Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships

hi I'm Matt Cyril of uncommon knowledge and hypnosis downloads calm and welcome to overcoming insecurities in relationships use these seven tips to stop feeling insecure about your relationship so a client of mine told me she said I'm driving him away I just know I am she sniffed it's just that I love him so much I can't bear the thought of losing him Emma a client had been badly hurt before by her former cheating fiance once bitten twice shy part of her knew that her new man was decent and caring and honest but the emotional bit of Emma felt that it was just a matter of time before things went wrong if he's quiet she said I actually start panicking I'm thinking what's he planning is he going to finish with me has he met someone else if I don't know exactly where he is I get suspicious he constantly has to reassure me what can I do why am I so insecure and jealous so insecurity spoils relationships insecurity drives people to become too clingy or needy and this creates further problems feeling insecure in a relationship is natural up to a point at least until the relationship settles so let's look at this in more depth relationships a security issue when we enter an intimate relationship we can feel very emotionally vulnerable especially if we've felt let down or hurt in previous relationships will they reject me have I done something to upset them this is just too good to last these are all the typical thoughts and feelings of the chronically insecure partner being insecure is a whole lot of hard work so what does it involve seeing problems where none exist when we become anxious about anything we start looking for signs of things going wrong you know so nervous Flyers for example look out for science so the aircraft is in trouble and of course we usually find or think we have what we're looking for even if isn't really there at all we perform constant monitoring do they look fed up why did they just say that who's this other person they've just mentioned should I feel threatened are they less attentive why did they pause after I suggested we meet up all this is exhausting and Emma said that she had often felt inadequate and not good enough in her words to be with her current partner she couldn't possibly understand what he could see in her she also told me she had ended many previous relationships because of her insecurity it felt easier for me to end it before they did she told me walking away rather than risk the pain of feeling abandoned can seem the easiest thing to do but we all need the comforts and support that intimacy can bring us in life so what can you do if your insecurity is blighting your relationships number one stop confusing imagination with reality making stuff up and then believing it is a surefire way to self torment the insecure flyer as I mentioned we'll hear the normal mechanism of the air conditioning and twist it within their imagination to signify impending doom via crash and burn they'll imagine the bull would look on the air stewards face to be barely concealed terror because he must know something we don't the over imaginative flyer may even fantasize the sound of the landing gear coming down and imagine that's the engine falling out of the sky from the plane they scare themselves by assuming what they imagine represents reality now there are normal mechanisms to any relationship there are herbs and flows and mood changes and moments of intimacy and closeness and comfortable spaces these herbs and flows are normal wanting to be absolutely close and intimate all the time is that wanting an aeroplane to never make a sound or movement or wanting the tide never to come in and out next time you feel insecure ask yourself what did he you're imagining write it down on paper and the stuff I'm making up in my head being able to distinguish between what you imagined and what is actually happening is a massive step towards self assurance which neatly links to number two avoid the certainty trap overcoming relationship insecurity is partly about becoming less controlling this may sound strange but feeling that this relationship must be exactly as I think it should be is a form of over control a sign of insecurity in relationships is when the desire for certainty becomes too strong having to know whether your partner really loves you having to know this or having to know that puts a lot of unnecessary strain and tension into the relationship the fact is we all have to live with uncertainty insecure people can still feel insecure even when they're told they're loved because of course they can find ways of not believing that wanting what is not possible complete and utter certainty in all of everything forever is not possible because imagination can still make up doubts so stop looking for certainty where it doesn't apply self assurance comes from starting to relax with the uncertainties of life wanting to know for certain that someone will be with you forever prevents you enjoying the here and now nothing in life is certain and it doesn't always have to be number three give the relationship room to breathe when you plant a seed in the ground you need to give it access to light water and air you need to give it space to develop your relationship needs room to breathe schedule in some separate time and just see that for what it is the developing flower needing space to grow isn't a sign that it's heading for collapse quite the reverse in fact number four stop mind reading be wondering what your partner's thinking is a quick route to anxiety if they say one thing don't assume they mean another if they say nothing then assume that their silence is significant either many men relax by not talking constantly wondering and asking what someone's thinking is a dead end because even if they do tell you will you believe them anyway mind-reading happens when we assume we know what someone is thinking when we don't when you stop doing it you really begin to respect someone's privacy because everyone deserves the right to have space to think their own thoughts and inside their own head so constantly asking what are you thinking can make someone want to withdraw further from you and actually diminish intimacy number five stop comparing current relationships to past ones have you ever taken an instant dislike or liking to someone merely because they reminded you of someone else who you dislike to alight some people do this with whole relationships because they were in a relationship perhaps with someone who was abusive or very critical of them more dishonest or who let them down in some way or who left them they respond to a new partner defensively or angrily when in fact the new partner is not really like the old one at all the extreme form of this sloppy comparison can lead to destructive over generalizations such as all men are lying bastards or all women are promiscuous money grabbers if you suspect you've been making faulty unfair over generalizations or comparisons between your current partner and a former one they write a list of all the destructive traits of your former partner next to that list write a list of all the ways your current partner is different and review this list regularly this will help you to stop assuming that the future has to be like the past number six for security seek self assurance rather than always looking to the other person to make you feel secure in your relationship get in the habit of reassuring you yourself start to challenge your own fears and imaginings rather than just accepting them ask yourself hold on a second what real evidence is there for that fear at the same time you can focus on the thought okay nothing in this life is certain and I can live with that and even if this relationship did end I'm strong enough to go through it and ride it out and we'll have learnt something from it we all need to go with the flow in relationships what we fear will be the end of the world if it happens never really is so sit down close your eyes sometimes and strongly imagine feeling relaxed and secure around your partner this will train your brain to feel that whatever happens I will be okay and finally number seven focus on the good relationships are meant to be fun at least some other time insecure people look for signs of what's not working it drives the fun out of the relationship I want you to look for signs of what is working doing this will get you and your partner feeling naturally more positive and of course closer no meaningful relationship will always totally work all the time being to all or nothing about relationships spells trouble there are always some difficulties but keep focusing on what is good this doesn't mean that you have to accept anyone who will accept you even if they're obviously not right for you okay but it does mean that if there are occasional problems you don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater and become so destructive that the relationship ends or so clingy that your partner ends it for you okay Emma learn to relax and enjoy her relationship she stopped feeling she had to control what a part of thought or did and her new laid-back attitude made it easier for their love to genuinely blossom a good relationship is there for you to enjoy together too share resources and develop together in healthy ways if someone really does treat you badly or lies and cheats then feeling insecure is a natural and justified response to that okay however if you're actually in a generally good relationship then follow these tips because what you have is precious but possibly not as precious as the knowledge that whatever happens you can relax because you'll be okay and you'll come through it so I hope you found that useful and if you did please hit like and subscribe and if you want to hear where my next video is published hit the notification bell below I'm Matt Cyril of uncommon knowledge and hypnosis downloads calm and if you'd like to try some of my personal development products head over to hypnosis downloads calm and take a look around and thanks for watching [Music]

Channel: Uncommon Knowledge

Views: 14,435

Rating: 4.9481268 out of 5

Keywords: overcome insecurity in relationships, relationship insecurities, relationship insecurity, insecurity in relationships, relationships, relationship advice, insecurity, dating advice, how to not feel insecure, how to deal with being insecure, relationship help, how to stop being insecure, dating tips, how to stop overthinking relationships, how to overcome insecurities, personal development, how to have a healthy relationship, life tips, dating, feeling insecure

Id: SlR7D6J_GPM

Length: 12min 10sec (730 seconds)

Published: Mon May 20 2019