MUSIC WINFREY: We all have toxic people in our lives. Ms. CHRISTINE WATSON: My mother is a spiritual vampire. She constantly nags me. Whatever I do is never enough. I absolutely love my mom. I would just like for us to have a better relationship. TRACEY: I have this friend that after I get off the phone with her, I feel nauseous. I have a lump in my throat and I feel a little pathetic. WINFREY: The words to say to stand up to toxic friends and family. TRACEY: I need to tell you the truth. WINFREY: I applaud you for being able to do that. Wow, I think that is so hard. TRACEY: Thank you. WINFREY: You can confront conflict with grace and love. TRACEY: I just think that I have so much more room in my life now for healthy relationships. WINFREY: We're going to show you how with a step-by-step plan, coming up. MUSIC APPLAUSE Great. Today--today $100,000 is going to a woman who's creating miracles after being inspired by a 2 1/2-pound baby struggling to survive. The money for this week's Use Your Life Award comes from legendary actor Paul Newman of Newman's Own, who does such great things. Every product you buy--you know, you buy the pretzels, you buy the tomato sauce--it goes to charity. So you are contributing to our Angel Network when you contribute to that. And the $100,000 award that we give out every Monday is a part of Newman's Own. Listen to this story: Donna Carson was heartbroken when she realized thousands of insan--infants are warehoused in hospitals--can we all sit down? Thank you. You were making me nervous--warehoused in hospitals for up to two years after being left by drug-addicted mothers. Aside from feeding and diaper changing, these fragile babies have little interaction with others, so take a look at how Donna Carson is helping abandoned babies thrive in a loving home while saving millions in medical costs. Ms. DONNA CARSON: For the last 23 years, I've worked as a social worker in the intensive care nursery at Grady Hospital, and after about 10 years working in the nursery, we realized that drugs and addiction was starting to have a great effect on the kinds of babies we were seeing and the kinds of families we were working with. Some of the kids have had to go through the effects of being exposed to drugs. A lot of other kinds of problems at birth that take many, many weeks and months to overcome. There was one little child that really, I think, affected so many of us that worked together in the nursery. He was totally an abandoned baby, and it took 10 months for this child to get through his medical problems. When he was finally ready to leave the hospital, he had to sit for eight months waiting on a place to go, and that's known as border babies, babies that medically don't need to be in the hospital, but there's just nowhere for them to go. People are totally unaware that this problem even exists. He eventually died after he left the hospital. I think it broke all of our hearts and made everybody angry and enraged, and I vowed that one day, I was going to have a house, and we were going to set up a home for children and have a place that kids could be so that they didn't have to live like he had had to live. My House is a home for children ages zero to four who had a lot of medical problems and didn't start out very well in life, and we love them and we provide all of their care 24 hours a day until they have a permanent place to go. Unidentified Woman #1: That's it. Ms. CARSON: We've just seen miracles, and kids overcome things that they shouldn't have, because they get unconditional love all day long. One little child that came to us had basically quit eating in the hospital because he was so depressed. From the day the child came here, he has never had to be tube fed. Another child who had severe withdrawal is now starting to smile and interact with the world for the first time. I can't account for it medically, but I know that love goes a long way and I know that that's the one thing we constantly provide for these kids, is just love and love and more love, and they respond, every one of them. When I started My House, I really had no money to start with, so I had to rely on volunteers a great deal to provide for the care of the babies, to help supplement the very limited staff that we had, and many of them have fallen in love with the--with some of the babies and have actually gone on and become adoptive parents. Unidentified Woman #2: I was on my shift volunteering and holding her in my arms and I was just like watching her eyes like slowly close, and I saw my own eyes, and it's like something hit me in my chest. And I knew that she was my daughter. So it was like one moment, I was a volunteer, you know, and in that very next moment, I was a mom. The very next day, I started adoption procedures. And it was so fitting that it was Mother's Day weekend that she came home. Unidentified Woman #3: I made the decision to adopt after having seen hundreds of abused and neglected children in my court. When you contrast having a child in that condition, as opposed to a child who's being cared for in a facility like My House, what they offer is just invaluable. It is what children deserve. Wesley was a--a full-term baby, but she was born drug exposed and, as a result, had some medical problems related to her heart, as well as to her breathing. And, in fact, the week after she got to My House, she stopped breathing, and fortunately, there was staff there as well as volunteers who were able to resuscitate her. I absolutely believe that My House gave my daughter a future she would not have had, and I'm grateful for that. Ms. CARSON: I feel for the first time in 23 years as a social worker, I'm actually changing lives. WINFREY: I know all the time on this show people look at themselves and they say, `What can I do?' Anybody can hold a baby. Please welcome this week's Use Your Life Award recipient, Donna Carson, founder of My House. APPLAUSE Ms. CARSON: Thank you. WINFREY: You are a miracle. Oh. Step over here a little bit. Ms. CARSON: OK. WINFREY: I just love this. I know we do this every Monday, and every Monday, I'm just amazed at what people do. Aren't you? Yeah. I'm just amazed. Let's all just cry for a minute. Just amazed. We honor you for using your life. I was just saying, you know, people say, `What can I do, what can I do?' Then you look at those people rocking the babies. Everybody can hold a child. Ms. CARSON: Yeah. WINFREY: And the fact that you have taken the children that nobody else wanted to love and love them into being, that's just--God bless you. Ms. CARSON: Thank you. Thank you. WINFREY: OK. Stop. Really. Every Monday, this happens to me. OK. One Monday, it's tools; then it's babies. OK. We heard that you struggle week to week just to keep My House stocked with diapers and baby food. Can you imagine? So the folks at Huggies--God bless them, too--are sending you two years' worth of diapers. Ms. CARSON: Oh. WINFREY: Yes. OK. And then the angels at Gerber are giving you all the baby food you need for the next two years. Ms. CARSON: Oh, thank you. WINFREY: That is wonderful. That is just a good thing! It's just a good thing you do. Ms. CARSON: Thank you. WINFREY: And so how long have you had your baby? Unidentified Woman #3: Since May. WINFREY: Since May. Unidentified Woman #3: Yes. WINFREY: Yeah. Unidentified Woman #3: This is Wesley. WINFREY: This is Wesley. Did you--did you feel like the other mom that something just hit your heart? Unidentified Woman #3: Oh, absolutely. When I went in the house, she immediately grabbed my leg, took the hem out of my skirt and... Ms. CARSON: That was in the first five minutes. Unidentified Woman #3: Yeah. WINFREY: Really? Unidentified Woman #3: She was my baby. WINFREY: That was your baby taking the hem out of your skirt. You want to find more about our $100,000 Use Your Life Award, if you want to nominate an angel yourself, go to oprah.com, and I want to thank Paul Newman so much, again, for sponsoring today's awards. When--where--when we buy that spaghetti sauce, we're going to think about you. Ms. CARSON: Amen. WINFREY: Amen. Ms. CARSON: And the popcorn. WINFREY: Congratulations, Donna Carson. We'll be right back. Ms. CARSON: Thank you. WINFREY: Thank you so much. Ms. CARSON: Thank you so much. WINfREY: Thank you so much. Really. Coming up, do you tolerate toxic relationships with friends and family to avoid conflict? Next, this mom confronts a friend she calls a bloodsucker. And this woman finds out how to handle the mother she describes as a spiritual vampire. How to deal with conflict and confront people with grace and love, when our lifestyle makeover series continues. MUSIC MUSIC WINFREY: OK. I just wanted to acknowledge--because I didn't know that all the huggers, or at least some of the huggers--flew up from Atlanta from My House in Atlanta. Huggers, please stand--all the huggers. Thank you so much. What a great job. Volunteer ho--huggers for My House, which is based in Atlanta. So if you are afraid of confronting somebody in your life who is critical, judgmental, somebody who--who just can't be happy for your success, it is a sign that you are not living with integrity. Remember last week, we were talking about how to live a life of more integrity. Today, women start to restore their spiritual backbones by standing up to toxic friends and family members. Hard to do. Right? Yeah. Even the men are shaking their heads. That's hard. Cheryl Richardson, who heads up our lifestyle makeover team of experts is back with us. Her new book is "Life Makeovers." On our last program, Cheryl showed us the three steps to start living your life with integrity. First, she said you need to identify where you are not being truthful in your life, and that happens in little ways and big ways, right? Ms. CHERYL RICHARDSON: That's right. That's right. I'm sure there's a lot of people after the last show who are now identifying where they're not being truthful. You know, you'll hear you say so--hear yourself say someone--something to someone and think, `Why'd I just say that? That wasn't the truth.' Or you'll make up an excuse for--about something, so you got to figure out where you're not telling the truth first. WINFREY: All right. And get clean--clean with that. Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. That's right. WINFREY: OK. Next is creating an absolute integrity list of three promises. Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. Once you start identifying where you're not being truthful, then the next step is to make some promises to yourself so you'll start to restore your integrity. If you make excuses, then make a promise that I will no longer make excuses. I will say what it is I need to say. Or if I'm saying yes when I mean no, I'm going to make a promise to start saying no when I mean no. WINFREY: OK--which is hard to do. Easy to say... Ms. RICHARDSON: Very hard to do. WINFREY: ...hard to do. Ms. RICHARDSON: Yes. WINFREY: OK. Well, here, we've been following some people who have actually done it. Here are updates on Marie and Tracey, who are a part of our lifestyle makeovers and the promises they have made to begin to restore their own integrity. Look. WINFREY: We've been following Marie, the mother of four, who had no energy and had not exercised in 25 years. Now Marie walks three miles every day, has more energy than she's ever had, but she says she still tells herself little white lies about what she's eating. MARIE: To restore my integrity, I promise not to pretend that what I put in my mouth doesn't matter or count when I know that it does. I promise to treat my body with respect. I promise to keep my body moving to help build my self-esteem. WINFREY: Many of you have been following Tracey, whose chaotic life left her feeling empty. She's now starting to eliminate what is draining her energy. TRACEY: I still struggle to be honest in all areas of my life, so here's how I'm going to start restoring integrity. I promise not to be a hypocrite, so my words, my thoughts, and my spirit are in harmony. I promise to be honest in my interactions with others, no matter how difficult it may be. I promise not to be swayed by guilt or pressure to change my mind. WINFREY: The third step to restoring your integrity is to create a personal vision statement--whoo!--so important. That gives you clarity about your beliefs and who you want to be. Take a look at how Kelly, who we've also been following, did just that. WINFREY: Kelly is a single mom who was living a financial lie. She was out of integrity and out of money. KELLY: I'll feel like I'm being the worst person when I realize that I'm out spending my money on the wrong things. WINFREY: Kelly has stopped lying and started taking responsibility for her own debt. KELLY: Here is my vision of the woman I want to be. I am a woman that will be financially responsible and make honesty a part of everything I do. I am a mother my daughter can count on and a friend who will listen without judgment or gossiping. I am a secure woman that will not fault myself for mistakes but take them as lessons. WINFREY: Well, Cheryl says if you are not living with integrity, then your life may be full of people who are draining your energy. Many of you wrote to us about toxic friends or family members in your life. Take a look. Unidentified Woman #4: Dear Oprah, I have a friend who constantly blames me for her problems. She's very intimidating. Why is it my fault that she doesn't have a good job or that her life is in chaos? I want to be supportive, but after a conversation with her, I feel like I've just gone 10 rounds with a heavyweight champ. Unidentified Woman #5: Sometimes I think my friend just likes to hear the sound of her own voice. She's constantly complaining about what's not working in her life, and every day brings a new crisis. It's like she's sucking the energy right out of me. What should I do? Unidentified Woman #6: I get calls at all hours of the night from a friend who needs my constant guidance, support, advice or just ordinary information. I want to be a good person, but my friend is so needy and draining, it's keeping me from living my life. Any advice? Unidentified Woman #7: My friend is constantly cutting me off, putting me down and reprimanding me. She tries to shame me by making fun of me in front of other people. She never takes responsibility for the way things are between us. I've known her for a long time, but the bottom line is I just don't feel good about myself after I'm with her. Unidentified Woman #8: I have a friend who just can't be happy for my success. We used to commiserate about the things we weren't happy about. But since I've changed, I feel like she's always looking at me and saying, `Who does she think she is?' WINFREY: I love that question. OK. Kelly identifies with that statement. Not all of her friends have been happy about how she started to turn her life around, so Kelly was shocked when she accidentally--listen to this--received an e-mail meant for someone else in her office. It was from a co-worker that she considered to be a good friend, and Kelly's going to read the e-mail that was accidentally sent to her. You have to watch that send button. It was accidentally sent to her and it was about her. KELLY: Yep. WINFREY: OK. Let's hear it. KELLY: It says, `I'm going to scream. Here she goes on and on again about what a relief it was to be on THE OPRAH SHOW and how she found herself. If she does not stop talking about her newfound life, she's going to find herself without a job, and I'm going to scream if she does not shut up and get her ass to work.' WINFREY: And so this was written to somebody else about you. KELLY: Mm-hmm. WINFREY: And accidentally, she hit the send button and it came to you. KELLY: I said she must have had Kelly on the brain because she typed in my name and sent it to me. WINFREY: OK. So what did you do about that? KELLY: I was shocked. I mean, I called... WINFREY: This is somebody you trusted and... KELLY: Yeah. WINFREY: ...believed in? KELLY: A very good friend of mine at work. WINFREY: OK. KELLY: And I called her up and she wasn't home from work yet, so I left it on her machine, but I told her that she hurt my feelings and we were always miserable together, so I think it just hurt her to see me going on. WINFREY: I have this to share with the audience. You know, as a person who has achieved some material success in my life, I can assure you that everybody achieves on wherever you are in your life, and you know, I feel very fortunate that I've come up the ladder and I've made just about every salary there is, starting out, you know, making $10,000 a year when I first started as a reporter. And this is what I have learned about that, Cheryl, is that most people--you surround yourself with people who have an expectation of themselves and also an expectation of you. Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. WINFREY: And when you exceed other people's expectation of you, they consider it a direct reflection against them... Ms. RICHARDSON: Yes. WINFREY: ...and hold it against you. So what I have found, and I'm sure--you all are shaking your head, because it happens at all levels--that when you exceed, if you can be a little bit successful or you can lose a little bit of weight or you can do as well as somebody thinks you ought to do, but when you go beyond that, then they become angry with you, which really isn't about you. It's about how they feel about themselves. Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. That's right. WINFREY: That's why I found that people can't be happy for your happiness, and you just need to know that. Ms. RICHARDSON: Yes. And I think it's very unfortunate that we live in a country where we do not celebrate each other's success. WINFREY: Because you look at their success as--immediately people who are not happy with themselves say, `What about me?' Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. And we're always comparing ourselves... WINFREY: Yeah. Ms. RICHARDSON: ...against other people. And here's the truth: If you cannot be with someone else's success, you cannot be with your own. WINFREY: Correct. Correct. Ms. RICHARDSON: And that's an important statement. You can't be with your own because here's what happens. When you find yourself--when you're criticizing or judging someone else's success, either overtly or covertly, then on some level, you fear that you're going to be the victim of that same kind of behavior, and I know we all deal with that. In this lifestyle makeover series, as people are improving the quality of their lives, it is going to ruffle feathers and it is going to absolutely, in some cases, force some relationships to change and some relationships to end. That's going to happen. That's why support is so important. WINFREY: Yes. And to understand, as you begin to live your best life, that other--the people who are not happy for your happiness are really not happy with themselves. Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. WINFREY: That's really hard to get. Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. WINFREY: Because when it's happening to you, you think, `You see, I should have stayed the way I was because then at least people liked me.' Ms. RICHARDSON: Well... WINFREY: They didn't like you anyway. Ms. RICHARDSON: Absolu... WINFREY: Don't you think, too, that question--I don't think men get this--I never hear anybody saying, `Who does he think he is?' Ms. RICHARDSON: You know, that's true. That's true. I don't, either. WINFREY: I never--has anybody ever heard anybody say that to a guy? Ms. RICHARDSON: I don't, either. WINFREY: But women--that is a-- `Who does she think she is?' Now I will have to say that there have been many times in my life, I mean, where I could not stand up to that question. Ms. RICHARDSON: Yes. WINFREY: That when somebody would throw that question at me and say, `Who does she think she is?,' whether it came in the form of a tabloid or just somebody gossiping or being jealous, I would cower to that question and then apologize and try to let the person think, `See, really, I'm nothing, I'm nobody. It's--I'm no bigger than anybody else, and yeah, I may have a lot of money, but see, I have my other problems.' I do not apologize for who I am anymore. Ms. RICHARDSON: Good for you. Good for you. Absolutely. WINFREY: So what--what I learned over all of these shows is that when somebody asks the question, `Who does she think she is?,' the real goal in life is for you to be able to say, `This is who I am.' Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. That's exactly right. WINFREY: This is who I am. If they like it, they like it. If they don't--if they don't, give them the lifestyle makeover book. Maybe they can help themselves. Ms. RICHARDSON: Well--and I just have to say, Oprah, I can't tell you how important it is for you as a woman to say that, because there are so many women out there who do not have role models in their life who say to them it is OK to be as successful as you want to be, as financially successful, as brilliant and creative. We need women to say that to each other. As a matter of fact, women bond through suffering. We don't bond through success. WINFREY: Right. Ms. RICHARDSON: And we have to learn to start bonding through success and supporting each other in lifting ourselves up instead of always, you know, complaining about the man or complaining about the--the job or--forget that stuff. Start talking about what's really going on in your lives and what you want for yourselves. That's what we need, and we need people like you to set that example, because we don't see it. I know I didn't grow up with it, and I don't see it. I know my mother didn't see it. We all need that. WINFREY: Well, it's hard--it's hard--it's hard--it's hard, because we have been told that--th--that question. We fear that question. How many women in here fear that question? You don't want to get too big because, oh, God, people will think, who do I think I am? Ms. RICHARDSON: Don't get too big for your britches. WINFREY: Don't get too big for your britches. It's... Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. WINFREY: Being a real woman, and not just an old female, but being a real woman, Maya Angelou says, is being able to stand up to that question. This is who I am. Coming up, Tracey confronts a toxic friend and ends their 10-year relationship, when we come back. [MUSIC] [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC] WINFREY: So we're talking today with Cheryl Richardson who wrote "Lifestyle Makeovers." I'm sure just since you hit the best-sellers list, you're hearing it. `Who does she think she is?' Ms. RICHARDSON: Yes, yes. And I have apologized and I have made myself small, and I'll tell you, hanging around with you isn't making that easy any more. I am not going to do that. WINFREY: Yeah. Ms. RICHARDSON: Absolutely not. WINFREY: I know, because we try to minimalize it so that the other person doesn't... Ms. RICHARDSON: Yes. That's right. WINFREY: ...feel bad that you are, you know, letting your whole light shine. Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. WINFREY: So you try to dim yourself. Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. And you know, we're not doing other people any favors when we make ourselves small. That's not good for the other people in our lives, and it's not good for the world, our families, our community. That's not what we need. WINFREY: Yeah. And it still doesn't stop what you think it is. They're still going to leave and still talk about you, because you're thinking, `If I can make myself small, make myself be who they think I am, then it'll be OK.' KELLY: Well, when I confronted her, she did say--you know, I said it was so harsh, I wanted to forgive her, but I didn't know how, because it didn't seem like the first time, and she did admit that she'd done it a couple times, and I think--I still want her to be my friend. I think it's important to help each other and be friends, even through good times. And it was just really hard to get over that. WINFREY: So what did she say? Did she apologize? KELLY: Oh, she apologized and apologized. I have not talked to her since she's apologized, because I... WINFREY: Oh, she's talking about you right now. KELLY: Oh, I'm sure. WINFREY: There she is again... KELLY: Oh, sure. WINFREY: ...on THE OPRAH SHOW, reading my e-mail! KELLY: Yeah, exactly. But I think it's important to stay strong and still be friends. To be able to forgive her, I think that makes me stronger than anything. Ms. RICHARDSON: Well--and to use that experience as a way to bring the two of you closer together--you don't want to just step over it. KELLY: Right. Ms. RICHARDSON: It has--she actually created an opportunity for you to have a dialogue, and the fact that you had the courage to pick up the phone and call her says a lot about who you are and what you're doing in your life. KELLY: Right. Ms. RICHARDSON: Now use it to open an honest line of communication between the two of you, and you may end up with a really wonderful, deeper friendship because of it. KELLY: Exactly. WINFREY: Yeah. Yeah, if it continues at all. KELLY: That's what I'm hoping. WINFREY: I say forgive her, but also--when people show you who they are, believe them... Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. KELLY: Right. Right. WINFREY: ...the first time. KELLY: Exactly. WINFREY: This is Tracey, who you saw earlier promising to not be a hypocrite and to remain honest in her relationship, but Tracey says until now, she's not had the backbone to end a toxic friendship. Take a look. TRACEY: I have this friend that I met back in college. At first, it was a very healthy relationship. Over the past couple of years, or maybe even the last five years, things have kind of deteriorated. I've found that she seems to be very needy, very jealous, very opinionated. I've been keeping a video journal about my lifestyle makeover, as the process continues. I have it on tape of how it felt when I get those calls. I have this one friend that you would call a bloodsucker. She pointed out to me, you know, `Oh, do you realize that being on camera, you know, adds 10, 15 pounds?' She's commenting on how heavy I am, and you know what? I don't need her to point out to me that I've gained weight. I think she's kind of jealous about certain situations, because my husband and I are doing really well, and we've moved and we have this great house, and you know, here I am really trying to make an effort to change my life, to change things for the better, and I think in some ways, she feels stuck, and she wants to pull me down or not let me, you know, reach my potential. After I get off the phone with her, I feel nauseous. I have a lump in my throat, I feel dirty. I feel sad and I feel a little pathetic. I can't set boundaries with her. I feel like when I'm on the phone with her and she's slamming my other friends and I'm just sitting there being silent and not participating in the conversation or defending my friends, I feel like I'm out of integrity, and that needs to stop. WINFREY: And being out of integrity-- out of integrity does what to your life? Ms. RICHARDSON: Well, first of all, it affects your physical health. It actually will cause you to draw towards you more unhealthy relationships, unhealthy situations. It's as if you step out of the flow and things start to break down. It might be difficult for you to accomplish goals. You find every time you turn around, a door seems to close, because on some fundamental level, we're not lined up. WINFREY: Yeah. So when Tracey decided to end her draining friendship-- and I know everybody watching here-- I see you all nodding, you're like, `How does she do it?-- because everybody has had these and it's, I think, harder even when you have family members, because of all that stuff is attached to, `Well, she is my sister. She is my cousin, my aunt,' whatever. She used Cheryl's step-by-step plan to end it with grace and love, which is what Cheryl des--describes in the book "Lifestyle Makeovers." So it's a step-by-step plan, because a lot of people get out of integrity trying to--trying to just do it. Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. WINFREY: Yeah. Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. WINFREY: You end up, you know--you know, cursing somebody out or saying some things that you might later regret. Ms. RICHARDSON: Avoiding phone calls. WINFREY: Avoiding phone calls. Pretending, pretending, pretending... Ms. RICHARDSON: Yes. WINFREY: That's all out of integrity. So you're going to end it, end it with grace and love. Here's how. TRACEY: Cheryl gave me some suggestions on how to end this friendship with love and grace. The first step was to find a partner, someone that I could trust and someone that I respected. I decided to use my neighbor and good friend, Christie. The second step is to sit down and actually write out a script of exactly what I want to say. The next step is to practice with my partner. Right now, I'm really nervous. I don--really don't want to hurt her feelings, and at the same time, it's something that I really feel like I need to do. Here we go. (On telephone) Hi. Good. How are you? Hanging in? You just get back from vacation? One of the reasons why I'm calling is because it is kind of important why I'm calling. I've reached a step where I need to tell you something. In an effort to honor my integrity in our relationship, I need to tell you the truth, and I feel like our friendship has kind of reached a crossroads, and we've grown in two different directions. And instead of not calling you or avoiding our phone calls or ignoring, you know, your e-mails and stuff, I just wanted to tell you directly that--that I feel like our friendship needs to come to an end. Wow. She said she understood, so I guess maybe she was feeling like maybe it was coming. I think that this is a huge step forward. I just think I have so much more room in my life now for healthy relationships. WINFREY: Boy, I think that's hard. I applaud you. TRACEY: Thank you. WINFREY: I don't know who the other person-- I applaud you for being able to do that. TRACEY: Thank you. Thank you. WINFREY: Wow. I think that is so hard. TRACEY: Thank you. WINFREY: Anybody else that thinks that's hard? I think that's hard. That is--you know... Ms. RICHARDSON: It's a really hard thing. WINFREY: ...that's a real hard thing to do, you know, really. TRACEY: Thank you. WINFREY: How--was your heart pounding? TRACEY: Yeah. It was pounding. I was very nervous. But it was a relationship that I couldn't change. I didn't think it was going to change, so it really needed to end. So... WINFREY: How long has it been going on, this relationship? This is... TRACEY: Ten years. WINFREY: Ten years. TRACEY: We've been friends since college. Yeah. WINFREY: So she doesn't know you're going to say that. What was she saying on the other end? TRACEY: You know, she handled it really well. I was shocked, because I didn't know-- either she was going to be really, really silent or she was going to freak out on me. WINFREY: What--what did you think... TRACEY: I was prepared for both. She... WINFREY: Is that what you thought was going to happen? TRACEY: I thought she was going to freak out. But she honestly was, like, `I understand. These things are hard, and I...' WINFREY: And so have you felt like a liar with her? TRACEY: I have definitely felt like a liar, because she says things about--we have a group of friends and--you know, like, she's kind of like the--the hub and I have all these other friends, have spoken... WINFREY: Talks about them to you, and... TRACEY: Yeah. And I sit there and I'm just like `Mm-hmm.' WINFREY: ...and you to them. TRACEY: I keep quiet. I don't really participate, but since I don't participate, I feel like I'm lying... WINFREY: Yeah. TRACEY: ...and I'm not being a good friend... Ms. RICHARDSON: Yeah, because... TRACEY: ...to my other friends because... Ms. RICHARDSON: Because if... TRACEY: ...if I'm not saying anything because me and this person that I've ended--our friendship is based on, like, fear and guilt, so I'm, like, the silent partner. Ms. RICHARDSON: Well, I think it's important to know that when you're listening on the other end, you're participating... TRACEY: Exactly. Ms. RICHARDSON: ...and I think you knew that... TRACEY: Yeah. Exactly. Ms. RICHARDSON: ...which is why you needed to end the relationship, just because... WINFREY: That's why you get off the phone nauseous. Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. WINFREY: Yes. TRACEY: I know. It's that... Ms. RICHARDSON: Which is such a good example of how--you know, there is now research, scientific research, that shows that our immune systems are impacted in a negative way for a long period of time from toxic relationships. If we're in the company--I mean, we all know this. If you're in the company of people who are angry, you know it. You can feel it. Or people who are negative, you feel it your body. WINFREY: Well, the holidays are coming up-- a lot of people get that, going to their... Ms. RICHARDSON: That's exactly right. WINFREY: ...you know... Ms. RICHARDSON: You know, the feeling you get in your body isn't--not only is it a signal that this is a relationship that needs some attention, but it's also a signal that your physical body's in trouble. WINFREY: Next--bravo to you for being able to do that, Tracey. TRACEY: Thank you. WINFREY: Help for this woman who says her mother is like a spiritual vampire. Well, now. What do you do when someone you love is draining your body, your mind and your spirit? We'll find out when we come back. Oh, boy. [MUSIC] [MUSIC] WINFREY: We're talking about how toxic relationships affect your health and your well-being. Now we're going to meet Chris, who says it's really in her family. What Tracey did is really hard, but it wasn't blood, and we know how-- we are--I was just saying to Cheryl, so many of us are attached to the title, or the role given to a person, so it's very hard to do... Ms. RICHARDSON: Yes. That's right. The closer... WINFREY: ...when it's in your family. Ms. RICHARDSON: The closer the relationship is to you, the harder it's going to be to tell the truth. WINFREY: Yes. And you're saying that you need to actually s-- tell the truth and not play the ignore game. Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. The ignore game doesn't work. You're out of integrity. If you feel yourself feeling that `ooh' feeling in your stomach when the person leaves a voice-mail message, that's telling you there is an energy cord... WINFREY: Look at all the people who got the voice-mail because they don't want to take the message. Ms. RICHARDSON: Or Caller ID. WINFREY: Look at call--that's exactly it. Ms. RICHARDSON: Look at Caller ID. WINFREY: Yes. Ms. RICHARDSON: Yes. WINFREY: People running from each other. Ms. RICHARDSON: Yeah. But when you feel that `ooh,' that means that there is a cord of energy running from you... WINFREY: True. Ms. RICHARDSON: ...to that person and you cannot move on with your life... WINFREY: True. Ms. RICHARDSON: ...until you sever that cord with grace and love. WINFREY: Yeah. Ms. RICHARDSON: Ideally. WINFREY: They're all laughing because they know they check the Caller ID and pretend they're in Burma. OK. Chris says her mother's constant criticism is giving her panic attacks. Take a look, Chris' story. Ms. WATSON: My mother is a spiritual vampire. She constantly criticizes me, and she constantly nags me. I can just feel my head getting flushed, and I can just feel my blood pressure going up. My mom will look at me and she'll say, `You look tired. You look awful tired. You are not sleeping, are you?' And I'll say, `Yes, Mother, I'm sleeping.' `Your teeth don't look right. You're not brushing your teeth, are you?' `Yes, Mother, I'm brushing my teeth.' After a visit with my mom, I feel tired. I feel drained. I feel exasperated. I know she means well, but I am pulling my hair out. I want to please her. I want to be a good daughter, but whatever I do is never enough. The other day, I was cleaning out a basket, and she said, `Well, hell's going to freeze over today because Chris is actually doing some housework.' If you have someone constantly criticizing and asking about your world, you start feeling like it's unsafe, and your confidence is undermined, and so I started having panic attacks. My mother loves to gossip, especially about my sisters. In fact, one of her favorite things to do is to c--come to me and say, `Your sister says you're fat.' The only way she knows how to communicate with me is through chaos and drama. There are times when she is at my house that I actually go into my room and hide. When my mother leaves, I burn candles and incense to get the negative energy out of the room. The relationship affects my daughter in that she sees us being very toxic and negative to each other, and I don't want to pass on this kind of behavior to my daughter. Unidentified Girl: It makes me upset when my mom and my grandmother don't get along. They aren't always happy around each other, and so they are fighting a lot, and I just want it to stop. Ms. WATSON: I absolutely love my mom. I don't want to blame her or shame her. I would just like for us to have a better relationship. WINFREY: So what's she going to think of this piece? Ms. WATSON: Sh--well, she recognizes now that she has a problem, and I think before we just never-- I would tell her to stop and ask her to stop, and--and she just wasn't-- she didn't think it was that important. But now she's really checking herself. WINFREY: What do you say, Cheryl? Ms. RICHARDSON: Well, I think the relationship with our mothers is one of the most challenging ones to heal, and when I watched that tape, what I feel is a tremendous amount of sadness for you both... Ms. WATSON: Right. Ms. RICHARDSON: ...because there's an opportunity for the two of you to have a relationship... Ms. WATSON: Right. Ms. RICHARDSON: ...and takes two to tango in a relationship. Ms. WATSON: Right. Ms. RICHARDSON: So what that means is there's something that you're still doing that's allowing her to still do what she's doing. Ms. WATSON: Right. WINFREY: Correct. Ms. RICHARDSON: And so what we care about is you, and what you need to do in order to to change that. In a situation like this, quite honestly, especially when it deals with a family member, therapy is often a really important part of the healing process. Ms. WATSON: Right. WINFREY: OK. Now what Cheryl says-- we're going come back--that there are specific words Chris and other people can use to confront a family member in a graceful, loving way. It's real--really good advice. We're going to hear it when we come back. MUSIC MUSIC WINFREY: Cheryl says that there are specific words that Chris and other people can use to confront a family member in a graceful, loving way. Start out by saying... Ms. RICHARDSON: `In an effort to honor our relationship, I need to tell you the truth.' WINFREY: And what does that do? Ms. RICHARDSON: Well, really, what the-- it sets the stage. It's saying `I--I care about you and I care about me and our relationship.' WINFREY: Yeah. Ms. RICHARDSON: So let's start there, and it opens the pa--the door for the truth to come out. WINFREY: OK. Because you said that-- I noticed you said that on the phone. So was there dead silence when you said that, because I--I'm thinking now everybody's watching the show, when you hear that sentence--go `OK.' Ms. RICHARDSON: Well... WINFREY: Yeah. Ms. RICHARDSON: Can I just say something? WINFREY: Yeah. Ms. RICHARDSON: Let's remember, the first goal is to always heal the relationship. We're not talking about go out and sever all your relationships. First step is to heal, so it might be, `In an effort to honor our relationship, I need to tell you the truth. WINFREY: Tell you the truth. Ms. RICHARDSON: When you complain about your boss, it drives me crazy. I feel drained. If you want to do something about your job, I'll support you 100 percent, but I can't listen to you complain. WINFREY: Now this works no matter who you are or what the situation. It works if you're a husband in a husband-wife situation... Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. WINFREY: ...or friend to friend, mo... Ms. RICHARDSON: And re--and remember, the closer the relationship, the more challenging it's going to be, so you may need other support as well. WINFREY: OK. So the next--first thing you say, `In an effort to honor our relationship, I want to tell you the truth.' Have you done this? Ms. WATSON: Yes, I did. WINFREY: OK. And then the next thing you say is, when you... Ms. RICHARDSON: When you do blank... WINFREY: Blank. Ms. RICHARDSON: ...whatever it is... Ms. WATSON: Right. Right. When you criticize and judge me, I--I feel drained and it--it upsets me. Ms. RICHARDSON: Great. WINFREY: OK. So then you put the thing on you. Ms. WATSON: Right. WINFREY: It makes me feel... Ms. RICHARDSON: I feel. Ms. WATSON: Right. WINFREY: Yes. Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. You use the I word. It's not about, `You do this,' it's `I feel whatever it is.' WINFREY: OK. Ms. RICHARDSON: So that you make it about you, because that's who it's about. It's you. Ms. WATSON: Right. Absolutely. WINFREY: OK. That's the second part of the question. Ms. WATSON: Right. WINFREY: Then you say, `Are you willing to stop doing that?' Ms. RICHARDSON: Yeah, `I need you to do' --you know, `Mom, I need you to stop criticizing me when we--when we get together. Are you willing to do that?' And then you must back up the boundary with action. Too often, women rew--reward bad behavior by putting up with it even after they've set the boundary. WINFREY: Yeah, yeah. Ms. RICHARDSON: When she starts complaining or criticizing--and she will... WINFREY: She will. Ms. RICHARDSON: ...you need step in and say, `Mom, remember, we had this conversation. I need you to stop.' Ms. WATSON: Right. WINFREY: Ha--you--you--you--you've done what part of this? Ms. WATSON: We--we sat down and we had the --the talk about--you know, like Cheryl, in her book... WINFREY: In an effort to honor our relationship... Ms. WATSON: Right. I said that. And she--she said that she was willing to try, and the criticism has stopped--not stopped. It's--it's gotten--you know, I used to get maybe 30 criticisms. Now I get maybe five. You know, but I... Ms. RICHARDSON: Good. That's improvement. Ms. WATSON: But I... WINFREY: That's improvement. Ms. WATSON: ...I didn't know that I was supposed to follow it up with, you know, `I need you to stop,' you know, remind her of the conversation. TRACEY: Otherwise, it's going to go back to how it was, Chris. Ms. WATSON: Right. Ms. RICHARDSON: So this is about you and how you need to deal with it. WINFREY: It's up to you to change it. And a--all of our lifestyle makeover women can tell us this as we--in the coming weeks, we'll find out--it's not the first, because a lot of people say, `Oh, I tried that.' You read a book and you say, `Oh, I tried that. I told her and then it didn't work.' Or people do that with, you know, ch--advice about their children. `Oh, I did that, and it didn't work.' You have to keep doing it. It's consistency. Ms. RICHARDSON: That's right. Ms. WATSON: Right. Ms. RICHARDSON: That's exactly right. WINFREY: Yes. Ms. RICHARDSON: That's exactly right. WINFREY: Yes. Ms. WATSON: OK. WINFREY: Because what you're saying by your actions to people all the time, you are saying, this is who I am. And one of things Phil McGraw always says is you teach people how to treat you, and you have, as an adult woman, taught your mother how to treat you. Ms. WATSON: Right. Right. ...(Unintelligible). Ms. RICHARDSON: And can I say one last thing? We all need to ask ourselves who are we draining in our lives as well. Ms. WATSON: Right. WINFREY: Nobody. [LAUGHTER] Ms. RICHARDSON: OK. WINFREY: I really don't believe I'm draining anybody. If I am, you can just e-mail me later and tell me. Remembering Your Spirit is next. Back in a moment. Thank you. [MUSIC] [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC] WINFREY: OK. I just remember I was walking down the street one day and I had my hair in braids, and this girl said--I was--something happened, I've forgotten. She said, `Who do you think you are?' and I said, `Oprah Winfrey,' and she said, `You wish.' [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] Oh! That just cracked me up thinking about it. OK. Sandy Zavala didn't realize she was a toxic friend until the day she received a letter from her best friend, ending their relationship. Take a look at how the letter forced her to look inside herself and examine who she really was. Ms. SANDY ZAVALA: Debbie was like a sister to me. We'd been the best of friends for nine years, and all of a sudden, things started changing. I started having feelings of anger and jealousy. I went from being a friend to a drainer, and I sought a lot of support and advice from her. But always--I seemed to forget that a relationship is a two-way street. One day, I got a letter in the mail from Debbie. Debbie wrote, `Sandy, when was the last time that you did an action or a deed that did not directly or indirectly involve or benefit yourself? The feelings I sense from you are not centered in love. I can't be friends with you anymore.' I thought about Debbie for a long time after that. I would dream about her, and I knew that maybe I'd never see her again. At that point, I knew I had to grow internally. I wanted to become a better person. I did a lot of running, yoga, physical activities that helped me to connect more with my spirit. It's a process you have to go through, I think--heal your soul, heal your spirit, in order to become a more valuable friend. It was almost three years since I had seen Debbie. And yet, the whole time, I didn't stop thinking about her. I came home and I found a message on my answering machine. It was Debbie's voice. She had said, `Sandy, I missed you. If you're still interested in continuing our friendship, please give me a call.' When we came together again, she realized how much more of a grateful person I had become. Now after two years, the relationship actually became stronger. The spirit of our friendship has become more complete. That letter was a rude awakening for me. It made me realize that in any friendship, the important thing is to be able to give back to that person. We have to trust in the ebb and flow of life and know that sometimes your paths have to part, only to come back together to share that much more. WINFREY: That's beautiful. We'll be right back. That was divine intervention. MUSIC MUSIC OPRAH WINFREY: I want to thank Cheryl Richardson again. Her new book, "Life Makeovers." I love this book. I think you should get it for your girlfriends-- be wonderful to get it, and you all do life makeovers together. You know, it starts in January, but you can start at any time. I'm waiting to start in January and make my life over. Thanks to Kelly, Tracey and Chris for sharing their stories. You can learn more about our lifestyle makeover series by logging on to oprah.com. Chat with Cheryl Richardson tonight--is it tonight at 8? OK. Thank you so much, everybody. Thank you. Good luck with your mom. [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC]
