not those ones, but my presence is a present. Kiss my ass. Wade: Wow...
Mark: Wow. That's...that's really harsh, man. Mark: You could be so much, nicer. Wade: This was a friendly game... :C Bob: I was just quoting Kanye, I thought he was cool.
Jack: I was jumping up and down and I thought somebody just saw me! Wade: I think Jack's inside the place... Jack: I'm on a roll! (Hilarious Jack..)
Mark: Ok...? Mark: WOAH! I GOT A RPG! FUCK YOOUUUU! (Explosion. Mark dies) Oh shit. (Laughing) (Everyone continues to laugh)
Jack: Where's your dead body? I hear a dead body. Where's your dead body? Mark: Hmmmm... Bob: I'm also *definitely* not in the
stairwell...
Mark: Woah! (Grenade explodes, Jack laughs) What the hell?? Wait... Jack: (Laughs)
Mark: Wh-...wha-? I saw you for a
split second... Wade: Yeah, I know! I keep seeing movement!
Darkiplier: I GOT A RPG, MOTHERFUCKER! Jackaboy: Oh Jesus...Oh Jesus! (Laughs)
Darkiplier: You wanna show your face one more time!? Darkiplier: You wanna show your face AGAIN?? Jack: (Laughs)
Wade: Hey! Are you a bottle? Jack: (Laughs) Darkiplier: EH?? All right, where you at, Bob!? Darkiplier: Bob, you scared now!?
Jack: Oh...Mark was looking in the door and I just popped out and he didn't see me at all! Darkiplier: HUH!? Darkiplier: YOU'VE HAD A RECIPE OF FUCKERY AND IT'S TIME TO REAP THE ROARS! Jack: Bob, have you been there the entire time? Bob: Yes. Wade literally just climbed in the window over me. (Jack laughs) Jack: Hmm...Ok... Mark: ♫We wish you a Merry Christmas♫, Mark: We wish you a Merry Christmas, Mark: ♫We wish you a Merry Christmas♫, (Mark singing) ♫And a Haappyyy Newww Yeeeaaar!♫
(Wade singing alone) ♫I'll showw yoouu myyy buuutt!♫ (Grenade explodes) (Mark and Jack laugh)
(Cue Outro Music) Jack: Great climactic ending!
Mark: Ah, you almost had me! Mark: You almost had me! Jack: DAMMIT!
Wade: Yeah, you DID! (Outro) Jack: God dang it...
Santaplier: Ahhh, Merry Christmas, everyone! Jack:And a Shitty New Year.
Wade: Mark was the Christmas dildo! Mark: Ow... God damn it!! Mark: What the fuck did I hit!?
(Everyone laughs)
