MCU Phase Five Sucks | Part 1

a little over a year ago Kevin feige called an audible and said Ant-Man 3 would be the start of Phase 5 of the MCU the last few films in the Marvel IP underperformed and the thought behind the call is that Phase 5 meant a fresh start but instead of a fresh start we got more wet farts and from the $400 million tank job that was Ant-Man 3 to the turd that wouldn't flush with the Marvels the former MCU audience collectively said byebye [ __ ] with the writer and actor strike causing delays and the travesty that was the Marvel's box office receipts Disney only has one MCU movie coming out in 2024 and only because it's Deadpool 3 with Wolverine basically a license to print money that's what the MCU used to be in general but 2023 showed that was now a distant memory Phase 5 had some decent output meaning Guardians of the Galaxy 3 and that's pretty much it and that felt completely separated from the rest of the MCU as it was a conclusion to its own Trilogy in general Phase 5 picked up up right where phase 4 left off having the world singing its [Music] praises the marbles that [ __ ] is a a two pack of ass the [ __ ] are you talking about [ __ ] stinks phase five is just phase four part two because it still sucks I put together a two-part series of my reviews for phase 4 and with just Deadpool 3 coming out this seems like a perfect breaking point for a part one of phase I'm starting the video off with the last couple shows since I haven't talked about them yet and I'm saving Ekko for part two because I binged lowkey and what if and I think 2023 is a good cut off and I know I needed an MCU break or I was going to need therapy I I I may be a white boy but I'm not stupid if you end up binging these movies and shows and find you need someone to talk to Good News there's help the sponsor of this video better help makes starting therapy a lot easier and less intimidating for a lot of people you like how he did that but seriously like life can be extremely challenging and therapy could be something that a lot of us wanted to try but don't even know where to start better help allows you to speak to a therapist on the phone via video chat or messaging whichever is more comfortable for you they can match you to one of over 30,000 therapists in their network based on your needs preferences and location giving you a wider range of expertise than what might be available in your area after filling out a questionnaire about what challenges you're going through and what kind of therapist you'd like you'll be matched with a therapist in most cases within 48 hours and schedule sessions at a time that convenient for you if you feel like your therapist isn't a great fit you can switch therapist at a click of a button in your settings at no additional cost join over 4 million people who've used betterhelp you can click the link in the description or go to betterhelp.com mov cynic if betterhelp interests you clicking that link supports the channel and gets you 10% off your first month so you can connect with a therapist and see if it helps you and now back to goofiness if you enjoyed what if season 1 then you'll like this one too but in my opinion this is mostly superflu is fun where people get to smash their toys together it's basically what might happen if certain elements of MCU Cannon were altered characters end up as other heroes in other groups and factions and lives it exists to create possibilities for meaningless Connections in future MCU movies or shows like oh hey that's the tchala from episode one of what if season 2 I know we're literally talking about superheroes and magic and [ __ ] but that doesn't change what the show is there are nine episodes with varying storylines some parts of the final episode connect to Loki season 2 so the seeds are planted for bite-sized connective pieces that don't and won't really amount to much these are multiversal variants after all but if you'd like a distraction the animation style remains topnotch and some of the original actors voiced their roles so kudos for continuity if that's appealing or you're an absolutely DieHard MCU fan that doesn't care what they're putting out in which case I'm wondering why you're watching this video by all means have at it and check out what if but with the entire MCU being overly stuffed with uninteresting mind rot think of the concept and reconsider if what if is worth it to you low-key season 2 isn't a bright spot so much as a damp blanket it has one job and it's frustrating to watch it fail at that as much as feige repeated that we wouldn't have to watch the TV shows to know what's going on in the movies like LeBron's hairline that has proven to be a lie the second season of Loki exists so we can get a better understanding of how the Multiverse works if you still care at all that is but I found its plot in World building to be overly convoluted and World building feels so pointless when everything is going to change and not really matter in the end anyway judging by the box office numbers of the last several movies maybe the MCU really does end earlier than even its most Ardent critics could have predicted I'll give a simplified version of the plot because from the numbers not a lot of people who watched Say endgame are watching loky season 2 so this should do the trick we pick up where the first season left off lowkey played by Tom h and Mobius played by Owen Wilson playing himself are trying to find Sylvie AKA lady Loki after she killed he who remains and caused an Untold number of timelines to Branch out from the sacred timeline it's basically a Race Against Time to stop this thing the temporal Loom from overloading and thus destroying everything and he who remains AKA [ __ ] Kang the Conqueror that's what everyone's going to call him so I'll just make it easy he had a plan in place to be resurrected to thwart his plan and prevent catastrophe they have to do lots of fetch quests and side missions over the course of six episodes with an unfulfilling end that leaves things open if actors decide to resign or if they successfully get through their contracts without an assault charge to be fair to Loki as a production the show is well made from a technical standpoint and the actors do some of the best work in the MCU post end game I know that doesn't sound like much but it's genuinely good most MCU Productions have a similar feel in aesthetic pace and humor these six episodes have a more serious tone while maintaining that that signature Marvel humor For Better or Worse to give credit where it's due again I didn't find it overbearing here at all in fact because of the more dramatic nature of the show it was actually used pretty conservatively and the best thing I can say about it is it didn't [ __ ] annoy me that's huge for the MCU the camera work is also noticeably good not something that's really apparent in these cookie cutter Productions usually they all look pretty great but aren't unique here there's restraint in moving the camera around instead of it being frantic and choppy like you'd expect from the superhero genre as far as the acting goes Heston is impressive with how he's been able to add wrinkles to Loki and evolve the character the best he could with the clunky trash he's had to work with from season 1 on and like I said Owen Wilson plays himself so take that however you want if you like him you'll like that if you don't well you won't they give mobia some depth with his own little Arc throughout the show but he remains one not because of Wilson it is what it is Sophia D Martino is good as Sylvie and the show thankfully avoids turning her into the hero of the story like so much other post-endgame Dil a big problem with this season of Loki was the same as the first the Multiverse concept is so tired and played out already that it's difficult to care especially when the plot devices grow and grow it makes it hard to keep up the show at least handles the deaths of Untold numbers of people and living things better than Guardians of the Galaxy 3 did remember that when the high evolutionary obliterated an entire planet and they were just kind of like the group equivalent of the shrug Emoji about it what kind of monster Slaughters a civilization where are mantis and dra I don't know in this show they're watching a screen where a virtual display of the timelines are disintegrating and the emotional weight is sold effectively enough meanwhile in Guardians 3 a planet was destroyed right beneath their feet and they were just like I don't give a [ __ ] fair enough don't give a [ __ ] so give Loki some credit for that you can't talk about this show without mentioning The Swinging elephant in the room Jonathan major who filmed his scene before getting arrested for assault hey at least Vince McMahon's around to take some of the spotlight off him before the rock leaves come here for a second Rock wants to tell you one thing Jonathan Majors as Victor timley here and Loki is fine but his entire thing was overhyped from the start I'll refer you to my Ant-Man 3 review in this video which I put out when the movie dropped last year and I called it then the guy was getting credit for nothing in particular he wasn't terribly compelling his Kang or here is timely and to to be fair it could be the work he was given but it doesn't look like he'll be given anything additional either so who gives a [ __ ] the show leaves it open for him to continue as the big bad for the Multiverse Saga or leave it here now that the assault charges are final we know the answer to that whether the MCU continues with Kang or not it doesn't change that they're asking a lot from an audience who's grown tired of their Shenanigans the MCU is so Vast at this point that it's hard to keep up with then throw in the Multiverse where nothing seems to matter and you have a frustrating viewing experience I predict a complete reboot on the horizon for the MCU and the convoluted mess that is the Multiverse is one of many reasons but it's a major one I don't think Iron Man or Captain America or Spider-Man could lead us through this Multiverse Saga and keep it entertaining then leave it to Dei Choice Heroes like Captain Marvel and you're doomed in the end we have what is most likely the final season of Loki that's aesthetically pleasing overall well acted but is hampered by a convoluted Multiverse plot hey at least loky doesn't get kicked in the nuts again [Music] but everywhere I go people tell me the same thing thank you Spiderman you know guys there was a point while sitting in the theater watching Quantum Mania when I feared the intrusive thoughts were going to win I learned two things from watching this movie for one don't see this movie in 40x unless you want to have the same experience as Rihanna's baby during the Super Bowl and two I think Ant-Man loves one of his daughters in Peril so he can shout for herie and I'm coming Cassie Cassie Cassie Cassie I love you pean Cassie Cassie I probably couldn't have lower expectations when it comes to an Ant-Man movie so his third solo outing turning into an unfunny cringe inducing single serving piece of trash was surprising you might notice I sound a little different I contracted some sort of illness after seeing the movie and it's fair to assume I got it in the theater but getting sick from watching Quantum Mania sounds about right it's like every Marvel film the past 12 months has teased the return to form which is Then followed promptly by a got you [ __ ] and surprise it's [ __ ] Ant-Man 3 is the longest 2 hours of your life hampered by a boring script about a generic affair with a bland unfunny sense of humor jokes being forced is a pretty standard MCU criticism but it's even more egregious here because of the comedic pedigree of Paul Rudd whose talents in that department are wasted despite his best efforts Ant-Man 3 also proves why you can't have most of the existing characters in the MCU as our lead Heroes I have absolutely nothing against the character of Ant-Man but he he's a side character just like Shang XI not Iron Man not Black Panther and not Black Widow and not Captain America there's a reason that Spider-Man Iron Man Wolverine Hulk and that ilk are the face of Marvel and the main characters in every form of Marvel Universe media because they're the most compelling ones Ant-Man isn't going to do it for me and neither is modok as an audience member I was far more open to watching Ant-Man or giving Guardians of the Galaxy a try because I trusted what Marvel was doing based on how well they were handling the main characters films like Ant-Man acted as supplemental material to the bigger overall narrative that the main characters kept me invested in we simply don't have that now and the smartest move for Marvel is to get to the Fantastic foreign X-Men and fast quite frankly this is a pretty big missed opportunity especially because of all the pressure Kevin feige and Disney itself has put on the movie consistently touting how big of a movie it is and its importance to the direction of the MCU you'd think trying to combine elements of Star Wars Guardians of the Galaxy and Thor Ragnarok together might create something interesting not something Bland and uninspired the dullness speaks to the factory produced production line nature of these films I mean this one even tries to get Bill Murray to be the funny cool Jeff Goldblum guy from Thor Ragnarok but even he's just phoning it in and now the plot of Ant-Man in the WASP Quantum Mania the movie starts out with a flashback of Catwoman finding Kang when she was stuck in the quantum realm we know this man is Kang because you're a good little consumer and watch to lowkey first right then we switch the Scott Mr Ant-Man himself who monologues to remind you how nor Al is and how crazy all this stuff happening to him has been cuz he's such a normal guy just a really relatable Average Joe that's all totally normal just a typical guy just really normal so normal you connect with this character so normal average guy soal so normal football team Scott's gone the route of every washed up rockar ready to publish their Memoir and is selling a book about his time as an Avenger he drives the point home at the end of the book that he just wants to be a dad to Cassie and you can't forget that name it's spoken for 476 times in this movie but she's been a real silly goose lately and getting into trouble with the law she's mad at him because he left the house for milk one day and didn't come back for years twice I know how to take care of myself okay trust me I'm pretty good at it by now ouch and he's not doing anything with his life according to what a teenager considers doing something with your life and what do you do now sign books okay fine whatever if that's your character Arc at least we have one I literally saved the world oh did you but you never mentioned that before everybody's got saved the world how is that for you Scott oh they're bantering playfully and making light of it if they were ice skating they'd try and jump the hilly brush together guess that arc's not going to happen apparently Cassie's an actual genius because of course she is your daughter built a subatomic Hubble telescope in a basement and the magic McGuff and she's built obviously malfunction so the plot can happen and they get sucked into the quantum Realm along with some ants and then they get split up and that's in the first 5 minutes Scott and Cassie are captured by some wacky Quantum residents while Catwoman the wasp and Michael Douglas stand against the worst CGI background of the entire film following the B plot which is a scavenger hunt no really that's how it goes they find the thing to contact the guy who brings them Transportation so they can go talk to another guy exciting huh back to Scott and Cassie you know her name is Cassie right Cassie Cassie Cassie Cassie Cassie Cassie they're hanging around not knowing what the [ __ ] going on when goo guy arrives goo guy is the coolest character in the movie who has a suspicious obsession with bodily orphosis and his lack thereof in particular a big hole how many holes do you have I'm sorry is that a personal question I don't have any holes he puts his goo into Paul Rudd's mouth and Paul Rudd's like but then he realizes he can understand what everyone's saying now I actually really like this it got a Snicker out of me just to have it ruined when an unfunny character shows up to pee and the lemonade the guy's a real knee slapper with his delivery like this Zinger could you please stop thinking that sorry please stop thinking thinking that nothing like the tried andrue the dude who reads Minds saw something dirty gag delivered as well as a Fed Xbox during the holidays to fill you up with Giggles Catwoman wasp and Michael Douglas arrive in generic Star Wars City ripoff and both the ladies want to stay hidden so they're wearing masks and hoods to disguise themselves but Michael Douglas is like [ __ ] nope and walks around flashing that goatee like a total Chad they're here to get help from Bill Murray's Cameo but Bill Murray also says [ __ ] nope and it turns out he's the king of Riz and Michael Douglas is getting mine cucked before our eyes are you not human not technically but yes in the ways that matter anyway so redzilla is actually trying to capture Catwoman in her gang so he can hand them over to Kang obviously but they escape with a plane that's piloted by Goo lots of goo in this one and and nothing speaks to what a modern man is more than when Michael Douglas is totally cool with his wife cucking him for 30 years straight while he stayed celibate that guy I was down here for 30 years Henry I had KN I had dinner with summon a few times sir what went wrong she wasn't you baby Catwoman tells the story of her meeting with Kang during her previous stay and that he's a bad dude you know how she found out cuz she helped him rebuild his ship and then she touched it and it showed her all of his deeds yeah gives that me mem store and Doctor Strange to a run for its money for best shitty plot can drivve huh play your significant memories now at a discounted price we remember so you don't forget perhaps I treated you too harshly also it sounds like his ship is a [ __ ] rat no I'm eting [ __ ] R either way she's seen all his Dirty deeds and she's like you ain't no ACDC [ __ ] and blows up his ship's power source I mean literally blows it up makes it big Honey I Blew Up the Kid type of [ __ ] while kangs sent his goons to kidnap Pistol Pete and ant kid kid and Kang speaking as if he's been constipated for a few days tells pistol use pin particles on that [ __ ] power source for me to shrink it down to normal size and ant-man's like get [ __ ] and Kang's like No And what do we know about Ant-Man Cassie Cassie Cassie Cassie Cassie that's right so he agrees like a little [ __ ] then there's this total douche sitting in the back just talking [ __ ] and it starts to get annoying the Conqueror found me rebuilt me made me the Ultimate Weapon well [ __ ] good for happy Gil my God oh my [ __ ] how did I almost forget about the introduction of modok look how they mess with my boy so Ant-Man goes down into the depths of the bloated out power source thing and things start getting extra wacky and extra goofy cuz he starts duplicating himself like he's Michael Keaton in multiplicity what in fact it gets so overwhelming that he falls down and ant Manny void but he remembers the Obi-Wan Kenobi show and how goofy it was that after Vader trapped Obi under some Rubble he thought a Leia and that gave him the power to rise up and ant-man's like if it works for a geni it'll work for me and thinks to himself Cassie Cassie Cassie Cassie Cassie Cassie and breaks free I'm coming Cassie also we know that Kenobi should have been thinking about Luke if anything but we know Disney doesn't want you to care about him because he's a male and Ant-Man can't do it on his own either because he's Ant-Man but thankfully the plot remembers that the WASP is in the title and she shows up to save the day because that's what always happens now then Michael Douglas sees modok and has the same reaction as I did hey yo what the [ __ ] K gets his Powerball ticket so him and Catwoman pick up a six-pack to celebrate in another part of the quantum realm Michael Douglas finds pistol and Jin with the help of the ants that had fallen into the quantum realm with them and there's a helpful Montage with him getting signals in his comms device from the ants while they've been down there that's right instead of say showing this throughout the second act to build up to the uniting of the gang and the Ants it's just turned into an info dump after Kang delivers some supposed to be taken seriously cringe dialogue that made me laugh at the movie I have lost you have no idea what I have lost Cassie incites a Revolt like Captain America did in Winter Soldier and Pistol Pete shows up as giant man and delivers some of his own cringe dialogue that I laughed at K we had a deal you took my daughter just a reminder the first line was supposed to be dramatic and the second one triumphant so the revolution shows up to help them take on Kang and the CGI NPCs that exist to die at the hands of the bad guy CGI NPCs well they die but at least we get the best scene in the movie because of it I have holes that's right suspiciously orifice obsessed goo guy gets his own holes and what power they have Kang is absolutely P [ __ ] Ed about all this so he starts turning people into gravy and giant man's like M you promised your word is strong like Oak while I brought the chainsaw bit and they fight and it kind of looks like this oh no it doesn't look like they're going to be able to do it until Michael Douglas and his ants show up and the Ants dog pyong Kang and it looks like when your mom makes her amateur videos and modok shows up to help cuz he's not a dick di oh yeah I forgot about this scene tell me what to be I don't know just don't be a dick it's too late look at me I'm such a dick this is [ __ ] this is a table of [ __ ] modok dies for his efforts but I doubt he'll be staying dead because I absolutely hate what they've done with the character so more than likely he'll be back and it's the Multiverse baby there are no Stakes or Consequences that's what makes it so good anyway yay Kang's defeated and the plot decides they can go home now with just Ant-Man left to walk through the portal surprise I'm Michael Myers [ __ ] the Killer's not dead and Kang and Pistol Pete duke it out one last time mono Mano but wait there's a threat that Scott might get stuck in the quantum realm or even die but wasp shows up to help because the movie remembered her name was in the title again and they defeat Kang but no the portal Clos behind her she made such a sacrifice oh they opened it again never mind Paul Rudd leads us out of the movie with another monologue reminding you one last time what a normal relatable Average Joe he is I'm so normal I did my taxes wow that coffee is expensive I'm so normal average Joe my IQ is the number right before slow relate to me so average always missionary I like baseball there there's the story of Ant-Man 3 now let's get into it here first and foremost like I said the script is nothing but a boring Bland generic Fair it meanders from situation to situation with absolutely no help from the bonal special effects and it makes everything seem like it's running at a sludgy pace I was wondering why the movie felt so godamn long I honestly thought the movie was at least 2 hours and 40 minutes when I was leaving the theater so I was pretty surprised to find out it was only 2 hours so what went wrong well how about that pacing from my perspective the movie was completely off-balance because of its act structure stories are typically split up into three acts sometimes there are disagreements on exactly when and where an act might end and the next one begins but for my POV in this movie The First Act lasts only five or 6 minutes while the second act is at least an hour and 10 minutes with the Final Act pulling up around 45 minutes what the [ __ ] the middle Mark of the film made it feel like it had been dragging because in some ways it had and story elements that could have made the film feel a little more alive or just buried in the wrong spots like the situation with Michael Douglas and the Ants why didn't they just show him trying to communicate with someone throughout the movie the same result could happen you could have just showed it to the audience and not have them talk about it good old show don't tell but we the audience could infer it had something to do with the ants who we knew would have to show up at some point and it could build to it it's not revolutionary but that sort of thing gives more life to his story with good ideas shoved into the wrong spots in the story and the ACT structure all [ __ ] up the foundation of your film is already [ __ ] and where are the character arcs there's Cassie that they started and abandoned in a matter of 45 seconds and yeah Scott loves his daughter he loved her at the beginning and loves her at the end fascinating and come to find out this was written by the same guy who's writing Avengers Kang Dynasty so buckle up folks cuz after seeing this my faith in an MCU Redemption via an Avengers movie has been shaken to its core but whatever right as long as the characters are compelling we can bridge this Gap so it's too bad there isn't an engaging character in sight let's start off with Jonathan Majors who's the most praised piece of this movie guys what the actual hell Jonathan Majors is a good actor so I'm blaming this one on the script but Kang is [ __ ] cringe the dude talks like he's on a date and struggling to hold in a fart Majors is trying to play it like he's forcefully disarming in some moments of dialogue delivery he almost reminded me of Michael Clark Duncan's brilliant performance in The Green Mile as John coffee he gives off a feeling that he's experiencing mental anguish but he speaks softly and gently in some sort of painful politeness except brilliant isn't how I describe Kang's version of that it comes off as completely silly and I just see an actor acting instead of a character I shouldn't have expected anything but praise though from everyone else he was already getting praised when he was hired so I guess it's another one of those situations where you're supposed to say something is good and Michael Douglas doesn't seem to be acting in the same movie as everyone else there were a handful of times during the film that I thought he really needs to just stop acting you're old you're done even Clint Eastwood stays behind the camera now and Evangeline Lily's presence is completely wasted even though she's in the title man Disney you guys can't get anything right lately can you I honestly forgot she was there even when she was on the screen the girl who plays Cassie as acting chops on par with Kristen Stewart and almost looks like her too so you know take all that as you will and Paul Rudd what a waste of this man's Talent he has a couple lower key jokes that land and they were clearly his contribution to the movie in those moments so what are you doing with this script let Paul rud Paul rut it up now the special effects as mentioned are total chud I mean it is an MCU movie after all but this time around I'm a little surprised because of the tech they supposedly used the filmmakers utilize the same technology the Mandalorian revolutionized to give a real background but it just looks like complete [ __ ] and nothing better than what they've done in the past honestly it's Spy Kids 3D level quality there's even a meme pointing it out not only did it not look convincing it was also just boring how many times have you seen a completely interchangeable landscape from the last landscape you saw in an MCU movie at some point AI cloning technology will be good enough to put a replica of whatever actor on the screen voice and all and then you can have actors play those roles indefinitely and just compensate them through royalties although considering where Tech is now but what Disney gives us on screen they'll still look as good as agent Smith CGI and The Matrix Revolutions this is the problem with effects CGI complaints have been rampant for years but they're always forgiven because of compelling characters when you don't have that you kind of start looking at your surroundings more and becoming a little less forgiving the Multiverse this probably deserves a dedicated video but Amman 3 further illustrates the problem with Multiverse movies they can be done well everything everywhere all at once but that movie had engaging characters that gave us some grounding sound familiar in the mcu's Multiverse you don't get that and you also don't get any sense of what's at stake instead you have a feeling that nothing is important because anything can happen one thing is bigger than another which is bigger than another remember when they showed the Infinity Stones in a desk drawer in Loki and it just gave you a really negative feeling because it makes the thing you were invested in the last 10 years completely unimportant and meaningless how do you have these oh we actually got a lot of those some of the guys use them as paper weights well nothing's changed my favorite part of the debacle that is Ant-Man 3 is the real world consequences of its reception Ant-Man 3 was supposed to kickoff Phase 5 and its importance was announced across the heavens Kevin feige has acted like a politician the last couple years putting out fires over the lukewarm reception and underperformance of his phase four slate telling us how happy he is with the products and how successful everything's been meanwhile he's trying to retool things on the Fly behind the scenes to satiate people like bringing Hugh Jackman out of retirement from one last ride as Wolverine and oh wow what a shocker as soon as Ant-Man 3 gets a 48% on Rotten Tomatoes and a B cinema score Kevin feige that opening day announces a delay for the Marvels and a shrinking down of its Disney plus slate was some projects already in production now being placed on indefinite Hiatus gee it's almost like the oversaturation of the market with piss poor product that your own audience has been telling you is a terrible idea was a terrible idea how strange that people would rather see Spider-Man and Fantastic 4 than [ __ ] iron heart and Agatha Harkness and if you somehow think a B cinema score is good I assure you it's not Cinema scores pull opening day audiences these are the people that want to get out there and see it as soon as possible the true fans so in box office analysis typically Cinema scores mean this A+ means A+ a means a a minus means B B+ means c b means D it's just how it is Ant-Man 3 made me go back and watch an older MCU movie to see if I was just being nostalgic I remember driving home gaslighting myself like maybe the MCU was always shitty but no it was not I can confirm this because the 11-year-old Avengers 1 that I watched is still awesome Ant-Man 3 just sucks and what a Mis opportunity it was not that Ant-Man was going to save the MCU or anything but with the breeziest easiest character to make a movie with they should have been able to provide a bit of a pallet cleanser from the trash of phase 4 I anticipated a relatively inoffensive film when it comes to Quality but they put so much emphasis on the film it completely collapsed under the pressure only Kevin feige is responsible for burdening it with in the end you have an absolute nothing Burger there's no meat on the bones of this one it's a [ __ ] vegan burger is what it is a corporatized processed boring product meant to be consumed and shat right out and probably give you cancer good news Guardians of the Galaxy volume 3 is the best the MCU has offered us in over a year and a half but it's a seriously mixed bag that's overall quality hinges on what happens in five or six minutes out of a 2 and 1/ half hour film although that speaks to how great those five or 6 minutes are it doesn't bode well for the rest of the movie Chris Pratt Returns His Star-Lord and while he was trying to figure out his voice for the Mario movie last yeary Hey where's the freaking [Music] gabao you [ __ ] you [ __ ] he managed to squeeze in filming his third outing as Peter Quill along with the rest of the gang almost 6 years after the release of volume 2 Guardians 3 is tough to review and I spent about 10 hours of my weekend discussing it on various YouTube channels it's definitely not a bad movie definitely not an amazing movie but resting right on the definitely okay button but damn is it nice to have a a proper movie to discuss like it used to be pre-phase 4 there are extreme highs that offset some questionable choices and a plot that's almost exclusively by the numbers but James gun clearly loves these characters and it was made by people who really give a [ __ ] and that means something it means they respect the audience our investment and gun did a good enough job giving these Heroes a proper sendoff although the ending itself feels like an obligatory separation rather than anything making sense with all that said it's no Marvel savior this film is so isolated from the rest of the MCU that it's quality won't reflect on the greater Marvel IP I don't think this will be tricking people into thinking the MCU has been restored after phase 4 and Ant-Man 3 were complete disasters the Guardians at this point feel disconnected and I think people attending want to see what happens with their beloved Heroes and aren't worried about what interconnecting elements the film has with the greater MCU story of which it has practically none anyway I'm happy to say that unlike a lot of my MCU reviews over the last year I'm not really going to [ __ ] on this movie it simply doesn't deserve it because it's not [ __ ] the mere fact I can spend my weekend on various podcasts discussing this without it becoming a slamfest is refreshing the MCU isn't back but at least there's a proper movie to break down so thank you for that Mr gun let's start with the plot setup and understand where we are before we get to the criticisms and praise we find the Guardians on nowhere which they had purchased from The Collector during the Guardians of the Galaxy holiday special on Disney plus they're trying to guard the Galaxy from here but their leader Star-Lord is still a mess after the loss and subsequent return of Mora from another timeline Adam Morlock who we last saw at the end of volume 2 some 6 years ago comes careing out of nowhere to attack them mortally wounding rocket before being incapacitated by nebula the Guardians fix their wounds thanks to the introduction of some crazy med pack thing that instantly heals or repairs [ __ ] anything which sure would have been nice if they had those for Tony Stark at the end of endgame but they can't heal rocket because he has a kill switch on his heart which apparently prevents anyone from helping him if he's wounded the kill switch was put there by his creator which means instead of having an automatic kill switch to just kill him if he ever escaped it's more of a troll but this is the inciting incident to set up the story of the whole movie The Guardians are on a mission to save Peter's best friend Rocket Raccoon with nebula enlisting her sister Gamora to feed her into the gears of the story too let's start with the positives which already tells you it's A Cut Above recent MCU movies that had almost no redeeming qualities this film actually has some good stuff amongst its cinematic Brethren like it's at a party it wasn't invited to Sherman hey what the [ __ ] are you doing here the biggest thing working in this film's favor is the flashback scenes fleshing out Rocket's origin which becomes the emotional Crux of the entire film these scenes are heartbreaking and have the most satisfying payoff I felt in some time I'm sure I'm not alone in saying a lot of these scenes were extremely impactful and can damn near bring a man to tears the voice acting in these scenes by Bradley Cooper is off the charts and it's undoubtedly his best outing is Rocket Raccoon he brings a vulnerable element to Rocket we've never heard before and there's 's a moment in particular that is absolutely gut-wrenching thanks in no small part to Cooper's contribution the flashbacks make the movie which is also a criticism but I'll save that for the moment for Chris Pratt playing the role of Star-Lord helped shoot him into the stratosphere and he caps off his Trilogy in rousing fashion I'll admit there are times when I thought he was phoning it in but I watched the movie twice and after my second viewing I feel it suited the character and where we find him at the beginning of the movie there's a scene in the trailer where you see him screaming in emotional Agony and not to give away what it is but his performance in that moment matches Bradley Cooper's and being simply excellent he said he'd welcome coming back as Star-Lord and I'd be more than happy if he did cha UI who plays the high evolutionary is also a great actor playing a good villain I still like Baron Zemo as my favorite MCU villain but the high evolutionary ranks pretty high on the list he chews up the scenery a little too much sometimes but the character itself is a pretty cool concept with an actual explanation for his powers instead of magic [ __ ] powers that have no defined limit or rules I can already already see Marvel trying to figure out how he's a Kang variant so they can replace Jonathan major the B plot of the film is dealing with Peter and gamor and it's another thing I have to praise remember how the Loki show had a scene where it brought the 2012 Loki up to speed so that we as the audience were basically made to accept him as the same old Loki we'd always known even though he's not since the real one died at the beginning of infinity War James gun doesn't play that stupid game here the film deals with the fact this isn't the same Gamora and we see quill having to deal with it and accept that fact I was really scared after seeing Loki that Guardians 3 was just going to be about quill getting Gamora back or we just see her insta accept who she's meant to be in some contrived [ __ ] way like the Loki show did but thankfully that's not the case here I want to complement the CGI too which is finally on point VFX have been criticized out the [ __ ] when it comes to the MCU since phase 4 began and rightfully so it's been absolutely atrocious and that is not the case here at all it's like Marvel understood Guardians as one of their top tier properties so best not [ __ ] this up and poured plenty of resources into it to make this film look absolutely beautiful I don't blame the VFX Departments of other MCU films it's a known fact that they are overworked with the absolute delus of garbage Marvel has made them pump out but it seems like the teams working on this one were allowed plenty of money and resources to produce an absolutely stunning product everything from the sets background CGI and wildl looking creatures are stunning and believable James gun was also allowed to get away with some serious body Horror in this movie he directed the film slyther and super before moving to Major Blockbusters with the original Guardians film and those movies had some gory elements and it seems like Marvel really let him get away with some extra horrific stuff here for some folks it might be a little too much especially if you're bringing kids to see this but a huge kudos to Marvel for letting gun do his thing the mood of the movie is pretty damn somber despite its comedic beats that have become a Hallmark of the Guardians franchise with that said I'm pleased with the mood of the finale and it really suits Our Heroes and the tone matches that of the other films in the trilogy it's hard to say I'm I'm satisfied with the sendoff but I suppose that's another thing that comes with a caveat that I'll get to no matter what James gun loves these characters and it's apparent to anyone watching there's no cynicism or malice or disdain here that you feel some of the other MCU films have like Tao whitei treating Thor like a complete idiot or the bastardization of Doctor Strange in his own film sidelining him for some newbie character criticisms are up next but on a positive note this film was made by people who care and it's apparent the message of the film is comp passion and friendship and gun does his best to Showcase those things and succeeds most of the time I'm done with the praise so let's get into the criticisms which there are many and let's get right to the point the best part of the movie is the flashback scenes and it also feels completely separate from the rest of the film they are dropped in almost randomly or when gun feels like there's a decent enough break from the main story and while they exist to help bolster the theme of friendship particularly how important friendship is to Rocket it unintentionally serves to undermine what should have been the main focus his and Quill's friendship despite the tactic connection to the main story it feels so disconnected that I almost wish it was its own separate thing because it absolutely has Merit I mean [ __ ] it's the best thing in the movie maybe it would have worked better if it was its own Disney plus special perhaps because outside of these flashback scenes that have no real impact on the main story the movie feels like an absolute by the Numbers chore a main character is injured so we have to have a McGuffin Chase to save them that brings us to point A to point B to point C and those points are uninspired and pretty bland the orac corpse scene that makes up the bulk of the second act is just a side quest followed up by another side quest the counter Earth that practically serves the exact same purpose removed the flashback scenes and this movie almost feels entirely like an extended cut of that shitty space Casino scene in The Last Jedi just the giant ass side mission the Final Act feels like a Guardians movie and there's emotional weight there that's actually between our main characters although this movie is absolutely riddled with fake out death after fake out death that left me feeling numb inside there are constantly moments where a character actually feels like they're about to eat [ __ ] and it's just boy who cried wolf after a certain point yet James gun plays it up each time I swear there's a fake out death for every single lead character in this and it became obnoxious after this epic tragic scene that takes place and then the very next moment the character is [ __ ] fine if you remove the entire orgic corpse scene this film would play out exactly the same yet it takes up a massive chunk of the film The flashback set up the climax with the high evolution ution AR and they are the best parts of the movie so if we kept those and remov the orac corpse section it would free up the movie to do what it's trying to tell us showing rocket and Peter being best friends the film tells you they're best friends but how often have you seen them interact and I mean really in Guardians 2 rocket is away from the group half the movie in Infinity War he goes with Thor and Groot in endgame quilt isn't back until the final scene where have we seen these two characters be best friends we just rely on the screenplay telling us they are it would have been nice to remove almost half the movie keep the flashbacks and spend the extra time that frees up actually showing us the characters interacting that we want to see together because what we get is rocket spending almost the entire movie incapacitated and spoilers so skip if you haven't seen it Rocket's love Lila tells him when he's about to enter the afterlife that he has to go back we firmly established how much rocket loves his lost animal friends at this point in the movie and instead of say rocket hearing Quill's voice and deciding to go back he's told to by someone else completely undermining Star-Lord and Rocket's friendship this leads to my complaint about the ending where each character kind of goes their separate ways out of what feels like obligation because this is the final movie so they can't stay together because why wouldn't we keep seeing the guardian stories if they did after all this talking about how Rockets his best friend it didn't sit well with me that Peter decides to go back to Earth to see his uncle someone he's never mentioned or given a [ __ ] about before until Midway through this movie to set up some contrived reason to leave maybe it's just me but if my friend was hurt and I went across the Galaxy killing hundreds of creatures and stopping yet another world-ending villain to save their life I'd never want to leave their side speaking of which there have been some talks about how this film thankfully doesn't deal with massive high stakes threats and it's a more intimate story sorry no that's not the case in fact the high evolutionary destroys an entire planet killing Millions if not billions of people not what I'd call low stakes and I also found it hilarious the Guardians didn't even give two shits about it or even have a passing line about how awful that might have been [ __ ] it why not I will say like why not I will say this that one of the main complaints a lot of people have had about phase four and now phase five is the multiversal stuff the fact that nothing seem what does it matter uh for you know uh this one did dial it back in pretty successfully to us caring about something that wasn't a multiversal uh threat so I I will at least give it that that it was able to Make You Care about a much smaller scale story a planet was destroyed with millions of people on it Guardians didn't give a the Guardians didn't give a flying [ __ ] either I was just like oh [ __ ] good thing we weren't on that that may be the greatest comeback ever like Adam Warlock is also completely [ __ ] wasted in this movie and interviews with James Gunn kind of allude to the fact he didn't want to include him and was kind of forced to CU I fans been asking you for years even before Guardians too when you had to tease like what's going on with Adam Warlock did you feel pressure to put him in and like how close to what the fral product is is what you had in your head um I I did feel pressure to put him in this I wrote a lot of the stuff was written for volume two originally Adam Warlock was in volume two you can see what Marvel actually thinks of characters by the way they adapt them Adam Warlock is an ultra powerful and Kick-Ass character in the comics and he led the battle against Thanos in The Infinity Gauntlet storyline essentially the role Captain Marvel ended up taking over for the infinity War endgame Saga for obvious reasons so what do we get a character that wouldn't change the story at all if he were removed or replaced by someone else and they've turned him into a complete dumbass to boot yes there's a story reason for why he's so stupid but that doesn't make him not stupid he's stupid and shouldn't be there's also an overindulgence in the licensed music department with this movie there are 17 [ __ ] songs in this film I counted four licensed tracks played in the first 18 minutes of the movie it's like gun thought because this is his last Guardian flick he needed to shove everything he could in here appropriate or not despite the Kick-Ass music selection it just becomes noise at some point literally too much of a good thing becoming obnoxious and less special with every song played with each positive end of the movie having an unfortunate negative it's weird to think about what would happen if you took out certain things the First Act is Adam Warlock completely wasted with a contrived reason to keep rocket out of the movie the second act is a treasure hunt paint by numbers and boring and the best part of the movie is the flashbacks so does that make it a good movie with some highs that are accompanied by some serious lows Guardians of the Galaxy volume 3 is an a conclusion to the story of our galactic [Music] heroes tell me if you've heard this one before the latest offering from the Marvel Cinematic Universe is complete and utter trash sound a bit like a broken record well believe you me Noble viewer it saddens me to say it every time but reality is reality by the time you get to Nick Fury making out with a scroll the cringe Factor will make you go full McConnell secret Invasion the newest addition to the 5 million MCU related television shows dumped onto Disney plus over the past couple years is a waste of time money and talent that you won't regret ignoring and by the looks of the viewership numbers it seems like a lot of you did just that for those who have watched it secret invasion is proven to be one of those few times a year when everyone unites in hating the same thing there doesn't appear to be any Defenders of this show it's being universally derided and rightfully so it joins the ranks of Velma and Peter Pan and Wendy as pieces of media that brought together the right left Center up down and sideways to crap all over a terrible product in unison if there's one positive thing to take away from Secret Invasion it's that while the director employs the standard Disney deflection by blaming the fans for actually expecting the show to not be a piece of [ __ ] the show fails on nearly every level except the acting the sad part about the series is that the actors are giving everything they have doing what they can with what they're given there are a number of moments with Samuel L Jackson where he has that old Nick Fury charm infused with his Samy jism that make you crack a smile from time to time and like most Marvel Productions The Supporting Cast is filled out with top-notch actors it's the script concept and execution that absolutely fails them at every turn that makes the whole thing just sad to watch the very premise of the film is completely messed up from the start it's supposed to be a spy Thriller but there is absolutely zero Intrigue in this boring ass show secret invasion was originally an event in crossover Series in Marvel Comics and the show botches every aspect of that series that made it memorable and fun the conflict that set up to get the story moving is also just absolutely ridiculous and disregards so many events scenarios and places from past Marvel movies that would have solved everything in a millisecond and all of this is horribly executed with a script that tells you everything that's about to happen before it does so any potential tension is absolutely Crush character motivations are also Beyond idiotic and editing and effects that will make you cringe the MCU will never live down the laugh-inducing draxx arm on poor Amelia Clark before we dive into the sad details of this utter failure the plot boils down to this Nick Fury is a broken down old version of the fury we once knew and loved Scrolls shape-shifting aliens who were introduced in the Captain Marvel movie and you'll be forgiven if you've forgotten about that are living on Earth waiting for Fury to find them a new planet to live on on well some of them have just gotten real impatient that he hasn't done that and one of them named gravic has decided to ignite World War I cuz Fury hasn't kept his little promise so after humans are wiped out the Scrolls will take our place and make earth their permanent home that story setup will probably tingle the suspicions of any Discerning viewer that sounds awfully stupid you might say well you'd be 100% correct but there's a problem before we even get to the plot issues the show failed to deliver on its premise of being a spy thrower secret invasion was supposed to be a return to Glory so to speak the glory of Captain America the Winter Soldier which is still one of the best of the MCU and honestly just the great movie in general Winter Soldier was a spy Thriller it moved at a rapid fire Pace taking a lot of inspiration from the Jason Bourne films staying as grounded as possible for a movie about a lead with superpowers and keeping the audience guessing in cap 2 the government and specifically Shield had been infiltrated by Hydra and it played up the paranoia keeping Captain America and the viewer wondering who was and wasn't part of the conspiracy this is exactly how secret invasion was being advertised and sold a spy Thriller a show dripping with paranoia and subversion of expectations who would be a scroll who was on our side considering where Captain Marvel left off why would the scrs be turning against humans this was supposed to be a show filled with mystery Intrigue and Revelations even the concept is a mirror image of Winter Soldier instead of Hydra having infiltrated all aspects of government and people close to Captain America it's the squirrels infiltrating positions of power and humans close to Nick Fury and despite how terrible the MCU has been since phase 4 started with a couple notable exceptions even I was still willing to give this one a chance Nick Fury especially as played by Samuel Jackson is a beloved character and returning to what worked in Winter Soldier I was absolutely going to give this one a shot regardless of the setup it couldn't even deliver on the most basic aspects of a spy Thriller let alone keep the audience guessing in fact it didn't even try some of the best moments of winter so Soldier were when Steve Rogers was uncovering Secrets or having Revelations dropped on him conversations between characters were filled with tense dialogue the action set pieces we remember the elevator fight the knife and shield fight between cap and Bucky none of them would have mattered as much if they hadn't been set up so well by how the script handled its characters and their interactions there was real buildup to those moments secret Invasion doesn't do anything like that instead of building tension it completely telegraphs what's coming before a scene even starts it can't even begin to subvert expectations because you're just explicitly shown what a character is up to told what their motivations are through boring Exposition and you are never guessing who is a scroll and who isn't because you're just told or shown immediately watch very carefully now there there it is let's see that again very very disturbing the way to handle a mystery story is right there and they drop the ball take the opening scene from episode 1 for example you know who the scroll is because that telegraphs it immediately before Martin Freeman's character begins interacting with the other actor in the scene and they didn't have to do that in fact if the scene hadn't started with it basically telling us who the scroll is it could have been pretty tense because the way the characters are speaking with them filled with their own paranoia it would have kept the audience guessing instead it's clear from the start that Martin Freeman is a scroll right off the bat and we just sit and wait for the scene to finish playing out this happens constantly throughout the entire show any hint of nuance or subtlety seems like it was purposefully avoided because that sort of thing is difficult to do so they just ran with the most by the Numbers plot possible and hoped the action scenes in muted color palette would make you think this is a serious spy Thriller the show doesn't even allow you to guess who is and isn't a scroll when it comes to heads of state within the first couple episodes there's a scene where there's a meeting between people in positions of power and the villain of the show gravic and they reveal themselves as Scrolls during that scene so boom there now you know from here on out no guessing no ifs hands or butts just here you go viewer eat it up even the one Revelation that should be shocking and I'll get to why the choice to make this person a scroll is terrible later in the video when roie is revealed as a scroll it's not even done within the confines of the story it just shows him alone getting out of the shower and wiping a mirror and you see a scroll on the other side no big reveal no big Revelation to Nick Fury no tension just completely wasted on a gimmicky shot the best I can describe how lame this was is it's like the director hoped it looked cool and that would be enough for us the setups that the show does manage to get off the ground don't have payoffs at first it seems like Amelia Clark's character the daughter of Taos was going to be a villain but it's revealed quickly that she's helping her father so whatever I guess there were so many things this show had going for it and they fumbled the ball every single time it's like a softball being thrown to an MLB batter at 50 mph and they swing and just [ __ ] miss over and over and over outside the show not delivering on its promise to be a paranoia infused spy Thriller let's get back to Nick Fury not keeping his promise which is the foundation for the conflict in the show in the 9s Nick Fury promised the Scrolls that he'd find another planet for them to call home but he and Carol Danvers hadn't been able to by the time the Avengers Initiative began and then he unfortunately got blipped and upon his return still couldn't find a Planet for them and while he was blipped Taos had sent out a call to all remaining Scrolls meaning there are at least a million of them living on the planet at this point gravic the villain of the show is pissed off that Fury hasn't kept his promise yet he speaks for all Scrolls and saying that they want to be able to live in their own skin and not hide as humans so he wants to incite World War II have the humans destroy each other then the Scrolls can rule the planet if this sounds absolutely [ __ ] stupid it's because it is let us count the ways first let's look at logic and Logistics you basically have to erase most of what you've seen in the MCU from your memory in order for any of this to make sense the superheroes of Earth are now friends with the Guardians of the Galaxy so why couldn't they get their help in finding an uninhabited planet or why not ask if the Scrolls can live with them on nowhere or hey how about that planet Thanos was on at the beginning of endgame that was earthlike and completely uninhabited seems like that would be a perfect spot but the show constantly repeats lines regarding Nick Fury's failure to find a Planet exactly like that in addition how is inciting World War III so that the squirrels can rule the planet the logical step here because someone didn't keep their promise the over-the-top villain wants to commit genocide and wipe out an entire species 8 billion people so that a million Scrolls can inhabit the Earth the Scrolls have taken full advantage of the hospitality given to them by Fury all of the Wonders and cushy living brought on by First World countries which requires the symbiotic relationship of billions of people to keep up instead gravic thinks it's a great idea to live in the aftermath of a World War II a nuclear Wasteland that would destroy anything and everything that's way better than living on the Thanos planet from endgame and why is World War III the way to go infiltrating the highest forms of government across the world would have been more logical and far more interesting that sort of plot would have given more opportunity for it to be the Spy Thriller it was advertised as and there was already a blueprint with Hydra and Captain America Winter Soldier but instead just like the action The Show Goes the generic route bad guy wants to wipe out mankind wow fascinating and it does so in the most contrived boring mindless way possible the premise and conflict of secret Invasion are completely messed up and wasted and these are two foundational elements for a story it's the foundation is crumbling from the get-go you're in for a rough ride and if any MCU fan got a whiff of this stank ass fart of a concept before the show was out there would have been major push back maybe that's why MCU stories are kept under wraps so redditors and YouTubers don't make the writers look bad by providing better Concepts the only buzz from this show stemmed from Samuel Al Jackson leading the way reprising his role as Fury and that's completely bumbled too there are flashes of Brilliance with Jackson Hamming it up but that's few and far between and nowhere near good enough to recommend recommend anyone watch this pile of trash just like the script going with generic beats how the show utilizes Nick Fury is Trope filled standard stuff you've seen a 100 times when dealing with older characters I can't remember exactly how many times Nick Fury is called old or how many lines of dialogue there are saying that he isn't the fury he used to be but it's a lot the script drives the point home over and over again that he's old and useless and can't do anything on his own which is mind-numbing because that's not Nick Fury Jackson's take on the character is lotted because the fury of the past is ready for anything he's 12 steps ahead of everyone and whenever we thought he was down he was actually up he had a Mystique about him that kept him interesting to viewers and the decision to do the Modern Standard of deconstructing his character was a terrible decision we've seen this done time and again and it hardly ever plays out well the only time I can think of where this worked was in Logan but here we get the Luke Skywalker treatment for Fury the MCU has utilized the character as a guiding force behind the scenes and I think that's where Fury shines setting him as the lead of a TV show sounds good on paper but the character works best in supporting roles it's kind of like Hannibal Lecter most of the time it's best not knowing much about him because he works best when he's shrouded in mystery I don't mind Fury having a bit of a love story here in the series yes it's executed terribly but the idea isn't bad but once it becomes a Cornerstone in the show it gets embarrassingly bad and I wish they hadn't bothered once again behold Nicholas Fury kissing a scroll and cringe before your MCU overlords other players in the show don't escape character assassination with Maria Hill literally being assassinated the saddest part about that character is that she never really got to be one what we knew about Hill was she was incredibly loyal to Fury his right-hand man or woman and whenever she was on screen it was comforting like Fury she was used as a through line to unite different areas of the MCU and whenever Fury popped up you knew Hill was right behind him killing off a well-known or beloved character isn't and shouldn't be off limits as long as it serves the story I think most things are fair game it's always in the execution if it's done well then it's done well but secret Invasion doesn't get much right so how do you think they handled Maria Hill's death She's unceremoniously killed off at the end of the first episode for shock factor and that's pretty much it the response from the eight people who actually watched the show should be enough proof that they executed this poorly no one complained that Tony Stark died in endgame it made sense it was poetic and it was well done here the response to Hill's death was really that's what you chose to do whose death in the show doesn't come so much as a shock as it does obligatory they do the same with taow his usefulness came to an end and they just have him die with no emotional weight behind it but the person who gets the most aggressive [ __ ] end of the stick has to be poor roie and by proxy the remaining fans of the MCU revealing roie as a scroll isn't the issue it's the length of time it's suggested he's been one in episode 6 it's heavily suggested that roie has been a scroll since the end of Captain America's Civil War see when the real Roadie was found he's unable to walk because he hasn't gone through Rehabilitation since his injury at the hands of Falcon this is all meant for shock value and nothing more there's absolutely no regard for the ramifications of this Revelation so you mean to tell me that everything Ro's been through since Civil War hasn't actually happened to him he hasn't actually experienced so roie doesn't even know that his best friend Tony Stark is dead he doesn't know about Thanos or the blip so the emotional weight of the scene where pepper Spidey and roie have to say goodbye to their loved one was actually pepper Spidey and a random scroll saying goodbye to Tony this is worse than the scene in Loki when they decided to say Infinity Stones were just paper weights it's a blatant disregard for the past things the audience was emotionally invested in for the sake of shock value and this kind of writing is pathetically lazy and shows whoever wrote it gave absolutely no thought into what this sort of thing means out of everything wrong with secret Invasion this is probably the most egregious thing of all the final episode received the worst overall rating of any MCU project ever and for good reason it's a cringe Fest on every conceivable level from writing decisions to the effects editing and even the acting it's a pathetic excuse for an end to a $200 million plus project the MCU has had some pretty abysmal moments but they will absolutely never live down the shitfest that was the final fight between Gaia and gravic see gravic wanted what amounts to a serum that has all of the Avengers DNA in it so he can inject all the scrolls with it turning them into Super scrolls with all the powers of the Avengers at random points in the fight the combatants turn certain parts of their body into those of other Heroes their arms become a tree like groots or the hilariously idiotic looking part when Gaia turns her arm into draes covered in tattoos and all so apparently he was born with them its goofiness to an extreme it gets so ridiculous that when they turn an arm into ebony Moz who is one of thanos's black order in Infinity War it has the ring rings on his fingers I guess just like Drax was apparently born with tattoos the ring on his hands are part of Ma's DNA so what exactly would they be getting with Tony Stark's DNA for example not just his intellect but his armor maybe with cap they'd get his shield it's beyond illogical and just makes you shake your head in acknowledgement that a once great franchise has sunk this low MCU movies were never highbrow entertainment but this is beyond ridiculous and any suspension of disbelief has been completely killed off like we are an MCU side character at this point and we're left with Gaia played by Amelia Clark as the most powerful hero in the MCU and the hilarious part is I'm sure we'll never see her again because she's not signed on to more MCU projects so just like no one has mentioned a giant Celestial sticking out of the earth after the events of eternals this whole thing will be forgotten as well as the MCU expands it's getting more and more difficult to keep track of everything and make sure there aren't any logic gaps but when fans point this out it's shocking to realize the writers didn't think of major events or how certain things contradict past ones the only conclusion you can come to is that they simply don't care secret invasion is an adaptation in name only it takes the name of a beloved crossover event from the Marvel comic series and that's pretty much it now that's not a terrible thing in practice Captain America Civil War was an adaptation of the Civil War comic book event and they couldn't be more different in terms of size and scope the comic books had hundreds if not thousands of characters to work with so the storyline took place on a massive scale even involving other dimensions at the time the MC wasn't nearly as broad so it was a much smaller story but what it had going for it was the main characters were the same in both the comic book and movie versions cap and Iron Man were the big players and Spider-Man played a role in both the movie also did a great job of keeping the heart of the conflict front and center so even though it wasn't even close to a onetoone adaptation it still felt like civil war secret Invasion doesn't do that at all the TV show isn't anything like the comic book in any way major players in the comic are heroes who are either dead or retired in the MCU so the only thing similar to the comic is the title for something that's supposed to be an earth ending level threat the show feels decidedly small scale too Nick Fury continent hops but it just feels inconsequential I understand bringing Chris Evans back or having any major cameos would be cost prohibitive but it makes me question where that massive budget went then because the effects don't look Top Dollar by any stretch and the cast isn't filled with exclusively a-listers or anything this sort of thing means any scroll Revelation would be of characters we don't really care about which would mean the writing would have to be extremely strong to make up for the lack of true aha moments which it fails to do at every turn maybe the saddest part of the secret Invasion debacle is that the director of the show has gone on the defensive I simply don't understand this strategy but Disney isn't alone in doing it where a writer director actor or even Studio head will come out not just defend a poorly received product but will actively attack the fans that pay their bills how many times have you heard someone from Hollywood come out and tell you it's the fans fault for why something failed remember the Bros situation earlier this year when the writer director blamed straight people for why his movie bombed how many times has a show or movie blamed racism misogyny or whatever other buzzword for its failures and bad ratings while secret Invasion joins the club thankfully this time around it's not culture War related but the director of secret Invasion had this to say oh I don't read reviews with all due respect for me I view all the storytelling work I do as a dial with the audience I don't know is it our job to fulfill their expectations to answer your question yes it is your job to fulfill expectations he's painting this with a broad brush like we expect X and Y from a story every single time and that couldn't be further from the truth what people expect is that a show isn't a complete piece of [ __ ] with blatant disregard and disdain for the things that came before it the things that came before it are the reason people are watching it people also expect to be given what is Promised if you if you say the show is a spy Thriller engulfed in paranoia and then you don't deliver that what else would you expect as a response this sort of narcissistic mind-numbing dialogue is why a lot of people don't give a [ __ ] whatsoever that most of Hollywood is on strike the level of ego and ignorance spewing out of the people producing shitty work is sickening and people get fed up with it the attacks from Hollywood make it seem like these things are just free and we should take what we're given and say thank you well a movie ticket costs about $15 now and people pay for a monthly subscription deson to a streaming service this is a consumer-based society and people have to pay for these things if they don't like what they pay for they have every right to say so and also every right to move on to something worth their time no one owes Hollywood anything and it's high time these people get their head out of their Collective asses and gain some humility that'll be the day [Music] huh the Marvels holy [ __ ] Shocker the Marvels is exactly what everyone thought it would be a disaster in nearly every conceivable way a Hollywood production could go wrong it's a film that's been blatantly mutilated in the editing room and has become something of a Frankenstein's monster of a movie I saw it compared to the theatrical cut of Justice League and yeah I can see that that's how rough it gets it's so poorly paced and edited it's like the movie can't wait to get this over with it comes off like it's embarrassed of its own existence performances from most of the experienced actors on screen are flat and uninspired the dialogue is embarrassing characters choices come off forced or contrived the lead characters backgrounds are underdeveloped and The Chemistry Between the actors is okay at times but the characters themselves are never worthy of our admiration or emotional investment it exists because it must for the MCU machine and Disney Financial clearly said it's not worth the tax write off or the embarrassment to the company to shove it so delay delay until it finally has to hit theaters this is as vacuous as it gets the film itself was something the studio clearly had no faith in after its conception multiple delays and re-shoot for various reasons cemented it as a troubled production and you can see it hear it and there's a point in the movie where it's so shitty you can almost smell it or maybe that was the one other guy in my theater I really can't be sure between the anchovies and the garlic my breath is going to smell like Ursula box there's a point where Brie Larson's wig is so apparent you question if any of the film you've watched is from the first shoot or if it's entirely built off the multiple re- shoots and to top this disastrous production and year for the MCU the Marvel's is going to be the worst performing film in MCU history you know those times when you were 100% certain about something something you knew so profoundly in the very core of your being that it gave you confidence to speak as freely as you wanted the anticipation for the I told you so moment building and you sit back and smile just waiting for it to arrive well that moment is here as the Marvel's finally released in theaters after not one not two not three but four release date changes oh my God or was it five you know what better question does it matter oh my uh uh this just in we have behind the scenes footage of Kevin feige pitching the Marvels to Disney and how he's going to make it chicken placenta wish whoever I name this go [ __ ] in a hat Bean micro do with some acid all right all right let's go over the story first so you can get an idea of where these criticisms will be stemming from obvious spoilers incoming but I know goddamn well if you're here you're here to hear me [ __ ] on this thing so let me talk to you yeah so basically Captain Marvel was responsible for a cre Civil War that left their Planet Hala like kind of less habitable I guess so their current leader who looks like a knockoff of Storm from the X-Men men is stealing all kinds of [ __ ] from other planets and galaxies like uh Suns and water and atmosphere and what the [ __ ] I don't know the the apathy's already set in this all happens against a horrendously obvious green screen that the actors are standing against and it's a broken record at this point to mention how crazy it is that these films cost this much and look this bad at times pseudo storm finds a bangle in a space rock that is the matching bangle Miss Marvel has on Earth what luck a story commences if anyone else besides Kamala and a handful of other people in the entire universe had that bangle the Multiverse would be doomed huh lucky that didn't work out any other way except the one in 10 trillion chance it did or everyone would be dead at your convenience film pseudo storm uses her new bangle paired with her Hammer thing and rips a hole through SpaceTime during all this Miss Marvel Captain Marvel and Monica Rambo switch places with each other if they use their powers regardless of where they are in the universe because reasons con concerning light or some [ __ ] these abilities of course happen at the movie's convenience a number of times it happens when any of them use their powers but then later in the film they figure out to use them at the same time to cause a switch again at your convenience movie pseudo Storm shows up to another planet to steal its water to restore Hala you know as mentioned that planet happens to be the scroll Refugee colony and this lady can go anywhere with ripping holes through SpaceTime but decides to go here because she's well vindictive I guess it's like the Scarlet Witch thing why didn't want to just go to a universe where she wouldn't have to kill anyone to get her away assuming pseudo storm doesn't know about the Multiverse it's still a Galaxy so why doesn't she find another planet not filled with refugees of her former adversaries other than pure evil intent is this a tragic character or a completely common low brow boring bass level I'm an evil person villain you won't find a satisfying answer in the movie don't bother looking I did it for you rush is so this is the part where Captain Marvel admits that she has a nickname concerning her being the destroyer of [ __ ] worlds or some [ __ ] because she's responsible for multiple genocides but who cares she's the good guy and she scrunched her forehead eliciting empathy or at least I'm assuming that's how the AI told the ever robotic Brie Larson what a moting was and this was her first attempt at it ever pseudo storm is off to another planet and this is where the [ __ ] musical number comes in I all right look so everyone here on this planet communicates by singing unless they don't and this is on par with the dance scene in Spider-Man 3 level cringe I think Spider-Man 3's scene hurt worse because I'm such a spidey fan and I remember I was hoping for an amazing third film but this one means more this is the state wherein regarding the MCU which is bigger than just one superhero so it has bigger ramifications here's a short clip try not to bash your head off anything but nonetheless we ring the to [Music] user oh hey hey are you insane I think I could have done that better I thought it was good and now pseudo storm wants Earth's sun to restore hers and in the words of Robocop we can't have that so the Marvels as they call themselves head on out to stop her at the behest of Nick Fury and sword and also just a general desire to not want everything on Earth to die while traveling they use a plot device that Rivals the memory store in Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness in the magnitude of how contrived it can get where they put headsets on to fill each other in as well as the audience on some quick boilerplate Back stories for each character to pretend like these are fully formed characters we should be emotionally invested in there's a quick Montage of them practicing using their powers in unison and after that short session of practice they've perfected it for the rest of the film [ __ ] that couldn't have been easier at your convenience movie they face off against not Halle Berry and apparently Captain Marvel has the power to [ __ ] regenerate a son what yet she struggles battling pseudo storm with the help of two other superpowered beings that is of course until she doesn't struggle against her at your convenience movie also there's this unbelievably cringey point in the story where Nick Fury's base is going down and to save the crew the cat from the first movie named Goose has a bunch of kittens but of course these things aren't really kittens and they eat all the people so they can actually fit in and transport everyone onto the last Escape pod yes that's a real description of a real thing that happens in the movie The First Captain Marvel movie was heavily criticized for the cat thing involving Nick Fury so let's not just double down on it they said let's go supernova pseudo storm gets the other bangle from kamalak con after playing posum with Captain Marvel and she can't handle the power so she explodes but not before ripping a hole through SpaceTime again this time in the Multiverse even though fake Halle Berry couldn't handle the Bangals Miss Marvel totally can and uses it to hit Rambo with it so she can close the portal from the other side of course she says something like I always knew I'd have to do it this way even though this literally just happened it's just a piss poor line of dialogue to make sure the audience knew what was made obvious a moment prior when Monica said it had to be close from the other side yet for some reason the characters are surprised when she does this and Monica says it out loud for the audience just in case you didn't pick it up the first time she said it out loud the mcu's writing has devolved to a point where they overplay and overemphasize what should be emotionally impactful moments for characters with dialogue instead beating us over the head with what's right in front of us yet they'll keep things vague and undefined in other areas like Powers timelines and basic character limitations absolutely amazing so after this Captain Marvel flies into holl's sun and restores it yes she [ __ ] restores it like no problem boss this character is so overpowered and boring it's almost impressive in its futility Miss Marvel me meets Kate bishop and asks her to join her Young Avengers Squad and I wasn't ready for what was next Monica winds up on the exam table of Beast from X-Men in full comic book style CGI design that [ __ ] back there is not real what struck me about this was how I scoffed instead of feeling excited the way it plays out it absolutely smacks of desperation which is hard to ignore when it's finally being plastered all over mainstream media something I'll get to shortly here but this rre of desperation it rre of a studio changing the ending of a movie in the final hour in order to drum up excitement a studio finally giving the audience exactly what it should have been all along a studio finding out it's not Invincible that people don't just show up for the logo that people demand quality of their movies that they're paying to see something I would have been excited about 3 years ago made me Snicker instead and mock the studio for trying I'm just one person but judging by the box office figures there are a lot of people who share my opinion the Marvels is a film that barely registers as anything but pure consumer product meant to be shat out at a moment's notice it has no clear or consistent tone and you'll get Whiplash from it bouncing back and forth this isn't even shocking it was foreshadowed in its marketing originally meant to be a girl boss female empowerment movie it was advertised as such and was a major part of the MCU is female propaganda piece I mean female empowerment half hour special honoring the women of the MCU but it looks like at some point in late 2022 or early 23 the studio heads finally figured out that they were in serious trouble oh you know what it was when Ant-Man Quantum Mania was destroyed by critics and it lost money in theaters that was the eyeopener that whatever they were doing wasn't working even though it was obvious to all of us but you know so they shifted the release date and reot again the girl boss female empowerment angle wasn't really present and the final product definitely was a film meant for everyone the only problem is it's a shitty film that's meant for everyone remember how tonally inconsistent 2016's Suicide Squad was or the theatrical version of Justice League that's what this movie is like those films were also meant to be something else from their Inception and were changed via Studio mandate at the last second with Suicide Squad going from a dark and creepy action thriller to a wannabe villain version of the Guardians of the Galaxy all with the same original footage just done in the editing room leaving a film that looks and sounds incoherent compare the first trailer of the Marvels to the last one the last one pathetically used at least 20 seconds of Tony Stark and Steve Rogers to elicit some comparison between the Marvel's team up and the Avengers LOL The Avengers had a consistent tone because it was made by a filmmaker with a Clear Vision it utilized characters with a unique and distinct sets of powers that had limitations and boundaries and even though each character was larger than life and brought their own tone and personalities the film had a consistent feel look and sound the Marvel's is nothing like that the character's powers are too IL defined and Bland to stand out from one another two out of three of them wear similar costumes and their powers are poorly defined and often feel virtually unlimited if they're going for an Avengers tone they missed it by a [ __ ] country mile baby the editing leaves the pacing in shambles 2 I have never watched the movie so short that felt so long weird because the movie moved rapidly it clearly could not wait to get itself over with with if this movie was a living thing it would kamakazi but it's so boring and uninteresting you have to drag yourself to the finish line and the editing contributes to the movie feeling so episodic instead of a feature film it feels unimportant with no satisfying conclusion and also no tantalizing Cliffhanger despite the Studio's last second tag on and X-Men promises and everyone seems so [ __ ] bored and who can blame them for probably watching the 40th take of the fifth re-shoot of a scene wherever you are in the movie can you imagine the level of I don't give a [ __ ] they're probably feeling at that moment yeah I know most of them especially Bri are getting paid a lot of money but I still almost understand and when the actors on screen don't give a [ __ ] why should the audience question to ponder Kevin Bri Larson gives a little bit more personality to Captain Marvel in some moments and in others she's worse than ever before her acting in a few scenes where she's supposed to be emoting is probably the worst work of her career there's one scene in particular at the end of the second act that's genuinely terrible Captain Marvel is a character the studio has apparently given up on and so has Brie Larson Carol damers is played as a blank stair that occasionally smirks and is kind of like how Patrick baitman describes himself I have all the characteristics of a human being Flesh Blood skin hair but not a single clear identifiable emotion yes he has Flesh Blood bone he comes off as a human like you but he's simply not there and neither is bre Larson taona Paris is whatever as Monica Rambo her one facial expression is apparently a Perpetual state of surprise mixed with some worry and I question what she can really do with this character there's no depth here Rambo is pissed at Captain Marvel for abandoning her as a child I guess and I know this because it's the one thing the script uses in an attempt to make her an actual character and not just diversity superhero like honestly what else am I supposed to say here what is the depths of one Monica Rambo is this a character that will have books written about her psychology or is this just a [ __ ] poorly written character handed to an actor who's basically been given nothing to work with in fact most of these characters including the villain are undercooked and over served Captain Marvel has been in multiple films yet she's completely underdeveloped as a character especially with the first film's character Arc for her being that she realized she was superpowered and perfect all along despite all those dang men in her way it's a low effort smoke and mirror's job to create empathy a lazy writing technique and once they took that element away from her character in this new film she's gotten even more boring Iman volani does her best as Miss Marvel to bring some fun to the movie she's trying her best and I thought she was annoying in the trailers but quite frankly she's probably the best part of the film Samuel all Jackson is great as always as Nick Fury but again with the complete inconsistencies this Nick Fury is funny smooth and seems to be in control that is not the Nick Fury we last saw in secret Invasion just a few months ago so when does this movie take place because this is a completely different character than the fury and secret Invasion also it's a Marvel movie so it goes without saying it looks like [ __ ] most of the time the VFX are awful and it's no fault of the artists considering the time constraints we know Marvel Studios put them under I wonder how quickly they had to do that X-Men mid-credit scene honestly from an artist standpoint I feel awful for the crew of people having to put out shoty work because of a studio man instead of something they're proud of they're not alone though there are a lot of artists who worked on this movie whose work has been absolutely butchered I'm sure because that's what the movie looks and sounds like a hacked up mess the exact result you'd expect to get from an off delayed off reot of rethought production that the studio didn't even want to release something that would probably be too embarrassing for the company in the long-term to shelf better to drop it and face the criticism and take the financial hit WB got aend blowback for shelving the Batwoman movie imagine Disney trying to live down shelving the sequel to a billion doll original typically with this kind of review you'd hear cries of misogyny and yada yada but look at the numbers Disney is smart enough not to pull a WNBA and blame men for not showing up to the Marvels no one is showing up to the Marvels Marvel Studios and Hollywood as a whole can't deny the audience apathy with a victimhood shield anymore fans paying attention were aware of what was happening years ago congrat ulations mainstream world you caught up with the rest of us GG's

Channel: The Movie Cynic

Views: 276,011

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Id: Jyed94egxA8

Length: 80min 58sec (4858 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 05 2024