Jimmy Carr: Making People Laugh (2010) FULL SHOW | Jokes On Us

[Music] oh good well you seem more excited than me and I've seen the [ __ ] show good manners are disappearing when I was a lad it was considered polite to tap a lady on the head before ejaculating I know you know why kids wear their trousers slung low with no belt it's because they're dicks true story I attempted suicide once came pretty close killed the guy standing next to me it's all right it was a goth it's what you would have wanted whatever my girlfriend says [ __ ] men I always think yeah that is the alternative oh well sorry tosser right just around just toss up yeah you know you're in [ __ ] class go don't you wear someone pays you 22.50 to tell you to [ __ ] off [Applause] thank you oh and I'll fill your boots um on average in the northern hemisphere January is the coldest month of the year but if you were in Australia you'd be surrounded by [ __ ] any Australians in welcome back I tell you why there's no women's boxing the weigh-in the fight would happen then and there per square inch of head people with red hair have 750 fewer friends than normal people are there any redheads in [Applause] I think a more if I look away why say that I left her fat cow a lot of people like to smoke cigarettes after sex but you can't buy cigarettes until you're 16. so I have to get them for both of us you think it's wrong I'm buying a 15 year old girl cigarettes you think it's wrong I'm [ __ ] huh I'm kidding kidding does sound like a verb for child abuse doesn't it kidding are you joking or touching kids women say they want their ideal man to be the outdoors type the kind of man that enjoys long walks in the countryside women say they want their ideal man to be the kind of man they'll take control the kind of man that's not afraid to take a few risks basically what you're saying ladies is your ideal man is a rapist and it's true if you're a rapist you've got pretty much your pick of women it's funny because it's true I'd kick off with some jokes Claus go not [ __ ] about too much I'll pause for breath and say hello how are you this evening Glasgow are you well like an angry mob but I think well I thought we'd kick off properly we're in a beautiful room the armadillo in Glasgow bloody marvelous I thought we'd start things properly yeah because everyone's dressed up it's a Saturday night let's start things properly let's have a round of applause for the ladies let's have a round yeah let's have a round of course yeah yeah quite right yeah actually nuts that's probably enough looking around some of them have made no effort oh blessing [ __ ] No Lie I thought you'll come in there's I haven't made much of an effort well there's some cameras and some [ __ ] lights I don't know what you had in mind it's not like I come to your work and not the sailors [ __ ] out your mouth is it [Applause] [Music] [Applause] seems like a very weird thing from a quite a tough looking man from Glasgow to say I have not made much of an effort I thought you'd be dressed up prettier foreign rape coming for you sir that's what it feels like my point there's an incredible amount of pressure on women these days to be beautiful and thin and all I can say is we've got some very brave girls in here this evening terrific stuff there are some stunning looking women in here this evening and some right dogs you know who you are I'm joking no one in here is stunning huh it's all right to make those kind of jokes in comedy because no one really Minds because like occasionally someone will go oh yeah comedy it's the new rock and roll it [ __ ] isn't I'll tell you how you can tell comedy isn't rock and roll there's no comedy groupies there's groupies in rock and roll there's no groupies in comedy what girl is so into comedy she's going to come backstage and suck me off I might be a premature end to the show have her washed and brought to my room I'm joking don't wash her to stand up she's going to come backstage and suck me off just so she can go that tastes funny it's a very fun job this is all I do for a living Glasgow I travel around the country I find large groups of people with sort of the same sense of humor as me and then I tell them jokes for the evening it's a lovely thing to do it means I get to go everywhere any any Irish people in oh a few not that many it sounds like sounds like the roads in Glasgow are very nearly finished I was in I was in Dublin recently doing a show and I was there with a friend hanging out in Dublin for the day what could be finer and he dared me to say this at the end of the show so right at the end of the show I went Dublin I don't know much about Irish politics that was pretty much their reaction a couple of thousand people going I bet you [ __ ] don't no I said I don't know much about it but he dared me to do it so I had to say it I said I don't know much about Irish politics I just think we should have one Island United they were on their feet in Dublin this guy is all right and then I added one Island United under British rule they went [ __ ] [ __ ] any Welsh people in any Welsh just one we seem to have contained the problem good I'm loving the Welsh I really like every time I go to Wales have a lovely time the people are very friendly but I get annoyed every time I go to Wales not by the people but by the signs all the signs and Miles have you been there all the signs road signs tourist information shop signs every [ __ ] sign has to be in English manned Welsh everything English man Welsh it's ridiculous because it costs a fortune to do and only five percent of the population of Wales can read well I like to think of myself as an equal opportunities offender we've done the Irish we've done the Welsh any Scottish people in imagine my surprise here's a question for you my Scottish friends if you're a homeless alcoholic Scott and you had Tourette's how would they ever know [Music] England I was there recently and I didn't realize it was meant to be rough but Nottingham I didn't realize this Nottingham is the gun capital of Great Britain tell you what Nottingham needs Sheriff it's quite a silly joke there any scouters in well there's a few there all right hi viscouses you well no what what do you do for a living oh sorry I forgot your Scouts there for a second I apologize I'm not having a go at Liverpool I'm loving the scousers it's a great place to do a gig it's got this it's got a similar feel to Glasgow in terms of people Heckle quite a lot they join in they're quite up for it a nice sense of humor loving the scouts crowd although we'll say this about Liverpool Liverpool is the only city in Great Britain where JD Sports has an evening wear Department shop it's gonna interest mattum in an off-white tracksuit I always make a bit of an effort when I'm traveling around the country doing this job I always make a bit of an effort to do the accent of wherever I am and I think generally people take that pretty well they like the fact you've made a bit of an effort but sometimes people get chippy if you don't get exactly right I had a guy come up to me was doing a gig in the north of England and this guy came up to me after the show quite aggressive yeah he said uh all right our kid I don't think you've got any [ __ ] respect for this town try and do the voice we don't even [ __ ] talk like that my bad I said no you've got me all wrong I love Newcastle I've got a friend that got into an argument with a bar made from Sunderland long story short he ended up calling her a fat ugly Geordie [ __ ] and she said I'm newer Jordy sorry that's a terrible accent but it is how they talk I'm always impressed when I'm traveling around the place I came up on the train and I'm very impressed with anyone that can get on the train maybe some of you can do this can can any of you get on a train and you don't have to ask is he the right train I'm unable to do that whenever I get on a train I've always got to find someone who looks like a grown-up to me go is this the right one is this the one for Glasgow and we all know the answer because we've all been asked by a tit like me the answer is always hope so hope so I've started doing it on planes I went on holiday recently and they told me on holiday yeah in the hotel that they had special stuff in a swimming pool that turns the water purple if you pee in the pool so I didn't pee in the pool I didn't realize they had stuff for [ __ ] but they clearly did because they were onto me almost immediately I told them it was a brown shark they were having none of it I met a fat vegetarian I thought well done all that on salad you go girl whenever I'm cooking I always make sure they're a vegetarian options they can make do or they can [ __ ] off women have a government for overreacting to man flu but I think AIDS is pretty serious near where I live in North London there's hamster teeth I don't know if you've heard of hamster teeth but there are toilets on Hampstead Heath there's Parkland that are notorious for gay cruising this is where gay guys go in North London to hook up with other gay guys of an evening the toilets on hamster teeth now I live near there here's my question what happens if you just want to piss you're buggered yeah you can laugh I found out the hard way the hard way is not the phrase to use there is it I've got lots of gay friends and I'm sure there are loads of gay men in this evening a few certainly not done around are there gay men in keeping it quiet in Glasgow well I've got loads of gay friends I'm sure there are some gay men in this evening uh how do you decide who goes where in in a gay relationship because when it's a man and a woman you know what goes well don't you pretty much most of the time apart from birthdays and Christmas that was a good little nudge told you that was normal but if it's two guys because it's two guys is he like calling shotgun in the car because I get annoyed if my friend gets to sit in the front I'd be livid if he got to pop his [ __ ] in my bum that is the face I would do you know how to tell if someone's gay Glasgow do you know to tell you you know when you get a posh lady like a posh lady is drinking tea from a cup and a saucer and she'll do the thing with her pinky she'll do the delicious Morag another school he's Scottish you know I should do the thing with the pinky when she's drinking tea well if a guy does that when he's sucking your [ __ ] okay well you're sucking that like a perfume Bender Ike don't get the wrong idea Glasgow I'm not homophobic anyone that says I'm homophobic can suck my [ __ ] as long as he's not a fella because that isn't natural and I think I should be allowed to tell these jokes because although I've never had sex with a man I have [ __ ] a girl ugly enough to count as a man foreign said that to me recently my friend Louise we were just chatting about nothing and she went out of the blue she just went I've never been to bed with an ugly man but I've woken up with a few so I said I said I've never been to bed with an ugly girl but I [ __ ] a few in car parks sorry I should clarify car park is just what I call the vagina because of my name [Applause] you don't look at all happy with the euphemism car park for the vajayjay I don't offend anyone this evening I'm not sure what the what the least probably the least offensive term probably from bottom so from here on in we'll call it a front bottom and a back [ __ ] who's seen me before Glasgow who's been out to one of my shows before yes okay well you'll know I always stick around at the end of the show and say hi to people frankly the least I can do on a day out and the question I always get asked often they don't phrase it like that they'll say what's wrong with you so with all this evening what might be a fun thing to do is to take you on a little guided tour inside of my mind I've done some pictures to illustrate now I'll show you what's actually happening up here oh yes sorry I've just noticed some I've just noticed some people wearing masks of my face in what could only be described as a [ __ ] freaky incident why have you got you've got a mask of magic could you just hold it up so could you turn that around just so other people can see how [ __ ] freaky that is you know what the old thing about that is I was looking at you for a sound I was going that looks familiar that's something about hang on I'm usually shaving when this happens well thanks for [ __ ] freaking me out on the DVD record I really [ __ ] appreciate it what's your name Adam Claire and what what'd you do Claire depends on the guy probably if it's a one-night stand you really let your hair down go what'd you do for a living Claire a student you're a student Ah that's the free time to be making masks of comedians faces and who are you here with who's who's your friend is she your special friend special friends do you sometimes use the mask and use a strap on and pretend pretend you're doing it like normal people yeah sorry that's how I laugh yo it sounds like Elmo's being tickled or a seal is being sexually molested well thanks very much for making the money thanks for making a fuss of me right I'm sorry I was going to say you want to guide your tour of my mind we'll kick off with some thoughts that's me thinking well [ __ ] it's unclear from that not that I don't really like the term [ __ ] I find it it's a bit aggressive I prefer to say growing a tail it's nice to be nice isn't it some thoughts for Glasgow white van drivers I don't know they think they own the road with their flashing lights and their sirens oh there's been an accident they're [ __ ] will be of course the thing they never do on soaps is watch TV and that's because they'd see all their dead friends on the bill have you just spotted the AIDS hold on whenever I see Liquor on the back of a car saying princess on board it always makes me think of Diana I always think don't upset Prince Philip you'll be fine oh I didn't [ __ ] kill her don't give me a hard time [Applause] what superpower would I most like to have I've given that quite a lot of thought I think that's the sort of thing men think about quite a lot what superpower would be best I think invisibility would be the coolest superpower to have and really the question is if I was invisible what would I do second I think we all know what I would do first let's face it if I was invisible they think the ladies changing rooms were haunted where's all this ectoplasm coming from something just tapped me on the head the head manners cost nothing some of my ideas with Glasgow this evening yes I'd like to share some ideas with all of you good people I'm working on a book at the moment I'm working on a book it's about a zombie that comes back from the dead but the twist is the zombie is the good guy but apparently it's already been done it's called the Bible it's annoying isn't it I've had an idea for a TV show it's called Jim will fix it it's just me spaying cats the first guy that persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses he must have been a hell of a Salesman or problems in the world so I like to do a little bit of problem solving every day try and make the world a slightly better place British women that's you ladies British women last year spent 280 million pounds removing unwanted body hair surely it would be cheaper and easier just to move to Germany if you're worried about putting on a few extra pounds and you want to be ready for next summer with your beach body why don't you visit Somalia and get some [ __ ] perspective there's people with real problems you fat cow I've solved another problem it's only a little thing but little and often with problem solving is probably the best way to do it and I've invented a bird table for my back Garden it's three foot tall and it saves a fortune on cat food I tell you who I think should team up neighborhood watch and peeping Toms marriage made in heaven and it would add a whole new dimension to the term curtain twitching because current twitching could mean checking up on the neighbors seeing everything's okay or curtain twitching female masturbation I feel we've crossed a line only Glasgow we've we've definitely crossed the line fact s inside our head did something to do with living in this internet age uh British people are at least one inch taller than we were 20 years ago and that's because 20 years ago we were all children plenty of people use their mobile phone to cheat on their partner I use Mr tinkle to tickle is just a silly name I've got for my tummy banana thank you most Bingo winners don't tell their other halves about their windfall and that's because their husbands are dead there are 427 licensed professional jockeys currently working in the UK If you laid them all from end to end they would stretch from here to here an iguana can stay underwater for 28 minutes or longer if you don't mind it dying hahaha interesting little fact for you obsessive Star Trek fans are known as sorry are you a big Star Trek fan but you but how old are you do you mind me asking you seem like what sorry 20 right so so definitely not a virgin in Glasgow what do you do for a living you're a secretary nice is it 19 50 already what is in touch all right super you've seen a bit chippy oh it is Glasgow sorry I'd love to chat more but I'm at work [Applause] oh you've gone for that nice what a lady let's talk about language I'm slightly obsessed by language I spend my life touring with it and messing around with it and trying to you know write jokes for you good people to laugh at a lot of people don't like it when language changes a lot of people don't like it don't like Starbucks for example because what was small medium and large is now tall Grande and venti by light the fact I've now got a tall [ __ ] this is taken away a lot of the stigma a lot of people change the language that they use so it's not to offend certain interest groups or individuals which is fair enough you know how touchy queers are PC is ruined some things you can't say fruit salad anymore it's now homosexual salad which is mental because all salad is gay you've got to be very careful in how you express yourself because you could be saying the same thing but if you pick the wrong word you could cause a fence quite inadvertently I'll give you an example I'll read you two sentences the first one is entirely inoffensive the second one well it could be misconstrued I know heaven for fend but they both say the same thing interesting I fell into a hedge cut my face and I can only partially remember the evening it's fine isn't it much better than saying I fell into a bush got gash on my face and can only remember snatches [Applause] doesn't maternity maternity makes it sound like you're going to be fat forever and some of you will be your greatest hits let's talk about fears our subconscious mind that's quite an interesting area isn't it yeah the best way to conquer a fear of spiders is next time you see a spider imagine it naked has anyone got like a morbid fear of spiders like a someone's going over there oh your brother has but so that's gonna be oh well he's here it wasn't just a random I haven't got phobia but my brother has maybe you could help with that Kyle and you speak for him when you when you say your brother you're not from Paisley you're not going out or anything are you I know I'm just asking because what'd you do Carl what's Tony nothing the now it's a new Kyle and I just workshopping we're coming up with a new children's character for Scotland he's called nothing to know of the unemployed donkey [Applause] what do you do for a living you're unemployed I all right well good it was lovely having you here especially in view of the fact a lot of the taxpayers pay for you to [ __ ] beer [Applause] [Music] yeah let's face it we're in Glasgow there's a lot of people applauding that that have never paid any tax in their [ __ ] lives hey there's tax on Spirits isn't there and what I'd like to do Carl my gift to you give something back to the community not just put care in it I'd like to cure you of your spirit spiders you up for this like Darren Brown Style with sort of hypnosis cure your fear responders you offer this fabulous all right because it's happening okay imagine Carl you're at home in bed under the duvet a snug as a bug in a rug and you're dreaming of whatever unemployed people in Glasgow dream of I don't know being on the social for another few years oh [ __ ] you know oh and then I signed my name and the check keep coming oh okay so you're at home in bed other than what I'm saying is you're in the most safe and secure environment you could possibly be in you're under the duvet safe and secure them all um a spider Kyle size of my hand big hairy [ __ ] crawls on your face as you like sleeping doesn't wake your car you're still dreaming of nice things [ __ ] fast and the like just sits there for a while on your face car as you sleep lazy tags in your tear ducts and scampers away to its enormous giant spider nest under your bed where it lives you can check later if you like can you wake up in the morning fresh as a daisy lovely ready for a busy day well you're awake anyway the paper you know that's a weird itch a thousand spiders touch up your eyes has that helped at all that needs work doesn't it sorry if it's any consolation it's only Carl don't matter Franklin D Roosevelt famously said there is nothing to fear but fear itself of course he's dead now killed by a spider worry about and I'm sure many of you share my concerns I worry about climate change climate change or to give it its official scientific name Autumn or carbon emissions than we used to in the 1970s but that it could be halved if you just divided it by two really worry about and I'm sure I'm sure Kyle will be thinking this is entirely Justified I worry about going mad I've got a friend that went mad last year and he ended up killing himself he took everything in the medicine cabinet choked on a surgical bandage that's not how I would do if I was going to kill myself I know what I would do I don't want to be more with Glasgow but I know how I do it I would dress up as Superman and jump off the top of a building how [ __ ] awesome would that be and I would do it at four o'clock in the afternoon during term time because you'd want a couple of hundred kids going wow Superman and then well father's for justice [Applause] rape such a harsh word I prefer to say when kiss Chase goes too far and what exactly is aggravated rape well not only did he rape me no I missed my bus on the positive side at least with Rohypnol there are no bad memories foreign let's talk about childhood Glasgow yeah childhood memories childhood thoughts yeah one in ten British kids has never been to a beach in this country imagine that growing up without ever having seen a dead Cormorant with a tampon on its head when I was a kid I wanted to get a tattoo but my parents said I had to get it somewhere that didn't matter so I had it done in Hull does anyone here from Hull doesn't matter here's an interesting thing this is weird you can have sex in this country when you're 16 but you can't buy pornography until you're 18. that's an odd law isn't it so you can have sex when you're 16 but you're not allowed to watch other people have sex for another two years so if you're 16 you can have sex just don't look down let's talk about faith and spirituality an important part of our psyches I'm sure you will agree Christians saying there may be Christians in this evening Christians say Jesus died for your sins be good I say he's already dead [ __ ] it what's he gonna do get dead or fill your [ __ ] boots mate also if he died for your sins and you don't do any sins you've made him look a right [ __ ] I don't believe in the Paranormal per se but I do have a spirit guide well I say spirit guide you might call it a Sat Nav paranormal is actually derived from the Greek para meaning you're not a normal let's talk about travel yeah the main reason Americans are there any Americans in for the best the main reason Americans don't have passports is they have trouble fitting in the photo booth luckily they've developed Google Earth work which is a convoluted way of saying there is a place called Scotland really good luck of course not all Scottish people are alcoholics a lot of you are recovering alcoholics with drug problems let's face facts Glasgow if you Scottish ever find a way to deep fry whiskey you are [ __ ] interesting little fact for you Hopscotch was originally invented in Glasgow by children trying to step over the alcoholic parents true story let's talk about some dumb things I see a lot of dumb things around I see a lot of dumb signs I was in a supermarket I saw a sign that said buy two get one free only wanted one so to the free one I don't want to show off about my Showbiz lifestyle but I was in a yates's wine Lodge yeah I was in a yates's wine Lodge and I got talking to the barmaid and I asked her how many types of wine they did in yates's wine Lodge and she said both foreign let's talk about some important social issues there's a guy I work with and every day he has what looks like fish fingers I think he was in a fire don't tell me that's too brutal for Glasgow most domestic fires need just four things to start a source of oxygen a source of heat gambling debts and an up-to-date insurance certificate I hate people that make loud noise on public transport particularly explosions annoying I got into an argument I said women have a lower pain threshold than men she said try childbirth I said I have how'd you think I got it HS is currently so underfunded that couples wanting IVF treatment to help them conceive of being told to go and [ __ ] themselves remember dogs die in hot cars or a heavy blow to the back of the head will work just as well really that's the one that got you okay I came home the other night my girlfriend was dressed up as a French maid very disappointed the house was a [ __ ] state filthy [ __ ] well let's talk about love and romance and sex Let's Talk About Sex Glasgow that's a very commonly held belief that men think about sex every seven seconds which I think makes talking to your dad creepy British men spend on average 22 minutes on foreplay of course they're spread out between all of us over the course of a year women who read romance novels have twice as much sex as the national average while I say sex what I mean is they yield the pressure softness of their silken female innocence to the crushing firmness of his intent sorry I came over all Catherine Cooks in there it's not a great phrase to use I'd be like painting the fourth Bridge foreign person has two pounds of meat lodged in their colon so come on love of course most people don't know this but confetti you know confetti that you get at a wedding confetti represents fertility in the seed of man which is quite accurate because a lot of it does end up in the bride's hair women have a government because we're no good at multitasking but then you have a go as when we piss in the shower it's like we can't win speaking of multitasking I had a threesome last week my girlfriend is pretty cool but if she finds out about this I'm in trouble I did have a threesome I know you're probably thinking yeah probably you a girl and another bloke nope it's actually me and two blokes yeah well that feels like it's quite enough from inside my head should we leave it there for now let's leave it there for now marvelous right [Applause] um do you ever do this Glasgow do you ever get asked to do the washing up and you do it really badly on purpose so you never get asked again do you do that my girlfriend does that with [ __ ] seriously her [ __ ] suck and it's not just me a lot of my friends have commented my girlfriend likes to have the lights on during sex yeah because she likes to be able to read which I think is to be encouraged in a girl of her age I'm kidding she's actually scared of the dark that divides people there doesn't it some people like the lights on some people always have to have the lights off I like the lights on during sex my best mate likes to have the lights off and fair enough his missus is a pig my girlfriend and I we do a little bit of role play in the bedroom I pretend to be a swarthy Italian lothario and she pretends to be asleep she gets pretty into it as well sometimes she's there for seven or eight hours I'm actually quite conservative sexually I tried SNM once why say I tried SNM I punched a girl who's in a long-term relationship give us a shout if you're in a long-term relationship yes loads of us to see okay what you'll know as I know in a long-term relationship it's all about compromise it's about finding that common ground because if you're not both happy neither of you can independently be happy no one's happy when the other half has got a face on oh yeah so you've got to find that Common Ground here's a good example of compromise from my life this happens a lot in our house I want to go out for the evening yeah a night out she wants a romantic night in so as a compromise we go dogging we don't I suggested having sex outside once and she went what if someone comes I said we'll go home okay you're representing the men of Britain this evening okay got a question for you gentlemen has any man in this room ever used the phrase making love no why would no of course [ __ ] not be the preserver the ladies ladies love that phrase making love making love making love you know why it's called making love it's because we're going to make you do it love thanks very much [ __ ] right I got stopped by one of those charity muggers you know the ones with the clipboard in the High Street and you think I've dodged him and then there's enough work in teams I don't know how they do it anyway I got stopped I got cornered he said can I have a word about the homeless I said certainly lazy off you [ __ ] I was in London and I saw a homeless guy with a dog on a piece of string classic look for a homeless guy and I was walking by in the house the house guy said could you spare some money for food and my friend said eat the dog then we'll talk even I thought that is Harsh I'm joking I didn't truth be told there was no friend there I said it I was just checking to see you thought it was funny first I do a lot of gigs for people less fortunate than me only last week I was in Stoke for those of you don't know sort of the the English equivalent of Dundee are there people in from Dundee oh there's some girls in from Dundee that's good because I've got money for chips and I wouldn't mind sex another girls from Dundee applauded that you're going yeah five chips chip should I do my impression of me seducing a girl from Dundee [Laughter] so that's all you need [Applause] [ __ ] marvelous um now listen this is what the show is about at all but I was briefly going to tell you about a thing that I'm doing at the moment means a lot to me and I was just going to take a moment of your time I've started a little Charity just a little thing of my own and it's going great but I I didn't want to put anything up on big screens or put any leaflets out or anything in the program I was just going to briefly tell you what the charity that I've set up does and then if you want to get involved you could just Google it but it's not really what the evening's about the evening's just about having a laugh but I thought I might just sorry I'm butchering on now but you could just look it up and Google if you want to get saying you know because you could be proactive rather than me sort of forcing it down because people get bored of that okay what we do is we we send obese children to the rainforest I don't mind you tittering because we're already seeing fabulous results and if you want to be part of that it's feed the tigers.com their faces light up not the children obviously they're [ __ ] petrified although it's quite ironically funny seeing them trying to run away he's a bit late for cardiovascular now you should have thought of that when you were waddling to Greg's you fat [ __ ] [Applause] thank you flooding flooding's pretty bad I saw a woman on the news in her flooded front room crying a thought crying's not open if anything you're making matters worse love I am committed to getting young girls off the streets sometimes it's just for a half hour but it relaxes me I find it very relaxing so I'm not sounding very charitable I do do my bit you know I've created a foundation for battered women it's really thick to hide the bruising it's weird domestic abuse is still a real sort of taboo subject isn't it people don't like talking about domestic abuse and ironically that makes the problem much worse because the Charities that deal with domestic abuse their problem is a problem of communication because the women that they're trying to reach out and communicate with the battered wives are the very women that won't shut up and listen tragically this is the only language they understand I don't know what that is that's like the lion from The Wizard of Oz I wouldn't last a [ __ ] day in this city would I [Laughter] sorry I know there's a degree of civic pride in Glasgow because uh domestic abuse was invented right here wasn't it around the turn of the century well done we salute you someone say something then old firm day is domestic violence day it's not a thing Is that real there's a there's a woman there just going what sorry just tell me that again old so when Rangers play Celtic it's the day for domestic abuse I [ __ ] love it that you've got it diarized [Applause] has anyone had this recently has it ever has anyone made an appointment with the doctors recently I phoned up for an appointment with my doctor and I got an appointment in three weeks time oh that's good I'd like to be better or dead but then they gave me option b they said well you can come down and see the Locum doctor it's not your doctor it's just our doctor we've got down there and if it's serious you can come down and wait so that's what I did I went down to the doctor's surgery and I waited for like four hours and eventually I got called into the little treatment room with the doctor walked in there stunning looking Doctor I mean properly 10 out of 10 absolutely gorgeous exactly my type I went uh I'm embarrassed she said I'm a professional you're a grown man just tell me what the problem is I said okay I think my cocktail's funny I don't know if you've got a test for that but I've had an idea it's weird the gender stereotype in that joke isn't it like the idea that when I say doctor most people imagine a man that's very hard because we all know there's loads of female doctors but if you're honest when I say doctor do you imagine a man yes nurses even worse if I say nurse do you imagine a woman sounds like a slightly overactive imagination there yes I mean like a proper nose not like a stripper in a pub do we want to say nurse do you imagine a woman yes but we all know there's loads of male nurses although it's not pronounced male you don't call them male nurses it's actually pronounced male nurses no they don't want to offend any male nurses or indeed your boyfriends not that one in good um I'll never forget what my granddad said to me I [ __ ] in a bag please kill me a great way to warm up pensioners in winter is cremation you know you lose 50 of your taste buds by the time you're 75 so it is okay for your nana to live on cat food my nana my mum's mum used to make me a jumper every Christmas does anyone else have that she used to make me a jumper over Christmas much better than the ones in the shops no no it isn't I remember one year she made me this burgundy monstrosity sleeves way too long and in the front she'd embroidered blacks go home [Applause] good day and their sleeves are too long yeah crazy racist tour my girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy and now we have a little baby ghost it's quite a sweet joke isn't it's not hurting anyone and that's why every time I tell that joke I kick a [ __ ] even things up comically who's got kids have you got kids you've got kids okay I've got kids well I've adopted but it's the same minute it's a family well fostered but as I say it's a there's a bit of paperwork it's nothing sponsored I've sponsored a child well it's not a child it's a panda why it's a donkey I didn't sponsor I gave a half an apple through a fence just gets the same reaction it's always the woman going that's not the [ __ ] same and the bloke going have you good as long as I don't have to see a [ __ ] photo of it a lot of men use moisturizer but I'm old-fashioned I just spit on my hand what did you think we're talking about oh come on don't give me that look we've all been there come on love the film starts in 10 minutes we haven't got time for your fancy four player your expensive lubricant we're going to be buffering buttering pray the old-fashioned way ironically buttering the baking trays the phrase that will stick this so you've just given him a look as if to say I thought you invented that flavored condoms has anyone in here had any dealings with flavored condoms a few of you the girl from Dundee's thinking I thought that was one of my five a day another banana lovely my point on flavored condoms is they are a waste of money okay turns out my girlfriend doesn't have a sense of taste in her front bottom or bat [ __ ] which is just as well if you think about it now if I can open up a little bit I can share with you Glasgow to see if I can share yes my girlfriend has fallen asleep during sex before that is embarrassing that is awkward but it was awkward is the time she woke up during it properly yeah I was just getting up with a little bit of sex I'll make you a cup of tea when I'm finished that'll help get rid of the taste [Music] yeah I know it's weird I've seen a doctor talking the first half any questions so far anything else you'd like to know yes I'm gonna presume all the questions are for me Starry and arrogance although there's something about my name in this town Jimmy just sounds right go on what was the question wow [Applause] [Music] yes I think if I'm not mistaken that's one of wittenstein's theorems um you'd suck off his mum he has done you [Applause] I I'm not from Perth so I may never have to make that decision [ __ ] you know you sound like you come from a very broken home I'm not suggesting you [ __ ] your mum but only because you wouldn't want a two-time your sister [Applause] um why do I laugh like a sexual predator I like the way that that sexual predator sounds better in your accent than any other sexual predator I I don't know why I laugh like that it's one of life's mysteries in the same way as why are you dressed as a gay lumberjack we may never know like big thick logs how big is my car well I'm not sure whether your mother would be comfortable discussing it but it's truth be told it's quite small but it smells like a big one sorry where's the weirdest place I've had sex he's mum's bum classic I'm joking of course it was his dance any other questions thoughts why do I look like Hitler 999 who said that three two what hotel ah well it's quite a posh one so it'll have to be your place I don't think they'll they'll let you in they've got a policy on that sort of thing and even though I'm not paying you it looks like I am without being um sort of you know sycophantic sir without sucking up to you he said in a very patronizing manner uh glasgow's pretty good I mean that's why I'm recording the DVD here but I don't know if you notice the cameras but it's it's uh it's a following place I'll tell you a quick story about Glasgow just before before we move on but I'll tell you the reason I'm recording the DVD here the first time I ever came to Glasgow to play at The Stand Comedy Club I got on the back of a taxi here and I said to them because I wanted to make a reference to where it was rough in town so I said excuse me driver where's rough in Glasgow and he said for you everywhere and then I was on stage later that night here on stage and I told that story on stage and all I said was I thought this was a comment that was beyond any kind of argument all I said was Glasgow is quite an aggressive town and a guy down the front went no [ __ ] it is near no hint of irony no it [ __ ] isn't it I thought this place will do for me yeah do you all like drinks and sweets yes I have our lunch drinks with do you sometimes get annoyed paying regular prices for sweets do you wish you could pay two or three times as much for exactly the same maltesers because if you do you are in luck we're about to have an interval and this venue is about to rape you I'll meet you back here in 20 minutes for more jokes see you then [Applause] welcome [Applause] [Music] do you ever get that thing where you walk into a room and you totally forget why you've gone in there you just kind of go the what am I meant to be do you ever get that what are you cat people or dog people would you say cat people are dog people because to me it all tastes the [ __ ] same people of restricted height some of them don't mind being called midgets but they hate being called dwarves some of them find a dwarf hate being called a [ __ ] so what you're going to do what I do is I call them all Oompa Loompas none of the little [ __ ] like that do they are there any midgets in I mean I haven't seen any but then that's part of their charm they could be I don't look down on dwarves that's probably gone over their heads how could I stoop solo Life's too short and just because you're a [ __ ] it doesn't make you less of a person truth be told I [ __ ] love dwarves but I never tell them that I love them because I don't want them to get big-headed a lot of people say women get more attractive after a couple of drinks but I think they lose a lot of their charm vomiting and pissing in the street welcome to Glasgow they just put speaks outside my local school wow I'm pretty sure it's a speed bump I'm 90 sure it was a speed bump with a satchel I make my own vegetables I've got a hammer here's the wrong Glasgow you be the judge is it wrong to call the disabled seating area of a theater the Cabbage Patch all right double amputees you gotta hand it to them or they will drop it if I lost both my arms I'll probably just shrug it off I was doing I was doing a gig on this tour that joke and then there was a guy saying where you're seeing right down the front there missing both his arms and he laughed at that joke but then at the end I noticed he wasn't applauding you know that moment when a girl locks eyes with you across a crowded room and says yes your honor that's the one I saw a headline in the paper it said rapist strikes I thought what did you want better pair of conditions he's outdoors in the park he's on flexi time talk about your job satisfaction what have we got unionized sex offenders now what do we want get in the van when do we want it get in the van women ask weird questions all the women in my life have always asked weird questions my girlfriend said to me recently she said which of my friends do you think is prettiest well that's what she said what I heard was I fancy a fight I don't know much about women but I know there is no correct answer to the question which of my friends do you think is prettiest there's nothing I can say that she'll go huh good and there's going to be trouble so I thought well I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb so when she asked which of my friends do you think is prettiest I said well Karen is pretty but Susan does that thing with her tongue foreign talking during sex Glasgow where do you stand on talking during sex I think there should be very strict rules on talking during sex rule number one don't rule number two and those are the rules my girlfriend talks during sex I don't mean sexy dirty filthy talk I'd love that that'd be awesome no she says the most mundane [ __ ] you've heard in your life midcoitus that means whilst [ __ ] the thing you do for chips I'll give you an example okay so a couple of weeks ago we were making love I'd made her do it love we're about halfway through well we're nearly finished truth be told that she didn't know that said leave my keys that's everything on your vagina I've had a good route round I was sure I would have known you something I'll check your bum she said you will not it's no one's birthday dealing with this okay I could just say to her could you not say mundane things during sex because it sort of kills the mood for me sort of ruins it you know kills the moment I could just say that but that would be literally no fun at all so what I'm doing is whatever she says to me no matter how mundane whatever she says to me during sex I try and make it sexy set myself that challenge it's a lot of fun I'll give you an example she said to me a couple of weeks ago while we were she said the recycling's coming tomorrow well more accurately she said the recycling is coming tomorrow so I said the recycling's not the only thing coming tomorrow yeah I'm gonna separate your paper and plastic doesn't really mean anything that's my sexy voice by the way I've kind of gone for a 1970s black exploitation New York City voice because then you can say things like I'm coming if I just use my voice I've just gotta go I've arrived has anyone heard anything more mundane than that during sex what's the most mundane thing hurry up hurry up what was that these chips are cold oh bless any others I'm sorry what was that one there rather cold today cool today I that's like small talk at a bus station I suppose we're in Glasgow could well have happened at a bus station any others is it in yet so if you said to this boy here this there's a man covering his eyes now with a oh God she hasn't that's not your boyfriend I'm sure you don't limit yourself to one um but you've said to a man is it in you is it is it in you well you don't want to look down and check and you've got no feeling in your vagina whatsoever so without well hang on just make eye contact with me without looking down can you tell if there's a [ __ ] in you now what was your one my grands in hospital you were [ __ ] someone and they said to you my grandma's in hospital like it is yeah I'm gonna break your hips any other mundane things during sex there's the ice cream van [Applause] did you start going out with him when you were quite a lot younger there's the ice cream van most natural thing in the world I had one the other week again I came in with his wife he'd be married like 30 years and she just said to him and she said she'd said it okay she said to him during sex she said now I've got your full attention let's talk about those curtains foreign another one that comes up a lot you're boring me which my response would be yes I am [Music] I don't know what this says about us as a nation but one that comes up all the time from audiences is uh change channels are we having sex with the television on people change I think if someone said change channels to me I think well I would know they were talking about the television but I would be very tempted to go thanks very much I Don't Mind If I Do of course the classic is uh Celie needs doing hopefully not in that voice ceiling needs doing to which my response would be yeah I'm Gonna Fill your crack gentlemen if you're in a long-term relationship you'll be familiar with this conversation it's the conversation that happens five minutes after you think you've gone to sleep you know the one I mean TV's off lights are off books are down everyone's washed their teeth you're in bed night night love you love you night night five minutes after that just as you're just as you're drifting off into sleep the most insecure voice you've ever heard in your life out of the darkness if we broke up would we still be friends I said what do you mean still [Laughter] I bought my girlfriend some lingerie it was her birthday and she tinted at the stuff she wanted so I went to I think it was agent provocative for these fancy kind of set of pants and bra and stuff were quite right so she was quite impressed she opened up on her birthday morning she was really kind of into and she went oh these are beautiful darling but they're not my size I said don't worry about a chat with a woman in the shop and she says you can have an operation thank you I knew I had to lose some weight in the last year it's a very sad day for any man when his girlfriend suggests he comes on his own tits foreign person and a pregnant person it's embarrassing isn't it especially if it's a fella had a fat girl come up to me recently after a gig why I say a fat girl she was either fat or 18 months pregnant she was big bubbly you might say not with an ffs and personality that filled a room no shaped like a bubble she was a comfort eater I don't mean she was eating for emotional Comfort she was eating until she was comfortable to sit on she wasn't a size 0 she was a shape zero anyway she came up to me after that was she pretty much surrounded me and she said you're not meant to use the term fat I said you're not meant to eat cake for breakfast you're not meant to deep fry Mars Bars and gravy isn't an energy drink but if I can't say fat because I wasn't using fat in a judgmental way I was just purely being descriptive on stage I was using the word apparently I can't use the word fat now if I can't say fat what term does she prefer chunky monkey wobble slop fatty boombatti or blubbernaut and if you're offended by any of those terms how about a salad the term real woman I used to really like the term real woman it meant a voluptuous Fuller figured curvy beautiful Buxom plump lady you would say she's a real woman it doesn't mean that anymore does it real woman is now euphemism for chunky monkey wobble slob you say she's a real woman when you mean she's a really fat woman dangerously close to being two women have you ever [ __ ] a girl so fat you think it might count as a threesome find yourself in the throes of passion thinking it's that boob or arm I'll give it a link just to be sure a lot of people think horizontal stripes make them look fat no what makes you look fat it's being fat the only horizontal stripes making you look fat are the ones in viennetta lasagna and sponge cake how'd a fat girl come up to me after a show a couple of weeks ago very nice girl she said look I really enjoyed the jokes but I'm a fat woman how do you think I feel I said squishy I was asked recently Glasgow by like a proper Publishing Company proper publishing company said to me do you want to write an autobiography and I've given it a little bit of thought I've made some notes and I thought we might go through the notes this evening and see whether we think it's a good idea for me to write a book just out of interest if I wrote a biography who here would would buy it well it might just be worthwhile you never know your luck um well look I've been asked to write it so I thought I'd make some notes obviously my first thought when they said you want to write a biography was well I wish I'd kept a journal but I never kept a journal because I'm not a fat goth girl the first thing you've got to talk about if you write one of these kind of cashing on your Fame biographies you've got to talk about being famous you know has Fame changed me no I've always been a bit of a [ __ ] laughs it's a very odd thing being famous I get this thing happen now where about once a week someone will come up to me in the street and go I know you from somewhere do we go to school together and I've discovered there's no way to say to another human being no we didn't go to school together but do you own a television without sounding like a total [ __ ] [ __ ] what sorry is that box no that's water you've probably heard of it [Applause] man who's the most famous person I've ever met well I might I want matter uh the um it's quite an impressive one I don't want to show off but you know you know you know no you know how Villages have got idiots yeah I met the idiot for the whole of Glasgow [Applause] one of the biggest [ __ ] in the world yeah and you married him [Laughter] guys again that will only happen in Glasgow you call someone a [ __ ] and their wife goes yep oh don't I know hahaha [Music] [ __ ] here now I'm yeah I'll record it in Glasgow be fine [Music] [Applause] the big advantage to being famous as I see it is if I ever get Alzheimer's I want to be absolutely fine if I ever forget who I am I'll be fine because as I wander around town for the day people are constantly going oh look Jimmy come on oh look Jimmy don't look Jimmy come on so if I forget my identity I'll be constantly reminded the downside to that is about five percent of the time people get it wrong and think I'm Alan Carr so about once a week I'd end up back at the care home sucking off an old fella no I don't really like it looks let's talk about my looks well could be worse it could have been a pop-up book looking at me you wouldn't think I was voted the fourth sexiest man in Britain and you'd be right I wasn't people often ask how do you get the Jimmy Carr look well get your mother to drink heavily during pregnancy okay sorry mate no offense I do look a little from EastEnders yeah I wish that wasn't funny I wish that didn't ring true but sadly it does doesn't it it's an odd thing being on TV being on stage in front of all you people it makes you more vain than you should otherwise be I'm a number 37 year old man I shouldn't be vain at all I realize you can't polish a turret but you can roll it in glitter can't you so you do the best with what you've got and I always try and make the best of myself you know try and you know dress well and present myself well it only ever leads to embarrassment vanity I remember the first time I did a room this size in London my older brother came to the gig yeah I've always like looked up to my older brother came to the show came backstage afterwards he didn't say anything about the performance he just went are you wearing makeup and to my eternal shame I went no it's tinted moisturizer I realized now in my mouth foreign let's talk about my career I've got a terrible boss self-employed I'm currently on sexual harassment charges of course on the other hand you are looking at employee of the month like an electrical goods store and they've got all the TVs in the store hooked up to one camera and you kind of do that weird thing of waving yourself as you walk by and there's an odd moment where you go well I don't want to stop waving because I'm still waving that's what channel 4 is like for me I'm like they're [ __ ] screensaver and for the moment it's just stand up and TV for me my acting career has been put on hold and that was a decision taken by you the British public yeah a lot of comedians I started with have now gone to Hollywood to make movies which is great you know well done them but there's something called loyalty and there's something else called a lack of talent and no office just know it's dispatch can you just keep a little bit quiet for a second I've just noticed there's a man over there that pit in a blue jumper I think he might be asleep if you could just keep quiet around him just shush on [ __ ] he's woken [ __ ] hello you're having a [ __ ] weird dream on you I wouldn't fall asleep again some something very bad will happen I was going to teabag him [ __ ] it's annoying isn't it [Applause] sounds like it would have been a very popular choice what's your name Stephen you had to have a little thing though didn't you oh and what'd you do Stephen you're a footballer who do you play for stran ra he's a footballer he plays for stran ra okay I'm [ __ ] [ __ ] at football as well mate don't worry about it that's fine don't worry about that don't feel bad strand run is that five aside is it you've got a full team wonderful well I bet you're all great kicker you lazy [ __ ] try and pay attention it's not like people fall asleep when strand RAR up like oh no hang on that's a bad analogy lazy [ __ ] I've noticed a trend in publishing just the last couple of years the more depressing the childhood segment of the book the better the book does the better the biography does people love reading about kind of horrible depressing childhoods so I've had a crack at writing a heartbreaking childhood Memoir which wasn't easy for me because my childhood was actually fine I was in a lot of fights at school well not a lot one and it wasn't a fight it was a debating society and I wasn't in it I was watching still don't [ __ ] miss we were poor but we were happy I remember every Sunday morning you could hear my dad banging away trying to get some life out the old boiler then he'd give up go upstairs and [ __ ] my mum I simply adored our pet dog patch but one day my parents called me in and told me that Patrick been called away to the giant potato sack with bricks in it in the sky for weeks I wasn't changed I wasn't given proper food someone stuck the TV on in the corner and I just lay there in my own filth God I loved University because it's like anything with a spiritual element always does brilliantly look at the Bible that's still a bestseller even though they give it away in hotels I guess you could say I haven't found Jesus but then I Think Jesus should try and find me he's omnipotent and I'm on telly how tough is that make a [ __ ] effort Christ or Christ make a [ __ ] effort that works either way I'm cynical about religion but I'm not cynic I do believe in other things I'm willing to believe in aliens for example I mean if aliens don't exist then who was it that abducted me at the age of 13 and transported me to a room full of weird flashing lights and subjected me to a terrifying rectal probing well that's right was the guy that ran the youth center Disco yeah the thing that put me off religion was I was raised Catholic any other Catholics in it's a weird thing isn't it like Catholic school if you go to Catholic School says education is very odd sex education they don't want kids to be told about sex they want to show them the Catholic Church are we're the only kind of contraception they seem to approve of is [ __ ] young boys granted you're not going to get them pregnant one of my teachers was very sexually repressed they used to take it out on the kids one thing stuck in my head he was responsible for the worst phrase in my childhood you know sometimes something bad happens and then someone says something and it just makes it 10 times worse right it was already bad about 60 of us my whole year went swimming big swimming Regatta thing and my friend Anthony got an erection that's embarrassing that's a bad situation the teacher didn't make any better by pointing out said erection in case anyone had missed it and then describing it as wait for it Nature's thumbs up foreign it is weird the stuff you remember when you look back like I've sort of made some notes about my childhood I thought I'd be able to remember the stuff they taught me how an oxbow lake is formed how World War One started you know the stuff they teach you at school I can't remember any of that I don't know what this says about me as a person but I remember with total Clarity the day Matt came into school and told us all he could suck his own [ __ ] I remember clearly because you told us how he did it he said he did it by falling backwards into the bath laughs I remember at the time thinking there's an accident that's gone terrifically well man down the front give me a look as if to say I might have a bath later on Mom Dad I'm just having a bath why isn't the water running no reason [Music] it's an interesting area I think sexual Awakening isn't it for a biography that's always a good chapter my uncle actually taught me the facts of life but I can't tell you what they are because it's a special secret between me and him foreign I can't say if I tell you my mum and dad will both die I was given a doll I don't remember the doll's name I just remember the game was you had to point to different places and how many times it happened that game jealous much one of the things that's holding me back from writing an autobiography is the fact that if you write one you've got to talk about your private life in a very public way and it changes the nature of celebrity it makes you into more of a sort of tabloid celebrity so I'll just dip my toe in the water I'll talk about it a little bit try and get used to it my girlfriend is without a doubt the most beautiful girl I could get I'll cut to the chase on this people always ask have you ever cheated on your partner well yes it's it's happened there's nothing that I'm proud of but well it was last Christmas and I read all the Trivial Pursuit questions before we played and then I [ __ ] her sister which if anything made it worse she's forgiven me now though she told me recently she said I'm fine nothing's wrong good I thought it was weird because she was crying so I said what's the problem and she said if you don't know I'm not going to tell you so I guess she's organizing some sort of surprise party I thought it'd be romantic to take my girlfriend back to where we first met but she said don't make me go back there I worry about that joke is that just racy lacism oh you raise your latest it's not it's an accent it's fine don't cry I get asked what's the secret of Comedy Graham Norton's got a wife and two kids doesn't leave this room people ask me what I'll do if I ever run out of jokes well I could always write an episode of two pints of lager people see multi sort of Obsessed I always ask what did you do before comedy well I used to work on the oil rigs off the coast of Aberdeen I did I was a male prostitute I knew I knew you from somewhere never forget a face hold the back of someone's head um I often get asked what's your pet hate well he doesn't like it if you put things in his bum two cats bummer Mama it's like a towel holder from the 70s they're strangely alluring right I'll tell you what I was gonna I was gonna talk to you about this this is the question on this tour that's come up more than any other from audience members yeah what order would you do girls allowed in we've given that concerted thought in case we ever get a knock on the door from the five girls saying I want you now we want to be able to say come in ladies the rotors on the fridge I can explain myself Cheryl first I tell you why Cheryl first I find her the most attractive so I definitely want to get that one done and let's face facts I might only have one in me five is not gonna happen guys five is never gonna happen like every man wanted to have sex twice is before I've had sex once the ladies know they're walking about all been over promised to I'm gonna make love to you all night long or until I get sleepy let's see which comes first I came first [Music] I would have the ginger one in the room at all times stop me going off early oh Cheryl I'm just about to oh we're back in the game Sydney we'll go any other questions this evening anything else you'd like to know why do I get my suit I get all my clothes from high and mighty it's not to do with my size or shape it's my attitude this is actually a suit for an eight-year-old Giant I don't know why that's a giant it's more like a Thunderbird any idea any other thoughts questions how much money am I making from this gig well I'll put it in terms that you'll understand sir a hundred money what was your question what age did I lose my virginity it was the 20th century no I lost my virginity I was 26 when I lost my opinion now I realize there'll be grandmothers in Glasgow thinking well that cannot be right did he not have a sister no I was 26 but I tell you why I was 26 because I was Christian growing up I had an imaginary friend that I used to talk to I know it sounds mental now but I did so that was part of it but partly I wanted it to be special why not special but consensual and then I got to 26 and I thought [ __ ] it how much is a train ticket to Dundee [Applause] any other thoughts come on sorry what's my favorite song I would say probably Sweet Caroline [Applause] where would it began I can't begin to know it but then I know it's growing strong first ever spring then spring became the summer [Applause] so I could have just gone on there hands touching hands reaching out touching you touching me [Applause] a good time I've never seemed so good I'll be inclined to believe hey I'll do that yeah do some karaoke halfway through why not [Applause] I like that and also like uh Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot I like big butts and I cannot lie you other brothers can't do nine um I come back Advance the best way to impress a woman is to compliment her as in court you're a fast runner you nearly got away we all know that no means no but what does it mean when they shout help means the gags come loose you annoy me you know enough and it comes in that super hard plastic you cannot get a start on do you know the stuff I mean you and you end up chipping a tooth and then you go and get scissors never dream of getting the scissors first do you think I'll try my teeth ah and then the worst thing is when you bought scissors and they've come in that stuff that annoys me that and genocide oh backseat drivers they're all the same why are we going into the woods please let me go I tell you what I love love love love and I bet you all love it too I love the snooze button do you love the snooze button love the suit because after eight hours sleep I tell you what I need a nap strange but true isn't it I wake up in the morning I'm more tired than when I went to bed than I before I wake up thinking I'm exhausted how tiring is sleep I need 10 minutes just to take the edge off that have you got pets who's got pets yes [Applause] I can't have sex if the dog is looking at me those big eyes looking up as if to say what are you doing and that's why I didn't [ __ ] talk we made love I'm a typical guy I love all sports Pilates hopscotch conkers you name it cricket cricket was invented at rugby public school when some boys were playing football and one of the boys forgot the ball and they're all standing in a field and nothing happened foreign [Applause] over the years initially there was test Cricket that takes five days of your life that you don't get back to play then there was one day Cricket a vast Improvement then 2020 that only takes three hours to play I'm looking forward to Cricket one one and ultimately Cricket [ __ ] zero where no [ __ ] plays Cricket because it's [ __ ] boring [Applause] the Paralympics that is what sports should be about did you watch the Paralympics when it was on in Beijing inspirational or inspiring Global event about three people saw it it would appear I don't know how to describe it to people that didn't see the Paralympics it's sort of like the Paralympics it's sort of like a children's book where all the broken toys have a picnic well you can get off the high moral ground if you didn't even [ __ ] watch it favorite event and all the events are interesting I think because you're watching sports that you've seen before sports that you've taken part in done in a different way because they're being done by disabled people so you're getting kind of a different angle on it different rules yeah so they're all interesting my favorite and you've got to promise me look this up if you if you think I'm making it up Google it when you get home and have a look on YouTube treat yourself it's awesome Paralympics the blind football okay so they get a normal I'm talking about stran ra okay so what they do in the blind football their Paralympics they get a normal football normal standard issue soccer ball they put a bell in the ball and blind people play football their spatial awareness is that good they could tell where the ringing is find the ball not only find it kick it and score a goal how [ __ ] awesome is that and team GB got silver gold went to some kittens I don't know how they got into the stadium presumably no one saw them and there was an unfortunate incident when the referee blew the whistle for the final time someone kicked his face off man I'm very comfortable talking about disability on stage because disabled people are part of our community part of our societies of course they are but also disabled people are the most patronized group within Society everyone patronizes the disabled it's like a national Pastime here's a good example for you if you've got any building in this country with more than four stories there's a limit on the number of wheelchair users that can be in that building any one time because what if there's a fire there's a fire throw him out the [ __ ] window what's he gonna do break he's back again what's he gonna be double paralyzed yeah about Dave he's been double paralyzed it's pretty bad he's got to go around in two wheelchairs guy climbing Everest I thought well done but what for the view surely the great advantage of being blind is there's no need to travel get a foot spa on a heat lamp you could be [ __ ] anyway speaking of which I'm thinking of starting a charity sending blind kids to Disneyland well telling them no it's not the same but my dog my dog's gone always lost an eye and he's got well the vet records he's got about 30 peripheral vision in his in his uh remaining eye who thinks I should get the vet to put him down no Canal is okay if you'd wanted to live you would have won the fight with a badger like when the collars and cuffs match but I wouldn't want to date a bald lady that took you a while to get apparently women like chocolate because it stimulates them in the same way as sex which I think goes somewhere towards explaining the popularity of the chunky KitKat I've never found chocolate to be an aphrodisiac the only way a chocolate bar is going to help my sexual performance is if I use it as a splint or bait I've got a friend that took me to one side recently he said what does it mean if on a first day a girl puts her cheeky finger up your bum whilst fellating you I said it means there's going to be a second date it's been a pleasure talking to you this evening Glasgow firstly thank you so much for coming out to see the show I really do appreciate it um well thanks so much thank you a couple of quick things just before I go if you've never seen a Punch and Judy show I don't want to spoil it for you but the man behind the curtain is a pedophile a lot of people don't think pedophiles should be allowed to live anywhere near schools but it does reduce their carbon footprint final thing if you're scared of pedophiles grow up thank you very much indeed cheers thank you thanks very much Glasgow I don't know if you realize there's an audience what that noise means to Performance that simple Act of applauding it's everything you work for as a performer but that noise could drive you mental imagine if that happened when you left work you finished a busy day doing whatever you do with your lives you finish working 3 000 people go [ __ ] yeah you'd go a little bit mellow I'm very special so to keep my feet on the ground to stop myself going crazy I always remind myself Glasgow that is less applauding than any of you individually would give to a waiter who dropped a tray it's true though isn't it that is our best thing ever as a nation I love it when you're away on holiday it's like you're in the south of France or Spain or wherever or Birmingham but I love it when you're away you can tell where all the other British people are because when a tray goes over in a restaurant we're the ones going you clumsy [ __ ] can't it's a family show I've noticed a thing I can have to see a lot of comedy shows and I've noticed the thing Comics tend to do their best stuff right at the end of the gig and then they leave the audience wanting more sounds good doesn't it but it doesn't make any sense because you the audience are left wanting more than the comedian has [ __ ] off that doesn't make any sense so what I'd like to do because I've given it some thought I'd like to torpedo this gig with some very unpleasant jokes that will offend and upset you all and then you can all leave thinking thank [ __ ] that's over you're welcome let's begin if women are so good at multitasking is it too much to ask tickle my balls while you work the shaft half a joke half public service announcement I often get asked are you ever gonna get married I don't think I ever will get married I mean you can't get married at 16 without parental consent and that's not going to happen they still think she's dead [Applause] that's an unfortunate reaction because that's only there to warm you up for this one 18 years did you read that story was I the only one that read that story and thought 18 years in squalid conditions have a tidy round make your house a home you lazy bent say what you like about the Make-A-Wish Foundation they can work to a deadline it's not like I've dropped kicked a kitten into an orphan's face once I did that once and it was [ __ ] funny but you sort of had to be there I think I've sorted out the credit crunch I thought you'd be pleased no I genuinely I think I've sorted out the credit crunch you know what the problem is with it with the credit crunch as I in layman's terms okay the trade the turnover the cycle of business isn't happening in the way it was because businesses and Banks and countries have gone busted no one trusts each other so how are we going to repair this how are we going to get things started again get that virtuous circle up and running I'll tell you what we do we build a World Trade Center I can see you cross thinking that's going to be a [ __ ] big building have two of them I saw the cheat of the New York City Police on the news he said we will never forget 9 11. I thought what's your [ __ ] home not your phone number [Applause] [Music] I do love doing these gigs I mean I'm so glad I I recorded the DVD in Glasgow but the these gigs just the fact that everyone sort of shares a sense of humor that's such a special thing everyone appreciates as well everyone gets it everyone in this room gets the fact it's just jokes we're just messing around trying to have a laugh together it's just messing you know these jokes aren't who I am I'm actually I'm in the real world I'm quite a generous sort of person I realize that makes me sound like a dick but you know I'm quite a giving sore person I mean last year I donated a kidney of course they wanted to know where I got it from I know it's still warm keep it I often get out someone asked earlier a favorite joke or Rudy's joke um I got asked in Liverpool last year someone said favorite Pub jokes someone shouted out at the end of the show so I thought I'd end by telling you my favorite Pub joke it's quite a rude joke I think you all knew it was going to be fairly rude but I'll tell you and then I'll tell you why I'm telling it um I I got asked favorite favorite Pub joke in Liverpool and uh so I said I've told my favorite project what's the difference between football and rape girls don't like football textbook response Glasgow it's a laugh followed by a [Music] the interesting thing for me is that that's not two distinct groups of people there's not one group laughing and another group going whoa those are the same people that joke makes you a little bit schizophrenic you don't choose what you laugh at I'm sure many of you have been disgusted at what you've been laughing at this evening but you don't choose what you laugh at it's like a reflex you just laugh and then another bit of you kicks in and goes what the [ __ ] are you doing laughing at that ooh so I told it in Liverpool it got a laugh and then ooh and then there was a pause and a woman at the back went I like football imagine that being your problem with that joke she clearly had time to think well we all like it rough once in a while he's got us there but I also enjoy soccer now I'm taking a stand well as I say it's been a pleasure performing and like I mean the reason we did the DVD here is because it's sort of one of the best gigs of the year I just I [ __ ] love it um thank you so much for coming out to do just one quick thing before I go if anyone wants an autograph or to say hello after the show or to get fingered or to have a fight whatever you would like I'll be down there in that corner I'm more than happy to wait as long as it takes thank you so much for coming out to see me and I'll see you all again next year thank you very much [Applause] foreign

Channel: Jokes On Us

Views: 1,031,374

Keywords: comedy, stand up, stand up comedy, comedian, stand up comedian, new comedy, best of, full comedy show, comedy compilation, universal comedy, comedy central, off the kerb, open mike, live at the apollo, mock the week, stand up show, comedy show, british comedy, uk comedy

Id: b575pMYT6Gw

Length: 111min 8sec (6668 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 22 2023