Limerence while married? Is it possible?

so limerance and marriage can people who are married have a limerance for someone outside of the marriage and what does that mean hi I'm Maris I'm a counseling psychology doctoral student living in London and on this channel we talk about limerance love relationship psychology a little bit of Pop Culture so like And subscribe if you're into that so I have had clients who are married and are liberant towards someone else but I'd say it doesn't quite mean what you think it means and sometimes that's obvious to the people who are going through this sometimes it's not the first thing that people think about is oh am I cheating the question of cheating is much more about your rules in your marriage what does it mean to cheat have you decided what those are have you ever spoken about it or is that an unspoken rule so when you are limerent it doesn't necessarily mean that that leads to any actions that count as cheating so some people think that sleeping with someone is cheating but speaking to them or flirting is not whereas other people feel like having an emotional connection with another person is much worse than sleeping with them for example example so you need to think about what that means regardless of whether you call it limerance what are the actions that you've done and do they count towards this idea of cheating I only bring that up because that's something that people often ask but there are other things to think about here so are you inherently cheating by being limate whilst in a marriage I would argue not because the feelings that you have are very different to let's say genuine love affection interest infatuation it is mixed with those things a little bit but there's this sense that liance is not really about the person that you are having these feelings towards it's about an idea of them an image of them not really them now how you deal with having the experience of liance whilst in a marriage does really dictate if you are operating in a way that is acceptable within your own marriage which is something only you can understand I'd say separate your behavior would this behavior on its own coun as cheating or not and now now that I have limerance and I'm in a marriage what does this mean does it mean I should move on from this marriage no unless you already were going to do that and the limerance is just coincidental I think being liant is possibly the worst time to make a decision around your romances and especially a marriage so people have exited marriages whil liant fallen out of the limerance and discovered they're like oh my gosh I was in love with my wife or my husband the whole time I was just clouded by this limerance and made a huge mistake that is irreparable so you do have to really deeply consider what's going on first before you make any decision so if ever in doubt don't make a big decision when you are liant and you should certainly seek the support and guidance of a licensed therapist in your own country and you should certainly seek the guidance of a licensed therapist a counselor or psychologist who will be able to support you through this do not make any rash decisions by yourself remember that even though it feels like the beginning of a crush but it's just kind of volume turned up to 10 this is partly that but it's not quite that this is an obsession with a fantasy right it's much more about the fantasy and this fantasy can reveal things about your own needs you know the need to feel attractive the need to be um with someone who is attractive so you might be liant towards someone you find conventionally attractive in a way that you don't feel towards your partner or you might feel like I need to relive my youth in some way and actually those feelings of a crush you know that resonates with you when you're liant and so you might think oh I just want to reset my whole life that's not always the case or that's not always the right decision when you're liant the only thing you can see is this fantasy and it guides every thought really most of the time depending on how intense it is and that is a a very poor navigational system for you especially in the long term okay so there's a way of acknowledging that these feelings are similar to a relationship trajectory like you may be similar to how your relationship started with a person you married and you might say oh this is is how I felt in the beginning right but that does not mean it's the same experience and that does not mean it's it's just as worth acting on as that was if you're liant you're much more in it for the approval of this person the idea of being accepted by them and kind of there's this feeling of being escalated when with that person or approved by them like you become better in some way and I think that just really shows that that the shadow of that is you feel like you are lacking something and you want this idea of this person to fill that hole but actually the real work that needs to be done is looking at those insecurities those things that you feel are absent and saying you know what this one person is not going to meet that but it's interesting that this is all culminating in one hyperfocused session a period in my life where I'm looking at this one person what do they represent for me why is it them that I'm feeling liant towards why do I need their approval so badly what is it about them that makes them so uniquely special sure that I'm thinking about them day and night and all I'm worrying about really is if they're going to message me again and going through what's happened and what's not happened editing scenarios planning for future scenarios planning what I'm going to say and interpreting every minute thing to try and figure out if they are interested in me or not what is it about all these things that I'm trying to achieve is it the obvious thing of that person accepting me or are there other things here like we talked about earlier is it CU they are successful in a way I want to be successful are they interesting in a way that I want to be interesting are they compassionate in a way that I want to be compassionate are they funny in the way I want to be funny or something like that starting to think about them as an image are they more an image of something that I want for myself that I want to be or am I genuinely uniquely happy to meet this person and I want to start a solid foundation there or am I just being Carried Away by a fantasy when it's a fantasy the idea of them leaving is always going to be be painful even if you know that they're going to be happy afterwards only when you truly love someone will you say okay actually I just want you to be happy and the fact that I'm liant towards you does not mean that I'm going to be good for you with limerance it's much more about a way of being that's going to be acceptable to the liant object that they're going to approve of you they're going to like you they're going to give you what you need it's much more like an addiction than real love now it's difficult to disentangle because the feelings are very similar with love or early stages of relationships but liance is turned up to the fullest level all the time and there is no real settling into trust and hopefulness that this is going to go anywhere but it's much more about navigating the fantasies altering memories previous memories being really hung up about any interaction you have with them were they nice to me or were they not did they give me what I needed and only being elated or happy when they accept me so your life really is hooked on whether or not they are giving you what you need and it has that kind of childish needy element to it which can be very tiring it's a lot of thoughts emotions fantasizing that can take up an incredible amount of time so I understand why people are looking at it quite seriously and are saying is my marriage in Jeopardy here well I would say as much with any other feeling during your marriage it's your decision to say how am I going to deal with this problem am I going to keep it to myself or do I share it with my partner what will be the best thing for us as partners as a married couple and also when I bring it up who am I bringing it up for do I think it will actually strengthen us to go through this together and work through it together can my partner deal with this do I want to share this just for myself or do I think that they would genuinely want to know and share this with me so this is why I'd suggest seeing a therapist first because you don't want to make this decision until you actually understand your motivations a bit better that's all I'm going to say about that it is a very difficult position to be in so if that's you I'm sorry that you're going through this but remember it does not inherently mean that there's something wrong with your marriage it does not inherently mean that the person that you married is not right for you or not worth staying in a marriage with liy it's a very Niche very specific experience that has not got enough coverage and literature to support it so I know it can be a bit bewildering but it is worth taking your time even though it's so overwhelming getting the support you need and don't make any rash decisions until you get a handle on it first okay look after your s

Channel: Marios Georgiou

Views: 3,213

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Id: lgyHzZ1XYH4

Length: 8min 31sec (511 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 11 2024