Mark Bowden. MASTER Your Body Language. Tuni Talks.

you look so actually I was going to bring my son to do this speech well so and he said well he said he didn't want to talk about body language he only wanted to talk about Minecraft so I came instead and we will be talking about body language and how you can use your body language on purpose how you can use your nonverbal communication in order to stand out to win trust to gain credibility so look here's what we need to understand already is that you've already decided whether you like me or not yeah you've already judged me you've already decided how this next 15 minutes is going to be for you you've decided how good my content is what kind of person I am whether I'm going to be prophet for you whether I'm going to be a risk and you've done that based on my behavior you've already made up your mind about me based on my behavior would that feel true to you and you've done that in a part of your brain which in evolutionary terms we'd say is 500 million years old goes back pre reptilian and it's the part of your brain that saves your life on a daily basis but people call it the the brain stem or the are complex or the reptilian brain that part of your brain judges everybody around you immediately makes a gut a gut judgment about everybody has an instinct it decides whether you should approach or avoid people in fact there are four different categories that we put other people into based on their initial behavior with us so great introduction but I come I start behaving for you start to see my image you hear the tone of my voice the kind of music that my voice plays with you and your brain stem decides is marked a friend to me does he look like that if I interact with him that I'll get more than I went in with I'll benefit from him and if you see me as benefit from my behavior around you a little message is sent from that bro stem to a newer part of the brain we call the the neocortex saying go and get me all the data but proves mark his friend that proves mark is benefit and so if I've shown up for you right now because of the behavior that I'm using with you as friend you're now just cherry-picking from all the information I'm just giving you you're just picking all the good stuff that you're hearing if you hear any bad stuff you'll be distorting and deleting that if you have no idea what's going on right now you'll just be making up a story about how good I am yeah how useful I might be for you now alternatively I come on I start behaving in front of you and regardless of the introduction that's been given because of my behavior you decide that I am a threat to you yeah I am a predator yeah I'm risk for you and so now a message is sent from your brain stem to your neocortex saying go and get me all the data that proves mark is a threat not all the data that disproves it as well and any data in between you're now cognitively biased to me being bad for you and so if I've hit that category for you you're just cherry-picking all the bad stuff that I'm saying if you can't find anything bad then you're distorting and deleting the good stuff if you have no idea what's going on right now you're coming back with a story and narrative that I'm risk for you now let me just check this first of all to see how this is going for you understand there's a voice in your head that keeps commenting on me yeah you've got a little voice in your head that keeps talking about me talking about the me that you see in front of you and my content what I want you to notice is what's the tone of voice in your head about me is it optimistic or pessimistic does it feel like I'm good for you or bad views it making good comments on me or bad comments on me I'm guessing that because of the body language that I'm using with you on purpose you're going to have a more positive bias towards me right now now it might might be that you still have criticisms of what I'm saying but my guess is even if you have critters right now you're still going you know what it's going to be okay it'll get good in the end yeah you've got a feeling of optimism around me right now I'm going to change that feeling for you right now just by doing two things there be a cascade of other behaviors which I'm not trying to do on purpose there's two purposeful things that I'll do with my body and the rest will happen automatically okay now what I want you to notice is what happens to the tone of voice in your head and the judgments you're making about me all I'm going to do is drop my hands down by my side and just crunch in my stomach slightly which I do by just softening the muscles in the back of my spine this will cause other cascading behaviors around around that you'll start to change your judgments about me and my content so is it the same person that you have in front of you are you as optimistic about our relationship the content that I've got we've got about another 10 minutes together yeah I think what is that voice in your head say about those 10 minutes is that voice optimistic or pessimistic here exactly megastar can you go home where's your son let's hear about Minecraft okay I'm going to to two things two things other behaviors will cascade out of that but I'm only doing two things on purpose in order to change my theories about myself and your theories about me and my content okay I want you to try and notice what those two things might be okay here they come right now in a moment you'll start to feel that your judgments about me and my content start to change and now notice what's happened to that judgment in your head what's that little voice saying about me in my content we've got ten minutes together yeah he's back yeah and ten minutes just ten minutes okay ten minutes is a finite amount of time it's a scientific amount of time we can measure it with with an atomic clock it will never change apart from if we move very fast through through the universe which we're not going to do any faster than we're doing right now at about five 400,000 miles okay so nothing is change actually physically about that ten minutes but who do you prefer the ten minutes with there's me and I've got ten minutes more to talk to you about nonverbal communication and how you can use it on purpose to win trust with people and gain credibility or alternatively there's me and I've got ten minutes to spend with you now I need to tell you that I am a subject matter expert just like many of you out there okay I have a subject matter expertise in fact as there as Kurt said what you have in front of you is voted 2014-2015 by my peers the number one expert in the world in my niche okay so understand you should probably like my content and like me because I'm good at what I do I have the best content in the world at this voted for by other experts like me you can have my content or alternatively you can have my content now I just want to tell you that I am NOT the world's expert okay I'm not the world's expert yeah I've not been voted by my peers number one in my area but I'm here to help you and if you'd like my help for out the next seven or eight minutes I'm here for you alternatively if you'd like my help for the next seven or eight minutes I'm here but now do you prefer one than the other yeah okay then I'm going to come back in a moment as to what I might be doing to give you that preference because the thing is is I'm looking at in front of me and I'm seeing other human beings I see lots of kind of diversity here lots of people who kind of look different than me and I feel like you might have a different background to me like many people here weren't born on a small island called Britain like me didn't have my parents weren't born in London yeah I get that there's some females out there and I'm male yeah so I'm seeing those kind of differences but roughly as far as I can see most people here seem to have two arms two legs and a head in roughly the same place as mine yeah there is more the same about us in our DNA than there is ever going to be any difference so the real thing is is that you can do exactly what I'm doing to change other people's perceptions I just want to go to the third category so a great introduction there on I come I start behaving if you don't see me as a predator you don't see me as friend you may instantly go is marked potential sexual partner it's possible I don't know normally people don't laugh so much on that actually but that's okay and they're trying to get in that category by the way it'll just have happened by accident here's some of the things that accidentally might have prompted that for you we look at things like skin tone does the person look healthy if they look healthy we can see it in their skin and our primitive brain goes well that's good DNA code and the person comes from a land where there must be good nutrition and good health also we look at hair quality whatever hair you have we look for does it seem to have rich color does it look shiny because if it has rich color and it's shiny that means a good mineral content in the diet and good omega-3 fatty oils in the diet therefore you come from a land where there's high nutrition resource if we're to mate the offspring will hopefully live in that land as well and stand a good chance of survival this just comes out of the bottle by the way you know you can get myself Jennifer Aniston Justin Trudeau we all Suze use the same products so it's a bit of a con bit of a cheat for anybody who's seen me a sexual partner however here's here's it but if you have there'll be a queue outside now if if you have if you haven't seen me a friend or enemy or potential sexual partner there's only one category left and that is that you are indifferent to me right now and if you're indifferent to me right now here's what you're hearing or what yeah you've sat in those presentations have you and your mind is off just imagining the friends and enemies and sexual partners that you could be having right now Wow there what's interesting here Tunney talks we're here to to meet as a community you're here to get to know new people there are seven billion people on the planet right now seven billion there are new people that you could possibly meet right now what do you think is the default when you meet a new person you came here tonight okay you're walking through a crowd what is the default yeah if they don't give you any other information is it friend enemy potential sexual partner or indifference could be smile yeah we'd hope that the default would be that we're friends with everybody unfortunately not we are indifferent than the majority of people on the planet think how many new people are there in this room right now that you've never met before yeah my guess is it's going to be close to about 150 that you've probably never met before yeah how many do you remember my guess is is that many of you have nobody new in your head and that's because you're designed to be indifferent to people you have to make an effort to be put in friend category or put other people in friend category to connect with them so here's what I want to look at with you what do you think I've been doing on purpose with my nonverbal communication to trigger your brain stem to put me into friend category and feel them like there might be a benefit with me yeah what do you think it is I might be doing yeah hand gestures we could talk about smile and stuff like that and yeah I am doing what's called a Duchenne smile and I do try and keep it on for more than three seconds the dejenne smile by the way means that I narrow my eyes not only do I pull the sides of my mouth up I narrow the eyes as well have to sustain it for more than three seconds if less than three seconds your primitive brain dis faults to a negative and makes me predator let me just do that for you I can't flash a smile for example if I just flash a smile for a 50th of a second yeah it's not enough you're brick yeah let's try it again with a few more people as a fondue Shen smile is perfectly formed yet not for long enough and therefore your primitive brain goes insufficient data default to a negative yeah better to be safe than sorry make mark a predator I can't even do half a smile if I just do this bit yeah friend enemy central sexual partner there's Morgan a sexual predator isn't it but then flesh if I'm in close proximity there don't worry you're fine with me I'm just here to network yeah so you have to add add the eyes in and it has to be sustained for over three seconds for your primitive brain to go Oh Marcus friend now and you know what it's like at events like this yeah you know you're quite unique people that you get yourselves out to these kind of events the majority of human beings on the planet don't so you have a huge advantage right now because most people are back home you know watching whatever the version of TV is now on a screen you know but you're out here but even so sometimes you're going to find it hard when networking to put on that smile okay so I want to give you something new and different what you might have noticed is what I do is to do open-handed gestures at exactly navel height yeah I want you to notice what happens if I do open hand gestures below my navel yeah yeah how much you trusted this person I'm an expert in my field yeah I'm here to talk to you about my product and service network with you you can trust me very different from I'm an expert in my field I'm here to network with you yeah you can trust me very different from I'm an expert in my field I'm here too yeah so in fact let me just finish up before I open to questions to giving you some numbers because we often think look numbers speak for them if I can just give people the data give people the facts give them the numbers they'll buy into me but understand numbers are not values yeah you can change the values of numbers simply by changing your behavior your performance your body language around it so let me give you the same set of numbers last year my company made 5 million dollars in profit which is a fantastic amount I'm really pleased about that last year my company made 5 million dollars in profit which is a fantastic amount I'm really pleased about that last year my company made 5 million dollars in profit which is fantastic amount I'm really pleased about that last year my company made 5 million dollars in profit we defended so you're not buying this one at all are you I know you've got a theory of mind about me you've got a theory about me and the five million dollars and I know by putting my gestures up here it's triggered a very similar theory for everybody in here that here in the room everybody here with very diverse backgrounds I'm going to guess that you've come up with pretty much the same story about the five billion dollars in fact some of you have got pictures in your head already moving images of me and the five million dollars again we call it theory of mind you've got a theory about me as a human being and how I've got that five million dollars and yet you have no data to support it that how true does your theory about me and the five million dollars feel to you right now yeah how likely are you to behave according to your theory about me and the five million dollars so when we think about this five million dollars what do you thoughts stole it embezzled it con somebody trip somebody you've all got this idea in your mind yeah what about this five million dollars last year my company make five million dollars in profit which is a fantastic amount in really pleased about that yeah you don't think I think it's a big amount yeah yet I said it's a fantastic amount I'm really pleased about that and you distorted and deleted that you forgot I even said that yeah let me tell you again last year my company made five million dollars in profit which is a fantastic amount I'm really pleased about that doesn't make any difference what I say it's the same for you nobody ever listening to you yeah they are watching you and listening to the tone of your voice judging you and then making up what you said based on their judgments about you if you can change people's judgments about you you change what they believe you say they you change what they believe you're feeling and intention is towards them what about this five million dollars by the way so you think it's about 3.2 and I've just kind of upped it just to look big and fancy in front of you all you think I'm exaggerating it's the same across the planet it doesn't matter where I go when I perform to people with my gestures up here they feel I'm exaggerating that's fine if I've been giving a big vision statement or telling them my feelings about something I'm doing something passionate but if I'm talking about measurable metrics they don't believe them here now what about this five million dollars last year my company made five million dollars in profit which is a fantastic amount a really pleased about that yeah you've got yeah I've got the benefit of the doubt from you yeah and it's simply because I'm doing open palm gestures at exactly navel height the open palms are a universal signal of no tools no weapons if I was threat and you were threat I'd never show you if I have no tools no weapons yeah I'd always conceal so look what happens to your fear is about me and my help for you once I start to conceal my hands once I start to conceal this stomach area here understand if Darwin is correct correct we're descendant from a ground dwelling mammal yeah as the forests of Africa receded during climate change the plains of Africa opened up the ground dwelling mammals stood upright not in a day it took hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of thousands of years but standing upright it exposed the belly area here there's now a huge advantage can use hands yeah can manipulate and see distance over the plains but there's a disadvantage and now vulnerable here so now I need to protect that area if I'm under threat protect whether I have anything in my hands to harm anybody but if I don't protect that area and I show clearly no tools no weapons and I'm not vulnerable here yeah it means I'm not a predator you're not a predator and therefore if we will interact together and have a relationship it would probably be a good relationship now most people when they meet new people will start to do this and this yeah what I want you to do when you meet somebody new is instead do as many open palm gestures as you possibly can you'll feel that you're more confident and they'll be more confident in you letting your questions what are you thoughts what are your reservations we probably got about three minutes questions observations accusations invitations celebrations never gonna fought from okay I'm gonna come to you first thing is gonna matter I'm here my name is Lisa hey Lisa so I'm a teacher yeah and body language is really important sure do have any recommendations - I guess when I'm teaching to capture more students attention I guess I'm sitting yeah absolutely so so what will make it nearly easier for them in order to take in your verbal data is if you keep your body and gestures symmetrical I want you to notice what happens when I talk to you and I make asymmetrical gestures this is causing your brain to have to use more of its neural capacity because one side of my body is now different to the other side of my body now just imagine I was explaining something up on here and now you're seeing the body go side onto you and I'm changing asymmetrically here notice what happens the moment I bring my hands symmetrical yeah how much easier it is to hear what I'm saying and how much you start to focus on my face so I do that also what I might take into account is often in classrooms not always but but certainly in my experience of sub schools okay is that the students sit and the teacher stands and that means if I get very close to you I have height advantage and that triggers your brain stem into fight and flight so although I'm talking to you here right now I'm going to imagine that certainly my friend over here is having real difficulty with what I'm saying because because I'm in close proximity to her with height advantage and that would be triggering her brain stem into into fight and flight yeah my guess is here as well yeah what she's hearing is because again the brain stem will be triggered though you're probably okay and people at the back would be fine so you've got to make sure that you keep your distance and sometimes if you want to really connect with somebody yeah make sure that you don't have height advantage because my guess is is that you can really hear what I'm saying right now and if I come in here and talk to you like this yeah and especially if I hang my hands down by my side yeah now she feels threat because she can't see my hands in her peripheral vision when insufficient data her primitive brain will default to negatives I hope that was helpful for you okay my name is Richard my question is I'm a consultant yes and I sit most of the times to meet clients so yeah it will be very awkward to be arms on to the table because they want to see it yeah because there are you sure you're on tables what are your insights as in how to procure that positive feedback from your client that is facing yeah so think about it when you sit down at a table yeah when insufficient data the other person's primitive brain defaults to negatives the moment you sit down there's insufficient data around the rest of the body what we tend to do around chairs and tables is sit down and kind of tuck in and get close to our tools and and the things that we think will actually win some kind of business or advantage for ourselves what we actually need to do is come back from the table I would suggest about handspan away from the table that doesn't mean lean back pull the whole chair back so that you can still gesture here yeah and your audience sitting around the table can see this area here questions that they ask you will be more positive questions notice what happens when you tuck in especially if you hide your hands they'll start asking more negative questions some of them will actually get quite aggressive or will feel aggressive yeah so come back from the table about a hand spell so people can see these gestures I use the same technique for for news anchors ya remember a news anchor can do anything they like on TV because it's live yeah so why does they just you know read the news like this yeah why is it that they'll read the news like this it's because you're believe the news more when it's read with open hand gestures from navel height yeah remember news is not the news its editorial spin it's not the news it's not all the news it's just some of the news put across in some kind of way so we have to convince you to kind of watch it and think that it's good news for you and therefore we do it from here notice weather forecasts are done up here on the whole yeah to make it lively and exciting because in the end it's meteorology and nobody knows what they're talking about whatever they say is going to happen tomorrow I guarantee it probably isn't yeah so we tend to try and make it more exciting up here by holding a mic up here or or showing people charts you know waving our hands around running you have no idea what any of that means no idea but you asked for the weather each day you go please tell us what the weather is Norman did you always go okay I mean it won't actually be anything like what we say by them but we can't tell you any of that another thought question observation any other any other bushes from Arkansas so we already met Daniel Daniel you're doing a sales presentation you're sitting down how long do you keep eye contact with one person one-on-one before you break it especially when you to a close yeah lovely so people often ask about eye contact what's a good amount of eye contact what's a bad amount of eye contact here's the current science the current so obviously science is the best idea we have today based on how we went to get an answer to that idea okay so science changes that's the great thing about being a scientist is you have to go it might be different tomorrow if we asked a different question or when to look for in a different way so the question was asked cross cultures what is the the maximum amount of time you can look somebody in the eye so it's a generalization cross culture the science says 20 seconds yeah up to 20 seconds is okay yeah now if that's true 20 seconds is a really long time there's a really really long time so based on that what the science is saying is you don't really need to worry about how long you look somebody in the eye like you're not going to do it for 20 seconds you're going to break eye contact here's what you do need to worry about yeah and this is a different sciences is that all eye contact means is you're the target yeah you are target now are you the target of something good or the target of something bad yeah so I'm making you the target right now and if I use that Duchene smile and gesture with open palms and navel hype my guess is is you feel pretty good about being the target yeah you smile already you're already nodding while I'm nodding yeah I can even see as I move my lips you're moving your lips along with me yeah so you are perfectly in sync with me right now okay you have what we call limbic resonance with me now I'm going to change your feeling around that okay we're going to drop my hands down by my side okay crunching my stomach and just swing my body from side to side okay this is the same person same eye contact okay I'm now going to extend this more by doing pacing up and down God targeting you okay now how do you like this eye contact right so it's not about eye contact is about what comes with the eye contact it's what comes with it in terms of just eye contact 20 seconds is fine and it's a long time so you're going to be okay it's what comes with it okay any last thoughts feelings observations I don't quite I know I see a lot of hands final question yeah let's go here mark is going to be around for a little bit so you can certainly sworn him as I'm sure sure yeah as I say the cue will be you know outside yeah thank you Mark so to me your presentation was just as much the tone of voice - or body language yeah so what's the relationship does tone of voice influence body language or vice versa so a tone of voice so tone of voice could influence your body language will tone of voice influence my body language no the muscle groups the large muscle groups will influence my tone of voice okay so all your muscles are connected to other muscles by something called a fashio it's like it just a skin and outer skin that fascia has nerve cells that talk to other nerve cells without the use of the spinal column or the brain stem so what I'm saying is is that muscle knows what that muscle is doing and all the other muscles joining notice what happens to my tone of voice the moment I put my hands up in the air notice what happens to the top my tone of voice the moment I hang my hands down by my side okay if I just stand still with my hands down by my side notice what happens to my breathing pattern for example notice how you're already mirroring and copying my breathing pattern and notice how my tone of voice is now downward intonation yeah there are three meanings to downward intonation universally which is it's over or it's depressed or if it's loud that it's a command yeah let me try and keep that tone of voice and now put my hands up in the air like this and I can't yes if I try and keep that tone of voice with my hands in the air it causes me to feel very strange so your body is your body is holistic yeah and you'll find that your tone of voice changes to fit the other larger muscle groups so instead of trying to get a soft genuine calm assertive tone of voice just put your hands in a soft genuine calm and assertive place on your body here and you'll notice your tone of voice changes of course the brainstem looks at the visual image and it listens to the music of the voice not the language the brainstem has no language it doesn't understand language that's done in the Broca's area which is in the neocortex out here it's about 200,000 years old whereas the brainstem is 500 million yeah and that brainstem is deciding the feeling in action of what's being said then it tells the Broca's area to go and get the data that proves the feeling and intention hope that makes sense to you look I will be around to answer more questions look if you're interested in this kind of stuff I've written three books but I like this one this one is called winning body language it's the first book that I ever read it's you know what I'll hold it there because more people will buy it if I hold it here yeah winning body languages first I mean down here nobody's going to buy it are they yeah here you'll think I'm trying to sell it to you here you'll think I never wrote it so I'm going to place it here winning body language available at all good book monopolies of which there are two in Canada which you'll know well so just go to those book monopolies and they will quite happily sell you one of these thanks very much for having me you

Channel: tuni talks

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Id: uFKiF2ce1P0

Length: 31min 37sec (1897 seconds)

Published: Sat Nov 14 2015