♪♪♪♪ OPRAH WINFREY: Whispers, criticism, gossip--all your negative comments. LAUREN: Oh, my gosh, look at those pants. WINFREY: Are you guilty? How many times have you judged somebody just today? LAUREN: There's not a day that's gone by that I haven't uttered `I hate people.' WINFREY: Every time you judge someone else, you cause yourself pain. LAUREN: I am starting to feel poisoned. Mr. GARY ZUKAV: At the heart of judging other people is a feeling of being unworthy, less than, inferior. WINFREY: Now I know that is the truth. Stop judging others and make your life more joyful. Mr. ZUKAV: You know how painful it is for you to be judged. LAUREN: Yes. Mr. ZUKAV: If you can remember in a moment of being judged by others how you feel, that will begin to change you. WINFREY: Gary Zukav, next. ♪♪♪♪ ♪♪♪♪ [APPLAUSE] -Monday, Monday. Great. Great to see you. Great. You look just like you do at home. So today our $100,000 award is going to a former bike racer whose career came to a tragic end. What he didn't know then was that his most satisfying victories were ahead of him. Take a look the how John Benenate is using his life to take inner city kids on the ride of their lives. Look at this. Mr. JOHN BENENATE: I was a bicycle messenger in the streets of Portland, and that got me interested in cycling. I started racing with the US Air Force and came back and raced for the eighth-ranked Portland State University collegiate team. In 1992, I fell off of an 18-foot deck, landed on a tree stump and broke my back and became a paraplegic. Life changed at that point. I wanted to reach out to the faces that were missing in cycling. The sport is predominantly white males. I decided to transform the sport. I chose inner city kids because they were missing from the sport. Get your gloves. Go, go, go, go, go! Aller, aller, aller! Shift into a granny gear, too. Use that right shifter and shift into a granny gear. B.I.K.E. stands for Bicycles and Ideas for Kids' Empowerment, and we're an inner city cycling team that's in the Portland area. Our motto is `Transforming lives one pedal stroke at a time.' The structure of our program is to meet with the kids six days a week. They get up at 6:00 in the morning, rain or shine. In process of teaching them they'll be bicycle racers, we try to give them standards of hard work and high self-esteem and discipline, and they then carry those into every facet of their lives. Unidentified Woman #1: The biking program has given my kids hope. Seeing John as a leader has proven to them that just because you experience setbacks in your lifetime, it doesn't necessarily mean they have to hold you back. Mr. BENENATE: Recently a young lady joined the team name Nisi Cobb. Nisi was a troubled young lady when she first came to the team. Unidentified Woman #2: My daughter, Nisi, has ADD, and this has helped her in her school because she's more focused. Her grades have improved. When Nisi came home with the silver medal from her first race, I couldn't believe it. I saw something in her that I--I didn't realize was there before. I was so proud of her. Mr. BENENATE: We are good. We're good time and time again. We're the third-ranked team in the state. We have 16 state champions on the team. Last two women state champs came out of this team. Girls are really rarities. -Right up on the wheel. Right up on the wheel. I'm really thrilled about the new team that's coming up. They've got to be the biggest group of young women working together in the Northwest. We have a very talented group of coaches and mentors who are great with children. We address the whole child by mind, body and spirit. We do yoga because it makes the kids strong. It helps them to breathe. It helps them to feel good about themselves. We do journals for many reasons. It helps us to interact with each other and to care about each other. You are good at journaling, man! I stress education because there's no doubt in my mind that education's more important than bicycle racing. One of the first children to get involved in our program was Madre Stocker. He was in the remedial classes in elementary school, and now he's on the honor roll. Oh, and he's won four state championships. Aaron and Nick are very dear boys. They do a lot of the bike repairs for the whole team. Nick's won 11 state championships. Sometimes it seems like I'm more powerful in a wheelchair than I ever was able-bodied. And there's something about that that leads me to believe that there's a higher power and that something really magical's going on. The children have helped me to become a better man. WINFREY: Wow! Welcome John Benenate, founder of B.I.K.E., which stands for Bicycles and Ideas for Kids' Empowerment. Hey, come on up. Come on up, John. Fantastic! Wow! [APPLAUSE] That's a great story. My God. Gosh. You--gosh. Wow. Woo! Unidentified Woman #3: Yes! Yes! Yes! WINFREY: Wonderful. And you smell good, too. Mr. BENENATE: Thank you. So do you. WINFREY: Well, we're honoring John today. We're honoring you be--with this $100,000 award because you have seen a champion in every child and reaching out to help them see themselves and see the possibilities for their lives. We award you this Use Your Life award today. Mr. BENENATE: Thank you very much. WINFREY: Thank you for using your life this way. Mr. BENENATE: Thank you. WINFREY: Yes! Wow. Thank you for that. Thank you for that. Mr. BENENATE: It was a great piece. Wow! WINFREY: I should be. Mr. BENENATE: I mean, it really... WINFREY: You guys did the work. We just filmed it. I think that is so tremendous to take what you have been given in life and what was taken away from you and then to give that back to so many others. That is--isn't that amazing? Just to be able to do that. Mr. BENENATE: Well, I've been blessed. I'm--I'm just here by the grace of God. I've had some wonderful people to work with, some wonderful children. And it's been a great opportunity for me. WINFREY: I hear that you say you've been given more--you've been given more than you actually gave. Mr. BENENATE: Oh, there's no doubt about it. There's no doubt about it. The children--they come up with the funniest ways to show you that they love you, you know, and I feel like a stronger, better man as a result of it. WINFREY: Of having worked with those children. Mr. BENENATE: Oh, no doubt about it. The chil... WINFREY: And how long do they have to train to do that? Mr. BENENATE: To figure out whether they love me or not? Well, it does take a few... WINFREY: No, I mean, like, before they go into, like, a tournament or something, how much--you say they're out there six days a week? Mr. BENENATE: Well, depending on the race--yeah, they are. We--we do--we do both academic and physical training, working with their schoolwork as well. But depending on the race, I might throw a beginner in a race, a race where they race all by themselves. A big pack race, a kid needs to either show some incredible ability or probably work with us for about six months... WINFREY: Really. Mr. BENENATE: ...before we throw them into a race. WINFREY: Well, thank you so much. The money for this week's Use Your Life award comes from actor Paul Newman of Newman's Own and you, our generous viewers. And thank you, Mr. Newman, and our viewers. Congratulations to John... Mr. BENENATE: Well, thank you, Oprah. WINFREY: ...and all those great kids... Mr. BENENATE: Oh, thank you. WINFREY: ...all those kids. Mr. BENENATE: Those kids. [APPLAUSE] We'll be right back. This is the perfect example of using your life. It's unbelievable. Thank you. Just unbelievable. Coming up, how critical and judgmental are you? This mom says when she goes to the mall, she can't help criticizing everybody who walks by. LAUREN: Oh, my gosh, look at those pants! Oh, my God! WINFREY: And this young woman didn't think that having high standards meant that she was judgmental, but her friends are saying she is. Gary Zukav explains how we bring pain into our lives when we criticize and judge. Gary Zukav on how to stop judging others, next. ♪♪♪♪ ♪♪♪♪ WINFREY: Let me ask you, are you guilty of being critical and judgmental? How many times have you judged someone or something already today, do you think? Can everybody say yes to that? Did you whisper about somebody's outfit? Was it mine? I don't know. Or did you decide someone isn't as smart as you or wasn't--OK. Did you ever think about what those judgments and criticisms do to you? Anybody ever think about that? Really? You re--really do think about it? Gary's here, Gary Zukav. He's the author of "The Seat of the Soul" and "Soul Stories," which is now in paperback. And Gary says that every time you judge, even if you're just thinking it--really?--that we create negativity and pain for ourselves. Even if you're just thinking it? Mr. ZUKAV: Oh, it's very painful to judge. It's very painful. But at the heart of judging other people--and this is really what I came on the show today to share--is a feeling in yourself of being unworthy, of being less than, of feeling inferior. And that is a very painful experience... WINFREY: OK. Mr. ZUKAV: ...and rather than feel it, it's easier to judge. WINFREY: Now I know that is the truth. But I know some people are frowning up here today, because I can see them in the audience right now. They're going--because when I am judging, I'm really thinking about the other person. I am not thinking about me. So when you say that, you mean you are really--it is your own fear about yourself, that you couldn't even be judgmental of somebody if it is not bringing up something within yourself that you need to look at. Mr. ZUKAV: That's exactly right. WINFREY: Right. So when you find yourself talking about somebody else's dress, that means you, yourself, do not feel worthy--somebody else's anything, that's because you do not feel worthy... Mr. ZUKAV: That's right. WINFREY: ...or is a way of you making yourself feel superior. It's the same thing. Mr. ZUKAV: It's the same thing. WINFREY: Yeah. Mr. ZUKAV: You feel inferior... WINFREY: Yeah. Mr. ZUKAV: ...and what I'm trying to... WINFREY: You all know that people who have a superiority complex are really inferior. You all do know that, right? You didn't know that? Well, look at what you learned today. Anybody who has a superiority complex, who's running around judging other people, that really is an indication of how inferior they really feel, no matter how it comes out. Mr. ZUKAV: That's right. WINFREY: OK. Mr. ZUKAV: When--when--when you encounter someone who's arrogant... WINFREY: Yeah. Yeah. Mr. ZUKAV: ...be aware that you are encountering someone who is frightened... WINFREY: OK. Mr. ZUKAV: ...and in pain. And if you begin to look at that behavior of arrogance and judgmentalism in another person, you can begin to have compa... WINFREY: The bigger the jerk, the bigger the pain usually, right? Mr. ZUKAV: Yes. WINFREY: So a lot of you--I know that. Mr. ZUKAV: There was--there was a little bit of judgment in that. WINFREY: No, no, no. No, I know that Gary--I read--I read "Seat of the Soul" back in 1989, so I've incorporated this into my life for a long time, and I--when I would see people who were really behaving in ways that I felt were jerklike, I would just--I would immediately go to that place and say, `Oh, I understand, this person's in a lot of deep pain.' And I can make the choice so I don't want to deal with their pain today. I can make that choice for myself. Mr. ZUKAV: Yes, you certainly can. WINFREY: Yeah. Mr. ZUKAV: That's an excellent choice to make. WINFREY: Doesn't mean you don't want to--have to stay there and deal with it. Mr. ZUKAV: But to judge that person is trying to deal with it in a convoluted and painful way. WINFREY: Yes. So I'm thinking this is a great paradigm shift for people. When you see somebody being a jerk, seeing--whether that's judg--is that judgmental to call them a jerk? Mr. ZUKAV: It sounded a bit judgmental to me. WINFREY: OK. OK. When you see someone displaying jerklike behavior, then you can immediately not think, `Oh, gee, what a--whatever you--expletive you use, but you--because that's also judgmental--but you can say, `Gee, this person's in a lot of pain.' Mr. ZUKAV: Yes. For me, what I can say is--when I see someone being macho, judgmental, pushing people around, I can say I know what that feels like because I used to feel that way and I used to act just that way myself. WINFREY: Mm-hmm. Mr. ZUKAV: And that helps me to see that this person is a person who is in a lot of pain, and now I know how to interact with this person. But to squander my energy judging that person is something else. WINFREY: OK. We're going to tell you why it is never a good idea to judge a little later on. This is Lauren. She says she is desperate to learn how to stop judging so much. She says she can't turn off the voice inside her head that constantly criticizes everything around her. What's it like to live like that? LAUREN: It's overwhelming and frustrating. I--I have anger every day, and I don't want it. WINFREY: About what? LAUREN: You might drive too fast, you drive too slow, you don't use your turn signal. Any time someone says something or does something that I think is inconsiderate or not ethical, moral, doesn't fit my little box of what I feel the world should be--Gary just gave me a light bulb moment--I'm frustrated all the time when the world isn't the way it should be. WINFREY: Well, she says she's happily married, loving person, loves her children, but judging others is a big poison in her life. Let's look at her story. LAUREN: I work full-time as a firefighter paramedic and I work part-time as a registered nurse. Both of my jobs require me to be nurturing. Genuinely, there can't be a greater feeling than I have in my soul and in my heart when I'm caring for a patient who really needs me, but at the same time I'm very impatient, intolerant, sometimes hateful and judgmental person. How can I feel in one minute so loving and caring and giving, and so angry and resentful the next? I'm Jekyll and Hyde. God, that makes me so mad! One of the times that I'm most judgmental is when I'm in the anonymous shelter of my car, and almost everything anyone else does bothers me. They drive too fast, too slow. If you're tailgating me, I'll tap the brakes, I'll slow way down just to annoy you. I think people are stupid any time they don't do what's logical, obvious, considerate, the right thing to do. Why is it so hard to turn your turn signal on so that I know your intentions? That's stupid. And I label people like that all the time. But if you call me stupid, oh, I'll go crazy. That's my one button I can't stand. Oh, what--what are you doing? What is that? There's probably not a day that's gone by in the last two years that I haven't either uttered under my breath or out loud, `I hate people,' and I don't just say it in a `ha-ha' way. I--I mean it. When my husband and I go to the mall, I have a running commentary to him about how people look, how they're walking. Now I don't know if you can get those pants on any tighter, for God's sakes. Used to be when I made little comments about people, it was always funny. LAUREN: Now I am starting to feel poisoned, and it's manifesting itself in physical ways. I'm having a lot more problems with my stomach. I have chronic jaw pain. I'm sure it's from holding back some of the anger I feel, and I feel so overwhelmed. One of the most upsetting things for me is that I hate to be judged. So how is it OK for me to do it but not for them? The hardest part about this is that I honestly, in the deepest part of my heart, cannot relate this anger and this judgmental behavior to anything immediate in my life. I had a great childhood. I have a wonderful life. I'm doing jobs that I really enjoy. I have a very wonderful husband. I have two great kids who don't give me a lot of trouble. I mean, the world looks good. Doesn't feel good for some reason. I have this sadness inside. I judge everybody, even my own family. I judge me, too, all the time. Every day. I don't want to judge other people. I want to change because I don't like feeling angry. WINFREY: We're going to take a break and talk to Lauren. Gary will talk to Lauren when we come back. ♪♪♪♪[APPLAUSE] ♪♪♪♪ WINFREY: Gary says when we judge, we create negative karma. This means when we say of another person `She is not worthy' or `He's not smart,' what we're really doing is creating painful consequences for ourselves. Remember, the law of karma states you receive from the world what you give to the world. And that does not fail. That works for everybody, no matter who you are, what your status in life. We're talking with Gary Zukav about how we all can learn to become less judgmental and critical of others. And you wanted to say to Lauren? Mr. ZUKAV: I wanted to ask you, Lauren, if you don't mind, what you were feeling when you were watching this video of yourself and your moment of rage at the driver in front of you? LAUREN: Just--as I was watching the whole video, I--I just felt that--a deep sadness. I just felt overwhelmed at watching myself. It was like there's something in here that's wanting to come out, and I--I don't know what it is, and I don't know how to let it out, but watching that just brought lot of emotion. Mr. ZUKAV: Yes. I'm--I'm not a therapist, so I'm not going to speak to you as a therapist. I came on this show to share as a friend what I know about judgment and about judging. It's not an imperative that you stop judging. If you don't stop judging, you will simply continue to create the consequences in your life that judging is now creating in your life. If you decide to challenge your judging and to stop judging, you will begin to create other consequences. And those consequences will be more nourishing, more fruitful and more empowering for you. So when we're looking at a dynamic such as judging others, what we are actually looking at is how to empower ourselves, or in your case how to empower yourself. So when you judge another person, you are seeing reflected onto another person the very way that you are relating to yourself. In other words, if you have impossibly high standards for other people to meet, understand that you are applying those same impossibly high standards to yourself. WINFREY: And a lot of people are going to say to you--and maybe Lauren is one of them-- `Yes, I do have high standards for myself.' LAUREN: And I think that's where the root of the problem is, because logically this my mind I keep saying--it's important for me to share I don't feel like I'm one of those judgmental people that we were talking about earlier who I think I'm better than anyone. It's not that. It's when people do things that I think are unfair, unjust, inconsiderate, all of those things that fit into my little box of what the world should be. When someone does something to someone else or to me that is wrong, in my book, is when the judgmental feelings come. So it's not--it's not so much about how people look. I mean, I do that as well, but the--the anger and the meanness comes when I feel I've been treated unfairly or someone I know has been a victim of... WINFREY: Well, can I ask you this? Stop you there. Why don't you feel that you're better than other people if you want them to operate according to your standards? What is that? You just said, `I don't feel like I'm better than other people,' but you just told us how you want everybody to operate according to--to Lauren's version of the way the world runs. So what is that? LAUREN: It's--for me, it's sort of like a... WINFREY: Because you think your way is the better way, is that not true? LAUREN: It seems like my way--my ethical way of thinking is the way, like--there's this box that we should--we should all... WINFREY: Oh, now you're the way. You went from being a better way to the way. LAUREN: Certainly... WINFREY: OK. But I guess that's not thinking that you're better than other people. LAUREN: No, I... WINFREY: I'm just asking the question. LAUREN: What? WINFREY: I have to ask the question. Mr. ZUKAV: Yeah. WINFREY: I just ask--I'm challenging the question. LAUREN: How many of us didn't grow up being told you should respect other people, you should be caring toward other people, you should listen to what people say? So these are all things that were deeply ingrained in me my whole life; I should do these things. These seem like the human thing to do. WINFREY: OK. LAUREN: So when I encounter someone who doesn't do those things, I judge them. I think, `What's wrong with them? Why are they so mean? Why are they so'--because I'm not mean, and I don't do those things. I do listen to people. I respect people that I have interactions with. WINFREY: OK, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. LAUREN: So this is where I said I'm like two people in one. Mr. ZUKAV: What I'd like to do for a moment is to leave all of that and go to a deeper level of looking at this, and what I'm suggesting to you and to our viewers at home and to all of us here is that in a moment of judging someone else, you are in a moment of feeling powerless. LAUREN: Yes. That's... Mr. ZUKAV: And that is the core, painful experience, the feeling of being without power. LAUREN: Boy, that's right on the nose. Mr. ZUKAV: Now to try to ease that feeling or to assuage that very painful feeling, which most people, by the way, do not take the time to become aware of because it is so painful--instead, they judge, they lash out, they react--which is a way to keep them from feeling how painful the experience of powerlessness is. But as you reach out in your judgments or in your actions to change other people, it is to try to make yourself feel powerful yourself, or at least adequate to be on the Earth yourself. This is the pursuit of external power, the ability to manipulate and to control. Through your judgments, you are trying to change someone else. Through your actions, when you act in judgment, you are trying to change someone else so that you, yourself, can feel better. WINFREY: You get that? LAUREN: No. WINFREY: OK. Mr. ZUKAV: Then--then let me explain this in... WINFREY: Anybody else get that? OK. Mr. ZUKAV: Did you get it? That in a moment of judgment, you are feeling powerless. WINFREY: You got that. LAUREN: I got that. WINFREY: OK. Mr. ZUKAV: To feel powerless is painful. So the first step in challenging your judgment is to begin to feel what you are experiencing in that moment of judgment, to feel what you are experiencing. And I will assure you that what you are experiencing is very painful. WINFREY: OK. Now when he says `painful,' for you, that might mean just being out of control. For you that might mean not having things go the way you want to, and you're so accustomed to having things operate the way you want them to operate and that is painful for you to be in that situ--because I know, I can tell a lot of people are going, `Painful? Let's see, do I feel pain?' Mr. ZUKAV: Let me be specific then. WINFREY: OK. Be specific. Mr. ZUKAV: By painful, I mean your body hurts. I mean physical pain. If you will make the effort--and it will take quite a bit of effort sometimes--to feel what you are actually feeling instead of expressing yourself, instead of slamming your hands down or saying `What are you doing?' or acting out, you will find that all those acting out are ways to distract your attention from how much pain, physical pain, is in your body. It's here, it's here, it's here. WINFREY: Is it pain or is it anxiety? Mr. ZUKAV: It is pain. WINFREY: OK. Mr. ZUKAV: It is physical pain. WINFREY: OK. Mr. ZUKAV: In--in--in other words... WINFREY: Is it pain or is it discomfort? Because pain--when I think of pain, I think of somebody--you know, you hit your hand on the thing and that's painful. So that's... Mr. ZUKAV: That's right. When--when you take the time to see what you're really feeling... WINFREY: OK. Mr. ZUKAV: ...you will see that sometimes you feel as though someone has kicked you in the stomach. WINFREY: OK. Mr. ZUKAV: It's that painful. And anxiety is what is--we think it's an emotion. It is an emotion if you want to look at it that way, but it is accompanied by physical sensations and certain kinds of thoughts. WINFREY: But you don't feel that because you immediately go into into--huh! Right. Mr. ZUKAV: Exactly. Exactly. So the first step is to begin to feel what you are experiencing, to become conscious of everything that you are feeling... WINFREY: I got that. Mr. ZUKAV: ...every moment. And as you judge, you distract yourself from what you are feeling. As you lash out at someone, you distract yourself from what you are feeling. That is the pursuit of external power. WINFREY: OK. Mr. ZUKAV: You're feeling powerless, and you... WINFREY: Do you all get that? Is everybody with us? Mr. ZUKAV: ...reach out to someone else. WINFREY: If you're not with us, would you say you're not? OK. Nobody's going to admit it now. They're like, `We're with you. We're with you.' Are--are you--are you following us? Yeah. Mr. ZUKAV: You know how painful it is for you to be judged. LAUREN: Yes. Mr. ZUKAV: If you can remember when you are judging others that that is the experience that you are generating in others, that will begin to change you. And if you can remember, in a moment of being judged by others, how you feel when you are judging, that also will begin to loosen you up, limber you up, because if you have standards that you hold everyone else to, you are judging yourself in the same ruthless way. And that's a painful way to live. And what I want to say again is that the very act of judging is a way of keeping you from feeling what is happening inside of yourself. Whenever you encounter someone who is judging, whether it's you or anyone else, that person is in pain. And if it's you, you can verify what I am saying yourself. Stop what you are doing and feel inside, feel what you are feeling in the area of your stomach, feel what you are feeling in the area of your chest, feel what you are feeling in your head. Notice what thoughts you are thinking. That's--they will come with the sensations, but focus on the physical sensations, and you will see that when I say feeling powerless is a painful experience, you will begin to be able to literally flesh that out. WINFREY: Coming up, this young woman says she is a perfectionist who criticizes others when they don't put the same effort into things that she does. You're shaking your head, too. Next, what happened when her friends admitted that they keep a distance because she's too judgmental. Back in a moment. ♪♪♪♪ ♪♪♪♪ WINFREY: If you are critical of someone else, Gary says try this: Put yourself in that person's shoes. Once you begin to see through their eyes, then your perception will change. This is a way to challenge your urge to criticize or judge. Perhaps you will feel compassion for that person instead of disdain. As you do this more and more, you gain strength and power and Gary says this is one of the keys to a more joyful life. Well, if you're going to put yourself in somebody's shoes, you have to also put yourself in the whole shoe, because most people just put themselves--you know what I'm saying? You just put yourself in what you see. But you don't know a person's life story, you don't know their back story, you don't know their pain, you don't know their struggles. You don't know what has caused them to react the way they do. So if you're going to put yourself in somebody's shoes, you need to put yourself in the full shoe. Mr. ZUKAV: Even if you feel you can put yourself in the full shoe, in terms of identifying or empathizing with how they're feeling... WINFREY: Yeah. Mr. ZUKAV: ...still, you do not know the complexity of another person. WINFREY: You don't. Mr. ZUKAV: You do not know the innumerable lines of force that are converging in a single moment of anger. WINFREY: For them. Mr. ZUKAV: For them. WINFREY: Right. Mr. ZUKAV: You do not know all that is coming to pass. You do not know what is being balanced and what is being healed. You do not know enough to judge another person. And so when you judge another person, you create negative consequences for yourself. This does not mean that you do not respond... WINFREY: Got it. Mr. ZUKAV: ...appropriately. WINFREY: Yeah, I just said sometimes you can leave the jerks alone, not to be judgmental, of course. Now meet Kendra. She says her high standards have helped her succeed. But she's frustrated by people who don't live up to her expectations. Her friends have called her judgmental, and until recently, she says she didn't realize how much her negative attitude affects her life and her relationships. Well, everything you do is affecting your life and relationships. That's the whole point of this show. Take a look. KENDRA: I am a perfectionist, and I do have really high expectations of myself and other people. From a very young age, it was very important for me to excel and be really good at what I did, and I did a lot of activities, such as track, swimming, softball, color guard. When I was in college, I graduated in three years as the valedictorian of the marketing class with a 3.97. I have such high standards for myself that I sometimes put those standards on other people and say, `Well, why can't they do that?' If they're going to complain, `I'm overweight,' well, they should go to the gym like I go to the gym. I'll judge someone in the gym class because they don't know how to do the moves right. I'm very critical about people's logic of the way that they do things. One of the things that really annoys me is my roommates, they can't even hang up the phone after they call directory assistance and dial the number, which costs us $1.05. It's the people that I'm closest to and that I'm most intimate with that I judge the harshest. My friend Christina gets upset with me when she comes to me with a problem or an issue and instead of listening to her, I make a quick judgment. CHRISTINA: Well, I think that she expects everyone to have the same standards that she does. KENDRA: I just think that you spend your money on things that aren't really as important, and then when something really good comes along, you don't have any money. And I'm just saying if you just cut out those things that aren't as important, then you will have enough money. CHRISTINA: But tho--those things are important to you. It might not be as important to me. A lot of times I won't tell Kendra something because she'll think that she has to fix it by determining a program that I need to follow. KENDRA: I was a little bit surprised when she told me that she didn't feel comfortable talking to me about certain things. And I realized that because of me being so judgmental, I've put the strain on our relationship. It is ironic because I judge people based on certain things that they do, and I don't want them to do that to me, and so I do my best to hide that stuff from them. I think that we're meant to love each other on this Earth and to care for each other and accept each other, and when I don't do that, you know, it hurts me because I'm not here to judge people. It's not what I'm here to do. WINFREY: Well, we're going to take a break and talk to Kendra when we come back. ♪♪♪♪ ♪♪♪♪ WINFREY: Gary says if you are harsh with others, you are harsh with yourself. If you do not allow others to be who they are, you're not allowing yourself to be who you are. Judging does not bring you joy. It brings you pain, and it blocks you from giving the gifts you were born to give. So what did you want to say to Kendra? Mr. ZUKAV: What I'd like to say to Kendra and to everyone else who is watching us is this: Take this moment now to go as deeply as you can. By that, I mean realize that every moment of judgment that you may think is the cause of your judgment and your pain is not. It's just a trigger. Whether it is a telephone bill that your roommate didn't pay, a rude way that someone is driving, an injustice to an entire people, inside you will find that these events are triggers for a recurring psychological, emotional dynamic in yourself. That psychological emotional dynamic and energetic dynamic in yourself is one of feeling powerless. And when you encounter one trigger after the other after the other, you can try to change that trigger and change this trigger and change that trigger, but until you find in yourself the root of this painful experience, it will continue to recur in your life. Now this is good news because this is why you were born, to find the roots of the recurring painful experiences in your life and heal them at their roots. And you cannot do that by attempting to change other people, and judgment is an attempt to change another person. There is much more to this process, but that is the beginning. And until you have the determination and the courage to begin to look at yourself with clarity... WINFREY: What am I feeling? Mr. ZUKAV: Yes, and to feel what you are feeling, you will con... WINFREY: Because didn't you say--wasn't it you who said that feelings are the path to your own spiritual growth? Mr. ZUKAV: Yes, you must become aware of what you are feeling, not repress what you are feeling or suppress, but to feel what you are feeling, and I'm talking now in a physical way. What does your body feel like? And as you start on this process, you can become aware of yourself. WINFREY: You're shaking your head, Kendra, because? KENDRA: Well, I have terrible, terrible back pain up here. I'm 23 years old. I'm healthy. I work out. And when I was in college, I thought, `Well, college is really stressful. It's the stress from college.' And then when I started working, I thought `Well, it's this company,' and I moved companies, and it's following me. So I--I really hear what you're saying, because I think it is causing physical pain in my body, you know, muscle tightness. It--it is painful, and I guess I need to realize that and... Mr. ZUKAV: Yes. Self-responsibility is what we're talking about, and that is at the heart of a spiritual path, emotional awareness, self-responsibility and conscious intentions. You are doing none of those things in a moment of judgment or anger, and that is what you can wake up to, the fact that you are not aware of what you are feeling; that you're not aware of your intentions. If you were, you probably wouldn't hold those intentions toward other people, because you don't like it when they hold those intentions to you, and taking responsibility for what you are feeling. When you judge another person, you are attempting to make that other person responsible for what you are feeling, and that is always something that you do in a moment of pain. LAUREN: I'm wondering if I'm having a light bulb moment. So when someone outwardly is judging me and my initial response is to judge back, you're saying that instead of that, just accept--to take what they're doing or saying and go inside and just experience the feeling and--and deal with the feeling inside, but--but don't put back judgment on them. I'm... Mr. ZUKAV: That's the first step, yes. Stop, instead of doing what you're habitually accustomed to doing... LAUREN: Right. Mr. ZUKAV: ...which is judging or lashing out or fixing someone--stop and see what you are feeling and that is where you will encounter pain, sometimes so much pain that you will immediately start to judge or fix somebody or lash out again. But as you begin to practice and to implement your intention to look inside yourself and to become aware of what you are feeling, then you are on a path that can lead you somewhere that is constructive, positive and joyful. WINFREY: Coming up, Remembering Your Spirit. ♪♪♪♪ ♪♪♪♪ WINFREY: Anne Starke from Oregon wrote us about an experience she had that taught her a critical life lesson. One time, Anne says, office gossip and sly criticisms made her feel superior to others, but then she realized that judging others was also just kind of nipping away at her life, destroying her. Take a look at how she made a shift that almost instantly made her life more joyful. Look. Ms. ANNE STARKE: I'm a customer service representative. I answer the phone and take complaints. I was very judgmental about other people. I used to complain and gossip with my gossip buddies. Everybody's personality flaw was subject to our scrutiny. It's not difficult to find people that are willing to talk negatively about other people, because they get to feel like they're better. They get to feel like they're part of a little conspiracy. It ruined my attitude about my job and about where I worked. I'd go home with a sense of shame about my day. There was one woman in my office that I judged pretty harshly. Her name is Annette. One day we heard that her 13-year-old son had been killed in a hunting accident, and at that point I was overwhelmed with guilt. I realized I had been talking about a person that I didn't know. I didn't know anything about the circumstances of her life or what she might be struggling with. I made the decision not to speak negatively about people again. When I stopped judging her, I saw that she had a lot of good qualities that I hadn't seen before, and I saw her differently. Ms. STARKE: I had so much more compassion for her. When someone would criticize me, I would feel like they were telling me that I was not smart, and comparing myself to other people made me feel better about myself. It made me feel less stupid. It's been a great transformation since I decided to stop talking negatively. I feel a lot more compassion now. I put myself in their shoes, and now I'm--I'm so much more accepting of myself. Ms. STARKE: Reconnecting with my spirit led me to want to start singing again. That's something that feeds my spirit. In any performance situation, there's a lot of opportunity to be critical and judgmental, but I have made the decision not to do that, and I'm much more accepting of other people and their efforts. I believe that being negative hurts you on the inside. It causes harm. And I believe that that has repercussions in all areas of your life. Being less critical has affected all of my relationships. It's been wonderful. It's changed my life. No longer do I go home with a sense of shame. It feels great to be able to hold my head up. WINFREY: Thank you, Anne. We will be right back. WINFREY: I want to say thank you to--to Lauren and Kendra and Gary. All right, bye. ♪♪♪♪ [APPLAUSE]
