*WAPOOSH* Top of the morning to you laddies! My Name is Jacksepticeye and welcome back to Dream Daddy. *Sings* A Dad Dating Simulator!" We're going to uh... what happened last night. We we were with Craig and we almost died on a treadmill. Which is really fucking great. I love that. I love Craig. He's the best one. He actually might be my favorite Dad right now. He's a dream hunk. He is a sexy man, and he knows how to take care of a baby. Joseph doesn't. Joseph does not know how to take care of his kids because they were just loitering out in the lawns. They didn't know what was going on Joseph wasn't even there. Also it's 2 a.m right now I had a sudden burst of energy. I want to get in and see my sexy Dream Dads! So let's in get oh, no. I must've fallen asleep? What time is it? shoot! It's 3:55! I'm supposed to be at Amanda school in 5 minutes? I frantically put on some clean clothes apply a generous amount of deodorant and run out the door. Nothing gives away an unprepared dad more than a shitload of deodorant. It's called a trucker shower *Reads* "Dad Tip #69: It's okay to cry if you're feeling sad" That's true if you need to cry just let it out.. don't hold his feelings inside yeah have to cry every now and then.... (Jack Sobs) =( It's making me sad just thinking about it. I arrive at Amanda's school and check in at the front desk. They give me a bright orange visitor sticker and send me on my way. I feel pretty haggard after not brushing my teeth or showering Dead giveaway, but hopefully nobody will notice I checked my watch and I'm relieved to see that I'm only two minutes late check my watch even though. I check my watch even though there's a big old fucking clock up there wait Is it room 103 or 108 those things are almost the same the 3 is almost like a half an 8 I spot a youth standing at his locker and approach him for help. Excuse me. Do you know where Mr Vega's classroom is? I pretend to be all cool. Oh my God!! Too young! Too young! The youth turns around and looks me up and down with a heavily lined eyes. Sigh. Come on kid I'm late for a meeting. Mr. Who? Mr. Vega, you know the guy from Soul, Calibur I I dunno. Have you tried the exit? Okay, wise guy you want to help me out or not? You know you're a dad when you use the term "wise guy." Sigh... fine Up those stairs and too the left can't miss him. I head up the stairs and walk around unable to find Mr. Vega class anywhere. After a couple minutes of searching I head back downstairs. That punk youth sent me on a wild goose Chase You also know you're old we use the term a wild goose chase. I get back to where that low-rent Gerard way From my chemical romance or McR as the kids knew them as they're not together anymore, are they? Poor my chemical romance. Is standing fully ready to give him the business when suddenly a head pops under the classroom next to his locker okay um.. Hugo, okay, I have fucking no idea What voice to give you ummm. Shit, what do we do um? Lucien why don't you have a third -
don't you have a third period to get to Cause he's a professor! He's scientist teacher daddy. So he's got to have a aristocratic air about it Fine, Mr. Vega Wow, now, I'm officially 10 minutes late. I glare at him as he walks away We're not cool. You must be Jack, this period is almost over would you mind waiting in the back? Hmm, Mr. Mr. Vega. Are you propositioning me telling me to wait in the back huhuh gladly Mr. Vega leads me in and I take a seat in one of the comically small students' desk in the back I may get stuck in this Come on Jack. You're a tiny little boy. Also I should point out I forgot to say in the second episode it was in my head and stuff was happening when I made my character I thought that my character was wearing a crop top when I was - when it was build that dad You remember you all love it you all had a good time during that section But apparently I was building a transgender Dad Because the outfit that I was picking was labeled binder And I didn't realize that they were wearing a binder not a crop top. So that's my bad. That was my I Don't know ignorance kicking in ignorance to that side of humanity although it were shit, I forgot to read it So apologies on that front I didn't read through the situation thoroughly, so I Didn't mean to offend anybody um Yes, Colin? Colin stands up and does the thing where he blows into the crook of his elbow to make a fart noise Who said it hmm? The whole class erupts in laughter. Colin! Get your fucking shit together! Messing around when Dr. Sexy... I mean doctor professor Vega is Doing his job All right all right everybody very funny Colin. Please Sit down now.. Holden Caulfield is an unreliable narrator in the sense that The bell For the end of the period rings all of the students immediately get up and make a break for the door. Oh sweet Jesus That was a bit different than I expected None of the voices suit the actual characters, but its fine cause I'm coming up with my own as we go Remember to do the reading and answer the response question on page 194 in your text or else *Scottish Accent* SEVEN LASHES ACROSS THE ASS!!! Nobody's listening or not I guess. No stick to your convictions Hugo Conviction. Mr. Vega turns to me and sighs Middle Schoolers, right? Don't you teach high schoolers? both you know.. budget cuts. right. Thanks so much for coming in. No problem. Mr. Vega, oh! Please please call me Hugo. I don't normally do these impromptu parent-teacher meetings, but as I'm sure you know Amanda's a very bright student and I'm concerned about her recent behavior What's going on? Amanda has never been the most Engaged student, but I know she cares Recently though she's been falling behind She's not completing assignments, and she's been doing rather poorly on tests But I normally chalk this up to Senioritis Senioritis do I have it? I don't know but this is strange I Thought Amanda always shared everything with me, huh if I had anime glasses on right now, I'd push them up So you get that sheen glare across my eyes to show concern, or maybe possible villain It hadn't even crossed my mind that something might be wrong I just wanted to ask is everything okay at home. Is she getting enough nourishment? Are you feeding her a third of greens on her dinner plate? Are you mean to her? We just moved she's fine. She has a tendency to box things up. NO SHE DOESN'T, SHE TELLS ME EVERYTHING 'COS I'M HER PAPA!!! I'M HER POPS!!! She tells me everything! we just moved Well, we just moved recently but it was only to the other side of town and Amanda was more Excited about it than I was oh See if you could talk to her about it. I know she follows you would values you a great deal. I'm sorry I'm not an English teacher. I'm not a wordsmith. Do you see William Bill Shakespeare written across my ass And would appreciate your guidance if she keeps heading down this road I know how important art school is to her and I would hate to see her miss out on scholarship money that she clearly Deserves. What you fucking saying that I'm poor you saying that I can't raise my daughter on my own two shillings well Fuck you, fine. I just make sure to talk to Amanda. Thanks for letting me know Hugo Hmm, anytime On my way out. I stop. Thinking for a moment, I turned to hugo and asked him. How did he get so buff? But realistically I asked him hey hugo Yes They ever catch that rye? ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha you don't become a dad without a few fucking jokes up your sleeve I'M NOT EVEN WEARING SLEEVES!!! yes, he gets a good joke. Hugo might be the dad for me hugo and Matt first dad's name I almost forgot, but then I didn't Hugo, and Matt are very similar types of dudes. Very upfront, very sexy, very handsome. I leave the classroom and make my way out of the school. One might say I even make my way downtown, walking fast Talking fast, what else would I do? I'm Irish? I'm still a little bit in shock that Amanda was able to hide this so well from me. I'm full of burps. She's always been such a force of positivity in my life, especially after we lost her father. Let's try not to think about it. Amanda must be done with classes for the day by now. I'm sure she would appreciate a ride home Maybe I can talk to her about what's going on. Also, it also plays into our cool relationship dynamic if my character is a trans dad So we don't know at what period they became trans so that might... I don't know if the game actually factors that in from what I picked as As my body type at the start of the game, so i don't know that'll be really cool I'm it really makes me happy though to see that the developers had the foresight to be THAT accepting of different types of bodies though and different types of Lifestyles for lack of a better term I don't want to throw terms out there because as I said I'm uneducated in this aspect of life, so I'm not going to try and talk about like I know everything about it. Um... But really really cool. I applaud you developers.. I pull up to the carpool and Amanda hops in the passenger seat, sooooooooooooo Did you have fun gossiping about me? Mr. Vega, and I actually just gossiped about our celebrity crushes Chris pratt Ryan Reynolds Shit, I don't have a third hand for Jake gyllenhaal. What do we do? Raise the Secret third hand So you talked about Mario Batali the whole time? It was a very productive meeting. I might have you know I'm pretty hungry can we grab some dinner? Sure thing buttercups sugar cakes. We can make something at home. Let's go to the mall food court. Let's mall it up!!! Does that sound good to you? Yeah, sure Why the Mall? Geez can't a dad take his daughter to the mall? Will you buy me things? What do you think? - I will buy a thing, singular, I'm not fucking made of money do you think I have a money tree in my backyard? Shit, I thought we did!!! sounds like a deal to me I love Amanda She's my favorite character in the game so far. We drive in silence for a short while, Amanda plays a game on her phone I should say something - please don't let it be Pokemon go you know Sometimes when a kid gets older they find that they have to keep things hidden from their parents That's okay because sometimes that's what kids do And that's okay, but also sometimes It's good to have the parents perspective because you know maybe the parents have also dealt with similar situations. Huh Huh NUDGE NUDGE, WINK WINK. I said those out loud didn't I? Fuck!!! And maybe they're a little cooler than you give them credit for Anyway, what I'm trying to say is it's good to share Love you!!! Inconspicuous Have you been reading my tweets? You have a Twitter? What? never mind. Look sweetie, Mr. Vega said you haven't been participating in class and that you're not turning things in Oh! I'm fine pops senioritis and all that did i pronounce that right? What do i look like a fucking doctor? I thought you liked Mr. Vegas class? Huh, it's fine. He's fine We pull up to a stoplight, and I eye Amanda she's still texting Give her that ol side eye emoji Maybe I should text her that. Just I want you to know is you can talk to me about anything ughhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Dad! I Can tell that whatever it is she doesn't want me knowing about it. That's frustrating Well, you can't know everything about your kid, but it's nice that you have that sort of connection that you're involved that you expressed Interest in her life that you're not closed off good Dad I heard Emma R. Is going to that Fancy art school in California. That's exciting Yep Are you bummed that you guys aren't gonna be going to the same school? Yep... Amanda keeps texting she stifles a laugh He he he, what's so funny? Uh... it's a.. I don't think you'd get it Okay..? Who you texting? Noah Who's Noah? Do I have to take a shotgun to some boy's house? My friend. Does he go to your school hmm? Yep? Do you... LIKE... NOAH?!? What no no no, dad? Ugh, I can't believe you would Dad Come on. I mean Jeez why would you uhhhhh? Gross Sorry, sorry Just asking. you know I'm protective of you sweetie cakes sugarplum and gumdrop I'm just trying to look out for you and see what's best for you. And Noah Might not be best for you. I know what boy's think. Dad he's just my friend Guys and girls can be friends. He's my friend Okay, okay. That's true, shouldn't be jumping to conclusions Dad mode deactivate geez This is going well. Just gonna take a sip of my beer you know Cuz I'm a dad and all i'm allowed. Shit I'm driving!!! Okay be careful. Welp, good talk Love ya kiddo. She leans forward and turns up the radio. I guess the conversation's over. To the mall!!! What's playing on the radio is it Ed Sheeran? Is it Harry Styles? uhhhh Gross! We arrived at the mall, a big indoor shopping center. That's usually what a mall is Except the grove in La which I went through for the first time when I was there a week ago great place!!! full of beer!!! uhh With a couple of different floors It's kind of dead, but that doesn't stop a mall security guard from yelling at a group of loitering teens Let's eat something disgusting for dinner Hell, yeah language, Missy. Kid's aren't allowed to say hell these days? heck yeah? better. We approached the food court and evaluate our options. There's greasy restaurant after greasy restaurant, my heart burns Just looking at the menus, nobody looks happy to be here Yeah, malls are usually full of youths and youths are never looking happy to be anywhere also Fucking kudos to whoever made the music in this game. It's so like boppy and Chipper. I love it What are you in the mood for? Bread dipped in sugar? Bread with cheese on it or do you just want me to inject some fat directly into your bloodstream? Boop, boop!!! Next stopp my thighs I extend my hand to her Would you do me the honor of sharing some nachos? She takes my hand with a grin it would make me the happiest cheesiest girl alive We order a giant pile of chips and unnaturally orange cheese from a very unenthusiastic, possibly stoned teenager We take a seat at the rickety table and dig in. man I wish if I ever had a kid than it would be like Amanda Amanda is cool. These are bad these are very bad, but also strangely delicious. It's the processed cheese It's unnatural I tell you. We have to eat through the pain. We enjoy the fluorescent cheesy goodness together till we're out of nachos so Something's been bothering me for a while Can you explain memes to me? I'm old What do you expect from me Amanda? I'm 27. I don't understand the memes!!! What's a pepe?!? I don't know everyone keeps typing in lowercase and uppercase alternating all the time Sometimes followed by SpongeBob, WHAT'S A SPONGEBOB?!?!? uhhhhh which meme.. all? All memes? Aw Dad - Amanda sighs deeply and places her head in your hand. Oh Dad.. it's Complicated see memes are inside jokes shared by a bunch of people to that get less funny the more people do it. I agree exhibit A So the problem is that by the time a meme gets to you dad all us Youths have already done the joke to death Example, what are those? Didn't Jake Paul make a what are those meme recently? Jake you're 20. You're supposed to be with it. You're supposed to be hip. You should fucking... dab on all the haters? DABS ARE DEAD!!! Only 27 year old Weirdo jacksepticeye's are still doing dabs And what's worse than that is that movies and TV and video games all try to jump in on a meme train Just but just based on how long it takes to make them that meme will be long dead by the time it comes out So it just dates it and isn't funny Exhibit a Donkey Kong dabbing in Mario Kart. You didn't have some fucking foresight there Nintendo, did ya? No Donkey Kong shouldn't dab. Mainly because the dab was dead by the time you put it in the game let alone When the game ages... the game is fucking fantastic. I love the game. I'm addicted to it Dabs. Noooo. if Nintendo were here I'd give 'em an old NO! oh Shit what up? Oh no? Oh, did you make a dat boy reference? here come dat boy? Dad please Anyway, changing the subject where to now? Want to go to the goth store? What? She's not goth You know, the one that's all black and try to establish itself as an anti-establishment Anti-disestablishment-arianism is their motto despite being an exact representation of the establishment Irony I Don't know what story you're talking about She's a, she's a full-blown Californian; everything ends in the question. You know well. I shouldn't say californian should say La-ian You know the one where you can buy chain wallets? And it's basically an assault on what people fought so hard against in the punk and hardcore movements of the 70s and 80s Dude, you've got to be more specific the one you threw up in that one time. Oh That one, heheheh cheesy burrito Place is pretty fucking nice. You know what, this style is coming back in, say what you want You know what's fun about living in Brighton actually specifically? Is that there's so many quirky and weird and unique Individuals that walk around Brighton all the time that no Fashion Trend is in trend that everybody is wearing all sorts of trends from all sorts of eras and everybody is absolutely accepting of that. I Fucking love that apparently Brighton's the It's a gay capital of the UK I know for sure I don't know if it's the gay capital of Europe somebody said that, but I doubt that's true And I fucking love how accepting and progressive and forward-thinking Brighton is, I love you Brighton! You're awesome! Amanda Runs into the store with me trailing behind her, she makes a beeline for the back There it is you can still see the outline kinda. I'm so proud? *Sniffs* What's that smell? That's pride I'm smelling. Speech! Amanda.. Speech! Speech! SPEECH! SPEE- ALRIGHT I'LL DO IT IF YOU STOP CHANTING. Amanda stops immediately. I clear my throat. *Coughs* I have a few words that I'd like to say, Thank you all for joining us here today to commemorate a Historic moment that would forever shape history, on a day very much like today some five years. Ago, our very own Amanda Ann Daddy had too much Blue Raspberry Slushy on an outing to the mall After begging her father to take her to Dead, Goth and Beyond, it's like Bed, Bath and Beyond but it's a play on words. It's a dad joke. to buy Rainbow suspenders She proceeded to throw up all over a display of My Chemical Romance merchandise. Take that Lucian in high school, mother fucker. Her loving father then had to pay for said merchandise, which to this day remains among our possessions Thank you.. Amanda is moved. She begins clapping, slow at first then faster and most vigorously. Several of other patrons turned their heads, one of them also starts clapping, I bow my head. Oh hey, chain wallets.When Amanda busies herself looking at Band T-Shirts, I try to find something of interest to myself, not much for a dad to look at in a Dead, Goth and Beyond. Let's think this over... Mmm, delicious daddy juice. Pursue the Band T-shirts, look at ironic mugs, check the clearance bin for hot deals, I'm looking for fucking Band t-shirts. If I can find a Lamb of God or a Slayer t-shirt, that'll be awesome! Also somebody at the LA Gamegrumps live show that I was on was wearing a Slayer t-shirt, and he fucking rocked, shout-out to you dude. I I barely know any of the bands -
Cannibal Bone Party? Sounds like cannibal corpse Doesn't seem like music I enjoy but they must be really happy that a retail outlet is carrying their merchandise. Dude, Cannibal Corpse are awesome! *Drum noises* Fucking pure, sheer death metal. I hope their parents are really proud of them, sure they are. Look this is very important to me, Hey, you look like Dracula Okay, what would dracula sound like? He would be kind of serpentine, wouldn't he? Hmm, okay. I overhear a stifled argument over at the cash register An older gentleman is carrying a garment and showing it to a bored-looking cashier with pink hair. Uhm, I can see that, don't know what to tell you dude. I just work here. Listen when I bought this online the website said this blouse was Victorian-inspired. However when I received it, it clearly held the trademark of Edwardian dressage. Do you want a coupon? I can give you a coupon. Will you leave if I give you a coupon? Is there a manager present?
People have to know what they're buying. I Am The manager.
I know what you're thinking; a bit weird to make a fifteen year-old a manager of a store But what can I say; us millennials are destroying society as everybody thinks. I See, one would seem that I've outstayed my welcome good day shop-keep, your superiors will receive a strongly-worded letter by post. Whatever, dude. *Burps* Sorry, Thought I had a bigger burp in me. It's because of all that *Pounds chest* daddy juice. The man whirls around and storms out, his literal coattails trailing behind him.
Fucking badass outfit. I wish I could go around in something like that.
All I have is my crop top going on for me which is Dream Daddy. I can't tell if they are Victorian-inspired or Edwardian in Nature.
Well he said Edwardian, he seems to know what he's talking about, so Amanda trops up- trots up to me with a t-shirt in her hand.
Oh boy, here it comes. Heeeeey, Dadtron 5000... YES, I'll buy it for you.
It's only 'cause I love you. Wow, that was easy. Thanks! At least it's only one this time. Amanda plops the shirt onto the counter and grins at the cashier.
I love your hair. The cashier says nothing and Rings Amanda up, Radiating hatred as a good millennial should.
I hand her a twenty. So, what was that guy's deal? The cashier rolls her eyes so hard, I'm worried she'll pull something. That's Damien, he's in here all the time. He's obsessed with Victorian Fashion or whatever She hands Amanda her bag, and it's clear the conversation is over. We make our way out of the store and head home to get some rest. Don't show any sort of fucking customer service anyway, WE WILL NOT BE BACK. Might be back for that Cannibal corpse shirt though, Amanda & I Sit in the couch, trying to find something to watch over bowls of ice cream. Awwww You guys are gooooals, I want to be your family. Oh cool! Long-Haul Paranormal ice Road Ghost Truckers is on, your favorite, right? Change out the Logan Paul Paranormal Ice Ghost- Road Ghost Truckers is on and you'll have my attention. Oh hell yes, they have to make it over the Canadian Tundra before the ice Road melts, but also they're hunting ghosts. Also, the trucks are haunted, as they would be. This is an episode I've already seen but it's one of the best, Callum and Flynt DogBone How can I compete with people called Callum with especially someone called Flynt Dogbone? Damn...
The twin brother, truck-driving and ghost-hunting duo find themselves in the greatest peril yet. Oh no, the ghosts done got control of the truck. I can't steer on them there damn ice roads! Let me use this EVP meter to try and communicate with the spirits. FLYNT WE'RE ABOUT TO DIE. Almost got it, if you listen carefully. It sounds like it's saying "You're going to die." THAT'S BECAUSE WE'RE ABOUT TO DIE. You- This is art. The episode ends and Amanda excuses herself to go and start some arguments on the internet. Anonymous hatred towards others, ohhhh hoo I raised her well. *Chuckles* I stay up a little longer curious, about the exploits of Callum and Flynt Dogbone, After their disastrous ice road incident. Afterward, I crawl into bed and get a good night's sleep. I'm heavily convinced that the only reason ghost hunter shows get any sort of traction anymore, Well, there's like two percent of people that believe it's actually about ghosts, but the other 104 percent are all into the whole fucking cheesiness that is ghost hunting shows. It's insane. They're so dumb, it's hilarious! Moving pictures is hands-down the best ru- Rush album. Mmmmm... Why do I get the feeling that Danny Sexbang was the one who put that in there? He had a rush shirt on the last time I saw him, what a sexy man. *Snores* Morning sleepyhead! Five More Minutessssss! You Have never ever let me have five more minutes so, get up! Ughhhhhh Fiinnnnee...... Gettin' up.
We have cereal for breakfast and spend the morning putting together furniture. Ikea Time, bitch. Amanda is much better at interpreting the tiny manuals. We're able to put together a few shelves on one desk, but I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be a bookcase. It's whatever, life is what you make of it, man. No one gives you an instruction manual when you come out of the womb.You kind of just have to play
by ear. So, you excited for the cookout today? Hell yeah, my chili's gonna be the best Excited to beef up my grilling skills. YEAH! If there's food, I'm excited.
This one. I'll see this as a learning opportunity.
if I can snake some hot grill tips, I think we can consider this a success. Don't you want to meet some of the people in the neighborhood? I'll probably end up standing uncomfortably in the corner with a plate of food and hope that nobody talks to me. You know, like when I was fifteen at the dance. Daaad, you're a beautiful work-in-progress. She knows just what to say. We will get that blur- butterfly to emerge from the cocoon. The social butterfly. Well, we better start getting ready, we definitely don't wanna be late. What? No, we have to be fashionably late. Who shows up to a cookout on time? Oh, God. She knows. She knows what to do. Is it just 'cause she's young? And hip? And cool? And I'm not? You know what, we're going early, just because you said that. I head out the door, and Amanda reluctantly follows.
We walk across the street to Joseph's house with a store-bought veggie plate. I'm a terrible cook if it doesn't involve a grill. I guess we're not as early as we thought we were. Joseph's backyard is already packed with people and the smell of hot dogs Wafts through the air. *Inhales* Breathe it in. Small children run through a Sprinkler and adults chat in small clusters, it's just like high-school. I set out our veggie plate down on a table next to two other veggie plates. Oh. *Burps* Hey, there's Joseph. I wave to get his attention. HI! The moment he sees us he jogs over, arms open wide. Welcome! I'm so glad you two are here. And you brought veggies! Let me introduce you to my family. Kids, Come on over here. This is Chris, my eldest. Hi...
This is Christian and Christie. They're twins. They stare creepily and say nothing. Hi. Then of course, there's our youngest, Krish. Wait. Where is Krish? Maybe Mary put him in his crib? Mary Mary, quite contrary from the bar? Oh god, it is. She was making advances on me, Josephia. Oh no, it's the woman from the bar the other night. Wait; what is she doing here? God, I'm full of burps, maybe I shouldn't be drinking Peroni. Oh! And how could I forget my lovely wife Mary. Joseph pecks her on the Cheek, she smiles. Oh Mary, sweetheart, did you put Krish to bed? I for- fucking forget what voice I gave this lady. I'll have to go look for him. What-? You'll have to-? Joseph takes a moment and regains his composure. Am I sensing a bit of a rocky relationship? You want to get away from her, you want to be with a dream daddy. I get it. I feel it. I'm into it, and you are hitting on other dudes I see how it is. This is such Kindergarten music, Remember? I remember talking to Nugget to this very music. I miss Nugget. He was the best. Mary, this is our new Neighbor Jack and his daughter Amanda. I'd shake your hand, but I have a glass of wine that I need to tend to. Of course you do, you fucking drun- I love her. Nice to ah, Meet you, Mary, FOR THE FIRST TIME.
I haven't met you while you were drunk and hitting on me. Charmed. Well, I have to get over there now. I was here, but now I have to go... There. Mary leaves.
Oh god, this is so awkward. I wonder if Joseph knows. I wonder if Mary knows that Joseph knows. What if Joseph knows that Mary knows that I know?
I wonder if Mary even knows, she was pretty fucking drunk. It takes all of my energy not to run away from the barbecue and start fresh in a new city.
Also, money problems. Hahahaha, my wife has a wonderful sense of humor, but please, you two enjoy the barbecue.
All the guys are really excited to meet you. And I, the guys. Wow, I think I've actually met everybody else.
Yeah, I think in the game now, I've met all the dads. I think there's one, two, three... There's six dads? I'm not sure. I forget. I'm trying to pull up the like, the artwork for the game in my head from Steam. Great. I bet you're excited to get to know everybody better. Hope you both enjoy yourselves Thanks Jo, Amanda & I mill around and try it some of the foods spread out on the table. I pick up some deviled eggs. Ooooh, Deviled Eggs. They're so good. Amanda grabs a small paper plate and immediately begins piling with it with the baked goods. Very good.
Ugh, I don't want to have to make friends. Come on, dad. Who're you gonna party with when I go off to school?
But I don't want to have to do Pleasantries. I feel you, in-game Jack. I hate small talk. Not to be Discouraged, I really love meeting people. I love meeting people. I love talking to people. I love making people feel at ease. I just love getting to know people. I love meeting new people all the time, that- me being an extrovert and all. But I hate small talk. I hate when you're talking to somebody and they're like, Yeah, so, the weather? And I'm sitting there like Sure... I fucking hate that. I don't mind talking to people, But if all you have to offer a small talk that we've heard a bajillion ca fucking fillion times then, ugh. Dad... Uuughhh, they're gonna TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER- *Laughs* I could not have planned that out any better. Oh, in-game Jack is real me. Oh, I love it.
Go, do it. Make a friend. But how can I possibly abandon my only child in a social function?
That's bad parenting, Amanda. This plate of cookies is my new dad.
Bye. *Chuckles* Ohh, I raised her well. maybe too good. I fucking love this game, man. I'm so much fun playing, ohh. Amanda shoves me into the center of the yard. Well, here goes nothing.
I look around the party and I'm surprised to see some sa- familiar faces. Samiliar faces. Isn't it the barista from the coffee shop? Didn't I meet that guy at the bar? And almost... Take his peen? Didn't that guy throw a Frisbee at my head?
Ooh, Brian you are such a sexy dad. I don't know, he's the most dad of them all.
He's has a dad bod, he's got a fucking BIG and lustrous beard. His great fucking freckles and hair coming out of his Shirt... I'm getting carried away.
Isn't that the guy who was throwing a fit at Dead, Goth and Beyond? Also, is- shouldn't he not be out in daylight? Because he needs to be in a coffin? Alucard? Isn't that Amanda's teacher?
Heeey, I know Craig. *Chuckles* Aww, that baby's so fucking cute. Wait a second... All of these people live in our cul-de-Sac? That can't be right, I'd better investigate. Talk to Robert and Brian, Sure. I glance across the yard and notice Robert and Brian chatting over drinks. Man, I don't think I want to deal with being one-upped by Brian... Or whatever happened with Robert last night.
Oh no... They caught me starring. Oh no, Brian's waving me over.
Oh hey! How's it going? Shoot... I flash a smile and walk over to them. Hey... Guys... Jack! How the heck are you? Settling into the neighborhood all right? Oh you betcha! Got the living room in order at least.
Also punched my own headphone, fuck. That's good to hear. I've been doing some living room work as well. Finally got the 50-inch in there, the game looks great in hi-def. Haha, suck it Brian. Got a whole 65-a-rooney in my house. Oh boy. Jack have you met Robert yet?
Yeah... We've met. Seen his dick. What were we talking about? *Chuckles* Robert regards me over his whiskey.
Good to see you again. You too. Fuck I'm all out. I need another drink. We were just talking about my most recent camping trip, spent a night out in the woods with Daisy and Maxwell. She's definitely in outdoorsy one, even caught her first fish. We get it, Brain- You know what, Brian? When I saw the artwork for this game, I thought you were the dad for me, but you are very narcissistic. Egotistical, too showy off-y, and that's a bad trait to have in a person. Humility and humbleness go a long way. It's good to see you taking your daughter out like that. I bet she loved it. Also, if you couldn't tell already, this is Soldier 76. Reporting for duty. And it's great that she loves the outdoors. Mine loves... Being inside. But that's where all the computers are and you saw how famous bill gates got. He is the most wealthy person in the world because he works in computers. He was inside all day. Take that Brian, you bitch. Brain raises his eyebrows at me. Being inside... Uh... Making art! She won a local competition for that art. Yup.
Did I put it on too strongly? Robert stares at me blankly for a second. Anyway, I haven't gone camping in years, not since the last time. Same here. Well, things change once you have a ki- Wait. What happened to the last time?
Robert takes a long sip of whisky. Well, ol' Johnnyboy and me where out in the backcountry. Johnny's a strong kid, Met him in my army days. Comes from Kansas. They built him tougher out there, good-ol' Kansas. Any of my Kansas...nians Out there? Sure. Anyway, things go south pretty quick. Johnnyboy breaks his ankle when the rope bridge snaps. You can see the bone popping out through the skin.
I, of course, didn't wince, just sipped on my whisky. Johnnyboy's screaming now, crying for his mama, Losing blood. We're two days out from the next living soul and here I am, with my dear friend Bleeding out in front of me, a real two h- hundred and twenty-seven hours situation. I'm able to dress the wound, got my skills when I was in Nam. But now I've gotta fireman carry a six-foot 180 pound man over one of the toughest terrain I've ever been in. I won't lie to you, there were moments during those two days when I've thought There were moments during those two days when I thought about leaving old Johnny Boy. But you built a bond with your brothers in arms. And that bond never breaks. I got that boy back to civilization, but I lost some of me out there. Specifically a whole chunk of my chest, check this shit out! Guess that's camping for you. I've never been on a fucking camping trip that was like that.
Brian and I stare at him in disbelief. Robert takes another long sip of whiskey. Maybe you should lay off the whisky there, Brian-a- roo. I'm just kidding, my friend John and I were inner- inner tubing down a river and he lost a flip-flop. Miss that kid. *Laughs* Or am I kidding? You decide, does my tone not give it away. Brian and I tense up again.
I'm kidding. *Chuckles* Phew. Amanda and Daisy barrel up to us laughing. *Laughs* Daisy's holding a paper plate in front of her like a steering wheel. We gotta get this haunted truck- we gotta get off this haunted truck. Oh no, the ghost locked the doors! Quick! Hit the emergency escape button! But the trucks don't have emergency escape buttons. Uhhh, hit the breaks I guess?
And then we'll get off the truck, the imaginary truck. Anyway, we're safe from the ghosts. But how will we ever survive this arctic Tundra? Daisy, you might have to eat me. Are you prepared to do that? I'm prepared to do anything to survive. That's cold-blooded, I like that. It's like the movie, Alive? If any of you have ever seen it? I'm cool And cultural like that because I watch movies that are older. Some of you youths may not know what it it Seriously, watch Alive, it's awesome. Although I'm not sure I have the materials required to properly cook you. You know there reminds me of the last time I went skiing. Okay, ROBERT... Wait a second, are you guys.... playing... Long-Haul Ice Road Paranormal Ghost Truckers? Did he just say the name of my favorite show? Yeah Amanda and I love that show! It's the best! Especially that episode where Callum hides Flynt's keys and- I FUCKING KNEW HE WAS THE DAD FOR ME. Flynt retaliates by breaking an ancient cursed urn and sending a spirit after him, YEAH! It's such quality reality television. I don't watch a whole lot of television, but I do enjoy that show, that and war documentaries. Reminds me of that time when I got- Alright daisy. I found us a couple of bugs. They're gonna make us a great meal, lots of protein. We're really gonna Bear grylls this shit. Just don't drink your pee 'cause that's a bad message to send. Gonna keep us from starving out in this harsh, icy wasteland. But there's a whole table of food right over ther-
Daisy. It's a game. We're playing pretend. That's what kids do. Live a little. Amanda give daisy a handful of gummy worms from the snack table. They eat them with mock disgust.
Let's go find kindling for a fire! Okay, but not in the actual fire because that's fucking scary, 'cause we're playing pretend.? Now you're getting it!
Daisy and Amanda run off, what a couple of kids. Man, I've never seen her get along with anyone so quickly! I guess Amanda just sort of has a way with kids. Just like her dad. I mean, not like that!
Her dad has a way with other dads. Not that her dad has a way with kids- oh fuck. That's... Kind of amazing. Daisy doesn't really get along with kids her age. It's nice hat he's not trying to one-up me this time. Maybe we can have a regular friendship after all... Really? She just kind of keeps to herself, Her teachers say she spends every recess in the library. I think the other kids are intimidated by her intelligence. There it is. I wouldn't worry about it too much, Amanda was shy at Daisy's age too. She used to have a habit of crawling under tables and crying every time we took her to a restaurant. She bit people too.
Oh ho ho ho! Kids, right? Gotta love them! You're required too by law. Robert, do you have a kid? Well since they're getting along so well, maybe we should try to put together a little play day for them. They do seem to get along really well, but the thought of continually hearing all of Brian's accomplishments is rough. Yeah, That'll be nice. Well, I don't want to take too much of your time, Go meet some of the other fellas! Okay, well we're not gonna meet anymore fellas just yet.
You know why? 'Cause THAT does it for this episode of Dream- Dream Daddy. This is going really well. I really like this, this game is fucking awesome. I love the dialogue, You can really tell they took a lot of time to get the dialogue really good. There's a bit of cheese in there, But it really feels like real people, you get a real sense for the characters when you're talking to them and I really like that! That's cool. I mean, of course the music is awesome. I already talked about that, you can tell the art style is awesome. You can tell that the characters, the way They were drawn is really fucking good. The- the voice casting for some of the characters is a little weird, But it's also the case of, Because the Grumps worked on the game they got some of the Grumps to voice some of the characters just for fun. So I'm not gonna hold that too much against them. Really fucking good game. It blew me away. I-I don't know what- I mean I had high expectations of the game anyway. Just by talking to Vernon, and how highly he regarded the game and As I said before his love and passion for the game were like, really shining through when he was talking about it. But it-it surprised me by how like... I don't know, concise it is? I don't know the word I'm looking for, it's really, really good. I really like it a lot but ANYWAY, THANK you guys so much daddy-ing with me this time. If you liked it, PUNCH THAT DAD IN THE FACE, LIKE A DAD!!! And High Daddies all-round!!! *Whoopsh* *Whoopsh* BUT THANK YOU DADS AND I WILL SEE ALL YOU DADS, IN THE NEXT DADDIO!!!! (Outro - I'm Everywhere By Teknoaxe) I tried to fit as much dads in there as they could. "The next daddio", that worked really well.... *Chuckles*
