MIlton Jones at Rewind South

ha [Applause] good afternoon he's a bit weird [Applause] surely that makes it even harder to see singing room so if you own a dog it runs off into crowded areas so you have to shout his name after him don't call him death to the west once and Jonesy's my whole name my whole name is built in 79 he feel grown Jones it's my dad head you could save tax if you put your house in your son's name what a day it's being spent the morning attaching a lot to the front to slow down burglars who arrived by barge [Laughter] then no one turned up to the first meeting of my sarcasm club as quite loads of people saying how much they were looking for [Applause] then I tried to rescue a man in the high streets who is being eaten whole by a giant maggots he shouted get off my sleeping bag and in the afternoon I gave some ice cubes to some junior doctors as their placards demanded turns out they wanted justice [Applause] sometimes period it's just ice [Applause] [Laughter] sometimes people ask me where I get my shirts once a year I traveled to the Himalayas I walked for days into the mountains I climb one particular bouncer there's a cave at the top there's a hermit who lives in it and he orders them for me on the Internet [Laughter] do I ever get recognized it's on the train the other day there's a bloke over see it's you isn't it so yes so you're probably probably gonna put this in one of your skits so it's not really entertaining enough anyway we were both right I used to live in a flat with three girls but one day they found out my heroes flippin thank you also draw its best now I like George best no no I like zippy best [Applause] Oh everyone so learn English language I'm being a locked in a room with a box full of Records wasn't easy but if I had to do the same I would my friend Fernando Tom my research say what a lovely audience from all over the world anyone here from outside the United Kingdom where you're from United States I've just come back from America all the way across on the flight my wife was going where you can upgrade all right yeah you get an upgrade took a bit of time but in the end I got a better wife [Applause] in terms of America I really got into the culture integer shot from the guy should have a nice day and I didn't so I sued him [Applause] when I was in America as one of those very very very very very very very very large Americans he said he quitted kitchens I said I bet you don't [Applause] when I was an American I went out to this girl say what's your name Chantal I said what if you're not going to tell me your name first you've got a job in America teaching geography as a foreign language any other countries represented you know where Wales our master miles south it's not very specific whereabouts in South Wales where the Rhondda Valley I just say South Wales [Laughter] [Applause] got a minute wells flood myself on a kitchen knife the Welshman says this is fantasy we might just be talking about his fizzy drink [Applause] music I think my favorite place in the world though is Peru actually the privilege watching the inventor of the Fitbit full of matching picture because he didn't hit 10,000 steps on the way now [Applause] Argentina instant lates mind you they only use knives and spoons they get the knives from the north in the night lands they give us moves from the South in the spoon hands I'm 42 then we own the full plans laughing good cheering pad South Africa that's an interesting place mind you if you're in Starbucks in Johannesburg and there's a steamroller nearby don't order up that white [Applause] and all my holiday was a natural protective but it turns out it wasn't protected you should have come to my sarcasm club I'd love to have seen you now [Applause] sometimes people ask me where I get my trails just once a year I travel to South America I wrote four days into the jungle eventually come to the tallest tree there's a tree house on the top courses at the top so how many lives in it he throws the other half meeting a Malaya's you order something on the internet hurry I brought my biological parents out in a rash so I was brought up by my non biological parents [Applause] my brother he's in his final year if he doesn't stop annoying me on his hot when he was young he fell into a snow globe managed to survive just badly shaken two guys nervous when anyone with dandruff sneezes my uncle he was complained of being a claustrophobic marriage ever he died when every sneeze surrounded by his wife statistic today is amazing how many people seem to die as a direct results have been surrounded by their families [Laughter] my happiest memory though is writing my name in the snow with my granddad well until his nose got frostbite my other grandfather very proud of him he was involved in a very successful surprised bombing raid over Germany about ten years after the war my other grandfather [Applause] we knew things for serious for him when he had had a camera inserted internally but he was annoying the wedding photographer [Laughter] [Applause] one of the last people tap one of the old lead pacemakers diary see love me man we buried in with a heavy heart [Applause] recently on drugs has an aeroplane 4,000 feet 3,000 mm I pulled the cord my cagoule tightened this means nothing to me [Applause] recently I drove into the back and what was an unmarked police car [Laughter] it all got very complicated very quickly they demand in my name and address which is some of you know is the same thing you can't arrest me Irish how did I see those TP traffic cops roads haven't even got a blurry number place I got a long story short there's riot bags I mean as much fun as they sound I said to bring her back oh now I know it can't be easy being a policeman I mean no one ever phones up I was 99 98 I've seen the first crocus of spring if you remember even when I did do it anyway they threatened to hold me in death Monday and I said a hug look two or three minutes would be more than I am NOT even trying to give them the name of someone I believe to be a serial killer well you seem to be very good bodies near the place of his work but they didn't want to know the name of that vicar something wrong with the system they say overall crime is down but who steals overalls anyway my aunt's she's almost Irish thanks iris a lot of angry people about was in the high street every day is person the petition came at me is it a petition about ivory uncie are you for or against say what would you endure around to the elephants in Dorset [Applause] should you shoot jumpsuits things are the butcher in hospital I looked him in the eye and I said I was born in [Applause]

Channel: VIP Productions

Views: 161,418

Keywords: Milton Jones, rewind south comedy

Id: FzWHDnyjCGY

Length: 16min 23sec (983 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 26 2018