Millennials Are Still The Stupidest Generation. Brad Upton

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If you saw my last special, I make fun of millennials. I don't know if you remember that or not. (audience cheering) It was quite popular. Do we have anybody tonight under the age of 30? Any 20-somethings? That's still the dumbest group of humans I've ever met in my life. (audience laughing) You're not dumb academically, I'll get to that. But you are soft emotionally, I can tell you that. (audience laughing) The reason I say that, when I was growing up, our parents let us play in the street, climb trees, and blow stuff up. And you know what happened if you got hurt or maimed? You got a new name. (audience laughing) I had two friends I grew up with Aimer and Niner. When Amir was six, he was in the garage with his big brothers blowing stuff up. He lost his right eye. It was closed the rest of his life. He looked like he was aiming a gun. That's how he got the name Aimer. (audience laughing) He was the aimer. Everybody called him Aimer. (audience laughing) I did not know his name was not Aimer. (audience laughing) So the first day of third grade, the teacher said, "Ross Thomas." We all went, Ross Thomas, who? Aimer, is your name Ross? (audience laughing) We started laughing. That sounded funnier to us than Aimer did. (audience laughing) And Aimer says to the teacher, no, my name's Aimer. My mom is the only one that calls me Ross. And she goes, "well, Aimer, how did "you get that name?" He goes. (audience laughing) Can you imagine now a kid even pretend to point a gun at a teacher. (audience laughing) There'd be a lockdown. There'd be a helicopter above the school. My friend and I are in the fourth grade. There were four of us who were all out in the woods together. We're all climbing trees. We're all up about 15 feet and he fell. And on the way down, he was trying to grab branches. And by the time he hit the ground, he'd lost most of his ring finger. (audience laughing) Every time I tell this story, I still picture it. It's 55 years ago and still makes me laugh. Because he got up and he's dusting himself off. He's going, "I'm bleeding somewhere. "I'm bleeding. "I'm cut. "I'm cut. "I don't know what--" (audience laughing) And my other friend says, look at your hand. He screamed and he ran home. (audience laughing) We all climbed down and followed him but none of us thought to look for his finger. (audience laughing) About four days later, he's back in class. His hand's all heavily bandaged up. We're learning about decimal points for the first time in our life. He raises his hand and he says, "I have 9.2 fingers." (audience laughing) Called him Niner for the rest of his life. (audience laughing) When I was a kid, everybody had a nickname. Every single kid-- nobody went by their real name. And it was given to you by your friends, usually about a body part that was not flattering. (audience laughing) I have friends who are Ponch, Taterhead, Lips, Chin. Lips had big old Pete Davidson lips. Chin didn't have one. (audience laughing) We originally called him Viola because we knew he'd never play one. (audience laughing) I had a-- I had another friend in high school. He had a short right arm. It was just-- it was fully functional, but it was just-- it was a short kind of short arm on this side, right? So he had a big hand and little hand, we called him Clock. (audience laughing) Everybody called him Clock. The teachers called him Clock. (audience laughing) He was Clock. Clock was awesome, too. He was in my second period algebra class and we were supposed to be in our seats every day at 9 o'clock when the bell rang. But Clock would always wait out in the hall until that bell rang and he'd burst through the door every morning like this. (audience laughing) It was never not funny. (audience laughing) Every single day we waited for that moment and laughed for 10 minutes. (audience laughing) One day, we're sitting in class, the bell rings, and he doesn't come through the door. We're like, oh, well, that's weird. Where's Clock? Must be absent. Well, he was tardy. 10 minutes later, he burst through that door. (audience laughing) We laughed until 9:30. (audience laughing) And Clock was the best student in class. And he was by far the best student in class. And every Friday, we had to race him on problems. The teacher would put problems up on the board. We had to compete against him. We called it beat the Clock. (audience laughing) Nobody could beat him. He had that left hand going like this and the eraser in his shorthand. (audience laughing) One time in PE class, this is after class, we're in the locker room changing, right? And we had two new kids in class and they were bullies, and they were bullying Clock. And so Clock's in there and he goes, "I'm going to knock you out "with this hand." And then he goes, boo. And knocks-- just spins this kid knocks him out. Just boom, hits the ground. And then he turns to the other one and goes, "or this one." (audience laughing) And we hit that kid. We all hooted and hollered and the teacher came running out of his office. "What's going on? "What's going on?" We said, well, these guys were bullying Clock and he knocked one of them out. And by then, this kid's kind of getting up and the teacher just walks over and goes, you just got knocked out by a kid with a half arm. (audience laughing) Hope you learned to keep your mouth shut. (audience laughing) And that was the end of it. Nobody got sent to the office, nobody got suspended, nobody's parents got called. Nowadays, Clock would have been the one that got suspended for throwing that first punch. And then you'd had to bring your parents and get an anger-- anger management plan. Well, I got angry and I punched that kid, that's the plan. (audience laughing) Can you imagine now calling kids by their afflictions? Hey, here's my buddies, Blinky and Snort. (audience laughing) Here's my other friend, Orphan. His parents were anti-vaxxers. (audience laughing) Not accurate? (audience laughing) I said the 20-somethings are dumb. They're not dumb. It's just certain ways of the world. The reason I say that, you watch, in the not too distant future, hackers are going to knock out our cellphones and the internet. These 20-somethings will come to a stop, stare at their phone, and have no idea what to do next. Because they've always had an internet connection. If we lose the internet, us old folks, we got a plan B. You 20-somethings are going to have to find a bunch of old people and ask us how to do stuff. (audience laughing) "Hey, mister, can you help me get "home? "I don't know how to do directions." (audience laughing) Well, I can draw you a map but you're gonna have to listen and store the information in your head. (audience laughing) And I'm not here to tell you life was better before cellphones. It wasn't. I love my phone. I'm addicted to that thing. You ever lose your phone? Oh, that's a panic attack. I lost my kid at the mall one time and didn't panic like that. (audience laughing) Because I have two kids. (audience laughing) Never has technology moved so quickly as the past 20-plus years. My son was at my house a couple of years ago. He called my mom, his grandma. He turns to me, he goes, "I think "grandma's phone broken." I go, why? He goes, "listen to this." It's a busy signal. (audience laughing) He'd never heard one. (audience laughing) He goes, "now what do I do?" Hang up. (audience laughing) He goes, "how do I leave a message?" You don't. (audience laughing) He goes, "now what do I do?" I go, wait a few minutes. Call her back. He goes, "that's stupid." (audience laughing) And I don't know what it was like in your house growing up. My house growing up, my dad never answered the phone. He wasn't getting out of his big old chair. That phone rang, he just looked at us kids. It was our job to answer the phone, right? I was telling my son that story one day, he goes, "why didn't you "tell your dad to get the phone?" (audience laughing) My World War II marine dad? (audience laughing) I tried it once. (audience laughing) Had no idea he could get out of the chair that quickly. (audience laughing) When I woke up, that phone was inside me. (audience laughing) "Hey, Dad, why don't you get-- (audience laughing) Here's something that kills me about technology and old people. By old people, I'm talking about people my age. Watch us when people are taking pictures. They've got the camera. We all stop. We don't walk in front of it because we think we're going to ruin the film. (audience laughing) Hey, Boomer, no more film. Keep moving. These guys delete more pictures in an hour than we used to take in a year. You remember roll of 24? That thing would last year all year. You get that back, you go, look, there's Uncle Billy. He's been dead at least a year. Oh, my. I got-- I got some new Uncle Billy photos. (audience laughing) And photos weren't unlimited, you had to keep track. Remember that little counter on the bottom of the camera told you how many were left? That's why all the sasquatch photos are crappy. (audience laughing) Everybody was down to their last shot. Like, oh, there is. Click. Ah. (audience laughing) Behind a tree. Before COVID, I worked in Singapore and Hong Kong. I worked these English speaking comedy clubs and I flew from Hong Kong to Singapore on Tigair. It's this cut rate Asian airline, they cramming you in close together. And I don't feel like a big man. But in Asia, I'm gigantic. (audience laughing) I did not realize it till I was standing at the gate looking around going, oh my, I'm the biggest guy here by a lot. So I'm 6'1", 190. 195. (audience laughing) 200. (audience laughing) Probably 202 this morning. Anyway, I was the biggest guy by a lot on the jet and I had a window seat. There was a guy in the aisle and I said, can I sneak past you? (audience laughing) (audience cheering) He said, "your sneaking days "are over, my friend." (audience laughing) In mid-December I was in downtown Seattle and I came across one of those live nativity scenes. And I've never seen one before. Go and check it out, a live nativity scene. Look there, that's a-- that's a-- that's a homeless encampment, all right. (audience laughing) Where did they get a camel? (audience laughing) I got a cheap hotel recently. I knew it was cheap. I wanted free parking, continental breakfast. That's all I needed. I went down to the lobby in the morning, there was bucket of water, two raw potatoes. (audience laughing) I said to the guy that works there, I go, your website says there's a continental breakfast. He said, "doesn't say which "continent." (audience laughing) That is an excellent loophole, my friend. (audience laughing) And it doesn't matter where I travel in the country. It doesn't matter where you go on the country, highway construction everywhere. It just never ends. And this is what I know about highway construction. Could they bring the temporary cement walls in any closer to the edge of the highway? (audience laughing) Like driving isn't hard enough. It's pouring down rain, it's pitch black, you're trying to follow that white line, the white line goes under the cement wall. (audience laughing) You ever see those skid marks go up the side of those walls? (audience laughing) What happened there? I'm a habitual speeder. Anybody else? Habitual speeders? Where are my people? (audience laughing) That's part of the problem right there, there's not enough of us. (audience laughing) There is nothing wrong with traffic we couldn't fix with some speed, folks. Let's go. (audience cheering) You know what would make more water go through a hose? Turn it up faster. (audience laughing) There's trouble merging in this country too. Let me tell you how merging works. Listen up, listen carefully. I want you to take this with you tonight, OK? Here's how you merge. Ready for this? Speed up. You see how that works? (audience laughing) Go faster. Term is merge, not wedge. (audience laughing) Here's the All-American merger right here. 10, 20, 30, 40, 30, 20 10. (audience laughing) If all the traffic's going 70, you don't come down the ramp at 50 and make a hole, you come down at 80 and find one. Yeah. (audience cheering) Be a team player. (audience laughing) Everybody cheers that, no one ever does it. Let me tell you how you get off the highway. Exit, then brake. (audience laughing) It's not brake, exit. It's exit, brake. That works best for all of us. How many of you here suck at driving? How many of you suck at driving? I need-- I need to see more hands. (audience laughing) Way more hands. I need to see way more hands. A couple of you are honest. A couple of you-- the rest of you, you don't understand. Here's a traffic scenario I'd like to ask you about. Oncoming traffic and you need to make a left to the oncoming traffic. How much room do some of you need? (audience laughing) You only have to miss the bumper of the car that just went past. (audience laughing) Some of you apparently need to see the horizon. (audience laughing) I've made a left out of the second position many times in my life before. I'm like, OK, he could have gone there. (audience laughing) He could have gone there. (audience laughing) Could have gone there. (audience laughing) He's not going here, I am. Boom, right there. (audience laughing) Yeah. You got places to go. And who put in all these traffic circles and didn't tell anybody how they work? (audience laughing) That circle doesn't have to be empty for you to enter it. There just has to be enough room for you to fit. Pick out a hole and hit that thing like an NFL running back. If you've ever driven up to a traffic circle and stopped, I want you to go home tonight, lay down your keys, and never ever pick them up ever, ever again. (audience cheering) I told you, I'm always speeding. I'm 15 over when I'm early. I don't know what it is. I just think if gamblers can attribute their problem to a disease, I should be able to plea the same thing, don't you? Please, Your Honor, don't fine me. I'm just going to speed again. I need treatment. (audience laughing) You ever been on a two-lane highway, seen an RV, 10 or 12 cars stacked up behind it? Nobody can pass. One guy, some psycho guy, goes nuts from the back of the pack, passes the whole row, you ever seen that? I'm that guy. (audience laughing) Nobody else has any guts, I'll do it. (audience laughing) See you suckers later. (audience cheering) I think passing is a lost art form. I could pass on a two lane bridge with a school bus coming at me. No problem. (audience laughing) It's a question of three things-- heart, commitment, horsepower. That's the other one. (audience laughing) You don't want to pass in that Smart Car, you know. (audience laughing) I don't feel very smart right now. (audience laughing) I went into a parking garage in Seattle recently. I pay my money, I go up the ramp. There's a big sign on the wall says, speed limit, five miles an hour. Then in big red letters it says, strictly enforced. Five. How'd you like to drive around the corner, see a cop standing with a radar gun? "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, "hey, hey." (audience laughing) Chase you with his flashlight. Woo! (audience laughing) Do you know why I pulled you over? "No." Caught you doing seven. (audience laughing) How would you like to go to court on that? "Mr. Upton you've been charged "for doing 7 in a 5? "How do you plead?" Embarrassed. (audience laughing) In the state of Washington, where I'm from, we have some of the most restrictive anti-smoking laws in the country due to secondhand smoke. They're good laws. You know what I'm tired of, though, We need a law about? Everywhere I fly now, I have to sit like this. You know what I'm getting tired of? Secondhand fat. (audience laughing) Son of-- every time I get on a jet, there's a 600-pounder coming down the aisle. I'm like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They always say the same thing. "Can I sneak past you?" (audience laughing) Your sneaking days are over, my friend. (audience laughing) Could you sneak past the Golden Corral one time, all right? (audience laughing) You guys can relax on that joke. I look around the room before I do it. (audience laughing) Sometimes I have to change it to 800. (audience laughing) Felt pretty safe at 600 tonight. (audience laughing)

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Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 2,115,869

Rating: undefined out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Brad Upton, Brad Upton Dry Bar Comedy, Brad Upton Comedy, Brad Upton Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2022, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Full Show, Millenials, Nick Names, Clock, Short Arm, Softest Generation, Anger Management, second special

Id: hjpBE5Bb0SI

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Length: 6min 59sec (419 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 27 2022