Last night's
vice presidential debate, the first and only debate between the two people
who will take over if the president falls
in the shower. And it was a weird situation
from the start, because there is a real chance
that Pence could have COVID-19, even though
he's tested negative. And that fear wasn't helped
when Pence's eye threw a gender-reveal party. Pink! It's a girl! Blood pink! It's a girl! So to keep everyone safe,
the debate commission decided to install plexiglass barriers
on stage-- which sounded good... until we saw the barriers, and they were basically just
the sneeze guards from Sizzlers. I mean, seriously, who thought
of a thin sheet of plexiglass being a good idea? Oh, this will stop
the coronavirus. Viruses can't go up, right?
They don't go up. They just go like this? But once you got past
the whole "plague" thing, the debate itself was
actually pretty normal. Two calm, poised candidates
exchanging lines that they had been practicing
for weeks over the course of
a largely uneventful 90 minutes. You know what it felt like,
it was... kind of like a throwback to
what campaigns used to be like. You know? Before Donald Trump
arrived on the scene and turned every political event into a monster truck rally
on cocaine. Because you remember,
in the last debate, Trump would not shut up
for a second. And Pence, he doesn't have it in
him to be that obnoxiously rude. But he did take one important
lesson from Trump's performance. When the moderator tells you
that your time is up, that's really more
of a suggestion than a rule. There are
no more hurricanes today -Thank you. -than there were
a hundred years ago. -Thank you, Vice... -But many
of the climate alarmists use... Vice President Pence,
I'm sorry, your time is up. -...hurricanes and wildfires
to try -Thank you, -Vice President Pence.
-and sell their bill of goods of a Green New Deal... He said it was hysterical. -He said it was xenophobic.
-Thank you, -Vice President Pence. -But
President Trump has stood up -to China, -Vice President
Pence, your time is up. We're gonna continue
to stand strong... Thank you, Vice President Pence. -Under President Trump's
leadership, we'll -Thank you, -Vice President Pence. -always
stand with law enforcement, -and we'll do what we've done...
-Vice President Pence, -(continues talking)
-thank you, your time is up. ...improve the lives
of African Americans, -Thank you, Vice President
Pence. -record unemployment... President Donald Trump
not only respects but reveres all of those who serve
in our armed forces, -and any suggestion otherwise
is ridiculous. -Thank you, -Vice President Pence.
-Let me also say... Okay, I would think
that after trying "Thank you, Vice President,
thank you, thank you, Vice President"
30 times, you might try out
a different line like, "Yo, stop it.
Yo, Vice President, yo, Pence, shut the (bleep) up." The problem with saying "Thank
you, Vice President Pence" is that it's just too gentle. Like, for all we know,
in Mike Pence's mind, he thought she
was just his hype man. Thank you, Vice President Pence! Oh, you tell them,
Vice President Pence! Yo, you see that?
Yo, that's my boy! Vice President Pence, thank you! And honestly,
do you know what this shows? This shows you that Donald Trump
is a bad influence on innocent little Mike Pence. Four years ago,
Pence would never have dreamed of being a rule breaker,
but look at him now. If Pence spends
four more years with Trump, by the end of the next term,
he'll be polyamorous with Mother and some dude named Wildcat
he met in a biker gang. And at some point, I'm not even sure why debates
like these have moderators. Like, what is their job? Because it's not cutting off
the candidates. And it's definitely
not holding them accountable for what they say. I mean, anybody, anybody
can say anything they want in these debates, and there's
nobody calling them out for it. I-I really don't get why you
can't fact-check the candidates when they lie. In fact, most of the lies,
you can pre-fact-check, because these people use the
same lies over and over again. You don't even have to wait
for them to say it. The moderator could just be
like, "Uh, this next question "is about health care,
and, Mike Pence, "please don't say
you and Trump have a plan "to protect
preexisting conditions, because we all know that's B.S." President and I have a plan
to improve health care. And to pros...
protect preexisting conditions for every American. Bitch! What did I just say? But look, not everything is
the moderator's problem. Ultimately, it's up
to the candidates to decide what kind of debate
they're going to have. And last night, it seemed like
both candidates made the choice to dodge any question that
they didn't feel like answering. Vice President Mike Pence and Senator Kamala Harris tackled the issues
and exchanged attacks, but they spent much
of the night dodging critical questions. Harris wouldn't answer
the question about the court packing. Pence wouldn't answer
the question about why the U.S. death rate
from COVID is so much worse
than any other wealthy country. And he wouldn't commit
to a peaceful transfer of power. NEWSMAN: Both candidates
did a great job of not answering questions
they didn't want to answer, uh, from climate change
to China. They did a good job
of sort of ducking and dodging. It's wild to me
that you can just refuse to answer a question
when you're applying for the second most important
job in the country. There is not a single other job
that would let you do that. Even if you were applying to be
a grocery store clerk, and they asked you,
"Do you have a criminal record?" You could never say, "Man,
I'll tell you what a crime was. "What happened
to Issa and Molly's relationship "this season. "Friends gotta
stick together, man. "That's what I think. So I start Tuesday?" But let's be honest here. While Kamala Harris definitely dodged the hell out
of that court-packing question, it was Pence who
was dodging topics all night, like they were a PG-13 movie. And look, I get it. Defending Donald Trump is
like trying to sell a house that is currently on fire. It is not an easy job. I know, I know, but just think
about how much you'll save on the heating bill. Huh? But still,
Pence's habit of answering a completely different question
from the one he was asked, I, like, it was
extremely irritating for me. Or at least it was irritating, until we made a game show
out of it. ♪ ♪ Joe Biden said twice
in the debate last week that on day one he was going
to repeal the Trump tax cuts. ♪ ♪ (tape rewinding) I-I couldn't be more proud
to serve as vice president to a president
who stands without apology for the sanctity of human life. I'm pro-life. I-I don't apologize for it. ♪ ♪ (tape rewinding) Qasem Soleimani,
the Iranian general, was responsible for the death of hundreds
of American service members. When the opportunity came,
we saw him headed to Baghdad to kill more Americans,
President Trump didn't hesitate, and Qasem Soleimani is gone. ♪ ♪ (tape rewinding) ♪ ♪ I can't believe I lost $40,000
on that game. Now, it would be unfair to say
that no part of last night was worth watching, because for a couple of minutes, specifically two minutes
and nine seconds, the debate got amazing. A fly stole the spotlight. It landed on Vice President
Mike Pence's head and stayed there
for about two minutes. Everyone but Pence
seemed to notice. NEWSMAN: The fly that landed
on Mr. Pence's head and sat there for two minutes
and nine seconds... I thought that
the most effective, uh... being on that stage
to go after Vice President Pence was that fly
that landed on his head. Who would have predicted
a fly would steal the show? Okay, can I just say
that I was not surprised at all to see that fly land
on Mike Pence. First of all,
even a fly knows better than to touch
a Black woman's hair. And second,
have you seen Mike Pence? The guy has bloody eyes
and the world's palest skin. That fly probably thought
he was a dead body. Fly was like,
"Yo, this is where I be." Then it was like,
"Whoa, this shit moved!" And look, flies land on people
all the time. There's nothing crazy
about that. What was crazy
is how long it sat there for. Even Trump
was watching at home like, "Wow,
two minutes with Mike Pence. "I could never do that. "We got to get that fly
into the White House. Such a powerful, strong fly." So, that was
the vice presidential debate. But if you think you found it
frustrating as a viewer, that's nothing compared to how
frustrated Kamala Harris was. And you could tell, because from the minute
the evening started, Kamala was throwing out "are you kidding me"
facial expressions faster than the Internet
could even meme them. And while a lot of people
felt her pain, certain other people did not. Well, not even the plexiglass could contain
that strong side-eye that Kamala Harris
was giving the vice president. And I think what people
took away from it was a bit abrasive,
a bit condescending. I don't think she did a good job
of making herself likable, and the scowls
and the funny faces were not that helpful. Those facial expressions
and the way she behaved were really off-putting. She could do little more
than make these awkward smiles and just shake her head. The only real mistake
Kamala Harris made tonight was the oversmirking,
oversmiling. That same kind of haughty, um, smug, smirking framework that is not a good look
on men or women. Yeah. You know what, guys?
I hate to admit it, but these guys on Fox News
are right. Kamala Harris shouldn't be
making expressions with her face during a debate. She should be more like
Mike Pence. Keep a stone-cold
serial killer stare and express all your emotion
through your one bloody eye. Because, to me, these criticisms
always reveal so much about men who are uncomfortable with a woman in power,
you know? They're like,
"Her demeanor was so unlikable. "What is she gonna do next, "tell me I'm a disappointment
to her and my stepfather "for coming home
from the sleepover early "after I wet the bed? Huh? 'Cause I don't do that anymore." So, it turns out
Kamala's facial expressions were a big topic of conversation
after the debate, and Dulcé Sloan
had her own thoughts about it. So, last night, some people
on TV had some thoughts about Kamala Harris's
facial expressions during the debate. They said
she looked condescending, angry and annoyed. And when I heard that,
I thought, "Well, yeah. She's in a room
with Mike Pence." His own wife looks like that
when she's near him. But you know what? The people
calling out Kamala have a point. If you're leading America, you can't make weird faces
during a debate. You have to make
dignified faces, like this one. That's the expression of a dude
who just swallowed a turd and realized
he likes how it tastes. That last four seconds
had every single emoji. I mean, I've never seen
anybody's eyebrows try to escape their face. Kamala, if you're hearing
something you don't like, don't get mad. React with class,
like President Trump does here. That's my president, a man with restless bitch face. Look at that.
He looks like they told him he's ten minutes too late
for the breakfast menu. I mean, that's the face you make when your daughter tells you
she just wants to be friends. But my favorite
presidential debate face is this one. I've seen this face
many times before. It's under my cat's tail
when she's walking away from me. I mean, damn,
look at that thing. If you're not gonna
blur it out, at least give us time to get
the kids out of the room. So, to Kamala,
I say learn from the president, because if you're using
the same expressions he's using, they won't be saying,
"She's angry" or, "She's patronizing." They'll be saying, "Damn. I think she's having a stroke." And to all of you out there giving your opinions
on Kamala's facial expressions, shut the (bleep) up.
