Limerence Explained | How to stop obsessively thinking about someone

limerence is a term coined by dorothy tanov in her 1979 book love and limerence limerence is a very under explored topic and state that people can get into when they start to have obsessive thoughts about a person which can be romantic or non-romantic we'll talk about in this video what limerence is how you might spot whether or not you're in a limerence state and a couple of strategies as to how you might cope with being in a limerent state hi my name is maris i'm an honorary assistant psychologist at the private therapy clinic in harley street london please follow the channel if you are interested in these kinds of topics and follow my own social media links which will be in the description limerence also known as romantic infatuation is an obsessive kind of fixation on an object a person but actually more about the idea of that person which is why we call them a limerent object so the limit object is an idea or a template that you create in your mind about the person that you are having these feelings towards and these tend to exaggerate the good things about that person and massively minimize the human negative kind of flaws that they might have as everyone else does instead you see them very idyllically and you put them on a pedestal and you're actually really trying to bring into yourself those traits that you might believe you don't have so the good things about that person might be things that you believe you lack they may be more popular they may be more funny or whatever you find perhaps unconsciously you are lacking you will then begin to have these romantic feelings but towards them because they are that solution they would be able to fill that gap that you feel you might have how do you know if you are in a state of limerence rather than falling in love or having a crush with someone for the most part limerence is very selfish it's about bringing things in so you need attention you need them to give you things you need them to validate you whereas love is more about reciprocation and giving you are much more likely to be selfless and just want the best for them whereas in limerence you're much more interested in your fantasy being fulfilled in you getting what you want which is for them to give you attention and you'll find that your moods very much rely on the fact that they give you the type of attention that you want and if you don't get it you will actually start to feel very uncomfortable very on edge and you will continually seek more positive validating experiences from them which brings us on to an important point which is that for the most part when you're in a limerence state you don't need much genuine validation for the fact that that is going to turn into a relationship in fact you will start to analyze things that that person does or says towards you or towards others to interpret them as signs that they might be interested or that there is a potential that the two of you will be together and that is one way that you might be able to start tackling the idea or the obsession the obsessive thoughts themselves by saying to yourself right well if i explain the situation to a friend that i am feeling these intense feelings towards this person who may actually be someone you've never met before that's actually quite possible when it comes to limerence or someone you don't have much exposure to at all is it normal that i'm having these feelings is it normal that i'm going to these lengths in terms of the amount of time i'm spending thinking about them the types of thoughts that i'm having about them is there any reason is it actually going to happen am i doing anything that can genuinely be seen as an attempt to develop a relationship with them or am i just really intoxicated by the idea of being with them and i am am i more obsessed with the idea of love rather than actually working on authentic foundations for a loving relationship so let's return to this idea of the limerent object this is a useful concept to use when it comes when you come to realize that you might be in a state of limerence because you can start to distinguish the real person that you might be having these feelings directed towards but actually the feelings are about the fact that you have reduced their personality to all their positive traits and it's therefore you're actually not looking at them as a person so that's why you could start to think about your feelings being directed to the limerent object which is a projection of that person or a reflection of magnified version of them which kind of fits the mold that you need them to in order to reflect what you feel you're missing again going back to the fact that they might be as smarter or successful in your opinion and somehow that always refers back to you and you're like well i think that i'm missing that and you may not explicitly feel that way but you may feel that they complement you so perfectly and that they're just very good at the things you're not and therefore you'd be great together now of course some genuine relationships do work that way and you are complementary in those ways but there is not this sense of desperation like you need them to validate you in order for you to be happy in order for you to feel at rest and at peace and going back to the whole foundations thing do you actually have reasons to believe that this is going to develop into something or is it mostly in your mind are you mostly playing through scenarios and fantasies that are not paving the way towards a genuine relationship when you explain this to others do you have friends you could talk to and say i'm having these feelings i'm thinking about this person so much every day and i don't know if it makes sense i'm not sure if these thoughts are founded or if they are actually going to lead me to take action or if they do lead me to take action they might be quite inappropriate and not called for and therefore i might be sending some intense signals to someone who is not going to reciprocate and of course that's not going to work too well so try and use people that you trust who love you who who want the best for you as sounding boards to understand if this is actually going to work if it actually makes sense limerence can last for weeks months even years many people do report it lasting many years so what can you actually do if you are in a state of limerence you might even understand on a cognitive level so on an explicit logical level that this is not right that these feelings are not founded and you don't actually want them there and so what are you going to do with that kind of romantic infatuation well you can start to actually frame it in the context of addiction because that is what this is you might have been modeled some relationship dynamics via your childhood experiences through your parents early relationships even friendships that might have told you that a certain type of dynamic is the template for love or for loving relationships or what are supposed to be and if you were raised around or with people who were very conditional about when they would give you love and affection then you might begin to feel like that distance that is normally there is what it should feel like and therefore this living object being far away from you or you're not actually knowing them that well or these conditions not really suggesting that real relationship will happen don't matter because you already have learned that distance is something that comes with love and so you actually are seeking to lessen that gap as part of the process of feeling intimate with someone and of course that's unhealthy because it does not center you as someone who is valuable it suggests that people who treat you poorly are okay like their behavior is okay and that you should continue to seek validation from them and just doesn't give you a very strong sense of self really and does not show that you you respect yourself so working on all of that thinking of about all of that are you acting in a way that's congruent with someone who respects themselves respects the fact that you are worthy of being in a relationship with so if this person knows or could know that you have feeling towards them would they reciprocate would they be kind whether or not they're interested or not so going to this idea of addiction addicts have substances or behaviors that they compulsively go to in order to feel like a need has been met and limerence is not very different actually and when you start to frame it in that way you can begin to see that you are actually going to have compulsive thoughts feelings come through on a regular basis and you can begin to look at them from a distance in a way i am experiencing this rather than i am this so i'm having obsessive thoughts not i am obsessed with someone because that begins to create some separation with your sense of self and who you are versus the thoughts that you're having and the fact that you're going to take steps to try and mitigate these feelings and start to live a normal life because that's another big feature of being limerent is that someone who is limeren will begin to de-prioritize their own aspirations their goals their lives in favor of the limerent object and of course that is massively unhealthy if that's going on over years you may even have a family of your own you may be in a relationship and you're having these feelings and you understand that this is not healthy now hopefully you'll understand that it might come from some childhood experiences or models in relationships that have set an unhealthy precedent for you and so now you have to say right despite the fact i'm having these feelings and thoughts i'm gonna find ways to ride the wave riding the wave comes from the realm of beating addictions or living with addictions so that they can subside and you can start to intervene in more healthy ways so what this means is when you have a craving it tends to follow a wave-like pattern so it goes up it reaches a peak and then it goes back down you might feel it with cravings for sugar which is quite a common thing if you're trying to abstain from sugar you'll feel that craving coming up and you're like oh i really want it really fancy it right now and then if you're able to through your willpower or other mechanisms you put in place to make sure you don't do that ride it it will eventually go away cravings for sugar do not last all day long for the most part so it's similar with these thoughts and feelings if you feel like they're getting stronger just become aware that that is the case they are coming to their peak their max become aware of that and then just be aware that i'm here to ride out and continue until it goes back down eventually limerence will run its course you don't have to live with it forever so as with addicts as well you want to replace the negative behaviors that you're engaging in fantasizing endlessly obsessive thoughts things like filling your mind with this limited object with more healthy behaviors so a few things you might do is one you might designate times of the day where you are allowed to think about them and that way when it does happen when you're at school at work or doing something else you can say i have time to do this i set half an hour i'm gonna do it as soon as i get home what this does is allow you space to feel it to think it to indulging it a little bit in a controlled way whilst moving it to a more productive time of your day and so that means your brain isn't panicking about not being able to uh express or acknowledge these feelings and thoughts but it's just saying not now we'll do it but not now so that's one number two is to start really focusing on relationships that are meaningful have lasted a long time if you have loving family members and friends is to really begin to appreciate and become appreciative of the fact that they really see you for who you are and they know you for your flaws and vice versa that is how a normal relationship works it's unconditional love it is positive regard and you begin to see that person at a level of detail where you understand that they are flawed but you love them anyway with the liberal object you don't see them as a complete human you see them as a an exaggeration of who you think they are and as we talked about that is more of a reflection of you than a reflection of them as with addictions you also need to cut out any triggers if you think about them in certain circles if you can stay away from those social circles places um anything really that will trigger you if that's not possible and of course a lot of the time it is not possible you will want to begin to create new associations with that space make sure that it becomes important to you in more ways than that person if you have to continue being there because you can't ask them to leave a company if you work with them or and it wouldn't be reasonable for you to quit your job because you're having these feelings so start to think about how you're gonna fill this space both mentally and physically with other things once you start to push away or at least side uh these obsessive thoughts and feelings i'm gonna have the thoughts later i'm going to um see my friends um my family and people that care about me and i'll think about that person later i'm going to go to work and do my work and if i see that person i will you know make sure to talk to them only if it's appropriate and it makes sense uh not because i have this compulsion and so the final thing that i think you should be aware of is the fact that you shouldn't judge yourself for being in this state it is something that has come about from having unhealthy patterns be taught to you by others and the important thing is that you're acknowledging it and trying to take steps to improve your situation and try and not harm yourself any further or harm others as with most psychological uh diagnoses or issues it's mostly about quality of life it's mostly about whether or not you can conduct yourself normally and do things that you actually want to do with your life because if it was just a crush it would just be like oh i have these feelings every so often but i can still go to work i can still concentrate at work or school i can still have a conversation with someone without daydreaming about this other person and this happening over a prolonged period of time and again lacking that foundation of it ever being a real relationship um lacking really any feelings of it being reciprocal and really just needing their attention so begin to see it as a prompt for you to start working on yourself in a meaningful way and an opportunity for you to grow because that's exactly what this is people who have had limits before are likely to experience again or at least they have the predisposition to feel it again and that possibly just means that you haven't worked on it you may want to see a therapist you may want to just confide in the people who are close to you and start to work through these issues and start to figure out why this might be happening and how you might begin to start to focus on real loving relationships that you have in your life it's also always helpful to think of yourself as someone you want to help and that you have the best interests for so if this was a sibling of yours brother or sister who was going through these feelings how would you help them how would you listen to them would you judge them for being in a state of limerence or would you just say well how are we going to work through this how can we help you continue to have a normal life you can think of it as your best friend or whatever makes sense for you that is the attitude you should have for yourself hopefully you have that support system around you too to help you work through that but if you really feel like you're kind of in this alone and you mostly want to work through it yourself or have to work through it yourself remember to look at yourself in that way how would you do it for someone that you genuinely care about and love non-judgmental solution focused accepting the state as it is but also looking at what the next step towards progress is and what is actually the ideal that you're aiming for and acknowledging that you deserve that ideal you deserve to actually have loving feelings towards someone who will reciprocate and give you a loving relationship and not one that is based on um deep held insecurities or foundations of relationships that were laid a long time ago always remember that there's help out there there's a fair amount of literature out there by communities of people who feel limerence so you can look online for that but also seeing a professional is always a good idea to consider at very least um so if you are looking you could always look at the private therapy clinic on our website which will be linked below and otherwise i hope you are well and look after yourself

Channel: Dr. Becky Spelman

Views: 350,979

Keywords: dr becky spelman, private therapy clinic, Limerence, what is limerence, how to stop obsessively thinking about someone, attachment and relationships, love addiction, what does limerence look like, stages of limerence, obsessive love, limerence or love, symptoms of limerence, what does limerence feel like, limerence and phases of attraction, how to deal with limerence, how to deal with unrequited love, relationship psychology, how to get over someone, overcoming relationships

Id: ogQ1RAHyvVg

Length: 15min 51sec (951 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 17 2022