WHETHER YOU GUYS DOING HERE?
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(music)
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WHAT IS GOING ON? [LAUGHTER] THANK YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
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HOW ARE YOU? THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
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THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. THANK YOU. NOW, I KNOW THAT YOU ARE REPUBLICANS, BUT THAT WELCOME WAS PRETTY WEAK. SO, LISTEN, I'M GOING TO GO BACKSTAGE, AND YOU'RE GOING TO
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TRY THAT AGAIN.
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[APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER]
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(music) (music) BORN IN THE USA
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THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THAT IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. THAT IS A WELCOME. THANK YOU SO MUCH. YES WE CAN. GOD BLESS YOU.
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NOW, NOW, THAT IS ENOUGH. [LAUGHTER] IT IS MY TURN DID SPEAK. IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK IN NEW ORLEANS. NOW, IS A HOT OUTSIDE, OR IS IT
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JUST AL GORE? [LAUGHTER] NOW, LET ME BE CLEAR. LET ME BE CLEAR -- I'M HERE TODAY TO EXTEND AN OLIVE BRANCH TO THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. NOW, I DO NOT WANT TO RUFFLE ANY FATHERS HERE TODAY, BUT WOULD YOU ALL MIND CHANGE IN THIS ROOM AROUND ACCORDING TO THE PRE-1967
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SITTING ARRANGEMENT?
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[APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER] YOU OVER THERE, YOU OVER THERE, AND YOU THERE. NOW, I MUST THANK THE CHAIRMAN OF THE NATIONAL REPUBLICAN COMMITTEE FOR ALL THAT YOU DO. WHAT IS IT EXACTLY THAT YOU DO? 0. THAT IS RIGHT. I APPRECIATE YOU. REINCE PRIEBUS PARENT THAT NAME SOUNDS A LITTLE FISHY. COULD SOMEBODY -- RANCE PRIEBUS. THAT NAME SOUNDS A LITTLE FISHY. COULD SOMEBODY CALLED DONALD
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CERTIFICATE? TRUMP AND VERIFY HIS BIRTH I THINK WE CAN ALL IN EVENT LIKE THIS NEEDS A VOICE OF REASON, A VOICE FROM OF HOPE, SOME OF THAT WILL LOOK YOU IN THE EYE, AND GIVE YOU A BIG HUG, AND LET YOU KNOW EVERYTHING IS OK.
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BE HERE. UNFORTUNATELY, MICHELE COULD NOT NOW, WHEN VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN HEARD WAS COMING HERE TODAY, HE TRULY WANTED TO BE HERE, HE WAS SO EXCITED. HE PULLED ME IN CLOSE, HE HELD ME TIGHT, HE LEANED IN, JUST LIKE THAT, AND HE WHISPERED IN MY EAR "THIS IS A BIG F-ING DELL." -- DEAL."
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I SAID I KNOW, THAT IS WHY YOU ARE STAYING HERE. HE MIGHT BE ASKING YOURSELF WHAT IS THE PRESIDENT DOING TODAY? THE BUDGET IS OUT OF CONTROL. THE DEFICIT IS RAPIDLY GROWING, AND THEIR THREATS OF A GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN, SO I FIGURED I WOULD DO WITH ANY GREAT PRESIDENT WOULD DO IN THESE TRYING TIMES HEAD DOWN TO LOUISIANA, AND POLISH UP ON MY
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GOLF GAME. LOOKING GOOD. I AM ON VACATION. A FEW MONTHS BACK, MY FAMILY AND I TOOK A NICE STOCKVACATION IN THE STATE OF MY BIRTH, HAWAII,
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KENYA.
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WHEREAS THE TEA PARTY CALLS IT,
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[APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER]
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ARE HAVING FUN. BUT, TIME DOES FLY WHEN YOU WE ARE MORE THAN HALFWAY THROUGH JUNE ALREADY. MY FAVORITE MONTH IS FEBRUARY, BLACK HISTORY MONTH. YOU SEE, MICHELE CELEBRATES THE FULL MONTH, AND, YOU KNOW, I
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CELEBRATE HALF.
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[APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER] FATHER WAS A BLACK MAN FROM KENYA, AND MY MOTHER WAS A WHITE WOMAN FROM KANSAS. SO, YES, MY MOTHER LOVED THE BLACK MAN, AND NO, SHE WAS NOT
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A KARDASHIAN. [LAUGHTER] NOW, MOST OF YOU KNOW I'VE STILL NOT BEEN ABLE TO QUIT SMOKING, AND I MIGHT NEED SOME OUTSIDE HELP TAKE A LOOK AT THIS PICTURE OF SOMEBODY SNAP OF ME
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ON THE 2008 CAMPAIGN. [LAUGHTER]
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ONE YEAR LATER SOMEBODY
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SNAPPED THIS PHOTO. [LAUGHTER] I NEED HELP. SOMEBODY. THE WORST PART IS PRESIDENT'S AGE SO QUICKLY. NOW, LOOKS, THIS IS GENERAL GEORGE WASHINGTON BEFORE HE
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AGREED TO BE OUR FIRST PRESIDENT. HIS LOOKING NICE AND YOUNG. THIS IS PRESIDENT WASHINGTON LAW WAS OUR PRESIDENT. -- WHILE HE WAS OUR PRESIDENT,
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AND THIS IS GEORGE WASHINGTON
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TODAY. [LAUGHTER] BOO. DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?
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11. HERE, IS W. BEFORE SEPTEMBER
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IS LOOKING GOOD.
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THE SIZE OF, ON A POINT.
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[APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER]
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GOOD. NOW, AFTER 9/11 -- NOT SO CONFUSED. NOW, BUT THE. I LOVE THIS PHOTO. -- LOOKING AT THIS. I LOVE THIS TOTAL. WE WERE READY TO TAKE ON THE WORLD. I HAD COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY PREDICT WHAT MICHELE AND I ARE GOING TO LOOK LIKE AT THE END OF
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MY FIRST TERM. [LAUGHTER] BUT, DESPITE ALL OF THAT, AT THE HALFWAY POINT IN THE MOST HISTORIC PRESIDENCY IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES, FIVE TWO WORDS FOR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU -- YOUR WELCOME. YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THE THRIVING
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ECONOMY THAT HELPED TO CREATE. [LAUGHTER] YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THE PEACEFUL MIDDLE EAST THAT I HELPED TO FORGE, AND THE GIFT OF HUMILITY
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THAT I'VE GIVEN SYRIA AND A WINNER. -- THAT I HAVE GIVEN SOME
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ANTHONY WIENER.
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[APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER] THAT IS RIGHT. I MAY HAVE GIVEN HIM THE GIFT OF HUMILITY, BUT YOU PAY FOR THAT CUTE LITTLE TALL. TRUTH BE TOLD, I NEVER WAS A FAN OF WINTER. THAT BOY WAS ALWAYS TRYING TO WALK UP ME. I RELEASED MY LONG FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
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HE RELEASES HIS LONG FORM
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TWITTER PHOTO. [LAUGHTER] NOW, I MUST SAY THAT THE STATE OF OUR UNION IS NOT GOOD. THE DEBT IS RAPIDLY GROWING. UNEMPLOYMENT IS QUICKLY RISING. PEOPLE ARE BEING FORCED FROM THEIR HOMES. I FEEL THEIR PAIN, BECAUSE IN
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TWO YEARS, THAT COULD BE ME.
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[APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER]
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SETTLE DOWN.
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SETTLE DOWN. [APPLAUSE]
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YES YOU CAN. [LAUGHTER] THAT IS ENOUGH OUT OF YOU. NOW, I WAS CRITICIZED FOR JOKING
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ABOUT SHOVEL-READY JOBS THE OTHER DAY. BUT, THE TRUTH IS WE NEED TO BUILD TUNNELS AND BRIDGES. THAT WAY PEOPLE WOULD HAVE
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OFF OF.
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SOMETHING TO LIVE UNDER OR JUMP [LAUGHTER]
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NOW, --
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[APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER] IN A RECENT POLL, ONLY 15% OF AMERICANS BELIEVE THERE WILL BE A GREAT DEPRESSION, BUT THE BAD NEWS FOR ME IS THE OTHER 85% BELIEVE THERE WILL ONLY BE A VERY GOOD DEPRESSION. NOW, I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT WE ARE FINDING GREAT STRIDES -- WE ARE MAKING GREAT STRIDES IN FINDING NON-COMBAT SOLUTIONS TO FIND A DEER WITH MUAMMAR GADDAFI, AND KIM JONG IL, OR AS WE REFER TO THEM IN THE SITUATION ROOM, TWO AND A HALF
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OF MEN. [LAUGHTER]
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IS HE NOT CUTE? LOOK OF LITTLE KIM JONG IL.
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LITTLE, LITTLE MAN. [LAUGHTER] NOW, ATTORNEY GENERAL ERIC HOLDER, AT MY DIRECTION, WILL BE FIGHTING ALABAMA'S CONTROVERSIAL IMMIGRATION BILL, WHICH IS EVEN MORE EXTREME THAN THAT OF ARIZONA'S. IT STATES POLICE HAVE PROBABLE CAUSE TO CHECK ANYBODY'S IMMIGRATION STATUS IS ANYBODY IS EQUAL TO OR GREATER THAN THAT OF JOHN THE CRY VERY BITTER -- JOHN BOEHNER'S. YOU WANT TO SEE MY IMPRESSION OF JOHN BOEHNER? WHAT DO YOU THINK? I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THE FOUR MONTHS. I DO NOT KNOW WHY THAT MAN CRIES SO MUCH.
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$40. THE SPRAY CANS ARE NOT CHEAP. LET ME BE CLEAR. I AM AGAINST ANY STATE IN A HEARING WITH FEDERAL IMMIGRATION LAW. SURELY AFTER ARIZONA PASSED ITS BILL, I RECEIVED A LETTER THAT SAID "MR. PRESIDENT, I WAS BORN IN THIS COUNTRY. I GET UP EARLY EVERY DAY. I WORKED EXTREMELY HARD. I COME HOME TO MY WIFE AND MY KIDS, AND STILL, THE POLICE STOP ME AND QUESTION MY INTENTIONS. I DID NOT THINK SENATOR JOHN
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MCCAIN SHOULD BE TREATED THAT WAY. OR DO I? NOW, I'M PROUD OF ALL OF THAT, BUT LISTENING TO THE ATTACKS FROM BY COMPONENTS AND THE RIGHT-WING MEDIA, YOU THINK I HAVE NOT GOTTEN ANYTHING DONE, BUT IT IS TRUE WHAT HARRY TRUMAN ONCE SAID -- IF YOU WANT A FRIEND IN WASHINGTON, GET A DOG, SO I DID. HIS NAME IS BO. HIS FULL NAME IS VOTE TO ITALY. VOTE COMES FROM MYMY OFFICIALS -- INITIALS BARACK OBAMA. BILLY COMES FROM THE AMOUNT OF SUPPORT AT DAWN FROM FOX NEWS. HE SLEEPS IN HIS DOG HOUSE EVERY NIGHT. IT IS NOT A NEW DOG HOUSE, FROM WHAT I'M TOLD, BILL CLINTON
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SLEPT IN THE A LOT.
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[APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER] PERHAPS MY EXPECTATIONS WERE TOO HIGH WHEN I TOOK THIS JOB. AS YURI -- AS YOU CAN RECALL, MY SLOGAN WAS YES WE CAN, AND I HAVE TO ADMIT, I THOUGHT WE
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CANNOT.
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COULD, BUT APPARENTLY, NO WE
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[APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER] SO, IN FRONT OF YOU HERE TODAY, THIS AFTERNOON, I'M
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(music) UNVEILING THE NEW SLOGAN.
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I KILLED OSAMA. WHAT DO YOU THINK? IT WAS NOT GEORGE BUSH. IT WAS NOT DICK CHENEY. THAT WAS ME. I DID THAT FOR YOU. SO, THAT IS MY NEW SLOGAN. I THINK IT IS PRETTY COOL. BUT, YOU WRITE-WINNERS SHOULD BE PROUD OF ME BECAUSE THE MISSION TO CAPTURE OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS NOT ONLY SUCCESSFUL IN THAT I KILLED HIM, BUT IN COOPERATION WITH TWO OF MY DEAR LIBERAL SUPPORTERS, PROVED A YOU ARE CORRECT AFTER ALL.
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TORTURE DOES WORK. [LAUGHTER]
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WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT? [LAUGHTER] BUT THE ECONOMY IS FRAGILE. IT IS BARELY MOVING. IT IS GASPING FOR AIR. IS DESPERATELY CLINGING TO LIFE, JUST LIKE NEWT GINGRICH, THE CAMPAIG'S CAMPAIGN. COME ON. HE IS IN SERIOUS TROUBLE. HIS CONSULTANTS ARE DROPPING FASTER THAN ANTHONY WIENER'S
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PANTS IN AN AOL CHATROOM. [LAUGHTER] SPEAKING OF CANDIDATES, A LITTLE BIRDIE TOLD ME YOU ARE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO CHALLENGE ME IN 2012. REALLY? HOW'S THAT GOING FOR YOU? OK. WELL, LET'S SEE. YOU HAVE YOUR FRONT RUNNER, MITT ROMNEY. NOW, DO NOT GET ME WRONG. HE MIGHT MAKE A GREAT PRESIDENT, ALONG WITH HIS FIRST LADY,
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SECOND LADY, THIRD LADY. [LAUGHTER] NOW, IT IS UNFORTUNATE THAT TIM PAWLENTY COULD NOT MAKE IT HERE, BUT CUT HIM SOME SLACK. HE IS HAVING HIS FOOT SURGICALLY
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DO NOT WORRY. REMOVED FROM HIS MOUTH. LUCKILY FOR HIM, IT IS COVERED UNDER OBAMANEY-CARE, THAT ALONG WITH SPINAL TRANSPLANTS. COME ON. JOHN KING SERVED HIM UP A BALL SOFTER THAN BARNEY FRANK'S BACKSIDE. NOW, BECAUSE OF HIM, PEOPLE ARE ASKING ME WHEN I WILL EXPLAIN THE DETAILS OF MY HEALTH CARE PLAN, AND I HAVE THREE WORDS FOR YOU -- SO AM I..
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NOW, THE DONALD. REMEMBER HIM? HE IS THREATENING TO RUN AS AN INDEPENDENT, BUT THE ONLY THING RUNNING INDEPENDENT OF DONALD
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TRUMP IS HIS HAIR. [LAUGHTER] NOW WE HAVE MICHELE BACHMANN
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TO R. [APPLAUSE] NOW, WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT MICHELE BACHMANN THAT SHE HAS NOT ALREADY SET ABOUT HERSELF? THE OTHER DAY SHE CALLED ME A
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ONE-TERM PRESIDENT.
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[APPLAUSE]
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[INAUDIBLE] [UNINTELLIGIBLE] -- ONE SYLLABLE PRESIDENT. I HAVE TO GO. GOD BLESS YOU. GOD BLESS THE UNITED STATES.
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GOD BLESS AMERICA.
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KEY WHY. THANK YOU.
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-- THANK YOU. [APPLAUSE] GOOD AFTERNOON. ARE YOU ALL STILL COME TO? -- POMP? I STARTED WITH YOU THIS MORNING. I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE AT A
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CERTAIN LEVEL, OR ABOVE THERE. VERY GOOD.
