Life Is Confusing For A Kid 😕😕 (Reddit Stories r/AskReddit)

what did you totally misunderstand as a kid sex I thought you got girls pregnant by kissing them in third grade crystal used to chase me around the recess yard trying to kiss me and I was absolutely horrified that I would be a third grade with a baby if she got me it got so serious that we ended up in the principal's office when I pushed her down while trying to kiss me I explained to him exactly why I was so scared and I still remember the laughter from the adults in the room this is amazing I would totally laugh when I was six I found out how babies were made and turned to my best guy friend who I was obstinate so I suggested when the time came we just rubbed bellies and hoped for the best my dad was such a terrible highway driver that when we went on our annual vacation he inevitably got into a car accident usually a minor fender bender I thought that every trip needed to include an accident and would pester him while on the road when's the accident going to happen when's it gonna happen I heard a radio news story about a guy who said that coke has dissolved away the inside of his nose I thought that he meant coca-cola I got scared every time I burped coke and it made my no sting I thought the seven and 7up was a tea so referred to it as a can off top until I was 13 you're the most 1337 person ever I thought drinking and driving referred to any type of beverage so when my uncle took a coke for the road I was shocked I think everyone misunderstands this at first I mean drinking and driving isn't exactly transparent especially for a young one who probably knows very little about alcohol if anything I'd always heard that you could only survive a couple days without drinking water while I stayed with my southern grandparents for likely two weeks during that time I drank nothing but iced tea I was really worried that I was going to die soon if they heard you refer to it as iced tea then you probably would have died I thought Albert Einstein created and gave life to a monster called Frankenstein and that's why he was considered a genius 10 stroke 10 would watch this cartoon somehow I understood that mannequins and department stores were made from real people my mom couldn't understand why I stayed so close when we went shopping I thought when you moved somewhere you had to find a person in that town who needed to move to your town and then swap homes with em I used to think this too when it was explained to me that no that wasn't the case I thought it had to be a bigger chain that was organized as one transaction that is how they sold to person be house be sold to person see house II sold to person D house n sold to person a when people said I'm serving so my kids don't have to I assumed that meant your kids were forced in the military if you didn't do it kids are literal I didn't realize John Lennon was a different person than let him the Soviet premier as the names are pronounced almost the same and both had a huge impact in the 20th century the world made a lot more sense once that one got cleared up I had similar confusion about the Marx Brothers I thought coal was just the Communists of the bunch before I ever had the talk I Unferth that babies were made when two people kiss and their germs mix I wasn't that far off my dad always told me not to hold hands because I'd get pregnant I took that crap seriously so when I finally found out about how baby-making actually works I yelled at my dad for making me believe that tale for so long his response was but it does get you pregnant holding hands leads to kissing which leads to taking clothes off which leads to making babies I'll never win with that man the D and Disney looked like a G and I never wrapped my head around it till I was at least 15 sad because I knew the word but the letter threw me off like nobody's business just NAB I thought that if John Kerry was elected president he changed the lineup of shows on Nickelodeon and that's why eight-year old me was a Republican I had heard that Bush would reinstitute slavery if he won in 2000 which is why I was a Republican I thought he was a Democrat I didn't understand that TV shows were recorded so when I saw the actors jumping an age from young to old and vice versa in the span of a week I thought it was some type of wizardry in the same vein I though death scenes were filmed with death-row inmates acting as stunt doubles I was raised very Catholic for some reason I thought a person's torso was called their body so when I learned that when people die their body stayed on earth while the rest of them went to heaven I thought upon death a person's head arms and legs flew off and went into the sky I also thought people had funerals for torsos it was pretty metal I thought for a very almost too long time that an only child was pronounced lonely child because they had no siblings you're not entirely wrong though getting fired meant that you were set on fire the hospitality industry would literally be heck instead of just figuratively being heck when I was in pre-k I was walking down the hall to recess just chilling out with one of my friends when I saw one of those handprints made out of paper with a student's name on it you know the ones you have all your kids make and then you put them on your door anyways the name of this one was Jesus me look Jose there's a kid named Jesus Jose it's hey-zeus me I've read my children's Bible five times I think I know how to say Jesus Jose no it's a Mexican name you say the geez like catches like with my name me Jose does not have a J Jose I know how to spell my name me I know how to spell Jesus we thought about it for at least five minutes I was not a fun kid you were born ready for it it I thought everyone lived to the exact same age like my brother taunted me for being three years younger than him but in my mind it was no sweat because I was gonna be alive for three years after he died driving past a cul-de-sac and it's a no outlet how did they get their electricity I overheard reporters talking about the Gulf War which I assumed was the Gulf War I imagined guys lined up drilling golf balls at each other I thought everybody had a mommy or daddy in jail or prison there were always other kids there my cousins and friends did also thought it was a game when the cops came one family member would sneak out the back of the trailer and hide in the trailer across the street but totally thought cops were in on this row now playing at a theater near you I thought the theater near you that was a specific theater in the city an hour away from home because living in a small town if you wanted to see a movie as soon as it came out we had to go to the city same I definitely thought they were talking directly to me when I was going into middle school we had a choice of learning either French or Spanish I remembered what my family said about Spanish speakers taking over America so naturally I chose Spanish so I could interact with our eventual overlords turns out my family is just hardcore conservative and taking over meant something different than what I originally thought they meant to be fair though Spanish is a very useful language to be familiar with especially in America where it's the second most spoken language no one is taking over off course but you can't convince hardliners of anything source I also come from a family of hardcore conservatives who probably think that spanish-speaking people could take over I misunderstood cardinal directions I thought North was always in front of me I misunderstood my family taking me to see the circus I thought all the animals and people were there to see me I misunderstood caches I thought they had all that money and items I misunderstood sex despite learning about from a book that was supposed to scientifically show it in the way kids understand I thought two giant sperm climbs up the woman's leg as the couple holds hands the more I think about the last one the more frightening and horrifying it seems backed when I was in kindergarten we were learning about MLK in the civil rights movement specifically I remember my teacher reading to us from a children's book for some reason however my understanding of the situation was not that it had anything to do with race I didn't understand the concept back then but rather that the blacks were a bunch of dudes who wore black suits and the whites were a bunch of dudes who wore white suits and that until recently those who wore black suits were treated horribly and it took a lot of social upheaval and change for people to be able to wear black suits without judgment that girls didn't pee out of their whiners so they must have peed up their butt I thought the exact same whenever I had diarrhea I thought to myself so this is what it's like to pee like a girl 60% of what I misunderstood can be blamed on my dad for being a troll trolls are mythical creatures so looks like you can add the misunderstanding of your dad species to the list I thought blisters were a punishment for wearing your shoes on the wrong feet and that if you did the blister truck would catch you and hit your feet with a blister stick wear your shoes on the right feet or they'll give you blisters mom meant the shoes my paranoid overactive five-year-old brain pictured some sort of terrible ice cream truck that doles out punishment when I heard phrases like smoking kills as a kid I genuinely thought you would just drop dead randomly so when my dad would be smoking his cigarette I would start crying because I thought there was a chance he would just up and disappear also I thought clouds came from smokestacks I was sent to a Christian elementary school and for quite a while I thought Jesus was in heck the way it had been explained to me the reason people went to heaven was because Jesus suffered for our sins and we shouldn't sin because it hurts Jesus I took this to mean that he literally went to Huck and suffers for us keeping more or less an open tab for all humanity thus when we sinned he had to suffer that much more to ensure our passage into heaven I don't recall ever being specifically corrected I just noticed over the course of time that this view didn't really sink with some things that other said when I got the traditional story it's made even less sense to me I didn't last long as a Christian I thought the tale of Jesus ended with him in heck it actually didn't I misunderstood checks I thought you could pay with Inlet cash I hid one of my birthday checks when I was 10 and tried to buy something with it the cashier was amused when the whether guile DV we mentioned the windchill factor I thought he was saying windshield factory my reasoning was that they would go to the auto plants and check to see if the windshields were cracking because of the cold based on how cracked the glass was they could tell you how cold it was outside made perfect sense to me when I was 11 years old a girl in my class was called runt I'm Icelandic the thing is that the Icelandic word for CN is brand you can see where this is going so all the boys started calling her that but I had no clue why I just thought it was a fun nickname like Trump or krandalls lund or something I had no idea I was bullying a girl by calling her cm for months when I was a kid I thought that at the end of the day people who worked at pet stores took the pets home with them this is such a cute idea I like the image of an old lady being like come on everyone and all the little animals follow in her home in an attempt to teach me about safe sex my dad told me if you had sex the wrong way you could get sick I thought the physical act the thrusting and such had to be performed an exact way or else you would catch a cold or something I thought when my mother was making grilled cheese sandwiches that she was making girl cheese I had no idea what girl cheese is but I damn sure knew I loved it I though the phrase god forbid was god forbid going once going twice sold the concept of gestation I thought children gestated for three years because my parents got married three years before having me but boy did I looks you peed in front of my third-grade class I was very sure you could milk old animals like a cow I have vague memories of trying to milk a dog I used to think I could breathe through my nose only because one time a dentist poked the roof of my mouth I thought I was special and other people could only smell with their noses mine no mine could freakin breathe not sure how long I thought that but it was probably somewhere up until I was seven eight I thought closing my mouth was the same as holding my breath so I could do it way longer than my friends those dummies didn't know I was breathing out of my nose either I thought Silicon Valley was about fake boobies I thought the Gulf War was at the Gulf of Mexico I thought that all caps were girls and all dogs were boys I know it's wrong but I still have that mindset even after owners tell me their pets names and sexes my mind will quickly revert back to calling catchy and dogs hey you have spotted this beautiful tasty sea of bacon you can have as much as you want as long as you subscribe in the next 22 seconds if you are new to the channel you can subscribe I publish new videos every day until then check out another video or don't either way have a great day you magnificent people [Music]

Channel: Updoot Studios

Views: 99,627

Rating: 4.9135861 out of 5

Keywords: #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, reddit stories 2019, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, dankify, story, stories, tz reddit, toadfilms, best of, confusing, confusing stories, kid stories, kids, child, children, misunderstand

Id: NuD5A1a5HnQ

Length: 14min 4sec (844 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 08 2019