Narcissists KNOW (but don't know) when they've done something BAD

hey everyone it's Dr Romy welcome back to this YouTube channel on narcissism and narcissistic relationships and healing from these relationships and this is going to be an odd video I'm hoping even the question I'm asking makes sense but how do narcissistic people know that their behavior is not good but not really know okay and before I get into this let you sit with that for a minute I want to share something about a my new favorite game I've talked about it Instagram but my friend developed a game called spello and I thought oh my friend did how good could it be it's so good I would have bought this in the store it's an awesome spelling game it is fun for all ages no matter we got kids in the family everyone and in a second I'm going to show you how to play I'm going to play a little clip to show you a little bit more about the game again it was made by my dear friend Debbie I want to let you know this is not a paid promotion it's actually a game that I really think you'll enjoy I love it um you need another person to play it with if I could play it alone I would it's something you might even want to think about as a Mother's Day gift for if you have a mom who loves games but it's just super fun and Debbie's just she she she makes up amazing things and go get it because it's great let me show you how to play my new literally favorite game spello and I'm so happy to say that you one of my best friends developed this game here bows in the middle continent here we're trying to make words think slapjack meets rle meets scrap it's everything you love in a word game and a card game kind of all mixed up so fun I want to go back there okay so here we go and is a mop okay look I'm getting all the B woohoo it's quick it's fun it's sharp I I have so much fun this isort of takes Bananagrams and whle my favorite things and levels it up okay so order it so fun especially as summer's coming up it's such a fun summer game and if you order it she's my friend so she going to give you a discount type in romeny okay so use the discount code ramany r a m a ni I romeny I hope one day we meet up so I can play around as bellia with you so let's go back to this video how do people narcissistic people know but no not know now this video reflects multiple questions and comments I have received over the years of doing this work right in one case a person was saying how her father was angry at her for at her for her leaving him feeling like an a-hole her father's Behavior was unempathic rageful vicy and she said the whole family walked on eggshells around him but he was angry at her because she thought he was an a-hole in other cases it was a narcissistic family member who took note of a social media post for example in one situation a woman had posted a quote I think from one of my books on her social social media and the narcissistic family member reached out and said is that about me and others have said that they've posted various in Instagram memes about or about narcissism or other kinds of you know similar quotes have gotten similar feedback from narcissistic family members so do they know do they not know what's going on here it seems that what folks are saying is that the narcissistic folks in their mids are a little bit aware of their assholery or their behavior and this is where it gets complicated narcissistic people are not psychotic they are fully plugged into reality and they were and they are well-versed in what qualifies as what constitutes good behavior they may even have contempt for it say things like oh so I have to do all the how's your baby and check in on their parents BS before we can start this meeting right so they know what they need to do to keep the sort of social trains running on time but the entitlement and the lack of empathy and the lack of Attunement to anyone but themselves means that they can do the performative dance but they really don't want to be bothered they just want to do what works for them now strangely in these cases the narcissistic folks were almost trying to draw these people people into a trap in essence that Dad it almost seemed like he wanted his daughter to just say it yes Dad Dad you are an a-hole yes or for the sister to say yep take a long hard look cuz obviously that quote is about you but once you do that you know the gaslighting that's going to come running at you in Torrance and then they will also go darvo on you and before long it's I can't believe you would think I'm an a-hole or call me a narcissist I can't believe you would do that I've done so much for you blah blah woe is me you know the rest so when this happens when they're kind of on to you it starts to feel like playing chess with the devil so when her dad kept saying so you think I'm an a-hole I can't believe you think I'm an a-hole or you think I do that clearly they do they're trying to draw you in and into a conversation you cannot get out of because frankly it's the wrong conversation however it's the only conversation that matters to the narcissistic person they don't really care that they are being an a-hole or entitle entitled or selfish or narcissistic they care that other people see it that way that's the issue for them it's not why do you think I'm an a-hole what am I doing that makes you think that quote is relevant to me no no no it's I can't believe you see me that way but they kind of suspect you see them that way so they kind of got to know it's what they're doing right so they all they only half get it they know they know that they aren't quite do they know they're doing something that's not quite right they sort of feel though entitled to their behavior but when it comes to owning up to it not so much then we get into the whole shame rage thing so it's easier to paint you as a terrible person who is making them feel bad darvo than to actually do a deep dive into their behavior and why you would possibly think it's toxic or a problem or that they are being an a-hole the way you go with this depends on lots of things including how volatile or even dangerous this particular narcissistic person is as well as your endurance and stomach for ongoing gaslighting ab and abuse and keeping it real about how much change is honestly possible and I'm betting on very little change being possible now one pathway is to say yes I think your behavior is a holy and here are the behaviors that are a problem and you focus on behaviors you don't say things like yeah I think you're an a-hole you don't say I think you are toxic or narcissistic you might give them specific examples of things that happened I don't know for example that they're chronically late and then they blame you you can focus on an experience you're having so for example saying I feel as though I have to watch every single word I say with you all of these are examples of going into the proverbial Tiger's cage that I write about in in my book and it's not you but when you do that you aren't sure how they will respond right so you got to go in the cage and figure out if it's a sweet little cat or a throat slashing tiger some folks in narcissistic relationships may do this as a sort of I'm going to prove it to myself I'm going to go in I'm going to do the thing I'm going to say the thing for couple's therapy I'm going to prove to myself that it won't work I'm going to fortify my radical acceptance I'm not a fan of this approach because if you go up a little higher okay thank you I am not a fan of this approach because I hate to see people people get hurt but it's one path another path is to maintain the charade no you aren't an no that post wasn't about you this definitely maintains the status quo though they may not fully believe you and it will irritate the hell out of you because now you know they kind of know they are behaving badly but they would prefer to blame you and they're not going to change and so it's almost worse the narcissistic person or people they get a kind of a win because you may even reassure them oh no that wasn't about you but that nagging Bou is still there those are basically your choices and they both suck because this is the Eternal challenge of these relationships narcissistic folks test limits they endlessly test limits so so they will behave more and more badly and unlike empathic self-aware people who will self-correct they will keep going until something stops them or you get yourself out of the situation some folks get hopeful when they believe that the narcissistic person gets it because they are asking about whether you think they are an a-hole or other people think they are or that a post might be about them you may think it's Insight but it's not it's suspiciousness it's the knowing just enough to know they did something other people don't like but not having enough awareness or care for other people to do something about it it's a tricky one and while I hate to be the stealer of Hope here I am on this one stick to your radical acceptance and if anything perhaps feel angrier that they were angrier that you thought they were toxic than they were in terms of concerned with actually fixing their behavior so yeah narcissistic people kind of know but when their behavior especially when they continue doing a again and other people start noticing it because many times they're they're really good at the closed door thing like they do it behind closed doors but then slowly as other people start to notice it what you will see is that they know they know that other people know they know it's not a good look and instead of taking that on as a call to action to be better they're literally almost going to be on a Witch Hunt to figure out if you think they're an a-hole once again these relationships are a colossal waste of time thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 57,299

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Id: mFb7i8c6Mz0

Length: 12min 8sec (728 seconds)

Published: Thu May 02 2024