Frankie Boyle: I'm Excited To See You Hate This | Frankie Boyle Live Comedy | Audio Antics

my young black king R up man this is all year and my young black queen right there a long time coming if you don't turn this up it's no fun you [Music] [Applause] ain't hello your [ __ ] black power how you doing I'm from here I'm from Glasgow a city where people think that Hepatitis B is a [ __ ] veteran so very different City from Edinburgh there's a far lower crime rate uh in Edinburgh far fewer people get stabbed in Edinburgh but there is a tragic side to Edinburgh there are a lot more people there who need stabbed oh I should say if you're not from here there's going to be quite a lot of swearing in this show swearing is different in Scotland in Scotland the word [ __ ] is just a warning that a noun is on it [Music] I think the most I laughed last year I actually fell down onto my knees laughing at this I went to a personal trainer in Glasgow that's not the joke I went to a personal trainer who had a mustache now when I tell English audiences this they never quite get it but know don't we any Scottish guy with a mustache is [ __ ] psychotic may like gram sunis back in the day they all speak as if they're trying to hold back some kind of dreadful memory this guy actually said this to me right when Mr boil I can see from your food diary that yesterday for dinner you ate a bag of chocolate money I didn't realize you could get sacked by a personal chainer it's weird getting older as well when I was a teenager ejaculating was like a [ __ ] fire workor going off I'm 47 now when I ejaculate it's like Tim Robins is escaping from Sha shank I grew up I grew up working class and always in a relationship so now to be middle class and single I find myself thinking things I've never thought before trying not to come on the good sofa I really give a [ __ ] about my I think I stopped caring about my appearance when I realized the reason that women weren't having sex with me was my personality I actually recently donated my body to science after it was rejected by necrophilia don't knock necrophilia it's the only truly victimless crime look some of this show is going to be [ __ ] Grim right people get the wrong idea about me they think I'm depressed or something I'm not depressed I don't wish that I was dead I wish that you were all dead would I Scandal around comic relief this year now I've always felt that comic relief should be done on a pay you laugh kind of a basis you watch it you pay a little something every time you laugh Mrs Browns boys do a sketch and end up on chad3 million but there was a scandal because Stacy dly instagrammed a photo of herself with a we Ugandan boy and MP David Lamy he said well this is an element of white savior complex to it I think it did cuz the colonial power in Uganda was Britain then we send Comet Leaf over there and go these people have nothing because we took it people say why don't they send black celebrities well we don't have a black version of sty that's why representation so important Edis Elba can't do everything the guy is rushed off his feet of the man also the way things are here just now if we sent Edris Elba to ugand that he wouldn't definitely be allowed back into Britain look there's a colonial side to British charity it's true look at Yemen right we're the number one provider of weapons and and bombs and expertise to Saudi Arabia that they used to bomb Yemen to engineer a famine in Yemen at the same time we're the number two provider of Aid to Yemen and why not life gives you Yemen you give Yemen [Applause] Aid I turned 47 last month my P said to me do you know Biggie Smalls would have been 47 this year if he hadn't been shot no he wouldn't he wouldn't have made it past the invention of stuff crust pizza I don't want to grow into one of these old Mooney Scottish guys though do you know what I mean like this happened to me this is true I was having a we snooze in a park in Glasgow one day right cuz my career was going particularly well that year and I old guy came up to me do you know your problem you're [ __ ] unapproachable I'm not an agis though certainly not sexually cover my [ __ ] and scratch card foil and throw me into the [ __ ] bingo I think K old people get annoyed cuz they don't get the same respect that old people got when they were younger that's cuz old people when they were younger had fought against the Nazis all our old people have fought against his gay marriage and type two diabetes there upsides to as well obviously you know man and uncle they were married for 52 years and you know what they died within hours of each other because he nailed all the windows shut before setting fire to the house got old people to thank for brexit now I know it's very fashionable at the minute right for people to go everybody that voted for brexit is stupid I really don't think that they are all stupid I think they're just people who voted to put an end to immigration from Europe because they don't like pakistanis imagine when it's late been an immigrant in Britain at the minute been told that you need to integrate more by people who spend their holidays pointing at a picture of egg and chips in a menu it's just [ __ ] endless bre it will never [ __ ] end it will never [ __ ] end it's like you've jumped out of one of the towers in 9/11 and just before you hit the ground someone opens up a manhole cover I actually want a hard brexit now I want to find out what happens when we run out of antibiotics oh I've bitten my tongue goodbye goodbye everybody let's have a No Deal brexit and find out how many people with ashar Faking It that guy that owns weather spoons Tim Weatherspoon he's a big brexiteer he said he's going to stop selling champagne in weather spoons iisten mate nobody who's drinking in weather spoons is [ __ ] celebrating okay also while we're at it can we go back to writing men and women on the toilet doors and pubs cuz I'm sick of trying to decode a rabbit in a HP hat you make a snap judgment about a kitten wearing a monacle and sudden you're in the [ __ ] sex offenders register it's a nasty cough you've got there mate you all right I can throw you water from here you okay my uncle had that exact same cough and he died from cancer he was given three weeks to live he died in a week he wed himself to die like a [ __ ] dolphin but you know what he didn't do didn't go out at night and ruin other people's [Applause] entertainment least to a May went I mean she had to go didn't she towards the end she had all the authority of the Do Not tumble dry lab I mean she always had the charm of a [ __ ] War crime but towards the end our body language had gone I didn't realize it was possible to limp with both legs so now we've got Boris Johnson an evolutionary dead end of the honey monster a Ben bag of albino body parts a cross between the Incredible Hulk and a horrible fried egg is the [ __ ] prime minister the Prime Minister it's not just that he's the worst person for the job he might be the worst mammal and let's not forget how they create these people they're created in the public school system that's where they lose their empathy they're forged in a crucible of hierarchical sodomy that's why they don't get along the last time the cabinet saw ey to ey it was over the back of a weeping Foster incidentally I'm not one of those people who thinks there a pedophile ring at Westminster I think it's probably more of a q i tell what gets me with brexit right is these uh I'm looking forward to actually these free market Tories that have spent their whole career going oh let's let the market decide the market will make that decision see what happens once the market is exposed to scarcity once people can't get food anymore once they can't get medicine oh the market seems to have decided to drag me out of my front door screaming oh the market seems to be stringing me up from a lamp poost by my ankles oh the market seems to have decided to slash my throat open and give me a jolly old Halal send off so I don't believe in compassionate conservatism I think compassionate conservatism generally extends to occasionally their MPS allow prostitutes to wear knee pads look at Jacob SM is he [ __ ] comp passionate is so weird and elongated it's like his mom was too Posh to dilate properly the reason I I don't like jacobes Morgan is he has this for reasonableness to doesn't he and yet we know he voted against samex marriage we know he thinks that homosexual sex H is um prohibited by the Bible where is any of that in the gospel who was g gayer than Jesus Jesus is one of the gayest characters in all of fiction it says in the gospel he wrote an [Music] asked even if you don't think that he hung about with lepers lepers are you really seeing he's going to be squeamish about seeing two men kissing what's jacobes sm's argument Jesus wouldn't have wanted to see a man with another man's [ __ ] in his hand unless it had fallen off what if a Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is trying to reattach a Lep's [ __ ] and he accidentally wanks it a little right when he's checking if it's back on right got to check if it's back on haven't you it's not even an accident really Jesus has just been thorough you know he's got a he's got a background in carpentry he's going to do a good [ __ ] job with this thing right what happens then someone should ask you could we smog this if you're ever in the audience a question time I want you to do this for me a question for the whole panel but Mr Reese MOG in particular yes the Scottish gentleman with the mustache at the back there what if our Lord and savior te Jesus Christ is trying to reattach a leers's [ __ ] he accidentally wanks it a little what happens then sir the public demand anas so I don't trust Jacob is M he looks like he owns the laboratory that Michael Gove escaped from I always think that Michael go looks like he'd have porn on his computer that's so weird it's legal an ampute comforting a lobster he's definitely the creepiest looking one isn't it go it sort of looks like a haunted ventriloquist dummy carved from the UT tree the operation utree was named after it's like someone tried to cheer up the children on a Cancer Ward by drawing a happy brain tumor oh and that was too much for some of you okay nice to know where the line is childhood cancers we'll stick to adult cancer from now on don't worry going to be fine explain where it's life right this is true this happened to me I did a gig a couple of years ago in Belfast it was technically technically it was for Shen fan right it was a air Festival of Irish language or something right so I go over well when I'm announced has been on there there are [ __ ] protests right there's like pickets and stuff in the street right uh and on some quite profound level I don't give a [ __ ] so I thought well I'll do it anyway but when we get off the ferry we got met by these two guys one of whom looked like a pretty successful heavyweight boxer I said who are you went I'm here as an adviser and my support Act of the time he's a great big Jolly character he went what would you say if I said you seem like something a we bit more than an adviser and I'd advise you to shut the [ __ ] up I know I know we've got limits around here I'm going to talk a we bit about comedy and I I know that it's not the most important subject in the world at the minute I know the planet's dying people say the best thing you can do for the planet is to become a vegan I don't think so I think the best thing you can do for the planet is to become a cannibal if you eat just one other person you've reduced your carbon footprint by 100% if you really want to make a difference eat a pilot when I started doing standup comedy the most famous comedian among comedians was Bill Hicks and his most famous routine among comedians was never do an advert or you're off the artistic roll call forever and I [ __ ] loved all that and then as I got older I started to do corporate shows and I really [ __ ] hated doing them so maybe about 8 nine years ago I decided Well I'll do those when I get asked but I'll just give the money to charity right and I felt good about myself right I probably didn't achieve much but at that point in life I just saw myself as keeping that money away from Michael McIntyre but you know then I thought you know if you did that and you felt good about yourself why didn't you just do ad and give the money away you know cuz I got offered adverts I got offered an advert by Scottish blend admittedly I can't imagine what that advert could have been like people who drink tly [ __ ] [Music] kids you get these people don't you and they'll probably always be with us who get offended by comedy and I used to not mind until it occurred to me one day most people who get offended by jokes watch porn like pretty much all of them there's someone right now watching torture porn going I hope nobody makes a joke about a [ __ ] swimmer's nose and then you get these other people who defend comedy right and they say oh this is a free speech issue it's not a free speech issue it's an artistic license issue you're allowed to talk about it cuz it's not real on some level right I mean there'll always be people who won't get it right there's always those people that go I think you'll find that if two blocks actually took a crocodile into a pub there would be [ __ ] Carnage but it's not real so we get to joke about it I think people sometimes get confused with how they use humor in their own life with what this is so most people use humor as a form of Pol lightness is an icebreaker this isn't that this is sentences that end in a very surprising way it's hard to surprise people politely excuse me I'm terribly sorry boo I got a lot of flack a few years ago for doing some jokes about the Paro Olympic opening ceremony and I've never seen why you wouldn't do exactly the same jokes about the par Olympic opening ceremony that you do about the Olympic opening ceremony they're literally the same same occasion and the jokes had a point to them they weren't just mockery right so the one the one the papers hated the most was the Saudi Arabian par Olympic team are mainly thieves which has a point right it's about Sharia law there's nothing worse than going to bed thinking you've tweeted some funny jokes about the Paro Olympic openings ceremony and waking up to find out that channel 4 will never work with you again and you've received several hundred angry Tweets in Arabic I don't care what anyone says there's nothing scarier than Arabic plus an exclamation mark what was the other one they hated oh yeah the British par Olympic team holds the world high jump record but to be fair it was Taliban assisted also has a point right not everybody has to like the point but the point is in among all these distractions Britain was still fighting two Wars so I don't like people who lash out of jokes at the same time I don't like people who lash out at political correctness I think it's lazy and I think it's sometimes encourages people to dismantle stuff that protects them so I give you an example so a guy I talked to a lot in Glasgow he's a homeless guy and he was an alcoholic I suppose that's why I talked to him cuz I was an alcoholic in fact papers when they have a got at me they still write that they put alcoholic Frankie boil it's a really strange way to attack someone by bringing up the time in life when they were happiest oh by the way I only get this in London have you ever this people go don't give him money he'll only spend it on beer and Fs I'd always assumed it spending it in Bean FS I've never given money to a homeless guy I thought well I hope he's putting that into his I sir so I was talking to this guy the last time I saw him and I went what would you say is your biggest problem in life at the minute I meant do you know my biggest problem Frankie it's all these [ __ ] snowflakes in the media it can't be it just literally [ __ ] cannot be you're sleeping rough on the streets of glass go your biggest problem is actual flakes of [ __ ] snow so I was thinking about all this recently right I was watching Netflix I had food poisoning a couple of weeks ago so I was lying on the sofa trusting every fart about as much as an email from a Nigerian General and I watched Ricky ja's new standup special and he does a big bit in about trans women now I've got nothing but love for trans women I've got nothing but love and support for Trans folk in general but they themselves would admit it's a very contentious issue that people try not to talk about and Ricky J obviously he's a very powerful guy in show business so nobody really who had the best years of their career ahead of them would tell you what they thought of that routine Rage of is he does maybe 15 minutes where he goes well if a trans woman can say that they're a woman I can say that I'm a chimpanzee I'm a chimpanzee and my genuine reaction was it's not that much weirder than R Jes saying that he's a stand-up comedian I mean look we know R Jes he's a brilliant actor he's a brilliant writer he's not a [ __ ] standup comedian just cuz rage Jes self identifies as a standup comedian am I supposed to say that he is one his [ __ ] political correctness gone mad also loving animals brilliant wonderful going on about loving animals suspect so I watched the whole iage of A's show and I felt a bit like Fred a stair watching a guy in calipers fall down a [ __ ] escalator and then I watched Hannah gadsby's show nette it's a really great show you should watch it if you get the chance she talks a lot in it about comedy and her main point is that she feels that herself as an oppressed person she's often used her comedy to let the audience off too lightly which makes a lot of really good points I think the problem with standup comedy is that it's simplify stuff it's hard to get it the truth when you've got to get a lot of regular laughs and sometimes I think I'm going try and get the truth here or am I trying to just tell funnier lies so for example I think she simplifies some stuff in her show she says stand Up Comedy Works by creating a tension in the audience that's then punctured with a punchline I don't think mine works like that you know I think for me the tension arrives in the punch line my uncle always said do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life he did heroin he the tension arrives in the punch line and the the setup line is almost supposed to be soothing really people say don't they they say that you only regret the things that you don't do I don't know who said that first but it's someone who's never broken two cork screws trying to get an unlubricated par snip out of their ass the tension arrives in the punch line when I first started doing standup comedy I used to compare comedy clubs in glaso in Edinburgh Stand Comedy Club mainly and usually a weekend and at the time comedy gold in Scotland was doing a Ned voice what the [ __ ] that all about what you [ __ ] talking about people [ __ ] loved stuff about Neds and I'm sure I'm not blameless right I remember I had a line about the sort of women who announced their pregnant by switching to menthal [ __ ] but it was that voice that was what people wanted right see if you told the truth about that voice I don't think it could have been contained within a comedy show certainly not a weekend it's that [ __ ] n voice about what probably comes from the fact that they're brought up in single parent families by their mothers and that's the pitch of a woman's voice with anxiety in it and she tries to raise her children to some kind of safety while compartmentalizing her own upbringing of horrendous neglect and abuse anyway it's time for your headline act let's come on [Applause] here so sometimes right I write stuff now and I go am I really rebelling there or am I just conforming because our society works on Conformity people talk about racist cops they don't select for racism there isn't a test where they go I'm afraid You' failed you've answered several questions about the history of MOT Town correctly they test you for Conformity so that you'll just nod along with structural racism and sometimes I say to myself well well am I conforming so like I compared live at the Apollo a couple of years ago which is a type of conforming in itself and at the time you're supposed to do jokes and all these celebrities that they've got down the front and one of them is this really brilliant female boxer Who I Really admired that followed their whole career and I'd written this joke I was really proud of which was at the Olympics in the women's boxing they fought in two minute rounds which was good because if it had been three minute rounds I think I would have ejaculated my own pelvis and you know I really laughed when I wrote that I thought that's [ __ ] hilarious because you'd never say that to someone's face would you and then as I was walking to the shore I was thinking people do say that kind of thing people said that kind of thing at School especially me people say it now on social media so am I just [ __ ] conforming here and what am I conforming with a deeply sexist society life is different for women in Britain right women have to assess men before they go out with them because men are dangerous men are violent that's why women are obsessed with True Crime podcasts they're doing research for the relationships men don't have to assess women that's why we can object ify them so quickly on some level we don't really give a [ __ ] a man can see a woman with a heavy cold and all I think would be I would rattle that [ __ ] flame loose but look look this stuff bleeds over into real life we could argue about how much but now we get like men's rights activists you know campaigning for all the [ __ ] they campaign for [ __ ] anonymity for rape suspects presumably they don't want them to lose the advantage of surprise or something so now sometimes you know I'll write something I go well I can't lift that out of the society that occurs in and go hahaa that's objectively funny and then I thought well could I do those jokes if I played in a more gender equal Society could I do one gig a year in Sweden where I really [ __ ] let rip maybe like Valentine's night once a year in Stockholm I just run on stage and go you only wear a condom if you're going to let her live the [ __ ] the Swedish people are on their feet applauding there's tears of laughter and emotion running down their faces his work is greatly [Music] misunderstood I think the absolute intersection of British misogyny and racism was that shamima bagum case if we were really a compassionate Society they'd have brought her back but made her finish school yeah this essay about what you did in your holidays last year uh if we were really about Redemption she'd be getting a this morning makeover right now first up we're going to sew your clitteris back on see I'm quite interested in the reaction to that it vares doesn't it I think it's because of what we've just been talking about right see when I write those jokes now which I think are funny but sort of empathy sometimes I usually think to myself you're probably missing the real joke then like the real joke there is probably something to do with the British State having a go at someone for getting involved involved in a war in the Middle East that's got [ __ ] all to do with him it's like it's like the pope throwing out his AR Kelly CDs I'm quite a shy person in real life um I'm I'm quite a reserved person I don't make a lot of eye contact and yet I will lock eyes I will lock eyes with a [ __ ] dog been thinking of getting a dog my mes keep going why don't you get a rescue dog get one of the rescue dogs yeah why don't you marry someone that's been in [ __ ] prison cuz it's [ __ ] in the head oh should we get a nice be puppy no I want something that's [ __ ] in the head that's let's have it [ __ ] lie beside this as we sleep and maybe eat our faces let rescue dogs are pedophiles puppies that have grown up they should all be put down okay I don't really think that don't I don't really think that in any way I do think that getting a dog says something about you it says I'm so lonely that I could pick up [ __ ] I don't mind people getting a dog it's when they get a second dog cuz the spaniel seen through them let's hope this Labrador is a bit less judgmental I got one of those iPhones that you unlock with facial recognition technology I think the trick is to set it to your [ __ ] face so if you get mugged for your phone at least they're going to have to wank you off first got to be careful online haven't you only last year my Facebook account was taken over by a malicious sex predator when I suddenly remembered my password there's always a moment for everyone isn't there there's always a moment when you lose your childhood innocence for me I think it was the moment when I realized that Santa's sperm tasted exactly the same as my dad's the tension arrives in the punch line if I hadn't been a comedian I think the job I'd have liked to have had I'd have liked to have been a bman that's the one job where you can really shout your [ __ ] head off all day long isn't it St been over there I'll go and get it I'll bring it back up to the Ben L there's another one you get that one and me up in the Ben L I'll drive the Ben L forward a bit you to care the BS they could do that job in complete [ __ ] silence could they just have a we meeting at the start of the shift every day they go let's agree that when we're out there today we're going to pick up all the bins put them on the bin L I'm going to leave you with one final piece of advice in my adves never trust the super rich what's the first thing they do when they get rich they buy a yacht ever been in a yacht it's like being in a two star hotel and [ __ ] roller SKS the only reason anyone would want to own a yacht is so that they can abduct children sell them into international waters [ __ ] them and dispose of their bodies and that's what everyone who owns a yacht is doing okay is doing I don't care who it is JK Rowling I have to say for legal reasons that JK Rowling is not [ __ ] and killing children in international waters to the best of my knowledge that's what's happening out there SE levels aren't Rising it's just the weight of dead [ __ ] kids the sea isn't even [Applause] salty [Applause] do you know there are now hotels for the super rich that are so exclusive that when you phone down and ask for an extra pillow that's actually a code word that's actually a code word for a prostitute imagine that you phone down you ask for an extra pillow and a prostitute turns up now you have two prostitutes and only one pillow to smother them with let's he one time for all your lovely hardw working staff thank [Applause] you don't

Channel: Audio Antics

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Keywords: AudioAntics, LaughOutLoud, AudiobookHumor, ComedyNarration, HilariousStories, FunnyAudiobooks, NarrativeComedy, AudiobookLaughs, AudiobookEntertainment, HumorousStories, frankie boyle, frankie boyle mock the week, frankie boyle audiobook, frankie boyle stand up, frankie boyle comedy, frankie boyle new book, frankie boyle comedian, frankie boyle comedy show, best of frankie boyle, frankie boyle live show, frankie boyle new live show, frankie boyle new show, frankie boyl new tour

Id: mZUZ-yI6ytA

Length: 38min 8sec (2288 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 10 2023