How to calm your relationship insecurities — Susan Winter

hi there it's Susan for Susan winter net thank you so much for joining me I want to talk about our insecurities and especially those that come up in a relationship and we are appalled at our own reactivity let me start by giving you the lay of the land firstly everybody's insecure everybody has their stuff and what can be a little speck over in the corner that we never notice when we get into a relationship can suddenly be magnified because relationships are essentially a microscope on our mental and emotional health you notice that it brings up everything I mean you can go to therapy or you can just get into a relationship it's all gonna come flooding to the surface which i think is really the reason behind it to allow us to see who we are you're not gonna see your issues when you're relaxed and calm you're gonna see them when you're stressed and when you're on edge and you've got high stakes so what prompted this discussion today is that I have a friend who's a millennial and I think she's awesome I think she's an amazing she's ambitious successful she's uncomfortable with the fact that she's clean-cut she doesn't take drugs not really a drinker if at all and doesn't have a huge history of finding her way sexually she's got a boyfriend and he's great but there are jokes that he'll say from time to time to make fun of her being kind of straight and square and she feels very uncool and when she feels uncool she starts to doubt her entire reality and she starts to feel inferior like why can't she be the the hippie chicken why can't she be like yeah chill men smoke some pot that's not her thing so it could be anything you know we start a relationship and something comes forward and it's brought to our attention maybe our mate is just you know teasing us or it's some situation for which we suddenly now have reactive we don't want to feel that way so what's the first thing that we can do here's an actionable step you can't have a feeling without having a thought that precipitated it so I want you to be very clear when you feel a trigger being you know hit a button that makes you go off in the relationship and you don't want to morph into this creature you want to manage it take yourself aside and ask yourself what did I hear in my head what were the words what was the phrase that I heard in self-judgment that made me think this you're square you're not cool why can't you be you know attractive and relaxed why are why are you so uptight or or maybe it's why are you so insecure why are you jealous why do you feel uncomfortable with your body whatever it is it's getting blown out of proportion because we're in a relationship so it's being made bigger that's that's part of what relationships do but that's the part that we don't like in our private time we have to review every thought that goes through our head most of them are myths and the frightening thing is that many of them have been given to us they're not organically ours they're not really our fears they've been imposed by society or by limited thinking and we've adopted them as though they're real things that tell us we're not good enough we're not smart enough we're not pretty enough we're not bright enough and in the context of a relationship one of these can get triggered that's just been lying dormant and it's our job to dismantle it now once you have found the sentence that you heard in your mind that made you feel badly made you you know have a little meltdown or a phrase that you heard once you can identify those the next task is to analyze it is this absolutely true do I know this is true do I feel that way and in order to disengage this okay you have to dismantle this trigger like a bomb you have to mantel it by applying a conversation that is very logical that is its exact opposite no I think I've chosen to be rational I've chosen to be ambitious and I've seen in my family system alcoholism drug abuse I choose not to even start down that road and it's not of interest to me and I'm okay with being a healthy minded person if you can find an argument that you give yourself to erase this thing that's giving you trauma you've just used your relationship to heal you you see this is the amazing thing the relationships are so rich and fertile I am NOT talking about a partner who infects us with an insecurity because they want to control us that happens too that's another discussion something that you've kind of thought about yourself I don't look good you know I don't have pretty legs I have a fat tummy whatever it is I'm not rich enough to be with her I'm I didn't go to the right schools I don't make enough money um you want to catch these and convince yourself of the opposite that you actually know is true because the judgment is not yours it's somebody else's so this is how you can override and dismantle these triggers that are going to blow up in your partner's face and that you don't need to have so let's look at relationships and thank them for how they show us to ourselves and use them forget about what happens with the partner use them to heal yourself because this is one way that we can really manage and handle our own thinking and believe me you get rid of one and you find another one its life but with enough housecleaning you can come to a point of agreeing with yourself real confidence to me is not oh I love you I love you I'm so amazing I'm so perfect real confidence to me as you know yeah I I liked myself I agree with who I am and how I live my life yes I have areas to correct and I have areas I'd like to improve but on the whole I'm in agreement with who I am so come into agreement find the version of that thing that upsets you that belief and find where you agree with yourself and that will dismantle the trigger that makes you uncomfortable in a relationship and creates an insecurity that you now know how to heal thank you very much for joining me Susan winter for Susan Richard net please feel free to contact me take a look at my consultation page I'm more than happy to lay out this work with you and do it one-on-one and give you my opinion of what I think you're thinking and we can get to the solution but thank you most of all for subscribing thank you for your wonderful commentary and thank you for being a part of my YouTube family take care

Channel: Susan Winter

Views: 87,839

Rating: 4.9628277 out of 5

Keywords: Susan Winter, dating advice, relationship expert, relationship insecurities, comparison, fears, self-assessment, judgment, confidence, video

Id: gFl6FVV11Vs

Length: 7min 27sec (447 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 02 2018