Mock The Week S18E04 June 13, 2019

[Music] [Applause] hello welcome after week i'm darian joining this week our ed gamble carry government and Glenmore Milton Jones Hugh Dennis and Rachel Paris we throw it around called picture of the week I showed the panel of topical image and asked them to tell me what is happening so what is going on here when your dealers around the corner and you just can't wait he is putting his left leg in so I'm fairly sure he's doing the hokey-cokey before the condom disintegrates you've got anything to do with drugs I think this is ventriloquist's dummy on run after escaping from suitcase I'd be running scared as well if I was being chased by an invisible cyclist part of a regular race that he runs with other people around the Monopoly board sites in London and you get 200 pounds if you pass Gove he's the face of a man who's waited in all day and then there's a sorry we missed you slip on the map I can run forever me I can run forever I can run forever I can run forever as you got a sponsorship deal with Adidas where they pay him to not wear their clothes is it Michael Gove misunderstanding when someone said there was a crack in the pavement this yeah I believe Daraa yes he's Michael Gove it is and conservative leadership Canada Michael Gove enjoying a jog this week his leadership campaign ran into difficulty after he admitted to taking cocaine on several occasions whilst working as a journalist in the 1990s he went on to describe his actions as a mistake I find it inspiring okay I think if someone that stiff and posh sounding who wears glasses can kick that coke habit and so can i people are looking at an inspiring story really now that people have seen the positive I can understand the disappointment because I mean he started that campaign of clean for the Queen and I thought he was clean for the Queen but it turns out he was just polluted for the suited and booted and I find that guy what he's doing he's basically making illegal drugs uncool one by one he said he doesn't done coke now no one's ever gonna do coke ever again he said he stub someone in the 90s we could end knife crime great time and Isis he loved his time and in the money is it means the bad news I said he might look unlikely but I'm sure this is going to escalate I reckon by the time this is broadcast he will have been revealed as H from states from state was very shot wasn't he when he found out about it because he was I don't know where he's fit in because you had a busy lifestyle when did he fit in a coke habit it was easy to fit in a bit of Charlie I mean it takes doing putting your wedding photos in an album how he was given coke because firstly he's got to have been invited to a party and secondly has to have been fool enough to give him a mirror he doesn't look like he sniffed anything apart from his neighbor's knickers off the line the point where Michael Gove is worried that his personal career will be ended by these revelations are general toners you didn't therefore it was all for nothing it was quite a revelation to me that I have less experience with illegal substances than Michael go this never felt more white in my life I've been to a farmers markets by organic cider he's very worried isn't he about at least Baylor said that he might not be allowed into America because he's done it yeah if he sends a delegation to America the rest of them fly direct to Washington and he's gonna be in Tijuana trying to get over the wall to try and get out of it you said but it was 20 years ago like he was 31 I got 20 years ago thing like doesn't work as you get older and older like Majan the Queen saying it was 20 years ago he was 73 illegal rave I think the biggest drugs revelation from the Tory party is that Theresa Mae wasn't pilled up when she did that dance a lot of leaders have used drugs and like Hitler he sniffed marker pens [Laughter] who else who else is in this country and let's weed at the University you think well I hope she did she was there for three years Jeremy Hunt of course admitted to having a cannabis lassi in India which is which admits to taking drugs be sticking within the broad Tory agreement of blaming foreigners kind of as lassi or as he's better known scooby-doo the more you think about Mooji Mooji voila [Applause] dog is definitely on cannabis Roy's sure took the opium yeah but you didn't want to be in place at a wedding the other way when the opium goes round at a wedding one does mother you know oh yeah the very best he has the glassy stare of a glue-sniffer a betting shop yes it had no effect of me yes I took it but had not it had no effect on me they already know these are you kind of wonder how's the dogs catch on you're just thinking you're doing it wrong then it's just at yet another thing that you'll enact her yeah Boris Johnson was the best he's admitted to nearly taking cocaine but sneezing at the last second and blowing the cocaine everywhere even when he tries to be edgy he somehow ends up as mr. bean I nearly used the sex worker but just that last minute I slipped and my head got stuck in a turkey who as Matt Hancock are also good calluses this week but really I mean I mean but but the countess's have can't have led to this design choice at his launch I mean this is ridiculous because I think electric treasom a to his mei-fun so difficult to admit to any kind of misbehavior that now they're all trying to crowdsource the correct amount of be safe amount of misbehavior to say 21 do you think someone's gonna really overshoot it like Dominic Rob's just gonna go I killed a boy come we finally can we finally have a mature [Applause] okay in other news what's cans of dog labor this week well there was that there was a guy called Peter Wilson is that right yeah who was not on the NEC in his 76 and he was accused of sort of sexual harassment of sending texts to a much younger woman saying things like I'm in my pajamas fortunately he was so old he didn't know how to send a photo so I don't know the full card was full toner but like whatever but it does it there can't be any way in which this is an erotic thing to say I've got my pajamas when you get over 70 that's that's what sexting is next it will be I'm walking downstairs in my long nightshirt and funny hat I'm just pouring out my whole and I'm slowly ascending the stairs I said you sound foul of the engine of my sauna rubbing the vapor rub all over my chairs filling up my hot water burr is a good labour chat-up line in the first place do you say sign like that is that a Communist Manifesto in your pocket do you just have a weird square dick [Applause] [Music] now when you play around cold blow blow blow your votes this game involves then more and milton-jones if you could make your way to the performance area please this rounds the stand up challenge I launched the wheel of news and wherever chooses to stop one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject okay here we go let's spin the wheel the first of UT's domestic life who wants Glen I've got two housemate Sarah and shalil and it's not the Sarah and Cheryl I think a lot of people get excited when I say I lived of Sarah and shall it's not the famous Sarah Angelou you're probably thinking of yeah I think a lot of people think I'm talking about Sarah and chill from aqh 2007 GCSE maths exam question three Sarah took away three of them it's not there maybe Matt if it was my housemates but the problem is they've got way better jobs of me and they always complain about those better jobs like my housemates Sarah she works at ITV always complains about the fat just to stop work at 8:00 a.m. why I'll get if she hated it so much she's just changed Department worker ITV plus one starts at 9:00 that's my shillelagh on the other hand has got a way better job than me and it really bothers me cuz he's a lot more stupid than me to put this into context up until last year he thought that the rice krispies characters were called snap crackle and poles he's a dick my housemates always keeping me up late at night always playing really loud music always playing Dizzee Rascal ought to give him his real name at DISA before a Scott we're just different people like they're into really energetic high-octane activities and I'm not they like things like paintballing I don't enjoy paintballing I've never really enjoyed the violence of paintballing I prefer to sit in the trenches and write poetry about the horrors of paintball whereas they make fun of me for literally every activity I ever do a once rip the piss out of me cuz I queued up overnight to buy the final Harry Potter book because I've parents been out for years we got kicked out of our flat a few years ago and it was a nightmare I remember saying goodbye to my housemates for the final time and said goodbye at a train station then we went our separate ways Sarah departed Paddington on a train leaving at 65 miles an hour - lil Department I thought it was just bad luck but I'd lived the people I didn't like I'm an unlucky guy I come from an unlucky family not my dad for instance unluckiest person I've ever met last year who's traveling in an uber for the first time fell asleep for one minute got give him one star that is bad luck uber said he was a bad driver but ice bad luck that leaves us with Milton let's see where your chopping is let's spin the wheel and robbing his Parenthood away you go Burton I went back to my parents house the other day looked into my neighbor's garden where I used to steal apples as a toddler they didn't mind me stealing apples it was dressing up as a toddler they told I come from a family of auctioneers as my mom my dad my uncle Phillip auntie Eileen buying grandfather going I said to my dad I keep making mistakes he said you're talking to the wrong person I said oh no not again he said well it wasn't as bad as that uber driver had the other day I fell asleep [Music] so Calvin Klein's mum has labeled everyone else's pants when my daughter was born she had jaundice so there she was small round and yellow we called her Melanie apparently I didn't even turn up to one of my own children's christenings according to one of them they shall remain nameless [Applause] this is the answer what is the question on the board of six categories Rachel which category would you like and I'll take a gamble on sport please all right can you go try sport okay the answer is about a million what is the question it's how many emails do I get from group on every single day how many times a month does my exaggeration Club meet is it how many things have I got to do today I'll never fit that cocaine since I was last them not the week how many tweets have I had about love Ireland you slept with anyone yeah wow yeah love island and I commute to do mock the way Twitter account a mixture of you and the guy yes of course I've seen Curtis Gambill 12 making you is it making me cross oh only in the sense that the moment I wake up every day until the moment I go to bed is just an onslaught of social media about me being on [ __ ] love is it the prize money in the new game show who wants to be approximately a millionaire is it what ransom does like quite a relaxed kidnapper asked for I'm not picky about this you know like just a couple of bags worth how many times is Diana Ross being phoned up by people trying to get Dyna Rod Diana Ross no dude rains thank you how many people would my uber driver have to mow down before I gave him anything last five mister Dora yes how many times have I told you not to do that you do I'm in my pajamas is it how many times we can look forward to everyone mispronouncing Jeremy hunts name over the next day when I have an evening to myself how many steps does my watch say I've done is it how many decibels does the Fox below my window orgasm at home too as well yeah [Applause] it sounds like it's saying ad [Applause] taking a view on the violin well carry me over the line [Applause] because then you know the correct answer how many people have been buying tickets for the Women's World Cup absolutely right I've been sold so far for the FIFA Women's World Cup this is the news of the tournament kicked off during a busy time for sports and also includes football's nation's League and the Cricket World Cup as well now have you following any role of this yeah I've been singing three lionesses on the shut asses it's very early in the tournament against Scotland we've got 6.1 million views which is great so they're the lionesses yes they changed they change the badge do they do it like Disney do and just put eyelashes on the Lions years ago a great big green top and big gloves and I told him to see my mum and she whispered to me she's a keeper the women's manager brother Phil never been channeling Gareth Southgate Neville is the manager of the lionesses yes imagine immensity is Phil Neville allowed in the dressing room for the halftime team talk does he have to be sort of like we're doing a really good good look me in the eye and tell me you can't do better are you gonna talk about Lotus for not cuz I've got a note okay yes sir please excuse Carrie from talking about PE unfortunately she doesn't understand this thanks mrs. Carey brackish carries mom oh hi Carrie back to the hall I can't really imagine a Phil Neville motivational talk to any extent he's got all the authority of me going Camille we've down inside the train carriage plays what we do is he can channeling and waistcoat oh this is Charmin over God oh that's very similar isn't it to the waist could the famously karisoke who's wearing during last year's World Cup it is very similar that's how yeah it's all like that Carrie look around I look like the opposite of that but you gotta remember you look like a graphic designer in the way to a funeral I think it would be nice if we stopped focusing on what the men are wearing and actually maybe listen to them a change if they didn't want us to look at them right is provocative the right places that's the arms are wearing waistcoat afford themselves where's that tie pointing yeah [Applause] something mixes wolf is good to objectifying Phil Neville [Applause] in other news what did someone find in their palate of raspberries at a Sainsbury's in Basildon this week lizard lizard he's going on the lucky one really my brothers in the gym somewhere there's a mob boss telling his henchmen you need to make the warnings less weird Sainsbury's really pushing their taste the difference right the headline in the Daily Mail was illegal immigrant found stowed in potential British [ __ ] we're Jack and Rose have sex it's like a coach tag down all right took a minister carrying the panic that is now it does feel like that they should I mean in that situation would you ask which for help Oh would you just go magic ghetto must be about thirty or forty honey of raspberries three quid tops I mean you know if you would alert the Stars they're gonna take the Gekko no there isn't an unexpected oh it is living the situation for which that phrase was bruised and bent it is one of the ingredients of a black forest kicker sometimes I surprise even myself carry under a breath just one master class [Music] now we can see scenes we'd like to see so if everyone can make the way over to the performance area I'll read at this week's topics then we'll see what our panelists can come up with okay here we go the first subject is on Lighting's for a sports commentator to say Wimbledon day three still not seen one [ __ ] Womble pass pass pass another pass sorry I'm on tinder welcome to coverage of the first ever Willy Wonka Olympics officiated by the umpire the lump I and the dumper teed umpire oh I'm at some excellent curling I have never seen a dog take a [ __ ] like that before and that was nine point six seconds sorry to ollie Faye's Hamilton Hamilton is driving at 180 miles an hour this is not the musical I expected welcome to the Tour de France presented by Frances de la Tour de France and now it is just mo farah against the clock which doesn't seem fair doesn't even have legs mister and he's gone down in the box fair enough either birthday well after arriving at the wrong nation England believe they have now arrived at the correct one they think it's Moldova that is now and welcome to our fifth day at The Oval today can it go on that's a clean entry very little splashing and a lovely flick at the end this really is the most impressive urine sample I've ever window well you have to hand it to relay runners done here the parachute has failed to open at 300 meters and you can't make mistakes like that at this level oh this is the compass Grand National I've ever seen oh sorry it's the dressage has that crossed the line she's calling HR so I think it did well he scored what a weekend Michael Gove is gonna have the next Abigail unlucky lines from a romantic novel I know I promised you fellatio for your birthday she said but they didn't have any so I got some vermicelli ever since our night of passion I've burned for you she said desire he asked no cystitis she said turn the light off she said what about all the boats said the lighthouse keepers [Laughter] [Applause] I'm not the most sexually minded man George told her and I know that the average man supposedly thinks about sex every dick-sucking six seconds be mine had you heard right no he said b-minus this essay is [ __ ] Anastasia Steele stood in front of Christian Grey dressed as a mummy I'm sorry she said I thought you said you were into bandage she'd never forget his first words to her cheer up love might never happen he gasped with her hair cascaded down well it was February waxes in winter carry me upstairs she said I'd rather not said the lighthouse keeper Simon sidled across the nightclub floor and used the one chat-up line he knew always worked did it hurt when you fell from heaven he was literally perfect in every way as far as she could tell from the dick-pic he took off her top and did what makes all the girls go crazy [Music] I wish I knew how to quit you said Michael honking another massive line of cocaine our relationship is on the rocks [Laughter] that's inevitable said the lighthouse she felt the strangers hands slide round from behind and gently cup her breasts I am with child she said yeah but you're not actually a child so it still fall fair he stood before her almost naked and slowly reached down no she whispered leave your socks Molly was stunned as she reached into the bucket of popcorn next to her and grasped two big handful of her boyfriends penis after all she'd gone to the cinema alone a bad moment she knew was butterflies in her stomach that she was banned from the London Zoo butterfly house new show this week's winners are congratulations a myth enjoy a few days I'm Rachel fire thank you watching I'm Darwin good night what would Malcolm Tucker make of the news watch all four series of the thick of it on BBC iPlayer now aramis reviews the big stories of the week and he's not alone the Rankin nations Sunday night at 9:00 here on BBC two ahem catch last weekend's episode at quarter past eleven straight after news night next [Music] [Applause]

Channel: SUZANNE FOUASNON

Views: 239,820

Keywords: Mock The Week

Id: vkSn-BNxzEs

Length: 31min 1sec (1861 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 22 2019