33 Minutes of Dave Chappelle (Updated 2023)

I know I've been gone for a very long time and unbeknown to you it was a difficult 10 years I'm not going to take you through all the agony I've been through but it was tough some of it you might have seen I don't know if you ever saw on TMZ uh the big headline Dave Chappelle drunk on stage in Detroit well if you saw it I wasn't drunk uh I had smoked some Reaper with some rappers yeah I don't know if you know anything about hanging out with rappers but their weed is very strong stronger than what I was accustomed to the article goes on to say I was booed off stage which is also incorrect I was booed I did not leave it was a long bu it's a [ __ ] nightmare two Puffs of weed that's all it was two Puffs I never have that happen when I take two two pups of weed I looked at the guy next I was like I'm going to bomb [ __ ] I can feel it and that guy called my name Dre chel [ __ ] was like you know normally when you do a comedy show you guys don't know what it looks like up here but [ __ ] be looking up at you like that's how the show started didn't take long for the faces to switch up like what the [ __ ] I'm s looking amongst themselves so I knew I wasn't doing good I don't remember what I was saying it just took one person to break the ice it's a black lady with a Ford motor shirt on stood up Suddenly [ __ ] you Delle I said excuse me she said I worked all week for this [ __ ] and this show sucks and in a weird Act of racial Harmony a conservative white gu stood up and backed her up [Applause] yeah the whole crowd band together and started chanting we want our money back we want our money back I said oh [ __ ] I snapped out of it good people of Detroit hear me hear me now you will never get your [ __ ] money back [ __ ] that I said I'm like evil coneval I get paid for the attempt I didn't promis this [ __ ] would be good boo they said [ __ ] you this went on for a long time and then after the show I felt so bad I took half of the money from the show thousands of dollars I said I'm going to give this to charity you know what I did I bought $25,000 worth of bubble gum and drove around Detroit and handed it out to the homeless so they could chew it and still be hungry I was very mad at Detroit that night because not only did I bomb [ __ ] I had to go back to the very same room the next night and do it all over again [ __ ] nightmare that would be like if you were having sex with a woman and for some reason this would never happen but for some reason she had a mouse trap in her [ __ ] you get caught in the Trap and then you got [ __ ] her again tomorrow night I'd still do it but you know I'd be careful the next time you mouse trap in the [ __ ] trick hey fool me once but we've already been through it like Michael Jackson Remember When they said all that [ __ ] about Michael Jackson they never proved anything till his dying day but they said that he did some very heinous things and one time I watched a documentary about it they were talking about all this [ __ ] Michael Jackson allegedly did and as they was saying all these allegations he started showing pictures of his home the Neverland Ranch you ever seen Michael Jackson's house on television um well the short of it is there's a lot of things for kids to do with that place and I saw the whole thing exotic animals and Ferris wheels and Merry gounds and [ __ ] and the more they showed it the more certain I was that I I don't think Michael Jackson did any of those things they said he did his house didn't look sexual it looked like he was flossing on those [ __ ] didn't look like he's trying to [ __ ] kids it looked like he's just trying to impress him like this nigga's Jay-Z for kids he just walking through his house this is my cotton candy machine it makes three tons of cotton candy a day you have all the cutting candy you want this closet is filled with nothing but customade karate slippers Isn't that cool shall I have my monkey bring us more [Music] cupcakes hey guys just watch a movie what movie do you want to see Home Alone Oh No No don't touch the DVD player M call ckins here he can act it out come on act out home alone for my guest and them kids was like man you are all right mister this is fantastic man we had you all wrong huh all wrong what I don't understand what do you mean huh oh well you know man we thought it was going to be the usual that you're going to have us come over and give us some wine cooler and you know suck our dicks what suck your uh you [ __ ] ass kidsbody trying to suck your dick [ __ ] I was trying to show you a better life bubbles get these kids the [ __ ] out of my house you're just like everyone else Hollywood is no place for moral absolutism you know what I mean we must never forget that our Kelly P on a 15-year-old girl and he also wrote I believe I can fly same guy same lifetime if I showed you that video of him Peno on that girl and scored that I Believe I Can Fly it'd be torn I used to think that I could not go on you would know how to feel if I can see it [Music] it's okay my career ended many years [Applause] [Music] ago she was just like you need to stop doing that and then I try to change the subject how is school going boys and my sons tell me well we didn't have school today Tech I'm like well what's going on he said well there was like a school shooting drill I never heard of this you know what this is they have drills that they make kids do uh where they practice what to do if somebody comes shoot up their school i' never heard that before I was like what the [ __ ] then I had to tell my sons the truth I didn't want to tell him this [ __ ] son son listen to me [ __ ] that drill somebody comes to your school and wants to shoot it up I'm just going to be honest with you you probably going to get shot [ __ ] I'm just being ready you got a famous dad I talk a lot of [ __ ] they going to be gunning for you little buddy just stay low and running a zigzag pattern and don't try to save anybody son do you understand me if you're a parent this [ __ ] is terrify fine this [ __ ] is real scary all the parents is looking at each other crazy because we know as parents that one of us is raising the shooter just don't know which one of us it is all we know for sure is that if you're a white parent the Chan is that it's you exponentially higher than the rest of us [Applause] it's [ __ ] crazy you know I hated school too it never occurred to me kill everybody in school it's [ __ ] crazy do what I did [ __ ] try some things have you skipped school [ __ ] skipped school take a walk and meet some other kids [ __ ] School [ __ ] you know what I said that's all I said first of all I'll tell you right now what I said uh and I will tell you that this was not a joke it's a true story and I just happened to tell it all right what happened was I went to a gallery party all right I don't know who in here has ever been Rich before but these are very nice parties uh you know wine and cheese and ball of conversation and there was a few eccentric types one of which was a very wealthy man that happened to be wearing a dress I don't know what you call man this is a [ __ ] or drag queen perhaps whatever it was it's definitely a man and this man was definitely on drugs I don't know what kind of drugs he's on but I knew he had too much he didn't look good like this he's like he looks sick and all his friends was standing around him concerned trying to revive him I don't know what it looked like some kind of gay CPR those Fanning and [Applause] [ __ ] I saw all this from a distance now I should have minded my own business but I got curious I was like and I went over there all I said I said excuse me gentlemen gentlemen is he okay and then they looked at me like I was evil she is fine say word oh I'm sorry I didn't know this is what we were doing um here's my thing I would support anybody's right to be whoever they feel like they are are inside I'm your ally in that however my question is to what degree do I have to participate in your self-image is it fair that I have to change my whole pronoun game up for this [ __ ] that didn't make sense seriously if I put on an argal sweater and I'm like hey everybody I feel like a white guy in the sweater and I want some goddamn respect in the loan that's not going to work give a [ __ ] how I feel why should I give a [ __ ] how you feel [ __ ] a pronoun well there was no time for philosophical debate this was an emergency situation I said fine sorry guys I was just worried because cuz she looks terrible she just fell off the bench appears that her dick is popping out of her dress no matter if I call an ambulance [ __ ] I'd rather not be at a party where [ __ ] Odes there's too many questions to [Applause] answer said I'm in the wrong business I should be the president [ __ ] I'm in the wrong business see only reason I want to be president is cu I'm black that make it too hot for me I mean you know what I mean I think it could be a black president one day but you don't want to be the first one I mean second or third that's fine but that first [ __ ] better watch out I'm going to tell you that right now too hot I mean I'd be the first black president I don't think that nobody would really really hurt me I'm sure somebody want to hurt me but I don't think they touch me cuz uh cuz of my vice president will be Mexican for little Insurance you know what I'm saying you can shoot me if you want but you're just going to open the Border up so might as well leave me and vice president Santiago to our own devices ain't that right Santiago [Music] see Elon can stay don't worry don't worry I don't got no Alon Jo to world just drug infested hate infested drug infested World hate drugs I heard the worst drug story you know my friend told me you know what he's dealing with his landlord is hooked on crack that's that's terrible that's pressure your landlord's hooked on crack that means you've got to have the rent you come around all I got the rent it's not even due yet it's the 10th come on I need it let me just get $20 of it now and then uh just give me the rest of thing of the month every couple hours hey look I'm going to need some more of the rent building's falling apart things came up comes home early from a party landlord's in a crib going through his [ __ ] what are you doing to my house ah where's the sink I came to fix it it's in the kitchen I thought it was in the drawer I'll fix it tomorrow when I come for the rent you know I hate about drugs I hate when like people my age and older get hooked on crack I hate that [ __ ] you're too you're too old to be experimenting with the drugs at a certain point you shouldn't be past that you ain't doing it by a certain point you just miss it drugs are really for old people anyway you 75 you've earned the right [ __ ] I'm if I was 75 I'd do Coke heroin everything I wouldn't give a [ __ ] I be walking down the street they be like boy that old man is tripping [Applause] can't do everything maybe weed if you're going to do something do a little weed smoke weed weed's not as bad as everything else weed is a background substance I mean you can smoke some herb and still function and you ain't crisp but you'll function nothing higher than weed though I made that mistake one time I I was at a party some guy gave me some [ __ ] he's like here man take this [ __ ] mushrooms I took it I forgot all about it you know then a couple days later I found that [ __ ] in my pocket I'm thinking why not cuz I'm thinking it's like weed some background [ __ ] I planned my whole day out like it was weed I'll chew this [ __ ] up then I'll go to the barber shop get my haircut and then I'll see a movie I chewed it up so far so good then I was in a barber shop like an hour later and it's funny cuz I was just thinking to myself I was like ooo this stuff sucks tastes like athletes foot I feel sick but I'm not really high then I looked in the mirror I saw the Barber's reflection man it looked like it looked like a big penis was cutting my head I freaked out I I started talking to myself Dave calm down you're on drugs this is what drugs do can you know that there is no way that a penis can cut hair but I started freaking out man I just couldn't take it anymore I jumped out the chair half my hair was cut I didn't care I didn't I just gave a bob a handful of money it was weird the balls opened up anyway I I ran home man I ran home as fast as I could tripping tripping I looked at the clock it was 242 I was like damn 242 I got to sober up I had never been this high this early I took a shower I was still high said maybe music will do the trick I listened to every CD I had I was still high exercise that's what I'll do I ran around the block four times still high took a nap woke up [ __ ] up I looked at the clock it was 2:43 I said God Dam scared to death of these police I am niggaer I got a police scanner first first money I got this the first [ __ ] I went out bought me a police scanner I just listen to these [ __ ] before I go out just to make sure everything's cool you hear [ __ ] on it calling all cars calling all cars be on the lookout for a blackmail between 47 and 68 staying in the crib tonight [ __ ] that got to work on that alibi for a minute every black person needs an alibi I I do them impromp2 joints if I'm by myself and need out I'll just open up the windows in the apartment turn on the lights on stop beating off right the window look at me hey everybody look it's me D cais him jerking off Note the time [ __ ] it's 2:35 look at me I'm jerking off in the window 2:35 comedian dayel is June 10th note the time that [ __ ] could save my life officer David Chappelle couldn't have done that I saw him in his window masturbating from 230 5 to 237 I'm certain of it he was standing on a clock and holding a calendar and today's paper [ __ ] I need an alibi I can't be no celebrity this [ __ ] is just the worst I'm seeing it I can see why I see why stars are crazy now these [ __ ] I went to Disney World with my kids which is a big deal for me I don't get to see my kids so much I do Chappelle Show 20 hours a day sleep for like half an hour raise my kids for 10 20 minutes and I go back to work now it's like hey man hey you mind not calling me a [ __ ] in front of my kids time out [ __ ] we take a day off even mickeey Mouse did it I said this is the most unprofessional [ __ ] I have ever seen in my life R James [ __ ] oh I was fed up I caught that [ __ ] with the uppercut B knock his head clean off everybody was screaming oh my God oh my God Mickey Mouse is Mexican before I go I want to share this story with you because it's important to this point I want your community to know that one of the coolest people I ever met was transgender woman and this is not a man that I knew that became a woman this woman was trans when I met her lived in San Francisco Daphne dworman is a name I would do 18 shows in the Bay Area sometimes in Oakland and dirty Hood night club and she would be there a white trans woman laughing loud and hard at everything I said especially the trans jokes very puzzling because she was obviously trans and one night after one of the shows I met up and what it was turns out it was a dream to be a comedian and I was a hero it's very moving I could not dislike somebody that felt that way about me we became fast friends and when I made that special Sticks and Stones right as it was coming out I happened to be in San Francisco and I wanted to do a show but I needed an opening act and I remembered that trans woman I had met so I called her on the phone and and I called her myself I said hey dapan this is Dave Chappelle she couldn't believe it and then I go I'm in San Francisco and then she started saying a bunch of wild stuff I was like relax now I don't want any [ __ ] I was um I was calling because I'm doing a show and I I I need an opening act and I was wondering if you'd open the show and she was like [ __ ] yeah now I didn't know this at the time but but this woman had only done standup comedy eight times in her life this is little to no EXP experience and now she's about to open a show for what many call the [Applause] goat she's an amateur in stature but in practice she was very professional she showed up early which is something I appreciate cuz I like people to be on time she was dressed to the [ __ ] nines I mean I'm transphobic and even I was like you look nice went up on the stage with all the swag of a professional comedian grabbed that mic and walk right there in the middle and looked at the crowd like a gangster man you should have seen it work this [ __ ] bombed for 45 minutes straight and I am not exaggerating young man that show was terrible stunk stunk and then she brings me on and you know you know I was like a glass of water after a handful of salt the crowd was happy to see me I was killing it but here's what impressed me any other comedian I've ever seen if they had bombed as bad as she did would have snuck out of the back of the theater and went home and cried or something and she didn't do that not only did she not leave she found a seat right up in front you know when a new comedian watches an experienced comedian in comedy we call this taking class and this [ __ ] took my whole class she sat up there and was laughing as hard as she always laughs as if nothing bad had even happened to her and I saw her show something bad happened to her she was drunk so she starts talking to me while I'm on stage but the way a person would talk to a television when they were alone she's talking to me like that that didn't bother me cuz I knew her but the crowd didn't like that [ __ ] at all cuz she sucked and a guy in the back of the room stood up and dap's hair was dyed blonde at the time and the guy screamed out and his Energy felt wild as [ __ ] he said hey DNE and everybody kind of clamp that got tense we didn't know was a Heckler or active shooter and he said he said does the carpet match the drapes yeah it was [ __ ] up the whole crowd kind of groan cuz it was so like mean everybody Gran except for dapan she kind of laughed which was weird and she didn't even look all the way back she said sir I don't have carpets I have hardwood floors just like that just like that boy when she said that [ __ ] it blew the roof off the place cut through all the tension with that one joke she made up for 45 minutes of a stinker of a show and after that she could do no wrong and I kept on rocking she kept on talking to me and then the show became something cooler than a show just became like a conversation between a black man and a white trans woman and we started get into the bombing [ __ ] all them questions that you think about that you'd be afraid to ask I was just asking them and she was answering them and her answers were funny as [ __ ] the crowd was falling out of the chairs and and at the end of the show I go oh D I said well that was fun I go I go I love you to death but I have no [ __ ] idea what you're talking about the whole crowd laughed except for dapan now she looks at me like I'm not her friend anymore like I'm something bigger than me like I'm the whole world and the guy and she said I don't need you to understand me I said what she said I just need you to believe just like this she goes that I'm having a human experience and when she said it the whole crowd kind of gasped and I gave it a Fight Club look I said I believe you [ __ ] because she didn't say anything about pronouns she didn't say anything about me being in trouble she said just believe I'm a person and I'm going through it and know I believe you because it takes one to know [Applause] one then I told the crowd good night and they start going crazy and before the Applause gets to his Crescendo I saying don't forget my opening act dapne the crowd stood up and I looked at her and tears came out of her eyes she couldn't believe it was happening I couldn't believe it was happening cuz her show stunk it was a great night I remember the late great Paul Mooney was there a bunch of fly ass comedy [ __ ] was [Applause] there and we all went backstage and was just drinking and talking [ __ ] and laughing and daing he stole the room she had everyone cracking up spinning the yarn telling us all these crazy stories about [ __ ] she be into we all laughing real hard and as she's telling us and everyone's laughing I'm looking around I'm like oh my God she is funny I pulled her aside I said you hilarious I didn't know that when you were on stage I said you're doing some things wrong but I can help you I said anytime I'm in San Francisco why don't you open the show for me and I just try to give you some pointer see if you can't work this thing out and she said are you serious I like yeah and she grabbed me real tight hug me squeeze me and and I push her off violently cuz I'm transphobic I said boundaries [Applause] [ __ ] when Sticks and Stones came out a lot of people in the trans Community were furious with me and apparently they dragged me on Twitter I don't give a [ __ ] cuz Twitter's not a real [Applause] place and the hardest thing for a person to do is go against their tribe if they disagree with their triy but Dy did that for me she wrote a tweet that was very beautiful and what she said was it's almost exactly what she said she said punching down on someone requires you to think less of them and I know him and he doesn't he doesn't punch up he doesn't punch down he punches lines and he's a master at his craft that's what she [Applause] said beautiful tweet beautiful friend that took a lot of heart to defend me like that and when she did that the trans Community dragged that [ __ ] all over Twitter for days they was going in on her and she was holding her own cuz she's funny but six days after that wonderful night I described to you my friend Daphne killed herself oh yeah it's true story my heart was was broken yeah it wasn't the jokes I don't know if it was them dragging I don't know what's going on in her life but I bet dragging her didn't help I was very angry at them I was very angry at her I felt like Daphne lied to me she always say she identified as a woman and then one day she goes up to the roof of a building and jumps off and kills herself clearly only a man would do some gangster [ __ ] like that he me out as hard as it is to hear a joke like that I'm telling you right now daely would have loved that joke that's why she was my friend I was reading her obituary and I found out she was survived by a daughter uh and the moment I found that out and this is true Anon Cooper from CNN text me and all he said was very nice he said I'm sorry to hear about you your friend and I text him right back uh new phone who this he said it's Anderson Cooper I said oh I said Anderson I go look I need to find her family and he text me right back with all the phone numbers and all this information I say this to say if you ever want to know about anything gay call Anderson Cooper from CNN this [ __ ] is faster than Google what I did is I got in touch with her family and I started a trust fund for her daughter cuz I know that's all she ever really cared [Applause] about and I don't know what the trans community did for her but I don't care because I feel like she wasn't their tribe she was mine she was a comedian in her soul her daughter is very young but I hope to be alive when she turns 21 cuz I'm going to give her this money myself and by then by then I'll be ready to have the conversation that I'm not ready to have today but I'll tell that little girl young lady I knew your father and he was a wonderful woman oh

Channel: Comedy Is Here

Views: 1,737,593

Keywords: comedy is here, comedy special, bill burr, Comedy, Funny, standup, canada, comedian, joke, jokes, podcast, sketch, vancouver, dave chappelle, 604 Records, comedy podcast, sketch comedy, comedy here often, funny music, women in comedy, funny women, political comedy, stand up comedy, vancouver comedy, canadian comedy, musical comedy, canadian comedian, vancouver comedian, yumi nagashima, chad kroeger, stand up, yumi nagashima comedian

Id: oPQjB3EDcjw

Length: 32min 28sec (1948 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 30 2023