Woman: FOR MOST OF MY LIFE, I WOULD WAKE UP ANGRY EVERY DAY. THE SLIGHTEST THINGS USED TO SET ME OFF. MY ANGER WAS OUT OF CONTROL. GARY ZUKAV EXPLORES ANGER. IT'S EMOTION THAT WILL SHOW YOU WHEN YOU ARE NOT LOOKING AT YOUR LIFE. MORE AND MORE RESENTMENT BEGINS TO BUILD AND THEN IT EXPLODES AND BECOMES A VOLCANO. PEOPLE DO NOT REALIZE THEY'RE ANGRY BECAUSE YOUR RAGE IS SO DISGUISED. MY ANGER WAS RIGHT ON THE SURFACE, AND IT WAS THERE FOR ABOUT THREE DECADES. IF ANYONE HAD SUGGESTED SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO ME, IT ONLY WOULD HAVE MADE ME ANGRY. I WOULD HAVE TOLD THEM TO MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS. YOU COULDN'T HAVE EVEN WATCHED YOUR OWN SHOW RIGHT NOW. COULD NOT HAVE. IF I CAN CHANGE FROM WHO I WAS INTO WHO I AM, ANYONE CAN. GARY ZUKAV, NEXT. HERE WE GO. SAY IT, Y'ALL. [ LAUGHTER ] RUN ON, RUN ON LOVE THAT! RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN RUN ON, RUN ON DON'T EVER GIVE UP RUN ON, RUN ON MWAH! OH, MY GOODNESS. YES. RUN ON, RUN ON SING, Y'ALL. RUN ON, RUN ON [ APPLAUSE ] HAVE A SEAT. SO WHO AMONG YOU HERE IS A PEOPLE PLEASER? OH, BOY. I HAD THIS DISEASE ONCE. PEOPLE PLEASERS WHO CAN'T SAY, "NO," BECAUSE THEY WANT EVERYBODY TO SEE HOW NICE THEY ARE MAY NOT REALIZE IT, BUT LURKING BEHIND YOUR SMILING FACES -- BECAUSE ALL OF YOU SMILE. DID YOU SEE THEM WHEN THEY RAISED THEIR HANDS, THEY WENT, "I AM." LURKING BEHIND THE SMILING FACES OFTEN, NOT ALWAYS, BUT OFTEN IS A DEEP-SEATED ANGER. CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT? OR CAN'T IMAGINE IT? OKAY. AND THE DISEASE TO PLEASE ISN'T THE ONLY PLACE WHERE ANGER HIDES. RAGE IS ALSO BURIED BEHIND JEALOUSY AND YOUR IMPATIENCE AND YOUR GUILT AND ESPECIALLY YOUR DEPRESSION. AUTHOR GARY ZUKAV IS BACK WITH US, AND HE SAYS, "IN MANY CASES, PEOPLE DO NOT REALIZE THEY'RE ANGRY." I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE WHEN I JUST SAID THAT ABOUT PEOPLE PLEASING ESPECIALLY DON'T REALIZE IT BECAUSE YOUR RAGE IS SO DISGUISED. HOW IS THAT SO, GARY? IT'S SO IN MANY WAYS, BUT BEFORE WE TALK ABOUT ANGER, I WANT TO SAY THAT I'M NOT A PSYCHOLOGIST, I'M NOT A THERAPIST, AND I DO NOT SEE MY POSITION HERE AS ONE OF ATTEMPTING TO HEAL YOU EVEN IF I THOUGHT THAT I COULD. AND I ALSO WANT TO SAY THAT I DON'T WANT TO GIVE THE IMPRESSION THAT ANGER IN ANY CASE, IN ANY INSTANCE IS A NEGATIVE PHENOMENON. MM-HMM. BUT IN MOST CASES, ANGER IS AN EXPRESSION OF SOMETHING ELSE, AND THAT SOMETHING ELSE IS CREATING PAINFUL CONSEQUENCES IN YOUR LIFE. AND UNTIL YOU FIND WHAT THAT SOMETHING ELSE IS AND HEAL IT, YOU WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE PAINFUL CONSEQUENCES IN YOUR LIFE. AND THAT'S WHERE AN EXPLORATION OF ANGER AND YOUR OWN EMOTIONS IS EXTREMELY VALUABLE BECAUSE THIS IS ONE OF THE STEPS IN SPIRITUAL GROWTH. AS YOU BEGIN TO BECOME EMOTIONALLY AWARE, AWARE OF EVERYTHING THAT YOU ARE FEELING -- AND WE LOOK AT ANGER IN THIS CASE -- THEN YOU ARE ON A SPIRITUAL PATH, AND THAT'S WHAT GIVES ME EXTRAORDINARY JOY. WOW. SO MANY E-MAILS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE BECAUSE SO MANY PEOPLE CONNECTED TO THE FACT THAT THEIR FEELINGS OF ANGER AND JEALOUSY ESPECIALLY WERE COMING OUT OF A FEARFUL PLACE. THAT IT REALLY WAS FEAR MASQUERADING AS ANGER OR FEAR MASQUERADING AS JEALOUSY. SO MUCH SO THAT I THINK A LOT OF OUR GUESTS TODAY CAME FROM SO MANY OF THOSE E-MAILS. SO YOU REALLY CONNECTED WITH PEOPLE IN A WAY. YES, AND FOR ME, IT'S NOT ANGER MASQUERADING "AS," IT'S MORE ANGER MASKING. MM-HMM. BECAUSE BENEATH ANGER IS SOMETHING SO PAINFUL, IN FACT, SOME THINGS, PLURAL, SO PAINFUL OR SHAMEFUL THAT IT'S MUCH EASIER TO DEAL WITH THE ANGER THAN IT IS TO DEAL WITH THOSE THINGS. SO WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU SOME OTHER PEOPLE'S STORIES TODAY, NOT SO YOU CAN BE A VOYEUR, BUT HOPEFULLY SO THAT YOU WILL BEGIN TO ASK YOURSELF YOUR OWN QUESTIONS ABOUT WHERE YOUR ANGER COMES FROM AND WHAT CAUSES IT AND WHAT IT IS MASKING. THIS IS JOANIE. AND SHE SHARES A MAJOR FRUSTRATION I KNOW THAT A LOT OF YOU HAVE. JOANIE FEELS PRESSURE TO BE "EVERYTHING TO EVERYBODY," SHE SAYS. THE PERFECT MOM, THE PERFECT WIFE, THE PERFECT EMPLOYEE. MEANWHILE, SHE SAYS, HER PENT-UP ANGER IS TAKING A TOLL ON HER AND ALSO HER FAMILY. TAKE A LOOK AT JOANIE'S STORY AND SEE HOW YOU RELATE. Joanie: I HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE. I FEEL LIKE I HAVE IT ALL. I HAVE CAREER, I HAVE A FAMILY, I HAVE A LOVING HUSBAND, YET I FEEL VERY ANGRY. I'M TRYING TO FILL SO MANY ROLES OF BEING THE CAREER WOMAN, BEING THE BREADWINNER, BEING THE MOTHER, BEING THE WIFE, AND I FEEL ANGRY ALL THE TIME ABOUT TRYING TO DO IT ALL. I WOULD, YOU KNOW, GO TO MY GRAVE PROBABLY BEFORE I WOULD TELL SOMEBODY, "YOU KNOW, I JUST CAN'T TAKE ON THAT RESPONSIBILITY RIGHT NOW." I THINK PART OF IT MIGHT BE THAT SHE'S STILL, IN A WAY, TRYING TO REACH OUT A LITTLE BIT FOR ACCEPTANCE. THE PERSONA THAT I, YOU KNOW, EMIT IS A VERY CONFIDENT, SELF-ASSURED PERSON, BUT YET I THINK I AM ALWAYS STRUGGLING WITH THE SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES. I PUSH PEOPLE AWAY. YOU KNOW, I GAVE OFF THIS IMAGE OF, YOU KNOW, "HERE'S MY WALL, DON'T COME PAST IT." MY HUSBAND DEFINITELY GETS THE BRUNT OF MY ANGER. I BASICALLY WALK IN THE DOOR AND START BITING HIS HEAD OFF. SHE'LL RAISE HER VOICE AND START TO GET ANGRY AND IF SHE DOES, EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, I'LL LOOK AT HER AND I'LL GO, "STOP." Joanie: IT HAS AFFECTED OUR SEXUAL LIFE THE PAST YEAR AND A HALF. WE'VE GROWN APART. I DON'T FEEL LIKE I CAN HAVE THAT TYPE OF INTIMACY WITH SOMEBODY THAT I'M ANGRY AT. YOU KNOW, THE PERSON THAT I THOUGHT WAS ONCE MY BEST FRIEND IS NOT MY BEST FRIEND ANYMORE. I DON'T THINK THAT, YOU KNOW, OUR MARRIAGE CAN CONTINUE TO GROW, AND OUR FAMILY CAN CONTINUE TO GROW UNLESS I CAN CONTROL MY ANGER. IS PART OF WHAT YOU'RE FEELING, TOO, A WAY OF -- I KNOW YOU SAID TO PRODUCERS THAT YOUR ANGER'S A WAY TO AVOID FEELING YOUR EMOTIONS FOR YOU. YES, I BELIEVE SO. MM-HMM. THAT WAY I CAN JUST -- I'M PROTECTING MYSELF. MM-HMM. THIS IS JOANIE'S HUSBAND, JOE, WHO SAYS THEY RECENTLY TOOK A VACATION TO CELEBRATE THEIR FIFTH ANNIVERSARY, BUT INSTEAD OF RELAXING, THEY FOUGHT THE WHOLE TIME. YEAH. I WAS TRYING TOO HARD. I KNEW, YOU KNOW, IT WAS ALMOST LIKE A BRIDGE THAT WE HAD TO CROSS. WE KNEW WE NEEDED THIS VACATION. WE KNEW WE NEEDED TO KIND OF SPARK OUR RELATIONSHIP BACK, AND I WENT, FOR LACK OF BETTER TERMINOLOGY, I WENT OVERBOARD. I TRIED TOO HARD, AND IT ENDED UP, YOU KNOW, FALLING APART AROUND US. YEAH. AND CAN YOU NOW -- HAVE YOU READ GARY'S BOOK, "SEAT OF THE SOUL"? JUST GOT IT AND JUST STARTING TO GET INTO IT. OKAY, BECAUSE CAN YOU SEE WHAT THAT WAS? THAT IS CLASSIC SEEKING EXTERNAL POWER. OH, ABSOLUTELY, YEAH. THAT IS LOOKING FOR THE VACATION MOMENT, THE TRIP, THE HOTEL ROOM, THE WHATEVER TO FIX WHAT'S BEEN... EXACTLY. AND ONE SPARK ONE DAY IS NOT GOING TO TURN THINGS AROUND. WE'VE GOT TO WORK AT IT. AND WE JUST -- I THINK I EXPECTED, "OKAY, THIS IS GONNA BE IT. THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT. THIS IS GONNA TURN EVERYTHING AROUND. WE'RE GONNA COME BACK FROM THIS TRIP, AND EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE AND HAPPY," AND IT WASN'T. YEAH. THERE'S NOTHING IN MY EXPERIENCE IN MY LIFE OR YOUR LIFE THAT WILL BE FIXED THAT QUICKLY BECAUSE THESE DYNAMICS THAT COME UP -- ANGER, RAGE, JEALOUSY ARE SIGNIFICANT. THEY ARE SIGNIFICANT SPIRITUALLY BECAUSE THEY ARE OFFERING TO YOU THOSE PARTS OF YOUR PERSONALITY THAT NEED TO BE HEALED. WELL, JOANIE, DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW TO IDENTIFY THE FEARS BEHIND YOUR ANGER, ISN'T THAT TRUE? YES, AND LIKE SO MANY OTHER WOMEN, THE SHOW THAT YOU SPOKE ABOUT FEAR SPOKE TO ME, AS WELL. I HAD WRITTEN THE LETTER BEFORE I SAW THAT SHOW, BUT I DID THINK THEN WHEN I SAW IT THAT I MUST HAVE SOME UNDERLYING FEARS THAT I'M AFRAID TO FACE. OKAY, HOW DOES SHE BEGIN TO DO THAT, GARY, IS WHAT SHE WANTS TO KNOW? FIRST, FEEL YOUR ANGER. AND THEN IF YOU NEED A QUESTION TO ASK LIKE YOU ASK WHAT QUESTION, ASK "WHAT IS FRIGHTENING ME?" OR "WHAT IS SO PAINFUL TO ME THAT I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT IT?" "WHAT IS SO PAINFUL TO ME THAT IT IS DRIVING ME INTO BEING AN ACHIEVER? THAT IT IS DRIVING ME INTO BEING A PLEASER?" BECAUSE UNDERNEATH ALL OF THESE THINGS -- ACHIEVING AND PLEASING -- IF THERE'S AN ELEMENT OF FEAR INVOLVED IS A BUILD-UP OF ANGER. ANGER WILL DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION TO SOMETHING DEEPER. SO IF YOU SET THE ORIENTATION IN YOURSELF OR THE INTENTION TO LOOK FOR OR OPEN YOURSELF FOR THE POSSIBILITY THAT THERE IS SOMETHING DEEPER AT WORK IN YOU IN A MOMENT OF ANGER, THAT'S THE SPIRITUAL PATH. IT'S SO VERY EASY TO SAY, "THERE'S NOTHING DEEPER IN IT THAN THIS." "THIS FELLOW ABUSED ME." "THIS FELLOW LIED TO ME." "THIS PERSON SAID SHE WOULD DO SOMETHING AND SHE DIDN'T, AND I'M ANGRY." IF YOU STOP THERE, YOU WON'T STOP THERE, YOU'LL CONTINUE TO DO THE SAME THING AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. THE SITUATION WILL CHANGE, THE PERSON WILL CHANGE, BUT THE DYNAMIC WON'T CHANGE. AND IT WILL CONTINUE TO CREATE PAINFUL CIRCUMSTANCES IN YOUR LIFE UNTIL YOU CHANGE IT. AND THAT MEANS BEGINNING TO OPEN YOURSELF TO WHAT IS BENEATH YOUR ANGER. COMING UP, THIS MOM SAYS SHE IS JEALOUS OF PEOPLE WHO SEEM HAPPY AND HAVE MORE THAN SHE DOES. HOW SHE CAN GET PAST HER ANGER WHEN WE COME BACK. Oprah: YOUR ATTITUDES REFLECT YOUR INTENTIONS. IF YOU ARE ANGRY, FEARFUL, RESENTFUL, OR VENGEFUL, YOUR INTENTION IS TO KEEP PEOPLE AT A DISTANCE. YOUR INTENTIONS CREATE THE REALITY THAT YOU EXPERIENCE, THEREFORE, BE MINDFUL OF WHAT YOU PROJECT. THAT IS THE FIRST STEP TO AUTHENTIC POWER. FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT, I'M TELLING YOU, THAT SENTENCE FROM THAT BOOK CHANGED MY LIFE IN "SEAT OF THE SOUL." IT'S WHEN I STARTED TO LOOK AT MY LIFE AND WHAT WAS GOING ON, AND RECOGNIZING THAT WHATEVER WAS GOING ON AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, I HAD HELPED CREATE BY WHAT I HAD THOUGHT AND INTENDED PRIOR TO THAT MOMENT. THAT'S A HARD THING TO REALIZE WHEN YOU'RE IN THE MIDST OF, YOU KNOW, CHAOS, OR YOU'RE IN THE MIDST OF THINGS NOT GOING THE WAY YOU WANT THEM TO TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHATEVER IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW, I AM SOMEHOW A PARTNER IN IT. I HAVE A PARTNERSHIP, A CO-CREATERSHIP. THAT IS THE DIAMOND. THAT IS THE CORE OF SPIRITUAL AWAKENING. I KNOW! SIMPLE AS THAT. BOING, THAT'S BIG. THAT'S BIG. SO BIG. IT IS SO BIG TO RECOGNIZE REGARDLESS OF WHAT IT IS. SO THIS IS VICKY. SHE SAID SHE IS JEALOUS OF THOSE WHO HAVE MORE THAN SHE DOES. RIGHT? RIGHT. WELL, YOU MUST JUST MAKE YOURSELF CRAZY. I DO. WELL, AND I CAN REALLY SEE FROM THE FIRST SEGMENT, THE PEOPLE PLEASING IS SYMPTOMATIC OF THAT BECAUSE SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY, IN MY PEOPLE PLEASING, I LOST THE ABILITY TO BE ABLE TO SAY TO MYSELF, "I DID DO A GOOD JOB. I DO HAVE THINGS AROUND ME, AND AN ENVIRONMENT AND LOVING PEOPLE THAT I OVERLOOK NOW BECAUSE I TEND TO LOOK OUTSIDE FOR IT ALL." AND IT'S NOT THE MATERIAL THAT I'M REALLY LOOKING AT, IT'S WHAT I PERCEIVE TO BE OTHER PEOPLE'S HAPPINESS THAT I SOMEHOW LOST THAT ABILITY TO RECOGNIZE WITHIN MYSELF OR ALLOW MYSELF TO EXPERIENCE AS I HAVE GONE THROUGH LIFE. IT'S A REALLY EMPTY FEELING. I'VE LOST A CONNECTION WITH MYSELF ALONG THE WAY. AND I REALLY BELIEVE AT ONE POINT I HAD IT. YOU DID. AND IT DISAPPEARED, AND I REALLY WISH I KNEW AT THE POINT, YOU KNOW, TO GO BACK, CORRECT, REPAIR, YOU KNOW, FIX, AND THAT HASN'T HAPPENED. AND IT'S A LOST FEELING. THE IMPORTANT THING FOR ME WOULDN'T BE WHAT HAPPENED OR HOW TO GO BACK AND REPAIR IT, THE QUESTION IS, "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT NOW?" NOW. AND THIS LACK OF MEANING, THIS SEEKING HAPPINESS BY TRYING TO FIND IT OUTSIDE IS AT THE VERY HEART OF EVERYTHING THAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT. THAT'S WHY WE HAVE A SHOW THAT LOOKS AT ANGER BECAUSE AS YOU PLEASE PEOPLE AND YOU PLEASE PEOPLE AND YOU DISTORT WHO YOU ARE TO DO THAT, MORE AND MORE RESENTMENT BEGINS TO BUILD, AND THEN IT EXPLODES AND BECOMES A VOLCANO. AND ANYONE CAN RECOGNIZE THAT AS ANGER OR RAGE, BUT CAN YOU GO -- CAN YOU OPEN YOURSELF TO THE POSSIBILITY THAT THAT ANGER IS SHOWING YOU SOMETHING DEEPER TO LOOK AT? IN OTHER WORDS, THE REVELATORY MOMENT, AS YOU PUT IT, OPRAH, IS THAT MOMENT WHEN SOMEONE CAN SAY, "THERE'S MORE TO THIS THAN WHAT I THOUGHT BEFORE." AND THERE ALWAYS IS MORE TO IT IF YOU'RE ANGRY. AND THERE ALWAYS IS MORE. OR WHEN A PERSON CAN SAY, "MY LIFE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS." MM-HMM. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ANGRY. I'VE NEVER EVEN KNOWN ANOTHER WAY EXCEPT TO BE ANGRY OR TO BE A PLEASER. I CAN SHARE THIS WITH YOU -- HAVING RECOVERED FROM BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER AND WAS ONE FOR MOST OF MY ADULT LIFE THAT IT REALLY... AND I USED TO THINK I AM NOT -- WAS NOT A PERSON WHO EVER EXPRESSED ANGER. I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T EVEN GET ANGRY. I DON'T GET ANGRY." YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE YOU'RE SO BUSY PLEASING OTHER PEOPLE. RIGHT. SO PEOPLE PLEASERS ARE ABSOLUTELY THE WORST AT REPRESSION BECAUSE YOU'RE SO AFRAID -- YOU'RE FEARFUL OF MAKING SOMEBODY ELSE ANGRY, SO YOU REPRESS WHATEVER THAT IS, AND JUST SORT OF CARRY THAT AROUND. FOR ME, I WOULD EAT IT, LITERALLY, AND CARRY THAT AROUND. THE KEY FOR ME, THE BIG REVELATION FOR ME WAS REALIZING I DID NOT HAVE TO PROVE TO OTHER PEOPLE I WAS NICE, DECIDE FOR YOURSELF, ARE YOU OR NOT? ARE YOU OR NOT? I AM. I THINK I'M A GENEROUS, LOVING PERSON... WELL, THEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING TO PROVE THAT TO ANYBODY ELSE. AND SO I SPENT A LOT OF TIME, I'VE SAID THIS ON THE SHOW BEFORE, THAT ONE DAY I WAS, YOU KNOW, IN THIS WHOLE BIG THING ABOUT TRYING TO DO 15 DIFFERENT THINGS FOR 20 DIFFERENT PEOPLE, AND I WAS SAYING -- STEDMAN SAID, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT TO YOURSELF?" AND I SAID, "BECAUSE IF I DON'T, THEY'RE GONNA THINK I'M NOT NICE." -RIGHT. -AND HE SAID, "YOU'RE NOT NICE." [ LAUGHTER ] -THAT'S WHAT MY HUSBAND SAYS. -I'M LIKE, "NOT NICE. I'M THE NICEST PERSON I KNOW, STEDMAN." AND I'M LIKE SAYING, "ASK THIS PERSON, THEY'LL TELL YOU HOW NICE I AM." AND THEN HE SAID, "BUT YOU'RE NOT", YOU KNOW, "YOU MAY BE KIND OR GENEROUS, BUT YOU ARE NOT NICE." SO THEN HE TOLD ME ALL THE PEOPLE HE THOUGHT WERE NICE, AND THEN I REALIZED, "WELL, NICE ISN'T REALLY SOMETHING THAT I WANT AS A DESCRIPTION OF MYSELF." I WOULD RATHER BE LOYAL OR KIND OR GENEROUS OR GIVING, BUT NICE, YOU KNOW, IN THE END SORT OF MEANS YOU'RE KIND OF DOING WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE WANTS YOU TO DO. -RIGHT. -AND THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED. MM-HMM. SO YOU'VE GOT TO DECIDE FOR YOURSELF WHAT IT IS. YOU DECIDE THE KIND OF PERSON YOU WANT TO BE. AND ONCE YOU HAVE MADE THE DECISION ABOUT THAT, THEN OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINION ABOUT WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU DO WILL NO LONGER MATTER. -MM-HMM. -WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. Oprah: WITH EACH RECURRENCE OF ANGER OR JEALOUSY OR FEAR, YOU ARE GIVEN THE CHOICE TO CHALLENGE IT OR TO GIVE INTO IT. EACH TIME YOU CHALLENGE IT, IT LOSES POWER AND YOU GAIN POWER. EACH TIME YOU ARE TEMPTED TO BECOME ANGRY OR JEALOUS OR FEARFUL AND YOU CHALLENGE THAT FEELING, YOU EMPOWER YOURSELF. WELL, I WAS JUST SAYING TO GARY AND TO THE AUDIENCE HERE, THE COMMONALITY OF THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE THAT I'VE LEARNED OVER, I DON'T KNOW, HOW MANY THOUSANDS OF SHOWS AND LISTENING TO EVERYBODY -- EVERY POSSIBLE CONCEIVABLE PROBLEM IN THE WORLD IS AT THE ROOT OF ALL OF IT, ANGER, DEPRESSION, JEALOUSY, ABUSE, EVERY VICE IS WANTING A SENSE OF VALIDATION AND WORTHINESS. SO WHEN YOU START TO PEEL BACK THE LAYERS, WHEN YOU START TO ASK YOURSELF THE QUESTION, "WHAT IT IS THAT FRIGHTENS ME?" OR ASK YOURSELF, "WHY IS IT THAT I FEEL THE NEED TO PLEASE?" AND EVEN FOR ME, I CURED THE DISEASE TO PLEASE BY -- THROUGH YOUR BOOK AROUND 1989, 1990 WHEN I STARTED TO LOOK AT, "WHAT IS MY INTENTION? WHAT IS MY INTENTION?" SO BEFORE I TAKE ANY ACTION, I WILL LOOK AT MY INTENTION. BUT BENEATH THE SURFACE OF ALL THE PROBLEMS AS FAR AS I CAN SEE IN THESE THOUSANDS OF SHOWS IS EVERYBODY IS LOOKING TO BE VALIDATED. EVERYBODY IS LOOKING TO SAY TO THEMSELVES, "THERE IS A REASON FOR ME TO BE LOVED." "THERE'S A REASON FOR ME TO BE LOVED." ISN'T THAT THE TRUTH? THOUSANDS OF SHOWS AND THOUSANDS OF YEARS, THIS IS THE CORE ISSUE. IN OTHER WORDS, IT'S A SENSE OF UNWORTHINESS. YES. AND YET, IT'S MUCH MORE THAN THAT. IT'S A SENSE OF FEAR. FEAR TO BE ALIVE. FEAR THAT YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO DO WHAT'S EXPECTED OF YOU. FEAR THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE WORTHY. EXACTLY. FEAR THAT YOU ARE NOT WORTHY. EXACTLY. THAT'S WHAT IT IS. SO TO SAY THAT WE, THE HUMAN SPECIES, ARE INSECURE IS TO STATE THE OBVIOUS. THE QUESTION IS, "WHAT SHALL WE DO ABOUT IT?" SO IF YOUR ANGER IS RIGHT UP THERE ON THE SURFACE, THAT MEANS -- THAT'S AN OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO SEE THAT AND TO START WORKING ON THAT, NOT ON WHAT APPEARS TO MAKE YOU ANGRY IN THE MOMENT. THAT'S RIGHT. NOW, MY ANGER WAS RIGHT ON THE SURFACE, AND IT WAS THERE FOR DECADES, FOR ABOUT THREE DECADES. AND IF ANYONE HAD SUGGESTED SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO ME, IT ONLY WOULD HAVE MADE ME ANGRY. I'D HAVE TOLD THEM TO MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS. THAT'S RIGHT. YOU COULDN'T HAVE EVEN WATCHED YOUR OWN SHOW RIGHT NOW. COULD NOT HAVE. COULD NOT HAVE. AND THAT'S WHY I AM THE GOOD NEWS. IF I CAN CHANGE FROM WHO I WAS INTO WHO I AM, I KNOW THAT ANYONE CAN. ANYONE CAN. OKAY. WHEN WE COME BACK, GARY EXPLAINS HOW TO CHALLENGE YOUR ANGER SO IT DISAPPEARS. BACK IN A MOMENT. Oprah: ALLOW YOURSELF TO BECOME AWARE OF WHAT YOU FEEL. GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO CHOOSE THE MOST POSITIVE BEHAVIOR IN EACH MOMENT. AS YOU CHALLENGE AND RELEASE YOUR ANGER AND FEARS AND CHOOSE TO HEAL, YOU ALIGN YOUR PERSONALITY WITH YOUR SOUL. I WAS JUST SHARING THAT INTENTION IS WHAT TURNED ME AROUND. HOW CAN YOU USE INTENTION IN HELPING YOU TO IDENTIFY AND MAYBE DISPLACE YOUR ANGER? FIRST YOU HAVE TO BECOME AWARE OF WHAT YOUR INTENTION IS. WHAT IS YOUR INTENTION WHEN YOU BECOME ANGRY AT SOMEONE? AND BE CLEAR ABOUT IT. IS IT TO MAKE THE OTHER PERSON WRONG? IS IT TO MAKE YOURSELF RIGHT? IS IT TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL SAFE? IS IT TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL SUPERIOR? AND ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, IT WILL NOT BE TO COME CLOSER TO ANOTHER PERSON UNLESS YOU ARE AWARE OF THE ROOTS OF YOUR ANGER. FOR EXAMPLE, HERE'S A TOOL THAT YOU CAN USE, A PRACTICAL TOOL. IF YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS MORE BENEATH ANGER THAN WHAT APPEARS... WHICH YOU DO UNDERSTAND, RIGHT. IF YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, THEN TRY AN EXPERIMENT. PICK SOMEONE THAT YOU FEEL IS ATTEMPTING TO GROW IN HIS OR HER OWN WAY THAT YOU FEEL THIS EMOTION TOWARD, AND THEN EXPERIMENT WITH EXPRESSING YOUR ANGER OR WHAT YOU ARE FEELING IN A DIFFERENT WAY. INSTEAD OF VENTING YOUR ANGER AND MAKING THAT PERSON AN OBJECT OF YOUR ANGER, TRY EXPLAINING WHAT YOU ARE FEELING IN A WAY THAT DOES NOT JUDGE THE OTHER PERSON. IT'S ONE THING TO SAY, "I'M SO ANGRY AT YOU BECAUSE I'VE TOLD YOU SIX TIMES AND YOU DIDN'T," ET CETERA, ET CETERA. AND IT'S ANOTHER TO SAY, "I FEEL ANGRY AT YOU AND I FEEL HURT." EXPERIMENT WITH THAT. IT'S RISKY. LIFE IS RISKY. BUT THE RESULT OR THE CONSEQUENCE OF NOT RISKING TO BE IN YOUR EMOTIONAL INTEGRITY AND STRIVING FOR COMPASSION AT THE SAME TIME IS TO CONTINUE TO LIVE IN RESENTMENT OR JEALOUSY OR FEAR. I HEARD YOU SAY, "I'M ANGRY AND I'M HURT." SO BENEATH THE SURFACE OF ANGER IS USUALLY PAIN, ISN'T IT? IT'S ALWAYS -- THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING SO PAINFUL THAT YOU'D RATHER BE ANGRY THAN DEAL WITH THAT PAIN. THIS IS MARY. SHE SAYS IT WAS HER ANGER THAT STOPPED HER ABUSER WHEN SHE WAS A CHILD, AND NOW SHE'S STRUGGLING TO LET GO OF THE EMOTION THAT ONCE PROTECTED HER. TAKE A LOOK. Mary: I'M AN ANGRY WOMAN. I'VE STRUGGLED WITH MY ANGER MY WHOLE LIFE. AS A CHILD, I WAS ABUSED. WHEN I WAS ABOUT 10, I STARTED REALIZING THAT WHAT WAS HAPPENING WAS NOT APPROPRIATE, SO I BECAME AGGRESSIVE. I BECAME ANGRY. I USED MY ANGER AS A PHYSICAL FORCE AND A VERBAL FORCE TO STOP MY ABUSER, AND I GOT POSITIVE RESULTS, IT STOPPED. SO ANGER BECAME MY FRIEND. I'VE BEEN MARRIED ABOUT SIX YEARS. MY DAUGHTER'S GONNA BE FIVE SOON. I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND MY DAUGHTER. THEY'RE GOOD PEOPLE. MY ANGER HAS AFFECTED US NEGATIVELY, AND I NEED TO CHANGE THAT. I FEEL I TAKE OUT MOST OF MY ANGER ON MY HUSBAND. I YELL AT HIM. I SCREAM, I YELL, I NAMECALL, SOMETIMES THROW THINGS. I THINK MY ANGER SCARES MY DAUGHTER. SHE SEES ME YELLING AT MY HUSBAND, AND THAT'S NOT GOOD. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO IF YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOUR ANGER? I'M A GOOD PERSON, AND I DON'T WANT TO HARM SOMEONE. AND IF I CAN'T GET CONTROL OVER IT, I'M GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE BECAUSE I'M NOT GONNA LIVE IN A LIFE LIKE THIS. I'M NOT GONNA DO THIS TO MY DAUGHTER AND MY HUSBAND. WHEN I READ "SEAT OF THE SOUL", THINGS STARTED TO GRADUALLY CHANGE FOR ME. I REMEMBERED THAT THERE'S A SACREDNESS AMONG ALL PEOPLE, THAT THERE'S A SPIRITUAL CONNECTION BETWEEN US. I REALIZED THAT MY ANGER WAS WHAT WAS KEEPING ME FROM THAT CONNECTION. BECAUSE I USED ANGER AS A CHILD AND IT WAS A POSITIVE OUTCOME, I'VE USED ANGER THROUGHOUT MY LIFE THINKING THAT I WAS CREATING A POSITIVE OUTCOME, NOW REALIZING I'M NOT DOING IT AT ALL, AND THAT'S WHY I'VE BEEN SO UNHAPPY AND DISCONTENT. THAT WAS THE TOOL THAT I USED WHEN I WAS A CHILD THAT WAS POSITIVE, NOW IT'S NOT. SO YOU CAME TO THAT REALIZATION YOURSELF? YES. RIGHT. FROM READING THE BOOK AND ALSO SEEING THE SHOW ON FEAR. UH-HUH. YOU SAW THE SHOW ON FEAR AND THOUGHT WHAT? I THOUGHT I WAS AFRAID OF BEING HARMED. STILL? AND THAT I WAS USING MY ANGER -- WELL, WHAT HAPPENED WAS, I EXPERIENCED APPROXIMATELY FIVE YEARS OF NOT FEELING ANGRY, NOT FEELING THAT INSIDE OF MYSELF, AND THEN THE BIRTH OF MY DAUGHTER WAS TRAUMATIC AND IT THREATENED MY LIFE AND HER LIFE, AND I FOUND MYSELF IN A WHIRLWIND OF ANGER AGAIN ALL OVER AGAIN, AND I TOOK IT OUT ON MY HUSBAND. MM-HMM. AND ACTUALLY SINCE -- IN THE PAST, WHAT'S IT BEEN FIVE DAYS OR SO, I HAVEN'T BEEN EXPERIENCING THAT ANGER IN THE SAME WAY. IT'S REALLY DISSIPATED JUST FROM REALIZING THAT BEHIND THAT ANGER WAS -- I WAS TRYING TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM HARM, AND I'M NOT UNDER HARM RIGHT NOW. MM-HMM. THERE'S NO HARM HAPPENING. THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO EXAMINE INTENTION. YOU SAID ON THIS SHARING, "IF I CAN'T GET CONTROL OF MY ANGER, I MAY HAVE TO LEAVE MY HUSBAND AND MY DAUGHTER." SO THE QUESTION BECOMES, "WHAT IS YOUR REAL INTENTION NOW BY NOT TRULY COMING TO TERMS WITH THE ANGER?" IN OTHER WORDS, WHENEVER YOU SAY TO YOURSELF, "I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS. THIS IS TOO BIG." WHETHER IT'S ALCOHOL, SEXUAL ADDICTION, IN YOUR CASE THE ANGER, THAT VERY EXPRESSION IS AN INDICATION THAT YOU HAVE A PART OF YOU THAT DOES INTEND TO LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR DAUGHTER, AND THAT WILL USE YOUR ANGER AS A JUSTIFICATION FOR DOING THAT. IN OTHER WORDS, IT IS AN ATTEMPT -- IT IS AN UNCONSCIOUS ATTEMPT TO GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO BEHAVE UNCONSCIOUSLY. MM-HMM. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "BEHAVING UNCONSCIOUSLY"? IN THIS CASE SAYING, "I CAN'T CONTROL MY ANGER, I'VE GOT TO LEAVE." SO YOU CONTINUE TO BE ANGRY, YOU CONTINUE TO BE ANGRY, AND THEN YOU SEE THE PAIN THAT IT'S CAUSING AND YOU SAY, "I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. HE'S TOO KIND, MY DAUGHTER DOESN'T DESERVE THIS, I'VE GOT TO LEAVE." AND ALSO, HE MEANS BY "UNCONSCIOUSLY," NOT BEING AWARE OF YOUR FEELINGS. RIGHT. AS YOU KNOW, A GREAT DEAL OF THE POPULATION IS WALKING AROUND JUST SORT OF BLINDLY GOING THROUGH LIFE, NOT REALLY RECOGNIZE WHAT IT IS YOU'RE FEELING, AND YOU'RE THINKING THAT YOU'RE FEELING ANGRY, BUT IT REALLY IS AS A RESULT OF, YOU KNOW, THAT MOMENT YOU HAD AND FROM WATCHING THE LAST SHOW WITH GARY, YOU RECOGNIZE -- SO THAT'S AN EPIPHANAL MOMENT WHEN YOU REALIZE, "IT'S NOT THAT I'M SO ANGRY, IT'S THAT I'M REALLY AFRAID, AND I'M TRYING TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM SOMETHING THAT NO LONGER EXISTS." RIGHT. AND I THINK WITH MY HUSBAND WHAT IT'S BEEN IS A FEAR OF INTIMACY. MY HUSBAND'S VERY KIND AND GENTLE, AND I HAVE THAT FORCE BEHIND ME, AND SINCE I'VE BEEN HERE TODAY, IT'S LIKE I HAVE A FEAR OF INTIMACY WITH HIM -- THAT GENTLENESS AND THAT KINDNESS AND BEING SOFT AND HAVING THAT PEACE, AND SO THAT FEAR IS THERE. WHICH IS VERY COMMON AMONG WOMEN WHO WERE ABUSED AS CHILDREN. RIGHT. VERY COMMON. VERY COMMON. RIGHT. YES. BUT IT'S LIKE WHAT GARY SAYS, "NOW THAT HAPPENED, THAT HAPPENED THEN, WHAT DO YOU NOW CHOOSE TO DO?" AND AS YOU LOOK AT YOUR ANGER, MARY, AND YOU BEGIN TO EXPLORE IT, LIKE WE'RE EXPLORING NOW, THEN YOU CAN SEE AT LEAST ONE THING, A FEAR OF INTIMACY WITH THIS GENTLE PARTNER THAT YOU HAVE. AND BY EXPLORING THAT, YOU CAN BEGIN TO SEE THAT YOUR ANGER MIGHT HAVE -- YOU MIGHT -- A PART OF YOU MIGHT HAVE USED YOUR ANGER AS JUSTIFICATION FOR AVOIDING THAT INTIMACY. YES, THAT'S WHAT I CAN SEE. THIS IS SPIRITUAL GROWTH. THIS IS DOING THE WORK... MM-HMM. ...THAT YOU WERE BORN TO DO. IT'S -- IT'S NOT EASY. NO. IT IS HEALING. AND IT FREES YOU AND IT FREES OTHERS IN ENORMOUS WAYS. AND I SALUTE YOU FOR BEING ON TELEVISION AND EXPLORING IN THESE TENDER AND SENSITIVE WAYS BECAUSE THEY ARE THE WAYS THAT LIE BEFORE ALL OF US WHEN WE MAKE THE DECISION TO FOLLOW THEM. AND THE UNCONSCIOUS DECISION IN YOUR CASE WOULD HAVE BEEN TO REMAIN ANGRY, TO SAY, "I CAN'T GET CONTROL OF IT." WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. Oprah: THE PERSONALITY SEES ITS ANGER OR ITS FEAR NOT ONLY WITHIN ITSELF BUT EVERYWHERE OUTSIDE ITSELF, AS WELL. IF THE PERSONALITY CHOOSES CONSCIOUSLY TO HEAL ITS ANGER OR ITS FEAR, EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE, EVERY ENCOUNTER BECOMES IRRITATING OR FEARFUL AS THE UNIVERSE COMPASSIONATELY RESPONDS TO ITS DESIRE TO BECOME WHOLE. WELL, THAT CONCEPT CAN BE A DIFFICULT ONE TO UNDERSTAND, BUT THINK ABOUT IT. IF YOU'VE MADE A RESOLUTION TO BECOME, FOR EXAMPLE, MORE PATIENT OR TO EXERCISE MORE, DON'T YOU FIND THAT YOUR PATIENCE OR WILLPOWER IS TESTED MORE THAN EVER? WELL, GARY SAYS WHEN YOU'RE TEMPTED TO GIVE IN, IT'S NOT JUST A COINCIDENCE. -YES. WHEN YOU CHOOSE TO HEAL A PART OF YOURSELF SUCH AS YOUR ANGER OR YOUR NEED TO PLEASE PEOPLE OR YOUR JEALOUSY THAT YOU INVOKE THE HEALING OF THE UNIVERSE AND THE COMPASSIONATE UNIVERSE RESPONDS. IF YOU CHOOSE TO CHALLENGE YOUR ANGER, AS YOU CHALLENGE IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN, YOU WILL GAIN POWER OVER YOUR ANGER, AND IT WILL LOSE ITS POWER OVER YOU. AND SINCE YOU NEED TO CHALLENGE YOUR ANGER, ONCE YOU CHOOSE TO HEAL IT AGAIN AND AGAIN, THE UNIVERSE PROVIDES YOU MORE AND MORE OPPORTUNITIES TO CHALLENGE IT. Oprah: TO CHALLENGE IT, YEAH. SO THE MOMENT YOU LEAVE HERE, AND YOU SAY, "I'M GONNA GO HOME AND I'M NOT GONNA BE SO ANGRY, OR I'M NOT GONNA BE SUCH A PEOPLE PLEASER," YOU WILL BE CONFRONTED BY MORE PEOPLE THAN EVER BEFORE THAT GIVE YOU AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE THAT TRUE OR NOT. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? SO THE FACT THAT YOU SAY, "ALL RIGHT, I'VE DECIDED I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT ANYMORE. I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT ANYMORE. I'M GONNA BE MORE INTIMATE," OR WHATEVER IT IS, WHAT GARY IS SAYING IS THAT'S GONNA COME IN YOUR FACE AND COME IN YOUR FACE, AND IF YOU'RE NOT CONSCIOUS, IF YOU ARE LIVING UNCONSCIOUSLY, YOU WILL THINK, "WELL, SEE, I SAID I WASN'T GONNA DO IT AND HERE IT IS." OR SEE YOURSELF AS A FAILURE INSTEAD OF SEEING THIS IS REALLY THE UNIVERSE BEING COMPASSIONATE AND KIND AND OFFERING ME THIS OPPORTUNITY TO ONCE AGAIN CHALLENGE IT AND CHALLENGE IT AND CHALLENGE IT. AND THEN YOU WON'T FEEL SO CHALLENGED ANYMORE WHEN YOU CAN BEGIN TO STAND UP TO IT, CORRECT? CORRECT. WHAT OPRAH IS SHARING IS A PERSPECTIVE THAT IS IMPERSONAL. THAT IS WHEN YOU CAN SEE THAT CHALLENGE YOUR ANGER OR YOU CHALLENGE ANYTHING, ANY PART OF YOURSELF THAT'S OUT OF CONTROL, AND THAT PART COMES UP IN YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS MORE AND MORE AND MORE FREQUENTLY, AND YOU'RE SEEING IT FROM THE IMPERSONAL PERSPECTIVE, THEN THAT IS WHEN A PART OF YOU WILL BECOME HAPPY... -YEAH. -...AND EXCITED. NOW THERE'S ANOTHER PART OF YOU THAT WILL NOT BECOME HAPPY AND EXCITED BECAUSE THERE IS MORE AND MORE ANGER OR FEAR OR JEALOUSY IN YOUR LIFE. BUT WE ARE LEARNING HOW TO SEE OUR OWN LIVES AND THOSE OF OTHERS FROM THE IMPERSONAL. THIS IS WHERE GENUINE COMPASSION CAN COME IN BECAUSE YOU REALIZE THAT EVERYONE IS STRUGGLING AND THEIR STRUGGLE IS AS DIFFICULT AS YOURS. AND AS YOU CHALLENGE YOUR ANGER, THE UNIVERSE RESPONDS BY GIVING YOU MORE OPPORTUNITIES TO CHALLENGE IT. IF YOU THINK THIS IS JUST A THEORY, TRY IT, BUT IN ORDER TO MAKE IT WORK, THE CHALLENGE HAS TO BE SINCERE. YOU CAN'T PLAY WITH IT BECAUSE THE ONLY PERSON THAT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE IS YOU, AND THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN DO IT IS WITH THE FORCE OF YOUR OWN WILL. I'M NOT SURE PEOPLE UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEAN. MAYBE YOU ALL DO, BUT I'M NOT QUITE FOLLOWING YOU ON, WHEN YOU SAY, "CHALLENGE IT." SO, OKAY, SO YOU GO HOME AND THE NEXT TIME YOUR FRIEND SAYS SOMETHING TO YOU, AND YOU FIND YOURSELF ANGRY, HOW -- WHAT DO YOU -- HOW DO YOU CHALLENGE IT? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? THERE'S LOTS OF WAYS TO CHALLENGE IT. ONE IS YOU MAY FEEL LIKE SPEAKING IN ANGER, BUT YOU DECIDE TO YOURSELF, "I'M NOT GOING TO SPEAK IN ANGER." WHY? BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A CHOICE? BECAUSE YOU HAVE A CHOICE. THAT'S A -- OPRAH, YOU'RE BRINGING UP BIG POINTS, BIG POINTS. I READ THE BOOK ABOUT 90 TIMES, GO AHEAD. YOU HAVE A CHOICE. THIS IS KEY TO REMEMBER. WHEN YOU FEEL AN ANGRY IMPULSE, REMEMBER IN THAT MOMENT THAT YOU HAVE A CHOICE. THAT'S THE FIRST STEP. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AS FAR DOWN THE LINE IN THE PROCESS AS MARY AND REALIZE THAT YOU ARE STRONGER THAN -- WHO YOU WANT TO BECOME IS STRONGER THAN YOUR ANGER, STRONGER THAN YOUR JEALOUSY, STRONGER THAN YOUR ADDICTION. BUT THE FIRST STEP IN THAT IS TO REMIND YOURSELF -- SET THE INTENTION TO REMIND YOURSELF NOW IF THIS APPEALS TO YOU, WHEN YOU BECOME ANGRY NEXT TIME, TO SAY TO YOURSELF, "I HAVE A CHOICE. I DO NOT HAVE TO RESPOND TO MY ANGER THE WAY THAT I ALWAYS HAVE. I CAN SIMPLY BE ANGRY AND FEEL IT AND NOT VOICE MY ANGER." THAT IS A CHALLENGE TO YOUR ANGER. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO SAY, JOE? Joe: FROM THE SPOUSE'S PERSPECTIVE, IF I SEE THIS ANGER STARTING TO HAPPEN, IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN HELP THIS PROCESS ALONG? HELP HER IDENTIFY AND HELP HER MAKE HER CHOICES. YES, BUT IT'S NOT IN THE SENSE OF BEING A TEACHER OR KNOWING MORE THAN YOUR SPOUSE. YOU CAN HELP HER BY BECOMING AUTHENTICALLY EMPOWERED YOURSELF. YOU CAN HELP HER THE MOST BY LOOKING AT YOURSELF AND YOUR OWN REACTIONS. THERE MAY BE A PART OF YOU THAT HAS ALWAYS SAID, "WELL, I UNDERSTAND WHERE HER ANGER'S COMING FROM, AND I UNDERSTAND HOW SHE'S SO STRESSED. AND AFTER ALL, SHE'S EARNING IN THE MONEY, AND I'M ONLY DOING THIS." AND SO YOU ACCOMMODATE AND YOU ACCOMMODATE THE ANGER, AND THAT HELPS HER ANGER TO COME FORTH. AND THE MORE YOU ACCOMMODATE, THE MORE DISDAINFUL AND ANGRY SHE BECOMES AT YOU, AND THE MORE YOU TRY TO ACCOMMODATE, AND THAT'S THE PATTERN. AND INSTEAD OF POINTING OUT TO HER WHAT SHE'S DOING, AS YOU GROW IN YOUR OWN HEALTH AND USE AND YOU REALIZE THAT YOUR NEED TO ACCOMMODATE IS NOT SOMETHING THAT YOU AND YOURSELF WANT TO DO ANYMORE AND YOU BEGIN TO CHALLENGE THAT. AND AS YOU GROW HEALTHY, YOU DO NOT ENCOURAGE THE ANGER THAT YOUR PARTNER HAS. THAT'S HOW YOU CAN HELP YOUR PARTNER. NO MATTER WHAT IT IS OR WHO YOUR PARTNER, WHETHER IT'S SOMEONE YOU'RE LIVING WITH OR SOMEONE YOU'RE WORKING WITH OR SOMEONE YOU'RE IN SCHOOL WITH OR SOMEONE YOU'RE RIDING THE BUS WITH EVERY MORNING, BECOME HEALTHY YOURSELF. FIND YOUR OWN INNER POWER, AND IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN FIND BY LOOKING ON THE GROUND, YOU HAVE TO LOCATE THE PARTS OF YOURSELF THAT ARE ACTING UNCONSCIOUSLY. BUT HE ALREADY TOLD US IN THE BEGINNING OF THIS SHOW THAT HE WENT TOO FAR. HE WAS TRYING TO BE MR. ACCOMMODATING. AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED, RIGHT, WHEN YOU WENT TOO FAR? -EXACTLY. -YEAH, YOU SEE YOURSELF IN THAT. NOW MEET VICKY. SHE SAYS ANGER WAS LIKE WEARING A COSTUME FOR HER. IT WAS A DISGUISE FOR OTHER FEELINGS. TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT SHE WROTE US. Vicky: "DEAR OPRAH, FOR MOST OF MY LIFE, I WAS REALLY ANGRY, BUT AT THE TIME, I DIDN'T REALIZE IT. THE SLIGHTEST THINGS USED TO SET ME OFF. I WOULD WAKE UP ANGRY EVERY DAY AND GO TO BED ANGRY EVERY NIGHT. MY ANGER WAS OUT OF CONTROL. AS A RESULT, I ATTRACTED BITTER, MEAN PEOPLE INTO MY LIFE. I CAUSED PEOPLE AROUND ME TO WALK ON EGGSHELLS. I'VE CUT FRIENDS TO RIBBONS WITH MY SHARP TONGUE, MADE STORE CLERKS CRY, AND I'VE EVEN STRUCK MY NEIGHBOR OVER A SILLY DISAGREEMENT. AFTER YEARS OF BEING ANGRY, I KNEW I HAD TO MAKE A CHANGE. I REALIZED THAT UNDERNEATH MY ANGER WAS A DEEP INSECURITY ABOUT NOT FEELING LOVED. WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, I NEVER FELT I WAS GOOD ENOUGH TO EARN MY MOTHER'S LOVE. I CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST, BUT I HAVE LEARNED TO MAKE BETTER CHOICES. I HAVE A BETTER ATTITUDE, AND AS A RESULT, HAPPIER PEOPLE ARE NOW DRAWN TO ME. NOW I DON'T TRY TO BE ACCEPTED OR LOVED. I REALIZE I AM A WORTHY PERSON JUST BECAUSE I AM." THE "I AM" IS THE MOST POWERFUL THING, ISN'T IT? IT IS. THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, VICKY. THANK YOU. THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, AND I DON'T SAY THAT TO FLATTER YOU, I SAY THAT TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOU BECAUSE THAT TAKES WORK. THAT TAKES WORK TO LOOK AT WHAT YOU REALLY FEEL WHEN YOU SAY THE WORDS, "I AM." AND WHAT FOLLOWS AFTER THAT BECAUSE THOSE ARE CREATING. THOSE ARE CREATIVE WORDS. "I INTEND" ARE CREATIVE WORDS. AND I HONOR YOU FOR SHARING WHAT YOU HAVE BECAUSE YOU ARE A PERSON WHO EXPERIENCED ANGER OUT OF CONTROL, AND IT WOULD STILL BE OUT OF CONTROL IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE COURAGE TO LOOK AT IT. AND IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE COURAGE TO DO THE DIFFICULT INNER WORK OF CHANGING THAT PART OF YOU THAT WAS SO FRIGHTENED OR SO ASHAMED OR SO TERRIFIED OR SO UNWORTHY, THAT IT KEPT EXPRESSING ITSELF IN TERMS OF ANGER. NOW THIS IS AN OVERSIMPLIFICATION, BY THE WAY. IT'S NEVER JUST ONE PART. WE ARE VERY COMPLEX PERSONALITIES. AND WE ARE HERE FOR A REASON AND THAT IS YOUR OWN SPIRITUAL GROWTH. NOT TO PROSTHELYTIZE ANYONE ELSE, BUT TO GROW HEALTHY AND INWARDLY SECURE YOURSELF. AND YOU HAVE SHOWN ONE STEP OF THAT PROCESS IN YOUR LIFE. YOU HAVE A CHOICE. BENEATH ANGER OR OTHER EMOTIONS, ANGER AND OTHER DIFFICULT EMOTIONS ARE THEMSELVES MANIPULATIONS. THEY CARRY WITH THEM INTENTIONS, AND IF YOU'RE NOT CONSCIOUS OF THOSE INTENTIONS, YOU CAN -- YOU WILL CREATE PAINFUL AND UNEXPECTED CIRCUMSTANCES IN YOUR LIFE. THESE ARE SOME OF THE THINGS THAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT, AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT AGAIN. IT IS A MATTER OF BECOMING AWARE AND RESPONSIBLE IN YOUR OWN LIFE SO THAT YOU CAN BEGIN TO SEE YOURSELF COMPASSIONATELY AND OTHERS COMPASSIONATELY, AND TO GIVE THE GIFTS THAT YOU WERE BORN TO GIVE WITH THE JOY THAT COMES WITH GIVING THOSE GIFTS. REMEMBERING YOUR SPIRIT, NEXT. CHRIS ECHOLS SAID HER LIFE WAS MISERABLE WHEN ANGER WAS CONTROLLING EVERYTHING SHE DID. AFTER GETTING A BAD REVIEW AT WORK AND FEELING DISCONNECTED FROM HER CHILDREN, SHE KNEW SHE HAD TO GO DEEP INSIDE TO FIND OUT WHAT WAS BLOCKING HER FROM BEING HAPPY. LOOK AT HER STORY. Chris: AS A CHILD, I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH OF A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY FATHER. I CAN REMEMBER FEELING VERY HURT, VERY ISOLATED AND LONELY. I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT UNDERNEATH ALL OF THESE OTHER EMOTIONS WAS A GREAT AMOUNT OF ANGER. WHEN MY FATHER WAS DYING OF CANCER, I WANTED TO MEND OUR RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HE DIED. I THOUGHT THAT I HAD FORGIVEN HIM, HOWEVER, AS TIME WENT ON, THE ANGER CAME BUBBLING BACK. I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND, "IF I'VE FORGIVEN THIS MAN, WHY ARE THESE FEELINGS STILL HERE?" UNTIL I REALIZED, I HADN'T TRULY FORGIVEN HIM. MY BEHAVIOR AND MY ANGER WAS SO BAD THAT IT RUINED A COUPLE OF MARRIAGES FOR ME. IF THINGS DIDN'T GO MY WAY, I WOULD YELL AND SCREAM UNTIL THEY DID. THERE WERE A COUPLE OF CONFRONTATIONS WITH CO-WORKERS, AND I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHY THEY WERE SO TOUCHY. I WOULD NEVER BLAME IT ON MYSELF OR THE ANGER, IT WAS ALWAYS SOMETHING THEY DID TO ME. AND IT WASN'T UNTIL I ACTUALLY READ GARY'S BOOK THAT THINGS CRYSTALLIZED IN MY MIND. AND GARY SAID VERY CLEARLY, "THE ANGER IS ONLY COVERING UP OTHER FEELINGS DEEPER WITHIN YOU." ONE OF THE WAYS THAT I WAS ABLE TO DIG INTO THOSE FEELINGS WAS TO SIT DOWN AND WRITE. I BEGAN FEELING THE FEELINGS, AND I LET THE WORDS JUST COME OUT, AND WORDS WERE JUST POURING OUT OF ME. FOR THE FIRST TIME, I WAS ABLE TO TRULY FORGIVE AND MEAN IT. I COULD FEEL A WEIGHT LIFTED OFF OF ME. I STOPPED BLAMING THE WORLD. I STOPPED BEING THE WORLD'S LITTLE VICTIM. PAIN SOON TURNED TO A JOYFULNESS, AND I WAS FREE. TODAY I CHOOSE TO MAKE NEW CHOICES, AND AS A RESULT, I HAVE HAD MUCH BETTER REVIEWS AT WORK, CO-WORKERS WHO ARE HAPPY TO BE AROUND ME NOW. THERE'S NO MORE WALKING ON EGGSHELLS AROUND ME AT ALL. THE RELATIONSHIPS WITH MY KIDS HAS BEEN INCREDIBLE. WE DON'T HIDE FROM OUR FEELINGS IN OUR HOUSE, AND IT'S MADE A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE. NOW I HAVE A VERY STRONG SENSE OF WHO I AM. I BELIEVE TODAY THAT THE LITTLE GIRL WHO SHUT HER HEART OFF SO IT WOULDN'T GET HURT HAS BEEN REPLACED BY A WOMAN WHO IS NOT AFRAID TO OPEN HER HEART NOW. MY WHOLE LIFE CHANGED. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. [ APPLAUSE ] OKAY, Y'ALL GET TO GO HOME NOW, CLASS. THANK YOU TO GARY ZUKAV, TO JOANIE AND JOE, VICKY AND MARY, AND ANOTHER VICKY. TWO VICKYs IN ONE SHOW. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR SHARING YOUR STORIES. GARY'S BOOK "SOUL STORIES," WHICH IS HIS LATEST BOOK AND "SEAT OF THE SOUL," MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE. THANK YOU AGAIN, MR. ZUKAV. I'LL SEE YOU -- YOU KNOW WHAT... IT'S A PLEASURE, MS. WINFREY. THANK YOU, MR. ZUKAV. [ APPLAUSE ]
