Difference Between Love & Limerence

so you've heard of this word called limerence it sounds like some kind of disease doesn't it and maybe somebody's been telling you you're not in love what you're feeling is limericks and you're going what's the difference hey I'll explain it to you in just a moment not only will I explain the difference in these things but I'll show you how that limerence this amazing sensation that some people feel that is a kind of love won't turn out like you expect it to if indeed you have it hmm hi I'm dr. Joe beam we talk a lot about relationships and if you'd like to hear more about what we say about relationships right down there you see that subscribe button subscribe be part of our Channel and see the various things we talk about when it comes to relationships and love all kinds of things we'd love to have you be part of us so just subscribe down there but first let's talk about limerence now you understand that in the social sciences I mean you know when I learned my PhD degree we studied a lot about all kinds of things concerning relationships and love and in the social sciences we identified various kinds of love I'm not gonna explain all of these but just to mention a few there's a thing called empty love believe it or not there's a thing called passionate love there's a thing called fatuous love there's something called companionate love that's enough I'm already getting boring am I not among all of these things there's a kind of love that's called oil Marantz now the word was coined back in the 1970s by dr. Dorothy tin ah've she needed a phrase to explain this sensation of feeling madly in love now the only kind of love we never try to describe is true love you say why because we can't identify they said why I mean people feel it all the time why can't you identify it it's because of the fact that is so unique to the individual and in other words true love is whatever you feel at any given moment that you like which has too many different kinds of definitions too many kinds of factors so we can't identify clearly we can just say whatever you think is true love well for you at least for the time being is true love but you probably have experienced something you felt was true that later you decided wasn't true love at all now let's get back to this thing called limerence you say it's identifiable it definitely is it's kind of an intense sort of love I'm not saying it's not love it is a kind of love it's different than some of the other kinds of love in several factors one thing about this intense kind of love is that as an intense longing for reciprocal law from the other person in other words I have this intense emotion to possess you I want to be with you the rest of my life I feel that I will only be fulfilled if you're in my life loving me just as much as I love you and I crave it to the point that whenever I sense that you're not loving me as much as I love you I actually get into this emotional roller coaster kind of thing and so I start watching you carefully and when you indicate or show any kind of sign of loving me deeply I'm in heaven I feel ecstasy it's like nobody's ever felt anything as wonderful as this but I become hyper-vigilant and watching you because I'm so deeply longing you're loving me that I'm also noticing any sign that indicates that you may not so even if you're frowning about something else I may think oh my goodness what's the matter why don't you want to connect with me right now if you're upset even about something else I begin to think somehow am I'm pushing you away or somehow you're losing love for me which leads to this tremendous intense kind of jealousy because I want you to be mine and mine alone and I live in this fear that for some reason somehow someway we're not gonna wind up together and this intense fear becomes the focus of what this is all about so that I go on that emotional roller coaster from ecstasy in joy to misery it could even have physical manifestations where I feel sick when I feel like you're rejecting me I may feel faint and my heart may palpitate I may start sweating like crazy and during this process because I've so crave being with you I go to this thing it's called a halo effect which means I don't see any flaw in you so ever everything about you is amazing and if somebody points out a flaw about you I tell them they don't understand if I have to see it that it does exist I minimize it yeah well yeah but that's a little thing it's not a big thing and then I will start changing whatever I need to change to make you happy I'll change the way I dress I'll things well do my hair I'll change my habits I'm not even changed my religion I'm not even changed my occupation I may even change my location I'll move from here to here because I think somehow that'll make you happier with me oh and another factor of all this because of this intense longing for us to be together forever I think about you all the time as a matter of fact up to 85 percent of my waking hours and sometimes it's remembering good things we've done together just playing them over and over in my mind again and if there's anything in my life was associated with you like you gave me a little teddy bear or something it becomes this amazing object in my life because it's associated with you and then I spend the rest of my time thinking not just about the things we've done together but they draining about what I want it to be and that's why I have these fantasies about us living together the things we'll do together the things we'll enjoy and like I said it becomes pervasive now all of these kinds of things identify this thing we call limerence you might be thinking isn't that just a part of romantic love doesn't everybody go through that actually no now there are more characteristics limits I just gave you the tip there there's a lot more involved in that but just enough to give you an idea where you can go well I have experienced that I have felt that so is limerence a good kind of love or a bad kind of love well if you're two single people and you have a right to each other it can be good if you're both good for each other so for example if you're single people and you have a right to each other but one person's really gonna be bad for the other and other people are even trying to tell you that like don't be with him I mean can't you see how much he's gonna affect your life and negative ways or don't be with her don't you understand how she's dragging you you won't believe anything they say and in that sense limits is bad because he kind of blinds you to what's really going on in this relationship if you think about that song that Percy Sledge wrote many years ago actually he gave the credit to one of his band members but Percy wrote it when a man loves a woman remember what he says if she's bad he can't see it he'll turn his back on his best friend and he puts her down he goes home to say she can bring him such misery that has to do with that emotional roller coaster by the way so when you had that and the other person's not good for you you won't see it it's going to cause you problems but while in limericks you can't another time that limerence is bad is if either of you is already in a committed relationship with someone else so for example if you're married to this one and you want up in limerence with that one then limerence is bad because this is going to pull you out of that committed relationship and to this other relationship you'll give up this person to be with that person as a matter of fact in intense levels of limerence sometimes you'll even vilify the person that you're leaving what I mean by that is you'll make Hilary into a villain you'll find whatever bad aspects of them exist and nobody's perfect so there's always something bad about anybody and you'll just magnify that and it's like wow I should have never been that with this person to begin with I've never loved him or her that's called rewriting history you do all kinds of things here so you can justify in your mind leaving this person for this new one that you now have this intense kind of love for called limerence the problem is not always is true but you believe it to be true it's not that you're fabricating and your mind actually believes it so that you don't feel quite as guilty when you leave so limits between two people that are single have a right to each other and neither one's bad for the other fine it's wonderful good for you limerence if that other person is bad for you you won't see it limerence if you're in a committed relationship or if he or she is in a committed relationship will lead you to abandon that relationship into this one and you might be thinking so it's the big deal people get divorced in America all the time people in relationships all the time why don't you just go with the one that'll make you happy because limerence always ends always now there's been some fascinating research about it in the social sciences Helen Fisher for example and her colleagues she's an anthropological biologist I think it is and so she studies from various ways and she points out that it has to end it's a biological necessity because this limerence is so intense so overpowering for example the daydreaming the thinking all those kinds of things that the intense jealousy the physical manifestations that occur like the palpitations are referred to earlier all these are the kind of things just destroy productivity you actually get to the point where you don't function very well in life I mean you really don't and if people went into that state and stayed in that state then the human race would have died out eons ago because productivity would drop so much we wouldn't grow the crops we wouldn't grow the animals we wouldn't be eating we wouldn't be building houses and all those other things that we need and so it's a biological necessity that it ends and if you look at the research it'll last somewhere between three months and probably 48 months sometimes it on rare occasions that might last a little longer but those are extremely rare situations and they're not going to last a lifetime that feeling of limits does not last for years and years and years it has a beginning and an end it is not going to always occur and so that's the bad thing is that sometimes people want up making decisions thinking I'm gonna feel this amazing sensation for the rest of my life and then they discover that they don't and when it finally goes away then you start counting the cost like what do you mean what did it cost me well for the D cost in terms of current relationships now if you're married and you left your spouse for this person then it costs you that and after a while you begin to go do away with that vilification of how evil the other person was you'll start remembering you know here he was not nearly as bad as I thought when I was in the middle of all that intense emotional state call Emirates and and you'll begin to think well what's it cost me in terms of relationship to my spouse if you have kids and I actually did this a few years ago in a state of limerence I divorced my wife left my children to be with the woman I was in limerence with it didn't work out as a matter of fact it very seldom works out it's extremely rare those people even get married to each other if you leave a marriage for a person that you're in limits in because of that fact that it has a time span it has a shelf life it's going to come to an end even though you think right now it's not going to mine is going to last forever you can't convince me I'm not gonna feel like this for the rest of my life well if that's what you think I probably can't convince you of that but I'm still right and it will end no I don't mean to be arrogant about that I really don't and I hope I didn't offend you by making that statement it's just that in my work not just in my own life experiences but in might work we have dealt with thousands and thousands of people that have been in that situation and not one of them had that limerence last for years and years and years and years it always ends now you might be thinking I'll be the one exception I don't believe that you can be I don't think it's biologically psychologically possible for you to be and when it does and you're not just gonna count the cost of what it cost me in certain relationships for example to a husband or wife but to your children now my wife and I eventually remarried but even to this day many years later I still see the effects and the lives of my children of what happened in those three years I was divorced from my wife and therefore divorced from my kids when I was in that limerence State even though he put it back together later there was still better effect and so you're gonna count the cost I would hope in terms of if I make this decision to go with this emotion I'm feeling right now you're making a decision based on what you feel thinking you're gonna feel this for the rest of your life and you won't and when it finally goes away and you start looking around at what did it cost me in terms of relationships it's a pretty big price to pay Oh even what does it cost me in terms of my own self-respect the things that I believed the things that I valued the things that I stood for before that I actually left I bend industrial of for when finally that limit love phase when it finally goes away and you look back and go how could I have hurt all the people that I heard because that's not who I was so here's the question I suggest you ask yourself obviously you make your own decisions for your life you do but ask yourself this question what will life be like if your limit lover goes away you see I never expected my Limerick lover to leave me never but she did and in the thousands and thousands and thousands of couples that we work with we have seen it happen again and again and again as a matter of fact in the comments section below if you've had that experience give us your comments as a matter of fact wherever you are in that state if you're in the middle of limb race and you're saying Joe I think you're full of baloney you don't understand let me explain to you why this is gonna work sure write it in the comments below we'll look at it or if you've been through it and you can validate for others that what dr. beam is saying here actually happens then write that in your comments below as well let people learn because every day we work with people who are leaving marriages for example because of this amazing limit love they have for another person the kind of love that lasts for a lifetime is not glamorous we call it normative love but that's another video for another occasion please don't be making lifelong decisions based on what you feel right now now if you're thinking well I'm not sure I have limericks contact us go to marriage help Burt calm this marriage help er calm or call us at the number that you see right there on your screen talk to us we'll help you think these things through we won't make your decisions for you that's for you to decide but we'll help you evaluate this and and then help you to look at things in a way where you make your own decision but hopefully the decision that's best for you not just today but tomorrow and a hundred tomorrow's after that always your choice but wouldn't you rather make your choice using some of your logic and not all together on a motion keep joining us more videos we'll talk more about relationships [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Marriage Helper

Views: 433,827

Keywords: limerence, difference between limerence and love, what is limerence, joe beam limerence, lust versus love, marriage helper, limerent object, limerence psychology, limerence affair

Id: -e-gKUh1Upo

Length: 16min 43sec (1003 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 05 2018