Louis C.K. "Camp of Retarded Kids" - 6/13/06

in [Music] we're back my next guest is creating an actor and now you can see him each Sunday night in the new HBO sitcom lucky Louie please welcome louis c.k [Applause] [Music] copy a premiere of your show the other night very funny thank you yeah yeah you gotta be psyched I am I'm very excited and lots going on you got a new baby I do have a new baby this is it's like a police interrogation where are you this is nice to have a baby around I don't I don't I'm not I don't know what I'm doing though yeah I know they don't teach you how to have kids they teach you how to birth them like you go did you go to birthing classes went to birthing class I just think it's weird that there's birthing classes cuz that's not you can't do that wrong yeah it's coming out like if you don't take the class oh I came out my I I should have taken a there's a kid that you could ruin they just kick you out of the hospital good luck idiot you know it's the shocking part to anyone who hasn't had a child there's there's you the baby shows up and there's this whole nine-month build-up to it and then the minute you have the baby they say get out of here yeah yeah and what's worse is my wife will like send me out with the baby like go out so I'm like you're never gonna see either of us again that's crazy because I'm an idiot I'm right most useless and I'm I forget stuff like one time I had her in the stroller and I take her to the car we're in the parking lot and it's hot so I go get the a/c going I come back and I realize this tailpipe is right in her face how could I tell my wife that that's how I killed our kid do you have a lot of friends who are married with kids do you have people that you can talk to so I don't I have to have a lot of people that I associate that have kids who I hate but I have I don't have friends that don't have kids anymore because I don't relate to them you know therefore they have a lot of time on their hands those people right and I don't like I get im's little text messages from a friend of mine it was no kids and like he wrote me he said I'm on a plane and we haven't taken off yet that's the I am that's it right right so I wrote back I hope your plane crashes and he gets upset and he calls me and he says take it back you have to take it back I'm like why I hope it actually crashes so why would I take back nieces well how are you gonna feel if the plane crashes now that you said that like are you kidding that would be amazing to know I happily trade your life for that power yeah no it doesn't work anymore with the people once you have kids yeah and also it's lopsided like the what you expect from children and what you expect from adults is totally different you expect a ridiculous amount of politeness from your poor kid that you never like I could be at a bar with my friend and he'll say hey you fat bald douchebag buy me a drink mm-hmm and I will buy him an expensive drink right that's just the way you talk to each other yeah but I'll be in the kitchen with my daughter and she says Papa I want water and I go and how do we ask for water she's like hey I'll die of thirst if you don't get it I can't reach the glasses you idiot get me the water it's not fair now do you think do you think you're a good parent no objective I'm awful because you don't turn into this great person when you were a parent you just become you turn you're a jerk who has a huge responsibility now and right I lie to my daughter like shockingly she's four and I've lied to her like you know what kind of lies yeah the other day I was eating these chocolates - somebody sent my wife these chocolates and I'm not allowed to ever have them but they're just getting moldy she won't eat them right so I'm eating them right so I'm in the pantry and I'm just you know I'm not even enjoying I'm just gonna screw her I could eat these you know like this totally self-defeating moment sure yeah but I'm eating the chocolates if my daughter catches me and she says what are you eating I said these are black tomatoes [Applause] so now she thinks there's a thing called black tomatoes right who I'm raising I lie to her constantly like every time we're walking down the street and she's telling me a story I'm lying that I'm listening to any of it first of all her stories suck they're not interesting there's not a linear progression you know I would listen yeah if she had any notion of like traveling of sound like we're walking on eighth Avenue and she's talking like this and I I would have to put my ear on her face to hear her right in the middle of traffic so I just go wow yeah Wow and I just keep saying that and she keeps her going right she's satisfied she has no problem see I can't do that with my wife cuz if I'm talking to my wife she says something when I go wow she's like wired that doesn't match what I said you're not listening what I do that drink celebrity interview sometimes Wow what kind of parents did you have because they they always say that that can have can be important my parents worked very hard they both worked and they didn't pay much attention to what they were doing I don't think cuz like they sent me to camp when I was in third grade this is a true story they sent me to camp they didn't think much about they can't they just pick to another phone book this is true they looked at my camp quickly in the phone book didn't look into it and just sent you there that's an absolute true story mm-hmm camp for kids sorry not lying I went to camp kids because my parents they were not they didn't yeah the situation I don't ever forget the moment I arrived there and I look around and I go oh my god I'm I figured that's how they tell you yes [Applause] [Applause] all right so that's the kind of yeah yeah if I can beat that I'm in good shape we have a clip here from lucky yes we do set this clip up help me with this this is my wife wants to have another kid and I think it's a horrible idea right it's directly from my life all right no money and my wife but I want another baby and I said no and then she had sex with me after a seven-year drought and so there we have now a daughter so but this is fiction okay and this is my wife and I arguing about whether or not we should have another child what stay with us good from lucky Louie Kim we can't afford another baby but we always said we'd have two kids we agreed when we had Lucy that we wouldn't make her be alone yeah but not now do you know how much we haven't checking right now negative fifty dollars we have to raise 50 bucks to be broke I'm not waiting Lucia's floor already I'm getting pregnant right now you ain't getting pregnant without my sperm it's not your sperm [Applause] lucky Louie airs Sunday nights at 10:30 on HBO and Louie's new DVD one-night-stand is available in stores now hilarious stuff thanks [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you [Applause]

Channel: Inflatable Conan

Views: 1,516,081

Keywords: Conan, O'Brien

Id: RJEXfHgXppI

Length: 8min 54sec (534 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 09 2014

Reddit Comments

[u/Cackfiend]

used to watch conan aaaalll the time back then. still miss it