Mad Maxine: Life is Tumblr

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I think he makes good videos but I can't tell if he's kidding about all the jew stuff. Also when someone complains about SJWs enough they become just as annoying.

👍︎︎ 15 👤︎︎ u/[deleted] 📅︎︎ May 25 2017 🗫︎ replies

I wanted to like this guy's stuff, but he's too much of an anti-feminist where he stops being logical. Yes, there are some cringy politics with some of the series he covers, but it always feels like he's trying too hard. I was excited to hear why he didn't like Mad Max: Fury Road because I like hearing dissenting opinions that might have noticed flaws or issues I hadn't before.

I felt like I was in the middle of a shit /pol/ chat and for every good point he had, he had twice as many dumb complaints. He basically embodies all of the stereotypes people put on antifeminists in the worst way possible.

👍︎︎ 11 👤︎︎ u/jbbgsus 📅︎︎ May 25 2017 🗫︎ replies

He's so focused on being anti-SJW that it actually prevents him from making any valid points. It's really off-putting and annoying.

👍︎︎ 9 👤︎︎ u/jonesev28 📅︎︎ May 25 2017 🗫︎ replies

He's been know for a while,especially,since his Force Awakens review...outside of his highly offensive humor(that I personally find enjoyable) I don't think he has too much to offer

👍︎︎ 2 👤︎︎ u/Odlanorinho 📅︎︎ May 25 2017 🗫︎ replies

what an asshole

👍︎︎ 1 👤︎︎ u/vsimon115 📅︎︎ Aug 27 2017 🗫︎ replies

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[Alarm clock flips to 6:00] [Song and Cher's I Got You, Babe playing] ♫ Then put your little hand in mine. ♫ ♫ There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb. ♫ ♫ Babe. ♫ ♫ I got you babe. ♫ ♫ I got you babe. ♫ [Maxine gets out of bed] ♫ I got you babe. ♫ [Maxine gets out of bed] RADIO DJ #1: Okay campers! Rise and shine! ON SCREEN: Hey, did you see Life is Tumblr has a 10/10 on Steam? [Phone keyboard texting] RADIO DJ #1: Okay campers! Rise and shine! And an 8.7 on Metacritic. [Phone keyboard texting] RADIO DJ #1: Okay campers! Rise and shine! And don't forget your booties, 'cause it's [Phone keyboard texting] And an 8.7 on Metacritic. And an average rating of 8.5 on Gamespot! And don't forget your booties, 'cause it's [Phone keyboard texting] COLD out there! [Phone keyboard texting] And an average rating of 8.5 on Gamespot! COLD out there! And an average rating of 8.5 on Gamespot! RADIO DJ #2: It's cold out there everyday! And an average rating of 8.5 on Gamespot! RADIO DJ #2: It's cold out there everyday! What is this, Miami Beach? [Ominous sounds] What is this, Miami Beach? [Ominous sounds] [Classical music] MRS. LANCASTER FROM Groundhog Day: Did you sleep well, Mr. Conners? JOYCE PRICE:—I mean Max? MRS. LANCASTER: Would you like some... CHLOE: Hella. MRS. LANCASTER: —toast? [Creepy music] [Maxine opens a car's visor] [Creepy music] [Creepy music] [Gunshot] [Creepy music] ON SCREEN: SPOILERS AHEAD [Gunshot] [Creepy music] [Maxine's cadaver hits the ground] [Creepy music] ON SCREEN: SPOILERS AHEAD [Creepy music] ON SCREEN: SPOILERS AHEAD ON SCREEN: SPOILERS AHEAD E;R: I originally had high hopes for Dontnod, a Paris-based video game development studio, when they released their first game in 2013, called… uh… fuck it, I forget. [Ba-dum] [Explosion] [Car alarm] NILLIN FROM Remember Me: Mommy? [Car alarm] [Car alarm] NILLIN'S MOTHER: Mommy told you... [Car alarm] [Car alarm] See what happens. [Car alarm] [Car alarm] This is your fault! [Car alarm] [Car alarm] E;R: And everybody forgot for good reason, because its main character was tremendously bland for a retarded solipsist. POLICE OFFICER: Murderer! You're gonna pay! NILLIN: Not listening, go away. SMEAGOL FROM The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers: Not listening... Not listening... E;R: The story was also retarded, the gameplay equally as retarded, and the one and only unique gimmick was painfully underutilized. The whole thing was quite honestly a huge waste of everybody’s time. BUT… it had its high-points. The art direction was stunning, and despite... NEO… Paris being mostly a slum, like it’s rapidly becoming now, I honestly wanted to live there, the setting was so cool. [Olivier Deriviere's Neo Paris playing] It certainly didn't hurt that there weren’t any French people in it. Or Arabs. I would have sex with aaaaall of these robots. All of them. The soundtrack was glorious as well and I’m generally much more lenient with things when there’s good music involved. [Olivier Deriviere's Nilin the Memory Hunter playing] But overall, Remember Me was a flop, in execution and in sales, ON SCREEN: 500,000+ units sold in execution and in sales, ON SCREEN: 500,000+ units sold so much so that studio Dontnod had to file for bankruptcy. ON SCREEN: 500,000+ units sold so much so that studio Dontnod had to file for bankruptcy. Ahem, I’m sorry, be “judicially reorganized.” So when Dontnod announced a new IP, Life is Tumblr, I was, truthfully, a tiny bit excited. Perhaps with all of their talent reined in and focused to a finer point, Dontnod could really hit this one out of the park. But my hopes soon plummeted when the first previews of the “game” came out and it was heralded to be… episodic. [Dun, dun] [DUN!] Not only that, they ripped off the Telltale Games formula —badly. DAVID: I will remember this conversation. E;R: This is speaking as a non-fan of Telltale Games— KENNY FROM The Walking Dead: Season One: This asshole thinks he's getting on MY boat! E;R: —ever since they moved away from more traditional, Lucas Arts-ian point-’n-click adventure games, like Bone, Sam and Max, and Monkey Island. But, maybe, I thought, if Dontnod was going to cut away, you know, almost everything that makes a game a game, they could at least concentrate on telling a good story. Sad to say, when the first episode came out, I got up to this bit before I laughed my ass off and deleted that shit from my computer. CHLOE: I can tell everybody Nathan Prescott is a punk ass who begs like a little girl and talks to himself— PRESCOTT: You don't know who the fuck I am or who you're messing around with! TOURETTE'S GUY: Fuck! [Jun Ishikawa's Gourmet Race playing] [Gunshot] [Jun Ishikawa's Gourmet Race playing] [Jun Ishikawa's Gourmet Race playing] [Gunshot] [Jun Ishikawa's Gourmet Race playing] [Jun Ishikawa's Gourmet Race playing] [Gunshot] [Jun Ishikawa's Gourmet Race playing] [Jun Ishikawa's Gourmet Race playing] [Gunshot] [Jun Ishikawa's Gourmet Race playing] [Jun Ishikawa's Gourmet Race playing] [Gunshot] [Jun Ishikawa's Gourmet Race playing] [Jun Ishikawa's Gourmet Race playing] [Man laughing hysterically] E;R: Then I watched the rest of the season by way of Youtube Let’s Plays. Because I hate myself. So yes, intelligent viewer, none of this footage is actually mine. For one thing, fuck... do you need a much better computer than I’ve got to record any of this shit, and for another, Life is Tumblr features so little gameplay that it’d be virtually impossible to tell that I even stole the footage in the first place. Aw yeah! Wait. There’s just so much wrong with this “game” that I don’t even know where to start. Well, how about the characters? We have Mad Maxine, a very boyish-looking hipster from Arcadia Bay, ON SCREEN: No relation We have Mad Maxine, a very boyish-looking hipster from Arcadia Bay, We have Mad Maxine, a very boyish-looking hipster from Arcadia Bay, [Smack!] We have Mad Maxine, a very boyish-looking hipster from Arcadia Bay, We have Mad Maxine, a very boyish-looking hipster from Arcadia Bay, [Echoing] OREGON. [Normally] She’s a photography student at an art boarding school and her claim to fame are her selfies. Not even joking. ON SCREEN: Not supposed to do that Not even joking. ON SCREEN: Not supposed to do that She takes selfies. ON SCREEN: Not supposed to do that She takes selfies. She’s lauded... for taking selfies. TELECASTER: Welcome to parenting in 2015. [Co-host laughs] TELECASTER: Welcome to parenting in 2015. They're all just completely transfixed— E;R. DEMONIC: THIS IS THE FUTURE YOU CHOSE. [Normally] Her personality boils down to the robust decisiveness of Shinji Ikari and the fiery ambition of Katniss Everdeen. That is to say, throughout Life is Tumblr, Maxine does... next to nothing of her own volition. She is little more than a personified reaction to the events surrounding her as she is dragged along by the whims of other more autonomous characters. She is the epitome of the self-insert surrogate. Also, and this is, admittedly, rather petty of me, her voice grates on me something fierce. MAXINE: If I'm not looking through a viewfinder, I'm looking through a window... Always looking. E;R: It’s got that wobbly, perpetually-on-the-verge-of-tears cadence to it that drives me up a wall. MAXINE: This makes me so sad. E;R: It reminds me a lot of Ellen Page, but it’s nowhere near that bad. ELLEN PAGE: Different ways of representing women, and um... you know, more stories for [Nails on a chalkboard] you know, more stories for [Nails on a chalkboard] E;R: Please, make it staaaahhhp. [Nails on a chalkboard] Maxine also has time-travel powers. Well, and teleportation powers, too. We’ll get to that later. Next up is Chloe. Chloe is, to put it simply, a cunt. CHLOE: Bang! MAXINE: Jesus... L FROM Death Note (2006 Movie): Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! TOUTA MATSUDA: Hey, what the Hell?! E;R: A bona-fide, Grade-A, Korra-tier cunt. Who could’ve possibly seen this coming… [Shrill noise] There’s just so much cuntiness that it would take WAY too long to go through all of it. ON SCREEN: Chloe's Cunt Corner But here’re the highlights! [Ding] Is a high school drop-out, Is a high school drop-out, who apparently does nothing better than smoke weed and live parasitically on her step-father’s dime. ON SCREEN: *and mother's who apparently does nothing better than smoke weed and live parasitically on her step-father’s dime. [Ding] Strings along Maxine in every crime she commits Strings along Maxine in every crime she commits and pressures Maxine to abuse her powers whenever she sees fit. CHLOE: So we should figure out how to best use and abuse your power— [Ding] E;R: Will steal from a handicapped fund. E;R: Will steal from a handicapped fund. [Ding] Will shoot a man, to whom she owes money, Will shoot a man, to whom she owes money, and his dog with her stepfather’s gun just because she can. [Ding] Is incapable of doing anything herself Is incapable of doing anything herself and faults everybody BUT herself for her failings. MAXINE: Chloe, you can't keep blaming me and everybody for everything wrong in your life. CHLOE: I gotta blame somebody. Otherwise it's all my fault. Fuck that. E;R: And so much more! CHLOE: Stop treating me and my mom like we're your family platoon. SOLDIER FROM Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2: Tactical nuke incoming! DAVID: Hey, leave Joyce out of this. SOLDIER FROM Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2: Tactical nuke incoming! CHLOE: I wish you'd leave Joyce. [Emergency signal] Like now. [Emergency signal] [David bitch-slaps Chloe] [Black men chimping out at a very hihg speed] E;R: Then there’s Warren, the white knight. WARREN: Sensitive usually means: "Won't be having sex with you." MAXINE: Oh, God. You need a sensitive woman to kick your ass. WARREN: If I was [Echoing] Lucky. E;R: He’s head over heels for Maxine, treats her like royalty, thinks only the absolute best of her, is at her beck and call, and expects diddly-squat in return. WARREN: You've always treated me like a person, not... not a beta nerd. I... E;R: He’s what a lot of adult men look back on and cringe internally at. WARREN: I'm feeling pretty alpha now. MAXINE: Yes... you are. E;R: Over here there’s Bitch, whose only purpose in the story is literally —not figuratively, literally— to be a bitch. VICTORIA: Now, why don't you go fuck your selfie? [Dr. Dre's The Next Episode ft. Snoop Dogg, Kurupt, Nate Dogg playing] ♫ Hold up. ♫ ♫ Hey! ♫ ♫ For my niggas who be thinking we soft— ♫ E;R: Hey, what’s with all of the girls in this game wearing elderly woman hairdos? MORDECAI FROM Cabin in the Woods: You know damn well. E;R: There’s Nathan Prescott, a red herring. I mean it, his character serves no other purpose than to be a red herring. A blindingly obvious one, you nitwits! [Smack!] A blindingly obvious one, you nitwits! A blindingly obvious one, you nitwits! There’s Mr. Jefferson, Maxine’s photography teacher at Hipster Bullshit art school and residential serial killer. MAXINE: Why? Why?! JEFFERSON: "Why?" [Sniffles] "Why?!" Start listening to me, you dumb cunt! RUSS HANNERMAN FROM Silicon Valley: This guy... Fucks! E;R: A real jerkass and, problematically, the only character I ever rooted for. JEFFERSON: It might be cool if you took one of your patented selfies now... [Camera shutter] E;R: Now almost all of these characters are HORRIFICALLY written. The dialogue in Life is Tumblr, I can say without exaggeration, is some of the worst I’ve seen in the medium. CHLOE: Let's talk bidness— You got hella cash. You are going to get in hella more trouble for this than drugs— You hella saved my life. PRESCOTT: Whatthefuckever. Get off my crack, whore. MAXINE: Are you cereal? [Detection sound from Metal Gear Solid] You have mad skills, Max. CHLOE: Awesome sauce? Amazeballs. I literally just got chills all over my neck. ALYSSA: Not now, Max. I'm contemplating shit. MAXINE: Good to know Frank has a knife lying around... HAYDEN JONES: I just vaped some DANK OG bud. MAXINE: I fixed everything. Wowser. Wowser. Wowser! Wowser. [Wowser intro] Wow, wow, Wowser! Wowser! MAXINE: I see why Chloe hangs here. She's a steam-punk... CHLOE: But this isn't an anime or a video game. MAXINE: It is hella cold out here. CHLOE: "Hella"? I hate that word, no offense. Hella yes! Hella "best friends forever." Hella fucking paranoid. Hella insane fucking day. Hella stupid, usually. E;R: It’s like a bunch of middle-aged Frenchmen set out to write a bunch of American teenaged girls and hit it SQUARE ON THE MONEY. [Dart hitting dartboard] and hit it SQUARE ON THE MONEY. and hit it SQUARE ON THE MONEY. MAXINE: Ready for the mosh pit, shaka brah. E;R: Yeah, you heard me right. Those of you who think this dialogue is either unrealistic, put-on, inorganic, or ham-fisted —you haven’t been around a great many teenaged girls. They do, in fact, talk like this. TURK FROM Scrubs: Like, oh my GOD! E;R: I say this also as a man who attended a residential high school for the arts. If you ever want to visit a safe haven for some of the most self-absorbed, infantilizing, entitled shitstains on the face of this Earth, visit an art school. Or Yale. JERELYN LUTHER: As your position as master, it is your job to create a place of comfort and home for the students that live in Silliman. CHRISTAKIS: I hear you. LUTHER: You have not done that. CHRISTAKIS: I hear you. LUTHER: You have not done that. By sending out that email, that goes against your position as master. Do you understand that? CHRISTAKIS: No I don’t agree with that. LUTHER: Then why the fuck did you accept the position! CHRISTAKIS: Because I have a diff… LUTHER: Who the fuck hired you? LUTHER: Who the fuck hired you? CHRISTAKIS: I have a different vision than you. LUTHER: You should step down! CHRISTAKIS: I have a different vision than you. LUTHER: You should step down! If that is what you think about being a [inaudible] master, then you should step down! It is not about creating an intellectual space! It is not! Do you understand that? JOTARO KUJO FROM JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders: Do you understand? LUTHER: It’s about creating a home here! You are not doing that. MALE STUDENT: You're supposed to be our advocate! LUTHER: You’re going against that. E;R: Unfortunately, Dontnod, realism does not equate to “good.” Realism equaling "good" is a fallacy that, yes, a lot of people fall prey to, but traditional narrative structure and characterization trumps realism, every time. Speaking of narrative structure, Life is Tumblr’s story is a ridiculous, nonsensical clusterfuck of a mess, but I’m not about to make another feature-length film here, so this is the Sparknotes version: Chloe, the blue-haired cunt, strings a submissive Maxine along to help her find her friend, Rachel, abusing Maxine’s out-of-nowhere magical bullshit time-travel powers whenever possible. Turns out, Rachel was killed by Mr. Jefferson. [Record scratch] ROBOT: Red Herring is the one to actually kill her, but what the fuck ever. E;R: Also turns out that Maxine’s powers randomly jumpstarted a mini-apocalypse for no reason at all. In the end, either Chloe must die or everybody in Arcadia Bay dies for, you guessed it, no reason at all. There are a couple of sub-plots that pretend to be connected with the main one, but either aren’t or are just barely. Here’re the highlights! [Ding] Bullying! Bullying! A girl named Kate can be bullied into suicide. Maxine can either save Kate with her powers or let her die. KATE: Do you know how humiliating this is for me? MAXINE: Eat shit and die. [Screams of terror] [Kate hits the ground] [Maxine rewinds time] [Screaming] [Rewind] [Screaming] [Rewind] [Screaming] [Rewind] [Screaming] [Ding] E;R: Bottles! E;R: Bottles! CHLOE: Can you find five bottles while I prep the shooting range? [Maxine speaking at a very hihg speed] MAXINE: It's so quiet and primordial out here. I always feel like the forest is whispering to me. E;R, WHISPERING: You are a cunt. MAXINE: Like Arcadia Bay is trying to tell me something. E;R, WHISPERING: You are a cunt. MAXINE: I just have to figure out the message. E;R, WHISPERING: Cunt. CHLOE: Thanks, Max. BILL NYE: This is just [Bass-amplified] bullshit! [Ding] E;R: Insightful commentary on gun rights! E;R: Insightful commentary on gun rights! MAXINE: I thought you believed in gun control. CHLOE: Yes, I believe I should control the gun. It's the men who need to be checked. [Gunshot] [Bullet ricochets into Chloe's chest. Karma, bitch] Jesus, I shot myself! Ugh! I shot myself! Back up, back up! MAXINE: Stupid gun! Back up, back up! MAXINE: Stupid gun! [Pompidou barking] [Chloe shoots Pompidou] [Pompidou barks in pain] FRANK: Pompidou! You fucking killed my dog! [Chloe shoots Frank] MAXINE: Oh my God! [Chloe shoots Frank] MAXINE: Oh my God! [Ding] E;R: The Butterfly Effect! E;R: The Butterfly Effect! Maxine visits an alternate timeline where Chloe is not an abominable thundercunt! Instead, she’s a cripple in horrible, acute pain due to a car crash. Life is Tumblr tries to pretend this is worse. MAXINE: You're kind and sensitive... when you don't even have to be. [Lost DJ featuring Klaudia M. - Walking On Sunshine (Dj Sequence 'Candy' Remix) playing] MAXINE: Grow up! God, you're not the only one in Arcadia Bay with problems. Kate Marsh almost... CHLOE: Yes, Kate Marsh almost killed herself. Such sad. Okay? That doesn't make me feel any better about my fucked up life, get it? [Kat McSnatch's You are a Cunt playing] ♫ You are a cunt, ♫ ♫ You are a cunt. ♫ ROBOT: Niggers. [Ding] E;R: This guy's whole character! E;R: This guy's whole character! FRANK: I was eating those beans! [Frank groans in pain] [Ding] E;R: A Silent Hill-esque nightmare sequence where Life is Tumblr is actually… E;R: A Silent Hill-esque nightmare sequence where Life is Tumblr is actually… self-aware? MAXINE: I only wanted to do the right thing. No, you only wanted to be popular. And once you got these amazing powers, your big plan was to trick people into thinking you give a rat's ass. You're a goddamn hypocrite. You fucked up time and space for your precious punk Chloe. Do you really think she's our friend? That she respects us in any way? Man, you are soooo stupid. M. BISON FROM Street Fighter (TV Show): Yes! E;R: Holy shit, can this be it? Is a developer finally going to call out their audience on liking such a gigantic pile of shit? NOPE. [Ding] Lesbians! Lesbians! ...kind of. Maybe. I'm not sure. It's not especially clear. And so much more insubstantial bullcrap! Alright, to get into specifically why and how none of these characters and plots come together would be… an impossibly lengthy feat, so instead I’ll focus on the central story/game mechanic of Life is Tumblr: Maxine’s time-manipulation powers. I love time-travel in fiction. I could do a whole series of reviews for time-travel across many entertainment mediums. I LOVE that shit. But… let’s be honest. Time-travel in fiction mostly sucks. Not because it’s unrealistic or, God forbid, unscientific, because by most accounts, it would appear that time-travel is fundamentally impossible. So yes, in fiction, some laws of physics must be bent to pull it off. The problem, however, rests with the fact that so few stories will stick to their own made-up laws. Here are some pieces of time-travel entertainment that get it right: [Lost DJ featuring Klaudia M. - Walking On Sunshine (Dj Sequence 'Candy' Remix) playing] Life is Tumblr is NOT one of them. For starters, there’s no reason given as to why Maxine suddenly receives time-manipulation powers. None. So fuck that very much. Let’s break down her power: Maxine’s shtick is to reverse time a la Riley Rewind. When she goes back too far, which is only a minute or so, she gets a headache, and if her powers need to cut off at a story-dramatic moment, she gets a fuck-you nosebleed. While Maxine can reverse the world around her, she herself stays stationary. Well, not totally stationary, as her power would imply reversing the Earth’s rotation and its 30-kilometer-per-second orbital speed around the sun. So she’s somehow moving in perfect synchronization with the planet. And that’s... fine. But this means that Maxine is manipulating both time AND space, that she has the ability to spatially warp herself across a short distance. In essence, she’s teleporting. To illustrate this: if a minute ago, Maxine stood in one spot but then moved to another spot and went back a minute, [Rewind] but then moved to another spot and went back a minute, it’d be as if she jump-cut herself from over there to over here. However, nobody in this world acknowledges this. Maxine will teleport before their eyes and they simply do not care. When Chloe asks for proof of Maxine’s power, a simple teleportation could’ve done the trick, but “Life is Tumblr” never thought of that, so it doesn’t happen. The “game” acknowledges her spatial powers in a small number of puzzles, and Chloe accepts her teleporting at least once, but other than that, Maxine is teleporting all over the damn place and nobody gives half a flying fuck. So, what does Maxine use this power for? [Maxine rewinds time] [Paint bucket hits the sidewalk] [Victoria gasps in shock] VICTORIA: No way. No fucking way! [Victoria gasps in shock] VICTORIA: No way. No fucking way! COURTNEY WAGNER: You okay, Victoria? VICTORIA: No way. No fucking way! COURTNEY WAGNER: You okay, Victoria? [Wasted sound from Grand Theft Auto] [Splooge] MAXINE: Don't mess with Max, bitches. E;R: She could make herself a billionaire or god-empress of the world, but she doesn’t even attempt to experiment with her newfound powers. She barely even uses them to boost her photography career! Like, why wouldn’t you… fffffuck! Additionally, Maxine has the power to look into her photographs and teleport back in time to when they were taken. Why can she do this? Pfft, I dunno. So why doesn’t she stop 9/11? Well, that’s actually a bad idea, if you think about it. To do that would be to kill basically everybody born after 9/11 and switch them out for a different timeline of varyingly different people. She’d be a mass-murderer on much larger scale than the Jew— Why doesn’t she go back to the earliest photo she’s taken and take over the world?! GODDAMMIT. [TV lost signal] [Bert Kaempfert's That Happy Feeling playing] Now, from what little we really know, there is no multiple-worlds interpretation going on in Life is Tumblr. Maxine does alter her timeline into a different-appearing timeline, by changing the past and thus the future. For instance, from one where Chloe is a cunt and Maxine is unpopular to one where Chloe is nice and Maxine herself can sit at the cool kids table. But since she has no memory of living in the new timeline upon returning to the “present,” it’s almost like she switched over to a parallel universe where she just killed the consciousness of the host body [Death sound from Pac-Man] it’s almost like she switched over to a parallel universe where she just killed the consciousness of the host body to replace it with her own out-of-time consciousness… But why would her affecting her own timeline prompt her to switch over to a parallel universe’s timeline that she hadn’t previously affected? I mean, it could, but there’d have to be some indication that that were the case and that just isn’t the case. [Mockingly] But muh Donnie Darko tangent universes! [Normally] Look, there’s no evidence of any of that. None. Even if there were, Maxine is too stupid to stop and even consider it. One has to conclude that this all occurs on a single linear timeline where she’s just fucking shit up and doing things like OD’ing Chloe for the perverse thrill of it, only to undo everything and un-cripple her anyway. MAXINE: How can I be responsible for ending yours? I mean, there's got to be another way. [Lost DJ featuring Klaudia M. - Walking On Sunshine (Dj Sequence 'Candy' Remix) playing] CHLOE: See you around. MAXINE: Sooner than you think. [Record scratch] E;R: What a sick, twisted bitch. Anyway, for the sake of simplicity, we’ll call this time-travel model the Modifiable Conditions model, wherein Maxine can change the conditions of her past to modify her future, and in the process, somehow the Butterfly Effect/Chaos Theory doesn’t kill everybody she knows and loves. Well, not immediately, anyway. Because, as it turns out, the Butterfly Effect is actually in the process of very gradually creating a stationary super tornado with hilariously little wind speed to kill everybody. And in the meanwhile, the it’s getting off on killing birds and whales and duplicating the moon and shit. Which is dumb. But wait, Maxine realizes that the super tornado can be cancelled out if Chloe dies at the start of the game like she would’ve originally if Maxine hadn’t manipulated time to save her. How does she ever come to that conclus— Shhh shhh shhh shhh… plot, baby. It’s all for the plot. But why is killing Chloe, and only Chloe, the only way to stop the tornado and save Arcadia Bay? Where is the direct correlation? What’s to stop Maxine from using her powers to, say, dump a bucket of paint on deez bitches later on, and why wouldn’t that have a catastrophic Butterfly Effect? Why didn’t anything she manipulated have the same sort of effect? Why did anything happen in this game at all? [Sigh] There are a lot more —A LOT more—issues that I had with Life is Tumblr’s time-travel, but they get fairly complicated. Like when Maxine changes the original timeline to the cripple-Chloe timeline, did she just pop back into existence without previously existing in that timeline, somehow or did she kill and replace the cripple-Chloe Maxine? But since cripple-Chloe Maxine had time powers because there’s no reason to assume she wouldn’t, why wouldn’t cripple-Chloe Maxine make changes to her own past to kill and replace other Maxine’s before the original Maxine could kill and replace her? So is the cripple-Chloe timeline the result of a single altered moment of the original timeline to kill and replace other Maxine’s before the original Maxine could kill and replace her? So is the cripple-Chloe timeline the result of a single altered moment of the original timeline or the result of numerous alternations made by numerous recursive Maxines to numerous recursive timelines? And if that’s the case, how come none of those recursive Maxine’s killed the original Maxine or was the original Maxine killed a long time ago? [E;R layers several questions on top of each other] You get my gist. The time-travel is broken and stupid and Maxine is fucking ignorant. And that’s not even the worst part… [Distorted sounds] [Lost DJ featuring Klaudia M. - Walking On Sunshine (Dj Sequence 'Candy' Remix) playing] MAXINE: Chloe... I can't make this choice... CHLOE: No Max... You're the only one who can. [Pennywise from It laughing] E;R, BASS-AMPLIFIED: There are no choices. [Pennywise from It laughing] [Pennywise from It laughing] [Normally] That’s right. Only one decision matters to the story. ONE. No matter what you do, no matter how you play the “game,” you will only ever arrive at this singular, all-encompassing decision. And here it is: Kill the cunt, save the bay. Keep her alive, kill everybody else. Gee, I don’t know if I can decide between these… [Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead! from The Wizard of Oz] ♫ Ding dong! The Witch is dead! ♫ ♫ Which old Witch? ♫ ♫ The Wicked Witch! ♫ ♫ Ding dong! The Wicked Witch is dead! ♫ E;R: So really, you’re only choices are negating approximately 14 to 19 hours of "gameplay" by resetting the timeline. Or negating approximately 14 to 19 hours of gameplay by letting everybody die because you should’ve reset the timeline, you fuck! Even Telltale can’t top this level of hack chicanery. NICK FROM Left 4 Dead 2: Pills here. E;R: When you kill Chloe, well, you get to go all lesbians —who would’ve guessed!— and then Maxine kills her past self to ensure that Chloe is shot in a filthy high school bathroom. MAXINE: It's the powers of best friendship. I know how you roll... [Gunshot] [Gunshot] [Jun Ishikawa's Gourmet Race playing] [Jun Ishikawa's Gourmet Race playing] [Gunshot] [Jun Ishikawa's Gourmet Race playing] [Jun Ishikawa's Gourmet Race playing] [Gunshot] [Jun Ishikawa's Gourmet Race playing] [Jun Ishikawa's Gourmet Race playing] [Gunshot] [Jun Ishikawa's Gourmet Race playing] [Jun Ishikawa's Gourmet Race playing] E;R: Hold up, but if Maxine never manipulated time to save Chloe, then she would’ve never had to go back in time to stop herself from manipulating time to save Chloe, so how does that— Plot. [Smacks lips profusely] Just plot. Life is Tumblr tries to make us care about Chloe dying with an over-extended funeral scene where everybody who didn’t even know her shows up for some fucking reason. All the while, there’s his godawful hipster music playing over it. [Foals' Spanish Sahara playing] ♫ —in your head. ♫ ♫ I'm the fury in your bed. ♫ ♫ I'm the ghost in the back of your— ♫ What happened, Dontnod? [Nilin from Remember Me OST playing] The other ending, which the developers clearly didn’t anticipate anyone choosing, is a much shorter sequence where Maxine and Chloe drive through the wreckage of Arcadia Bay with more godawful hipster music. [Syd Matters' Obstacles playing] ♫ We played hide and seek in waterfalls. ♫ ♫ We were younger. ♫ The looks on their faces after they’ve killed everybody, though… MASTERCARD: Priceless. There's some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's CHLOE: Hella cash. E;R: And to think THIS… this was Dontnod’s first real success. THIS is what garnered them attention and acclaim. And so THIS is what they will make more of, not necessarily out of any desire to, but because of supply and demand. They will pump out more of this sewage, and then more and even more, and collectively it will metastasize like a series of tumors, embedding itself further and further into the decaying underbelly of the video game industry. Mimics will rise from its putrid residue, just as Life is Tumblr came spewing out of the odious slime trails of Telltale games. And these imitations will become ever more cheaper, [Distorted] ever more artificial, [Very distorted] ever more stagnant. [Terrifying sound] But nonetheless, they will compound into the puss-filled, rotting mass that has become narrative-driven gaming, and you will do nothing but lay back on your haunches, eyes glazed, [Pig squealing] and you will do nothing but lay back on your haunches, eyes glazed, and you will do nothing but lay back on your haunches, eyes glazed, imbibing what dripping excess you can from its floppy, sunken teat. Because you have made your stinking, festering, insect-ridden bed and you will lie obediently in it as the world around you goes dark… [Tape being rewound] [Normally] Hella/10. Game of the year. Choices totally mattered. Would steal from the handicapped fund again. KONOTA IZUMI FROM Lucky☆Star: Good job! PHIL FROM Groundhog Day: ...in three, two, one. [Car explodes] [Alarm clock flips to 6:00] [Song and Cher's I Got You, Babe playing] ♫ Then put your little hand in mine. ♫ ♫ There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb. ♫ Aw, nuts. ♫ There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb. ♫ ♫ There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb. ♫ E;R: Hella/10. Game of the year. Choices totally mattered. Would steal from the handicapped fund... Handi-CAPPED FUND.

Info

Channel: E;R

Views: 2,103,656

Rating: 4.6231141 out of 5

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Id: LFlMoAasW4A

Channel Id: undefined

Length: 26min 33sec (1593 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 25 2015