President Bush and Rich Little (complete)

thank you Steve thank you very much a Laura and I are delighted to be here actually we are we you know we got to learn to laugh in this town and I appreciate the humor I really do I think a society that can poke fun of its political leaders is a society that's a confident society in a free society so we're delighted and I was looking forward to doing a little poking myself but in light of this week's tragedy at Virginia Tech I decided not to be funny many of the men and women in this room have spent this week reporting from Blacksburg Virginia you have interviewed reading students and faculty members you have spoken with the families who lost the child you have brought home to millions of Americans the sense of sorrow and loss that the Virginia Tech community is going through now and I appreciate your work at a memorial service on Tuesday I've told the university community that people all over this country are thinking about them and many are praying for them and so really this dinner comes at a at a good time it's been a tough week for a lot of folks particularly the folks in Virginia Tech and so I'm not going to try to be the funny guy but I had the opportunity to introduce one who will be and so thanks for the dinner and it's now my honor to bring to this podium a talented and good man rich little Thank You mr. president I can't wait to get home and add you to my resume as being an opening act I am delighted to be here this evening and my wife is with me too and this is a great honor to be back doing this dinner once again I did it in 1984 and they said to me the committee in 84 rich if you do a good job we will have you back of course I have to wait until everybody died but that's okay I want to tell you right off the top that I am NOT a political satirist I'm not up here tonight to make any point politically believe me I'm an impersonator basically do a lot of impressions of people and some of them are politicians you know I'm a nightclub entertainer that tells a lot of butt jokes you know and I'm just here tonight to try and make enough money to get my relatives Oh to Canada speaking of Canada hey did you hear what John McCain said about Canada to get the other day well I di I like I like Canadians I like Canada yeah I think you do good people at the only thing that I don't particularly like about Canadians is the way some of them come down across our borders and take jobs away from our Mexicans did you hear about the three Canadian hunters from Saskatoon Saskatchewan now that's cold up there three Canadian hunters were out in the woods one cold afternoon and the first Canadian hunter says look at this Charlie deer tracks here right in the snow we got deer here this is our lucky day second Canadian hunter says deer are you crazy I've been hunting all my life those are out tracks we got elk here third Canadian hunter says elk deer those are moose tracks moose for heaven's sakes no they're not they're elk no no that's deer no no it's moose anyway while they're arguing a train comes along and hits them did you people get this their train tracks in the Sun did this table over here did you get that oh no you didn't you lie you didn't get that are you from the New York Times you're from The Times and you got that three copies of culture warrior are going out to you tomorrow because we're looking out for you you know it's hard to know who to impersonate up here for you tonight because everybody's got a favorite and I do around two hundred impressions I mean I could possibly do somebody like and he's perfect for an impression because he's larger than life Arnold Schwarzenegger on Schwarzenegger Galvin ADA of California you know a lot of people a lot of people you know when they meet me there they're intimidated by me they don't know what to call me you know should they call me Arnold should they call me Annie you know Governor Schwarzenegger do you know what I prefer to be called president Arnold Schwarzenegger that's what I want I could do for you tonight a guy that I did a lot back in the 70s Johnny Carson and I love Johnny Carson Carson was the best wasn't he and he had so many so many different tics you know you know I I've been married four times and and the last the last divorce was the worst because after that divorce I was so upset I went into a bar I sat down on the bar I I don't believe I said this because this isn't really like me but I was really angry forgive me for saying this I actually yelled out in the bar all lawyers are assholes and the guy next to me says I I resent that I said really are you a lawyer he said no no I'm an asshole anyway I in the bar with this clown for the whole evening and at one o'clock in the morning the bartender said gentlemen it's time I I'm closing up and at this point this Joker that I I've been sitting with fell off the stool he couldn't get up he tried three times to get up he could not get up so I I went up to the bartender and I said where does this guy live and the bartender told me so I I picked him up and carried him out to my car and I drove him over to his house and when we got there I couldn't get him out of the car so I dragged him out of the car lifted him up one more time and carried him up his front porch and rang the doorbell and his wife came to the door and I said madam this is your husband I'm I'm bringing him home from the bar she said that that's very nice of you but what did you do with his wheelchair okay you know who else I could do for you tonight and I love you thought Colbert was bad I love I love to do this guy Andy Rooney from 60 minutes that little curmudgeon that you see at the end of 60 minutes every week the thing about Andy is is always asking questions everything with Andy Rooney is why here's a few things that bother me get off your scared half to death twice what would happen to you if you want to grow seedless watermelons what the hell do you plan here's something else that I don't understand how do deer know to cross of those little yellow signs never wondered about that this is stupid if those sign were intended for deer they would have been printed in deer language dumb here's something else if the sign makers people who make signs if they go on strike what the hell do they hold up if your vacuum cleaner sucks it's that a good thing and why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the Earth's Hemisphere and a hemorrhoid when it's in your body I don't understand that either you know when big companies ships styrofoam what the hell do they pack it in if you choke a smurf what color would you turn if you overdose on viagra how would you get the coffin lid closed never think about this I think about it all the time probably have to wait for a couple of passing elephants to come by Andy Rooney of 60 mats Thank You Jerry let's do some more politicians tonight we'll be looking to see what's cooking in Washington DC and the big white house on the Congress halls in the US Treasury this capital city of the wise in the Witte has presidents by galore Republicans and Democrats and bureaucrats galore sing a little song all about the throne in Washington make a little toast and we're gonna roast how things are done tell the joke and we're gonna poke a lot of fun poke a lot of fun happy Washington I'm gonna do six presidents for you right now six presidents starting off with one of my favorites I love the man I got to know him Ronald Reagan first who the hell are you people well you know somebody asked me the other day they said mr. president do you think the war on poverty is over and I said yes yes it was and the poor lost they did you know they should have quit when they were ahead and of course they didn't and we knew this but nonetheless at that particular time we were willing to negotiate with a group or a fraction within the group that was willing to negotiate with us and we went in there knowing that we weren't going to show up and when we got there we realized they weren't there either so then we wondered why the hell we went in the first place my god if they weren't there and we weren't there why did we even consider to go there at all this was a waste of time and frankly unamerican we put a lot of time into this and a lot of money and we didn't show up but they didn't know that they should have been there so we learned a lesson from this and I don't think we'll ever forget it and that is the next time were put in a situation like this well hell we're staying at home singing song all about the throng in Washington tell little joke and we're gonna poke a lot of fun poke a lot of fun at Washington next President Jimmy Carter Jimmy Carter huh this is yummy jump Jimmy : listen I'm here to solve your problems if you've got a problem hop them I'll solve it whether you want me to or not I really will I'll be there for you you know about 30 or 35 years ago I owned a peanut farm of peanut farm in Plains Georgia and I had the biggest and best nuts in the country in theory I did they were huge and those nuts those peanuts those peanuts that I have back then really came in handy later later when I became president of the United States because I went to the Arabs I went to the Arabs and I said of the earth I said listen if you give us all the oil that our country needs I will personally give you all the nuts that your country needs we will make an exchange oil for nuts and then I said if something goes wrong and you cut off your oil and we'll cut off you singing a song all about the throng in Washington tell little joke and we're gonna poke a lot of fun poke a lot of fun at Washington all right next up two presidents I'm gonna do Bill Clinton before you and George Bush Senior okay first of all here's George Bush Senior okay okay gotcha gotcha okay understand good good good good to be here you know the other day the other day this is true the other day I was talking I was talking to my good friend Bill Clinton and I was talking to talking to Bill and I said to him I said you know Bill we've known each other for a long time I've never asked you this before what's your favorite city in America you had to pick one city what's your favorite city in the u.s. well gosh I don't know I've got a lot of favorite cities I don't know whether I could I don't know whether I could pick one I would probably say New York City's one of my favorites planes planes Georgia's another I would probably say that Chicago I think Chicago is probably my favorite of all American cities Chicago Chicago listen that's the worst damn city in the United States I don't know why I don't know why the hell you ditch acog oh I can't span Chicago all I've got in Chicago believe me are hookers and hockey players did you know that Hillary was born in Chicago you know that Hillary grew up in Chicago George Wow what team did she play for singing a song all about the throng in Washington tell a little joke and we're gonna poke a lot of fun poke a lot of fun alright our next president I know you've been waiting for this george w bush and i'm not gonna compete with with bridges you know steve bridges cuz he could look like him but uh i just suggested a few minutes ago that the president should send you know Steve bridges to bag died he should go to Baghdad it'd be a wonderful idea but anyway let me do our current president george w bush in honor least six years ago six years ago our country our country came under attack these events can shake and shake the foundations of our tallest buildings but they cannot touch the foundations of America our nation is strong we have strong people we have strong muscles we will not tire we will not falter we will not fail and when this when this war a thong thing against stall extreme honestok fractions is concluded the hell did that mean I don't know we will look out we will look out and we will see we will see a nation at peace as I'm optimistic I'm optimistic about the future I see a country where I see a country where there is clean air and clean water and clean streets I see a country where there's no poverty and no bigotry and no unemployment I see a country where there is no bombings no al-qaeda and no terrorists I see I see Switzerland actually I am saying Switzerland it's it's coming in I can see it can see the city in Switzerland take a look it's the president laughing is he coming towards me good so mr. bin Laden please take note you take a moment from humping that goat we think you're wrong you think you're right I think your turban is tied too tight we let our women show their face and they make this world a better place so we'll find you on that mountain pass we'll hunt you down we'll kick your ass sing a little song all about the throne in Washington tell a little joke and we're gonna poke a lot of fun poke a lot of fun at Washington okay my last president and I know you've been waiting for this guy because I did him so much back in the seventies Richard Nixon you know I did him a lot back in the seventh of my own parents tried to have me impeached it was terrible nobody ever believed anything I said and my nose kept growing it was a terrible time but anyway let's bring him out of the mothballs one more time ladies and gentlemen Richard Nixon you know I remember I remember the first time I remember the first time I came to Washington this of course was years ago I was a young senator full of ambition I can remember the first day I went up to the hill and at that time of course I knew I knew that I know good god I'm having a jowl movement you know while I was president well I was present pad and I owned a house out in San Clemente California and we used to call it the Western White House and I would go out there on the weekends and right next to the house we owned this huge piece of property that went on forever beautiful piece of land and I remember I remember one one weekend I was down on San Clemente it was a beautiful day I took our little dog checkers I put him on the leash and took him for a walk in this field and we were walking along and I I was enjoying the afternoon beautiful day I was looking at the trees and and the flowers and the birds damn liberals and I was walking along and all of a sudden I noticed that the corner of my eye a car coming along the west side of the property and I looked came it it was a reporter it was a reporter from the Union Tribune unless clown got out of his car and he recognized me out there and he leaned over the fence and he said mr. Nixon is that you out there now this is where I made my mistake I should have told him the truth I should but that of course is against my nature so I decided to be funny I decided to be witty and that also is totally against my nature I don't know why I did this but here is this clown yelling out at me it's obvious what the hell I'm doing he said what are you doing out there so I said I'm trying to win a Nobel Peace Prize and he looked he looked at me he said but I said you heard me dum-dum I'm trying to win a Nobel Peace Prize and he said I don't understand I said well listen if you want to win a Nobel Peace Prize you have to be out standing in your field you didn't gather I said you have to be outstanding in your field this clown didn't get it either he took me seriously I was trying to be funny so he went back to the paper and he rode up he rode up on his column he said Richard my son's gone he's lost he's gone he's you be committed he said the wheel is still spinning but it's obvious the rodent is dead he said he's two sandwiches short of a picnic his elevator doesn't go to the top and I was outraged I was outraged reading this I couldn't believe but this but then what this fellow had written so I own down with the paper to get a retraction and I argued with him for about two hours got absolutely nowhere absolutely no and I realized was hopeless so I I walked out of his office walked to the elevator and I said to myself I said myself this doesn't really matter who the hell cares what he says I've had worse things than this written about me and after all I've lived a life that's full and not only have I lived a life that's full I've traveled each and every Highway but more much more than that the silent majority I did it my way for what is a man what has she gone if not himself then he has naught but through it all I made mistakes if only I'd erase those tapes the record shows I took the ball and oh my thank you very much I appreciate your reaction thank you for inviting me here today and you know it's good to laugh I know we're going through troubled times right now but you got a laugh and you got a smile and take your mind off you know things that are going on so if I made you laugh or smile the last half-hour it was all worthwhile thank you very very much

Channel: C-SPAN

Views: 662,861

Rating: 4.1506457 out of 5

Keywords: President, Bush, Little, Correspondents, Comedian, C-SPAN, CSPAN, Dinner

Id: INxuaI5Wosw

Length: 32min 40sec (1960 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 22 2007

Reddit Comments

[u/coolmike3]

Please dear God don’t let Rich Little bomb in front of the President.

[u/pregnantbitchthatUR]

God that was BRUTAL. The first impression was unrecognizable and it got worse from there

[u/[deleted]]

Hard to do well with that fucking introduction.

[u/FoB_SaGeT_LiKeZ_RiCe]

That joke about the 3 canadian hunters was pretty good. Gonna remember that one to tell this weekend at the bar.