Limerence and the ‘love’ stories you tell yourself

limerence is a type of obsessive love a fantasy infatuation with someone a limited object and today we're going to talk about fantasies hi my name is marios and today we're talking about limerence fantasies and storytelling when you're in a state of limerence you might have seen a recent video that i did about limerence more generally and here i'm going to break down a bit more specifically various themes within limerence and hopefully some techniques that can help you work through or live through being in a state of limerence so just to get you up to speed if you haven't heard of limerence before limerence is a type of obsessive intrusive thought pattern an obsession with someone that you may have met or not met um they may be famous there may be someone you work with that you study with someone that's in your life often or not and generally what describes it is a idealization of that person a persona that you create of them and and a reducing of what makes them human in the sense of negativity in terms of flaws and instead really magnifying and honing in on all the things that you think are ideal about them and generally those things that you think are ideal about them are the things that you might feel you lack so they might be you feel more attractive more popular funnier more successful and those things you feel complement what you are lacking so the two of you make a hole so to speak but really it's a state of great desperation a lot of pain uh and a lot of uh ruminating going over the same thoughts and fantasies about this person even though there's really no likelihood or very little likelihood that this will ever develop into a real relationship okay so now you're up to speed we're going to go into what fantasizing and storytelling have to do with limerence actually i'd say this is a massive amount of what makes up limerence because fantasies are really what are replaying in your mind involuntarily they may come up at times where it's really inconvenient for you because you can't do your work or you can't study whatever it is that's relevant and important to your life these intrusive thoughts and these stories these fantasies keep coming to your mind and you actually really enjoy doing them that's that's the really addictive thing is that you love just engulfing yourself in these fantasies and elaborating on them and making up various storylines and we're going to look into the themes that generally these stories revolve around uh i'd be interested to hear if you have any different experiences please leave that down in the comments but here's the ones that i believe are quite common so one is the hero's fantasy so generally this will be you becoming stepping into the role of a hero especially in the context of the limerent object's life so this might be a scenario where you're able to stand up for them or you show some sort of virtue about yourself and suddenly in this fantasy they realize how amazing you are and that of course they want to be with you and they should have seen it all along that's that's kind of how it's playing out very almost movie based it's the kind of thing you'd see in a romantic film perhaps uh and this is very intoxicating because we then feel like there's this untapped potential within us and this person just needs to see it and even though we're not seeing many signs that they are interested or that they do want to be with us there's just just you just need this opportunity to open up and to reveal yourself for what you truly are and that's a very intoxicating idea because it feeds into an insecurity we all have is about feeling special and that we just really want an opportunity to show that and so that mixed with your obsessive infatuation with this person deliberate object it's really a dangerous mix because those two really feed on each other and it becomes incredibly difficult to escape that another storyline is obstacles so people situations events that come in between you and the limerent object these are objects of adversity things that are to be overcome i may be referencing films a lot because actually they do play to these very human uh themes that are kind of instinctive to all of us these stories these archetypes if you will about how love works or what kind of adventures you should go through to get to love objects are a really important part of any adventure story of any love story because if it was really easy for you to find each other and be together it wouldn't be a particularly interesting story so when you're in a state of limerence having these objects of these obstacles to overcome or actually maybe mix with the hero ideal because if you are seen to be overcoming these obstacles for them then you get both but really these obstacles are entities of their own so i'll give an example of what these could be this could be a mutual friend that you begin to see is getting more close with the limit object than you are and then you then find this to be a an invasion of some sort that you have to separate them or that they are not seeing this other person who they truly are they should be seeing you for who you truly are and that you are better than them of course it's very egocentric and and listen nothing about what i'm saying i hope it will come across as judgmental i'd like to be honest about what these things are and how they're arising in you and hopefully that'll be able to help you work through it and identify it so don't take it as a criticism but it's very good for you to start getting into the habit of calling things out as they are in a truthful way and a lot of that is about yourself be kind to yourself but also be really truthful with yourself as much as you can so these obstacles may be a person like with the friend example then of course you can imagine uh feelings of jealousy coming in then and perhaps even more negative feelings towards this friend who's who's now become really chummy with the limerent object another thing that might be an obstacle is distance perhaps they've moved to a different country perhaps a different city or you have they've changed jobs when you used to work together and that then becomes something that you need to overcome how are you going to continue to see them are they going to keep in touch even though you don't have a reason to talk because you're not at work with each other anymore these are all the types of obstacles you might bring up as this is part of our story this is something that we must overcome together to find true love but of course because this is all based on a persona of the of the person that you're infatuated with and not really them this is not really an obstacle this is something that the limerence is creating as part of the story that you are infatuated with you're infatuated with the idea of love you are not in love and so anything that might add to this narrative that you are on a journey of obtaining love will be very addictive to you so you should try and recognize them as much as possible another example is flaws so flaws in them potentially flaws in you again might be an iteration of the hero theme in that when you see there's something that you are trying to overcome or they are trying to overcome and somehow there's a link between the two of you in the context of that flaw so for example they are working through some sort of a family problem or you are having a problem with some substance abuse or something like that and if that kind of mixes in with the relationship you have with the limit object you might see that as a thing to center around your obsession so you're saying i will get better if he gives me enough attention or she gives me enough attention i just need that validation i need him to be closer to me or her to be closer to me or the other way around you'll say he needs me she needs me because they have that problem and i'm going to be that solution because i'm the hero but it's kind of the other side of the hero you're the hero providing the solution but you have to have a problem to solve so that is where the floor story comes from and one final storyline is the threat of separation so you have fantasies about well once i pull away once they see that i'm willing to get to push them away and they can see this is assuming they can see you so if it's a famous person rejecting them is probably not something they're going to notice so you probably won't create this story but if it's someone in your life you might say i'm going to show them that i mean it i mean that if they upset me i'm going to push them away usually you won't actually do it or you'll go back on it but you feel that this signal will shock them out of of the delusion that they're not uh already in love with you because that's what the limerence wants you to believe and then suddenly they'll they'll express their true feelings but actually what this is is a type of emotional manipulation because you're trying to get them to feel like a loss is going to happen and for them to feel a phenomenon called loss aversion where you know people tend to try and avoid losses so you're trying to maximize the likelihood that they're going to feel that that is a bad thing for their lives you might get very dramatic with that and then hope that they give you something that probably won't work you might go back to them you'll try again in some other way now these are very unhelpful behaviors of course for you and for them they are not genuine they don't open up channels for communication but they are very common in that they are driven by the need for acknowledgement limerence a lot about limerence is uh to do with needing approval in order to be happy and when they don't have when you don't have their approval or they don't give you the attention you expect you feel very upset you feel on edge and uh rejected and it's a very negative cycle to get into and the opposite is also true very intoxicating to get the attention so it can go both ways the fantasies could be i'm going to do something great in order for them to notice me or i'm going to do something bad in order for them to notice me but either way what you want is more of their attention you want to grab their attention and shake them into your fantasy almost now you may not be at the stage yet where you're acknowledging that that limerence is a state of fantasy or at least an infatuation with an idea an ideal even that's not uh really a foundation for a real relationship once you get to that point you might start to see that these intrusive thoughts these these daydreams that you have all day about this person have these running themes or some others but i think rather than just labeling them try and step back and think why am i trying to get attention in this way from them and usually this has to do with some self-esteem issues or some insecurities where you think that those methods will get you what you need most of the time attention love is is what you might feel like is what you're looking for but mostly it's attention and validation from the limerent object so once you notice the story is happening what can you do especially if you see them over and over again i would try and not indulge so much in the content of the story but understand the format why is it you're having this type of story what does it tell you about yourself does it mean that you need validation in a social setting is it that you want to appear a hero in public do you want to appear a hero in private and share an intimate moment with them what is it underneath this fantasy especially if it's repeated if it's not repeated and they're kind of just coming in random just notice how stories are pulling you away from the everyday reality of your life and they are inserting themselves into everyday moments where you have to be productive and happy and you know do things in your life that will improve your life and these stories do nothing but pull you away from your ideal self from your future self that you might want to be building towards and instead you're actually building towards an idealized romantic fantasy this is very unhealthy in the sense that it doesn't center you as the most important thing in your own life and the person that you should be focusing on primarily of course once you are able to find someone who truly loves you and vice versa they become a very important person in your life and of course you give them the attention but being in the state of limerence that is not what is happening because this is not the foundation for a real relationship thank you for joining i might do a few more videos on limerence if you have any ideas or questions on that put them in the comments below generally i'd like to talk about psychology behavioral science and stuff like that but i think it would be a good start for me to just start producing videos more often and any more feedback i get from you would really help me on that journey so thank you and i'll see you next time

Channel: Marios Georgiou

Views: 73,276

Keywords:

Id: QM5IbfZjCjw

Length: 12min 29sec (749 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 13 2022