Mock the Week Series 14 Episode 11 - Rob Beckett, Ed Byrne, Milton Jones, Ed Gamble, Holly Walsh

[Applause] hello and welcome to mock the week I'm Dar Breen joining me this week are Ed gamble Holly walon Rob Becket Milton Jones Hugh Dennis and Ed burn we start with a round called picture of the week I showed the panel a topical image and asked them to tell me what's happening so here's a picture of the Chan of Checker this week so what's going on here is he trying to knock Boris Johnson off his bike got a look in his eye like that's what he's David says I should always be the receiver is this Osborne's idea of sports casual yeah that is actually boarding school PE kit that's if if you catch the ball he takes away your disability benefits is this is this November in the least sexy charity calendar ever just just hold it it looks like the it look like some sort of like high-end sex doll for women with very low self-esteem he's going all right Dave let's play a game Let's Play piggy in oh no let's not play that to be honest he's probably thinking this is exactly the kind of photo they use on mock the week I know we're be seeing this on a Thursday night and on day forever I'm trapped in this quasi athletic pose for all eternity have they done away with the red briefcase is that is it conservative leadership contest Hots up when they find Thatcher's last egg oh I wish that was the actual answer you see that they have like uh sort of break time in number 10 where they all just sort of go down at 11:00 and just play games well like prison yard time just walk around just out of shot is Cameron just doing weights just really you never see that way all got a big sleeve like there's Boris Johnson making a shank out of a toothbrush labor leaders like with one tier for each labor leader didn't you know what it is what why in the news this week oh they had their conference didn't they the conservative party indeed they did thank you very much Rob yes this is chancellor George Osborne and I heard to the Conservative Party Conference this week a recent survey has put him well ahead of his Rivals to succeed David Cameron as the party leader it's a excited to know that this is already started party leader election which will take place in 2019 and there already polls about who's going to be taking over well I hope it's not him actually I hope it's Boris because if if Boris gets in and Corbin's in you can forget about politics all together don't have an election have no election at all and just settle it all with a bicycle race first one's a Brighton forms of government the well have you watched the conference I'm waiting until the full box set comes out I'm just going to watch you dip in and dip out is a runer for it really does I don't get the full character development no you're right the other pose the sex doll does that he's doing a Spice Girls dance routine that is previous to his speech that is a stance he adopted I don't know for how long was it just a lucky photograph or was he like that for the entire speech just standing awkwardly buffeted against a a wind so we can't pict picture he he did an interview that made him look uh I think the idea was to make him look sort of human oid but he said it was just some with the it was like he was deliberately trying to throw people with with the things he was into like some of his favorite train spotting one of his favorite films or one of his favorite gigs he ever went to was NWA yes I can't believe he hasn't got that mixed up with something else I'm sure he went to see TLC or just was once in nw8 which is which is Primrose Hill as far as I know it's very nice part of London kind of place beang this but that is actually NWA he so him at the brickson Academy a singer from his village called nice white Allen or it's the national waterways Association uh which is a lot harder to do a driveby with a barge did they not do a truck called [ __ ] the Police though they did yes and is that not being a guide to his home office spending cuts what does NWA stand for again Dar it stands nice Lads with attitude that is for them to say it is for them to say that is the way it works that is the way it work then the rules that's fine equally they can't call me Patty it's uh you know whenever I meet Ice Cube uh I say and he goes pwa is that what you yeah patties with Attitude yeah I I've often joshed with ice about that that's why I call the band [ __ ] the G just for the Irish such a strong statement I don't think I couldn't do that my level's like finger a special comforable that's did he know he also said didn't he that he in this interview that he'd lost a lot of weight over the last year he lost all that weight doing the 52 diet which is where you eat for 5 days and then you starve yourself for two days and he liked it so much he put loads of families on it I like the T idea of Tories Wonder around Manchester oh so what is it Zone 70 been up here before chips and Grave you got his you have you ever seen Ian and Duncan Smith in the same room have you for the last one thought they were double at there obviously some kind of benefit scam I'll just sign this for a Duncan Smith as well it sounds like it's a nickname doesn't it like Ian dun how you get that then he loves a biscuits covered in OBS like e used to work as a plaster something down the s d we that contract am of biscuits he at yeah leave it that Duncan um can't do an English accent apologetic I was English accent love it don't go and do that the most no not now not the biscuits oh don't and P I'll be getting all this for my trouble and [Laughter] [Music] stri so racist though my Heritage yeah yeah sorry uh what is Michael go planning for British prisons he's going to sell them he's going to sell them off for what though he's going to sell them off in uh in the city prisons he's actually going to sell off for Flats is there they won't be calling prisons OB they call them gated communities I only hope that the viewing starts early and there people middle class couples looking around going oh yes no no oh no we could we'll knock through here and there's a blow try that already is though he's trying to reform the prisons after he turned the school system into the prison system you get sometimes sometimes when I'm sitting next to R I feel like a bus driver with a guy just standing up front talking to me another thing yeah and you know how you stop yourself falling over if you're doing that you've got to really just spread your legs in France is it called doing a bit of cross on what a bit porridge is it oh porridge sorry yeah oh sorry I forgot I wasn't in my world I bought Alpin the other day without added sugar I was he sick was not eating the bottom of the amster cage how do you know that cuz I was really hungry one morning I [Music] didn't a lot of prisons are more independent now anyway uh Broad more strange ways Australia by Jeremy Hunt on the train you hear what happened to him he pulled the emergency break no he didn't pull the emergency brake he pulled the emerc alarm he pulled the emergency alarm while in the toilet got confused about how the toilet worked pulled the emergency alarm pul and they made an announcement somebody has pulled the emergency alarm in the toilet if anyone could go you know cuz no doctors were there CU they're all still working and couldn't get to and then he like sh the door to open and that kind of Star Trek styly and the minister for health had to walk out and go I always wonder this about guys on train like do you stand up to pee or do you sit down to pee because it's moving so much oh I stand because it's a exciting challenge you have to stand you call basically you stand as Osborne does just before legs far apart so that actually in many ways you're much closer cuz You' you've moved her your entire hipages lower right yeah and then one arm holding the back wall and the other arm holding a pole and then you know you're there you're and sometimes just to add an extra bit of spice we won't lock the door tick tock tick tock at any minute that's going to open and s's going to see me in cruciform position but then eventually that buzz goes and then you have to do a stand up poo just to really get that high if you're not standing up you miss the whole of that vacuum thing which is the best thing about train Lees isn't it like the normal there's nothing exciting about that is it girls don't see it do they cuz they're still sitting down when they press the button it go no no we get up we get up to do that yeah we would be we would be sealed in it if we s you would go in there and you would just find some women's waiting for you to prize her [Music] rock prince charming to the rescue yeah my lady would you like me to yeah I like how quickly we've moved from the T Party Conference to shitty at the end of that round [Applause] here now we play around called gwa Gaggers with attitude this game involves Milton Jones and Ed gamble so if you could make your way to the performance area please this round is a standup ch I launch the wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject okay here we go let's spin the wheel for the first topic and the first is Parenthood who wants to come in that Ed been thinking recently that I should maybe have a baby but thought about it and definitely not couldn't handle that amount of responsibility something that precious it's terrifying you know I've Got Friends who've just had a baby and they offer that thing around like a plate of biscuits do you want to hold my baby do you want to hold my baby I don't want to touch your baby that is a heart in a bag I'm going nowhere near that thing you wouldn't send the work experience into the boardroom would you start me off with holding your uncle and I will work my way up this is Uncle Toby 47 from swansey don't worry about dropping me Ed I am absolutely shitfaced still can't help it I still think I might want a baby like there's just moments in life I'm just grabbing at signs from the universe think oh maybe I should have a baby so to me the other day I was in the queue in a shop to buy a new light bulb uh because I'm not a student anymore my light bulb would gone I'm not going to sit there in the dark for 6 months so was in the queue and in the queue in front of me was a man with a baby uh he was a dad you've got to give people the benefit of the doubt in that scenario can't go storming in going excuse me is that your baby you've just got to admit it probably is right and on the wall there were these light switches they weren't real light switches they were just like designer ones to show you what they would look like on the on the wall uh and the baby was playing with him was going da da da playing with him and dad was going yeah try that one he I saw that I thought oh that's quite sweet maybe I want a baby there something in that Tableau that I quite like maybe I want a baby am I Broody is this brood then the dad walked off with the baby and I wandered over to the light switches and started playing with them I thought oh no that's what I wanted go that so that leaves us with Milton let's see what you've been left with let's spin the wheel and the topic is transport so I was on the bus the other day driver stopped got off wouldn't come back apparently some bloat with big teeth kept talking to him before that though I overheard a mermaid on the bus she said I like sitting on the beach but my other half likes [Music] swimming anyway reading between the lines is dangerous if you're waiting for a [Music] train anyway I did a show in Liverpool recently and afterwards the bloke came up to me and said Hey listen I want to talk I said we just keep practicing next month I'm in Northern Ireland County Down 4 3 [Music] 2 I don't need a relationship I am a rock I am an island sometimes I go down to airport arrivals and I stand with a piece of cardboard saying no one well I did that until I had to give a lift to a Mr noon job give that round the port go there [Applause] gumbo our next round is called if this is the answer what is the question on the board of six categories Holly which category would you like please may I have home news Okay home news it is and the answer is poultry axes and pills what is the question is this the ingredients for the hardest ever episode of Ready Steady cook is it what gave my sister the H night she wasn't expecting is it what three things are inadvisable to smuggle up your [Music] ass what are the only three ways I can still get the horn is it what is the actual title of an in Aldi is it what accessories come with the Charlie Sheen action figure what three things do you need if you're going to cook [ __ ] o valum is it a night out of Bill Cosby is it what respectively makes you a threat to vegans trees and [Laughter] headaches is it what ingredients does hon blumental need to make a lemon merang pie what are the only three things the BBC haven't managed to build a Bake Off style show around what three things do you need if you're going to make an abattoir where the chickens have a choice oh that is wow that is dark so I put it to you again M clerson shall I do it or shall you do it then you know the correct answer is it actually is it what are you allowed to have a plastic okay what are you allowed to get a free plastic bag with if you're buying I didn't say this right say one more time okay if cuz it's really technical cuz it's like it's what are you allow what no I can't do you have all the B what does it what what what are the exceptions okay I've got it I've got it what are the exceptions to the free plastic bag [Music] no I've got it what three products would it exempt you from the 5p charge on a plastic bag that's ABS say that I was going to say [Music] that yes the question I was looking for is what are some of the items that are exempt from the new 5 Pence charge for plastic carrier bags the government introduced the charge throughout England on Monday to reduce litter and protect the environment like you paying 5 P for a bag when you get a trolley for a quid can't you the the reaction has been fairly over to this is the front page of the daily mayil plastic bags chaos looms because you got to pay 5p this is the thing that we introduced in Scotland in Wales in Norland in the Republic of irand been there for 10 be honest Dar you and I moved here when it was brought in the Republic because of theeland was laid waste people fought over bags put them over each other's heads CH people it was hor it was brother against brother it was father against mother it was carage and irland over the B what what a bag how bag Edon I five perer bag though that's good it I've got loads of plastic bags under my sink I'm going to start selling them outside Asda for 4 P yeah people are opening back drawer and going I'm a millionaire it might turn into an insult though might it 5p bag just go yeah your mom's a 5p bag if in if you was in a massive Tesco and you got yourself a bit of Cherokee gear um you could uh did you not buy Cherokee from Tesco what's Cherokee it's their brand of clothes in Tesco I'm not in my world am I I got a smer souit from AAS 20 quid I really caught fire walking down the road I didn't need a hanger just stack through it in the air on the ceiling no one shall only wear Cherokees if you buy clothes in the supermarkets will you get a nice bag or I'm sorry I'm I'm more intrigued that the Tesco clothing range is called Cherokee something like that I might be saying it wrong cuz I said what did I say wrong the other day those M M M mados Mardo I said why are you looking at me like we live together the other day love what was it what was it I did that I did the opposite that with with your mispronunciation I accidentally called wagamamas wagamamas that's theous that's the poest thing I've ever done in my life I [Music] prefer when we were underage and trying to get served in pubs you know Bombadier the AL bombarder one of my friends panicked and said can I have a p of Bombardier please yeah in other news what unexpectedly appeared in St Albans recently is this the um the big hole Yeah it's the big hole Yeah sinkle the sink hole yeah this is the hole that appear appear albs last week uh it's to 3T deep and it's 60t across that probably doesn't give the full scale of I think we that's just appeared one day if that a sinkle what does the sink look like that picture though is completely weird isn't it there looks like there is an a tennis ball un helpfully unhelpfully placed scale is a hedge that looks exactly like a tennis ball three you can about four tennis balls I think it's interesting that you say what appeared a hole appeared I I would think of that as the ground disappeared that's that's the way I would I would view that out we got a whole we've got I wish you just take a massive spliffer that I mean has the hole appeared or has the ground disappeared I if we when you think about it maybe maybe the inmates are really you know free and we are the prisoners what if what if we put the deficit in a rocket and sent it into a black hole suddenly Milt and shirts making a lot more sense see what I would love to do is get yourself a high V vest and a clipboard and go up and knock on that door and go have you got planning permission for this F they do they have popped up more and more me the uh there's one that we footage we have of one in South Korea and this is just taken from one of those kind of Transport buses which on the side of a tram in is that your BS yeah hopping off start me J oh yeah all right on the way to work and then that is a horrible version of You Been Framed they've got that is the squarest sinkhole you will ever seen that black with a hat on going no one's going to believe they just fill in I'm going to get in trouble who's the last to see oh it was me I they fell in a hole they fell in a hole it would be awesome if he then just jumped in the hole okay and to Rob hone now we come to scenes we'd like to see so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area I'll read at this week's topics and then we'll see what our panels can come up with okay here we go the first subject is things you wouldn't hear on a news program and the markets are as followed free Panda loose banana free [Applause] juy well he went in half an hour ago and he still hasn't come out so I can only assume he's having a very big [Applause] poo sad news now Wally has been found his funeral is next week no one knows where but that's what he would have wanted as I stand here in this village where the water is ridden with disease and human feces we have to ask ourselves one question why did I choose to wear flip [Music] flops sorry sorry I just I just wanted to check something I'm standing just a Stones Throw from where the meeting is taking place with thousands dead there looks like no end to the Bloodshed I've been hollyw for the BBC reporting for Midsummer welcome to Fox News the bastards have been through the bins again and [ __ ] on the drive and the Italian wing of Hine soup has been put into [Applause] administr I'm on the scene where the search continues for the Beloved pantomime star what's that he's [Music] where the fighting here has been drawn out and bloody but I have finally got my microphone back from that bastard at Sky news we cross live now to the King's Road where Jose Mourinho has no trousers or pants on and is telling the pigeons it's the referee's [Music] fault and we've got Barry chuckle on the scene of the crime Barry to you it's not good news I've just been talking to the American ambassador and I said to him surely now Osama Bin Laden has got gone from terrorist to Marta he said we say e tomato is there sexism at the BBC let's ask Sally Johnson who's our lovely smiles and pretty cakes correspondent this is the first time I have reported from the Pamplona bull Ron [ __ ] [Music] hell okay the next topic is unlikely agon an letters dear dear Dre why does Seaman make you fat dear dear I have spent the last 6 months living with a beautiful woman but yesterday she found out the dear Dey I swear Eastern European Mir cats are trying to sell me car insurance am I going mad dear dear Dre last time I wrote to you you told me that there was nothing wrong with masturbation why then yesterday did I get thrown off the bus my girlfriend's livid because I got drunk and did a [ __ ] on the roof please tell me how can I wipe the Slate clean I have terrible trust issues please help me dear Dre if that's your real name dear dear Dre my husband is pressurizing me to try Allan also how do I turn off predictive text dear dear Dre I have just bought a diesel VW and I am fuming my wife wants us to experiment in the bedroom but last time we did that the bunson burner singed my pubes dear dear Dre I can only achieve orgasm while writing a letter do you think it's it doesn't [Music] matter d dear Drey how do I turn off caps lock dear de look I'm not going to beat around the bush is there any other tips on satisfying my wife as we own our own business my wife and I often make love at work and we love to try new positions tomorrow I'm Finance director and she's head of it dear dear Dre I have a mole on the end of my penis how much trouble am I in with the rspca at the end that round the bo is going to rob Holly [Applause] in that's the end of the show this week's WIS are Ed gamble Holly Walsh and Rob beckish commiseration Milton Jones hudz and Ed bur thank you for watching I'm Dar Breen good [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] night the the [Music] [Applause] w

Channel: Mock The Week Full Episodes

Views: 677,425

Keywords: Rob Beckett, Ed Byrne, Milton Jones, Ed Gamble, Holly Walsh, Mock The Week (TV Program), Episode (Award Discipline)

Id: 7JEz00ae6Fc

Length: 30min 7sec (1807 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 10 2015