You all know that feeling, like you come out of
a work meeting or hang out with friends and you start thinking, like, "Why did I say that? I am -
I should have responded this way. Like, I am such an idiot." Or "What did he mean when he said .
. ." Or you think, "Oh, I was the most awkward person at the party" or "I overshared way too much
information." Or maybe you worry, "Oh, did I hurt someone's feelings? This type of overthinking can
be a symptom of social anxiety disorder. It can also just be a symptom of anxiety in general. But
when you overanalyze your personal relationships to the point that you're afraid of an emotional
connection with another person, you're essentially slipping into a mental rut called rumination.
It's really common, and there's a lot you can do about it. And in this video you're going to
learn four ways to stop overthinking every social situation. If you want support to work through
social anxiety, you may benefit from working with a licensed therapist. This video is sponsored by
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your first month. Okay. So you just got back from the party, and your brain is in full overdrive.
You start thinking, "Oh, why did she say that?" You try to read between the lines. "Is
she mad at me? What did she mean by that? Was she joking or serious?" Or even more likely,
you worry about something you did. You say, "Oh, why did I say that? I'm so awkward!" Right?
This is called post-event rumination. It's a nasty little cycle that makes your social anxiety
worse. But you can fight it with the powers of CBT. So let's look at the cycle first, and then
we'll talk about a few easy ways to reverse it. So first you go to a social event,
and then you evaluate yourself, and then you ruminate. That word means to chew the
cud. You basically regurgitate your evaluation, and then you re-evaluate yourself but darker, and
then you come to the conclusion that you're the most awkward person in the world, which increases
your anxiety, which you take with you to the next social event, and the vicious cycle continues.
But these two steps in the middle, this is where you can intervene, right? You can change how
you evaluate yourself and stop rumination, and then your anxiety won't keep going up and
you'll reverse the cycle. So let's learn three cognitive restructuring techniques that help.
Cognitive restructuring is just a fancy word for saying changing how you think. But it makes
me feel smart to say it. Okay. So number one, let's start by admitting to yourself that
your self-evaluation is probably distorted. So let me give you an example: I read this story
on Instagram: a shy young lady is sitting on a bus, and she brought her dog with her. A man gets
on the bus. He sits near her, and he says to her, "Are you allowed to have dogs on the bus?" She
just shrugs and looks away. Right? But inside she's freaking out a little. Is he judging her?
Is he going to try and get her kicked off? Is he going to start some trouble? And then out of the
corner of her eye, she sees him pull his little dog out of a very nondescript pet carrier. He
wasn't judging her; he just wanted to be like her. Okay. So if you're a sensitive person, your
view of yourself is most likely distorted to see yourself more negative than reality, and
there's a very high chance that whatever thing you said or did isn't as bad as you imagined.
If you have anxiety, you're probably anxious, not awkward or offensive. So the first distortion
is the belief that what you said or did is so much worse than it actually was. And
I'll call this horriblizing. Okay. Now, the second way your self-evaluation is distorted
is by emotional reasoning. So if I feel anxious, I must have been awkward. If I feel embarrassed,
I must have been doing something wrong. To defeat this, we need to get good at naming emotions and
separating emotions from reality. So stop saying like, "Oh, I was so awkward," and just admit
to yourself, "I felt fear" or "I felt anxious." You shift your language from labels, like
labeling yourself - "I was so awkward" - to experiences - "Here's what I felt." Now, if you
actually don't know how to say hi to someone, if you've never been taught how to introduce
yourself, then you could benefit from learning some social skills. But most people are socially
anxious, not socially awkward. So be honest with yourself. You have a tendency to judge yourself
harshly. What you did is probably not as bad as you think it was. If a friend had done it, you
probably wouldn't have thought twice about it. So there's another sign that your self-evaluations
are distorted. If you have a different standard for yourself than for others, it means
that you're not seeing things clearly. Okay. Number two: the second big
cognitive distortion with social anxiety is that everyone is looking at me. Everyone's
noticing how sweaty or awkward or offensive I am. Sorry, they probably aren't. They're probably
not spending much time obsessing over every little thing you say or do. The trap of social
anxiety is that you get sucked into this hole of self-examination that just makes you more
anxious. This is egocentrism. It's not pride. It's not cockiness. It's distorting reality to
think that everyone else is looking at you, that you're the center of their world. When it comes
to changing how you think, you can't just stop thinking this way. The more you try to suppress
a thought, like being worried about yourself, the more attention you give it. This is the classic
pink elephant example. Right? So instead you need to shift your attention to something else. And
in this case, it's other people. Right? Here in the present moment, shift away from being stuck in
your thoughts, and redirect your attention to the here and now. You can use mindfulness to notice
these egocentric thoughts, and then shift your attention to others. How are they feeling? How how
was their day? What are they doing this weekend? Or if it's after the party, you could think, "Oh,
what's some nice thing I could do for Parker? Or "Who could I invite next time?" or "What would
I rather be doing with my time instead of judging myself and overthinking everything?" Right?
Find something that matters more. Basically, when we shift our attention outward, we just
won't have as much energy to dwell on ourselves. Okay. Number three: even if your biggest fears
came true - you did say something dumb or someone else was judging you harshly - it wouldn't be
the end of the world. The cognitive distortion, the faulty thinking here is that it would be
catastrophic if I messed up. It would be a disaster if I got rejected. I mean, social anxiety
is this deep evolutionary instinct that is based on our ancestors' ancient need for survival. It's
this idea that like, "Oh, if I get kicked out of the tribe, I will starve to death and die." So the
distortion is, you know, "If I get rejected, it would be terrible. I couldn't handle it. I would
never recover." So let's be honest for a minute. Could you survive if you got rejected? Would the
world actually end if you said something dumb? It might hurt. It might feel uncomfortable.
But you can handle having feelings. You can get really good at feeling feelings. These
distortions, and especially rumination, are all attempts to protect yourself, to avoid
feeling real and vulnerable. You ruminate and obsess in a vain attempt to control what you
can't control: other people's opinions. Or you overthink to avoid feeling fear. This is a habit
you've developed to protect yourself from having feelings, and it's backfiring. And spending all
this time trying to white-knuckle perfectionism in a social situation is a complete waste of time and
energy because you can't be perfect. There's just, there's just too much ambiguity in social
situations. So you have two options: you can try to kind of white-knuckle yourself into perfect
interactions. How anxious do you think you'll feel if you do that? Right? How fun will that be? Or to
practice real acceptance and vulnerability. And so so that takes us to number four: you can handle
not being perfect, and so can your true friends. So with the thought, "What if I messed up?"
Well, maybe you did. Maybe you did say something stupid or hurtful. Did the world end? Can you
make space for imperfection in order to have real relationships with real people who really
mess up pretty frequently? Would you rather have a sterile relationship where you only show your
good side at all times, you keep everyone happy, everything is perfect, and never truly feeling
accepted because you know the other person doesn't know all of the sides of you, or would you rather
have a real relationship based on real humans who really mess up? They do good, they apologize,
they make up, and they accept others as they are. Social anxiety is fueled by underlying beliefs
like "I must be perfect to be accepted. I must never make anyone else uncomfortable. I must never
make a mistake in front of another person. I must never be weird." Right? So so what do you do? You
got to shift what you value from perfectionism to real connection. Let go of futile attempts to
control a situation by doing everything right, and choose vulnerability instead. There is no perfect
social interaction. Choose to be willing to feel. Be willing to be imperfect, honest, vulnerable,
to show up and just say, like, "I will be social anyway. I'll mess up, and that's okay because
it's worth it to me to engage with people." Being real is better than putting on a perfect
show, at least for any lasting relationship. And when you do actually mess up, you can make repairs
because that's how real relationships work. But stop seeking constant reassurance. This is
just an attempt to avoid feelings. Choosing your values is all about letting go of what you can't
change, which is other people's opinions of you, and putting your energy toward what you
care about, which is real connection with other humans. Okay. So just to summarize,
here's four cognitive distortions that lead to overthinking rumination and social anxiety: number
one is faulty self-evaluation. If you're judging yourself differently from others, then you're not
seeing clearly. Name your emotions and let go of self-judgment. Number two: everyone's looking at
me. No, they aren't. Shift your attention outward. Okay. Number three: If I messed up, it would
be catastrophic. I wouldn't survive. No, you're safe. You can handle having feelings. Even if you
did mess up it would be okay. And number four: I have to be perfect to be accepted. Replace that
with "I value real human connection and all of the feelings that come with it." Okay. I hope that's
helpful. Thank you for watching, and take care.
